I had originally hoped to have this series completed before it became a year old but as you can see that did not happen. There are two more sections left. They will be posted together.
"Mr. Bridger, there are to gentlemen on the vid-screen for you."
"Thank you, Celia. Could you finish getting Michael ready for his nap?"
"Certainly."
"Oliver, Jonathan," greeted Nathan smiling as he stepped in front of the screen.
"Nathan," said Hudson gruffly. The smile froze as Bridger looked back and forth between each man.
"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously. They looked like men who had to be the bearer of bad news and neither wanted to be the one to say it first.
"We need you to come to SeaQuest immediately," answered Hudson evasively.
"Why? What's happened?"
"I'm sorry, Nathan, but," Oliver broke off unable to say the words. Nathan felt ice crawling down his spine. The news was bad. The news was very bad.
"It's Lucas," continued Jonathan staring at a spot above the screen. Nathan was not surprised at the news but it still hit him hard. "He-he shot himself."
Nathan felt like someone had reached up and stabbed him in the heart. His knees refused to bear his weight and he collapsed into the chair behind him. Images of Lucas flashed through his head. Lucas laughing. Lucas demanding his own salary. Lucas giving him a father's day present. Lucas telling him goodbye as Lucas stood there in his officer's uniform. Lucas. "Is he alive?" he asked hoarsely as he regained control of his vocal cords.
"He's on life support," answered Hudson. "Last report is that his condition keeps deteriorating." He closed his eyes trying to stem the flow of tears but they trailed down his cheeks headless of his efforts to remain composed.
"They don't think he'll live," finished Jonathan making no effort to hide his tears. Nathan drew in a shuddering breath. He did not seem aware of the fact that tears were streaming down his face.
"Why would he want to do something like that?" he asked.
"There were a lot of reasons, none of which make much sense," replied Jonathan. "He left a note and personal letters for everyone. You'll get to read yours when you arrive."
"I need to pack and make arrangements for Michael," stated Bridger hesitantly. He began making a list of things he had to do in order to distract him from the growing pain.
"Are you going to be all right, Nathan?" asked Oliver anxiously.
"Yeah," he replied softly. Images of Robert flashed briefly through his mind followed by scenes of his wife's last moments. "I've been through this before." Without thinking, he reached up and ended the call before they could say anything else. "Celia?" he asked unsteadily.
"Yes, Mr. Bridger."
"Could you watch over Michael for a few days?" he heard himself ask.
"Of course, what is wrong?"
"My son needs me," he replied distantly moving to pack some clothes.
"Robert?!"
"No, Lucas."
"Is he hurt?" she asked worriedly.
"He might be dying," he answered in a trembling voice. "I have to pack before the shuttle arrives."
"I'm so sorry to hear that, Mr. Bridger. Now you just lie down here and I'll take care of everything."
"Thank you, Celia," he said accepting her help to lie down on the sofa. He stared up at the ceiling blankly tears leaking down his cheeks. Lucas. Please not again. Not Lucas. Lucas.
"Mr. Bridger, Mr. Bridger," called Celia gently shaking his shoulder. He groaned slightly as he sat up and looked at her with eyes blurred with tears. "The men are here to get you." Dazed, Nathan stood up and glanced around the room.
"Grandda?" Michael stood off to the side watching him with a slightly frightened expression on his face.
"Go hug your granddad, Michael," ordered Celia bending down beside him. "He's worried about a friend and he needs your love."
"Oh, Michael," said Nathan squeezing the boy tight as he came over and hesitantly embraced his grandfather. "I love you so very much." He latched onto his love for this boy and the boy's need for him like a lifeline. The boy was his anchor that would keep him from losing himself again in the onslaught of pain. "I have to go away for a little while."
"No! No, Grandda! Don't leave me!" cried Michael clinging to his grandfather. For a moment, Nathan just stared at him confused then he realized what this must look like to Michael who had already lost one set of parents.
"I'm not going to be leaving forever," he told the boy gently. "I should be back by Saturday. I just have to go visit a friend who is sick."
"But you'll come back?"
"I'll come right back. I'm not leaving you, Michael." Michael stared up at him absently sucking on his thumb.
"OK," he answered finally with a grin. He gave his grandfather one more hug then ran up to his room to play. Nathan watched him leave with a slight smile on his face.
"Here's your bag, Mr. Bridger," said Celia handing him a duffle. Without warning, she pulled him into a giant hug. "You need anything, anything at all. You call me."
"Thank you, Celia," replied Nathan returning the hug. For all of her formal manners, Celia had managed to become a part of the small Bridger family. The scene with Michael had helped him regain his composure so he was calm when he walked out to meet the crewmen from SeaQuest waiting in the foyer.
"Our sympathies, Captain," stated the first crewman after they had saluted him.
"Thank you," answered Nathan quietly following them to the shuttle. The trip passed quickly. He spent most of the time ignoring his companions, staring into space. For a time, he could see nothing but Lucas's phantom face.
"Captain, we have arrived."
"Thank you," he answered again standing to exit the shuttle. Tony, Lonnie, Jonathan and Oliver Hudson stood waiting for him as he boarded his boat. He paused for a second hoping for that rush of pride and excitement that usually came when he first stepped on SeaQuest. The rush did not come. All he felt was a quiet, empty, dread. He automatically returned the salute that his former friends and crew were giving him. "Lucas?" he asked before they could speak. He was suddenly terrified that he had gotten here too late to say goodbye.
"The same."
"Ah," he said feeling relief and disappointment in equal portions.
"We're not going to hold up letting you see him with small talk," stated Hudson bluntly. His gruff tone abruptly gave way to uncertainty. "I just- I just want to say I'm sorry," he blurted out in a rush.
"We all are, sir," echoed Tony stepping forward.
"If there is anything we can do…." Lonnie looked at him as though she was holding herself back from smothering him with hugs.
"So am I," answered Nathan looking at them through sad eyes. "I wish there was something we could do to change this but we can't. He made our decisions for us."
"Captain? May I lead you to his room?" asked Jonathan hesitantly.
"Thank you, Jonathan," he replied squeezing him slightly on the shoulder. They began their quiet walk through the boat with the others following behind them unnoticed. The first thing he noticed as he peered into the MedBay room was Kristin sitting by the bed. For a moment, she was all that he could see. She was as breathtakingly beautiful as ever. It was the light glittering off of one of her silent tears that brought him back to himself and he directed his attention back to the central figure in this room. A strangled gasp broke free of his throat as he caught his first glimpse of Lucas.
Unbidden tears streamed down his face as he felt his heart breaking. This was his Lucas; his beautiful, wonderful Lucas; that was lying in that horrible bed attached to any number of medical devices. Where was the vibrant boy that he had adopted into his heart as a son? What happened to the silent youth he had known? Where had he gone wrong to let things get this bad? He did not notice that Kristin had moved as he crossed the room burying his face on Lucas's chest. Unconsciously, he responded to her comforting whispers and touches by reaching up to grasp her hand. He did not know how long he stayed in this position but slowly the tears stopped and he was able to rebuild some semblance of control.
"I'm sorry," he said finally, releasing her hand.
"Don't be," she replied softly.
"Why would he do something like this?" he asked brokenly.
"I don't know." She pulled him up into an embrace as they looked down at the silent blonde. They leaned on each other drawing strength from each other. "Have you eaten?"
"No." The thought of food made his stomach curl but he knew better than to tell her that.
"Then I'm taking you down to the mess hall," she stated firmly. She gently led him from the room. He nodded quietly to Jonathan and Oliver who were waiting worriedly outside the door. He tried to smile at them to reassure them that he was not going to break into a thousand pieces but the effort was too much for him. His slight quirk of his lips trembled and he wondered if he might actually end up fracturing into a thousand pieces before all of this was over. Picking up a tray, he loaded a health serving of unappetizing food onto his plate then went to sit down where the others were gathering along with Tim, Lonnie, and Tony.
"We should have done this before," said Tim quietly. "It would have been nice to have seen everyone."
"We should have done a lot of things differently," said Nathan in an equally quiet, regret-filled voice.
"We can't change the past," asserted Oliver gruffly.
"No, we can't," agreed Kristin sadly. They finished eating in silence. Soon Kristin was standing up to go put away her tray. Nathan watched curiously as Jonathan followed her and handed her something.
"What was that all about?" asked Nathan nodding to the duo.
"Let's discuss it in my quarters," suggested Hudson shifting uncomfortably. Nathan watched him for a second weighing the possibilities before nodding his agreement. They stood together and moved to throw away the rest of their food. Neither man had anything to say as they walked through the corridors each saluting the passing crew. Nathan's first glimpse of Hudson's quarters sent him reeling. It drove home the reminder that this was not his boat any longer. Two images juxtaposed on his vision: his quarters and Hudson's. He shook his head lightly banishing the image of his quarters. Glancing over at the small bench, he blinked.
"I just came by to tell you I thought it was very… effective the way you handled the situation," said the precocious blonde boy lounging on the bench.
"Effective? Thanks," replied his younger self.
"You gonna stay, or what?"
"It's not that simple." A blind man could have seen the disappointment that flashed across the teen's face.
"Why not? Come on, you like it here, don't you? I mean, it is your boat." His slightly whining voice was filled with innocence.
"I made a promise." Tears flooded his eyes blotting out the image and he closed his eyes.
"Captain? Captain? Are you all right, Nathan?" Hudson's worried voice covered up the fading voices but Nathan was able to catch one last whisper.
"I guess they didn't count on things changing." (To Be or Not to Be Part Two)
"I'm sorry, Oliver," he said finally. He wiped briefly at his face then turned around to meet the worried Captain's gaze.
"It's OK, Nathan. I understand."
"No, you don't!" he snapped. "I've already lost one son and now I'm about to lose another one and they're both my fault!"
"How is it your fault? He was my man. I pushed him too hard. I failed to live up to my duties as a Captain."
"I left him. I promised I would never leave him then as soon as I had a connection to Robert I left him. What kind of a father am I to fail both of my sons?"
"You made mistakes, Nathan. We all made mistakes. Some hard, horrible things have happened to some very undeserving people. Lucas just couldn't take it anymore and refused to allow us in to help him. Lucas did this. We did not make him chose this path," said Oliver knowing that all of this could easily apply to himself.
"I know," stated Nathan with a sigh. "Logically, I know all of this. I just can not convince my heart."
"Neither can I.," echoed Oliver softly.
"This is not your fault, Oliver."
"Wasn't I just saying that to you?" asked Oliver with a slight twist of his lips.
"So you were," smiled Nathan briefly. "Really, though. You've done a remarkable job with this group considering the circumstances."
"This group has been through more trouble than any group deserves."
"We all have." Before the conversation could become more morose, Hudson dug into his pocket bringing out a disk.
"This is for you. It is a copy of his suicide note and a letter for you. In typical Lucas fashion, he made sure to write goodbyes for each of us. You can read it here if you'd like to," he said indicating his computer.
"Thank you," replied Nathan stunned. "I'd like that."
"I'll leave you then. Page my PAL if you need anything." Oliver slipped out the door leaving Nathan staring blankly at the disk. Silently, Nathan scooted over to the computer and inserted the disk. He read briefly through the first note stumbling over the phrase: 'I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.' 'It was my fault,' he thought, tears of horror pouring down his cheeks.
"Oh Lucas, what have I done?"
~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he repeated as he read through the note. Much of the note applied to things that had happened after he had left SeaQuest. To things that he had abandoned Lucas to suffer through alone. Numbly, he opened the second letter.
~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
I did not know how to address this letter. Dear Captain was too formal. Dear Nathan was not formal enough. Finally, I decided to call you something that I've been wanting to call you almost since we first met…..
Dear Dad,
I am writing this with a plethora of emotions. Grief because I will never see you again and I never wanted to go without saying goodbye. Sadness because I must leave you and this will hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt any more. Anger because you left me when you promised you'd never go. Understanding because I know what caused you to leave. Forgiveness because I love you and I can not say that I would not have made the same decision if I were in your shoes. Shame because I have failed you as a son. Pride because you have been such a wonderful father. The emotion I am feeling most of all needs no explanation. I love you.
~ I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
It hurt a lot when you left. I thought it was a rejection. I thought you did not love me anymore once you found proof that Robert was still alive. I thought maybe all I had ever been to you was a replacement. I talked to Tim a lot about it and I came to understand that Michael needed you more than I did right then. Then came the incident with the bioskin. I was so angry with you for refusing to listen to me. Suddenly, my opinions were not as valuable as yours were anymore. Suddenly, you did not believe in me anymore. And when you were right I did not believe in me anymore either. It took hearing my father say he loved me and truly meaning it to get me past those two issues. It took thinking he was alive and then finding out he was dead after all I had risked to realize that none of that mattered.
~ I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
What mattered was the warm glow I felt whenever you told me, "Good job." What mattered was how much fun we had the first time you took me fishing. What mattered was the challenge of working together to design the new SeaQuest. What mattered were baseball games and shore leave and dinners with Dr. Westphalen. What mattered was that somewhere during that first tour, we became a family. We are a family and that's all that matters. Distance couldn't break us apart. Michael could not break us apart. Even wounded egos were no match for out bond. I was stupid to be hurt by something so dumb. I was stupid to let it get in the way of our relationship. I just wish I had figured it out earlier when there was still time to fix things.
But I don't have a lot of time left. I know that you can't really understand all of this. You haven't been here to go through all of these things with us. When Brody died, it was horrible. We all miss Miguel and Wendy but we don't remember when or how they died. If they died. With Brody, we were there. We watched him die. It was….I can't even describe it. Then Freddy died. She was one of Hudson's men. She loved to fly. She confessed to me one time that her psych chip might be able to tone down the fear she felt flying but nothing could take away from the joy of it. She traded her life for Kimura's. They were hard times. Fighting's hard. Adjusting to the ten-year gap in our lives is even harder. Adjusting to the military is the hardest.
~ Ever since the Captain left.~
I've tried so hard to adjust. I've tried so hard to be the perfect ensign but nothing I do comes out right. I've been so horrible to my friends. I don't know why they don't hate me already. I messed things up with you. Kristin hates me because I've joined the military. Ben's changed so much that I don't know if our friendship could ever be repaired. Tony won't speak to me because I've treated him so bad. Tim would hate me if he found out I'd been making friends with Kimura. And Captain Hudson….he thought I should have been placed in military prison for my last screw up. Everyway you look at it, it comes out the same: I'm a failure.
~ Ever since the Captain left.~
So you see I have to do this. I am going to be sent away from SeaQuest the next time I mess up. I can not sit around her waiting for the next mistake to come. Being sent away from SeaQuest would destroy me. All of my friends and family are here. The only real happiness I've found has been here. This is my home. I can not leave her. This is the only way I can stay. Please understand that. I never wanted to hurt anyone least of all you. I love you. You raised me. You're my family. I will forever be grateful for everything you've done for me. But it's not enough. Your love can not protect me any longer. No one's love can keep me from making that final mistake that gets me exiled. I can not wait around for that. I must act now while I still can. Believe me when I say this is the only way.
I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry that I have to leave you. Remember that I love you and maybe one day you will be able to forgive me.
Your son, Lucas
Stunned. Numb. Overwhelmed. Crushed. Lost. He either felt everything or nothing and he was not sure which it was. He cried because he had been too blind to see how much pain Lucas had been in. He cried and wished with all his might that there was some way he could make up for the time he had lost. He could not regret leaving SeaQuest, not when Michael needed him so much. At the same time he wondered how he had ever been able to leave Lucas. He wondered how he had ever thought Lucas was old enough to handle working under Captain Hudson. Hudson was obviously blinded by Lucas's genius and chronological age. Hudson had not been around Lucas enough to know that everything comes with a price. For every leap and bound Lucas could make intellectually, he was amazingly immature in other areas. His people skills were particularly underdeveloped especially when they required him to be in authority over someone. Lucas had never had a chance to develop these skills while growing up. It was no wonder he had struggled so much as an ensign.
Forgetting the disk in its drive, he stumbled out of the room. Whatever else might be going through his head, he knew that he needed to see Lucas. He did not know what he was going to do when he got to the room. Maybe cry, curse….apologize. But he knew that he needed to see Lucas.
"There's already someone in there, sir," said a nurse as she stopped him from rushing into the room.
"Please," he said, the desperate need clear in his voice.
"Hold on," she said ducking into the room. A second later, she came out indicating that he could enter. He quietly pushed the door open to reveal Tony standing by the bed.
"It just isn't fair, sir," said Tony turning a tear-streaked face towards the Captain. "This wasn't supposed to happen to Lucas. Not to Lucas." Nathan stared at the other man unable to produce words from his suddenly blank mind. "I'm sorry," said Tony. "I'll go."
"It's OK. You can stay."
"Nah, you need to talk to him right now. If it is all right with you, I'll come back a little later and sit with you." Nathan nodded and Tony gave him a brief, sad smile before slipping out of the room.
"Oh, Lucas," sighed Nathan exhausted. "What am I going to do with you?" He reached down and gently brushed a lock of hair from Lucas's forehead. "I hope you know that I love you, kiddo. You're as much a son to me as Robert was. I'm honored that you thought of me as a father. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I left and broke my promises. I wish there was some way that I could fix everything."
"I wish you hadn't done this. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much this seemed like the right thing to do, suicide is never the answer. As long as you are alive then there's hope. This….this solves nothing. It just hurts everyone around you and ends a promising life that could have been so much more if you had just hung on a little longer. I wish you had waited if not for yourself then for us. I wish…I wish things could have been different for us. Better."
He lapsed into wistful silence. He sat there watching over Lucas protecting him the way he had not been around to do. About an hour later, Tony came peeping in the door. He entered silently and took a seat on the opposite side of the bed. Together they kept watch. Some time later, Tony left and he continued standing guard alone.
"Hey," said Kristin entering the room. He could not have said how much time had passed while he had been sitting there. It could have been hours or minutes after Tony had left for all he had noticed.
"Hi," he replied glancing up briefly. She moved forward to kiss Lucas gently on the forehead.
"Hey, there, Lucas," she whispered softly. "You fight this. We love you very much and we do not want to lose you."
"Is he going to die?" asked Bridger quietly. He thought just asking the question was going to be more than he could handle and his voice trembled.
"More than likely," she replied just as quietly.
"Thank you for telling me the truth," he said never taking his eyes off of the figure in the bed. As much as the truth hurt, it was better than false hope.
"He's so beautiful. Someone as bright, and wonderful, and alive as Lucas should not be lying in a hospital bed like this." She dabbed at her eyes.
"It makes you wonder how we could have all gone so wrong." How could I not have seen what I was doing to him?
"Lucas is not the type of person who shares his problems easily." 'Then it was our responsibility to reach out to him,' argued Nathan silently.
"It's not just that," insisted Nathan. "I left him, Kris. I abandoned him. I let him down."
~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
"You can not blame yourself, Nathan. Yes, it hurt him when you left but that was not the only factor that lead to this. This was a lot of things. This was years in the making. We all let him down. We all missed the signs. This was not your fault."
"It feels like it is," he said crying.
"I know it does. I feel the same way but it is not our fault. This is no one's fault. This was Lucas's choice." She moved closer until they were leaning on each other. They at there in comfort silence as the night passed quietly. The only interruption was the occasional visit from a nurse.
"So how have you been?" asked Kristin, looking to spark some conversation.
"Good. I'm back on my island raising my grandson."
"Grandson!"
"Yeah, Robert's boy. He's living proof that my son is out there somewhere," Nathan smiled.
"Do you have pictures?" He pulled out his wallet and showed her a few pictures. "Oh, he's adorable. He looks to be about the same age as my grandson."
"You're a grandmother?!"
"What can I say? I age well," she replied with a slight smirk. "I have a granddaughter named Emily who's seven and a grandson named Kyle who's five."
"I'd like to meet them one day."
"We'll have to get together some time. The kids will have a ball."
"So how have you been?"
"I'm still working at the same hospital. I still love my work. It's strange being back here. It brings back so many memories. I never lost hope, you know," she said quietly.
"Most people did," he replied just as quietly. "I'm glad you didn't."
"Hey, you two," said Dr. Perry entering the room. She smiled at the duo before moving about checking on Lucas. Finished, she turned to them once again. "I bet you haven't eaten. Why don't you head down to the Mess Hall?"
"No, that's OK. I'm not hungry."
"She's right. We need to eat." Kristin would not take no for an answer. She bullied him into going to eat breakfast with her then sent him off to take a nap while she returned to MedBay. Not in the mood to argue, he went along with her going so far as to actually lie down in his guest room. The quiet, unfamiliarity of the room unnerved him and he found himself unable to sleep despite not having slept the night before. Tired of staring up at his ceiling, he got up and made his way to the moonpool. Sitting by the tranquil water, he could not help but remember the first day he met Lucas. His vision blurred over and he could again see the past. He was so much younger then. He was frustrated by his friend Noyce and the fact that Darwin had been dolphin-napped and placed on SeaQuest. Then Darwin had talked.
"This is some kind of game, huh," he had said then out of no where came this blond-headed, pompous, teenaged kid
"Oh, it's no game. Cutting edge technology."
"Lucas Wolenczak, Nathan Bridger. Lucas designed the system that allows Darwin to speak," said Noyce stunning his younger self.
"You sound surprised, Captain. Or maybe just a little jealous." Ooh, he had wanted to wash that boy's mouth out with soap for speaking to an adult like that. And to suggest that HE, Nathan Bridger, was jealous! "Well I heard you were working on a similar system and gave up."
"So."
"Nothing."
"Listen, I hate to break up this little seminar, but I've gotta go." (To Be or Not to Be Part 1) Nathan had to shake his head all over again remembering the not-so nice impression Lucas had made on him. Luckily for the both of them, they had been able to move onto more civilized exchanges by the end of the mission. Dangling his fingers in the water, he wondered what SeaQuest would have been like without Lucas. Probably a whole lot duller.
"Captain?" asked Jonathan from the entrance. "The doctors have called a meeting in the wardroom."
"Is he?" Nathan's heart jumped up into his throat.
"They did not say. It might not even be about him," said Jonathan clutching at straws.
"Who else would it be about?" Jonathan did not answer. They walked silently to the wardroom taking a seat at the table. Nathan noticed that Ben and Tony seemed to be sitting closer together. Maybe the two men could take some comfort from each other. No one was really talking around him about how everyone else was holding up but he had heard enough whispers to know that these two men were having a rough time. Oliver glanced over at him exchanging worried glances. The group was almost silent as the waited only whispered exchanges taking place. A hush fell over the room as Dr. Westphalen and Dr. Perry entered the room, coming to face the group from the foot of the table.
"We are Lucas's family. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully."
"Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."
"As of right now," stated Kristin. "Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead." Brain dead. The words echoed through his head leaving him empty. He wanted to cry to stand up and shout but he could not. He merely sat there numb listening as she continued speaking.
"Everything that was Lucas is gone. Physically, as long as we keep Lucas on life support, his body will continue to live. We have to decide whether to leave him on life support or to take him off and let him die."
"You want us to kill him!" shouted Tony standing up red-faced. A flash of pain flickered across Kristin's face.
"Sit down, Mr. Piccolo," ordered Hudson. "The doctor is merely presenting our options."
"I'm with Tony," stated Ben softly. "We can't kill him."
"It wouldn't be killing him," argued Jonathan. "If he's brain dead, then he's already gone."
"We have to consider what Lucas wants," whispered Tim with a haunted look on his face.
"I do not think anything should be decided right now," asserted Dr. Perry.
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to make a decision like this," choked Nathan. He could not stay here any longer. Stumbling through the blurry obstacles, he hurried out of the room. He paused outside the door leaning against the wall. His chest felt tight like someone was pressing all of the air out of him. He gasped sobbing, clutching his arms across his chest.
"Nathan?" ask Kristin placing a hand on his shoulder. His tears were not enough to obliterate the image of her beautiful, tear-streaked, worried face. "Are you all right?"
He opened his mouth to reply but all that emerged was another choked sob. He tried to stop the tears but they just poured faster and faster. The pain was alive inside him, eating through his soul. His sobs began to take on a hysterical edge as he realized that he could not stop crying. Dimly, he heard himself babbling. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't. Why? I can't. I can't."
"Shh," murmured Kristin hugging him close to her. He felt a gentle prick then a slight stinging as whatever she had given him raced into his bloodstream. He knew that he should be angry with Kristin but he merely clung to her. Slowly, his sobs slowed and finally stopped as the sedative brought the relief of numbness. Exhausted, he just sat leaning against the wall floating in his scattered thoughts. "Better?"
"Yeah, sort of," he slurred. The ache in his chest was still there. He was still aware of his loss but he was protected from it.
"When's the last time you ate?" He shrugged. "All right," she sighed. "Get up. We need to get some food in your stomach before we put you to bed."
" 'M not hun-gry," he replied with a yawn.
"Well, you're going to," she ordered leading him down the corridor. He allowed himself to be led wondering idly what on earth had been in that shot. He followed her through the line holding his tray while he piled food on his plate.
He stopped listening as she chattered on about inane topics. He took a tentative bite of the mushy meal in front of him. Bland. He did not know if he could not taste or if the food was really that flavorless. He began swirling his spoon in his food watching as the colors mixed together in fascinating patters. All of a sudden, a hand darted into his view snatching the spoon from his hand.
"Open your mouth," she ordered exasperated. She scooped up some mush and deposited it in his obediently opened mouth. She waited while he chewed then repeated the process.
"You still look wonderful," said out of the blue as she continued to spoon-feed him.
"Thank you," she replied stunned. "You really are having a strong response to that medicine, aren't you?"
"Yep. Higher 'n a kite," he grinned lightly, yawning again.
"We'd better get you to bed," she said softly. "You're not going to last much longer."
"Let me help you," said Jonathan from behind her. He moved over and gently helped Nathan from his chair. Jonathan kept him steady while they led him down the corridor to his room. Between exhaustion and the sedative, he was asleep before they got him fully on the bed. He slept for several hours before being woken by the need to be with Lucas. Conscious of his ever shortening amount of time, he made his way to MedBay ignoring Kristin's attempts to send him back to bed.
"I can't do this, Lucas," he told the still figure. "I can't let you die. I can't." Tears streamed down his cheeks, as he buried his face into Lucas's chest clutching him closer. "I can't," he whispered again, growing drowsy from the sedative that was still in his system. He closed his eyes briefly. Then again. Then he was asleep, cradling his head next to Lucas.
"Captain. Captain," came a familiar voice teasing him awake. Gentle hands brushed at his hair. "Come on, Captain. Wake up."
"Lucas," he said groggily, sitting up.
"Hey, Captain," the teen said smiling up at him from the hospital bed.
"You're awake!" cried Nathan overjoyed.
"Sort of," replied Lucas with a sad smile.
"I love you," blurted Nathan.
"I know. I love you, too."
"You're OK now. You're OK."
"I can't stay."
"What do you mean you can't stay?" demanded Nathan, frightened.
"I can't take back my decision. It doesn't work that way, Father."
"But you're better!" Lucas shook his head sadly.
"You're going to have to let me go."
"I can't!"
"You have to. I can't stay here."
"Please! Please don't go!" Nathan hugged him close feeling the tears begin to fall again.
"It's my time," he said softly. "Maybe if I had made a different choice it wouldn't be but I did and now I have to go. Please, Dad, let me go."
"I can't," he said sobbing.
"You can. You must."
"Why?"
"Because it will happen anyway. If you do not let me go, then this will linger and take months or years. Let me die now so it's final. So I can die on SeaQuest. So you can say goodbye. Please, promise me."
"I promise. I don't want to but I promise. I promise to let you go," he clung to Lucas sobbing.
"I love you," said Lucas hugging him tightly. "I love you," he whispered growing fainter. "I love you. Goodbye."
"Goodbye," whispered Nathan as he woke up and found Lucas still lying motionless in the hospital bed. "Kristin," he called loud enough for her to hear him.
"Yes, Nathan?"
"Could you gather everyone in the wardroom?" She nodded and hurried out of the room.
"I promise," whispered Nathan bending down to kiss his son's forehead. "I promise." He watched the mechanical rise and fall of Lucas's chest for a moment before slowly making his way to the wardroom. He waited silently as the last members of the group assembled.
"Gentlemen," began Kristin shushing the group. "Captain Bridger has something he'd like to say."
"We have no choice," started Nathan staring at the room through desolate eyes. "We have to let Lucas go. It is painfully clear that we can not keep him here. He's slipping away from us as we speak. We have it in our power to grant his last wish. To allow him to die here on SeaQuest surrounded by his friends and family." He paused, wiping at the tears he could not control. "We have to let him go."
No one could argue with him. Personal feelings aside, they knew how much it hurt Bridger to have to stand up there and beg for them to let his son die. There could be no argument against that kind of emotion. There was not a dry eye in the room because it had been decided. They had to let him go.