A/N: Heeeeeeey! We are baaaad! Very, very, very BAD! Yes. ::nods:: We are. It took us a month to finally get around to writing this. Uh huh. And in about another month or so...(Okay, probably sooner...) we'll write the next installment...also...when we are finished, this will be taped with real actors! Okay, maybe just our "acquaintances" but it's better than nothing!
The Play
a.k.a
The Fellowship of the Mints
One mint to rule them all,
One mint to find them,
One mine to bring them all,
And in the darkness bind them!
Muahahahahahahaaaaaaaa! Tolkien is God!!
THE CAST:
JARLAXLE: Greg T.
DRIZZT: Greg K.
EnTrErI: Tristan
CATTIE-BRIE: India
REGIS: Drew
ALUSTRIEL: Alyse
BRUENOR: Shane
THE TWO EVEIL (or Evile if you are so inclined...) DROW PRIESTESSES BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION: Alyse and India
This production is written by Alyse Kath and India. This production was typed by Tasslehoff Burrfoot. No spell check was used on EVEIL. (Or evile!)
Part One: The Mintz (you think we use spell check?)
Laaalaaa....MINTS!
Part Two: The Quest for the Holy Grail! (Nooooo!!! No Monty Python!! ::insane laughter cackles in the background while singing is heard:: We're the knights of the round table. ::cough:: Kay....bai....)
Correction: The Quest for the Mintz
(EnTrErI is seated, reading the Times. RAI-GUY and KIMMURIEL are seated, playing Don't Break the Ice! JARLAXLE enters. Everyone gags on mint smell.)
JARLAXLE: Anyone seen `The Mummy Returns' lately?
RAI-GUY: (Blinks) You mean the one with Brendan Fraiser?
ENTRERI: There's only one `Mummy Returns', and it stars Brendan Fraiser.
RAI-GUY: Woooow...
JARLAXLE: (looks at his idiotic ex-lieutenant) Some wizard-cleric you turned out to be...
RAI-GUY: (blinks) Baaaaaad Hephaestus...
KIMM: (mimics) Baaaaaad Hephaestus...
ENTRERI: (looks blankly at the two) Baaaaaaaad idiots...
(Suddenly a flash of white light appears and Jarlaxle spits out the mint he had in his mouth)
RAI, KIMM, and EnTrErI: JARLAXLE!!!
JARLAXLE: WHAT?!? It's an obsession!!! (looks to the mint on the floor) It's...glowing!
MINT ON THE FLOOR: I am the magical mint bent on world domination. I must return to my two eveil mistresses!
(Everyone looks at each other)
RAI-GUY: This almost reminds me of a certain Crenshinibon scenario...
JARLAXLE: (picks up the mint. It's not glowing anymore, it's the same white Altoid.) We must find these two eveil (Or Evile!) priestesses bent on world domination!
RAI-GUY: Can we finish our game first? (Carefully knocks out a block of ice, screaming in rage and throwing KIMM across the room when he loses)
EnTrErI: (sighs in boredom, suddenly running out of the room and into the street) FREE PAMPHLETS ON HOW TO KEEP YOUR HONOR IN "TEMPTING" SITUATIONS!!!
DRIZZIT: (runs in, EnTrErI smirks, settling back) I want one! No, no, give me two! Three! Mielikki, give me the whole box!!!
JARLAXLE: (smirks, pushing the panting Drizzt into a chair) Sooo...Drizzit. How's your best friend?
DRIZZIT: (brightens immediately) Spiffy!
JARLAXLE: And who's your best friend?
DRIZZIT: (wails) Guenhwyvar!
JARLAXLE: And what's Guenhwyvar?
DRIZZIT: (wails) A caaaaaat! (Begins to sob)
(The rest of the Companions come in, soothing the forlorn DRIZZIT)
REGIS: (sits on DRIZZT'S lap and comforts him) It's all right hun..
CATTIE-BRIE: Me elf! (Throws Regis into oblivion)
(The rest of them drag the DRIZZIT off)
KIMM: (starts singing) It's raining men! Alleluia!
(Everyone begins dancing, the Companions on the street and all bad boys in the tavern)
JARLAXLE: (Yells over the noise) I always knew he was like that!
EnTrErI: I know!
KIMM: (Stripping on the pole)
EnTrErI: (Eyes almost fall out of their sockets) By the gods! (Faints)
JARLAXLE: (Sighs, chucks a mint at KIMM) Wait! No! My mint! Noooooo!!!!
(Suddenly notices a panther figurine on the floor) Hmmm...mint, or Drizzt's best friend? Tough choice...(Picks up the figurine and looks at KIMM and RAI-GUY who have proceeded to make out on the bar) So it was that kind of relationship, I knew I should've put that scrying stone in Kimm's bedroom.
(Music suddenly stops. RAI-GUY and KIMM cease their "session" and sit back down as if nothing has happened)
EnTrErI: (slowly gets back to his feet, then looks back at the Altoid, which has started to glow again) Hey Jar-Jar...
JARLAXLE: (Leaps into EnTrErI, wrestling him to the floor) Do. Not. Confuse. Me. Withthatearthlingfreakcreature!!!!!
EnTrErI: (gulps) Erm...So. About the glowing mint on the floor...
JARLAXLE: Riiight. (Gasps) My miiiiint! (Dives to the floor, retrieving the long (okay, short..) lost Altoid)
VOICE OF THE MAGICAL MINT: Take me to your leaders...The dominatrix beauty queen goddesses...The deranged...
ALYSE AND INDIA: Hey! We'll turn you into a tic-tac!!
VOICE OF MAGICAL MINT (From now on, he shall be known as `VOMM') : Sorry! Sorry! Don't do that to meeeee!
ALYSE AND INDIA: Mmmkay. Keep delivering the `prophecy'...
VOMM: Right. So. Take me to my leaders...
JARLAXLE: Who are your leaders?
VOMM: My leaders are Alyse and India, the dera...beauteous, magnificent, wooonderful, bitch-I mean perfect specimens of nature!
EnTrErI: (looks over to where Rai-guy has slowly slipped his hand down Kim's breeches) Erm...(turns around quickly, looking very ill)
JARLAXLE: Where can we find these two priestesses?
VOMM: In Mordor-erm, ummm...New York City!
JARLAXLE: (Looks slightly perplexed) New York City?
VOMM: Nooo! WATERDEEP...In Mordor! Where Aragorn and Legolas rule in togetherness and...and...it! In Toril! WATERDEEP IN BLOODY TORIL!!!
KIMM: (Suddenly sighs contentedly)
JARLAXLE and EnTrErI: (Looks to a not so pretty sight)
RAI-GUY: (Looks up and grins sheepishly) We going somewhere?
KIMM: I'll take you to any place you want!
(JARLAXLE and EnTrErI exchange glances)
JARLAXLE: Suuure...
(Suddenly the four are whisked away to Waterdeep, the City of Splendors )
JARLAXLE: (Looks around and grabs RAI-GUY and KIMM, then goes over to Arty (wee!))
DRIZZIT: (Suddenly drops out of sky, landing in front on the still gagging ARTEMIS) I shall slay thee, my nemesis!
ARTEMIS: (Sighs, unsheathing his sword) Bring it, you pansy drow! (Glances back at his companions) No offense, of course...
(Sword fight ensues, JARLAXLE poses thoughtfully behind him)
JARLAXLE: (Pompously) This must be the power of the mint...Or his two beauteous and wooonderful mistresses, who, by the way, are great in the sack!...(Realizes what he just said) No damn it! Boromir's fate shall not be mine! Arg! (Wonders briefly who Boromir is, before walking past the scuffling human and pansy)
Jarlaxle: (Sighs) Entreri, stop indulging this animal lover pansy and come on! We've got a quest to take care of here!
DRIZZIT: (Magically disappears, taunts about the true quality of Artemis's wool stockings can be heard echoing through the market place)
EnTrErI: (Shrugs) Mmmkay...(Screeches girlishly) Jarlaxle! It's getting dark outside! We must find a tavern! And Raiguy and Kimm! Who knows what kinky stuff they've gotten into!
JARLAXLE: (Smiles indulgently, leading Artemis to the tavern, appropriately named "The Appropriatley Named Tavern") Excuse me, have a pair of most likely making out drow passed through this place of sipping, sighing, and sitting?
INNKEEPER: Sure have, rented the first room on the left, upstairs of course. Erm...Would there be a reason the one guy asked for a length of purple silk?
EnTrErI: (Groans) Oh shit...(Sprints up the stairs, followed closely by JARLAXLE. They throw open the first door)
ARILYN: (Screams) Elaaaaaaaaaaith!
JARLAXLE: Holy Lloth! (Slams the door) Heh. Wrong room...(Opens the second door)
ARAGORN: (Runs a hand through Legolas's long, lovely, pretty, soft, pretty, blonde hair) My love...
LEGOLAS: (Puts a slender finger to his lips) Shhh...Estel, don't speak...Let me take you on a ride... (Smiles, leaning in to meet ARAGORN'S lips)
ARTEMIS: (screeches, slams door) VITH!
JARLAXLE: What was that?!
EnTrErI: You don't want to...know.
(They proceed to open the third door)
RAI-GUY: (Bound in purple on the bed, spread eagle, KIMM in the most un-pretty position) Hi!
JARLAXLE: (sighs and shuts the door)
***** Fifteen Minutes Later *****
Artemis: (knocks on the door, dispite the strange noises being emitted from the room) You two done yet?
JARLAXLE: Move aside. (Kicks the door open, drags Kim and Rai-guy (still attached) into the hallway. The assassin and mercenary then walk in, throw the silk and clothes (that remain) out into the hallway. Arty slams the door on the two.)
JARLAXLE: I get the bed.
EnTrErI: You can have it.
(Around midnight, the pair are still awake, unable to sleep. From the left, we have Legolas and Aragorn. From our right, we have Rai-guy and Kimmuriel. Double the headboards clanging, double the screams, and double the mummurings
of released floodgates...Yeah. We mean that in the way you think we do.)
***** THE NEXT MORNING *****
(Rai-guy and Kim knock on Jarl and Arty's door, bright and early in the morning)
RAI-GUYfor breakfast!
EnTrErI: We just got to sleep!!!
KIMM: Oh...were you doing something we should know about?
JARLAXLE: YOU WERE SCREWING EACH OTHER ALL NIGHT! BASTARDS! BY THE TIME YOU STOPPED, THE NEIGHTBORS ON OUR LEFT HAD STARTED! DAMN THE TORPEDOS!
END OF ACT I
A/N:The spelling of EnTrErI belongs to the Great Anya. We praise thee oh Great One! If you reeeaally want ACT II we suggest you review! EVEILNESS!!! (Or EVILENESS!!!)
The Play
a.k.a
The Fellowship of the Mints
One mint to rule them all,
One mint to find them,
One mine to bring them all,
And in the darkness bind them!
Muahahahahahahaaaaaaaa! Tolkien is God!!
THE CAST:
JARLAXLE: Greg T.
DRIZZT: Greg K.
EnTrErI: Tristan
CATTIE-BRIE: India
REGIS: Drew
ALUSTRIEL: Alyse
BRUENOR: Shane
THE TWO EVEIL (or Evile if you are so inclined...) DROW PRIESTESSES BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION: Alyse and India
This production is written by Alyse Kath and India. This production was typed by Tasslehoff Burrfoot. No spell check was used on EVEIL. (Or evile!)
Part One: The Mintz (you think we use spell check?)
Laaalaaa....MINTS!
Part Two: The Quest for the Holy Grail! (Nooooo!!! No Monty Python!! ::insane laughter cackles in the background while singing is heard:: We're the knights of the round table. ::cough:: Kay....bai....)
Correction: The Quest for the Mintz
(EnTrErI is seated, reading the Times. RAI-GUY and KIMMURIEL are seated, playing Don't Break the Ice! JARLAXLE enters. Everyone gags on mint smell.)
JARLAXLE: Anyone seen `The Mummy Returns' lately?
RAI-GUY: (Blinks) You mean the one with Brendan Fraiser?
ENTRERI: There's only one `Mummy Returns', and it stars Brendan Fraiser.
RAI-GUY: Woooow...
JARLAXLE: (looks at his idiotic ex-lieutenant) Some wizard-cleric you turned out to be...
RAI-GUY: (blinks) Baaaaaad Hephaestus...
KIMM: (mimics) Baaaaaad Hephaestus...
ENTRERI: (looks blankly at the two) Baaaaaaaad idiots...
(Suddenly a flash of white light appears and Jarlaxle spits out the mint he had in his mouth)
RAI, KIMM, and EnTrErI: JARLAXLE!!!
JARLAXLE: WHAT?!? It's an obsession!!! (looks to the mint on the floor) It's...glowing!
MINT ON THE FLOOR: I am the magical mint bent on world domination. I must return to my two eveil mistresses!
(Everyone looks at each other)
RAI-GUY: This almost reminds me of a certain Crenshinibon scenario...
JARLAXLE: (picks up the mint. It's not glowing anymore, it's the same white Altoid.) We must find these two eveil (Or Evile!) priestesses bent on world domination!
RAI-GUY: Can we finish our game first? (Carefully knocks out a block of ice, screaming in rage and throwing KIMM across the room when he loses)
EnTrErI: (sighs in boredom, suddenly running out of the room and into the street) FREE PAMPHLETS ON HOW TO KEEP YOUR HONOR IN "TEMPTING" SITUATIONS!!!
DRIZZIT: (runs in, EnTrErI smirks, settling back) I want one! No, no, give me two! Three! Mielikki, give me the whole box!!!
JARLAXLE: (smirks, pushing the panting Drizzt into a chair) Sooo...Drizzit. How's your best friend?
DRIZZIT: (brightens immediately) Spiffy!
JARLAXLE: And who's your best friend?
DRIZZIT: (wails) Guenhwyvar!
JARLAXLE: And what's Guenhwyvar?
DRIZZIT: (wails) A caaaaaat! (Begins to sob)
(The rest of the Companions come in, soothing the forlorn DRIZZIT)
REGIS: (sits on DRIZZT'S lap and comforts him) It's all right hun..
CATTIE-BRIE: Me elf! (Throws Regis into oblivion)
(The rest of them drag the DRIZZIT off)
KIMM: (starts singing) It's raining men! Alleluia!
(Everyone begins dancing, the Companions on the street and all bad boys in the tavern)
JARLAXLE: (Yells over the noise) I always knew he was like that!
EnTrErI: I know!
KIMM: (Stripping on the pole)
EnTrErI: (Eyes almost fall out of their sockets) By the gods! (Faints)
JARLAXLE: (Sighs, chucks a mint at KIMM) Wait! No! My mint! Noooooo!!!!
(Suddenly notices a panther figurine on the floor) Hmmm...mint, or Drizzt's best friend? Tough choice...(Picks up the figurine and looks at KIMM and RAI-GUY who have proceeded to make out on the bar) So it was that kind of relationship, I knew I should've put that scrying stone in Kimm's bedroom.
(Music suddenly stops. RAI-GUY and KIMM cease their "session" and sit back down as if nothing has happened)
EnTrErI: (slowly gets back to his feet, then looks back at the Altoid, which has started to glow again) Hey Jar-Jar...
JARLAXLE: (Leaps into EnTrErI, wrestling him to the floor) Do. Not. Confuse. Me. Withthatearthlingfreakcreature!!!!!
EnTrErI: (gulps) Erm...So. About the glowing mint on the floor...
JARLAXLE: Riiight. (Gasps) My miiiiint! (Dives to the floor, retrieving the long (okay, short..) lost Altoid)
VOICE OF THE MAGICAL MINT: Take me to your leaders...The dominatrix beauty queen goddesses...The deranged...
ALYSE AND INDIA: Hey! We'll turn you into a tic-tac!!
VOICE OF MAGICAL MINT (From now on, he shall be known as `VOMM') : Sorry! Sorry! Don't do that to meeeee!
ALYSE AND INDIA: Mmmkay. Keep delivering the `prophecy'...
VOMM: Right. So. Take me to my leaders...
JARLAXLE: Who are your leaders?
VOMM: My leaders are Alyse and India, the dera...beauteous, magnificent, wooonderful, bitch-I mean perfect specimens of nature!
EnTrErI: (looks over to where Rai-guy has slowly slipped his hand down Kim's breeches) Erm...(turns around quickly, looking very ill)
JARLAXLE: Where can we find these two priestesses?
VOMM: In Mordor-erm, ummm...New York City!
JARLAXLE: (Looks slightly perplexed) New York City?
VOMM: Nooo! WATERDEEP...In Mordor! Where Aragorn and Legolas rule in togetherness and...and...it! In Toril! WATERDEEP IN BLOODY TORIL!!!
KIMM: (Suddenly sighs contentedly)
JARLAXLE and EnTrErI: (Looks to a not so pretty sight)
RAI-GUY: (Looks up and grins sheepishly) We going somewhere?
KIMM: I'll take you to any place you want!
(JARLAXLE and EnTrErI exchange glances)
JARLAXLE: Suuure...
(Suddenly the four are whisked away to Waterdeep, the City of Splendors )
JARLAXLE: (Looks around and grabs RAI-GUY and KIMM, then goes over to Arty (wee!))
DRIZZIT: (Suddenly drops out of sky, landing in front on the still gagging ARTEMIS) I shall slay thee, my nemesis!
ARTEMIS: (Sighs, unsheathing his sword) Bring it, you pansy drow! (Glances back at his companions) No offense, of course...
(Sword fight ensues, JARLAXLE poses thoughtfully behind him)
JARLAXLE: (Pompously) This must be the power of the mint...Or his two beauteous and wooonderful mistresses, who, by the way, are great in the sack!...(Realizes what he just said) No damn it! Boromir's fate shall not be mine! Arg! (Wonders briefly who Boromir is, before walking past the scuffling human and pansy)
Jarlaxle: (Sighs) Entreri, stop indulging this animal lover pansy and come on! We've got a quest to take care of here!
DRIZZIT: (Magically disappears, taunts about the true quality of Artemis's wool stockings can be heard echoing through the market place)
EnTrErI: (Shrugs) Mmmkay...(Screeches girlishly) Jarlaxle! It's getting dark outside! We must find a tavern! And Raiguy and Kimm! Who knows what kinky stuff they've gotten into!
JARLAXLE: (Smiles indulgently, leading Artemis to the tavern, appropriately named "The Appropriatley Named Tavern") Excuse me, have a pair of most likely making out drow passed through this place of sipping, sighing, and sitting?
INNKEEPER: Sure have, rented the first room on the left, upstairs of course. Erm...Would there be a reason the one guy asked for a length of purple silk?
EnTrErI: (Groans) Oh shit...(Sprints up the stairs, followed closely by JARLAXLE. They throw open the first door)
ARILYN: (Screams) Elaaaaaaaaaaith!
JARLAXLE: Holy Lloth! (Slams the door) Heh. Wrong room...(Opens the second door)
ARAGORN: (Runs a hand through Legolas's long, lovely, pretty, soft, pretty, blonde hair) My love...
LEGOLAS: (Puts a slender finger to his lips) Shhh...Estel, don't speak...Let me take you on a ride... (Smiles, leaning in to meet ARAGORN'S lips)
ARTEMIS: (screeches, slams door) VITH!
JARLAXLE: What was that?!
EnTrErI: You don't want to...know.
(They proceed to open the third door)
RAI-GUY: (Bound in purple on the bed, spread eagle, KIMM in the most un-pretty position) Hi!
JARLAXLE: (sighs and shuts the door)
***** Fifteen Minutes Later *****
Artemis: (knocks on the door, dispite the strange noises being emitted from the room) You two done yet?
JARLAXLE: Move aside. (Kicks the door open, drags Kim and Rai-guy (still attached) into the hallway. The assassin and mercenary then walk in, throw the silk and clothes (that remain) out into the hallway. Arty slams the door on the two.)
JARLAXLE: I get the bed.
EnTrErI: You can have it.
(Around midnight, the pair are still awake, unable to sleep. From the left, we have Legolas and Aragorn. From our right, we have Rai-guy and Kimmuriel. Double the headboards clanging, double the screams, and double the mummurings
of released floodgates...Yeah. We mean that in the way you think we do.)
***** THE NEXT MORNING *****
(Rai-guy and Kim knock on Jarl and Arty's door, bright and early in the morning)
RAI-GUYfor breakfast!
EnTrErI: We just got to sleep!!!
KIMM: Oh...were you doing something we should know about?
JARLAXLE: YOU WERE SCREWING EACH OTHER ALL NIGHT! BASTARDS! BY THE TIME YOU STOPPED, THE NEIGHTBORS ON OUR LEFT HAD STARTED! DAMN THE TORPEDOS!
END OF ACT I
A/N:The spelling of EnTrErI belongs to the Great Anya. We praise thee oh Great One! If you reeeaally want ACT II we suggest you review! EVEILNESS!!! (Or EVILENESS!!!)