I would have had this out a lot sooner if my professors hadn't decided that I needed to be writing papers and taking exams. Somewhere in writing this piece I decided that I am going to make this whole thing as close to the canon as possible so if you spot any errors please tell me. In a random side note, I have to tell you about the scare I had the other day. We are in the middle of student government elections so I was walking to class one day and all of a sudden I noticed these signs everywhere that said: Vote President Bourne. It really really scared me and needless to say I am not voting for him.

Tony sat at his station frozen the sound of the gunshot ringing in his ears. He was vaguely aware of the Captain standing up and shouting. He moved funny. Slow kind of, like the way things look underwater. Tony heard his name called and saw the Captain run off the bridge. The meaning of the words slowly trickled down through his head. 'Piccolo, come with me.' He found himself running to catch up to the Captain but he did not remember standing up or leaving the bridge. The Captain stopped in front of a hatch so Tony stopped too. He looked around a moment trying to clear the fog dancing around in his brain. He recognized the corridor outside his quarters. Why were they there? Something about Lucas.

Captain Hudson opened the hatch and took a step inside. Tony peaked around him trying to see what had drawn his attention. A lightening bolt of panic and pain ripped away the protecting fog that had been cushioning him from reality. He heard Lucas's whisper in his mind. 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' The shot that followed. Oh God. Lucas. Please no. Lucas! Tony's breath caught in his throat in a half sob. He wanted to run to his friend's side but he stood frozen in place. He stared at the gun that lay on the floor. The evil hateful thing that had done this to his friend. No, Lucas had done this to himself. His attention was drawn to the blood pooling around Lucas's head. That was his friend's life leaking out. Drip drip, then it was gone. Gone. Oh Lucas, please no. Eyes filled with despair and trapped tears slowly met the Captain's gaze.

"He's not gone yet." The Captain smiled up at him. Tony clung to those four words like a drowning man would cling to a life vest. He repeated them over in his head like a mantra willing him to have hope. 'He's not gone yet.' He's not dead. He's not dead. He stood there watching as the medteam arrived and pushed the Captain out of the way. They began doing things to Lucas calmly and professionally. He wanted to beg them to save him. He wanted to shout at them. 'Please save him! Don't let him die! Help him! Help him. Don't let him go.' He wanted to shove them away and hold Lucas. He wanted to cry and scream and pound on the wall. Instead he stood there trembling. 'Please don't leave me,' he begged Lucas's still body silently. 'Stay. Whatever it is, I'll fix it. Just don't die. Please don't die.'

The Captain put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony looked up at him for a moment surprised. When he realized that he was being led from the room he wanted to protest. He was possessed by the irrational fear that if he let Lucas out of his sight then Lucas would die. Had it been anyone other than Hudson he would have but this was the Captain so he allowed himself to be directed into the corridor. He looked at his Captain for instructions longing to get back inside with Lucas. The Captain began to speak and Tony struggled to pay attention to what he was saying.

"Tony, I need you to go back to the bridge. Tell everyone there that Lucas is still alive. Have Commander Ford call up the secondary crew to replace everyone. I will be down at medbay. Have all of his friends gather in the wardroom and I will bring any updates as soon as possible." Tony nodded to show that he understood the orders. Because they were orders, he never even thought about protesting before he turned to carry them out. He walked towards the bridge struggling to gain some control over his emotions. He entered the bridge and his composure lasted until everyone looked at him.

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," he managed to get out through the tears he was unable to stop. He was surprised to find Tim standing by his side. Tim hesitantly put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony threw his arms around the other man sobbing. "Why'd he do it? Why'd he want to leave us?"

"I don't know, Tony. I just don't know," answered Tim through tears of his own. They stood together for a moment drawing comfort from each other. Finally Tony let go and stepped back embarrassed. Tim did not say anything just wiped the tears from his glasses. They turned when they felt a hand touch them. Commander Ford was looking at them through wet eyes. Tony reached up and patted Jonathan on the shoulder while Tim did the same allowing him into their circle of grief. Tony had never really considered him a friend. Their personalities rubbed each other the wrong way too often for that but Tony respected the Commander and he loved Lucas as much as anyone on this boat. Tony looked around and saw that the bridge crew had already been replaced. He looked to Jonathan in confusion.

"I thought it best we give you a few minutes," said the Commander answering the younger man's unasked question. "Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"

Tony nodded sniffling. He'd rather be down in medbay where he was at least near Lucas. He felt better after crying but he was embarrassed that he had mauled Tim like that especially since he knew that Tim was not one for a lot of physical contact. Tim did not seem to mind though. He was standing closer to Tony now. Maybe he had needed the contact as much as Tony himself had. Tony trusted Tim. He went to him with his problems and Tim always listened. Tim did not talk much about himself though except maybe to Lucas. Tim and Lucas had always had a bond but they had been even closer ever since the Captain had taken over. Thinking about Lucas made the tears start to fall again. Why hadn't Lucas gone to Tim? Why hadn't he come to Tony? There must have been something they could have done to prevent this. What if he did not make it? How could there be a seaQuest without Lucas? It just did not seem possible. Wiping his face again, Tony followed the other two down to medbay.

The Captain had not arrived when they got there but a nurse came out to tell them that Lucas was in surgery. They sat there silently trying not to think. The waiting was hard. The guilt was harder. Tony kept going over all of the conversations he had had with Lucas the past few days. They played over and over again in his head. He was not sure what he was searching for; something he had said, something he did not say but should have, something that might have hinted at what Lucas was planning, something he could have done, all of the above or none of the above. He just did not know. Everything had turned upside-down. Where was the Captain? The Captain should be here. He SAID he would be here. Lucas was here. Why wasn't the Captain here?

"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" Tim whispered to the silent room.

"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head."

They fell silent again, waiting. A noise in the doorway alerted them to the Captain's arrival. They turned and looked at him hoping that he would not order them away. He stood there watching them for a moment. 'Where have you been?' Tony asked the stone-faced man silently. 'Lucas is here. You should have been here.' The Captain did not say a word. He just walked in and took the last chair. They watched him waiting for something but he just began to stare at the floor. Seeing that he had nothing to say they turned back to what they had been doing before. Waiting.

To keep his mind occupied, Tony began to watch Jonathan pace. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Tony heard Lucas's whisper in his mind. 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' Step. Step. Step. Turn. He saw Lucas standing in the storage room. Step. Step. Step. Turn. He watched him raise the gun to his head. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Lucas raised his head to look at Tony. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Lucas slowly began to pull the trigger. NO! 'You weren't there. You didn't see this. Don't think about this,' he thought to himself. He started clenching and unclenching his fists to try to calm himself. He began counting the tiles in the floor. 1-2-3-4-5 Breathe. 6-7-8-9-10 Breathe out. 11-12-13-14-15 Breathe. 16-17-18 The Captain's voice interrupted him.

Jonathan responded to the command and left the room. It had not been for Tony.

"Lieutenant, Warrant Officer, would the two of you go arrange for some food and coffee to be delivered to the ward room? I will be up there shortly." This order was for him. Suddenly he needed to get out of the room. He needed to be somewhere, anywhere else. Tim looked over at him asking if he wanted to leave or should he protest. Tony nodded saying that he wanted the hell out of the room. They stood together and left the Captain behind. As soon as they were out of medbay Tony leaned up against the wall trembling.

"Tony, are you O.K.?" asked Tim anxiously.

"No, I'm not O.K. My best friend tried to kill himself. How the hell am I supposed to be O.K.?" he answered angrily blinking rapidly to try to stop the tears that were threatening to fall again.

"Come on. Let's get to the wardroom," replied Tim gently leading Tony down the corridor. He cut on his PAL as they walked. "Ah, David, just the person I wanted. Could you send some coffee and something to eat up to the wardroom? Thanks."

"Tony! Tim!" greeted Dagwood happily as they entered the wardroom. "We are having a party for Lucas."

"No, Dagwood, this isn't a party," answered Tim as Tony began to cry again.

"Tony is cry-ing. Why are you sad?" Dagwood was upset that his friends were unhappy.

"I'm sad because Lucas is hurt, Dagwood," answered Tony through his tears.

"Who hurt Lucas?!" demanded Dagwood looking at his friends who were both crying now.

"Lucas hurt himself," replied Tony softly.

"But why Lucas want to do that?" asked Dagwood confused. The two could only shake their head. They did not know why. Dagwood stood and thought for a minute trying to understand. The two moved on stopping to speak to a few people. Lonnie stood towards the front of the room consoling one of the women who had been on the bridge earlier. She patted the woman on the shoulder then moved to walk away. Tony and Tim moved towards her. Lonnie looked up and saw them then burst into tears.

"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both.

"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. Tony stepped back as well as he saw the Commander step into the room. He did not want the Commander to get the idea that he was messing with his woman. Tony watched a bit enviously as Jonathan hurried to Lonnie's side and took her into his arms. She began sobbing again and Jonathan caressed her hair soothing her. Tony was not interested in Lonnie but sometimes he wished that he could find a partner to share his life with. Jonathan looked at them over her head.

"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. Just then the Captain entered the wardroom. Tony searched his face for some sign as to Lucas's fate but met only a blank wall. The Captain slowly walked across the room taking in the scene. Looking around, Tony realized just how many people were in the small room. Distantly he wondered if Lucas would have been surprised. The Captain moved to the front of the room and began to speak. Tony found his attention riveted on him.

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." Tony stood silent, eager as the Captain loaded the computer and put on his glasses. He did not know what to expect from this note but he hoped it gave him some absolution. He wanted answers to still the conversations in his head. He wanted reassurance that it was not his fault. The Captain began to read but it was not the Captain's voice that he heard. Tony only heard Lucas.

"I began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony."

Ah, Luke, no. You weren't a jerk. I should have been more understanding.

"I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did."

We'd never desert you. Never in a million years. You're my roomie, my best friend. How could you think that? Tony cried to the air because his best friend had not known how loved he was.

"I can't leave seaQuest…. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time."

We wouldn't have let you go. We would have made sure you stayed. You didn't have to do this!

"You deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better."

No, Luke, no. You are perfect. We couldn't ask for a better friend. There's no one I'd rather have for a roomie. There's no one I'd rather serve with. Tony cried for his friend who had felt such pain and no one knew. They should have known. They should have realized. He should have realized.

"It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way."

It's not your fault. You didn't know. I should have made sure you knew how much you meant to us. I need you. Please don't leave me. This wasn't the way. This couldn't have been the way things were supposed to be. Tony cursed fate that had only given him understanding when it might be too late to save his friend.

"Please forgive me. Goodbye."

Lucas. Oh god, Lucas. I forgive you for anything you have every done. Just don't die. Come back to us. We'll fix everything. Tony broke down. He sank to the floor sobbing. He felt as if he were tearing out his soul with every sob. He did not even realize that the Captain had finished speaking until Tim shook his shoulder. He looked up and saw that Dr. Perry was standing where the Captain had been a moment before. He pulled himself together fast anxious to hear how Lucas was doing. Dr. Perry began speaking. He heard her say that Lucas was lucky to be alive and he was so thankful. Then she started going into technical details and he got lost. He listened closely though trying to pick out enough to understand what was going on with Lucas.

"Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving." He understood that. He knew that those were not good odds but they were better than nothing.

"If he lives there is a very good chance that he will be a vegetable. The chances of him waking up and walking away from this with no side effects are slim. If he wakes up we could be looking at severe mental retardation, extreme personality changes, paralysis or anything in between." Luke, what have you done to yourself? He could not imagine Lucas being anything other than his normal arrogant genius self. The thought of him waking up and not being Lucas was horrifying. Tony knew that Lucas would not be happy if he was stuck in some wheelchair and he did not think that Lucas would be able to function if his thoughts were not zipping around a hundred times faster than a normal person's thoughts. He did not see much hope in the situation. If Lucas lived he would be miserable. Tony felt guilty and selfish for still wanting him to live. Tony heard her say that she would let him have visitors but he did not feel the joy he would have felt had she announced that five minutes earlier. He felt tired and numb. He heard the Captain begin to speak again but he could not force himself to pay attention.

Time passed and people moved around him but Tony did not stir. There was a silence in his head. He could not think. He was broken. He tried to picture Lucas smiling but all he got was the image of him lying on the floor in the storeroom. He tried to hear Lucas laughing at some joke they had shared but all he heard were the echoes of Lucas's whisper saying over and over again 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' A black hand thrust a cup of coffee into his hand. Tony stared at it for a moment watching the ripples in the liquid as his hands shook. He took a swallow grimacing at the bitter taste and looked up into Jonathan Ford's worried face. Lonnie was standing there too clinging to his side. Tony glanced around. Many of the people had left. He did not see Tim. He looked back at Jonathan questioningly.

"Tim is down in medbay seeing Lucas. Would you like to go down?"

Tony shook his head emphatically afraid that if he spoke he would cry again. He looked down at the coffee and took another sip. He closed his eyes and wished he were in the ocean. In the ocean his tears would be just another drop of salt water and no one would see. In the ocean he would be free. Maybe the pain would not follow him there. He sat there staring at his coffee. Absently he took a sip and spit it back out. It was cold. How long had he been sitting here? Tony looked up and Tim was back but Lonnie was gone. Tim and Jonathan sat watching him with concern in their eyes. Lonnie returned and completed the group.

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently.

"No!" Tony was not ready for that yet.

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated the Commander firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters."

Unable to object to the order, the other three stood up mutely and followed him. Tony had never been inside the Commander's quarters and he was curious as to what they looked like. He pictured a bare room with only the necessities highly organized and highly militaristic. When he entered the room, its class and simple charm pleasantly surprised him. Lamps scattered around the room provided a warm glow that was a welcome respite from the harsh florescent lighting. A few paintings hung on the walls. One was of the seaQuest framed by profiles of several people. Tony knew most of the people and recognized the others from pictures Lucas had shown him. Only after he had seen this room and felt its personable welcoming aura did Tony realized that Jonathan considered the seaQuest to be his home. He was not here because this was where his station was. He was not here because it was his best bet to be promoted to Captain. He was not even here because he hoped to run seaQuest one day. He was here because this was his home and this was where he belonged. He was here for the same reasons Tony and Tim and everyone else from 2022 were here and this realization made Tony see the Commander in a whole new light. Tony stopped staring at the room and took a seat at the small wood table where the other three were already sitting.

"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Tony looked at the alcohol and glanced at Jonathan then tossed it down. It burned like fire going down his throat and snaking into his stomach. Good stuff. Tim and Lonnie gasped as they swallowed theirs but Jonathan drank his with ease. He put the bottle away and turned back to them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," stated Jonathan looking at them. Tony could not help thinking that maybe this whole thing had unhinged him and judging from the stares Jonathan was getting from Tim and Lonnie he was not the only person having such thoughts. "Did I ever tell you about the first time Captain Bridger met Lucas? He was so cocky back then. Arrogant to the core. I don't think he had ever had to deal with people before. So there Bridger was being as stubborn as can be and angry that Noyce had brought Darwin to seaQuest without his permission when all of a sudden Darwin talks. You should have seen the look on his face. Then Lucas starts in talking about cutting edge technology and all Bridger can do is stare at him. We have one of the greatest Captains in the history of the navy and there's this kid standing there talking to him as though he were five years old. It was priceless and pure Lucas right down to him using the hand gestures that Bridger had spent months teaching Darwin. I didn't think either of them would last very long."

Tony had heard a slightly different version from Lucas but he decided that Jonathan's version was probably the more accurate of the two. He could picture the scene in his head though and it brought a smile to his face.

"Remember when Katie and Lucas designed that Stinger?" asked Tim smiling at the memory.

"God, how could I forget," answered Jonathan.

"They spent half their time arguing over what to name the thing. Lucas wanted to name it Stinger but Katie demanded Gazelle," explained Tim for the benefit of the other two. "There was a competition among several designers and the prototype was destroyed the night before the test race. They stayed up all night rebuilding it from scratch. We pitched in when they let us but they were very possessive of that thing. It's too bad they were beat by that other guy. Man, those were good times."

"Tell me about it. Katie and Ben always fighting like an old married couple. Lucas and Ben constantly getting in trouble. The Captain and Dr. Westphalen falling in love and trying to hide it." Jonathan smiled lost in the past.

"I remember when you first joined seaQuest. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Tony shook his head. He had not known that but he was not surprised. There was a pool for everything on this boat.

"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?"

"Not yet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered the Commander.

"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" asked Tony to Tim laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."

"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan.

"How did you know about that?" asked Tim.

"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie.

"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.

"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother."

"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."

"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim.

"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie.

"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter.

"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"

"That was amazing."

"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.

"Not always," replied Jonathan with a knowing glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him.

"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected."

"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past.

"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully. "Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."

"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too. Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do."

"Sure, Tony, just remember that we are here if you need anything," replied Tim gently.

"Thanks. Do-do you think you could come down to medbay with me afterwards?" Tony asked hesitantly.

"Of course. Just let me know when." Tim squeezed his shoulder reassuringly watching as he left the room.

Tony walked slowly through the corridor from Jonathan's quarters. He kept his head down avoiding the curious stares the other crewmembers kept sending his direction. He could feel their eyes on him and almost hear their questions but he did his best to ignore the attention. He was more relaxed than he had been before. This was probably as close as he would get to feeling peaceful for a long time. He hoped it gave him the strength to get through the rest of the night. Sighing softly he reached the hatch to his and Lucas's room. He stared at it for a moment gathering the courage to go inside. Come on. Just go in already. He slowly opened the hatch and looked inside suddenly afraid of what he might find. He did not think he could deal with it and almost turned around but then he thought about Lucas and what he would want Tony to do. Lucas would want him to do this in their room so he had to push past this fear and enter.

He went inside hesitantly and flipped on the lights. He slowly opened his eyes and let out the breath that he had not been aware he was holding. The room looked exactly like he had left it except Lucas's computer was sitting on his bed. There were no signs that screamed at him, 'LUCAS TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF.' There was nothing to indicate that anything was out of the ordinary. Tony could feel Lucas here more clearly than anywhere else on the ship except maybe the moonpool. This was Lucas's room and it spoke eloquently of his personality. His presence comforted Tony wrapping around him in almost a spiritual hug. Tony paused for a moment considering how he wanted to do this then walked over to his bed. He picked up Lucas's computer carefully, tenderly. Slowly he climbed onto the top bunk. Lucas's bunk. While he was waiting for the computer to load, he put on his special rose-colored glasses and made himself comfortable. Logging into his e-mail he opened the one from Lucas and slowly began to read:

Tony,

God, where to start? Look, I know I haven't been a very good friend to you lately. In fact, I've been pretty rotten. I'm really sorry about all that. I was wrong. There were a lot of reasons I acted the way I did. I didn't know how to deal with having authority. I'd never had any before. I'm afraid I was not very responsible with it. I was also jealous of you. I wanted Hudson to respect me the way he respects you. None of the changes bother you. You've been able to adapt right away when I can't cope with anything. I wish I had had you self-assurance. I seemed cocky but I questioned everything I did or thought or felt. I admire you. You've worked hard for what you've become. You struggle with the things that I find easy and yet I'm the failure.

You were jealous of me? I had no idea. I guess there are a lot of things that we did not know. The Captain has taught me a lot about life that I was too stupid and young to understand before but I can never be like you, Lucas. The Captain told me once that I reminded him of himself at my age. That's the only reason he wastes any time on me. He really pushes you though because he believes in you. He knows and so do I that you could be a better Captain than him or Bridger combined. I wish I could be half as good as you. As for the coping, I do not know if I am. Nothing in my life has gone the way I planned. I am just trying to salvage what is left of it. Maybe I am just hiding things the same way you did.

This is very hard to me. I am not the type of person who can bear my soul for all to see. Even given these circumstances I could not have told you any of this had I been sitting face to face with you. I can barely type out these words. I think the only thing that is giving me the courage to do so is the fact that if I don't you'll never know. I want you to know and to understand who I am and why I had to make this decision. You guys are my family and my friends but all my life I've been raised to deal with things by myself. I can't deal with things though. It's just too much for one person to bear. I wanted to go to one of you but I couldn't. I had been so horrible to you and I was afraid you would turn me away. Tim has enough to deal with without me adding to his burdens. The Commander and Lonnie are…well, you know and Dagwood doesn't understand. And the Captain? There is no way. I'm sure if I had come to you you all would have done your best to help but I just didn't know how. I tried. I begged and pleaded with everyone but I just couldn't reach outside of myself and actually ask for help. It's too late now. Even if I'm not successful or someone stops me first things are too fucked up for me to ever be able to put the pieces together again.

You could have told me. I wouldn't have turned you away. I can understand you being scared though. I wish I had seen it. I wish somehow I had known that you felt this way. We can still fix things though. If you wake up and you're OK we can make everything better. I promise. I will fix it. So you wake up. OK?

Why did all of this happen? What did we do to deserve all of this? I didn't want to join seaQuest. I hated my father for sticking me here but the truth is I was happy. That first tour was the happiest I have ever been. The Captain practically adopted me and Dr. Westphalen was like a mother to me. There was Ben and Katie and all of the others. The second tour was not the same. I missed Dr. Westphalen so much. It really hurt that she had decided to leave us. I tried to be understanding but it felt like everyone was leaving me again. You joined us during the second tour. What a nightmare that was. Seriously though, you being here helped me a lot. I'm really glad that you came into my life. The bad stuff started during that tour though. I could deal with everything up until that point but things started to unravel. There was the whole thing with Sandra then that mad psychic Clay Marshall. Not to mention Dagwood's evil twin and facing certain death half a dozen times. It was a wonder I didn't end up in the loony bin. I guess I should thank the Captain and you and Tim and Miguel for that. You guys kept me grounded. In more ways than one.

I would have liked to have met this Dr. Westphalen and the Commander Hitchcock. They sounded really cool. I wonder if any one has informed Ben. I am glad that I could help you deal with things. I wish that I was still able to help but you have shut everyone out. You know, you are right. We did get you grounded a lot. Sorry about that.

Things would have been fine if Hyperion had never happened but it did. I don't know how much you remember about what happened there. We aren't supposed to remember anything but sometimes I do. Little bits and pieces come back. They aren't enough to make me understand just enough to terrify me. I think I did some real bad things there but I can't remember enough to know. I remember Dagwood and water. So much water everywhere but I couldn't drink any of it and I was so thirsty. I remember thinking that everyone else was dead and it was my fault but I don't remember how it was my fault. I wish I knew. Maybe if I knew I wouldn't think that it was my fault Miguel and Wendy are dead.

We never talk about them you know. No one mentions Migs or Wendy. Even Brody and Fredericks are subjects to avoid. No one talks about the years we've lost or the lives that passed us by. It's not a good way to live. No one else can understand what we've been through. All we have are each other. With me gone there will just be the four of you. The Captain left us. We needed him the most and he wasn't here to help us. He can't understand any of the things that have gone on under Hudson anyway. We've all been trying to deal with things by ourselves but you can't do that anymore. Don't mess everything up like I did. Turn to each other. Help each other. Maybe if you embrace the past then together you can get through it and get on with your lives. It's OK to move on. I know you'll never forget them or me. We are bonded in ways that no one can break.

I do not remember anything at all but I know that you did not kill Wendy and Miguel. Nothing that happened there was your fault. It was horrible and never should have happened but it was not due to anything you did. I am not sure why none of us ever talk about it. I guess it is because none of us want to think about it. I know I try to avoid the subject if at all possible. It hurts too much. Once again you are right though. We do need to talk about this and deal with this. We need each other. Jonathan took us into his quarters tonight and we were talking about you. I felt better after talking to them. Maybe after this it will be easier. It could have been easier with you too though. Maybe we could have helped you to see things differently. We are all in this together. You should have let us help you. I do not want to lose you.

Do you remember when we first met? I'll never forget it. I didn't know what to think about you. All I knew was that the Captain was forcing me to share the only place I had to call my own and give up any pretense at having privacy. You burst in bringing posters of swimsuit models and this devil-may-care attitude. You took perverse pleasure in torturing me. I can't even remember when we stopped hating each other and became friends although to be fair hate is too strong a word. I guess it happened when we weren't looking. All I know is that somewhere in there you became my best friend. I thought of you like a brother. We had the arguments and the pranks and sometimes I wanted to kill you but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just wish things could have been better between us now. Maybe if we had talked more but I wasn't ready to talk. I'm still not but I don't have any time left.

They were very nice posters of swimsuit models besides I did not hear you complaining long. And I did NOT take perverse pleasure in torturing you. It was just plain fun. Besides it is not as if you never antagonized me. Man, we really did act like brothers. I wish I could get that relationship back.

There is a vid-disk in the top drawer of my desk. It has my good-byes to Dagwood and Darwin. Could you see that they get them? You can have anything of mine you want. That goes for the others too. I just wanted to tell you that you are going to be a great officer. Keep studying for you exams. I believe in you. You truly are my family. You are the brother I never had and I love you. Don't beat yourself up over this. It was the only way. There was nothing you could do. Goodbye, Tony. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Luke

I will make sure that they see the messages. I do not want your things. I want you to keep them. Live. Then you can help me study for my exams. We may have been a family but that did not keep you here. Be here with us. I don't want your thanks. I don't want your good-byes. I want you to live. I want you.

Tony realized that he was talking to an empty room and struggled to get control of his emotions. The note had been hard for him to read. At times it had made him laugh. At others it had made him cry. He was trying not to be angry at Lucas. He was trying not to be angry at himself. In the end he was merely sad that he only understood now when Lucas might never know. He closed down the computer and put away his glasses. It was time to find Tim.

"Tim," he said into his PAL. "I'm ready. Could you meet me outside of my room? OK Thanks."

Moments later there was a knock on the hatch to Tony's quarters. He opened the door to reveal a very tired, puffy eyed Tim. Tony slipped out his door locking it behind him. Without a word the two of them began the slow walk to medbay. Tony tried to keep his mind blank but he was afraid. He did not know what to expect. He came close to stopping and turning around several times but the thought of having to explain such an action to Tim stopped him. When they reached the medbay, he was very reluctant to enter. Tim had to accompany him inside. They made their way through the silent area into the private room where Lucas was kept. Tony's attention was immediately focused on the figure sitting beside the bed. The Captain.

"Gentlemen," greeted the Captain politely getting up and stretching. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Actually, sir, I'll join you," answered Tim leaving Tony alone in the room.

Lucas was lying still on the bed looking pale and vulnerable. There were machines and wires running everywhere. Oh, Luke. No. The hiss of the ventilator's mechanical breathing filled the room interrupted only by the beeping of other machines. Tony closed his eyes against the tears the sight of his friend brought. Lucas looked so fragile lying there. Tony was almost afraid to touch him but his hands reached out anyway brushing a lock of hair from Lucas's eyes then gripping his hand. He sat; half fell into the chair that the Captain had occupied previously.

"Lucas, how could you do this?" he asked softly to the motionless form. "There had to have been another way. This couldn't have been the only option. You can't leave us like this. No, you are just going to have to get better so we can fix everything. You have to get better. Please.

"It's not fair," he whispered beginning to cry. "It's just not fair. This is not the way things are supposed to be. You are not supposed to be there. You should be a normal happy nineteen year old. It's just not right.

"You did this to yourself. To us," he said stronger starting to become angry again. "You accused Captain Bridger of abandoning us when we needed him but so are you. How could you do this? How could you try to kill yourself when we've already lost Brody and Fredericks and everyone else? Why?!

"Why did you do this?" he shouted. "You had no right to do this to us! How could you?! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you Lucas Wolenczak! How could you leave us like this?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I don't hate you. I love you. We're brothers. I'm sorry. Please don't die."

"Sh, it's all right," soothed Tim putting his arms around Tony as he cried. The shouting had brought him and a nurse running. Handing Tim some pills she nodded towards the door. Getting the hint he began to steer Tony out of medbay. "Come on, Tony. Let's go lie down.

"Here, sit down," said Tim pushing Tony down onto his bunk as soon as he had gotten him back to his quarters. He handed Tony a glass of water and the pills. "Take these."

"Where am I?" asked Tony just now noticing that they were not in his quarters.

"You're in my room. Now, let's take your shoes off and get you to bed." Tony was too dazed to protest so he was soon snuggled into the covers and beginning to feel the effects of the sedative. Suddenly he remembered something and tried to sit up with a look of horror on his face. Tim easily pushed him back down onto the mattress.

"No, I have to get up. I have to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. Please, let me tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," babble Tony.

"He knows you didn't mean the things you said and you can tell him again tomorrow. He wants you to go to sleep right now. OK?" Tim soothed the younger man waiting for the medicine to take full effect.

"OK " he said yawning as sleep began to descend upon him despite his protests. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Tony," he replied softly to the now sleeping man. He sat watching him for a moment thinking about how young Tony looked when he was asleep. He really was not that much older than Lucas himself. Sighing, Tim began to ready himself for bed.