Once again it was a long wait but I have written the next part of the story. This story is hard to write continuously because I have to be in the right frame of mind. I hope everyone is still following the story and that this lives up to everyone's expectations. I tentatively plan to write Ford's part next followed by Krieg, Westphalen, Bridger and finally O'Neill.
Heiko Kimura was shocked, her eyes wide with horror. Like the rest of the crew instant comprehension tore through her like an icy flood at the echoing sound of the gunshot. Suicide. It was the ultimate failure, the greatest humiliation, the fate of cowards and weaklings. Suicide went against everything she had been taught. The victim was to be forgotten, his very memory wiped from existence to minimize the dishonor to his family. An image of Lucas fluttered through her mind and a wave of nausea rose within her until she shut off the thinking portion of her brain and focused her attention on Hudson.
Hudson was shouting at O'Neill who was equally upset. Kimura felt disgust at these so-called soldiers. How pathetic. They could not adequately respond to the emergency because they were incapable of controlling their emotions. She moved to a console and traced Wolenczak's location herself.
"Storage Room 85,sir," answered O'Neill just as Kimura opened her mouth. She looked at him irritated that he had called out the location before she could. When she focused her attention back on Hudson she saw him running off the bridge. It amazed her that a military vessel could operate like this. None of these overemotional pansies would make it a day among the Chaodai. If this was the best the UEO had to offer she would hate to see the worst. She returned to her station and began performing her duty calmly and efficiently ignoring the rest of the crew. A change in the mood of the room alerted her to the return of Piccolo. Turning to watch him she wondered why she was eager for news on Wolenczak.
"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," he stuttered through his tears. Crying on the bridge. What kind of military was this? Next thing they'll be letting children join. Oh, wait, they already have. Kimura watched O'Neill go over and hug Piccolo. The display of friendship and grief only furthered Kimura's disgust at the crew's reaction.
"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford. There was a man who knew how to control his emotions and perform his duty. You would not see him falling apart in a tough situation. Kimura quickly obeyed his order while he continued. "Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us."
Having completed her task, Kimura returned her focus to the Commander. He stood in the center of the room. The only sign of his inner turmoil was the drumming of his fingers against his thigh. He was watching O'Neill and Piccolo who were still so wrapped up in their grief that a missile could have hit the boat and neither would have noticed. Henderson and a few other crewmen sat at their stations with tears running down their cheeks. That woman was much too flaky to be in the chain of command. Kimura rose from her station and stepped out of the way as the next crewman arrived to take her place. She watched with interest as Ford gave over the bridge to a woman Kimura had only met a few times. Having completed his duty, he allowed himself feel his emotions and he moved hesitantly towards the two men still standing near the door and embraced them. Not wanting to watch any longer, she hurried off the bridge in search of the solitude of her quarters.
Sitting on the floor by her bed, she closed her eyes and focused on taking deep breaths until she felt herself relax. When she felt human again, she opened her eyes and stood up. Having distanced herself from the soldier mentality, she no longer felt disgust towards the seaQuest crew. She still did not see how they could operate like that falling apart emotionally whenever something happened but she knew that their ship-wide bond and friendships were what made the seaQuest the best boat in the UEO. They were a family and she was just an outsider. She knew with a slight twinge in her heart that she would never be a part of that family. If something were to happen to her they would more likely rejoice than feel any concern. She had made few connections with the crew. It was mostly her fault. She had spent so long being the perfect soldier. It was easy for her to maintain that persona but hard for her to let down the walls except for times like these alone in her quarters. Perhaps that was why she admired the Commander so much. He was able to perform his duties in a professional, respectable manner and still let his guard down during the times when he could be simply a friend.
She did not know how to be like that. The Chaodai had wanted only soldiers. Emotions and relationships were things to overcome. She had only been free to be herself while in the privacy of her own quarters. They would not have been happy that she acknowledged her humanity at any time but she had refused to give that part of her up. It saddened her that she had to hide her humanity here too but she was not welcome here and she knew better than to give them anything to use against her. The topic brought her thoughts back around to Lucas. She had not been able to focus on the matter while on the bridge but here she could sort out her feelings.
The turmoil within her rose as her knowledge of Lucas battled against the beliefs that had been instilled into her since childhood. Even her parents had taught her that suicide was shameful and cowardly but somehow she could not make her apply that to Lucas no matter what he had done. He was so young yet he had faced many horrible things in his life that he had responded to with courage and honor. His intelligence was legendary yet it was everything else that made him so special. She could not damn him for what he had done. She had no right to do that when she could not have endured half of what he had lived through. Not only had he survived but he had done so with his morals and beliefs intact. He had kept his humanity when she had had to hide hers. She realized that not only did she respect him but she also admired him. It felt strange to admire someone so much younger than herself. She felt relieved though to have sorted out her view on the matter. It was not often that her own beliefs went against her parents' teachings but she could not condemn Lucas.
That decided she knew she would have to go to the wardroom. She did not really want to go to such a public place at a time like this. The thought of Lucas lying dead or dying in some storage room hurt and she did not want the others to see her emotions. She knew they would probably be angry at her presence and force her to leave but she had to go to show her support for him. Calming herself, she kept an iron reign on her feelings keeping them deep within where only she would know they were there. She schooled her expression into one of boredom and neutrality then left the room.
The wardroom was more crowded than she expected and she almost left. She slipped through the crowd and made her way to a corner where she positioned herself protectively. She watched the people but did not focus on any particular person. She wanted to catch any signs of aggression but she did not want to see their grief. If she allowed their grief to reach her, she risked responding to it. She felt more alone standing in this room than she had at any other point during her stay on SeaQuest. She did not know how much time passed before the Captain entered the room. Briefly his eyes met her and she had to still her hand to keep from saluting him. He began to speak and she stored his words to examine later in private. She did not want to put any more stress on her already straining emotional barriers. She listened to the Doctor's prognosis dispassionately noting them for later as well. The only thing she heard clearly was the Captain telling all of them to go and visit Lucas and the part about the e-mails. As soon as the Captain left the room, she slipped out too and headed down to the moonpool.
Sitting on the edge of the pool, she took her shoes off and dangled her feet into the water. Lucas and her used to sit and talk here a lot. He was the only member of the crew she felt comfortable with. She had nightmares about the battle that won her freedom and her parent's deaths. He had nightmares about other things. Neither wanted anyone else to know about it so when they caught each other sneaking down here to think they began to confide in each other. She told him stories about her childhood and how difficult it was to adapt to a new culture. She could understand about him coming back to a world completely different than the one he left. The world she was in was newer to her than it was to him. He talked to her about Tim, too. He wanted her to apologize but what kind of apology would make up for what she had done. She was worried that they were going to send her away from the SeaQuest which was the closest thing she had to a home anymore but she knew that Lucas looked at the boat as an entirely different story. Not only was it the only thing he knew, it was his home and his safe haven. If she had had a place like that, she would rather die than leave it too. Now that she knew his reasons, she found that she could not blame him. Irrationally she was still angry and hurt that he would do something like that to himself and to her.
She did not know how to deal with grief. She had never had a chance to properly mourn her parents so their death was still an open, aching wound for her. She was not sure that she could bare the burden of another gaping wound. The thought of a SeaQuest without Lucas was a frightening one. At some point during their late night discussions, he had become the anchor for her sanity. He kept her grounded here where everything was new and strange and the hatred targeted at her weighed her down. If it were not for him, she would hate all of them, too. She could not keep her humanity without love or hope. The question was did those things exist for her anymore. Was she now trapped behind her walls forever? Seeking to stop her train of thoughts, she dried off her feet and made her way back to her quarters.
The boat was silent. The air was thick with sorrow. She kept her head down to avoid meeting the eyes of any passing crewmembers. The light glistened off her cheeks as solitary tears found trickling paths down her face. Reaching her quarters, she locked the door behind her and shut off anything that would allow communication in from the outside. She shuffled through her CD's looking for her lone music CD. Placing it in the player, she closed her eyes and drifted among the soothing sounds of her childhood. Lucas has made the CD for her. One night after she finished telling him about dancing through her kitchen with her mother, they had spent hours searching through databases of old song files until she found the exact one she had danced to so long ago. He had bowed to her asking if he may have this dance. She had laughed and replied yes and they had spent the night dancing around the moonpool. Later, he insisted that they continue the search through the database and he eventually downloaded all of the songs she had found onto a CD for her. She wondered suddenly if he had sent her an e-mail. She curled up in her bed, wiping her face with the blankets she wrapped around herself. Hesitantly, she started her computer. She pulled up her e-mail program both afraid that there would be one from Lucas and afraid that there would not be. There was one. She took a deep breath to prepare herself then opened it.
Kim,
What can I say to my beautiful Kim? I think of all the members of SeaQuest I have hurt you the most by my actions. I can never express how sorry I am that I had to do this to you. My only consolation is that hope that maybe this will be the spark that gets you and Tim speaking again. You may hate me for my decision and I can understand that if you do. There is no guilt in feeling that way. I can understand if you never forgive me for my betrayal.
I hate that my actions have left you alone here. If there was any other way, I would have gladly taken it but you must see how limited my options were. I could not leave SeaQuest. She is my home. She is my family. I know that you who long so much for a family and home of your own will understand what she means to me. I would have been lost without her. I am not as strong as you are, dear Kimura. Being sent away would have destroyed me. This is the only way that I could stay.
I am afraid that I never adequately expressed what you mean to me. I love you, Kim. I love everything about you even the soldier that you both love and despise. The bond between us goes far beyond friendship. Our souls connect us. I am your brother and you are my sister. We are kin. We are family. I am sorry that I must take that away from you. I promise that I will always be with you. We are bonded forever. You will never see me again or touch me again but I am here. I will watch over you.
You need watching over, Kim. I worry about you. One day you are going to have to let down that wall of you and let the world see the wonderful person that I know you to be. I am sorry that I will not be here to see that day. I am sorry that I will not be here for you to lean on until that day arrives. You are not a machine, Kim. You are a beautiful, loving, thoughtful human being. You can not keep going the way you have been or you will be destroyed. You will be lost like I am and I would not wish that on my worst enemy, which you most certainly are not. Trust my friends. Do not blame them or yourself for what happened to me. They would have tried to help me if I had let them just as you would have tried. I made the decision not to let anyone in because I knew that the effort was futile and I sought to protect you. They are confused by you and their feelings. Tim is hurt and they feel that they would be betraying him if they let you in. If you can make peace with Tim, the rest will follow. Please talk to Tim. I am begging you, Kim. You love him. He still has feelings for you. It will not be easy to rebuild the trust that was lost but if you can then you will gain something worth fighting for. You will have love. Go to him. Talk. Please.
I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry that I can not be here the way you need me to be. Just remember that I love you and that there was no other way. Maybe one day you will see that this was for the best.
Love forever,
Your brother Lucas
Kimura bowed her head as she closed the e-mail. She could not control the flow of tears so she gave into them. Burying her face in her blankets, she sobbed. She cried because she lost her best friend. She cried because she lost her family, both her parents and her brother. She cried for herself because without Lucas she was lost and she did not know if she would ever be able to find herself again. Her body shook and her chest ached from the sobs but she could not stop them. Eventually, her breaths slowed and her body stilled but still the tears poured from beneath her eyelids. Without noticing, she slipped into a dream but was unable to escape her grief even there.
When she awoke, it was the middle of the night. Her eyes felt hot, and sticky as the forced them open. A glance in the mirror revealed them to be red and puffy. She glanced down at her uniform frowning at the wrinkles. She brushed at one of them then decided that she did not care. She tried to bring up her shields to protect her before she left her room but they crumbled under the pressure. Hoping that she would not run into anyone, she left anyway. The corridors were empty as most of the crew was asleep or off trying to deal with the day's events. She made her way to medbay without running into anyone. The night nurse glanced up at her but did not pay her any attention. She no longer noticed the constant coming and goings to Lucas's room.
Kimura noticed Darwin before she saw Lucas. She nodded to their sometime discussion companion before turning her attention to the center-point of the room. A sorrowful sigh escaped her lips, as she took in the view. Lucas looked so tiny and vulnerable lying buried among the sheets, wires, and tubes. She traced one tube that was bringing fluids in and another tube that was bringing fluids out of him. Mixed in were the electrodes that fed data to the machines scattered about the room displaying their ever-changing charts. The sounds of the ventilator intertwined with the beep of the heart monitor to provide an almost reassuring melody. She unconsciously held her breath waiting for a barrage of alarms whenever the monitor skipped a beat.
"Oh, Lucas," she breathed quietly pulling up a chair beside him. She reached over and grasped his hand giving it a tight squeeze. With her free hand, she brushed back his hair feeling the strands part between her fingers. "If I could trade places with you, I would," she continued softly. "You have so much to live for. You mean so much to so many people. How are we supposed to go along without you? How am I supposed to do this alone?" Her tears dripped silently onto their hands.
"It should have been me. I should have been the one being sent off of SeaQuest not you. I should have been the one to give up, not you. You are so strong. You do not give up. You are Lucas. You can do anything. Except maybe live," she said sadly, looking at his face. "I did not know I meant so much to you. I never would have guessed. I hope you know that you meant the world to me. I love you. You are my sanity, my hope. I do not know what I am going to do without you."
"You'll carry on," said a familiar voice softly. She spun around to see Tim standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes. A harsh response jumped to her lips but she pushed it back when she saw the expression on his face.
"Hey," she said uncertainly instead.
"Hey," he replied equally uncertain. He moved closer to stare down at Lucas. He seemed to make a decision standing there because when he looked up he met her eyes. "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee with me?" he asked.
"Yes," she said surprised that she meant it. "I would like that. Can I have a second?" He nodded and moved back to wait in the doorway.
"Thank you," she whispered to Lucas bending down to kiss his forehead. "I promise that I will never forget you, brother," she said giving his hand a last squeeze. Squaring her shoulders resolutely, she turned and accompanied Tim out of the room. She did not know what she would find with Tim. Maybe they would just share a cup of coffee. Maybe they would rekindle a friendship or even more. She did not know but she owed it to Lucas to find out.