Day Five: When One Door Closes

His head was aching and his arm was numb. As his mind began to clear he remembered something falling on him on the bridge. As he tried to adjust his eyes to the light, he vaguely wondered if the Doctor had immobilized his arm. It felt like lead. In fact, his body ached all over. With his left hand he wiped his eyes in an attempt to clear his vision. Without thinking he tried to raise his right arm. When he did, he heard a moan. He looked down to find his captain sound asleep on his arm. He gently slid his arm out, leaving her head resting halfway between his chest and his stomach. He stretched his fingers in and out until the tingling stopped. She felt so warm against his bare skin. The urge to touch her was overwhelming. Tentatively he softly stroked her hair. After a few moments she began to stir. Slowly she raised her head and took in her surroundings. Once she realized where she was her eyes darted to his face. He was smiling.

"Hi."

His hand was now on her back. He repeated the rhythmic motions that he had used on her hair a few moments earlier. "Hi, yourself."

Kathryn made no attempt to move. "How are you feeling?" She twisted her neck and shoulders as she spoke to him.

"Probably better than you. Did you sleep like that all night?" Seeing her discomfort he used his one hand to massage the muscles in her neck.

"I guess I did. I didn't intend to. I came to check on you and I must have fallen asleep." A soft sigh escaped her lips. "Oh, that feels good."

He graced her with his dimples. But his smile turned to a tempting grin as he asked, "Do you remember the last time you told me that?"

The memories of New Earth returned instantly. She saw him in his white shirt that was unbutton just enough to distract her. She could feel him reverently moving her hair just before he rubbed her shoulders. She could even hear his words as he told her an ancient legend. A smile of sadness and regret formed on her face. "I do, Chakotay. I do." Enjoying the privacy of sickbay she returned her head to his chest.

The hand that had been gently kneading her muscles was now making slow circles across her back. They were on dangerous ground and he knew it. If he weren't lying prone on a biobed, he might have tried to press his luck but as circumstances dictated otherwise, he quietly enjoyed the few moments of closeness that she was giving him. He inhaled her smell and closed his eyes in an attempt to freeze the moment. The next thing he remembered was the Doctor standing over him and checking his vital signs. He turned his head from side to side as he eyes surveyed the room. She was gone.

The Doctor appeared at his side. "You seem to be recovery nicely."

"Can I go back to my quarters?"

"In a few minutes. Right now you have a visitor." The Doctor stepped aside and Chakotay could see Mark standing by the door. "He has been here four times since they brought you here last night. Would you like to speak to him?" With a shake of the head Chakotay agreed.

Mark approached the bed slowly. He stopped a short distance from the bed itself. Close enough to talk but not too close. Mark looked at Chakotay thoughtfully. He was gauging his words. It was difficult to thank a man for saving your life when the day before you wished him dead. "The Doctor tells me that you are doing better."

Chakotay remained mute. He had no intention of helping this man along.

"I just wanted to thank you. You saved my life up there and I wanted to let you know I appreciate it."

Chakotay tilted his head slightly in acknowledgement of Mark's comments.

"I also wanted to apologize for the way I treated you since I came aboard." Mark kept his eyes focused on the floor. This was much more difficult than he thought. "If you want the truth, I was jealous."

Chakotay cocked an eyebrow in surprise.

"Don't look so surprised Commander. She is here with you, while I am on earth, alone. Also, it is obvious that there is something going on between you two."

Chakotay tried to stand up as his anger flared once again. As he did his head exploded in pain and he began to sway. Mark grabbed him and settled him back down on the biobed.

"Don't get upset, Commander. I did not mean to imply anything improper by that statement. It's just that you have something special between you. You yourself told me that you know her better than I do. Well now I have to agree. You have a connection that she and I don't share." Mark paused as a wave of regret swept over him. It was time to let go. "Anyway, as I said, I just wanted to thank you." Mark extended his hand and Chakotay clasped it. The two men shook hands and Mark turned to leave. Before he reached the door he turned to face Chakotay one last time. "A bit of advice Commander. Don't let her spend seventy years alone because of some misguided loyalty to me. In case you haven't noticed she can be pretty stubborn."

The man who just yesterday was Chakotay's greatest enemy departed sickbay with a swish of the door. The Doctor returned to check his head one last time before releasing him. "Interesting fellow. He is not exactly the type I would picture for the Captain but he is interesting none the less."

Chakotay thought for a moment about the things Mark had just said. "Yes, that he is. May I go now?"

"Yes, you may returned to your quarters but you are off duty for 48 hours. Is that clear."

"Yes Doctor, I understand." Chakotay got up slowly and left. He walked cautiously down the corridor until he got to the turbolift. When he entered he called for the bridge.

Not trusting him for one moment, the Doctor called the Captain. "I have just released Commander Chakotay. He is to return to his quarters and rest. He is ordered off duty for 48 hours. I am counting on you to make sure that he follows my orders."

She too knew the Commander. "I understand, Doctor." As she finished the sentence she heard the turbolift approaching. She walked and stood in front on the door. When it opened she glared at the passenger inside. The last thing Tom saw was a look of fear on Chakotay's face as the Captain entered and the doors closed.

They walked arm and arm to his quarters. Kathryn held on as she felt his body sway. They reached his door and went inside. She had not said a single word since she saw him in the turbo lift.

"Go to the bedroom and change," he began to protest before she added, "and that's an order." A few minutes passed and there were no sounds coming from the other room. She tentatively walked toward his bedroom. "Chakotay?"

"I'm here." His voice came out as barely above a whisper.

She paused at the door and looked in to find him sitting on the bed holding his head. Kathryn came in and sat next to him. She put her hand on his back. Tenderly she moved it up and down. If she had taken time to think about the situation she probably would have run. She and Chakotay were sitting on his bed, alone, in his quarters. He was wearing pajama pants and her hand was caressing his naked back. But she did not even notice. Her only thoughts were of concern for her friend.

"I just got a little dizzy. I'm okay now."

Kathryn got up and motioned for him to do the same. She turned down the blankets and he got into bed. She pulled the covers up over him. Her hand lingered on the edge of the blanket lightly touching his skin.

"You know, I could get used to this, waking up to find you sleeping next to me. You tucking me in."

She stood up straight and began to leave. "Don't push your luck, Commander!"

"Kathryn?" When she turned he noticed the twinkle in her eye. His face softened. "Thank you."

She came back to the bed and laid her hand against his cheek. His eyes closed instinctively as the warmth of her touch spread through him. "Rest Chakotay. I'll come back and see you later." She hesitated before she spoke again. She took a few steps away from the bed. "I need to talk to Mark."

"I know." Chakotay desperately wished that he could make this easier for her but he couldn't. "He is a good man, Kathryn."

"I know. That's why this is so hard."

~

She rang the chime and Mark let her in. He was standing at the viewport looking out at the stars. "It is strange to look at stars that you don't recognize. It makes me feel out of place."

"Mark, we need to talk."

"Yes Kath, we do." They both sat down on the couch. Neither one was sure how to begin. Mark spoke up. "Let me start." He reached over and took her hand in his and smiled broadly. "You are amazing, Kath!"

Of all the things she had expected him to say this was not one of them.

"This is going to sound silly. I mean, I always knew you were a Starship Captain but until yesterday I never realized what that meant. In fact in that single moment it dawned on me that there was a part of you that I would never know." He sighed and took a breath. He was repeatedly turning her hand over in his, afraid to hold on yet afraid to let go. "After I was escorted from the bridge…"

She cringed. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to be so rude."

"I was teasing, Kath! Anyway, when I returned to my room I had a lot of time to think. I remembered all those times you came home from a mission and explained what happened. Early on in the relationship you were very animated, explaining everything in great detail. I knew you wanted me to share in the excitement and drama. I also know that I disappointed you when I didn't. I guess that's why you stopped telling me things." He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "When I saw you yesterday like that, in total command of everything, it all became crystal clear. You were like a different person. It was like all of sudden you were ten feet tall. It's difficult for me to explain, but for me, it was as if I was seeing someone that I never met before."

"Mark, that's who I am."

"I really never understood that before," Mark quietly added, "but he does. Doesn't he?"

"Yes, he does."

A heavy silence hung in the air. She was valiantly trying not to cry.

Mark moved a little closer and lifted her tear stained face up. "Kath, its all right. I know he is important to you."

She used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. "I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say. He gives you something I never could, understanding. He helps you command this ship and from what I can see he shares some of the burdens too. I would be very selfish to hold you to our engagement when I know it is not what you want. You know I have always wanted you to be happy. Even way back when I was just that weird kid in the neighborhood." They both laughed as they remembered those days.

"Mark, I need to tell you…"

He smiled sweetly, "Kath, don't…"

"No, let me continue. It's important to me." Mark leaned back and listened. "When we were first stranded here, I felt like dying. I missed you so much. The picture of you and Molly were the screensaver on my terminal. At night when I went to sleep I ached to feel you near me. Every night I wore the peach night gown you gave me. It made me feel a little closer to you."

He closed his eyes and whispered the question he wasn't sure he wanted answered. "When did it change?"

"I don't know." She took a minute to put her thoughts in order. "As you saw on the bridge I am the Captain. I had to be strong. Everyone was hurting and I had to set an example. A few people knew I had a fiancé but I kept up a good front. Even though my heart was breaking, I hid it. As time went on I thought about the pain less and less. The only tough times were at night. After about two years I had to face the fact that you probably thought that I was dead and in all likelihood moved on with your life. So I tried to let go, but I didn't. You were always there in the back of my mind."

"But I was no longer in your heart."

She looked up a little surprised. "No, that's not true. In fact that's why Q brought you here. He knew that I had been lonely for a long time. He wanted to give me a chance to see you, to be loved again."

He reached up and ran his hand down her hair. "It'd not the same though. Is it?"

He pulled back a little so he could see her face. "We spent a lot of years being comfortable. Our relationship was easy, no pressure, no stress. We were old friends who slipped easily into the role of old lovers. But I think now we both know that is not enough. I want someone to look at me the way he looks at you."

"We are just friends, Mark. It has never been more than that. I have never been unfaithful to you!"

His face broke out into a broad smile. "I know that, Kath. That is not your style." They were both quiet for awhile, then Mark began to laugh.

"What?"

"I was just picturing him in your kitchen surrounded by your mother and Phoebe. He's not exactly the type of man they are used to you bringing home. Phoebe will have a field day."

Kathryn smiled nostalgically as thoughts of her mother and sister filled her head. "That could be interesting.

"Don't worry Gretchen will love him."

"I'm not ready for that yet, Mark."

"I know but you will be some day. It's a long ride home." He leaned over and hugged her close. "It's time to say good-bye."

She held on tightly. "But you won't even remember."

He held her for one more second. "I may not remember in my head but my heart will somehow know that is time to let go."

A light flashed and Q appeared. "It's time, Kathy."

They both stood up and hugged each other fiercely.

"I will never forget you, Mark. You helped me survive one of the worst experiences of my life."

"And you were one of the best things to happen to mine."

Mark pulled away and stood by Q. Just before Q snapped his fingers Mark called her name. "It's time to throw out the peach. Maybe something new in blue to match your eyes. Better yet let him pick it out." Then he was gone.

"Well that was an interesting five days. Wouldn't you agree, Kathy?"

"Leave me alone Q. I am going to the bridge."

"You are a hard woman to please!"

After she spent a few hours on the bridge, and thanked Tuvok for covering for her for the past few days, she decided that she needed a long hot shower. She stood under the steaming water and let it beat down on her aching shoulders, the shoulders that seemed to carry the weight of the world. As the tension slowly began to subside, her walls began to crumble and her emotions poured out. Very quickly the tears turned into sobs. She cried for the hurt and frustration of the last few days. She cried for the guilt and confusion she still felt. She cried for the love she lost. Then she sank down on her knees, as the pain wracked her body, and she cried for the love that regulations would not let her have. By the time the tears subsided, the water had turned cold and she was shivering. She wrapped herself in her robe and went into the other room and replicated a cup of hot coffee. She sat on the couch and tried to collect herself. Before she went to see Chakotay she needed a firm reign on her emotions. About an hour later she asked the computer to locate Commander Chakotay.

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

She got up and went to her bedroom to get dressed. "Computer can you locate him in his quarters?"

"He is five meters from the door."

That meant he was probably sitting on the couch. She reached for her uniform out of instinct. When she saw it in her hand she stopped. Although it would most likely be safer to wear her uniform she didn't want to. Tonight she wanted to be just Kathryn. A few minutes later she arrived at his door in black pants and a light blue sweater. He called her in and as she suspected he was sitting on the couch. She immediately went to join him. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good for an old man." She couldn't help but smile as he used Tom's favorite nickname for himself. "Then again I should be feeling good, I just got up! I slept since you left me this morning."

"That's good. Your body needed it. So you didn't have dinner yet."

"No, how about you?"

"Me neither. Are you up to going to see what Neelix is serving or do you want me to make something?"

"Make something?"

She playfully smacked his arm. "All right replicate something. That is if you trust me with your replicator."

"I'm not sure that you've given me much of a choice, Neelix's cooking or your replicating." They were both enjoying their easy camaraderie. Kathryn got up and got them a simple meal for dinner. They ate quietly for awhile before Chakotay spoke.

"How did things go with Mark?"

She had eaten a little but it was enough. She settled back to the side of the couch, resting her back on the arm rest. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up under her. It was the position that she found most comforting when she couldn't pace. "Things went well. Actually, he kind of broke up with me."

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise. "What happened?"

"He told me that when he saw me on the bridge during the attack he finally understood what it meant for me to be the Captain. He also knew that that was a part of my life that he could never share. Then he pointed out that you and I obviously share that connection." She hung her head a little. She was tired and emotional spent. Chakotay reached over and held her hand. "He then went on to tell me that he would be selfish to hold me to our engagement when it would not make me happy. He was very noble and that made things even worse."

"Why? Did you want him to be angry?"

"That would have been better." She couldn't believe that she was crying again. She had not cried in front of anyone for years and now it seemed that she could not stop.

Chakotay moved to her side of the couch. He lifted her legs from under her and laid them across his lap. His left arm stretched across the back of the couch so his hand could be on her shoulder. He cautiously put his right hand just above her knee. "Why would it have been better if he was angry?"

"Because it was justified."

"I don't understand, Kathryn."

She needed to tell him the things she had held back from Mark. Maybe then she could put it behind her. "Since the time when the Bothan invaded our minds I have been struggling with a lot of guilt. The night we all fell victim to his powers I was in quarters when I heard Mark calling me. He kept saying that I was thinking about someone else and not him. He accused me of being unfaithful. In my waking dream I kept saying that I was not and that I loved only him. I lost my conscience mind when I was on the turbolift with him and I kissed him to prove that I was sincere."

"Why would you feel guilty for that?"

"Because I had been letting go. It was not a monumental decision but a very slow paced change of my feelings. I did not miss him like I used you. I enjoyed your company too much to think of him. My feelings for him were lessening while my feelings for you were growing. My waking dream just brought that realization to the forefront and that left me a lot of guilt. I felt guilty for not being truer to Mark and I also felt guilty because I thought that I was leading you on."

"Leading me on? Don't feel guilty on my account. I enjoy being with you and I never expect you to give me more than you are ready to give. I love having dinner with you, or going to the holodeck or even just spending the evening working. That's not leading me on, that's being a friend."

Kathryn closed her eyes and wondered how far she should pursue this. "Can you tell me that you don't wish things were different between us?"

"No, I can't, because I do, but that doesn't mean you should feel guilty. I enjoy being with you, and yes, I find you extremely desirable but that doesn't mean my sexual desire overrides my good sense. Kathryn, I'm not young anymore. I'm a grown man. I am perfectly capable of controlling myself and I will until you say otherwise." He lifted her chin up and smiled at her. "As a matter of fact, you shouldn't feel guilty, I think you should take it as a compliment."

She couldn't help but smile. This man was unbelievable. What she ever did to deserve him she would never know. "Where does that leave us?" She asked him.

"Right where we have always been, you in command and me right by your side."

She turned herself around and rested her head on his shoulder. Before long her body relaxed and she dosed off. Chakotay allowed himself fifteen minutes before he gently shook her. "Hey, your going to wake up with another backache if you sleep here."

She rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry. It has been a very tiring day."

"Don't apologize. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than sit here and hold you but I think you need to get some sleep."

Kathryn stood up and stretched and walked toward the door. He was standing in the middle of the room when she turned to look at him one last time before she left. He looked at her and slowly held out his arms. She hesitated a second before she walked into his embrace. They both stood still holding each other close. Kathryn's head was buried in his chest, while Chakotay's chin rested on her hair.

He heard her begin to speak so he lowered his head to hear her. "I'm just not ready yet."

He turned and gently kissed her head. "I know. It's enough to know that one day you will be."

(Epilogue to follow)