Phantom of Reality
I began to write this play as a display of my phan knowledge.....and it just turned out funny. Contains: a fat Christine, anorexic ballerinas, a jealous Piangi, and a lot of other warped characters. Rated PG for some brief language (oh, yes, language like "yes" and "no"....horrible brief language [really bad joke, but an old one]) and for total Christine bashing. (Seriously, who can possibly like this pathetic character?!?!?! She loves a dandy!!!!!!!)
Scene One
Pulling Purse Strings
(Play begins in the middle of a rehearsal. Carlotta is dressed like Madonna, singing "Ray of Light." The ballerinas are dressed like Britney Spears, Mandy Moore, and Christine Agulera; the Master of the Men's Chorus is dressed like Ricky Martin. Piangi is dressed like George Bush.....He never really seems to get anything. Firmin, Andre, and Giry look on.)
Carlotta: Quicker than a ray of light she's, um....frying!
Giry: Flying! It's flying, you dumb harlot!
Carlotta: Well, I'm sorry. (Scowling at Piangi) It seems all I ever do at home is frying.
Piangi: (confused) Say what now??
Carlotta: You don't love me like you used to!
Meg: (screaming) Ahhhh, my virgin ears!
Ballerinas: Andre, make them stop!
Giry: Yeah, you frugal moron, open the purse strings a little and hire a divorce lawyer, do us all a favor!
Andre: Think of it this way: in the long run, your anorexic daughter is losing weight by listening to this disgusting bickering.
Firmin: Do me a favor, just go on with the show! Go on with the show! My wife's really looking forward to Salute to the Fat Americans. (shuddering) Mumsy-in-law's coming to watch.
All: Ouch.
Giry: Okay, girls, if you don't go on with the show, you can't have your dinner of Eslax, water, and Jenny Craig bars. Got it?
Ballerinas: (wailing) But we're so hungry!
Meg: What if we split a cookie? Between the eight of us?
Giry: Forget it, you cow!
Meg: But we're all -1% body fat.
Olivia the Ballerina: We promise it won't be a big cookie....Just one of those small, tiny, itsy-bitsy Chips Ahoy's.
Kim the Ballerina: It's not even "1,000 chips delicious"; it's just about four chips delicious.
Olivia: I haven't even seen four chocolate chips together in my life!
Giry: Shut up! Shut up! Okay, okay, one cookie, but only if you go bulimic. Promise?
Ballerinas: Whatever you say!
Andre: C'mon now, let's go, chop chop.
(Christine enters.)
Giry: Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who eats hoagies. Where've you been, injecting more fat into that big derriere of yours?
All: Ooooh....
Carlotta: That, my friend, was cold.
Piangi: Dead cold.
Meg: (pretending to shiver) Chilly, girlfriend! Brrr.
Christine: (in a daze) With an angel....
Firmin: You went to my stylist!
Christine: Yeah! You weren't kidding when you said he did miracles. Come over here, look at my highlights.
Firmin: (fawning) You're now a real red-head. Auburn is so good on you. Did Paul tell you that joke...?
Christine: About the priest, the goat, and the mayonnaise?
Firmin: Isn't he the best?!
Christine: S&M!!
Andre: C'mon, already, let's get the show on the road.
(The Phantom drops a house plant, three throw pillows, and knocks over a flashlight.)
Phantom: Aw, dang.
(The theater goes crazy.)
Meg: (going to center stage, putting the spotlight on herself with the flashlight) He's here, the Phantom of the Opera! It's the Ghost, it's the Ghost!
Firmin: (putting his hand in his coat) My purse! My purse, where's my purse?! I need my Mace! I need it now!
Carlotta: (running in circles) He's trying to (specifically) kill me!
Piangi: (running after her in confusion) What makes you so darn special? Why don't I get any assassins? It's not fair!
Giry: (in denial) I don't have a crush on the Phantom, I don't have a crush on the Phantom...Hello, my name is Antoinette Giry and I don't have a crush on the Phantom....
Andre: (totally POed [accidental play on words]) Aw, c'mon, you just don't want to work! This is really getting me mad!.....Just stop it! (stamps the floor and throws the libretto) Stop it, stop it, stop it!!!!!!!
(Carlotta runs off the stage and into the orchestra.)
Andre: (over the din) Oh, isn't that dandy! (Piangi, too dumb to really think, almost follows his wife off the stage; Andre catches him) Not you too, fat cheeks, I need you.....Even though I can't hear you over the flapping of your jowls, you're not as stupid as your wife.
Firmin: Wait, we no longer have a Madonna.
Giry: Can't we cut her?
Firmin: Are you kidding my Paris butt? The real Madonna would sic her lawyers by the waves!
Andre: (popping pills) I don't need this.....I mean, really.
Meg: Christine can sing!
Firmin: Does she sing well?
Meg: Does it really matter now?
Firmin: Okay, fine, I don't care. She's a dumb cow. Okay, Judy Garland, you got the job.
Christine: Sorry, what? I was listening to the voices in my head.
Firmin: Sigh.....