Title: Kaleidoscope

Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)

Category: Drama, Character reflection

POV: Sydney

Summary: Sydney reflects on her conflicted life in which she is constantly forced to change who she is.

Rating: PG

Archive: Sure, just let me know where.

Spoilers: Not really. A few small little general things.

Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.

Note: This is just a short little thing I wrote a while ago and haven't posted until now. I'm going against my usual Syd/Vaughn fic. This isn't about them, although Sydney does think about him and their relationship a couple of times. Also, this is written a little different than most first person POV. You'll see what I mean. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what thought! ~Steph

* * * Kaleidoscope 1/1 * * *

~~

Kaleidoscope- n. 2. anything that constantly changes.

~~

I am a kaleidoscope.

I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.

From one moment to the next, I am changing.

~

With my SD-6 colleagues, I am a smart, loyal 'patriot' for my country.

With Sloane, I am a faithful employee, who harbors a thinly veiled contempt for him.

With Dixon, I am a reliable, trustworthy partner.

With my father, I am a cold, conflicted daughter.

With Vaughn, I am an honest, vulnerable double agent.

With Francie, I am a frenzied, yet somehow fairly dependable friend and roommate.

With Will, I am an open, yet closed-off friend and unwilling object of affection.

With my classmates and professors, I am an intelligent, yet harried graduate student with a banking job that often seems far more important.

With the people I encounter on my missions, I am a smart, sexy, witty, savvy stranger who often rocks their world.

~

I am a kaleidoscope.

I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.

From one moment to the next, I am changing.

~

And I am so damn tired of it all.

I am tired of every pretense.

I am tired of the disguises, visible or not.

I am tired of saying one thing and meaning another.

I am tired of deceiving the people I love most in this world.

I am tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry.

I am tired of crying when all I want to do is smile.

I am tired of meeting new people and knowing they will never know the true me.

I am tired of smiling at Marshall and his newest invention, while wondering if he knows it will be used to harm the very country he vowed to protect.

I am tired of pretending to respect Sloane, when I loathe him so much it hurts.

I am tired of working with Dixon and working against him at every turn.

I am tired of looking into my father's eyes and seeing a stranger; a man with a closet full of secrets that are just waiting to shatter my fragile world every time we meet.

I am tired of meeting with Vaughn in secluded places and pretending we don't know each other...of wanting a man I can never have.

I am tired of leaving Francie so abruptly and having to withhold information that best friends should share.

I am tired of crushing Will's curiosity and protective nature with lies.

I am tired of missing classes I enjoy and begging understanding professors to be even more understanding.

I am tired of misleading every person I come in contact with.

I am tired of the sexy outfits and uncomfortable wigs that change more often than the weather.

I am tired of using my body as a weapon.

I am tired of being so good at it that I could do it in my sleep.

I am tired of never having a moment's peace.

~

I am a kaleidoscope.

I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.

From one moment to the next, I am changing.

~

I yearn to scream the truth at every one of my SD-6 colleagues.

I yearn to rip Sloane to shreds with my bare hands.

I yearn to enlighten Dixon and become his loyal partner once more.

I yearn to eat dinner with my father and have a relaxed, comfortable conversation.

I yearn to sit beside Vaughn at a King's game and take his hand in mine.

I yearn to plan every last detail of Francie's wedding with her and to be able to spend a lazy night watching Tom Cruise movies anytime we want.

I yearn to tell Will the truth and to somehow obliterate the tension between us.

I yearn to never miss a class and to hand a paper in on time.

I yearn to never look someone in the eye again and say a name that is not my own.

I yearn to burn every skin-tight dress, stiletto heels and wig I've ever worn.

I yearn to worship my body.

I yearn to relax, whenever I want and for however long I choose.

But I cannot because...

I am a kaleidoscope.

I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.

From one moment to the next, I am changing.

*****************************THE END********************************

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. ~Steph