'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' Jonathan Ford's mind reeled as those words and the gunshot that followed echoed in his thoughts. He stared at his Captain's retreating back trying to assimilate his churning thoughts into something that resembled order. He tried in vain to think of something to tell the crew. Looking over the shell-shocked crowd, he decided that it was for the better that he could not think of anything for them to do. Lonnie was crying. Tim was shaking. Even Kimura looked shocked. He paced in front of the Captain's chair struggling to keep himself calm while he waited for the Captain to send word back to them. Hearing the doors cycle open, he turned to watch Tony enter the room.
"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," stated Tony through his tears. Ford saw movement out of the corner of his eye and Tim stepped forward to comfort Tony. Jonathan nodded once glad that someone more qualified had been there to console Piccolo. Turning to face the rest of the crew, he began issuing orders.
"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford before turning to face his girlfriend. "Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us." He moved to the center of the room and stood there drumming his fingers against his thigh. He watched Tim and Tony worriedly but made no move to separate them.
"Commander," greeted Lieutenant Salvador as she entered the bridge.
"Lieutenant, thank you for coming to take over for me. Circumstances being what they are you might have to bring in some replacements for some of your crew. They may not be able to work once they hear the news."
"Yes, sir. I am sorry to hear about Ensign Wolenczak. I know all of you were close to him."
"Thank you. Yes, we were all very close," he replied stepping back to allow her to assume command. Now that he was able to set aside his responsibility, he was able to open himself up more to the situation. The Lieutenant's words brought tears to his eyes but he made no move to wipe them away as he hesitantly closed the distance between him and Tony and Tim. With the new shift on the bridge, they needed to be relocated but he was uncertain as to how to interrupt the duo. They separated as he reached them and he hesitantly placed a hand on their shoulders. He was surprised when they opened up to include him in their group. Tony stepped back and glanced around the bridge before looking to Ford for an explanation. "I thought it best we give you a few minutes. Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"
The waiting room was empty when they reached Medbay but the nurses came out to inform them that Lucas was in surgery. 'Surgery,' repeated Jonathan mentally trying to decide if that was a good or bad thing. The nurse could not give them any other update on his condition at this time so he had nothing else to go on. He wondered what could have brought Lucas to this point. He had known that Lucas was having a hard time adjusting to the new SeaQuest but nothing had led him to believe that things had gotten this bad. He tried to think back and find the signs that he must have missed but his mind was coming up blank.
"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" Tim whispered to the silent room.
"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head." Jonathan swallowed hard at the sudden mental image. He had not realized exactly where Lucas had shot himself and now he had a much grimmer view of his chances of recovery. Unable to sit still any longer, he began to pace the length of chairs. Jonathan heard a sound behind him and turned to see the Captain watching them. The Captain looked tired. His red-rimmed eyes shimmered with tears he refused to shed. Jonathan waited for the Captain to speak but he just sat heavily in a chair. With a last glance at his commanding officer, he resumed his pacing. They waited patiently in silence. The only sound in the room was their breathing and the soft, shuffle of his shoes against the tile.
"Commander, would you go check on the bridge crew?" ordered Hudson. Jonathan gave him a quizzical look but nodded and left the room. He knew that there was no reason that the bridge crew should need to be checked. When he entered the bridge, the atmosphere in there was oppressive. Every person on duty turned around to watch him. He barely took the time to glance around and verify that everything was running normal before he was hurrying back out the door. He was on his way back to Medbay when his PAL went off. "Commander, make sure everyone is gathered in the ward room who should be there. I have a note from Lucas that needs to be read and the doctor will be coming up in a few minutes to update us on his condition."
He entered the wardroom surprised at how crowded it was. He knew that most people were friends with Lucas but it was different to see them all in one room. He spotted Lonnie across the room in Tim and Tony's arms. As he watched, Tim pulled himself away from the pair leaving Lonnie with her arms around Tony. Poor Tony. He was not holding up very well. Their eyes met for a brief moment and Tony quickly removed himself from Lonnie's arms. Ford hurriedly closed the distance between them. He took one look at Lonnie's tear streaked face and wrapped her in his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder. He could feel her shaking as she cried. He gently stoked her hair as he looked at the other men over her head. "The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. He held Lonnie silently until the Captain entered the room and began to make his statement.
"I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left," read Hudson off of the file. Ford closed his eyes in pain cursing himself for never seeing just how poorly Lucas had been adjusting to the changes. Lucas did not have the temperament for the military but he had joined up in order to stay on the boat. Ford saw now that so many of his actions had been desperate attempts to adjust. He had been desperate to stay with the crew because they were the only family he had left. Like on many occasion since Hudson had taken over, Ford wondered maybe things would have been better for Lucas if Captain Bridger had offered him a place with him. He sighed knowing that the responsibility of informing Bridger was likely to fall on his shoulders. Jonathan continued to listen to Lucas's note. He could not help but cry at how lost and alone Lucas sounded. He felt Lonnie waver as the note ended and he held her more tightly in his grip so that she would not fall.
Standing straight, he listened intently to Dr. Perry as she stood up and began to speak. The fifty-fifty chance of survival was higher than he had hoped for but her definition of survival was a sobering one. He tried to imagine Lucas what Lucas would be like if he was not a genius or if he was not the sweet, friendly person everyone loved but found that he could not. He realized with sorrow that whatever happened their Lucas was probably gone forever. He listened silently as the doctor finished and the Captain got up to speak again. He nodded approvingly as the Captain gave everyone in the room time off of work. He also made a mental note to check his e-mail in case Lucas had sent him something. When he finished speaking, Jonathan gently pushed Lonnie away from him. He nodded to Tony who was sitting on the floor sobbing. While Lonnie knelt beside Tony, Jonathan hurried to get him a cup of coffee.
"I'm going to go see Lucas," murmured Tim. Ford nodded at him then knelt beside Tony handing him the cup of coffee. Tony stared at the cup for a moment watching the ripples that his trembling hands caused before taking a swallow. He glanced up to meet Jonathan's eyes. Ford felt like crying all over again as he saw the pain shining back at him through Tony's eyes. Tony glanced around then looked questioningly to Jonathan.
"Tim is down in medbay seeing Lucas. Would you like to go down?" Tony shook his head then turned his focus back to his coffee. Jonathan and Lonnie exchanged worried glances but left him alone. Time passed and Tim returned nudging Jonathan. He gave Lonnie a quick squeeze then gently disentangled himself from her arms. He walked slowly down to Medbay arriving there as Lucas's previous visitor was leaving. He nodded to the nurse then went on in the room. He sighed softly at the sight of Lucas lying there so helpless.
"I know we've never been close," he began reaching down to hold Lucas's hand. "You still could have come to me. I would not have let Hudson throw you off of the boat. Maybe if you had talked to one of us, things would not have seemed so bad. I just can't understand why you would do this. You should have let us help you." He sighed again trying not to give in to the hopeless feeling. Gently, he patted Lucas's hand then left the room. There would be time later to visit Lucas again. Right now, Jonathan was needed to help his friends. Tony was still staring at his cup of coffee when he returned to the wardroom. Jonathan touched Lonnie on the shoulder indicating that it was her turn to go visit Lucas. Shortly before she returned, Tony looked up to meet their worried faces.
"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently once Lonnie had rejoined the group.
"No!" responded Tony emphatically.
"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated Jonathan firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters." He did not want Tony to be alone yet and he could not ask Tim to look after him so the logical choice was to keep them together. He hoped that by bringing them to his quarters, they might be able to relax a little. He knew that they were looking at him oddly but they had no choice but to obey his order. He led them to his quarters pausing inside while they became adjusted to the surroundings. Tony in particular seemed impressed with the room. While they were taking seats at his table, he removed a bottle of whiskey from one of his drawers. Pouring a small amount into shot glasses, he slid one in front of each of them.
"Drink up," he ordered swallowing his. Tony glanced at him then at the alcohol before picking up the glass and tossing it down. Tim and Lonnie quickly followed gasping as it burned their throat. He put the bottle away before turning to face them again. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."
"But Jon…" began Lonnie.
"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," he said launching into a rendition of when Lucas and Bridger had first met. He ignored the looks he was getting as he concentrated on the story. They were laughing by the time he finished the story. The mood in the room lightened and they were able to put aside their grief for a little while as they reminisced about the good old days. It was surprising how many humorous situations they had gotten in over the years. The only somber moment of the night was when Tony asked if Ben had been informed yet. Jonathan was not looking forward to telling all of the former members of SeaQuest at all. Lonnie reached over and rubbed his back lending him support. Eventually the conversation ended back in the present. Feeling more relaxed, Tony excused himself. Tim spoke with him for a moment by the door then came back to speak with Jonathan and Lonnie for a moment.
"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while. I told Tony I would go with him to medbay later and I need some time to myself first."
"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie.
"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."
"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."
Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then." He closed the door as he left, leaving the two of them alone for the first time since their world had been disrupted again.
Ford slid closer and took her into his arms. He bent down to kiss for forehead. "So how are you holding up?" he asked.
"I don't know. It doesn't seem real. I haven't really been able to think."
"You can't block it out," he told her gently.
"I know. It's just hard and I wanted to be there for everyone else. How about you?"
"The same. I don't know if I can keep it together tomorrow if I let go now." He sighed and rubbed his face. "How am I going to tell them?"
"You'll manage. I promise." She held him tight. They sat silently thinking about Lucas. Jonathan thought of all the times him and Lucas had been together but never connected because he had never known what to say to the teenager. He wished that he had been able to be more of a friend to the boy. He had always found his undisciplined behavior to be disturbing and it was only recently that he had been able to really relate to him. "Why didn't we see it coming?" asked Lonnie softly.
"I don't know." Maybe if they had seen the signs, they would have been able to do something to change things.
"I just feel like I should have known. I should have been able to help him."
"I think we all feel like that. Lucas was," he paused and corrected himself, "is one of the most popular and important people on this boat. He grew up here and we were lucky enough to be able to watch. He holds us together somehow." He shook his head unable to properly express what he meant.
"Lucas made seaQuest seem less like a war ship and more like a home."
"Yeah. It took me a long time to understand why he actually made us better."
"He's special." They fell silent again. The challenge of voicing their emotions was something they were too drained to continue. Some time later, Lonnie shifted from the protection of his embrace. "I'm going to go to my room," she said quietly. "I'd like to check my e-mail."
"I'll check on you later." He stood and helped her up. Walking her to the door, he gave her one last hug. Returning to the table, he sat there staring at his computer. He placed it on the table in front of him but did not move to cut it on. It took another shot of whisky for him to get up the nerve to press the on button. His e-mail was programmed to open automatically on start-up so he did not have to worry about getting up the nerve to open that. His breath caught in his throat as he caught sight of the blinking message. Without any command from him, his hand maneuvered the mouse over the message and clicked. The words materialized on his screen and slowly he began to read them.
Dear Commander,
I am sorry to place this burden on you. I know that you will be the one chosen to inform the others. I would send my e-mail directly to them absolving you of the duty but that would hurt them more than if it was coming from you. I have enclosed at the bottom of this e-mail three files. I am entrusting you with the responsibility of seeing that the letters within the files are given to their recipients.
That taken care of, I can get to what I really want to say. We have never been close; you and I, but you have always been a friend to me. I understand why you found me so uncomfortable to be around for so long and I am sorry that I was so immature. I have grown so much over the years and I think it was that fact that allowed me to recognize how much you have grown too. You have discovered an appreciation of life that will serve you well when you have your own command. I told Captain Hudson that SeaQuest could never truly be his because she would never be solely a warship. He is the only man who is capable of bringing her out of the war but he can never truly be her Captain. You could be her Captain. You embody her ideals just as surely as Captain Bridger ever did.
You will never enjoy war. You will never want to completely annihilate your enemy down to their last child. These are good things. These are the things that will make you a better Captain than Hudson. You are a leader. I would have followed you to my death if you had asked me too. Almost any man on this boat would. WE would not do that just because you are the Commander or because you are next in line to be Captain. We'd do it because we trust you. We know that you would not take our death lightly. We respect you. I respect you.
Thank you for being my friend Jonathan. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself and about leadership. I wish I could have been a better officer. I wish I could have made you proud. I am sorry that I am hurting you. Please do not get so caught up in your responsibilities and forget to grieve. Do not feel guilty and do not second-guess yourself. There was nothing for you to notice. There was nothing that you missed. You did everything right. It was just me. I did what I had to do. I did the only thing I could do. I just wish that it hadn't involved hurting everyone I loved.
I'm sorry. --- Lucas
"You didn't have to do this!" he screamed at the computer. "This wasn't the way." He buried his face in his hands and began to sob. "This wasn't the way," he whispered through heaving breaths. So Lucas respected him. So Lucas thought he would be a great Captain. What did it matter? What did any of it matter? He had not been able to help his friend when he needed him. Hell, he had not even known that Lucas needed help. Some friend he was. Some great wonderful leader. What kind of friend misses that kind of pain and suffering? What kind of leader lets his man kill himself? A pathetic one. That's what kind.
"How could I miss this? How could I have let you down so bad?" he whispered to the computer. "Why did you have to go?" He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes but more fell to replace them. "Why!" he yelled at a picture of Lucas on the wall. He yanked the picture off of the wall and threw it across the room. At the sound of breaking glass, he crumbled to the floor. He lay there, tears pooling under his temple. Slowly his sobs subsided and he was able to get himself back under control. He felt drained and wanted nothing more than the sweet oblivion of sleep but he had to check on Lonnie. Picking himself up off of the floor, he shuffled slowly down the corridor towards her room.
He found her lying on the floor crying. He picked her up and moved her to her bunk. She threw her arms around him and began to sob again. "He's going to be gone and it's not fair! Why did he do this? Why didn't he let us help? It's just not fair!" He pressed her up against him and rocked soothing her like he would a small child.
"It's all right. Let it out. It all right." He bent down and pressed his cheek against hers allowing their tears to mingle. They stayed there like that well into the night, joined together by grief and by love. Their only comfort was in their touch, continuously confirming that they were not alone in this. Sometimes words were spoken. More often none were needed. At some point in the night, the tears dried and sleep claimed them.
"Commander Ford to the Captain's quarters. Commander Ford to the Captain's quarters," came the ship wide announcement that woke them up the next morning. Groaning, they pulled apart and tried to focus through bleary eyes. For a moment, Jonathan wondered what he was doing in Lonnie's quarter but then everything came rushing back. Lucas. He jumped out of the bed and used her PAL to contact the Captain.
"Lieutenant?" answered Hudson responding to the call.
"This is Commander Ford," replied Jonathan conscious that he was breaking navy regulations.
"Ah," said Hudson but did not comment further.
"How is he?"
"Not too good. He stopped breathing on his own during the night and the pressure around his brain keeps increasing." Oliver sighed and rubbed his tired face. "We need to start informing the others so that they will have time to make it here."
"I'll shower and change then be by your office." Jonathan closed the connection.
"He's not going to make it, is he?" asked Lonnie with tears in her eyes.
"I don't think so," he whispered softly closing his eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. "I've got to go change," he said finally.
"Good luck," she said giving him a hug. He nodded tiredly at her then left. Fifteen minutes later, freshly showered and wearing a clean uniform, he stood outside the Captain's door. Hesitantly, he knocked on the hatch.
"Commander," said the Captain nodding in greeting. "I informed McGath this morning. He took it surprisingly well."
"He never knew Lucas," growled Jonathan.
"He knew enough to know that the UEO is losing a very valuable asset."
"Lucas is a person not an asset."
"Not to men like McGath," responded Hudson closing the discussion. "Who do you want to contact first?"
"Kristin Westphalen," he answered after a glance at the short contact list. The list just re-emphasized the fact that all of Lucas's family was contained on this boat.
"Commander Ford," she said sounding surprised as the image appeared on her vid-screen.
"Dr. Westphalen," he replied in greeting.
"It certainly has been a long time, Commander. To what do I owe the honor of this call and who is the gentleman beside you?" she asked with a guarded smile. Through the years, her dislike of the military had only grown.
"This is Captain Hudson," he said searching for a way to break the news to her.
"Pleased to meet you."
"Ma'am," replied Hudson. "I'm afraid we have some bad news."
"Who?" she asked urgently all color draining from her face.
"It's Lucas," answered Jonathan.
"No. Not Lucas. Not Lucas." She began to cry.
"He tried to kill himself yesterday," cried Jonathan barely able to get the words out. "He's still alive but he's getting worse. We don't know if he'll make it."
"Oh, Lucas. Lucas, no." She bowed her head letting the tears fall. After several uncomfortable minutes, she visibly pulled herself together. "I am coming to see him," she said firmly.
"There is a shuttle waiting to bring you here as soon as you are ready," replied Hudson immediately. She looked surprised that there was no argument.
"Have you told him yet?" she asked softly.
"Not yet," answered Jonathan knowing exactly whom she meant. She nodded sadly.
"I need to go pack," she said abruptly.
"I'll see you soon," replied Jonathan cutting the connection. He slumped down in his seat fighting to maintain his composure.
"Are you OK?" asked Oliver.
"No but I'll make it." He paused for a moment getting himself together before picking the next name off of the list. "Juliana Lee."
"Who is she?"
"I think she's a computer programmer now but she used to be a hacker. Her and Lucas were really close. There was another hacker, Nick Rohloff. The two of them were about the only friends Lucas had his own age. I don't think they've talked since we came back."
"Hmm, wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that her name is now Julianna Rohloff," said the Captain glancing down at the list.
"I don't know." They waited patiently as the call went through.
"Hello?" greeted the smiling woman as she bent over to pick up a blonde headed toddler.
"Julianna Lee?" asked Captain Hudson.
"Yes?" she replied no longer smiling.
"My am Captain Hudson of SeaQuest. This is my second in command, Jonathan Ford. Could we speak with you and your husband?"
"Is this about Lucas?" She asked quietly.
"Yes." She glanced briefly at her little boy giving him a sad smile.
"I'm sorry. I think I am better off not knowing," she replied after a moment.
"Ma'am, he's dying. We'd like it if you and your husband come to SeaQuest."
"Dying," she whispered softly. "I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not think that is a good idea. We made peace with his death years ago."
"Julianna…"
"This is my son, Lucas," she said looking up. "Could you- could you tell him that we named our son after him? That we never forgot him?" A single tear trailed down her cheek.
"I'll do that," promised Ford.
"Thank you. I'm sorry. It's just- I have to go." She cut the connection and they were left staring at a blank screen.
"That went well," muttered Jonathan. The Captain gave him a sympathetic glance. For the first time, Hudson was getting a glimpse of what it was like for them to return from the dead after being missing ten years.
"Did you get that a lot?"
"Some. Others heard it more. It's hard to welcome someone back after you've mourned and moved on. You want to call his mother next?"
"How's she likely to take it?" asked Hudson as he was entering the number. Jonathan thought he had a good idea but just shrugged his shoulders. A young woman appeared on the screen. "Cynthia Holt, please."
"May I ask who's calling?"
"This is Captain Hudson with SeaQuest. We have news concerning her son."
"One moment, please," replied the secretary. They waited patiently until she reappeared on the screen. "I am sorry, sir, but you must have made a mistake. Ms. Holt does not have a son."
"What!" shouted Hudson outraged. "You put that woman on the screen this instant!"
"I am sorry, sir, but I can not do that."
"If you do not put me through, I will target one of my missiles at your office," he growled leaning closer to the screen. His voice dropped dangerously low. "Believe me. Nothing would make me feel better right now than blowing something up." The woman paled, swallowing hard.
"Yes, sir," she squeaked, looking ready to faint. Her image faded and was replaced with Lucas's mother.
"Captain," greeted Cynthia Holt frostily. "I do not appreciate you threatening my staff."
"Then you shouldn't have them lying to me."
"Lucas is no longer my responsibility," she continued ignoring him. "If he has been kicked off the ship, he will just have to find his own place to live." She made a slight wave of her hand as though to rid herself of the situation.
"This is not about finding a place to live. Your son tried to commit suicide," he stated bluntly. "He may not live." For a second, something flashed in her eyes but it was quickly replaced by apathy.
"You can make the arrangements for the funeral," she said without a hint of emotion in her voice. Judging from her tone, she could have easily have been talking about dinner reservations. "I planned the last one," she continued. "Contact my secretary with the time and place and I'll see if it fits into my schedule."
"Is that all you have to say?" She looked at him blankly. "Don't you want to say goodbye?" Her face froze.
"We've already said our goodbyes," she answered stonily. Not bothering to say more, she closed the connection.
"I can not believe that woman gave birth to him!" cried Hudson in frustration as he pantomimed strangling her.
"I know what you mean," said Ford smiling sadly. "That was usually Bridger's reaction to her."
"You really are all the family he has," commented Hudson softly.
"It's like that for all of us who disappeared to one degree or another. Our lives passed us by and now we just have each other. For Lucas though, we're really all he's ever had. For him, family starts and ends with SeaQuest." The two of them sat in contemplative silence. Jonathan cleared his through roughly. "Ben's next," he said knowing that the list was down to two names.
"Yes," greeted Krieg as the connection went through.
"Ben," said Jonathan softly taking in the other man's appearance. He looked bad. His hair was unkempt and he had about a weeks worth of facial hair. Bags under his eyes suggested that he was not sleeping well. Whatever was going on in Ben's life, it had him on the edge. The two of them had never liked each other much but Jonathan hated that he had to add to the burden.
"Commander?" asked Ben trying to look awake.
"I'm sorry. There's just no easy way to tell you this. Ben, Lucas has been hurt. It's bad, Ben. It's real bad. We don't know if he'll make it."
"How?" demanded Ben with an edge to his voice.
"Shot himself," answered Ford quietly. Ben inhaled sharply.
"When?" he asked flatly.
"Yesterday." Krieg nodded absently. "Ben, we're sending men to pick you up. We're about three hours from you location. Can you have some clothes packed when they get there?"
Three hours. Clothes," he repeated softly to himself. Ben looked up briefly meeting Jonathan's eyes. What Ford saw there terrified him. There was something laced between the mesh of old and new pains that made Jonathan decidedly uncomfortable. Abruptly, Ben turned and walked away forgetting to close his end of the connection. Jonathan reached forward and cut the connection.
"Watch that man very carefully," ordered Captain Hudson. "He's one step away from cracking." Jonathan could not think of anything to say to the comment. "I've seen if before," continued the Captain seriously. "If you are any kind of friend to Mr. Krieg, you will make sure that he is safe when it happens."
"Yes, sir," he replied softly. "Bridger's next."
"I know."
"I don't know if I can do this."
"He has to be told."
"Lucas was his son as much as Robert ever was. How am I supposed to tell him that he's losing another son?"
"I don't know."
"He has to be told."
"Yes." Leaning forward with fingers made of lead, Hudson slowly punched the number for Bridger's island. A grandmotherly woman answered the vid-screen. "The Captain, please."
"Oliver, Jonathan," greeted Nathan smiling as he stepped in front of the screen.
"Nathan," said Hudson gruffly. The smile froze as Bridger looked back and forth between each man.
"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously.
"We need you to come to SeaQuest immediately," answered Hudson stalling for time.
"Why? What's happened?"
"I'm sorry, Nathan, but," Oliver broke off unable to say the words. He jerked back out of his chair and turned so that his back was to the screen. He desperately tried to fight the tears that were threatening to fall.
"It's Lucas," continued Jonathan staring at a spot above the screen. He could not look at the Captain and maintain his composure. "He-he shot himself."
Nathan felt like someone had reached up and stabbed him in the heart. His knees refused to bear his weight and he collapsed into the chair behind him. Images of Lucas flashed through his head. Lucas laughing. Lucas demanding his own salary. Lucas giving him a father's day present. Lucas telling him goodbye as Lucas stood there in his officer's uniform. Lucas. "Is he alive?" he asked hoarsely as he regained control of his vocal cords.
"He's on life support," answered Hudson. "Last report is that his condition keeps deteriorating." He closed his eyes trying to stem the flow of tears but the trailed down his cheeks headless of his efforts to remain composed.
"They don't think he'll live," finished Jonathan making no effort to hide his tears. Nathan drew in a shuddering breath. He did not seem aware of the fact that tears were streaming down his face.
"Why would he want to do something like that?" he asked.
"There were a lot of reasons, none of which make much sense," replied Jonathan before Hudson could answer. He knew that the Captain blamed himself but this was neither the time nor the place to discuss that. "He left a note and personal letters for everyone. You'll get to read yours when you arrive."
"I need to pack and make arrangements for Michael," stated Bridger hesitantly.
"Are you going to be all right, Nathan?" asked Oliver anxiously.
"Yeah," he replied softly in a voice that would have made even Cynthia Holt cry. "I've been through this before." The image of his tear-streaked face slowly faded from view as he ended the call before they could say anything else.
"Sometimes I hate my job," whispered Hudson to the silent room. Jonathan did not answer. He merely buried his face in his arms and let his tears flow.