Kristin Westphalen stood in her living room sipping her morning cup of coffee. She stretched lightly sighing as her joints creaked. Turning around, the sunlight reflecting off of a picture frame caught her attention. She moved closer smiling at the picture of her and Lucas and Nathan. They were dressed in their formal outfits smiling at the photographer. It had been taken at some charity fundraising dinner. She picked up the picture next to it. It was the group shot of the crew. She trailed her finger over the faces. 'So many friends. So many people lost,' she thought feeling older than her years. The former members of the crew had grown closer after SeaQuest disappeared but over the years many of them had died or drifted away. Even with SeaQuest being back, she was still alone. She had only spoken with Lucas and Nathan once since their return and both of those conversations had been strained and uncomfortable. Sadly, she wondered where their happy group had gone. The buzzing of the vid-screen disrupted her reverie and she set the photo back on the shelf. Hurrying into the other room, the accepted the call.
"Commander Ford," she said surprised as the image appeared on her vid-screen. How ironic that she had just been thinking about SeaQuest and here she was receiving a call from them.
"Dr. Westphalen," he replied in greeting.
"It certainly has been a long time, Commander. To what do I owe the honor of this call and who is the gentleman beside you?" she asked with a guarded smile. Commander Ford had never been her favorite individual and through the years, her dislike of the military had only grown.
"This is Captain Hudson," he said.
"Pleased to meet you." The man was even more military in attitude than Commander Ford. She shuddered mentally, imagining how it would have been if he had been in charge during her tour on SeaQuest.
"Ma'am," replied Hudson. "I'm afraid we have some bad news."
"Who?" she asked urgently all color draining from her face. She recognized his tone as the same one they had used when they had told her SeaQuest was gone.
"It's Lucas," answered Jonathan. For the second time in her life, her world stood still.
"No. Not Lucas. Not Lucas." She could not stop the tears that began to trail down her cheeks. Not again. She could not lose him again. She had not really had a chance to get him back yet.
"He tried to kill himself yesterday," cried Jonathan. "He's still alive but he's getting worse. We don't know if he'll make it."
"Oh, Lucas. Lucas, no." She bowed her head letting the tears fall. What have they done to you to make you do something like that? What could have happened? She felt like the ground was falling out from beneath her. Before she could fall to pieces, she slowly began to gather herself back together. It took all of her experience as a doctor to compose herself. "I am coming to see him," she said firmly. No amount of argument would dissuade her from coming to see him.
"There is a shuttle waiting to bring you here as soon as you are ready," replied Hudson immediately. She looked at him, surprised that there was no argument. She wondered if maybe her original judgment might have been a little harsh. A thought occurred to her.
"Have you told him yet?" she asked softly. Nathan was going to need all of the support from his friends that he could get to help him through this. Lucas was his son in every way but blood or name. He was not going to take this well.
"Not yet," answered Jonathan. She nodded sadly.
"I need to go pack," she said abruptly wanting to get busy doing something before she began to cry again.
"I'll see you soon," replied Jonathan cutting the connection. She stared at the blank screen for a moment before moving off to pack. When she was finished packing, she called up a cab service to take her to the base to meet the shuttle. While she was waiting for the cab, she called the hospital and cancelled all of her appointments for the next week. The ride to the base was a silent one. She tried to spend her time on the shuttle going over some case files, that she had brought home to go over in more detail, but she could not focus. She kept replaying her last two conversations with Lucas over in her mind.
"But why did you have to leave?" asked Lucas tearfully. It was only a month into the tour and he was having trouble adjusting to her absence.
"Lucas, honey, we've been over this. The position they offered me was too good to turn down." She hated upsetting Lucas but she loved her new job.
"What about us? I thought we were your friends, your family!"
"You are but I've got to look out for my future. You still have the Captain." She was beginning to get exasperated with him. She could not keep having this conversation with him every week.
"I understand," he replied quietly.
"Good. Listen, Lucas, I have to go. I've got an appointment in five minutes."
"Goodbye," said Kristen.
"Bye," he replied softly with sad finality. She reached to close the connection but before it disconnected she heard him mutter bitterly, "Just like my mother and father."
Over ten years went by before their next conversation. So many things changed for her during that time. She came to realize what she had lost when SeaQuest disappeared. She also dealt with the loss and moved on with her life. Things were awkward after they returned. She did not know where she stood with them anymore and she was afraid of being hurt if she opened up to them again. She was only just realizing now how difficult their last conversation must have been for Lucas. It was difficult enough for her with years separating the two conversations but for him it was only a couple of months. She could still hear them now struggling through the silences. She wished now that they had tried harder. She wished they had kept in contact after the first conversation.
"Hey," he said stiffly, not meeting her gaze.
"Hi," she replied equally uncomfortable.
"How have you been?" he asked finally.
"OK. A lot of things have happened of course but nothing really worth going into right now."
"I see," he replied glancing down again.
"You've joined up, I see," she said unable to keep the disapproval from her tone.
"I'm a member of SeaQuest," he said simply as his expression became closed.
"I'm sure you are," she said sadly at the changes she saw.
"It was my decision."
"You've changed," she said softly.
"Because I'm in the military now?" he asked angrily. She had no reply for that. "Guess I'm not the only one who's changed."
"I guess not." She could not think of anything else to say to him.
"I've got to go," he said abruptly. She just nodded as he ended the call.
She sighed, wiping tears from her eyes. So many regrets. So many things she wished she could do over. She wished she had noticed then how desperate he was for he approval. How hurt he was when he did not get it. She wished she had told him how much she had missed him. She wished she had told him that she loved him. She wished. She wished, but wishes did not mean anything and she could not change the past. She gathered her things as the shuttle docked. She was determined to go out there and do her best to help her former crewmembers. She might not be able to change anything with Lucas but that did not mean she could not fix things with the others. The past could not be changed but this was her chance to mend the future.
"Kristin," greeted Tim moving to embrace her as she stepped off of the shuttle.
"Hey, Tim," she asked softly returning the hug. She was surprised as Commander Ford stepped forward to embrace her next. Grief was evident in both of their faces and she felt sorrow for both of them. Hugging Jonathan, she was struck by how much everyone had changed. There was a sadness on the ship that went beyond the current situation. "How is he?"
"There have not been any changes in the past few hours."
"Can I see him?"
"We've cleared it so that you have access to all of his records. If you want to, you can become his doctor for the duration of your stay."
"Thank you," she said softly wiping away a few escaping tears. She was grateful to them for the favor. She knew that nothing would have been more excruciating than to sit back and wait for updates while someone else was taking care of Lucas for her.
"I'll take you to Medbay," offered Tim.
"I know the way," she replied with a slight smile.
"I don't think the Captain really wants you wandering around the boat," stated Tim with a shrug. "Besides, I figured you could use the company."
"Thanks. How are you holding up?"
"I think the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I have people depending on me."
"If you need to talk about it."
"Thanks but right now I'm just worried. Lucas's roommate is taking all of this really hard. I'm worried about him and about Lucas." She patted his shoulder offering him her support. She knew that this must be a thousand times harder for the close-knit crew. As they entered Medbay a woman came forward to meet them. "Dr. Westphalen, this is Dr. Perry. She's been in charge of Lucas's care. Dr. Perry, this is Dr. Westphalen. She'll be joining your staff for the time being."
Kristin shook hands with the woman then turned to Tim. "Thank you for walking with me."
"You're welcome, Doctor," he replied with a sad smile before leaving the room.
"Shall we go over the chart first?" asked Dr. Perry motioning towards her office.
"Yes, please," replied Kristin following her. Switching into doctor mode, she was able to distance herself from the situation.
"He was in shock when he was brought in yesterday. We immediately began fluids and hooked him up to a ventilator. These are the x-rays and MRI's that were taken prior to surgery. You can see here the line of damage and here's the bullet lodged in his corpus callosum. These were the MRI's that were taken last night and this morning. You can clearly see that all bleeding in the area has been stopped."
"Can I see the notes from the surgery?"
"Sure," replied Dr. Perry flipping through the file to the correct page. Kristin read briefly through the notes detailing how Dr. Perry had entered the skull, the procedures used during the surgery, and the installation of a shunt. She nodded approvingly seeing everything that she would have done in the same situation. She turned the page and scanned down the list of medications and doses.
"Why have you increased the antibiotics?" Dr. Perry flipped to the front of the file where the vital signs were being recorded.
"His temperature began rising this morning. We think he might have an infection."
"He stopped breathing last night," murmured Kristin to herself reading the chart. "Hmm, his blood pressure is a little low but his heart rate is still within the normal range."
"His vitals are not what's worrying me," replied Dr. Perry. She pulled out a couple of CAT scans. "Take a look at these. This one was taken yesterday."
"There is not a lot of activity showing around the injured area," she said looking at the colorful diagram of Lucas's brain.
"This one was taken today." Kristin looked at it and gasped softly. Almost all portions of Lucas's brain were showing a decrease in activity although none had reached the level of inactivity nor were any as bad as the injured section. "The EEG's are showing the same kind of decrease. So far they are inversely proportionate to the amount of pressure within Lucas's skull. We are hoping that they will begin to rise when the pressure starts decreasing."
"How high is it?" Kristin bit her lip when Dr. Perry told her the number. "Can we increase the medication?"
"We're already exceeding recommended doses. He's just not responding to them."
"Surgery?" she asked afraid that she already knew the answer.
"He would not survive the initial inflammatory response to the surgery."
"So all we can do is wait and pray that he takes a turn for the better," replied Kristin with a sad sigh.
"Exactly," said Dr. Perry echoing her sigh. "Would you like to go see him now?"
"Please."
"He's down the hall to the right."
"Thanks," she said. The layout of MedBay had not changed so she easily found her way to Lucas's room. She automatically scanned all of the monitors as she entered the room. The numbers she found matched the last ones recorded in his chart suggesting that for the time being anyway he had stabilized. All thoughts of medicine fled when she looked at him. Every motherly instinct in her body was screaming at her to protect this boy. He looked so helpless and innocent lying there. Gently, she leaned over and kissed his brow. "I'm here, baby. I'm here. I'm going to take care of you as best I can."
She did not know how long she stayed there with him before she heard a sound behind her. She spun around to see Nathan standing there with tears streaming down his face. He did not notice her as he crossed the room burying his face on Lucas's chest. Gently, she rubbed his back as he sobbed, murmuring reassurances to him. The only thing that showed he knew she was there was his hand coming up to clinch onto her hand. She waited in silence as his sobs slowed and eventually stopped. She could not stop her tears for the two people she loved most in this world.
"I'm sorry," he said finally, releasing her hand.
"Don't be," she replied softly, massaging the feeling back into the hand.
"Why would he do something like this?" he asked brokenly.
"I don't know." She pulled him up into an embrace as she looked down at the silent blonde. They leaned on each other drawing strength from each other. "Have you eaten?"
"No."
"Then I'm taking you down to the mess hall," she stated firmly. She gently led him from the room. She was not surprised to find Commander Ford and Captain Hudson waiting worriedly outside the door. They followed her down to the mess hall where Lonnie, Tim, and Tony joined them. The meal was a quiet one but they ate better because they were in each other's company. As she prepared to head back to MedBay, Commander Ford handed her a small disk.
"What is this?" she asked.
"It contains a letter for you and a note from Lucas," he replied too softly for the others to hear.
"Thank you." She pocketed the disk and left the room. She gave one last glance back at Nathan knowing that she was going to need to have a long talk with him soon. She stopped by Medbay and was encouraged by the fact that the pressure appeared to be finally decreasing. She decided to take a nap then read her letter.
Dear Kristin,
I don't know exactly what I want to say but I'll try to make this as brief as possible. First of all, I would like to say that I am sorry for disappointing you by becoming an ensign. It was the only way that I could remain on SeaQuest. I did not figure out until later that I was completely and totally inept at military matters. I messed up everything. The last straw for Captain Hudson was when I disobeyed his direct order so that I could attempt to rescue my father. He wanted to kick me off the boat then. I know he will kick me off the next time I screw up. You probably do not understand why this is such a big deal but SeaQuest is my home and these people are my only family. I could not wait around until I was exiled forever. This was the only way I could stay.
I wish things had been different between us when SeaQuest disappeared. It did not seem like ten years to us but I know that it must have been an eternity to you. I am sorry that you had to go through that time knowing that we had not been on speaking terms when SeaQuest disappeared. I was very angry with you for leaving me. It hurt. It was like my parents all over again only you were more of a mother to me than my mother could ever be. It was not until the Captain left that I realized how big of a baby I had been over the whole situation. You had your own life and I had no claim on you. I had no right to expect you to give something up over me.
We were a family. You, me, the Captain, and even Ben. I miss that. All of the crew are like family to me in one capacity or another but it does not come close to matching the happiness I found in our little family unit. That first tour was the happiest time of my life. I wish it could have gone on forever. Oh, well. All good things must come to an end.
I am sorry that the last words I spoke to you were in anger. I wish you had something better to remember me by instead of that conversation. At the time things were often strained between those of us who disappeared and the people we left behind. It does not excuse my behavior but perhaps it will explain it a bit. I am sorry that I am disrupting you life again by doing this. I never wanted to hurt anyone but it seems to be about the only thing I am good at lately. Thank you for everything you've done for me over the years. Thank you for treating me like a son. No one would have blamed you if you had wanted nothing to do with me. Thank you for caring. I'm sorry that it's brought you nothing but pain. I love you, Mom.
Your son in spirit, Lucas
Oh, Lucas. My poor Lucas. You brought me so much more than pain. I will always cherish the memories of the times we had together. I am sorry that I hurt you so much by leaving you. If I had it to do all over again, I would probably stay. Kristin wiped at her tears but more fell for every one she wiped away. I love you. I wish I could have been here to protect you. I wish I could have been here to sooth away your hurt. She opened the other file on the disk. She read the note briefly crying harder at all of the pain she heard through his words. She wanted to yell and scream at the people who had hurt him but they were all guilty of that crime. We who loved him the most hurt him the worst.
"Dr. Westphalen," came Dr. Perry's voice from her temporary PAL.
"Yes," replied Kristin after a brief pause to compose herself.
"We need you down in MedBay." The tone of Dr. Perry's voice told her that the news was not good.
"I'll be right there," she said hurrying to get dressed. Within five minutes, she was walking into Dr. Perry's office. Dr. Perry looked up at her through tired blood-shot eyes. Quietly, she shut the door motioning Kristin towards a chair.
"The pressure began decreasing in Lucas's skull a few hours ago. It appears that the medications are finally taking effect. We thought that he was finally taking a turn for the better."
"But?"
"These are the EEG's that have been taken over the past few hours." Kristin took the readouts. She paled slightly as she saw that the brainwave activity had continued to drop. Not only had it continued to drop but also the rate at which it was decreasing had doubled. She glanced at the time on the last one and saw that it had been taken a couple of hours ago.
"Where are the others?"
"This is the most recent one," answered Dr. Perry quietly handing her another printout. Kristin looked down at the values and promptly dropped the sheet.
"There must be a mistake."
"They took the readout three times. They were all the same."
"No. You don't understand! There has to be a mistake," she said somewhat wildly. It felt like her heart had stopped beating. She struggled to speak past the lump in her throat. "That can't be correct. That's my son. I love him. It has to be wrong!" She could not control the tears that streamed down her face. All professional composure had vanished at the sight of that printout.
"I'm sorry, Kristin, but it is not a mistake. That does not mean, however, that the readings can not change. It has happened before."
"I don't want to lose him," cried Kristin resting her forehead on the back of her chair.
"None of us want to lose him. We are doing all that we can for him right now. In the morning we will run some more tests and re-evaluate then."
"What about the others?"
"What about them?"
"What are we going to tell them?"
"Kristin, we are not going to tell them anything until we run the tests in the morning."
"I suppose," she said dazed.
"Why don't you go back to your room and get some rest? I just thought you would like to know immediately."
"Thank you," she replied softly standing up to leave. She had no intention of going back to sleep but she knew that in her current state she would just be in the way if she stayed there. She stepped out into the hallway leaning up against the wall until she had herself under more control. That accomplished she got herself a cup of coffee then went to sit with Lucas. She would feel a lot better being near him.
"Hey," she said unsurprised to find Nathan seated beside Lucas.
"Hi," he replied glancing up briefly. She moved forward to kiss Lucas gently on the forehead.
"Hey, there, Lucas," she whispered softly. "You fight this. We love you very much and we do not want to lose you."
"Is he going to die?" asked Bridger quietly.
"More than likely," she replied just as quietly.
"Thank you for telling me the truth," he said never taking his eyes off of the figure in the bed.
"He's so beautiful. Someone as bright, and wonderful, and alive as Lucas should not be lying in a hospital bed like this." She dabbed at her eyes.
"It makes you wonder how we could have all gone so wrong."
"Lucas is not the type of person who shares his problems easily."
"It's not just that," insisted Nathan. "I left him, Kris. I abandoned him. I let him down."
"You can not blame yourself, Nathan. Yes, it hurt him when you left but that was not the only factor that lead to this. This was a lot of things. This was years in the making. We all let him down. We all missed the signs. This was not your fault."
"It feels like it is," he said crying.
"I know it does. I feel the same way but it is not our fault. This is no one's fault. This was Lucas's choice."
She moved closer until they were leaning on each other. Sitting there together keeping watch over their adopted son, they chatted through the night. They caught up with what the other had been doing for the past few years or months as the case may be. Sometime after dawn, Dr. Perry came in to check on Lucas. She insisted that Kristin and Nathan go get something to eat. After breakfast, Nathan took a brief nap while Kristin assisted with the tests they were running on Lucas. She was kept so busy that she did not have time to deal with the emotional aspect of the situation. Just before lunch, they called a meeting in the wardroom.
A hush fell over the room as she and Dr. Perry entered the room side by side. SeaQuest's officers, past and present, sat around the table. The mood was very subdued for a gathering of such vivid personalities. By some silent agreement, no one spoke above a whisper. Everyone wondered why he or she had been called together. Not even the two Captains sitting together at the head of the table knew the reason for the gathering. Coming to stand at the foot of the table, they faced the group.
"Gentlemen," began Dr. Perry. "I am sure that you all know the subject of this meeting." Fear sprang into their eyes. It can't be. Don't tell me that he's gone. Don't tell me that he's gone.
"We are Lucas's family. No one on this boat will deny this fact. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully. We do not have to reach a decision right away but we will have to decide."
"As the swelling around Lucas's brain rose, the rate of brainwave activity dropped. We hoped that when the swelling stopped the rates would increase. Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."
"We monitored him throughout the day but the readings stayed the same. Every test we have run has confirmed the results," said Kristin, taking over for Dr. Perry. "We still want to monitor him for another twenty-four hours but as of right now, Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead.