There You'll Be

by Christy Anderson

Janeway realizes that she has always kept Chakotay at arms length because she never wanted to owe him, anything. It turns out that she owes him more that she could ever know...

Author: Christy Anderson

You can contact me at kittyunlimited@go.com.

Disclaimer: First, I obviously don't own Voyager, I don't own Paramount. For my amusement and the amusement of others, I merely borrow them for my own original plot lines. There You'll Be is a song written by Diane Warren, and if I'm not mistaken Paramount owns it too, not I. How ironic! No resemblance is intended to anyone, and no infringement on human rights and / or copyright laws is implied.

With all that said, this is a story idea I had in August, but didn't have the chance to write. Now that it's written, enjoy! I appreciate any and every bit of feedback I get. Always, Christy - Konban wa!

There You'll Be

A slight autumn wind blew through the trees at Arlington National Cemetery. It teased Janeway's hair, swirling the light gray strands around to the side and in her face. With an old, wrinkled hand, Kathryn Janeway deftly put the hair back into place. As the wind ceased for just a moment, she wished it would go away- strange, since she always loved the winds that came in autumn. They were always so cool, crisp, and refreshing. But this blustering wind from the east amplified the difficulty in walking up the long hill. Arlington National Cemetery had been around for centuries- it had once been part of General Lee's Estate during the Civil War. All sixty-one presidents of the United States were buried there, and after the conform to a world government, the Federation had continued to make use of the historical hallowed ground- granted, they had expanded.

The leaves beneath Janeway's feet made a satisfying crunch that seemed to echo throughout the hillside. From up here you could look down on headquarters, and even see a bit of the Potomac River. This was wonderfully blessed. Kathryn peered ahead of her through the long tunnel of red cherry trees with their leaves long fallen off in the preparation for winter. Ah, it smelled so good in the spring that one could really believe you were in heaven. For her, it was good enough. She did not need to be on the top of a mountain to experience that superbly freeing feeling- he had taught her that.

When I think back on these times

At that thought, Kathryn stopped to catch her breath. Eighty-two years old and she was in perfect health, but she could not say the same about her body. These trips took longer and longer to make- she had started this morning, and by now the noonday sun was well overhead. It was too taxing- today she would tell him that. Next time she came to visit, she would take the transport. But she still would miss the scenic walk, the time she had alone to herself, to organize her thoughts before she talked to him. Just like she missed those times on Voyager. Small tears formed in her eyes. Her crew was all grown up now; they had left the nest and had had families of their own. It was so hard to believe that Miral was expecting her second daughter, and Naomi now had a family of six Oh those times How ironic was life When Janeway had been on Voyager, she had been anxious to go back home. Every single second that they had spent there had been too long, and now, it was not enough. Life had been simple then- all right, a slight exaggeration- life had been simpler than it was when they had come home. Choices were hard in the making, but all that Kathryn had had to do was look across the Bridge and see their supporting faces, and Chakotay's. It was he who had really pushed her- he who had taught her to believe in herself, to believe in life believing in more than she could see before her very eyes.

And the dreams we left behind

Janeway stood up slowly, fighting back the tears. She would not cry now, not here. Years ago she had made those decisions and left the crossroads behind, but still Kasthryn had to wonder. Unwise decisions and regret were not what haunted her life; instead it was the fact that she had let her life slip through her hands before she had even noticed. He told me to hang on He wanted to help me. Kathryn shook her head, realizing she would never forget his face. The way that he had looked up at her at New Earth was one look she stored in her memories for those lonely nights that often came her way. There once was a warrior- a warrior who lost his friends and family in a great war. His life lost its purpose and for many years the warrior did not want to go on living. But one day a successful female warrior rode into his town. And she asked him to follow her into battle. She was strong, and he found that in accepting, she gave purpose back into his life. And he vowed to follow her anywhere she went Why did you stop Chakotay? How long has it been since you left, friend? Scarcely a year oh gods

I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life

Positive thoughts, Kathryn, positive thoughts, she found herself chiding. Lately she had been too cynical for even her own tastes. It was better to move on and think of positive thoughts. What really helped was thinking about all the blessings she had and the times that she had really lived. Most of those times were with him. Chakotay was truly a blessing, hands down. No one could object to that- he had been a blessing to everybody. And to think that when she had met him, she had been completely suspicious. Kathryn had wanted to trust him, but Janeway had not been able to, not until after New Earth, and not completely- never completely. He had known that too; he had faced the same opposition from the entire crew in the beginnings of those days. Undoubtedly, he had won them all over. Was there every any doubt in her mind that she would? Who else would have chased down a son by himself so that he did not risk Voyager and her crew? No one; no one but Chakotay. She had really given him hell on that one when they had retrieved him. Voyager was a family and they were meant to be there for each other, even today. Even now and that's why she missed them so much.

When I think back on these days

The winding trail went up before her. Her destination was at the very top; the very, very top. It was the prettiest place here, and it had been her decision. She knew he would love it. Kathryn chided herself on such a stupid decision. That decision had to be one of the most abominably shortsighted decisions she had ever made. Ignorant of her increasing age and restrictive motion, she had never considered that as she grew older the location might be a hindrance. Blatantly Janeway shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts out of her mind. That was not what she wanted to think about. Not today. The only thing she wanted to do was remember. Remember times like when he had come into her Ready Room, how often he had come into her Ready Room. It was better to remember the times like when he had shown her how to find her spirit guide. He had sent her to the most peaceful place she had ever been in her life. And the lizard her guide if only B'Elanna had not interrupted. She laughed at the memory- B'Elanna, the only person who had tried to murder her spirit guide, murder it!

I'll look and see your face

Oh, he had given her laughter. Whether purposefully or not, his sky spirits had given him a face that would have cheered up a thunderstorm when he smiled. In fact, his smile was the best part of his features. If she had had a nickel for every time she had thought about his face and kissing it, she would have been a rich woman well, maybe a dime. Back in the Voyager days she had possessed quite a strong and disciplined spirit. There were the times when she had considered the relationship between herself and her first officer, but in the end, logic had always won out. It wasn't worth the risk. Not even for that smiling face the smiling face that he had given her every morning just to make her feel better, after she had had her coffee of course. Without coffee, no matter how powerful the smile, she could be quite the unreasonable woman. In fact how many times had he perilously reminded her that she was addicted and offered alternatives? Janeway involuntarily laughed again, swaying back in forth across the path as she tried to refill her lungs with air. He had known that was a suicide mission before he attempted it and still

You were right there for me

The path grew steeper before her, the first time out of many before it finally flattened out. It was usually here that she reminded herself of what a short way was left. But she did not need that kind of encouragement today- she had to talk to him, she had to blow off what was on her chest, and he was waiting for her. Chakotay was always waiting for her it would always be that way too. He waited for me for six long years Six years and then what did he do?! He started a relationship with Seven! It was not the thought of it that had been upsetting, but the fact that he had given up, and hadn't bothered to inform her. Granted she had needed some twisted curve like that to throw her off her high horse. Janeway needed to be reminded that just because he had waited six years did not mean that he would wait forever. No, he was getting on and years, and so was she. At that time there had been no other way, not time for them to share together. It had all been wrong. But still even during the relationship, when they had finally reached home, Chakotay had been there as a friend. When he could, he had never failed to take her to lunch and catch up, just the two of them, friends forever.

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life

And she would not ever get over him. Kathryn had always wanted the relationship, to be held in his arms, to return his words of love and devotion, to be safe. But Janeway wanted to be safe her own way. She could not trust anyone to watch her back, she watched it herself, and she did not depend on anyone or anything. Her rank did not allow for that. She was Captain; she had to be Captain. It was not a choice or a rank that you assume any day that you feel like it. Being Captain was a consuming lifestyle. Chakotay had not believed that, though. But instead of protesting, he had put in his extra effort to work around it, so that they could always be friends. Those kinds of people you cannot find but once every one million years. He was her diamond in the rough, for lack of better words

I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

That's the Chakotay she wanted desperately to remember always. This was the man who became pea green with jealousy when Q asked me to be his mate This was the man who argued with her, especially when she was wrong. He offered his opinion quietly; he stayed behind her and gave support, but he did not stand aside when she was wrong. Chakotay never gave up his ground on that point. He put protocol to hell and told her straight out, no matter what she did or threatened. He was the man who was not afraid to take her down a notch or two when she had blinded herself to the truth. While others backed down, allowing her to make her own mistakes, he did not. Chakotay would have rather died then let Kathryn ruin her reputation and position of honor by making stupid mistakes. It was just another thing he did. "Did you poison the coffee, Kathryn"- boy they had had some interesting arguments in their day. Arguments that would be with her always, just like his spirit

And everywhere I am there you'll be

That was the Chakotay who was with her now, always. The Chakotay that she felt in the earth around her. Not the broken man who had plagued her existence for years after she had returned home No not him that part was a dream

Well, you showed me how it feels
To have the sky within my reach

If there had been one thing about their relationship that had survived, it was his unprecedented need to lift all of her burdens away. On Voyager, at home, in jail, he had always taken Kathryn's burdens, without complaint. He had freed her, freed her to touch the sky, to fly away a free bird, not some captive chained to a cage. But when the favor needed to be returned, she had not freed him. Not even three days in the Alpha Quadrant, and the Federation authorities had come for him. Despite her reports and her protests, the Federation had put Chakotay on trial for crimes against Starfleet and the Federation. They had tried him for being a rebel and an enemy against them and all of the principles that the Federation stood for. These men, men she had looked up to, Admiral Bullock in particular had flippantly discounted the last seven years of his life that Chakotay had given freely in service of Voyager and the Federation. When they put him on the stand, it was not for what he had done, it was for what they considered he still did. They accused him of being a fraud, and that was what had really crushed Chakotay's spirit. And no matter what she did, Janeway had not been able to prove him innocent. Chakotay had been mercilessly sentenced to twenty years in jail, no bail

And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me

Janeway almost collapsed in the middle of the path, and it was not only because she was short of breath. The emotional pain was nearly enough to knock her over. He had been there always, and she had let him down, in the worst way possible. Was it not enough that she had let him hanging for six years? No, that was not it either. What really killed Kathryn was what had happened in jail. The fact that Chakotay had cut himself off from all whom he had loved. B'Elanna, Seven, all of his friends everyone but her. He had refused to see anyone but her. And the was the way it was for the next twenty years as he had withered away. You cannot chain an eagle up and expect it to still live. Wild eagles cannot survive in captivity

Your love made me make it through

Even with all the love in the world, Janeway could not save him. I couldn't save him I couldn't stop him from losing his mind I couldn't stop him from losing all that he knew and loved Eventually she had had to tell Seven to move on. Eventually friends had stopped trying to visit him. Twenty years is a long way to try. But Janeway had stayed with him. She had stayed with him to the end of his term. She had lived at the prison for practically twenty years for whenever he needed her. It was not guilt that had kept her there- not for twenty years- it had been love. She loved Chakotay, but she had been too afraid to tell him. Maybe if she had, he would have been so much better off. When he was finally let out of jail, Christy Anderson, a former crew member had pulled some strings and secured him a position at an anthropology museum that did active expeditions to all over the world. But Chakotay, no matter how long he had hoped for such a position before had not lasted one week.

Oh, I owe so much to you

I should have told you from the very start how I felt. I should have made my feelings known. I shouldn't have run away from my feelings. I shouldn't have hid within my shell of rank. That's what I did, you know, Chakotay? That's what I did I hid I hid from you. I couldn't bear to lose anyone else, not after Mark, not after Justin. You couldn't have known how tore up my heart was inside. It would never be whole again. Not after I had already offered it to two men. I couldn't bear handing over what was left. If I lost those last few pieces of my broken heart, I would have died. You didn't see what a horribly incompetent person I was. I let my father and Justin die! I watched them slip beneath the ice on Cellon Prime! I couldn't stop it! I drove Mark away. Of course I was destined to do the same to you but you never pressured me

You were right there for me

The pain holding her chest in such a vice like grasp suddenly subsided. It was all her fault that this had happened to Chakotay, just like Justin. There was no one else to place the blame on but herself. It was she who had messed up her last three relationships. But it was hard to believe that Chakotay had not seen that when he met her. Chakotay knew how much like a broken animal she really was, and what he had really continually done was to try to mend that broken gap, ever since they first had met. Even when he had been in jail, he had kept her close, even while losing his mind! It had all been about her and her well-being. Just before the Chakotay she had always known was gone forever, he had told her that it wasn't her fault. He had thanked her for being there. He had asked her to take care of him, no matter what happened. He trusted her, and he knew he wouldn't be around too much longer

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

Had he always known? Had he always know how their stories would turn out and still made the same decisions? There was always an awareness that had surrounded Chakotay. He had known when she was hurt. He knew when to stand up and when to back down. In fact he had sheltered her for so much of her life that Kathryn almost had forgotten what it was like to stand alone. He knew, and he always knew what that relationship had meant to her- emotionally, mentally, and physically. And so he had been the sacrificial lamb, always giving of himself so that she would have enough, so that she would always be safe. He knew

Cause I always saw in you my life, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me

He knew She never owed anyone in her life as much as she owed him. Life was really ironic. Janeway could not trust anyone- she guarded her own back, but someone had had it for her all along. And looking back, she could never be more grateful

You were right there for me

He had known

Always

The path leveled out in front of Janeway and she saw her final destination at the top. Overcome with joy, she dropped to her knees in front of the stone, sweeping the autumn leaves away. In winter it was snow, in spring, flowers. This place was beautiful, he would have wanted it this way. "Hello, dear friend," Janeway whispered to the stone tracing his name. Chakotay, son of Kolopak. A feeling of relief, as if her burdens had all been taken away again, came over her, and in some strange way, she knew that he was watching over her shoulder, watching the sun set. Finally there, she felt like celebrating today was an anniversary. Many years ago to the day, they had first met, on New Earth, and last year, he had passed away, quite peacefully, in her arms at her house. They had never been lovers, they had been of a kind closer to that. He had pledged his life to her and in her service, and now he was waiting, waiting for the day that she would join him on his Happy Hunting Grounds, and they could be together, forever. The way they had always been intended to be. But until then, he was here, beside her, he always had been. Janeway smiled a smile that she hoped could rival one of Chakotay's own. "I love you," she confided allowing the words to slip away on that east wind, as an eagle flew through the sky and circled high above until it was not longer in sight.

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be

There you'll be

The End