This scene is also pretty funny. Contents: Firmin's senile mumsy-in-law, a totally idiotic Raoul (I mean, REALLY dumb), an obese Christine (yes, she's getting fatter by the scene), and other bizarre people. It's not half bad!!!

Scene Two

Your Average Dumb? I Don't Think So....It's A Special Dumb

(Christine is backstage talking to the ballerinas.)

Olivia the Ballerina: You were great!

Christine: Seriously?

Olivia: (looking to Meg and Kim) At least better than Carlotta.

Kim: (taking out a newspaper) Check out these reviews. (reading) "While the ballerinas sucked, Christine sort of held Salute to the Fat Americans together...like fat glue!"

Christine: (alarmed) What?!

Meg: (taking the paper) Now, now, now, that was a fluke. They've got to get better than that. (reading) "While I was drowsing and my wife was buying merchandise, I happened to be awoken by Christine's sweet melody."

Christine: Well, that was better.

Kim: (reading) "But the merchandise still sucked....I mean, the Madonna doll looked nothing like the pregnant Madonna that Christine played."

Christine: I WASN'T PLAYING THE PREGNANT MADONNA! Am I really that fat?

Olivia, Kim, Meg: No, no, no, of course not.

Olivia: (holding up the dissected mini cookie) But do you want a piece? It's large enough to split nine.

Christine: (devouring the cookie) Thanks.

Kim: Oh my tap-dancing Fosse, she's a conspiracy! She ate the ENTIRE thing!

(The ballerinas run away screaming.)

Christine: I don't get it! What'd I do?!

(Christine sulks and walks off to her dressing room. Raoul, Firmin, Andre, Mrs. Firmin, and Mumsy Firmin come out drinking grape juice.)

Firmin: So, what'd you think of the play, Mumsy Firmin?

Mumsy Firmin: (looking dazed) I like muffins.

(Andre, Firmin, and Raoul snicker when they realize she's a senile nut.)

Mrs. Firmin: (smacks her husband) Shut up! She's sick!

Raoul: (running away) Contagiously sick?

(Andre catches him by the coattails.)

Raoul: (whining) But I don't wanna catch stupid!

Andre: (sighing) At least he paid for the play.

Firmin: So, it seems that the young, pudgy soprano has caught your eye, eh, de Chag? Snap, snap, green, green, wink, wink, say no more?

Raoul: Huh?

Andre: I'm sorry, he watches too much BBC. He was asking if you wanted to meet Miss Daae.

Raoul: (eagerly) Yuhuh!

Firmin: Her dressing room's over there if you wanna see her before dinner.

Raoul: Can she come with us?

Mrs. Firmin: Sure, we're going to "Sizzler." All you can eat, she's probably been there before.

Raoul: What's that supposed to mean? She's big-boned.

Firmin, Mrs. Firmin, Andre: (dully) Yeah, sure, whatever, etc.

(They leave. Raoul begins to go up to Christine's dressing room.)

Raoul: (distracted) Ooh, something extra, extra shiny! Ice cream! Wohoo!!!!!!!

(Raoul runs off and Meg comes into Christine's room.)

Meg: Hey, Chris. Sorry about the cookie thing, it's just....Woah, we were scared. Are you okay?

Christine: (eating candy corn) No problem, it's happened before. Want some?

(Meg hisses like Dracula and cowers.)

Christine: (a little put off) Um, okay. So, what's up?

Meg: I was just gonna come here to say how great you were. But why? I mean, a drunk Mumsy Firmin used to (and did) sing better than you a couple months ago. What changed?

Christine: (happily) I've been taking lessons from an angel.

Meg: The guy who did your hair?

Christine: No! I mean, the Angel of Music!

Meg: (dryly) Right. Look, I may wear a net skirt, but I'm really not that stupid.

Christine: No, really! He watches me, in my dressing room, and coaches me....daily!

Meg: (boggling) In your dressing room?!?!

Christine: Oh, not like....

Meg: In your DRESSING ROOM?!?!!?

Christine: C'mon, Meggy. (love-struck) I love him!

Meg: (coughing) Nut.

Christine: (suddenly) He's here.

Meg: (coughing) Loser.

Christine: (holding out her hands) My hands are cold...He's all around me.

Meg: (coughing) Nut-bar.

Christine: (angry) Meg! This is supposed to interest you! You're supposed to think I'm something wonderful!

Meg: Whatev, babe. (looking at her pager) Whoops, gotta run. Rehearsal, Mommy'll be mad.

Christine: But...Wha....You're...I'm....(shrugging) Okay. Bye, Meg.

Meg: (waving) Bon and soir.

(Meg leaves. Raoul enters Christine's dressing room, carrying three chocolate-flavored snow cones.)

Raoul: (looking at the paper hat on Christine's dresser) Mademoiselle, you have forgotten your hat.

Christine: My dear friend, my "Sizzler" hat blew off in the wind....A thirteen year-old boy with a "Lobster House" bib saved it. (turns) Oh, Raoul, it is you!

(Raoul leans forward to embrace her; she merely takes two of the snow cones and begins to scarf them down.)

Raoul: Little Lotte let her mind wander.

Christine: Huh?

Raoul: Little Lotte thought am I fonder of frocks or of riddles or frocks.....

Christine: Oh, are you still obsessed with your insane girl cousin? The one who thought she saw the angel of music.

Raoul: Or of chocolates.

Christine: Remember father playing the French horn in his "Sizzler".......

Raoul:....As we read stupid stories from "MAD."

Christine: Ooh, remember what your cousin said? The thing she liked better than shoes? When she heard the angel of Angel of Music sing in her head?

Raoul: She was on crack, you know.

Christine: But I can hear the Angel of Music, too! Why doesn't anyone believe me!

Raoul: Aw, honey, I love you even if you do love chocolates and the Angel of Music.

(Christine's fat eyes widen; she puts down the snow cone.)

Raoul: Anyway, you wanna come out to dinner with us?

Christine: (flatly) I think I just went on a diet. But, Raoul, just listen.....

Raoul: (kissing her cheek) Get out of that Madonna outfit and come join us. Maybe Mumsy Firmin will sing the "Cabaret" theme song at dinner. (He leaves.)

Christine: Aw, fruit snacks! (She pouts and snacks on a hidden "Snickers" pack.)

Phantom: Gorging child....What cute little pudgy cheeks you've got.

Christine: (in tears) Shut up! I'm on a diet....Tomorrow.

Phantom: (in a pet voice) C'mon, c'mon, honey, give me a smile....C'mon, c'mon!

(Christine smiles through a mouth full of caramel.)

Phantom: Why don't you follow me? Downstairs, I've got a fridge of "Ben and Jerry's."

Christine: I'm there! Wohoo!

(Raoul knocks on the door.)

Phantom: How many flavors? Let's see, I've got Double Fudge Brownie, Chubby Hubby, Chunky Monkey....

Christine: Keep talkin', keep talkin'.....

(The mirror opens. The Phantom pulls her in.)

Phantom: Yoink.

Raoul: What the.....?

(Opens the door. Finds the room empty.)

Raoul: D'oh!