A chiming from the vid-screen notified Ben of an incoming call. Wondering whom it could be, he pulled himself up from the couch and plodded over to the phone. "Yes," greeted Krieg as the connection went through.
"Ben," said Jonathan softly. 'What on earth is he contacting me for?' thought Ben scratching his belly. Vaguely, he wondered when he had last showered.
"Commander?" asked Ben trying to look awake.
"I'm sorry. There's just no easy way to tell you this. Ben, Lucas has been hurt. It's bad, Ben. It's real bad. We don't know if he'll make it." Ben froze, paralyzed by the news. I'll kill them. I'll kill every last one of them. Just let me find who did this. The fiery rage did not leave any room for other emotions like worry or fear.
"How?" demanded Ben with an edge to his voice.
"Shot himself," answered Ford quietly. Ben inhaled sharply. Lucas? Lucas would not do that. This was a joke right? The looks on their faces immediately ended any budding hope that this was a joke. Lacking a quarry, the rage could only drain away leaving him empty. Empty still provided him a buffer zone from other emotions.
"When?" he asked flatly unable to think of another response.
"Yesterday." Krieg nodded absently. "Ben, we're sending men to pick you up. We're about three hours from your location. Can you have some clothes packed when they get there?"
"Three hours. Clothes," he repeated softly to himself. Ben looked up briefly meeting Jonathan's eyes. The pain and grief in Commander Ford's eyes struck an echoing chord with the pain he had deep inside. A single bolt consisting of a lifetime of anguish pierced the protecting barrier of nothingness. The wall between him and the outside trembled under the onslaught but held, barely. Breaking the connection, Ben shuffled off repeating the mantra of three hours, clothes.
The next six hours passed in a fog. He would never remember exactly what he did during the three hours that it took for the shuttle to arrive at his place. At some point he must have showered and shaved because when he arrived at SeaQuest, he was clean-shaven. He did not remember much of the three-hour trip to SeaQuest either. In fact, the only thing he remembered with any degree of accuracy was opening the door, with his bag packed and ready to go in his hand, and seeing the three men wearing SeaQuest uniforms standing on his porch. He followed them silently to the launch and the next thing he knew, they were waiting to dock.
"Ben," greeted Tim as he entered the boat. He moved forward to embrace his friend but Ben stepped back. Ben was uncomfortable with physical contact after spending so much of his recent time alone. Hugging was not something his friends did a lot and it made the current situation more obvious. A situation that his mind was doing the best it could to avoid.
"Is he still alive?" he asked dully.
"Yes," replied Tim. "He's stabilized for the moment. Would you like to go see him?"
"No!" he exclaimed as startled by the outburst as the others were. "I mean, uh, I can't, um," he stammered trying to explain the exclamation." His mind felt like it was splintering and he could not seem to grasp the pieces to pull it back together. The only thing that seemed solid was the conviction that he could not go see HIM. Knowledge of who he was was hazy. One second he knew exactly who he was and the next it was fleeting away out of his grasp. Confused, he stopped talking waiting for someone to remind him of what he was doing.
"Mr. Ford," interrupted Captain Hudson. "I am sure that Mr. Krieg is tired from his journey. Perhaps you should show him to his room."
"Yes, sir," replied Jonathan nodding for Ben to follow him.
"And Commander, remember what I said." Hudson turned around and walked off leaving the three men to themselves.
"What was that all about?" asked Tim staring at his retreating back.
"It does not matter," replied Jonathan hastily. He picked up Ben's bag and led the way to Ben's quarters. The quarters were bare of anything other than a simple bunk bed and a table with a computer on top sitting in the corner. The room was identical to the guest quarters Ben had been given the last time he was on SeaQuest. It looked nothing like the room that had been his home when he was a member of her crew. The comparison brought a pang of homesickness for the old boat. Mechanically, he entered the room and sat on the bed. "I am sorry that I can not stay," said Jonathan setting the bag by the door.
"It's not a problem," replied Ben flatly.
"Tim will be here," continued Jonathan ignoring the fact that Ben did not care. "I will be on the bridge if you need anything. Oh, and before I forget to give you this," he said pulling a disk out of his pocket and setting it on the table. "It's a copy of the note he left and his letter to you."
"OK."
"Well, I'll be going now," he said easing his way out of the door. Tim threw a glance at Ben then followed Jonathan out the door. Ben barely noticed. He stared at the disk admiring its bright, red color and sleek, compact form. As disks went, he guessed it was attractive. That was his bag by the door. He had clothes in the bag. He should put up his clothes. Abruptly, he stood up from the bed and carried his bag over to the closet. He meticulously folded each article of clothing laying them carefully on the floor of the closet. Finished with his task, he stretched out on his bed and closed his eyes. By the time Tim came back in the room, he was asleep.
He was alone when he woke up. He lay there in the bed staring up at the ceiling trying to ignore the emptiness of the room. He knew that outside his door there were hundreds of people but in here it was just him. He was all alone. Unnoticed, tears began to drip from his eyes. No one for him. No one that cared. No, one. One that cared. Lucas. He wondered where Lucas was. He had not come to visit him yet. He smiled slightly. It would be good to see his little brother again.
'Lucas isn't coming,' whispered a little voice in his mind.
'Shut up,' he told it refusing to listen to its pessimistic talk. The voice was stupid anyway, always calling him names and throwing all of his mistakes back at him.
'Lucas is dying,' sang the voice.
"Shut up!" he yelled to the empty room. "You're lying!"
'Am I?' asked the voice. 'Read the disk. It'll tell you.'
"Fine. I will." Ben stood up and marched over to the computer. He jammed the disk into the drive and opened the first file.
~I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone.~
He whimpered pushing the screen away. It is true. I can't. Oh, God, it's true. The cocoon that had been protecting him vanished leaving him vulnerable to attack. 'Shot himself,' came the whisper of an emerging memory. His sanity's last barrier of protection took the full brunt of the memory. 'It's real bad.' The wall began to tremble. 'We don't know if he'll make it.' Slowly, it began to crumble.
~ Old friends that had become strangers.~
No! I'm not a stranger. I'm still me. I'm still Ben. I did not mean to change. I'm sorry. I did not mean to change. I'll go back. I will make everything better. It will be just like it used to be. This is a dream. This has to be a dream. I have got to make things better. Ben crushed his face into the keyboard sobbing. He wished he could go back to the protective haze where nothing could get to him but he knew that was gone forever.
~Please forgive me. Goodbye~
Goodbye. So final. So little. There had to be something else. There must be something more. A letter. Ben searched his memory frantically trying to remember something about a letter. Finally it came to him. Commander Ford said there was another letter. Lucas wrote him a letter. Fumbling with the mouse, he managed to close the first note and open the second file.
Ben,
I don't know where to start. We've been apart for so long. So many things have changed that I do not know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for not making it that shore leave. Something kind of came up and I had to spend the leave somewhere else. I can not imagine how that must have been for you. I would have gone nuts if it had been you that had disappeared. I tried to find you when we came back but I could not find even a trace of your whereabouts. If we hadn't run into you on that iceberg, I might have never found you. Maybe it would have been better that way. I would not be writing this letter to you now and you would not have to go through my death twice. I'm glad I did find you though. I am glad that I got to see my best friend one last time.
You are one of the single most important people in my life. You taught me how to have fun. You showed me how to balance the serious side of things with the humorous side. Without those skills, I never could have made it as long as I did. I don't know if I could have made it through the first tour without you. You brought a balance in my life that kept me sane. You were my first real friend. Before I came to SeaQuest, I lived a very solitary life. You saw past my hostile exterior. You opened me up. You saved me. Thank you.
I think the first tour was the happiest time in my life. The Captain was my father figure. He taught me more than my real father ever had time to teach me. Dr. Westphalen was my substitute mother. She loved me better than my mother was ever capable of doing. You completed the family unit. You were the beloved, adored, envied older brother. I loved all of you with every inch of my being. It hurt so much when you and Dr. Westphalen decided not to return for the next tour. I understood why you both chose to leave. I don't blame you. I would have done the same if it had been me in your shoes. It still hurt and it took me a long time to get over that. I am sorry that it took me so long to come to terms with it. I wasted a lot of valuable time between us because I was too hurt to face you. We could have had all of the time while the current SeaQuest was being built to goof off and make new memories. Instead I refused to see you and now we have to make due with the handful of times I was able to visit with you during the second tour.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasted so much time. I am sorry that we left you here. I wish I could have told you goodbye before we disappeared. I would wish that you had come with us but I am glad that you did not have to go through that. Good people died. I would not have wanted to risk that you might have died too. I wish I had been here when Katie died. You have not talked about it but I know her death must have devastated you. I wish I could have been here to help you through that time. You should not have had to go through that alone.
I wish you did not have to lose me again. I wish I did not have to do this to you. There just is not any other way. I can not live and stay on SeaQuest. I can not leave SeaQuest and live. It has to be this way. I have to do this. I am sorry that I am hurting you. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Please understand. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't do better. I was not worth of your friendship but you gave it to me anyway. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye. Tears streamed down Ben's face as cracks appeared in his wall. Goodbye. The wall began falling, crumbling faster. Goodbye. Crashing, pain tore into Ben's open soul. Goodbye! GOODBYE!
"Goodbye!" he screamed throwing the computer against the wall. "Is that all you have to say? Ten fucking years I waited for you! Ten years! Goodbye." He stumbled back grabbing his chair and smashing it against the wall. Slinging his arms around, he overturned the small table.
"Why?" he screamed through the tears. "Why are you leaving me? What did I do? Why!" He began ransacking the room intent on massive destruction. He was also searching for a weapon. Something. Anything to release the pain he was feeling. He was mad with grief and angry at the world.
"Katie!" he screamed sobbing. "Why did you leave me?" Ben punched the wall. Kicking it. Hitting it. He continued his screaming assault on the wall until he sagged against it exhausted. "Why did you leave me?"
"Ben?" asked Tim peaking his head into the room. "Ben!" He rushed over to the crumpled man. "What happened?"
"What did I do wrong?" asked Ben plaintively. "Why do they always leave me?"
"Shh, it's OK," murmured Tim pulling out his PAL. "Medbay, could you send someone to collect Mr. Krieg? Uh-huh. He's destroyed his room but he does not seem violent right now. OK, thanks." He sat there silently listening to Ben babble as he waited for the medics to arrive.
"Tim?" asked Ben finally recognizing the figure beside him.
"Shh, Ben. What is it?"
"Will you help me?"
"What do you need?"
"Kill me," he begged.
"What!" Tim sat back shocked.
"Please," pleaded Ben oblivious to Tim's reaction. He began to sob again. "It hurts. Please help me. Please kill me. They all want to leave me. Why can't I die too?"
"Don't say that, Ben. You don't want to die," argued Tim frightened. Ben did not answer. He pressed his face into the floor continuing to cry. Why did it have to hurt so bad? He did not hear it when the medics entered the room. All of a sudden he felt hands touching him.
"Get off!" he yelled struggling. "Let me go! Let me go!" One of the medics managed to get a needle in his arm releasing the stinging sedative into his system. He struggled weakly as it took effect dragging him into the darkness. The next time he woke he was strapped down to a hospital bed.
"Why am I tied down?" he asked the nurse who was waiting for him to wake up.
"You became violent last night. They had to restrain you."
"Untie me," he ordered pulling at the restraints.
"Sorry, sir. Now, I'll just go tell your friend that you're awake." She hurried out of the room. A second later, Jonathan was peaking into the room. He felt guilty over what had happened. He should have stayed with Ben to make sure that he was all right.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" asked Jonathan.
"Let me go."
"No," answered Jonathan firmly.
"Please," he pleaded needing to escape the room.
"I can't."
"Let me up. Please, Jonathan, let me up," he begged becoming more desperate.
"And what would you do if I did?"
"Probably find the nearest gun and kill myself," he said sobbing.
"How could you say that? Why would you want to do that?"
"What else do I have left?" he asked staring at the ceiling. "I am a failure at everything I do. I lost the one woman I have ever loved. My Katie's gone and I can never change that. I got my best friend back after ten years only to lose him again." He paused rubbing his cheek against his shoulder. Jonathan's mind raced trying to think of something to say to the distraught man. "There's nothing left for me. I might as well follow Lucas's example." Jonathan's hand whipped out slapping Ben across the face.
"How dare you!" he growled. "Look around you!" he shouted. "Don't you think we have been through enough? Open your eyes. Each and every one of us is suffering because of what Lucas did. How could you even consider following in his footsteps? How could you even think of putting us through this again? How dare you! A friend would not want to do that to us," ended Jonathan harshly. His throat felt raw from yelling and he was still burning with anger.
"I'm sorry," whispered Ben through his tears. "I'm sorry but it hurts. It hurts so much." Jonathan's anger withered at the intense pain in Ben's voice. Before he knew what he was doing, he had removed the restraints and was cradling the broken man against his chest.
"I know. I know," he murmured gently. "We love him, too."
"Why Lucas?" he asked piteously. "Wasn't losing Katie enough? Why Lucas?"
"I don't know," he answered helplessly unable to do anything but hold Ben as he cried. He was uncomfortable being the comforter especially when it was a fellow male that he was comforting but he was not going to push Ben away. A nurse peeked in the check on Ben but he waved her away. Eventually, Ben's tears slowed to a halt and he rested in Jonathan's arms, exhausted.
"Thanks," he mumbled pulling away embarrassed. He shifted over curling up in a ball on the bed.
"Don't feel embarrassed," stated Jonathan gently. "I am glad that I could be here for you. Whenever you need to talk, come find me or Tim or anyone of us. We understand. You do not have to keep it all inside."
"I just feel so lost," he said hopelessly.
"I know," replied Jonathan, "but suicide is not the answer. You just have to take a look around here to see that."
"I know. I'm sorry." They were silent for a moment.
"Would you mind if I gave you a roommate?" asked Jonathan abruptly.
"Who?"
"Lucas's roommate, Tony. He's been sleeping in Tim's room." He bit his lip considering how to word his thoughts. Ben looked at him uncertainly, not sure that he liked the idea. "The two of you were the closest to Lucas. The two of you have been having the hardest time dealing with all of this. I think you need each other right now."
Ben thought silently for a moment. He remembered the overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness of being alone in his temporary quarters. He closed his eyes, sighing with fatigue. He was so tired. So very tired. "OK," he answered finally as he remembered that he had been asked a question.
"Go to sleep, Ben," urged Jonathan seeing how hard it was for him to keep his eyes open. He patted him on the shoulder then moved to get up.
"Stay," he mumbled closing his eyes.
"Sleep. I'll be here." Jonathan sat down in the chair beside the bed. He picked up a book and began to read. He was prepared to wait there for as long as Ben was asleep. He eventually fell asleep because he jerked awake when Ben spoke.
"I want to see him." Ben's voice was hesitant as though he were asking Jonathan's permission.
"I don't know if that is such a good idea right now, Ben."
"I want to see him," he stated again with a hint of steel in his tone. It was clear that he was no longer asking.
"Are you sure you are ready?" asked Jonathan.
"I need to see him," pleaded Ben. His dreams had stirred up uneasy memories of when Katie had died. One of the hardest things about losing her was the fact that he had never gotten a chance to say goodbye. He was afraid that if he waited he might miss his chance to say goodbye to Lucas. He needed to see him to reassure himself that he was still here and that he still had a chance to say goodbye.
"Let me get the nurse. Stay here OK?" He waited for Ben to agree before leaving the room.
"How is he?" asked Tim standing up from his seat by Ben's door.
"Better. He's not going to do anything stupid right now but I still don't want him alone. He's asking to see Lucas. I figured I had better go talk to a nurse before I took him somewhere." He rubbed his face tiredly.
"Would you like me to go in and sit with him for a while?"
"Please," he replied with relief. "Where's Tony?"
"Lonnie's with him. I think they're reading." Jonathan nodded then went to find the nurse. Tim knocked on the door to Ben's room.
"Come in," said Ben staring at the wall. He knew that if would not be Jonathan returning so soon and he did not really want to see anyone else. It felt strange to depend on the man he once spent so much time antagonizing. He had not known that he trusted Commander Ford so much.
"Hey," greeted Tim quietly. Ben glanced up then returned his focus to the wall.
"Hey," he replied just as quietly. The silence dragged out between them until it became uncomfortable. "I don't need a baby sitter, you know," he said finally a bit bitterly.
"I know. I'll leave if you want me to but it's hard being alone during a time like this. It's easier not to think about things when there are other people around you." His voice wavered slightly. "I-I don't really want to go back to my room right now."
"I'm sorry. Stay." He sighed miserably. Great, he upset Tim. He looked over at the man who had once been a close friend. The sorrow etched into his face made him sigh again because he knew that he was adding to that grief. "I'll be OK," he offered.
"I won't be," replied Tim laughing slightly as he wiped yet another batch of tears from his eyes.
"Yes, you will."
"I hope so," he whispered softly. They fell silent again but this time it was a more comforting silence. Ben felt better having offered Tim a little bit of reassurance. It was amazing how fast you went from being comforted to the comforter in times like these.
"So how are you holding up?"
"I don't know. I've been so busy worrying about everyone else that I do not think the worst has hit me yet."
"It did not really hit me until I read his letter."
"I have not read it yet," admitted Tim. "I guess maybe I don't want to admit that this is really happening."
"Read it," ordered Ben softly. "You don't want to wait until too late."
"I won't," promised Tim glancing at the other man. An understanding passed between the two of them that transcended words. Ben knew that Tim was having to deal with his unresolved grief over Miguel's death as well as his pain over the current situation. He knew because this was brining out all of his grief from Katie's death all over again. "So how are you doing?" continued Tim.
"Better," answered Ben simply as Jonathan re-entered the room with a nurse in tow.
"How are you feeling, Mr. Krieg?" asked the nurse.
"I am OK." She checked him over silently noting that his heart rate and blood pressure had returned to normal.
"All right," she said. "I'm going to let you out of here now but I want you to take it easy. Here, take this." As she watched him swallow the pill, she moved closer to Tim and Jonathan. "It's just a light sedative," she reassured them quietly, speaking low so that Ben would not overhear her. "It should keep him relatively calm while he's visiting Lucas. It would be best if he went somewhere quiet to rest afterwards but try not to leave him alone."
"We'll take care of him."
"Ready?" asked Tim looking at Ben. He nodded silently. Now that he was on his way to see Lucas he began to feel nervous. He was worried that he would break down again at the sight of his friend lying there in the hospital bed. He began to tremble slightly. "Come on," said Tim gently. He followed them docilely down the hall until they turned to enter Lucas's area.
"I can't," he said suddenly bracing himself against the doorway to stop his movement. All of a sudden, he was terrified. He could not handle this right now.
"Yes, you can," stated Jonathan firmly. Tim reached over and took Ben's hand silently reassuring him the way he would reassure a small child. Together, the three of them entered Lucas's room.
"Lucas," breathed Ben softly stepping forward. The other two back off to let him talk to Lucas in relative privacy. He moved silently across the room. His vision blurred as liquid spilled across his cheeks. Ben did not notice as he had eyes only for Lucas. The boy looked smaller than he remembered lying there. He was so helpless, so fragile. Ben was almost afraid to breath on him for fear he'd blow away. Ever so gently, he reached out and brushed a lock of hair from his face. He ghosted his fingers across his face resting them on his arm.
"I should hate you, you know. I waited for you everyday for ten years. I never gave up hope. I never believed you were dead. The day I found out you were alive was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the one ray of sunshine in my bleak existence. Now you've taken that away and I may never see the sun again. I can't blame you though. I can't hate you. I understand what it's like when the pain consumes your existence and there does not seem to be any end. More than ever, I understand what it is like when you've crossed the last barrier and you can never go back. I understand what it is like to want to die." He paused wiping away his tears.
"You were wrong though. This was not the right way. You should not have done this. We would have helped you. It was not as hopeless as it seemed. You have hurt all of us more deeply than you could ever have imagined. We are the ones who have to live with your actions. We are the ones who have to help each other through the pain that you've caused. You are the one who has abandoned us. We would have been here for you if we had known. If you had let us. You were wrong but I forgive you. I forgive you for causing me pain. I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you. I love you."
Tim and Jonathan moved closer to stand behind Ben. They stared down at the silent, still figure. We forgive you. We love you.