These are two epic poems (fancy word for short story) and are also part 1 of a trilogy but don't worry there is no "to be continued" here. Ladies and gentlemen presenting THE IDIOT and THE ODD-ESY
The Idiot
The Idiot Foreword
This is a story all about how my life got flipped turned, upside down I'd like to take a minuet so just sit right down and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Mineral Town.
The Idiot
It's been ten years since I set foot on this farm. Damn, what tropical depression rocked this place. Wait, hold on, that last margarita might be messin' with my head a little bit here. The next morning "Holy Sass-e-fras" this place is for real. It's like my momma always said "life is like a 3.6 liter per flush toilet, you never know what you're going to get. Shut up, my mom was to st-st-stupid to understand that 3.6 liters per flush means you get 3.6 liters per flush every single time you flush. I started to get mid-evil with my hammer and my axe while my young puppy, Butt-ox, went #1 on the weeds (I always knew he would be good for something).
"You lie like a rug."
"Shut up inner thoughts."
"Make me."
"Fine."
I picked up my hammer and hit myself as hard as I could right on the dome. I woke up to some meat-head doctor and his secretary who looks like an over grown 12-year-old. Then it hit me the doctor would look good with Manna. Just picture it the guy who don't smile with the lady who don't shut up. Any who, the next day I did a little woman hunting. First, I met a chick with a flower-humpin' hippie for a father. And by the smell of the library, somebody was doing some serious reefer up in that pad. Next I went to the supermarket and CRIPE! What a woman. Her name was Karen and she told me that she modeled for Victoria's Secrets in her spare time ( my kind of woman).Anyway after I bought seeds Jeff called me over. "I want you to eliminate Rick." he said.
"Why" I asked
"He stole my hair grease"
"Well you use enough of it"
"Just shut up and do what I ask"
I already knew of Elli so I decided to check out the inn. I found a decent looking young lady. Her dad called me over and I said she seems cheerful and he got all pissed at me. Next I went to the chicken farm. No, you're kidding me, aw man her hair IS pink. The girl scared me so I left. I found her up at the hot spring crying about a chicken Rick yelled at her for loosing. When she told me I lost it, I was laughing so hard I piddled in my panties. BOOM! BOOM! ahhhhhh, she is beating me with a bamboo shoot. She beat me to the ground. "Wow! nice aquamarine under briefs." I yelled. No she never, she is pullin a gun out of her dress. Just then Karen came out of nowhere and laid her out with a "Walker Texas Ranger" roundhouse kick. We ran to our house and Karen started to care for my wounds. We started loosing clothing layer by layer. Out of her bra Karen pulled a silencer( now I can cap people without being heard). just then Rick came in. "Karen" he yelled. TINK! TINK! TINK! three direct hits. After I made a burnt offering out of Rick, I saw a homo-monkey flying around in a plane saying in a high, squeaky voice "It's Diddy OHOH AHAH!" So I shot him. Then I went back to Karen to finish our "business." They next morning WE woke up.
"Hootie and the poofish"
"What's wrong Karen."
"My dad's going to kill me."
" that's okay just pass out on a bench in the square say you were drunk and nobody will ask."
(Karen's point of view)
I hope he is right. Oww, what the hell, my thong is on backwards. That smarts, well, not really, it hurts unreasonably bad. Here is a bench, it is time to act drunk.
(Back to good old Jack-a-roo's p.o.v.)
I'm sure glad I asked those poo elves to take care of my chores for me. I talked to the orange one and he said something about having fun while I was paying him to work so I shot him. I couldn't let him go to waste and I didn't have a kitchen so I spa-boiled him, added a little bar-b-q sauce, and yummy num-nums (women like when men talk like babies). But I was still hungry so I saw I little green dino come out of the mine singing an annoying song and grunting like he was constipated or something so I shot him and ate him for desert. Then I just realized that I had made dinner of Yoshi. Oh' well he gets my goat and if he grunted one more time I was going to go to the nearest drugstore and buy him a lifetime supply of X-lax.
Idiot PART 2
On the fourteenth of winter me and Karen were wed. We became Mr. and Mrs. (long, even unreasonably long pause with scattered gaseous episodes, in layman's terms off and on farting) Jack Me-Off. Naw, just playing, I don't have a last name so I was Jack and she was Karen and the rather fatted calf in the barn is my drinking buddy, Saddam Hussein, but I just called him the "Iraqi Irabu ." I think she goes around the barn saying mmmoooooo and if I'm not mistakin' that means "Darned American's. I bomb your place, I killa you, killa you dead." I hadn't shot anybody fore a whole 3 months. I was watching Oprah and then something hit me. What's up with Oprah she's fat, she's thin, fat, thin, fat, thin, when will she decide to be a book reading fat-ass or a skinny lady who helps Jamima find his half brother's second uncle who was lost in a plane crash over Mianus,... the town in Connecticut I mean. Fall 13 of my second year in the village Karen gave birth to my son the name bestowed on him was Chauncy. But then the worst thing happened: the date 30, the season winter, the third year, I just learned that the village accepted me and to celebrate I was going to plant a flower garden like a soft-core patsy. I went to Won to get the hook up and he said he did magic and that the seeds were in my toolbox. The dialogue went like this:
"Let me see the seeds, man"
"They're in your toolbox"
"Give them to me"
"You have them"
"Let me see them"
"Against my policy"
TINK! TINK! two bullets to the head now Won is head. But what will happen now that I am accepted.
The Odd-esy
The Odd-esy foreword
It was the best of times
It was the worst of times
It was the age of wisdom
It was the age of foolishness
It was the epoch of belief
It was the epoch of incredulity
It was the season of God
It was the season of Satan
It was the spring of hope
It was the winter of despair
We had everything before us
We had nothing before us
In short, the good believed they were evil
and the evil believed they were good
Odd-esy
For every friend there was an enemy. For every enemy, an ally. One was either wretched or glorified. The three-year battle had ended but the war has just begun. Aside from all the fancy talk, while having a bout with the runs an ingenious idea hit me. I am going to have Siabra whip me up a fancy sausage maker. First I tried to put a live chicken in the machine ( yes I know sausage is cow brains mixed with twice fried emu balls). And unless you are a sadistic freak I would not put a live chicken in a sausage maker. Just then I got a bright idea. I was doing to make a batch of "Kano sausage." I sent a carrier pigeon to Kano with a note that said "Come to the Phat Farm (the name of my farm) for a swinging bachelor party, Love Jack." To this day I have no clue to why I wrote "love Jack." When he got there we played a little game. For him it went one tequila.........................................two tequila...............................three tequila............................floor. Now it was time to see what happens. If you would have heard his bones grinding it would have brought a song to your heart. Just then my dad came to visit my farm. I just got an idea." Daddy would you like some sausage."
"Why yes son. Here's 4g for you troubles"
"Thank you for taking all of it off my hands, pops."
"Whenever."
What an old fart. He's gonna have indigestion for a good rest of his life. The next day Karen returned from her vacation in Ohio. you know what they say "Ohio, Ohio, the heart of America TWANG TWANG TWANG-TWANG-TWANG." All of a sudden...( drum roll which isn't good for anything except to take up space) Oprah appeared. Not really, I just wanted to get you all exited and think that Oprah was going to be turned into rather large links of sausage( she was in a fat stage). I turned into the best sausage chef in Mineral Town but that is probably cause I'm the only one. Any way, that night Karen made kabob's and we stabbed Balushi (the guy from animal house) dolls with them pointy things the kabob's were onto take out our frustration of having the chance to go to Yale but taking over a farm instead. But now, tree years after I was excepted, life is pretty normal. I don't scratch Mr. Willis unless he's itchy or get Old Testament on a man's rectum unless he makes me very, very angry. I'm married with children and life is good. I got a bad case of the crabs that needs taken care of. You are the weakest link, goodbye
still to come.....
You only die twice- Yeah you heard the Idiot but you didn't hear all the saucy details. Won's ghost comes back to tell his side of the story
Mystrile is forever- What happened after the Odd-esy. Find out here
send good comments to Brd115@cs.co
and bad ones to Boodogg24553@hotmail.com
copyright 2001 BooBoo comedy and literature inc.
special thanks to guest appearances by Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Oprah, and Balushi.
The Idiot
The Idiot Foreword
This is a story all about how my life got flipped turned, upside down I'd like to take a minuet so just sit right down and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Mineral Town.
The Idiot
It's been ten years since I set foot on this farm. Damn, what tropical depression rocked this place. Wait, hold on, that last margarita might be messin' with my head a little bit here. The next morning "Holy Sass-e-fras" this place is for real. It's like my momma always said "life is like a 3.6 liter per flush toilet, you never know what you're going to get. Shut up, my mom was to st-st-stupid to understand that 3.6 liters per flush means you get 3.6 liters per flush every single time you flush. I started to get mid-evil with my hammer and my axe while my young puppy, Butt-ox, went #1 on the weeds (I always knew he would be good for something).
"You lie like a rug."
"Shut up inner thoughts."
"Make me."
"Fine."
I picked up my hammer and hit myself as hard as I could right on the dome. I woke up to some meat-head doctor and his secretary who looks like an over grown 12-year-old. Then it hit me the doctor would look good with Manna. Just picture it the guy who don't smile with the lady who don't shut up. Any who, the next day I did a little woman hunting. First, I met a chick with a flower-humpin' hippie for a father. And by the smell of the library, somebody was doing some serious reefer up in that pad. Next I went to the supermarket and CRIPE! What a woman. Her name was Karen and she told me that she modeled for Victoria's Secrets in her spare time ( my kind of woman).Anyway after I bought seeds Jeff called me over. "I want you to eliminate Rick." he said.
"Why" I asked
"He stole my hair grease"
"Well you use enough of it"
"Just shut up and do what I ask"
I already knew of Elli so I decided to check out the inn. I found a decent looking young lady. Her dad called me over and I said she seems cheerful and he got all pissed at me. Next I went to the chicken farm. No, you're kidding me, aw man her hair IS pink. The girl scared me so I left. I found her up at the hot spring crying about a chicken Rick yelled at her for loosing. When she told me I lost it, I was laughing so hard I piddled in my panties. BOOM! BOOM! ahhhhhh, she is beating me with a bamboo shoot. She beat me to the ground. "Wow! nice aquamarine under briefs." I yelled. No she never, she is pullin a gun out of her dress. Just then Karen came out of nowhere and laid her out with a "Walker Texas Ranger" roundhouse kick. We ran to our house and Karen started to care for my wounds. We started loosing clothing layer by layer. Out of her bra Karen pulled a silencer( now I can cap people without being heard). just then Rick came in. "Karen" he yelled. TINK! TINK! TINK! three direct hits. After I made a burnt offering out of Rick, I saw a homo-monkey flying around in a plane saying in a high, squeaky voice "It's Diddy OHOH AHAH!" So I shot him. Then I went back to Karen to finish our "business." They next morning WE woke up.
"Hootie and the poofish"
"What's wrong Karen."
"My dad's going to kill me."
" that's okay just pass out on a bench in the square say you were drunk and nobody will ask."
(Karen's point of view)
I hope he is right. Oww, what the hell, my thong is on backwards. That smarts, well, not really, it hurts unreasonably bad. Here is a bench, it is time to act drunk.
(Back to good old Jack-a-roo's p.o.v.)
I'm sure glad I asked those poo elves to take care of my chores for me. I talked to the orange one and he said something about having fun while I was paying him to work so I shot him. I couldn't let him go to waste and I didn't have a kitchen so I spa-boiled him, added a little bar-b-q sauce, and yummy num-nums (women like when men talk like babies). But I was still hungry so I saw I little green dino come out of the mine singing an annoying song and grunting like he was constipated or something so I shot him and ate him for desert. Then I just realized that I had made dinner of Yoshi. Oh' well he gets my goat and if he grunted one more time I was going to go to the nearest drugstore and buy him a lifetime supply of X-lax.
Idiot PART 2
On the fourteenth of winter me and Karen were wed. We became Mr. and Mrs. (long, even unreasonably long pause with scattered gaseous episodes, in layman's terms off and on farting) Jack Me-Off. Naw, just playing, I don't have a last name so I was Jack and she was Karen and the rather fatted calf in the barn is my drinking buddy, Saddam Hussein, but I just called him the "Iraqi Irabu ." I think she goes around the barn saying mmmoooooo and if I'm not mistakin' that means "Darned American's. I bomb your place, I killa you, killa you dead." I hadn't shot anybody fore a whole 3 months. I was watching Oprah and then something hit me. What's up with Oprah she's fat, she's thin, fat, thin, fat, thin, when will she decide to be a book reading fat-ass or a skinny lady who helps Jamima find his half brother's second uncle who was lost in a plane crash over Mianus,... the town in Connecticut I mean. Fall 13 of my second year in the village Karen gave birth to my son the name bestowed on him was Chauncy. But then the worst thing happened: the date 30, the season winter, the third year, I just learned that the village accepted me and to celebrate I was going to plant a flower garden like a soft-core patsy. I went to Won to get the hook up and he said he did magic and that the seeds were in my toolbox. The dialogue went like this:
"Let me see the seeds, man"
"They're in your toolbox"
"Give them to me"
"You have them"
"Let me see them"
"Against my policy"
TINK! TINK! two bullets to the head now Won is head. But what will happen now that I am accepted.
The Odd-esy
The Odd-esy foreword
It was the best of times
It was the worst of times
It was the age of wisdom
It was the age of foolishness
It was the epoch of belief
It was the epoch of incredulity
It was the season of God
It was the season of Satan
It was the spring of hope
It was the winter of despair
We had everything before us
We had nothing before us
In short, the good believed they were evil
and the evil believed they were good
Odd-esy
For every friend there was an enemy. For every enemy, an ally. One was either wretched or glorified. The three-year battle had ended but the war has just begun. Aside from all the fancy talk, while having a bout with the runs an ingenious idea hit me. I am going to have Siabra whip me up a fancy sausage maker. First I tried to put a live chicken in the machine ( yes I know sausage is cow brains mixed with twice fried emu balls). And unless you are a sadistic freak I would not put a live chicken in a sausage maker. Just then I got a bright idea. I was doing to make a batch of "Kano sausage." I sent a carrier pigeon to Kano with a note that said "Come to the Phat Farm (the name of my farm) for a swinging bachelor party, Love Jack." To this day I have no clue to why I wrote "love Jack." When he got there we played a little game. For him it went one tequila.........................................two tequila...............................three tequila............................floor. Now it was time to see what happens. If you would have heard his bones grinding it would have brought a song to your heart. Just then my dad came to visit my farm. I just got an idea." Daddy would you like some sausage."
"Why yes son. Here's 4g for you troubles"
"Thank you for taking all of it off my hands, pops."
"Whenever."
What an old fart. He's gonna have indigestion for a good rest of his life. The next day Karen returned from her vacation in Ohio. you know what they say "Ohio, Ohio, the heart of America TWANG TWANG TWANG-TWANG-TWANG." All of a sudden...( drum roll which isn't good for anything except to take up space) Oprah appeared. Not really, I just wanted to get you all exited and think that Oprah was going to be turned into rather large links of sausage( she was in a fat stage). I turned into the best sausage chef in Mineral Town but that is probably cause I'm the only one. Any way, that night Karen made kabob's and we stabbed Balushi (the guy from animal house) dolls with them pointy things the kabob's were onto take out our frustration of having the chance to go to Yale but taking over a farm instead. But now, tree years after I was excepted, life is pretty normal. I don't scratch Mr. Willis unless he's itchy or get Old Testament on a man's rectum unless he makes me very, very angry. I'm married with children and life is good. I got a bad case of the crabs that needs taken care of. You are the weakest link, goodbye
still to come.....
You only die twice- Yeah you heard the Idiot but you didn't hear all the saucy details. Won's ghost comes back to tell his side of the story
Mystrile is forever- What happened after the Odd-esy. Find out here
send good comments to Brd115@cs.co
and bad ones to Boodogg24553@hotmail.com
copyright 2001 BooBoo comedy and literature inc.
special thanks to guest appearances by Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Oprah, and Balushi.