Meeting the Elves

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing about LOTR. I also do not own Captain Obvious [That was Colin on Whose Line is it Anyway.] Nor do I own Jamie Oliver [though I wish I did]

Pippin had been one to complain [much to Frodo and Sam's loath] about walking.

"I'm tired, and hungry and my feet hurt and…"

"Oh stick a sock in it, Pippin." Frodo muttered,

"A sock? But, Frodo we don't wear socks." Pippin said looking at his feet, as Frodo put a frustrated hand to his head,

"Nevermind." Frodo tried to block out Pippin's complaining. So he turned to Sam,

"When are we going to see the elves?" Sam asked jumping up and down,

"Elves? I thought we were just going to have dinner at Merry's place?" Pippin asked confused, as Frodo clapped a hand over Sam's mouth.

"We are…Sam meant to say…" Frodo struggled to think up something that rhymed with 'elves' but could find nothing "Uh…belves…"

"Belves? What in all of Hobbiton is a belve?"

"Actually, the singular or 'belves' would be a 'belf'. And it's uh…uh…" Frodo looked about for inspiration "tree." Pippin looked amazed,

"Oh!" Frodo looked relieved, and glared at Sam. Because as we know, Sam was the only other one who knew that Frodo was going to Rivendell. Pippin thought that they were just having a slumber party at Merry's. Of course, it seemed very likely to Pippin that Sam would want to see a 'belf' being a gardener and all. Also, Pippin wasn't really the sharpest knife in the draw so he didn't think about anything too much.

"Mr. Frodo, if you are too tired, I could carry some of your bags?" Sam said, though he already had 5 bags [mostly Pippin's] on his back, looking something like a small hobbit-ish beast of burden.

"Oh no you don't Sam!" Pippin said. "Frodo's fat and he needs to loss weight, so he has to carry his own bags. But as for me…" Pippin handed Sam another pack, "I'm young and don't need to get more fit than I already am, so you can have more of mine."

"Does it seem like if you are the youngest, then you should be carrying the most bags?" Frodo asked annoyed.

"No." Pippin didn't give a reason behind this and just left it as it was.

Later that day, or the beginning of the next because they were all about the same, Frodo thought they should sing some and did, because Hobbits like to sing a whole lot and have a song about everything from bathing to walking and everything else that wouldn't seem like it would need a song had a song in the Shire. So Frodo picked a song about an adventure, which was strange because Hobbits didn't go on adventures, but Frodo did, and Bilbo did so then it wasn't strange.

The Hobbits didn't notice though, that they suddenly walked into a darker scarier version of where they just had been, and that scary music [think Jaws, that does nicely] began to play. This thought it not stop Frodo from singing, because, frankly, nothing could.

So they were all singing so loudly that the band of Black Riders heard them and was lead right to them. Thankfully, Frodo heard them and shoved Sam and Pippin into a bush and cowered on the ground. The Black Rider started to sniff around like a dog and Frodo was afraid that he was going to smell him [for they had not take a bath in a long while and their stench could be smelled a mile away] and then the whispering of the Ring around his neck started going,

"Frodo, wear me…wear me…" And Frodo almost did, but Pippin sneezed and it scared away the Ring's creepy voice and the Black Rider [who wasn't partial to being scared by sudden noises] who then left.

"Dear God [though there doesn't appear to be a religion in the Shire, this is what Pippin said…oddly enough.] What was that?" Pippin asked Frodo.

"Uh, a really freaky rider on a black horse."

"Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I meant, why was he chasing us?"

"I don't know…" Frodo said looking very much like he did know. "cough…" as he coughed uncomfortably. Pippin glared a little, but soon forgot about it because right after this happened, Sam's squeals could then be heard.

"Elves! Elves!"

"What? Belves?" Asked Pippin as they raced over to see a band of Elves having a dainty little picnic in the happier part of the scenery. It appeared as though, all the food was being cooked by a tall, blonde man…

"What 'ave we 'ear? This is a beauty…just thirfy minutes in 'e ol' oven and me 'unk of meat 'ull be dune!" No one could 'ardly…sorry, hardly understand this rather beautiful cook.

"Hullo!" Called Frodo to the Elves. One of the elves walked over to the Hobbits.

"Greetings, weary travelers. I am Gildor, you must be Frodo."

"How did you know?." Frodo asked, for he was the only one who could still articulate himself. Sam had passed out from joy and Pippin was drooling over whatever the cook was making.

"I've seen you with Bilbo. We knew Bilbo before, he's our friend."

"Have you been stalking me?" Frodo asked

"No…ok, yes." Gildor admitted, "But only to watch out for you safety. Who are your little friends?"

"That's Pippin." Frodo said pointing to Pippin. "And this is Sam." Frodo motioned to Sam, still passed out on his right.

"Well, he's a sleepy little fellow, isn't he?"

"Actually, I think he's unconscious."

"Whatever. So what do you want?"

"Our car broke down awhile back and we were wondering if we could stay with you tonight?" All of the elves moaned.

"Oh Gildor! Don't let them, hobbits are boring!" Gildor ignored his kinfolk's bellyaching and said,

"Of course!" Pippin, being the bright one that he was suddenly blurted out,

"What do you know about those Black Riders? They were sniffing something and I don't think it was the flowers."

"I can't tell you." Gildor said,

"Oh, why not?"

"Because you're too stupid to understand it." Pippin accepted this and went on to see what the cook was making.

"Hullo, what are you making?" Pippin asked the chief, who I hope you have discovered was Jamie Oliver a.k.a. the Naked Chief.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, me lil' friend." Jamie then randomly took off his shirt. Why? Because he's hot and the Author wanted him to. And everyone abides by what the Author wants. "I'm makin' a beautiful roast wif' a lil' olive oil and garlic."

"Oh, sounds good." Jamie then grabbed his king-sized bottle of olive oil and poured it into a dish, threw a slab of meat into it and some garlic. Sam had now come around, and was with Pippin, and Jamie.

"Is that garlic fresh?" Sam asked,

"Yes it is, I only use me own veggies from me own garden."

"You have your own garden?" Sam asked in a gasp.

"Of course, mate."

"Me too!" Sam said excitedly.

"Well that's wonderful, sweet'eart." Jamie said and Sam blushed, because he thought that is Frodo wasn't around, he would have fallen in love with Jamie.

"I only use fresh veggies."

"Me too!"

"I thunk we 'ave a lot in common, mate." Sam smiled and looked as though he would pass out again, but then hugged Jamie's leg.

"Oh, 'e's an affectionate one, ain't 'e?" Jamie said to Pippin who didn't get a chance to responded because the Author came back into the story and pulled Sam off of Jamie's leg,

"Hand's off buddy, Jamie's mine." Sam looked sad at the Author who then sighed and suddenly yelled,

"Oh My God! Someone is attacking Frodo!" Sam screamed and ran after Frodo, who was really just having some lemonade with Gildor. The Author smiled and then left again.

"He's a little too affectionate if you ask me." Pippin said as he watched as Sam jumped Gildor thinking that he was attacking Frodo.

"No one can be too affectionate. All this world needs is love, mate."

"Well, you obviously haven't meet Sam before." Sam was now clinging to Frodo's arm, making him incapacitated. Jamie then began to make another dish, and was talking too quickly and with such a strong, Liverpool accent that Pippin couldn't understand him. So he left and went to go sit with Frodo and Sam, while they listened to the elves talk late into the night.

To be Continued…