Once again, I owe the title of my story to bizarre translation software. I owe the inspirations for the gags in this story to coffee, my friends, too much exposure of the internet, and my own sick, twisted imagination. I owe one of my friends around 68,000 yen or so.
And I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone who gets offended because they took something that I wrote in this story too seriously. If the 'Parody/Humor' categorization didn't tip you off, then I'll say it outright: just read it and laugh. No one's really accusing Valgaav of having hot, nasty sex with an anthrofox.
"Curses! She's found us!"
The shouting caused him to awaken. It took his eyes a few moments to adjust to the light as it streamed in through the glass chamber and through the liquid that surrounded him. Although he could feel that the strange fluid that he was floating in was warm, it nonetheless made him cold. He had grown used to this, however; right now, whatever was causing this ruckus was foremost on his mind.
"Fire... BALL!"
A young woman's voice rang out from down the hallway, followed by the sounds of an explosion. Her voice was hauntingly familiar for some reason. Another woman screeched loudly, her piercing shriek sounding out clearly even over the blast created by the fireball.
"We have to do something!"
"Obviously, you fool! But how can we face up to her?"
He could hear a group of men shouting back and forth. Oddly enough, they all shared the same voice. One of them passed in front of his tank. He could not perceive color properly due to the liquid, but the man was clad in flowing robes and had what appeared to be a jewel embedded in his forehead.
"Damu Bras!"
Once again, the familiar woman's voice cried out with an incantation. He could hear stone and glass breaking from the other room. The image of a lush head of chestnut-colored hair floated across his mind's eye.
"Copy Zangulus has been destroyed! Somebody stop her before she ruins everything!"
It was one of the identical male voices again. Shouts of panic and pain filled the background.
"Gourry, don't just stand there! I could use a little help!"
Gourry... Why did that name sound agonizingly familiar even though he could not put a face to it?
"Light, come forth!"
"Jellyfish-brains! You don't have the Sword of Light anymore, remember?"
Bickering... Why did he have the feeling that the headache he was getting from hearing these two shout back and forth was also painfully familiar?
"Lord Zoamelgustar, save me!"
The shrill voice of the second woman cried out again. Luckily enough, her's was a voice that he did not remember.
"We mustn't let her get to Rezo!"
One of the men just outside of his tank stopped and turned, looking back at him. He flashed him a bitter look of apology.
"Zelas Goto!"
What a strange choice of spell... in closed quarters like these, I'd opt for Gaav Flare, myself...
Wait... Why did he know what a Gaav Flare was?
"Somebody get it off me!"
Yet another of the many identical voices screamed in horror, only to be cut off by a horrible squelching sound. An uncomfortable chill shot up his spine, as he instinctually knew--for whatever reason--that what he had heard was a human head being torn from the body by the tentacle of a giant magical jellyfish.
"Don't open that! We haven't finished restoring his memories yet! She'll kill us for sure when she finds out!"
"We don't have a choice! He'll be helpless inside the Copy Chamber!"
Suddenly, the fluid drained from the tank in an eyeblink. The glass whooshed open from top t bottom, and he staggered forth, not used to feeling his own weight. One of the robed men caught him before he stumbled.
"Run, Your Holiness! We shall fight here. If any of us survive, we shall find you."
"But..."
For what felt like the first time ever, he heard his own voice. Even with only one word, he was forced to admit that it was a rather sexy voice, at that.
"Freeze Arrow!"
The robed men had apparently begun to fight back, finally. But how long had even passed since he had awoken? Minutes? Seconds?
"Please, Your Holiness! Escape! Don't worry about us!" With that, the last of the identical sorcerers turned and ran down the hallway to join the fray.
Left all alone, the man from the tank followed his instincts and fled...
"Harder!"
How much did Jillas expect of him? How much harder did he need to do this before the fox was satisfied?
"No, harder!"
Valgaav bit his lip in frustration, and pounded harder.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you'd never done this before," Jillas said, his voice twanging with just the faintest hint of frustration.
"Look, I'm doing this for you, all right? Could you at least try to be less nagging about it?"
Jillas sighed and sat up, and patted Valgaav on the shoulder lightly. "Why don't I take over?" he suggested.
Valgaav sighed. This was so demeaning. He felt like Jillas had just surmounted a part of his masculinity.
Jillas got to his feet. "Here, move over a bit," he said, putting his hands on Valgaav's shoulders. The fox slid him to the side a bit, and then he clutched him be the wrists, wrenching at his hands. "Can't you be more cooperative?" Jillas whined.
"Okay! Fine!" Valgaav responded, folding his arms and pouting. Jillas took the hammer in his hand and started banging away at the nail in the wall. Soon, the painting was hanging nicely in place over their fireplace.
"See? Isn't that much better?" Jillas asked. He placed his hand lightly on the Ancient Dragon's shoulder.
Valgaav cracked a smile. "Yeah, you're right," he admitted. There had never been much need to hang things on the walls back when he was with Gaav, and so his housemaking skills were a bit lacking--aside from his cooking ability, that was. He took great pride in knowing that he could whip up meals that would knock Jillas' socks off.
Jillas leaned over and gave Valgaav a sweet kiss on the cheek. "I didn't mean to imply that you were useless. But honestly, hammering a nail into a wall shouldn't be that big of a deal. Especially for someone who has such big, strong forearms like you do, honey." If Jillas' fur was not already a bright red, Valgaav would have sworn that he was blushing.
"Well, it is a very nice picture," Valgaav said simply, putting his arm around Jillas and drawing him close. Jillas had gone and commissioned a portrait of the two of them from a local painter. Valgaav thought that perhaps the artist had been a bit too flattering in capturing his good looks, but was not about to complain. The fox rested his head on his shoulder and sighed happily.
"Isn't it perfect?" Jillas mused aloud. "The two of us together..."
Valgaav smiled. "It is. I'm so glad you went and had this made for us."
Jillas lifted his head up and winked at Valgaav with his one eye. "I wasn't talking about the picture," he said, wrapping his other arm around him and nuzzling his muzzle against his shoulder.
With a happy grin, Valgaav reached down and gently rubbed his hand through Jillas' fur between his ears. He took comfort in knowing that his fox would be there with him through thick and thing, but something still rested uneasy within his Ancient Dragon soul. Something was still tugging at him on the inside, and it made him feel really awkward, especially when Jillas was being overly affectionate towards him (on top of the awkwardess that already resulted from the fact that his lover was covered in fur).
Gaav...
The Demon Dragon King had died and come back to him once. Was it that much of a farfetched thought to expect that it might happen again someday? Part of Valgaav still wanted to keep believing in that faint hope, even while Jillas slowly brought his hand up to his chest and rubbed it lovingly...
Xellos' eyes twinkled with spite as a sneer crossed his face. He was going to enjoy this. With a single motion, he brought his hand down, striking his target so hard that spatters of red stained his robes. Then, he looked down at his handiwork and grinned with satisfaction.
DENIED
The crimson seal had been slapped on perfectly over the latest of Xellos' request forms. Apparently, Cuddles the Safety Otter was wanting to take Bucky the Safety Beaver to court for having "ripped off his gig." Xellos had no time for such nonsense. In reality, such a claim was supposed to be made with the Anthropomorphic Mascot Council and Regulation Commission, not with the Animal God Official. Despite this, Xellos merely wrote "That is a secret" in the 'Reason for Denial' box and slid the form into his outbox.
Sighing heavily, Xellos kicked back in his chair. He surveyed his rebuilt office with the tiniest amount of bitterness. After having been forced back into his job as Animal God Official, he had done a much better job of behaving himself. He knew that the alternative was to face another night with "Lulu," or perhaps--even worse--Filia on heavy medication. Granted, his job was still a thankless (and often pointless) one, but Xellos puttered about his day-by-day existence, hoping that one day the Greater Beast would bless him with a better assignment. Heck, getting lent out to Hellmaster Phibrizzo in order to mess things up for Chaos Dragon Gaav had been fun, damnit! The little stint involving Almayce and Darkstar had been fairly entertaining as well.
Xellos wished that there were some mischief that he could cause. Perhaps he could "accidentally" misfile some paperwork and end up getting Dilgear to spend a "romantic" night with Zelgadis Graywords. But common sense took over and knew that he'd end up getting stuck with the both of them in a rather compromising position if he got caught.
There was still much paperwork to be done before the day's end. Animal God Official Xellos sighed and went back to his duties.
The men back in the underground laboratory had kept mentioning "Rezo."
Is that my name? He desperately wanted to know. "Hello, my name is Rezo," he said aloud to himself as he walked. Saying it somehow felt right. Also, hearing his voice was a treat in and of itself.
Very well. Until I find out differently, my name is Rezo. And so "Rezo" continued walking, hoping to find some answers in the next town.
At least he wasn't naked anymore. Someone had been kind enough to give him an old yet comfortable robe to cover himself with. Or perhaps the sight of seeing him nude was too much to bear. Rezo did not want to guess if that was in the positive or the negative sense. But as much as he was appreciative of the musty brown clothing, he somehow felt that he would look so much prettier if he were wearing red. The sound of howling wolves echoed in the distance. Rezo kept on walking, hoping that he would reach the next town before--
Wait a second... wolves? Wolves weren't active at this time of day, and they weren't supposed to live in habitats like this...
Three gray shadowed forms suddenly slipped through Rezo's peripheral vision. Their howls had made them sound deceptively further away than they actually were. Or perhaps they were just unnaturally fast.
Spreading out into a three-point formation, the wolves rounded back and began to sprint towards him. He tried to keep his eye on all three at once, but they kept shuffling back and forth so quickly that he could only manage to ever trail two at the same time. Eventually, the closest one to him leapt into the air, baring its fangs. Rezo held up his arms and shouted in shock.
"Flare Bit!"
Rezo recoiled in surprise at his own actions as the repeated blasts of energy shot forth from his hands, effectively and messily tearing the wolf apart in a second. While dazed at the power he had just demonstrated, he failed to notice in time that the second wolf had already jumped forth as well. He spun to the side, but the wolf caught his shoulder with its muzzle, and its fangs tore a large piece of flesh from him. Rezo stumbled to the side, but pivoted on one foot and pointed his other arm at the wolf just as it landed.
"Blam Blazer!" he cried out, and an energy beam streamed out from his open palm, disintegrating the wolf's entire front half. He clutched at the wound in his shoulder and muttered under his breath. "Recovery!"
Almost instantly, Rezo felt the gaping hole seal up, and the flow of blood ceased. Things were happening so fast.
How do I know these spells? Where does this power I have come from?
Rezo looked up and frantically looked around for the third wolf, feeling its presence, but not seeing it anywhere. He knew that any second it could pop out of hiding and--
The snarl came from directly behind him. Rezo turned to face the wolf, but in doing so lost his footing and fell to the ground. Knowing that no time remained to cast a spell, he covered his head with his arms and shouted in fear.
"Freeze Arrow!"
Rezo opened his eyes to see the wolf get smacked out of the air by the spell projectile. The wolf was encased in a block of ice before it even hit the ground. He turned his head to the side, his heart pounding hard in his chest as gazed up at his savior.
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-ho ho ho ho ho! Looks like you're a lucky one indeed!"
Dumbstruck, Rezo looked up at the woman who had cast the spell as she brought a hand near her face, her laugh pulsating against his eardrums. From her clothing, she was obviously some type of sorceress, albeit an unorthodox one. She was also rather buxom. Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that she was inordinately well-endowed. No, that's still not right... The woman had enormous breasts.
"I... I..." Rezo stuttered foolishly. At least his voice was still sexy, though. "To whom do I owe I the debt of my life?" he asked with more composure.
The sorceress flashed a wry smile. "Who indeed! Do you mean to tell me that you know not of Nahga the Serpent?"
"Let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess!"
No turning back now...
Lina held her hands forth and shouted the final words of her incantation. "Dragon Slave!" The spell blazed forth from her hands, and the resulting explosion destroyed her foe (along with a sizeable chunk of the surrounding forest). She had not even been sure what it was exactly that she had been fighting. Whatever it was had been following her for several hours, and in the end, it had taken a spell as powerful as her Dragon Slave to finish it off. This meant that it was very likely that she had not simply happened across a normal run-of-the-mill monster in the course of her travels. Someone had sent that thing to kill her.
A few days earlier, she and Gourry had been traveling in order to check out a set of ruins. She had purchased a map from a shady-looking fellow in a small town, but the price had been very cheap, and she had been bored, so she felt that she owed herself to at least check the place out. The man had mentioned something about bizarre experiments that were going on, and so part of her had thought that perhaps she might have been able to find something to help out Zelgadis in his quest to return to being human. In the end, however, all she had found was a laboratory full of Vrumugun copies who had kidnapped Queen Martina of Xoana. Still, it had given her the opportunity to work out some stress by blasting things, and the look of indignation on Martina's face at having been saved by her was almost worth it in its own right.
After her search had turned up fruitless, she had been summoned soon after to Seyruun by a frantic Filia and an even more frantic Amelia. Apparently, Zelgadis had gone and done something with a copy of the Claire Bible that had inadvertently removed him from existence. By the time that Lina had arrived, however, things had (somehow or another) fixed themselves, and so she was able to leave Seyruun behind without having to lift a finger. This was all well and good, because Lina had no idea how she would have been much help to the situation, anyway. On the other hand, Lina had shown firsthand that it was possible to be absorbed by even the Lord of Nightmares and still make it back unscathed, so perhaps there had been some logic into seeking her help after all.
So, Lina had assumed that the excitement would have died down for a while after having left Seyruun, if even for a few days. But even that had not been the case.
Gourry poked his head out from around the tree that he was hiding behind. "Didja get him?" he asked, tentatively stepping back out into the open.
Lina clapped her hands together a few times and shook them out. "Was there ever a doubt?" she replied, flashing Gourry a wink.
"Is this where you get to the part when you say a bunch of nice words about yourself that're really long?"
Lina sighed. "Beautiful Sorcery Genius" wasn't that hard of a phrase to remember. But then, this was Gourry, after all. "Let's just get going," she said. "I have a feeling that things are going to start getting uncomfortable in a little bit..."
"Uncomfortable?" Gourry asked as he walked off after her. "The last time you said that was when we stayed at that tavern with the really small beds and the lousy pillows."
"I know," Lina responded. "Except this time, our problems won't be solved as easily as waving a fist in the face of a cheapskate innkeep..."
"Valgaav, honey!" Jillas called out. "Someone's at the door for you!"
Valgaav turned his head from his copy of Better Evil Lairs and Gardens Magazine and looked down the hallway. "Someone's here to see me?" he asked in disbelief. Who even knows that I live here?
Jillas stepped out of the way and let Valgaav past. Sure enough, someone was indeed standing just outside of their makeshift doorwell. It was a man draped in long robes.
"Can I help you?" the Ancient Dragon asked.
"I'm looking for a Mr. Val Gaav," the mysterious visitor said with a bizarre flat tone of voice. "May I assume that that I you?"
"It's 'Valgaav,'" he responded a bit bitterly. "And yes, that's me."
"Very well, Mr. Valgaav. May I come in? I have a... proposal that you may find interesting."
Valgaav looked back at Jillas, who just shrugged. Well, he looks like I could put my fist through his chest if he tries anything funny... "Sure. Come on in. Just don't mind the mess," he said, gesturing inside. The man stepped in, and for the first time, Valgaav noticed the sparkling gem embedded in his forehead.
"My name is Vrumugun," the man said, dusting his robes off in the foyer. He looked up at Jillas. "Your pet is quite well-trained."
As they made eye contact, the fox averted his gaze shyly from Valgaav's. Oh, if you could only see the tricks he can do... Valgaav tried to rub the grin from his face as he turned back to Vrugumun. "Please, follow me. I'm interested in hearing this 'proposal' of yours."
Vrugumun spoke as the three of them walked down the corridor into what was Valgaav's and Jillas' "guest room," so-to speak. Not that they ever had any guests. Still, Valgaav had a certain sense of pride that he should still be equipped with a fully furnished home that would be ready to function as anything at a moment's notice. "Mr. Valgaav, I represent--well, for the time being, whom I represent is not important. We merely have a... small favor to ask of you."
Valgaav smiled. "You need me, eh?"
Nodding lightly in the affirmative, Vrumugun continued. "We've been told that you possess a certain power."
"Does this involve me killing Golden Dragons?" Valgaav asked excitedly.
"Um... no, it--"
"Well then can it?"
Vrumugun stuttered some more. "Erm... maybe. You'll have to take it up with him when he gets here."
Valgaav stopped thinking of murdering his enemies for a moment. "Wait... 'him?'"
"You'll find out soon enough," Vrumugun said, keeping the same dry tone to his voice. "Assuming you help us, that is."
"So what exactly is it that you need me for?" Damnit, if it's not killing Golden Dragons, it had at least better still be something interesting.
Vrumugun looked around the room as if searching for something. "Like I said, we've heard that you have a power... a power source, rather. We wish to make use of this."
Valgaav stopped for a second and thought. Then he remembered the magical energy source that used to power the transporter that had led to the Pillar of Light. Right now, all he and Jillas were using it for was to power the microwave and the washing machine. "Yes, that's right," Valgaav answered. "May I ask what you'd like to use it for?"
"Certainly," Vrumugun said. "We need power for a machine--a series of machines, actually--to help us make copies."
"Has your office had a blackout or something?" Valgaav asked. Imagine, having to ask someone as powerful as him to help power clerical machines!
"You misunderstand, Mr. Valgaav. I refer not to paper, but rather to living beings."
Valgaav's interest was officially piqued. "Oh? Tell me more."
Jillas sidled up and placed a paw softly on Valgaav's shoulder from behind. "I'm not sure if this is a good idea," he said timidly.
"Whether it is a good idea or not is not for you to decide, fox," Vrumugun said, still sounding flat, but with a detectable trace of contempt to his voice. "Anyway, I shall be glad to answer your questions, Mr. Valgaav. First..."
".... and so in closing, we would like to thank the Animal God Official's Office for helping preserve our habitat, even if does mean that we have to share it with some unnatural beats from now on."
This letter from a group of spotted owls from Seyruun was one of the few letters that Xellos had gotten today that was actually pleasant. And so far, there had been no requests for him to star in any yaoi fanfics with Miwan, either, which was always a welcome change of pace.
It's too quiet. Something is bound to surprise me today... Xellos tried to shake the feeling from him as he reached into his inbox for the next letter. There was no return address on it... nor, for that matter, was there anything written on it at all. Xellos held it closer to his face and inspected it. It reeked of cigarette smoke.
"It couldn't be..." Xellos uttered aloud. Without reaching for his new Ragud Mezegis-shaped letter opener, he tore the envelope open with his fingers and carefully plucked the letter out from within. Unfolding it before his eyes, he read slowly:
Xellos,
You are to report to me on Wolfpack Island--immediately.
A special assignment has been prepared for you.
-Zelas Metallium
Xellos just barely resisted the urge to squeal with schoolgirlish delight.
The Greater Beast had finally made his dreams come true.
"So, I still haven't caught your name," Nahga asked Rezo as they walked along through the woods. She wasn't bad company, and the fact that she had a rack that could distract even Shabranigdo didn't hurt, either.
"My name?" Rezo thought for a moment. Do I tell her my name's Rezo? I'm not even sure that it is... "I..."
Nahga smirked. "Don't wanna tell me, eh? Well, no matter, I guess. Just one question..."
Kill her!
Rezo shook his head. Kill her! Come on, it'd be so easy! She's not even expecting it! The voice inside his head was bizarrely compelling. This was mostly because the voice was pretty sexy. But Rezo found against his own mind. "One question?" Rezo echoed back.
You pansy! Elmekia Flame her ass into the next century! You know you can do it. No one will know.
Nahga coughed politely. "I am going to get a reward for saving your life, right?"
Cuts right to the chase, doesn't she? "Reward?" Rezo asked, somewhat stunned by her frankness. He knew that he had nothing, but also did not want to give up Nahga's protection. "Of--of course! When we get to the next village, I have a friend who owes me some money. Then we can--"
"Say no more, good sir!" Nahga said cheerfully, slapping him on the shoulder. "The faster we hurry along, the happier we'll both be!"
Lina hummed smugly to herself as she bounded down the stairs. She had just cast a Sleeping spell on Gourry while he was in his room, and so now she could enjoy a meal at the dining hall downstairs without interruption. She was coming up opon "that time" of the month, and she wanted all the energy that she could get. For tonight, she just wanted to pig out free of distractions, and hopefully forget that someone was apparently out to kill her.
"Hey Pops!" Lina shouted as she entered the room. "Load me up with a little bit of everything you got!" Before the innkeeper could utter whatever response he was planning, Lina had already tossed a sizeable bag of gold onto the counter as she walked past and sat down at an empty table. A few of the other tavern patrons stared at her, but she was used to that by this stage in her life.
A barmaid quickly scurried over and placed a decanter of some type of alcoholic beverage on Lina's table, along with a single tiny glass. Lina poured some and took a sniff. Still unsure of what it actually was, she sampled a taste. Hmm... not bad, she thought, sipping a bit more before putting it down. She whistled happily, taking in the scent of the food cooking as it wafted through the air. For a small place like this, the kitchen looked rather big. This made her drool with happy anticipation. Soon, her belly would be full, and she would be content.
A few minutes passed, and then one of the workers emerged from the kitchen. In his hands was what appeared to be a plate of sirloin, sizzling lightly. Lina went wide-eyed and actually licked at her lips. "Herewegoherewegoherewego..." She gripped her knife and fork in her hands to the point of sweating.
Just then, the wall exploded forth, and the dining room was flooded with flames. The waiter tripped and stumbled, sending the tray crashing to the floor. Lina hopped to her feet and drew herself back into a casting stance. First they try to hunt me down and kill me, and now they mess with my dinner! She gritted her teeth and held her hands at the ready, waiting to fire off whatever spell would turn out to be appropriate.
Some of the brawnier customers had jumped to their feet as well and had whatever weapons they carried ready. The rest had all either already fled screaming, or sat huddling in a corner in fear of the flames. Moment after moment ticked by with nothing happened, increasing the atmosphere of dread. Finally, another magical blast rocked the opposite wall, causing it too to splinter inwards, spreading more fire throughout the inn.
Lina cautiously backed up and stared at the ceiling as a groaning, creaking nose sounded throughout the wooden frame of the building...