Author's note: As long as the good reviews keep coming, so will the chapters! :-) Oh, and BTW, I forgot Lizzie's gym teacher's name so I just made one up.
[] mean a character is thinking something.
* means emphasis on a word(s).
Quest for Perfection
| Chapter Three: Downward Spiral |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had already been three weeks since that ugly incident with my parents... you know, when they told me to stop dieting? It was absurd! I wasn't going to stop dieting for *anyone*, not even Ethan Craft. In a way, I was doing this entire losing weight thing for him. I figured that if I was pretty and thin, he'd ask me out. And I was already on my way to being thin! It was the beginning of February, four weeks after I started the diet, and I had lost *twenty* pounds. The thing is, though, some stuff had been happening to me. Lately, I'd been having these frequent dizzy spells and waves of nausea, and I blacked out twice. I had become rather weak; it seemed like *every* task, even little ones like taking out the trash, required more energy than I possessed. It was a struggle for me to even walk up my driveway. I was *always* cold and would wear layers of clothing, but that didn't help because I'd still be cold. I started having trouble sleeping and my clothes were baggy on me
because *none* of them fit me anymore. I quit eating altogether. My daily meals consisted of eight glasses of water and five sticks of Extra sugarfree gum. That was it. I always managed to find excuses to get out of dinner. I would say that I had homework to do, or I had to go help Miranda study. Or I would say that I would rather eat dinner in my room, and when mom would bring my plate in, I'd scrape the food out of the window after she left. I don't think she suspected anything. Also, and I know this may sound crazy, but I started hearing this voice. It was a voice that controlled me. It was telling me lose weight... it was praising me for losing weight. And if I forgot to exercise or ate even the slightest bit more than my alloted calories, it would shout, "McGuire, you're a stupid, ugly, fat pig! Don't be so weak you failure!" Strangely enough, I depended on this voice. It was like it was my only true friend in the world. It kept me safe. It was the only thing in the
world that I could trust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Lizzie," Miranda said as I sat down next to her at the lunch table.
"Hey," I said back, rubbing my temples.
"Headache?" Gordo questioned.
"Yeah," I said with a painful wince.
Gordo shook his head, "It's a hunger headache."
"What?!" I inquired.
"You don't eat, Lizzie, so you get hunger headaches," he explained.
I rolled my eyes, "Shut up, Gordo!"
Instead of being hurt by my harsh words, Gordo continued. "See, a mood swing. That's from not eating, too."
"I agree," Miranda added, taking Gordo's side. "Lizzie, you don't eat. I don't remember the last time you ate."
"Don't you see what's happening to you?" Gordo pressed. "Lizzie, you look bad... *really* bad. You've lost so much weight and now, you're just this skinny little stick. You remind me of a twig that can be snapped in two if the wind blows hard enough."
[Don't listen to them] the voice was telling me. [They're just trying to ruin everything. If you listen to them, you're going to be showing how weak you are you pathetic cow!]
"THAT'S IT!" I shouted, pulling myself up with the little energy I had, "Just leave me alone," my voice was now low and whimpery. Then suddenly, everything began to sway; including me.
"Lizzie!" Miranda exclaimed, jumping up and grabbing my shoulder to steady me.
"I... I'm fine," I said, blinking and shaking my head.
"Listen," Gordo explained, "We're your friends and we're worried about you, that's all. We know you have a problem and we're scared."
"Really scared," Miranda said, looking at me with sympathetic eyes.
"Yeah, well you don't need to be scared because I'm fine," I said, walking away slowly, silently praying that I wouldn't faint right then and there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ok girls," the gym teacher, Ms. Sanford announced, clapping her hands to get our attention, "Today, we'll be playing kickball in the gym. Hurry up and get dressed!"
This was the class that I dreaded most. Not because I hated most of the people in it, or because I hated sports. But because I had become too weak to do any physical activities. I was always terrified that I would pass out during hockey, or volleyball. And another bad thing; my uniform no longer fit me. My shirt was, like, six sizes too big for me and it just hung loosely off my body. And my shorts... oh God, my shorts. I had to put a safety pin in them twice, but that didn't help; they were just too big for me and I was always afraid that they were going to fall down during class. So, I always held the waistband up with my hands. The other girls would point and stare and whisper things to eachother about me. Once, I overheard the evil, supremely snobby Kate sanders telling the other girls in the locker room that I was an "anorexic freak". I didn't do anything about it, though, because I was just too exhausted to care.
"Lizzie," Miranda said, pulling me out of my reverie.
"Yeah?" I replied, shaking my head to get out of my trance.
"Come on, we have to get to the gym."
"Okay," I said, forcing a tiny smile.
[Please don't pass out, please don't pass out!] I begged quietly, hiking up my loose gym shorts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Good game, girls," Ms. Sanford said as we all entered the locker room.
I walked slowly, like an old arthritic woman. I was so extremely tired out; that game of kickball drained all the little bit of energy that I had out of me. I wobbled over to my little corner and stood there for a few moments, trying to catch my breath. The lights in the room looked so bright; they hurt my eyes. Everyone around me was talking, but their voices sounded distant inaudible. Suddenly, the room began to shake and I got very dizzy. Then, all I saw was black...
"Lizzie?" a familar voice beckoned from nearby.
Slowly, I opened my eyes to see Ms. Sanford, Miranda and a few other girls hovering over me with worried looks on their faces. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was lying on the floor... because I *fainted*.
"Out of my way," I said, attempting to get up.
"Here," Miranda said, holding her hand out to help me.
"No," I said, pushing it away, "I can do it myself."
But the truth was, I *couldn't* do it myself, and I was embarrassed having to reach out for Miranda's hand.
"Why don't you go to the nurse?" Ms. Sanford suggested as Miranda helped me off the cold ground.
"No," I replied, "I'm okay."
"I really think you should go to the nurse," Ms. Sanford said. It sounded more like an demand than a request.
"Fine," I said, sighing deeply.
Great, just great! The last thing I needed was the school nurse on my back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, Mrs. Riles," I said, entering the nurse's office.
"Lizzie McGuire," she stood up and walked over to me with a great big smile, "How may I help you today?"
"Well," I replied, "I... I... I passed out in gym and Ms. Sanford told me to come here to see you."
"Mmmhmmm," Mrs. Riles nodded, looking me up and down, which made me feel very uncomfortable. "Lizzie, would you step on the scale?"
I was confused. "What?"
"Step on the scale," she repeated, turning her gaze toward the piece of metal equiptment sitting next to her desk.
I nodded and made my way over to the scale. I was *so* tired and still a little dizzy as I stepped on. I closed my eyes tightly and bit my bottom lip as Mrs. Riles weighed me.
"Ninety two," she said.
I opened my eyes and looked at the numbers on the scale: They read ninety two alright.
"Lizzie," she said, her hands resting on her hips, "Ninety two is entirely too little for someone of your height. You're underweight, dear. And you've lost an immense amount of weight within the last month; my guess is about twenty two or twenty three pounds. It's not healthy at all lose that much weight within a month's time. Either you haven't been eating enough or you haven't been eating at all. Which one is it?"
[DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING!] the voice shouted. [SHE'S ON TO YOU, MCGUIRE! LIE YOU STUPID FREAK. LIE TO HER! DON'T LET HER KNOW ANYTHING!]
"I've just been exercising alot, that's all," I lied.
Mrs. Riles looked at me with her piercing gaze. She shook her head and said, "Listen, you can't lose *anymore* weight. Understand me? In fact, you need to gain a few pounds."
[DON'T LISTEN TO HER!] the voice hollered. [SHE'S JUST WANTS TO MAKE YOU TO BE AN UNHAPPY, FAT WHALE MCGUIRE!]
I nodded. "Okay, can I go now?"
"I guess," she said, shaking her head.
I got off the scale and made my way out of her office. Once I was in the silent hallway, I sauntered over to my locker and kneeled down in front of it. [*Why am I so tired?] I wondered. I just wanted to go home and climb into bed and SLEEP. But I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it home; I had used all the energy I had play kickball in gym. I didn't have the energy to make it home.
"What am I gonna do?" I asked myself, pulling a stick of gum out of my pocket. I then unwrapped it and popped it in my mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom?" I said into the receiver. I decided to call home and ask mom to come pick me up from school since I thought that I would drop dead if I had to walk home.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Can you come pick me up from school?"
"Why?" she asked, sounding a little worried.
[What the hell am I supposed to tell her?] I asked myself in my head. [Should I tell her the truth? Might as well. I'm sure she knows it, anyway.]
"Because," I admitted, "I don't think I have the strength to walk home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stood there outside the school, bundled up in my jacket. My teeth were chattering; God, I thought I was going to freeze to death.
"Lizzie?" someone from behind said.
I turned around to see Chloe Olsan standing there with a semi-worried expression on her face. I liked Chloe. She was new at school. Her father was an alcoholic and he abused Chloe and her mother for many years. Then, one night, he was driving under the influence and crashed his car into a tree. He was killed insantly, and Chloe and her mother decided to move away to escape the painful memories they had there.
"Yeah?" I said, but it came out unevenly due to my shivering.
"You okay?"
"Fine," I lied, "Never been better."
"Are you cold or something?" she prodded.
"Yes, very."
"But it's so nice out today! Look," she pointed up to the bright yellow circle shining it's rays down upon the Earth, "The sun is out."
I shrugged and turned to see mom's car coming up the road.
"That's my mom," I said, "Gotta go. See you tomorrow, Chloe."
"Later," Chloe smiled and walked away.
Mom pulled up to the curb and, slowly, I got in the car.
"Hey sweetie," she said, her eyes full of concern... concern for me.
"Hi," I said dryly.
She began to drive away and during that entire car ride, I could see her throwing an occasional glance my way out of the corner of my eye. I wanted so badly to assure her that I was okay, but that was a lie. I was starting to realize that something was wrong with me... but I was still confused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Want something to eat?" mom asked as we walked into the house.
[Me? Eat? HAHA! You're joking, right?]
"No," I turned down her offer, "I'm so tired. I just want to go to bed."
"Okay," she said unsurely, "You just go up to bed."
She headed into the kitchen. I looked at the stairs in front of me and sighed. [How am I going to make it up them?] I asked myself in my mind. I walked towards them and slowly began walking up them, clutching the banister very, very tightly. It seemed like it would take an eternity for me to reach the top.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent the rest of the night asleep in my bed, practically unconscious. I just wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. It was like I was on a downward spiral. I no longer cared about boys or clothes or dances or anything like that. I didn't care about *anything* anymore. My life has become so small. It was like I was just this lifeless ghost floating around, waiting to be sucked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter four coming soon!
[] mean a character is thinking something.
* means emphasis on a word(s).
Quest for Perfection
| Chapter Three: Downward Spiral |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had already been three weeks since that ugly incident with my parents... you know, when they told me to stop dieting? It was absurd! I wasn't going to stop dieting for *anyone*, not even Ethan Craft. In a way, I was doing this entire losing weight thing for him. I figured that if I was pretty and thin, he'd ask me out. And I was already on my way to being thin! It was the beginning of February, four weeks after I started the diet, and I had lost *twenty* pounds. The thing is, though, some stuff had been happening to me. Lately, I'd been having these frequent dizzy spells and waves of nausea, and I blacked out twice. I had become rather weak; it seemed like *every* task, even little ones like taking out the trash, required more energy than I possessed. It was a struggle for me to even walk up my driveway. I was *always* cold and would wear layers of clothing, but that didn't help because I'd still be cold. I started having trouble sleeping and my clothes were baggy on me
because *none* of them fit me anymore. I quit eating altogether. My daily meals consisted of eight glasses of water and five sticks of Extra sugarfree gum. That was it. I always managed to find excuses to get out of dinner. I would say that I had homework to do, or I had to go help Miranda study. Or I would say that I would rather eat dinner in my room, and when mom would bring my plate in, I'd scrape the food out of the window after she left. I don't think she suspected anything. Also, and I know this may sound crazy, but I started hearing this voice. It was a voice that controlled me. It was telling me lose weight... it was praising me for losing weight. And if I forgot to exercise or ate even the slightest bit more than my alloted calories, it would shout, "McGuire, you're a stupid, ugly, fat pig! Don't be so weak you failure!" Strangely enough, I depended on this voice. It was like it was my only true friend in the world. It kept me safe. It was the only thing in the
world that I could trust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Lizzie," Miranda said as I sat down next to her at the lunch table.
"Hey," I said back, rubbing my temples.
"Headache?" Gordo questioned.
"Yeah," I said with a painful wince.
Gordo shook his head, "It's a hunger headache."
"What?!" I inquired.
"You don't eat, Lizzie, so you get hunger headaches," he explained.
I rolled my eyes, "Shut up, Gordo!"
Instead of being hurt by my harsh words, Gordo continued. "See, a mood swing. That's from not eating, too."
"I agree," Miranda added, taking Gordo's side. "Lizzie, you don't eat. I don't remember the last time you ate."
"Don't you see what's happening to you?" Gordo pressed. "Lizzie, you look bad... *really* bad. You've lost so much weight and now, you're just this skinny little stick. You remind me of a twig that can be snapped in two if the wind blows hard enough."
[Don't listen to them] the voice was telling me. [They're just trying to ruin everything. If you listen to them, you're going to be showing how weak you are you pathetic cow!]
"THAT'S IT!" I shouted, pulling myself up with the little energy I had, "Just leave me alone," my voice was now low and whimpery. Then suddenly, everything began to sway; including me.
"Lizzie!" Miranda exclaimed, jumping up and grabbing my shoulder to steady me.
"I... I'm fine," I said, blinking and shaking my head.
"Listen," Gordo explained, "We're your friends and we're worried about you, that's all. We know you have a problem and we're scared."
"Really scared," Miranda said, looking at me with sympathetic eyes.
"Yeah, well you don't need to be scared because I'm fine," I said, walking away slowly, silently praying that I wouldn't faint right then and there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ok girls," the gym teacher, Ms. Sanford announced, clapping her hands to get our attention, "Today, we'll be playing kickball in the gym. Hurry up and get dressed!"
This was the class that I dreaded most. Not because I hated most of the people in it, or because I hated sports. But because I had become too weak to do any physical activities. I was always terrified that I would pass out during hockey, or volleyball. And another bad thing; my uniform no longer fit me. My shirt was, like, six sizes too big for me and it just hung loosely off my body. And my shorts... oh God, my shorts. I had to put a safety pin in them twice, but that didn't help; they were just too big for me and I was always afraid that they were going to fall down during class. So, I always held the waistband up with my hands. The other girls would point and stare and whisper things to eachother about me. Once, I overheard the evil, supremely snobby Kate sanders telling the other girls in the locker room that I was an "anorexic freak". I didn't do anything about it, though, because I was just too exhausted to care.
"Lizzie," Miranda said, pulling me out of my reverie.
"Yeah?" I replied, shaking my head to get out of my trance.
"Come on, we have to get to the gym."
"Okay," I said, forcing a tiny smile.
[Please don't pass out, please don't pass out!] I begged quietly, hiking up my loose gym shorts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Good game, girls," Ms. Sanford said as we all entered the locker room.
I walked slowly, like an old arthritic woman. I was so extremely tired out; that game of kickball drained all the little bit of energy that I had out of me. I wobbled over to my little corner and stood there for a few moments, trying to catch my breath. The lights in the room looked so bright; they hurt my eyes. Everyone around me was talking, but their voices sounded distant inaudible. Suddenly, the room began to shake and I got very dizzy. Then, all I saw was black...
"Lizzie?" a familar voice beckoned from nearby.
Slowly, I opened my eyes to see Ms. Sanford, Miranda and a few other girls hovering over me with worried looks on their faces. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was lying on the floor... because I *fainted*.
"Out of my way," I said, attempting to get up.
"Here," Miranda said, holding her hand out to help me.
"No," I said, pushing it away, "I can do it myself."
But the truth was, I *couldn't* do it myself, and I was embarrassed having to reach out for Miranda's hand.
"Why don't you go to the nurse?" Ms. Sanford suggested as Miranda helped me off the cold ground.
"No," I replied, "I'm okay."
"I really think you should go to the nurse," Ms. Sanford said. It sounded more like an demand than a request.
"Fine," I said, sighing deeply.
Great, just great! The last thing I needed was the school nurse on my back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, Mrs. Riles," I said, entering the nurse's office.
"Lizzie McGuire," she stood up and walked over to me with a great big smile, "How may I help you today?"
"Well," I replied, "I... I... I passed out in gym and Ms. Sanford told me to come here to see you."
"Mmmhmmm," Mrs. Riles nodded, looking me up and down, which made me feel very uncomfortable. "Lizzie, would you step on the scale?"
I was confused. "What?"
"Step on the scale," she repeated, turning her gaze toward the piece of metal equiptment sitting next to her desk.
I nodded and made my way over to the scale. I was *so* tired and still a little dizzy as I stepped on. I closed my eyes tightly and bit my bottom lip as Mrs. Riles weighed me.
"Ninety two," she said.
I opened my eyes and looked at the numbers on the scale: They read ninety two alright.
"Lizzie," she said, her hands resting on her hips, "Ninety two is entirely too little for someone of your height. You're underweight, dear. And you've lost an immense amount of weight within the last month; my guess is about twenty two or twenty three pounds. It's not healthy at all lose that much weight within a month's time. Either you haven't been eating enough or you haven't been eating at all. Which one is it?"
[DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING!] the voice shouted. [SHE'S ON TO YOU, MCGUIRE! LIE YOU STUPID FREAK. LIE TO HER! DON'T LET HER KNOW ANYTHING!]
"I've just been exercising alot, that's all," I lied.
Mrs. Riles looked at me with her piercing gaze. She shook her head and said, "Listen, you can't lose *anymore* weight. Understand me? In fact, you need to gain a few pounds."
[DON'T LISTEN TO HER!] the voice hollered. [SHE'S JUST WANTS TO MAKE YOU TO BE AN UNHAPPY, FAT WHALE MCGUIRE!]
I nodded. "Okay, can I go now?"
"I guess," she said, shaking her head.
I got off the scale and made my way out of her office. Once I was in the silent hallway, I sauntered over to my locker and kneeled down in front of it. [*Why am I so tired?] I wondered. I just wanted to go home and climb into bed and SLEEP. But I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it home; I had used all the energy I had play kickball in gym. I didn't have the energy to make it home.
"What am I gonna do?" I asked myself, pulling a stick of gum out of my pocket. I then unwrapped it and popped it in my mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom?" I said into the receiver. I decided to call home and ask mom to come pick me up from school since I thought that I would drop dead if I had to walk home.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Can you come pick me up from school?"
"Why?" she asked, sounding a little worried.
[What the hell am I supposed to tell her?] I asked myself in my head. [Should I tell her the truth? Might as well. I'm sure she knows it, anyway.]
"Because," I admitted, "I don't think I have the strength to walk home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stood there outside the school, bundled up in my jacket. My teeth were chattering; God, I thought I was going to freeze to death.
"Lizzie?" someone from behind said.
I turned around to see Chloe Olsan standing there with a semi-worried expression on her face. I liked Chloe. She was new at school. Her father was an alcoholic and he abused Chloe and her mother for many years. Then, one night, he was driving under the influence and crashed his car into a tree. He was killed insantly, and Chloe and her mother decided to move away to escape the painful memories they had there.
"Yeah?" I said, but it came out unevenly due to my shivering.
"You okay?"
"Fine," I lied, "Never been better."
"Are you cold or something?" she prodded.
"Yes, very."
"But it's so nice out today! Look," she pointed up to the bright yellow circle shining it's rays down upon the Earth, "The sun is out."
I shrugged and turned to see mom's car coming up the road.
"That's my mom," I said, "Gotta go. See you tomorrow, Chloe."
"Later," Chloe smiled and walked away.
Mom pulled up to the curb and, slowly, I got in the car.
"Hey sweetie," she said, her eyes full of concern... concern for me.
"Hi," I said dryly.
She began to drive away and during that entire car ride, I could see her throwing an occasional glance my way out of the corner of my eye. I wanted so badly to assure her that I was okay, but that was a lie. I was starting to realize that something was wrong with me... but I was still confused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Want something to eat?" mom asked as we walked into the house.
[Me? Eat? HAHA! You're joking, right?]
"No," I turned down her offer, "I'm so tired. I just want to go to bed."
"Okay," she said unsurely, "You just go up to bed."
She headed into the kitchen. I looked at the stairs in front of me and sighed. [How am I going to make it up them?] I asked myself in my mind. I walked towards them and slowly began walking up them, clutching the banister very, very tightly. It seemed like it would take an eternity for me to reach the top.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent the rest of the night asleep in my bed, practically unconscious. I just wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. It was like I was on a downward spiral. I no longer cared about boys or clothes or dances or anything like that. I didn't care about *anything* anymore. My life has become so small. It was like I was just this lifeless ghost floating around, waiting to be sucked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter four coming soon!