Trooper Journal
Chapter Two: I Pray For Tomorrow
A/N: I don't own the song, which is "Walk On" by U2. I got a request for this, so see if you can guess who it is! It's actually easier than last time. *sigh*
//And if the darkness is to keep us apart.//
As I write this, I'm sitting bolt upright in my bed, my breaths harsh and my heartbeat a little too quick.
These nightmares.. They haunt me. One moment I'm in my bed, fast asleep, nothing but a comforting darkness surrounding me. The next I'm battling for my life as Youja soldiers cut down my friends and allies like young trees.
Always I wonder if it is some kind of a sign, or something. Are we needed again?
Gods, I hope not.
//And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off.//
I apologize if my handwriting is a little bad.. I'm shaking terribly. Ever since I returned home, one thing my mother always sees is that I seem constantly afraid of something. No, Mother, not something. Someone.
She also wonders where her quiet little boy went, to be replaced by me, a slightly cynical teenager who never seems to be around when he's needed.
I guess I changed, too, like it or not.
I'm different from them now, so different it's scary.
I see people in the hall at school, their happy, smiling faces and sports and such, and all I see now is how different we are.
If this is how unaware people are, then I pray for tomorrow's generation.
//And if your glass heart should crack, and for a second you turn back, oh no, be strong..//
I feel like a fish out of water. You know that expression? That's me.
With the others I felt so relaxed, I could just completely be myself and free.
Now, back home without them, I feel so alone, and I must again set up my facades of happiness and kindness that I don't truly feel.
So much for mommy's little boy.
He went and fought a war and now he's gone.
//You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been, a place that has to be believed to be seen.//
I miss Shuu and, yes, although I hate to admit it, even his little (little? Excuse me, did I say that?) jokes. I miss having to go find Seiji and make sure he doesn't meditate past breakfast time. I miss playing ball with Ryo, Yuli, and Byakuen. I even miss trying to wake up Touma in the morning.
I miss my friends, that other family that I see occasionaly on vacations and summertime.
I stay up late some nights, not used to the silence of a house that doesn't have four other teenagers, a tiger, an eight-year-old, and an eighteen-year-old in it. I'm not used to not listening to Ryo and Shuu's snoring, the music that sometimes plays when Touma is studying if he gets down to actually turning the stereo on, and the crashes that mean that Byakuen broke something. I miss that, too.
My loneliness is not kind to me.
//You could have flown away, a singing bird in open cage who will only fly, only fly, for freedom.//
My mother worries about me now. She doesn't seem to think that I'm quite right in the head after my "leave of absence". Then again, she doesn't know that I fought a war against demons in that time, either. She thinks I was kidnapped, or something like that. Nope, sorry. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Then again, how can anyone fight a war like that and ever be "right" again? How can anyone survive the mental and emotional scars it gave to my friends and I?
Emotional scars. That's a bad term. You're trying to tell me that all I get from seeing my friends beaten to within an inch of their life is "emotional scars"? What bull. Absolute bull.
The psychiatrist my mother took me to says I'm "depressed". Buddy, you don't know the half of it.
I just thank my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as Seiji (who's immense responsibilities doesn't allow mistakes) or Touma (who is far more "depressed" than I am, and has no one to talk to about it). And then I live.
I must live.
If Arago revives again, I will fight him.
//Oh, and to know what it is if you never had one home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home, that's where the heart is.//
"Home is where the heart is" they tell you. But my heart will never be in my home. It rests in the Yagyu home, my true home, where I live every moment I can, with my friends. That "other" family I have, to fall back on in matters no one in my family would understand. Like war, armors, weapons, and the Youjakai.
So many things I just don't understand anymore. How can all these people take all of this for granted, when they have come so close to losing it all?
Then again, they never knew.
Yet we Samurai Troopers will carry the burden of that knowledge all of our lives.
//And I know it aches and your heart it breaks, you can only take so much, walk on. Leave it behind. You've got to leave it behind.//
I love to hear the ocean. It soothes me, makes me calm. It erases the worry, anxiety, and stress that I've had lately, putting in it's place a gentle calm that envelopes me.
I need that more than ever, these days. With everything that has happened, it helps to have a little calm, a little time to think about things in a calm way, not sadly, or angrily, as I tend to do otherwise.
The other Troopers are like brothers to me. I can't help but miss them, despite how much I try not to think of them. I can always picture Shuu in the kitchen, or outside, Seiji meditating on the big rock in the garden out back, Ryo playing with Byakuen in the yard, or Touma reading on the couch. It is so hard not to think of them.
My friends.
I wish that they could be with me now.
//All that you fashion, all that you make, all that you build, all that you break, all that you treasure, all that you feel, all that you can't leave behind.//
I just feel so out of place. So wrong.
Like I said before, I feel like a fish out of water.
I just want to live my life, with my friends, but I can't.
Last month Nasuti closed up the old Yagyu place and headed for the college dorms, and no one sees each other much anymore.
Everyone else in the world, meanwhile, is ignorant to us.
Is this generation is so bad, then I will say what I said before:
I pray for tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Shin Mouri, Warrior of Suiko
Yoroiden Samurai Trooper
Chapter Two: I Pray For Tomorrow
A/N: I don't own the song, which is "Walk On" by U2. I got a request for this, so see if you can guess who it is! It's actually easier than last time. *sigh*
//And if the darkness is to keep us apart.//
As I write this, I'm sitting bolt upright in my bed, my breaths harsh and my heartbeat a little too quick.
These nightmares.. They haunt me. One moment I'm in my bed, fast asleep, nothing but a comforting darkness surrounding me. The next I'm battling for my life as Youja soldiers cut down my friends and allies like young trees.
Always I wonder if it is some kind of a sign, or something. Are we needed again?
Gods, I hope not.
//And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off.//
I apologize if my handwriting is a little bad.. I'm shaking terribly. Ever since I returned home, one thing my mother always sees is that I seem constantly afraid of something. No, Mother, not something. Someone.
She also wonders where her quiet little boy went, to be replaced by me, a slightly cynical teenager who never seems to be around when he's needed.
I guess I changed, too, like it or not.
I'm different from them now, so different it's scary.
I see people in the hall at school, their happy, smiling faces and sports and such, and all I see now is how different we are.
If this is how unaware people are, then I pray for tomorrow's generation.
//And if your glass heart should crack, and for a second you turn back, oh no, be strong..//
I feel like a fish out of water. You know that expression? That's me.
With the others I felt so relaxed, I could just completely be myself and free.
Now, back home without them, I feel so alone, and I must again set up my facades of happiness and kindness that I don't truly feel.
So much for mommy's little boy.
He went and fought a war and now he's gone.
//You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been, a place that has to be believed to be seen.//
I miss Shuu and, yes, although I hate to admit it, even his little (little? Excuse me, did I say that?) jokes. I miss having to go find Seiji and make sure he doesn't meditate past breakfast time. I miss playing ball with Ryo, Yuli, and Byakuen. I even miss trying to wake up Touma in the morning.
I miss my friends, that other family that I see occasionaly on vacations and summertime.
I stay up late some nights, not used to the silence of a house that doesn't have four other teenagers, a tiger, an eight-year-old, and an eighteen-year-old in it. I'm not used to not listening to Ryo and Shuu's snoring, the music that sometimes plays when Touma is studying if he gets down to actually turning the stereo on, and the crashes that mean that Byakuen broke something. I miss that, too.
My loneliness is not kind to me.
//You could have flown away, a singing bird in open cage who will only fly, only fly, for freedom.//
My mother worries about me now. She doesn't seem to think that I'm quite right in the head after my "leave of absence". Then again, she doesn't know that I fought a war against demons in that time, either. She thinks I was kidnapped, or something like that. Nope, sorry. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Then again, how can anyone fight a war like that and ever be "right" again? How can anyone survive the mental and emotional scars it gave to my friends and I?
Emotional scars. That's a bad term. You're trying to tell me that all I get from seeing my friends beaten to within an inch of their life is "emotional scars"? What bull. Absolute bull.
The psychiatrist my mother took me to says I'm "depressed". Buddy, you don't know the half of it.
I just thank my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as Seiji (who's immense responsibilities doesn't allow mistakes) or Touma (who is far more "depressed" than I am, and has no one to talk to about it). And then I live.
I must live.
If Arago revives again, I will fight him.
//Oh, and to know what it is if you never had one home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home, that's where the heart is.//
"Home is where the heart is" they tell you. But my heart will never be in my home. It rests in the Yagyu home, my true home, where I live every moment I can, with my friends. That "other" family I have, to fall back on in matters no one in my family would understand. Like war, armors, weapons, and the Youjakai.
So many things I just don't understand anymore. How can all these people take all of this for granted, when they have come so close to losing it all?
Then again, they never knew.
Yet we Samurai Troopers will carry the burden of that knowledge all of our lives.
//And I know it aches and your heart it breaks, you can only take so much, walk on. Leave it behind. You've got to leave it behind.//
I love to hear the ocean. It soothes me, makes me calm. It erases the worry, anxiety, and stress that I've had lately, putting in it's place a gentle calm that envelopes me.
I need that more than ever, these days. With everything that has happened, it helps to have a little calm, a little time to think about things in a calm way, not sadly, or angrily, as I tend to do otherwise.
The other Troopers are like brothers to me. I can't help but miss them, despite how much I try not to think of them. I can always picture Shuu in the kitchen, or outside, Seiji meditating on the big rock in the garden out back, Ryo playing with Byakuen in the yard, or Touma reading on the couch. It is so hard not to think of them.
My friends.
I wish that they could be with me now.
//All that you fashion, all that you make, all that you build, all that you break, all that you treasure, all that you feel, all that you can't leave behind.//
I just feel so out of place. So wrong.
Like I said before, I feel like a fish out of water.
I just want to live my life, with my friends, but I can't.
Last month Nasuti closed up the old Yagyu place and headed for the college dorms, and no one sees each other much anymore.
Everyone else in the world, meanwhile, is ignorant to us.
Is this generation is so bad, then I will say what I said before:
I pray for tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Shin Mouri, Warrior of Suiko
Yoroiden Samurai Trooper