At long last, I have another section to update. I did not
intend for there to be this long of a wait but problems arose that prevented me
from working on this. Once I began writing on it again, I found it very hard to
get back in character. This section took almost a month to write. I can not
tell you when the next part will be up but I will update eventually. This story
will be finished. Thank you to everyone
who has been reviewing and asking me to continue this piece. You helped me find
the initiative to continue. -- Unique
Lonnie listened is frozen silence to the activities taking place around her. She was only dimly aware of the Captain leaving the bridge. She brushed tears from her face that she had not realized were there until just now. 'Oh, Lucas,' she thought, 'not him too.' She had seen enough death for a lifetime in the past year. She did not need more especially someone like Lucas like this. Suicide was…was… Her mind froze replaying the seconds leading up to the gunshot that echoed in her ears like the ringing of a bell. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry." She wiped her face again. She was on duty. She shouldn't be crying on the bridge. Get yourself together. The sound of the bridge opening brought her attention outward.
"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive," stuttered Tony, sending chills of relief down Lonnie's spine. She heaved a sob and closed her eyes barely registering the rest of his statement. She opened them to watch Tim hesitantly embrace Tony. She moved to join them but something told her that they needed to be alone. The Commander began issuing orders and the choice was taken away from her.
"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford. Lonnie glanced over at her cold, dispassionate face and wondered how anyone could fail to react to a tragedy like what had just transpired. "Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us."
"Yes, sir," she replied immediately jumping to the task. Sex or no sex, when they were on the bridge, it was strictly professional. Mentally she made a list of Lucas's closets friends and subtracted the ones on duty at the time. As the secondary crew arrived, she took a few aside to speak with privately. "Ensign, you were friends with Ensign Wolenczak were you not?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the kid swallowing nervously.
"Lucas tried to kill himself earlier this morning. He's still alive but we are gathering in the wardroom until there is further word. Would you like to join us?" she asked gently.
"I- why would he do that?" he asked horrified.
"I don't know. Hopefully, he left a note, which will be read, in the wardroom. I really think you should join us or at least take this shift off. Is there someone who can take your place?"
"Yeah, I mean yes, sir. I- I'm sorry." The ensign gave up fighting and let his tears fall.
"It's OK. This is hard for all of us." She patted him encouraging on the back and gave him a slight hug before taking aside the next one. It took her a couple of minutes to talk with the handful in the secondary crew. Tony and Tim were still oblivious to their surroundings and she noticed Jonathan moving towards them. Giving her friends one last glance, she left the bridge to bring the sad news to those who still needed to know. The one she looked forward to the least was Dagwood. She did not know how she could bear to tell him so she left him for last. By the time she had informed everyone else, she was crying non-stop. She had hugged more people than she could count but the hugs had ceased to comfort her in the least. She had just started to search for Dagwood when she came across him mopping in a corridor.
"Hey, Dagwood," said she said trying to smile at the big man through her tears.
"Hello, Lonnie. Why are you cry-ing?" She frantically thought of a way to tell him but could not come up with anything.
"All of Lucas's friends are gathering in the wardroom. Will you join us?" She did not want to be the one who informed him about Lucas so she did not tell them whey they were gathering.
"Mmm…Lucas is having a party?" he asked. He was obviously confused not that she could blame him.
"Kind of. We will explain it to you later. OK?" Hopefully, someone else could handle that task.
"Mmm…OK." He docilely followed her down the hall to the wardroom. Once there, she hurried to take her leave of him. She loved Dagwood but right now she could not deal with his innocence.
"How are you doing?" she stopped to ask one person chatting for a moment. She offered comfort to them tactilely hugging them or patting them on the arm and back. "You holding up OK?" she asked the next. She saw one of the women who had been on the bridge at the time and made her way towards her. "Hey," she told her. "I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk about this, you can come to me."
"Thanks," replied the woman smiling at her sadly. Lonnie patted her on the shoulder and moved on. She looked up and saw Tony and Tim coming and her tenuous composure broke. She burst into tears as she moved forward to meet them.
"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both.
"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. She was just getting herself under control when she felt Tony pull away from her. She looked up to see Jonathan crossing the room coming in their direction. She turned to Tony and read some of his thoughts on his face and did not question his reaction. She was embraced in Jonathan's strong, safe arms and she buried her face in his shoulder. He caressed her hair soothing her as she let herself cry. She felt guilty for being comforted by his presence. Glad that he was there, she squeezed him tight never wanting to let go.
"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. She could feel the vibrations of his vocal cords as he spoke. Relaxing, she swayed into him. His uniform ceased to soak up her tears but she kept her face buried anyway. The tensing of his muscles told her that the Captain had entered the room. Slowly, reluctantly, she twisted herself around so that she was facing the Hudson. He had reached the head of the table and began to speak.
"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." Lonnie reached down the wrap her fingers through Jonathan's hand. He squeezed back pulling her closer.
"I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me," read Hudson from the computer. "More people dying or leaving…I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did…. Please forgive me. Goodbye." Lonnie listened to the words and alternated between sorrow that Lucas could be so unhappy and anger that he would do something like that to us. Some friend he was to knowingly hurt everyone. The anger burst and disappeared as the last words registered in her brain. A grief so strong that it tore at her soul lanced through her and she would have collapsed had it not been for Jonathan's support. Clinging to him, she remained standing but she could not fight the fresh flood of tears that ran from her tired, aching eyes.
"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," stated Dr. Perry calmly. She continued on but Lonnie tuned out the more scientific terms. "The prognosis is uncertain. Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving. That may change in the next few hours." Lonnie clung to these words her mind refusing to listen to the details that followed. Word that they would be allowed to visit him brought relief to her. In her mind, once she saw him maybe it would all vanish and everything would be fine again.
"Everyone should sign up for times to visit Lucas," started Hudson standing up to speak again. " Unless you would like to continue working, you may all have the next two days off. We have a lot to come to terms with and I want everyone to remember that you are not alone in this. Lucas mentioned good-byes in his note so I would assume that many if not all of you will find e-mails from him when you next check your mail. Be prepared. I will leave the wardroom open for anyone who wants to still gather here. Now if you'll excuse me I will be in my cabin." Lonnie's awareness of her surroundings resurfaced when Jonathan gently pushed her away. She knelt by Tony who was sobbing on the floor. Jonathan went and got him a cup of coffee. She held onto his side when he returned. Tony looked horrible and Lonnie's heart went out to him.
"I'm going to go see Lucas," murmured Tim quietly to them. They nodded agreement never breaking their focus on Tony. Lonnie did her best to not think focusing on the sound of Jonathan's heartbeat. She didn't want to think about the past few hours. Time passed and Tim returned nudging Jonathan. He gave her a quick squeeze then gently disentangled himself from her arms. The entire time that he was gone Tony did not look up. All too soon Jonathan was back and it was her turn to visit medbay. She did not know if she could handle seeing Lucas just now. Hesitantly, she entered the medbay looking around for a nurse to direct her.
"Looking for Lucas's room?" asked one coming into the room. "He's right this way." The nurse motioned towards a room off to the side and Lonnie moved forward before she could stop herself. The sight of Lucas lying in the bed so helplessly made her burst into tears again.
"Oh, Lucas," she cried. "How could you do this to yourself? This wasn't the way." She sat beside him trying to ignore the medical devices and sounds around her. She was very uncomfortable in hospitals and while the medbay was not exactly a hospital it was close enough. She was not able to stay as long as she would have liked before the atmosphere chased her from his side. When she returned to the wardroom, Tony had calmed his tears and he was more aware of his surrounding.
"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently.
"No!" Tony was not ready for that yet.
"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated Jonathan firmly. . "You are all coming with me to my quarters." Lonnie gave him a curious glance but she did not protest as they all stood silently and followed Jonathan to his room. She sat beside him at the table waiting for Tony to stop staring. She did not know what he had expected Jonathan to have in his quarters but this was obviously not it. Jonathan and her exchanged a quick amused glance. Tony finished his inspection and joined them at the table.
"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Lonnie eyed the glass for a second then gulped it down. She gasped involuntarily. It burned like fire trailing down her throat. Jonathan could have warned her first. He put the bottle away and turned back to them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."
"But Jon…" began Lonnie.
"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," stated Jonathan looking at them. Lonnie looked at him dubiously. She did not think that this was appropriate considering the gravity of the situation. Perhaps he was not taking this as well as they had thought. Before she could voice her concerns, he launched into a tale about Captain Bridger meeting Lucas. When he finished, she found herself laughing at the image of the legendary Captain and the bratty over-intelligent teenager. It lightened the mood considerably allowing them a chance to recover some from the draining day. Tim and Jonathan began talking about Hitchcock and Lucas designing the Stinger. Lonnie had often been compared to the illustrious Hitchcock and was often found lacking. Combined with the rumors of a liaison between her and Jonathan, Lonnie found herself very jealous of the other woman. Even with Hitchcock dead, especially with her dead, Lonnie felt the weight of the comparison. She watched Jonathan smiling at the memories and kept silent.
"I remember when you first joined seaQuest. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Lonnie smiled slightly remembering that pool. Tony and Lucas had been oil and water. No one thought they'd end up best friends. But then no one thought she'd last out the tour. There's been a pool for that too. How many days would it take for Bridger to kick Henderson off the bridge?
"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?" continued Tony when Lonnie was listening again.
"Not yet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered Jonathan. She reached over and gently rubbed his back. She knew it was going to be hard for them to go through that.
"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" asked Tony to Tim laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."
"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan.
"How did you know about that?" asked Tim.
"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie. She shook her head. They honestly thought there were secrets on this boat?
"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.
"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother." She grinned at how red Tony's face became.
"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."
"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim.
"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie. He had been so nervous about letting anyone know about their relationship in the beginning. The crew was not stupid however and everyone knew about them well in advance.
"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter.
"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"
"That was amazing."
"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.
"Not always," replied Jonathan with a knowing glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him. Lucas had had a crush on her at one time or another. She hadn't minded and he had understood that she did not share the feelings.
"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected." She had seen and done things that she would never had guessed she was capable of doing. She had lost a lot of her innocent side but had gained maturity.
"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past.
"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully. "Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."
"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too. Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do." They nodded and he got up to leave. Tim followed him and they spoke quietly by the door for a few minutes. When Tony left, he came back.
"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while. I told Tony I would go with him to medbay later and I need some time to myself first."
"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie.
"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."
"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."
Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then." He closed the door as he left, leaving the two of them alone for the first time since their world had been disrupted again.
Ford slid closer and took her into his arms. He bent down to kiss for forehead. "So how are you holding up?" he asked.
"I don't know. It doesn't seem real. I haven't really been able to think."
"You can't block it out," he told her gently.
"I know. It's just hard and I wanted to be there for everyone else. How about you?"
"The same. I don't know if I can keep it together tomorrow if I let go now." He sighed and rubbed his face. "How am I going to tell them?"
"You'll manage. I promise." She held him tight. They sat silently thinking about Lucas. Lonnie tried to picture him smiling and laughing as he played with Darwin but the image of him lying helpless in the hospital bed was overpowering. She realized suddenly that she had not seen Lucas smiling in a long time. She gained a little understanding into why Lucas had chosen the path he had. She wondered how she could have missed all of the signs. There are always signs before someone does something like this aren't there? "Why didn't we see it coming?"
"I don't know." She looked at Jonathan realizing she had said the last thought out loud. She placed her head against his chest, sighing.
"I just feel like I should have known. I should have been able to help him."
"I think we all feel like that. Lucas was," he paused and corrected himself, "is one of the most popular and important people on this boat. He grew up here and we were lucky enough to be able to watch. He holds us together somehow." He shook his head unable to properly express what he meant.
"Lucas made seaQuest seem less like a war ship and more like a home."
"Yeah. It took me a long time to understand why he actually made us better."
"He's special." They fell silent again. The challenge of voicing their emotions was something they were too drained to continue. Some time later, Lonnie shifted from the protection of his embrace. "I'm going to go to my room," she said quietly. "I'd like to check my e-mail."
"I'll check on you later." He stood and helped her up. Walking her to the door, he gave her one last hug. She regretfully left his room hurrying to her quarters. She did not want to take the chance of running into anyone on the way. The corridors were almost completely vacant. The news had spread rapidly through the boat creating a very somber mood. Lonnie reached her door and slipped inside unnoticed. Her computer was already on so all she had to do was pull up her e-mail. Sitting down and making herself comfortable, she opened the one from Lucas and began to read.
Dear Lonnie,
I
don't know quite what to say. I know you are going to try and take care of
everyone else. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Things are going to be
hard on you. I wish there was a way I could change that but I can't so I'm sorry.
You're
a wonderful, beautiful person. I know that you have a hard time believing this
but it's true. The Commander is lucky to have you for a girlfriend. You aren't
the same person you were when you joined us. You have grown up here as much as
I did. Whatever anyone tells you or insinuates, never forget that you have
worked hard for everything you earned and nothing was given to you.
I
never thanked you for the wonderful things you did for Tony and Dagwood. I am
grateful for everything you did for us and I wish I could have done half as
much. I admire you and envy you
in many ways. You and Tony are alike. You are great at adapting and handling
things. I just fall apart when things change. I wish I could stay as well
balanced as you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. If I had been
able to come to someone about this, you would have been one of the first I went
to. Do not blame yourself for not seeing this coming. It was something that had
to be done even if you can not see my reasoning.
Take
care of the Commander. He needs you. I'm glad that I had the honor of being
your friend. I love you dearly. Give Addison a hug for me. Goodbye.
Lucas
Lonnie wiped the tears from her eyes struggling to read the last few lines through the blur. Lucas had hit very close to home on many of his comments. She was afraid of what people thought of her abilities. Sometimes she was afraid that she was not really qualified and that she had just gotten the job because of her pretty face. In this letter, he did the same thing for her that she had done for Tony and Dagwood but he'd never know that. She did not understand how someone so selfless and wonderful could be completely oblivious to how great he was. How could Lucas thing that he was meaningless? Why did Lucas miss something that even Jonathan knew? She wanted to take him into her arms and hug him and tell him how much he meant to everyone and that he did not need to do this horrible thing but it was too late he already had. Lucas was going to die and there was so much he'd never know. He'd never know love from a woman who thought he was the center of her world. He'd never see SeaQuest become a research vessel again. He wouldn't see Tony become an officer. He wouldn't…The thoughts hurt too much to continue.
She stumbled off of her bunk pushing her computer to the floor. Blindly she searched her drawers until she located her bear. Squeezing him tight, she sobbed. Sinking to the floor, she curled around her bear and cried well past the point where her eyes stopped producing tears. Brody's death had hit her hard but to lose Lucas was something so incomprehensible that it tore at her very soul. She could not picture a seaQuest without Lucas. There could not be such a thing. Everything that was left from before would be gone. The boat that Bridger captained would no longer exist for all that there were still crewmembers on board. All she could see in her future was the great blackness of war.
She felt herself being lifted and she opened her sore, blood-shot eyes. Jonathan was carrying her to her bunk. Throwing her arms around him, she began to sob again. "He's going to be gone and it's not fair! Why did he do this? Why didn't he let us help? It's just not fair!" He pressed her up against him and rocked soothing her like he would a small child.
"It's all right. Let it out. It all right." He bent down and pressed his cheek against hers allowing their tears to mingle. They stayed there like that well into the night, joined together by grief and by love. Their only comfort was in their touch continuously confirming that they were not alone in this. Sometimes words were spoken. More often none were needed. At some point in the night, the tears dried and sleep claimed them. Tomorrow would be more of the same: crying, waiting, grieving and eventually healing.