Archiving: WRFA, Mutual Admiration, Dolphin Haven.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine today either. Not a single thing here. Not the X-men themselves or this perversion of them...
Feedback: Sure, bring it on.
Category: Well, this is as silly as it gets...
Authors notes: This is my attempt to combine two addictions of mine. X-men the movie and the best comedy/parody TV-show
there is, Red Dwarf. Sort of combining anyway...more like taking some ideas from Red Dwarf and making it into a X-men
fic...
-------------------------------------
Lights. Very bright lights.
Shining directly into Logan's eyes, making him very disoriantated. "So this is how it's in the
afterlife" he said out loud even if he didn't know whether Lucifer or Gabriel or some other
keeper of the dead was there to hear him.
"Of course not. You're not dead."
That voice he did recognize. Xavier.
He sat up, but didn't see Xavier anywhere around. He did see where he was though. The medlab,
with no one around. Which was very weird. He couldn't remember what mission they had been out
on that had made it necessary for him to end up down here and even weirder, why wasn't Jeannie
or Beast here making sure he was okay once he woke up? The medical profession must have gone
even further downhill lately, groping or no groping.
"Okay Wheels. Where are you and what am I doing down here?"
"All in good time. Just make yourself useful for a change and report to the War Room immediately."
"Hey, when did Wheels got that cocky? But whatever." Logan thought and slowly began to walk towards
the War Room. The hallways of the mansions were oddly deserted with no other inhabitant in sight.
No popsicle, flame boy, scooter, Marie or loudmouth in sight or in range of his senses in
any other way either.
"Okay Wheels, where's everybody?" he said out loud knowing perfectly well that he didn't have
to do that but he didn't particulary feel like feeling more like a loon than he knew he was.
Wheels didn't answer however and Logan soon found another distraction. A white powder of
some sort that he saw every now and then. Some was on the top of a table at the end of
one hallway in fact. He picked up a small sample of it and examined it. No smell and no
taste whatsoever.
"Wheels, this ain't funny. If this is your idea of a fun practical joke you're gonna die
by clawing."
"No practical joke, Logan. But will you come to the War Room today or next century?"
"Fine, I'm coming."
The War Room was just as oddly deserted like the rest of the Mansion, with those weird
piles of powder strewn about there too. And no Wheels there either.
"Okay, I'm here. Now what?"
"I have some bad news for you Logan. Better brace yourself. Every X-man is dead. You're the last
one alive."
It took some time for Logan to process that information and while he did that he plopped down
rather uncerminously in a chair and proceeded to examine yet another pile of white powder.
Same shit. No taste and no smell.
"Really? But you're alive."
"No. What you're hearing is just a state of the art computer with Xavier's voice. To make you
feel more at home so to speak."
"Uh-huh. So what happened? And what's all this white junk?"
"That white junk on the table is Second Commanding Officer Storm."
Logan spat out what was left of the powder in his mouth, "Christ. I've been eating half
the team. And who's that in the corner then?"
"First Commanding Officer Cyclops."
"Oh yeah? Didn't recognize him without that stick up his butt. But you're just kidding me,
right? Not everyone's dead?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Hank isn't, is he?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Not Jeannie though, right?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Marie can't be, can she?"
"Yes. Everybody is dead, Logan. You're the last one alive."
"Wait a minute. So what you're telling me is that everybody's dead?"
"Bravo. It took some time but you got there eventually."
"Shut the fuck up! No, wait. Don't do that. So, tell me. What happened?"
"Magneto attacked the Mansion with some new machinery. It was barely functioning
but well enough to render the X-men unable to defend themselves, but that's hardly
a surprise is it? Anyway, they fought bravely but in the end everyone died and the
machine exploded and created a forcefield around the mansion. No one gets out and
no one gets in. You were the only one to survive and Rogue got you down to the
Medlab so you could regenerate before she too died."
"She's dead?"
"Like I said."
"She can't be. I never told her but I loved her. I was going too, and was going to
ask her to marry me and move back with me to some secluded spot. Just the two of us."
"Well, she won't be of much use to you there now. Not unless it snows and you need
something to grit the path with."
"Wheels!"
"Sorry. I've been on my own for too long. I'm used to saying out loud what I'm thinking.
Think I've turned a bit peculiar to tell the truth."
"No kidding. So for how long was I out?"
"You sure you want to know?"
"Yeah."
"500 years."
"500 years! And I still haven't returned that library book."
"Tough."
"So I'm on my own then?"
"Well, techincally."
"What do you mean technically?"
At that point Scott Summers walks into the room.
"Hello Logan. Long time no see."
"I thought Wheels said you were dead?"
"I am. I'm just a hologram of Scott Summers."
Logan waves his hand towards Scott, and true enough. His hand just passes through
him like he was made of light.
"Do you mind?" Scott says indignantly. "It's hard enough being dead without you being
respectless too."
"So what's it like?"
"Being dead? Like being on a party with a bunch of germs."
"No, I mean. Being a hologram."
"A bit difficult, I tell you. I can't touch anything or feel or well, you get the idea.
So you will have to act like my arms and hands occassionally."
"No way. I know what you like to touch so that's a no go."
"Hey! I resent that."
"Too bad, but that's the way it is. I didn't like you when you were alive and I certainly
don't like you now."
"Pay some respect to the dead damn you!"
"When you get used to the fact that you don't have a body. That pile of albino mousedroppings
over there is you."
With that Logan rushes out of the war room, bloody annoyed.
"Wheels!" he shouts out. "Why did you have to make a hologram out of Scooter of all people?"
"Well, he is the one that you shared the most words with so I figured he was the one you
had most in common with."
"What?! Everything he said to me was to stay away from Jeannie and everything I said to him
was to fuck off. Oh, yeah. Very much in common."
"Okay, okay. I flamingoed up."
"Flamingoed up?"
"Fucked up but much worse."
"You don't say." Logan said and headed for the rec-room, needing to wind down.
He sat quietly in one of the sofas, smoking one of his trademark cigars (how they had
survived 500 years is anyones guess) when Scott made his entrance saying
"Are you smoking in here Logan? You know that's forbidden."
"Yeah, I am. I quit for quite a while but I'm back on them now."
Scott was trying to think up a witty retort but couldn't really think of any so he just
gave Logan a glare. A glare without visors for once. Who said death can't be beneficial
at times?
That was when the whole mansion started to shake.
"What was that?" Logan asked to no one in particular.
"Nothing really." Wheels answered, "Just the local authorieties that once again are trying
to break down the forcefield. They do that on a regular basis even though they know it's
pointless. Gotta love bureaucracy."
"This is just peachy" Logan thought. "Trapped in an old mansion that shakes every now and then
with a senile computer and a dorky hologram as the only companions. What more could possibly
go wrong in my life?"
Something Logan didn't really want an answer to.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine today either. Not a single thing here. Not the X-men themselves or this perversion of them...
Feedback: Sure, bring it on.
Category: Well, this is as silly as it gets...
Authors notes: This is my attempt to combine two addictions of mine. X-men the movie and the best comedy/parody TV-show
there is, Red Dwarf. Sort of combining anyway...more like taking some ideas from Red Dwarf and making it into a X-men
fic...
-------------------------------------
Lights. Very bright lights.
Shining directly into Logan's eyes, making him very disoriantated. "So this is how it's in the
afterlife" he said out loud even if he didn't know whether Lucifer or Gabriel or some other
keeper of the dead was there to hear him.
"Of course not. You're not dead."
That voice he did recognize. Xavier.
He sat up, but didn't see Xavier anywhere around. He did see where he was though. The medlab,
with no one around. Which was very weird. He couldn't remember what mission they had been out
on that had made it necessary for him to end up down here and even weirder, why wasn't Jeannie
or Beast here making sure he was okay once he woke up? The medical profession must have gone
even further downhill lately, groping or no groping.
"Okay Wheels. Where are you and what am I doing down here?"
"All in good time. Just make yourself useful for a change and report to the War Room immediately."
"Hey, when did Wheels got that cocky? But whatever." Logan thought and slowly began to walk towards
the War Room. The hallways of the mansions were oddly deserted with no other inhabitant in sight.
No popsicle, flame boy, scooter, Marie or loudmouth in sight or in range of his senses in
any other way either.
"Okay Wheels, where's everybody?" he said out loud knowing perfectly well that he didn't have
to do that but he didn't particulary feel like feeling more like a loon than he knew he was.
Wheels didn't answer however and Logan soon found another distraction. A white powder of
some sort that he saw every now and then. Some was on the top of a table at the end of
one hallway in fact. He picked up a small sample of it and examined it. No smell and no
taste whatsoever.
"Wheels, this ain't funny. If this is your idea of a fun practical joke you're gonna die
by clawing."
"No practical joke, Logan. But will you come to the War Room today or next century?"
"Fine, I'm coming."
The War Room was just as oddly deserted like the rest of the Mansion, with those weird
piles of powder strewn about there too. And no Wheels there either.
"Okay, I'm here. Now what?"
"I have some bad news for you Logan. Better brace yourself. Every X-man is dead. You're the last
one alive."
It took some time for Logan to process that information and while he did that he plopped down
rather uncerminously in a chair and proceeded to examine yet another pile of white powder.
Same shit. No taste and no smell.
"Really? But you're alive."
"No. What you're hearing is just a state of the art computer with Xavier's voice. To make you
feel more at home so to speak."
"Uh-huh. So what happened? And what's all this white junk?"
"That white junk on the table is Second Commanding Officer Storm."
Logan spat out what was left of the powder in his mouth, "Christ. I've been eating half
the team. And who's that in the corner then?"
"First Commanding Officer Cyclops."
"Oh yeah? Didn't recognize him without that stick up his butt. But you're just kidding me,
right? Not everyone's dead?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Hank isn't, is he?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Not Jeannie though, right?"
"Everybody is dead."
"Marie can't be, can she?"
"Yes. Everybody is dead, Logan. You're the last one alive."
"Wait a minute. So what you're telling me is that everybody's dead?"
"Bravo. It took some time but you got there eventually."
"Shut the fuck up! No, wait. Don't do that. So, tell me. What happened?"
"Magneto attacked the Mansion with some new machinery. It was barely functioning
but well enough to render the X-men unable to defend themselves, but that's hardly
a surprise is it? Anyway, they fought bravely but in the end everyone died and the
machine exploded and created a forcefield around the mansion. No one gets out and
no one gets in. You were the only one to survive and Rogue got you down to the
Medlab so you could regenerate before she too died."
"She's dead?"
"Like I said."
"She can't be. I never told her but I loved her. I was going too, and was going to
ask her to marry me and move back with me to some secluded spot. Just the two of us."
"Well, she won't be of much use to you there now. Not unless it snows and you need
something to grit the path with."
"Wheels!"
"Sorry. I've been on my own for too long. I'm used to saying out loud what I'm thinking.
Think I've turned a bit peculiar to tell the truth."
"No kidding. So for how long was I out?"
"You sure you want to know?"
"Yeah."
"500 years."
"500 years! And I still haven't returned that library book."
"Tough."
"So I'm on my own then?"
"Well, techincally."
"What do you mean technically?"
At that point Scott Summers walks into the room.
"Hello Logan. Long time no see."
"I thought Wheels said you were dead?"
"I am. I'm just a hologram of Scott Summers."
Logan waves his hand towards Scott, and true enough. His hand just passes through
him like he was made of light.
"Do you mind?" Scott says indignantly. "It's hard enough being dead without you being
respectless too."
"So what's it like?"
"Being dead? Like being on a party with a bunch of germs."
"No, I mean. Being a hologram."
"A bit difficult, I tell you. I can't touch anything or feel or well, you get the idea.
So you will have to act like my arms and hands occassionally."
"No way. I know what you like to touch so that's a no go."
"Hey! I resent that."
"Too bad, but that's the way it is. I didn't like you when you were alive and I certainly
don't like you now."
"Pay some respect to the dead damn you!"
"When you get used to the fact that you don't have a body. That pile of albino mousedroppings
over there is you."
With that Logan rushes out of the war room, bloody annoyed.
"Wheels!" he shouts out. "Why did you have to make a hologram out of Scooter of all people?"
"Well, he is the one that you shared the most words with so I figured he was the one you
had most in common with."
"What?! Everything he said to me was to stay away from Jeannie and everything I said to him
was to fuck off. Oh, yeah. Very much in common."
"Okay, okay. I flamingoed up."
"Flamingoed up?"
"Fucked up but much worse."
"You don't say." Logan said and headed for the rec-room, needing to wind down.
He sat quietly in one of the sofas, smoking one of his trademark cigars (how they had
survived 500 years is anyones guess) when Scott made his entrance saying
"Are you smoking in here Logan? You know that's forbidden."
"Yeah, I am. I quit for quite a while but I'm back on them now."
Scott was trying to think up a witty retort but couldn't really think of any so he just
gave Logan a glare. A glare without visors for once. Who said death can't be beneficial
at times?
That was when the whole mansion started to shake.
"What was that?" Logan asked to no one in particular.
"Nothing really." Wheels answered, "Just the local authorieties that once again are trying
to break down the forcefield. They do that on a regular basis even though they know it's
pointless. Gotta love bureaucracy."
"This is just peachy" Logan thought. "Trapped in an old mansion that shakes every now and then
with a senile computer and a dorky hologram as the only companions. What more could possibly
go wrong in my life?"
Something Logan didn't really want an answer to.