Nothing Left

by Unique

When Lucas hits rock bottom, the crew is left to deal with the aftermath. COMPLETE.

12. Tim O'Neill

Tim O'Neill was bored sitting at his station on the uneventful bridge when Captain Hudson suddenly growled," Where's Wolenczak?" Confused, Tim looked around noticing for the first time that Lucas had not reported for his shift yet.

"Perhaps he is running a little late, sir," began Commander Ford seeking to pacify the Captain.

"Raise his PAL," ordered Hudson. O'Neill swallowed nervously pushing the codes to connect to Lucas's PAL.

"Ensign Wolenczak," he answered roughly.

"Ensign, I suggest you get yourself to the bridge immediately and you had better have a good excuse for being late."

"I can't, sir," replied Lucas.

"What do you mean you can't?!" barked Hudson infuriated. Tim glanced over at Tony worriedly. Lucas did not need to be in any more trouble with the captain.

"I'm sorry, sir," whispered Lucas half sobbing. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry." Tim felt a chill of ice crawl down his spine. There was something very wrong here. Before he could think on it further, the single, loud, crack of a gunshot silenced the bridge. He sat stunned; his mind racing. A thousand horrified thoughts darted through his mind. Deep inside, a calm voice repeated the twenty-third psalm.

"O'Neill! Where is Wolenczak?" shouted Hudson.

"I'm tracing his PAL signal now," replied Tim after a moment's hesitation to gather himself together. His fingers flew across console running the trace. The wait for the results to appear took an eternity. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want… "Storage Room 85,sir."

"Get a med team there now. Piccolo, come with me. Commander, you have the bridge." Tim could only watch as Hudson raced out the door. Tony stood frozen for a moment before getting up to follow Hudson. Tim watched Commander Ford for any orders but he just took a look around the room then took a seat in the Captain's chair. As he began thinking about what Lucas had just done he began to shake. That gunshot could not have been an accident. Lucas was trying to commit suicide. Suicide is a sin! Lucas was risking his soul! He bit his lip to keep from crying out loud from the sheer pain of that thought. 'Stop,' he told himself. 'Think about this later.' A few minutes later, the reappearance of Tony on the bridge succeeded in banishing the thoughts for the time being.

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," stuttered Tony through his tears. Before Tim knew what he was doing he had moved from his station to stand by Tony's side. He hesitantly put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony threw his arms around the other man sobbing. "Why'd he do it? Why'd he want to leave us?"

"I don't know, Tony. I just don't know," answered Tim through tears of his own. They stood together for a moment drawing comfort from each other. Finally Tony let go and stepped back embarrassed. Tim did not say anything just wiped the tears from his glasses. He had drawn as much comfort from the contact as Tony had. They turned when they felt a hand touch them. Commander Ford was looking at them through wet eyes. Tim reached out to rest his arm on Jonathan's shoulder, allowing him into their circle of grief. Tony looked to Jonathan in confusion as he noticed all of the regular crew had left.

"I thought it best we give you a few minutes," said Jonathan answering Tony's unasked question. "Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"

Tony nodded sniffling. Hudson had not arrived when they got there but a nurse came out to tell them that Lucas was in surgery. They sat there silently trying not to think. The waiting was hard. The guilt was harder.

"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" whispered Tim to the silent room.

"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head."

Tim fell silent. He traced back in his mind all of the conversations he had had with Lucas or about Lucas in the past few weeks. There had been a lot of anger at Hudson and grief over his father's death. They had talked a lot about what would happen if Lucas were sent away from the boat. Tim had tried to reassure the teenager that they would still be there for him but Lucas was terrified of being exiled from his home. Try as he might, Tim could not pick out any one thing that would have alerted him to the fact that Lucas was growing so desperate. Why would Lucas do something like this? What could drive a person to risk damnation? A noise in the doorway alerted him to Hudson's arrival. Tim glared at him daring him to send them away. He stood there watching them for a moment. Seeing that he was not going to say anything, Tim lost himself in his thoughts again. Seeking solace, he began repeating Bible verses to himself.

"Commander, would you go check on the bridge crew?" ordered Hudson. Ford gave him a quizzical look but nodded and left the room.

"Lieutenant, Warrant Officer, would the two of you go arrange for some food and coffee to be delivered to the ward room? I will be up there shortly." Tim looked over at Tony asking if he wanted to leave or should he protest. Tim was not in any hurry to leave but he would go if Tony wanted to leave. When Tony nodded, they stood up and left. As soon as they were out of MedBay, Tony leaned against the wall trembling.

"Tony, are you O.K.?" asked Tim anxiously.

"No, I'm not O.K. My best friend tried to kill himself. How the hell am I supposed to be O.K.?" he answered angrily blinking rapidly to try to stop the tears that were threatening to fall again.

"Come on. Let's get to the wardroom," replied Tim gently leading Tony down the corridor. He cut on his PAL as they walked. "Ah, David, just the person I wanted. Could you send some coffee and something to eat up to the wardroom? Thanks."

"Tony! Tim!" greeted Dagwood happily as they entered the wardroom. "We are having a party for Lucas."

"No, Dagwood, this isn't a party," answered Tim as Tony began to cry again.

"Tony is cry-ing. Why are you sad?" Tim looked at Tony helplessly hoping that he would answer.

"I'm sad because Lucas is hurt, Dagwood," answered Tony through his tears.

"Who hurt Lucas?!" demanded Dagwood looking at his friends who were both crying now.

"Lucas hurt himself," replied Tony softly.

"But why Lucas want to do that?" asked Dagwood confused. Tim could only shake his head. He could not explain something that he did not understand either. The two moved on stopping to speak to a few people. Lonnie stood towards the front of the room consoling one of the women who had been on the bridge earlier. She patted the woman on the shoulder then moved to walk away. Lonnie caught sight of them as they moved towards her and she burst into tears.

"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both.

"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. Tim was not used to so much physical contact especially from such a beautiful woman. As soon as Jonathan entered the room, he hurried to Lonnie's side and took her into his arms. She began sobbing again and Jonathan caressed her hair soothing her. Jonathan looked at them over her head.

"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. Just then the Captain entered the wardroom. Tim watched Hudson walk slowly across the room taking in the scene. He glanced around himself noting just how crowded it was. He tried to read Hudson's expression but there was just uncaring blankness. Hudson moved to the front of the room and began to speak.

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." In the silence that greeted his statement he inserted the disk into the computer in front of him and pulled up the file. Putting on his glasses, he began to read aloud,

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone. I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left. Everything had changed and I couldn't change fast enough to catch up. Everyday was a new onslaught of changes. More people dying or leaving. New enemies that I didn't understand. Old friends that had become strangers.

I thought that becoming an ensign would help. At least I would still be on seaQuest with my friends. I was wrong though. I began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony. I tried to act like a good officer but I don't know how. Everything I did was a failure. Trying to impress Captain Hudson only made things worse. I tried to act like an adult but I screwed that up too. I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did.

I can't leave seaQuest. She's the only home I've ever known. He won't keep me here much longer though. I've screwed up way too many times. I can't believe he kept me here after I pulled a gun on him and I know the next mistake will be my last. I'll be gone for sure then. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time. There's a way I can be here forever though. I'll never have to leave. I'll never cry myself to sleep again or lie in bed wishing I had tears left so that maybe I could ease the ache in my chest.

I don't have many regrets. Just two. I'm sorry that I'm going to hurt all of you. You deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I wish that my death could have been more like Brody's death. I've been worthless and in the way all of my life. It would have been nice for my death to have meant something. I can't wait on the slight chance that I might get killed before I'm kicked off. No, it has to be now.

I just wanted to explain why. I didn't want you to sit there wondering and maybe blaming yourselves. It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way. I wrote everyone letters saying goodbye. You should be receiving them in a few minutes. I'm sorry for all of this. Tell the Captain that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disobey orders but I had to try and save my father. He loved me. I had to try. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. Goodbye.

'Oh, Lucas,' thought Tim sadly. I should have realized how upset he was. I knew he was terrified of leaving SeaQuest. I just did not think he was this upset. I should have known. 'Lucas, how could you do this?'

"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," said Dr. Perry after Hudson finished speaking. Tim immediately gave her his undivided attention. "By all rights he should be dead but either the gun misfired somehow or the bullet was faulty. The bullet entered the right temporal lobe of his brain and became lodged there just before the corpus callosum. The damage to the area was extensive but localized. Right now our greatest concern is swelling and infection. The prognosis is uncertain. Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving." Tim felt light-headed. Most of the medical jargon was over his head but he understood fifty/fifty odds. He felt panic welling up inside him but a glance over at Tony told him that he could not lose control. He needed to keep himself calm or he would not be any help to his friends

"That may change in the next few hours. If he lives there is a very good chance that he will be a vegetable. The chances of him waking up and walking away from this with no side effects are slim. If he wakes up we could be looking at severe mental retardation, extreme personality changes, paralysis or anything in between. I'm not telling you to write him off as dead. I'm just telling you not to expect miracles. If he's going to have any chance of surviving though, he's going to need every single one of you fighting on his side. I'm going to allow people in to see him one at a time starting as soon as we are finished here. Force him to fight. Don't let him let go and don't give up hope." Hope. Such a simple word but it contains so much power. "Please, Lord, give me reason to have hope. Do not take Lucas away," prayed Tim.

"Everyone should sign up for times to visit Lucas," started Hudson standing up to speak again. " Unless you would like to continue working, you may all have the next two days off. We have a lot to come to terms with and I want everyone to remember that you are not alone in this. Lucas mentioned good-byes in his note so I would assume that many if not all of you will find e-mails from him when you next check your mail. Be prepared. I will leave the wardroom open for anyone who wants to still gather here. Now if you'll excuse me I will be in my cabin." Tim nodded grudgingly unable to fault how Hudson was handling the situation. While Tim could not help feeling that he was at least partially to blame for Lucas's mental state, he could not deny that Hudson was as affected by the situation as the rest of the crew.

Tim turned his attention to his friends. Lonnie was kneeling beside Tony. Jonathan had stepped away. He looked to be heading in the direction of the coffee pot so maybe he was bringing a cup for Tony. Poor Tony. He was sobbing on the floor. His tears had slowed by the time Jonathan bent over and handed him the cup of coffee. Tim leaned over to them, quietly murmuring, "I'm going to see Lucas." They nodded and he eased his way out of the room.

            "Where's Lucas's room?" asked Tim as he entered MedBay.

            "Right this way," replied one of the nurses leading the way. He gasped as he saw Lucas lying in the hospital bed. He looked so helpless lying there wrapped in bandages and surrounded by tubes and monitors. He felt frozen.

 "Tim," said Dr. Petty smiling reassuringly at him. "Come, sit beside him and hold his hand. Don't be afraid. Just sit there and talk to him."

"Will he hear me?" he asked timidly. He moved cautiously into the room.

"I believe he will. I'll leave you alone now." Patting him on the shoulder, she left the room. He sat carefully next to the bed taking hold of Lucas's hand like he had been instructed.

"I don't know what to say," admitted Tim quietly. "I don't know how to react. I've never known someone that tried to kill themselves before. I guess I should be angry or sad. Right now I'm just really confused. I wish you had come to us instead. I do not see how this could possibly have been the only answer. I just…I just. I don't know. I need time to think all of this through."

Sighing, Tim left MedBay and made his way back into the wardroom. The crowd had diminished as the grieving crewmembers sought solace in less populated areas but there were still quite a few people gathered around the room. A quick inventory of the people revealed representatives from almost every department on the boat. Tim rejoined his friends in their isolated corner. He nudged Jonathan silently not wanting to disturb Tony who was still staring into his cup of coffee. He waited beside Lonnie while Jonathan was gone. By the time Tony looked up from his coffee, Jonathan had returned and Lonnie had left. He did not speak. Not wanting to press the issue, Tim and Jonathan sat watching him until Lonnie returned completing the group.

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently.

"No!"

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," Jonathan stated firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters." Tim shrugged silently, standing up to follow him. It had been a while since he had been in Jonathan's quarters but he was not surprised to find that little had changed. He took a seat at the small wooden table waiting for Tony to stop gaping.

"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Tim eyed the glass uncertainly. He was not a big drinker especially of harder liquors. Tony and Jonathan both swallowed theirs with ease but Lonnie gasped and made a face at her empty glass. Steeling himself mentally, he tossed back his shot. It was not as bad as he expected but it still made him gasp. Jonathan hid the bottle away then turned back to face them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," began Jonathan. Tim looked at him quizzically. He was not completely certain he knew what Jonathan was trying to do. While telling stories about loved ones is a common practice at funerals, Lucas was not dead yet. The wound was too fresh especially for certain members of this group. "Did I ever tell you about the first time Captain Bridger met Lucas? He was so cocky back then. Arrogant to the core. I don't think he had ever had to deal with people before. So there Bridger was being as stubborn as can be and angry that Noyce had brought Darwin to seaQuest without his permission when all of a sudden Darwin talks. You should have seen the look on his face. Then Lucas starts in talking about cutting edge technology and all Bridger can do is stare at him. We have one of the greatest Captains in the history of the navy and there's this kid standing there talking to him as though he were five years old. It was priceless and pure Lucas right down to him using the hand gestures that Bridger had spent months teaching Darwin. I didn't think either of them would last very long."

"Remember when Katie and Lucas designed that Stinger?" asked Tim with a smile at the memory. Those two nearly drove the entire boat insane with their project.

"God, how could I forget," answered Jonathan.

"They spent half their time arguing over what to name the thing. Lucas wanted to name it Stinger but Katie demanded Gazelle," explained Tim for the benefit of the other two. "There was a competition among several designers and the prototype was destroyed the night before the test race. They stayed up all night rebuilding it from scratch. We pitched in when they let us but they were very possessive of that thing. It's too bad they were beat by that other guy. Man, those were good times."

"Tell me about it. Katie and Ben always fighting like an old married couple. Lucas and Ben constantly getting in trouble. The Captain and Dr. Westphalen falling in love and trying to hide it." Jonathan smiled lost in the past.

"I remember when you first joined seaQuest, Tony. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Tony shook his head.

"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?"

"Not yet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered Jonathan. Tim sighed softly. He did not envy him at all. He wondered how Ben was going to take the news. He had seemed a little on edge the last time they had met and Tim doubted this news would help any.

"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" Tony asked Tim, laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."

"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan.

"How did you know about that?" asked Tim.

"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie.

"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.

"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother."

"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."

"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim. 'And more terrified of messing up,' added Tim silently after a moment of reflection.

"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie.

"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter. Although Tim had not been there, he had heard the story and was glad that the almost-tragedy had made his friends become more open with their relationship.

"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"

"That was amazing."

"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.

"Not always," replied Jonathan with a glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him.

"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected."

"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past. So many bad things had happened to so many good people but in between all of that were some of the best times of his life. Tim would rather face a lifetime of heartache than a lifetime without having known his crewmates.

"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully.

"Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."

"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too." Tony fell silent for a moment then stood from the table. "Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do."

"Sure, Tony, just remember that we are here if you need anything," replied Tim gently getting up to walk him to the door.

"Thanks. Do-do you think you could come down to MedBay with me afterwards?" Tony asked hesitantly.

"Of course. Just let me know when." Tim squeezed his shoulder reassuringly watching as he left the room.

"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while? I told Tony I would go with him to MedBay later and I need some time to myself first," he asked as he rejoined Jonathan and Lonnie.

"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie.

"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."

"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."

Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then."  He sighed as he went across the hall and entered his big, empty room. He had not realized how lonely it was to live without a roommate. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out a small photo album. He traced his hand over the protect sheets smiling sadly at the photographs. Here was one with Miguel and him before they had been assigned to SeaQuest. It seems like such a long time ago. He was so much younger then.

The photo album was filled with pictures of Miguel. Some of them had actually belonged to him. Tim had kept them when he went through Miguel's things to send them back to his family. It hurt not knowing what had happened to him. For a while, he had kept up hope that Miguel had surfaced somewhere on Earth and he just had to give him enough time to get into contact with someone. He never came back. Miguel was out there somewhere alone. They left him behind when they all came back. He wished that he could go on believing that his best friend was alive somewhere but he knew in his heart that he was dead. Then Brody died. Then Fredericks and now Lucas.

He flipped forward to a couple of group photos. One was taken on the beach at the end of the first tour. He grinned at a picture of Lucas buried up to his neck in the sand.  They had been so happy that day. They had had so many fun times. It wasn't until he saw the drops of water on the page that he realized he was crying again. He did not know how to cope with something like this. Before he had Miguel and then Lucas and him had been really close. He could not even turn to the Bible. This was one of those times in his life when he had to decided what he believed regardless of what his faith told him to believe.

He could not condemn Lucas. He did not believe that he made the right decision but he did not believe that it was beyond forgiveness. He was angry with Lucas for putting him in this position. He was angry with Lucas for being so uncaring of their reactions. He was also sad that he was losing such a wonderful friend. No one deserved to be as unhappy as Lucas had been. He wondered what it must be like when living seems so horrible that death looks like a better alternative. He could not imagine. He had been through some rough times in his life but suicide had never been an option. He wished that it hadn't been an option for Lucas. He did not want to lose him. He could not imagine SeaQuest without him. Tim jumped as the beep of his PAL interrupted his contemplation.

"Tim, I'm ready. Could you meet me outside of my room?" asked Tony.

"Of course," replied Tim. "I'll be right there." He brushed at his tears then left the room.

"OK Thanks"

Moments later he was knocking on the hatch to Tony's quarters. He knew the moment Tony opened the door that he had been crying again. Tim wished there was something he could do or say to Tony to make things better. Tony slipped out his door locking it behind him. Without a word, the two of them began the slow walk to MedBay. Several times Tim thought Tony was going to stop and turn around but something kept him from doing so. When they finally made it into MedBay, Tony became very agitated and refused to go into Lucas's room unless Tim agreed to go with him. They made their way through the silent area into the private room where Lucas was kept. Tim paused uncertainly as he noticed that Lucas already had a visitor.

"Gentlemen," greeted Hudson politely getting up and stretching. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Actually, sir, I'll join you," answered Tim following him out of the room. Standing awkwardly beside the man who made his life miserable, Tim shuffled his feet and stared at the floor. He was surprised when Hudson cleared his throat uncertainly.

"Lieutenant," started Hudson trying to find the right words. "I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and I've come to realize that I owe you an apology."

"I don't understand, sir." Tim did not know how to react. This was the last thing he expected to hear from the Captain.

"I'm not perfect, O'Neill. I thought that because you sit behind your console and because you prefer words to weapons that you were weak." Hudson lifted his head to meet Tim's eyes. "I was wrong. You have just as much courage as anyone on this boat. You just show it differently."

"Thank you, sir," stammered Tim. "That means a lot to hear you say that."

"I haven't been treating you fairly. I have been blaming you for things that are not your fault and not making allowances when I should have. I'm sorry. It will not continue."

"I'm sorry too, sir, for letting my frustration with the situation color my opinion of you. I think I have misjudged you."

"Then we're even," answered Captain Hudson holding out a hand.

"Even," repeated Tim completing the handshake. The Captain excused himself leaving Tim alone to wait for Tony to finish. The door to Lucas's room was partially open. It was not enough for Tim to hear what Tony was saying but it was enough that he could hear Tony's voice. He was out of his seat the instant Tony's voice began to rise.

"Why did you do this?" shouted Tony. "You had no right to do this to us! How could you?! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you Lucas Wolenczak! How could you leave us like this?" Tim rushed into the room prepared to restrain Tony if necessary. Just as he reached the younger man, Tony broke down sobbing.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I love you. We're brothers. I'm sorry. Please don't die."

"Sh, it's all right," soothed Tim putting his arms around Tony as he cried. Handing Tim some pills, the nurse nodded towards the door. Getting the hint, he began to steer Tony out of MedBay. "Come on, Tony. Let's go lie down.

"Here, sit down," said Tim pushing Tony down onto his bunk as soon as he had gotten him back to his quarters. He handed Tony a glass of water and the pills. "Take these."

"Where am I?" asked Tony just noticing his surroundings.

"You're in my room. Now, let's take your shoes off and get you to bed." Tony was too dazed to protest so he was soon bundled under the covers. All of a sudden his eyes flew open and he tried to sit up with a look of horror on his face. Tim easily pushed him back down onto the mattress.

"No, I have to get up. I have to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. Please, let me tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," babble Tony.

"He knows you didn't mean the things you said and you can tell him again tomorrow. He wants you to go to sleep right now. OK?" Tim soothed the younger man waiting for the medicine to take full effect. He kept up the running monologue until Tony finally began to calm down some.

"OK " he mumbled with a yawn. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Tony," he replied softly to the now sleeping man. He sat watching him for a moment thinking about how young Tony looked when he was asleep. He really was not that much older than Lucas himself. Sighing, Tim began to ready himself for bed.

After almost an hour of staring up at his ceiling, he gave up on sleep. He watched Tony through the darkness for a moment before deciding that he was going to wake up any time soon.  Slowly, quietly he stood up and put on some pants and another shirt. He did not pass any people as he made his way to MedBay. He heard a feminine voice as he neared Lucas's room. Easing his way into the doorway he saw the last person he would ever have expected. Heiko Kimura was sitting beside Lucas gently stroking his hair. Her back was to him but she was obviously crying. He was stunned as he listened to her. Here was the woman he had fallen in love with. Here was the woman he had thought was a lie. His heart went out to her. He did not know when her and Lucas had grown so close but he had obviously become an anchor for her. For the first time, Tim looked beyond his hurt and realized how difficult if must be for her here. He knew that most of the crew shunned her for what she did to him and because of Freddy's death. She must have been so lonely. She must have felt so lost. Mentally, he kicked himself for not realizing this earlier.

"-eing sent off of SeaQuest not you. I should have been the one to give up, not you. You are so strong. You do not give up. You are Lucas. You can do anything. Except maybe live," said Kimura sadly, looking at Lucas. "I did not know I meant so much to you. I never would have guessed. I hope you know that you meant the world to me. I love you. You are my sanity, my hope. I do not know what I am going to do without you."

"You'll carry on," said Tim unable to keep quiet any longer.  She spun around to face him. Her lips twisted into a snarl and she looked ready to bite his head off but she stopped.

"Hey," she said uncertainly instead.

"Hey," he replied equally uncertain. He moved closer to stare down at Lucas. Without Lucas, Heiko truly would be friendless. Vowing not to let this happen, he looked up to meet her eyes. "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee with me?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I would like that. Can I have a second?" He nodded and moved back to wait in the doorway. She bent down and kissed Lucas gently on the forehead. She whispered something that he could not hear then squared her shoulders and joined him. He smiled down at her and they left the room.

            "So how have you been?" asked Tim as they took their coffee and sat down in a corner of the lounge.

            "A bit lost," she admitted with a smile.

            "I'm sorry."

            "For what?" she asked confused.

            "I should have been helping you get adjusted."

            "It's not your fault. I understood why you could not forgive me. I made a lot of mistakes." They fell silent neither knowing quite what to say. "I never meant to hurt you," she said finally.

            "I realize that now. I just…. I felt betrayed. You used me. I still don't see how you thought that wouldn't hurt me."

            "I did not see how what I was doing was wrong. I was thinking like a Chaodai. Even as I was escaping their grasp, I was underestimating their influence on how I thought. I did care about you. My feelings were not a lie. It was just that your feelings and mine did not matter to me as a soldier. I underestimated the Chaodai. It was a very costly mistake."

            "We have wasted so much time," said Tim with a sigh. "We could have used each other's friendship."

            "I do not think it would have worked between us. You have to realize what you have lost before you can appreciate something."

            "We can appreciate it now." He smiled at her. She nodded and smiled back. "So how did you and Lucas get so close?" he asked sipping his coffee.

            "Lucas is very good at making friends with people who do not want any friends," she replied with a smile. "We had nightmares. Sitting by the water helped ease the bad feelings afterwards." She shrugged. "Eventually after seeing each other there often enough we started talking and found out we have a lot in common."

            "Lucas is very special."

            "Yes, he is." She looked up to meet Tim's gaze. "So are you." He blushed and ducked his head. They talked into the wee hours of the morning. At times they were hesitant and uncertain feeling out each other's boundaries. Other times they talked like long lost friends that had known each other their whole lives. They were both laughing when Tim glanced down at his watch and realized the time.

            "Wow, it's late. I really have to be going. Tony's in my room and I don't really want him waking up alone."

            "He's not taking it very well is he?"

            "Not at all. I'm worried about him."

            "He'll be all right. He just needs time. This is probably the first time he's lost someone this close to him."

            "He was really upset when Brody died," said Tim somberly remembering. "And this is Lucas."

            "See. He'll be fine." She moved forward hesitantly. She embraced him then stepped back before he could return the hug.

            "Thanks," he said with a slight smile for her. "I'll talk to you later." When he entered his room, Tony was just beginning to stir.

            "Hey," mumbled Tony sitting up. He blinked then looked at Tim confused.

            "Good morning. You slept in my room last night."

            "Why did I do that?"

            "You were a little upset last night. The nurse gave you some kind of sedative to help you sleep."

            "Oh." He stared down at the blankets for a while still wearing a befuddled expression. "Oh," he said again as understanding dawned. "How is he?" he asked quietly, fighting tears again.

            "I haven't heard anything new. He's still alive."

            "I wish it had been a nightmare," admitted Tony softly.

            "It is a nightmare. We just can't wake up from it." Tony pushed back the covers and stood up. Tim glanced around realizing that he did not have a change of clothes. "Would you like me to run to your room and pick up an outfit or do you want to go back to your room?"

            "Could you go?"

            "Of course. I'll be right back." Tim slipped out the door, leaving Tony standing there.  He entered Tony's room cautiously. While he knew from Tony's reaction yesterday that there was nothing obvious about the room, it was still the first time he had been in there since Lucas…. He stopped the train of thought. The room still belonged to Lucas. It echoed with his essence. It was filled with all of his personal touches. Tim hoped that they would not have to pack up all of his belongings any time soon. Grabbing an outfit from Tony's drawers, he hurried back to his room.

            "Are you hungry?" asked Tony as he pulled on his clothes.

            "Not particularly. Why? Do you want to get breakfast?"

            "Yeah."

            "I'll keep you company," offered Tim. "I should probably eat something." They walked down to the Mess Hall together. The act of sitting down to breakfast was such an ordinary act that it seemed bizarre under the circumstances. The only indication that anything was out of the ordinary was the silence between the two. Their normal banter took too much effort for them to maintain at the moment.

            "So what are you going to do today?" asked Tony quietly, scooping up some eggs.

            "I don't know. I didn't sleep last night so I might try and take a nap when we're finished." He glanced back down at his plate. "What about you?"

            "I need to find Darwin and Dagwood."

            "Why?"

            "Lucas, ah, left a recording for me to show them." Tony shifted uncomfortably and Tim dropped the subject. They finished their meal in silence then parted ways. While Tony went to try and locate Dagwood, Tim returned to his room. He tried to ignore the loneliness of being alone in the room as he stretched out on his bed. He let his mind wander, refusing to focus on any one thought. Although he felt much more relaxed, he was still unable to sleep. He stared unblinkingly at his ceiling. He did not remember closing them but he opened his eyes some time later to the sound of his PAL.

            "Tim, this is Commander Ford," said Jonathan as Tim answered the PAL.

            "Do you have news?" asked Tim anxiously.

            "Lucas stopped breathing on his own during the night. It's not looking good."

            "That's not good news but it could be worse," sighed Tim.

            "True. We spent the morning informing the others. Bridger, Dr. Westphalen, and Ben are on their way now."

            "What about his mother?" Tim watched the anger flicker in Jonathan's eyes and knew the answer.

            "She's not coming," he said tersely. Tim shook his head sadly. He did not see how Lucas's parents had managed to raise such a wonderful person.

            "Such a shame." Jonathan nodded in agreement.

            "We would like you to be part of the greeting parties," continued Jonathan.

            "Of course. Anything I can do to help."

            "Good. We are meeting in Captain Hudson's office right now to prepare before Dr. Westphalen arrives."

            "I'll be right there," said Tim closing the connection. Checking to make sure his clothes were not wrinkled, he left his room. "Captain, Commander," he said in greeting as he entered the meeting.

            "Lieutenant," said Hudson standing. "Please have a seat."

            "We just have a few things to go over," said Jonathan.

            "Commander Ford did not have the best relationship with Mr. Krieg or Dr. Westphalen. We wanted there to be a friendly face there to greet them," said Hudson. Tim nodded in agreement. He knew that Jonathan did not appear on either of their favorite people lists.

            "So what do I need to know?"

            "There really isn't very much," said Captain Hudson beginning the explanation. They spent the rest of the meeting going over restrictions for each person. They also discussed where to house each person. Tim managed to convince Hudson to add Dr. Westphalen to Lucas's list of doctors. He knew that she would not be able to stand by while someone else was responsible for Lucas's well being. Before he knew it, they were leaving the Captain's office and heading down to meet Dr. Westphalen who was arriving first.

"Kristin," greeted Tim moving to embrace her as she stepped off of the shuttle.

"Hey, Tim," she asked softly returning the hug. Jonathan stepped up next to embrace her. She seemed surprised and studied their faces for a moment. "How is he?" she asked finally.

"There have not been any changes in the past few hours."

"Can I see him?"

"We've cleared it so that you have access to all of his records. If you want to, you can become his doctor for the duration of your stay."

"Thank you," she said softly wiping away a few escaping tears.

"I'll take you to Medbay," offered Tim.

"I know the way," she replied with a slight smile.

"I don't think the Captain really wants you wandering around the boat," stated Tim with a shrug. "Besides, I figured you could use the company."

"Thanks. How are you holding up?" He paused for a moment considering her question.

"I think the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I have people depending on me," he answered finally. He had spent so much time worrying over Tony and Kim and the others that he had not really had a chance to sit down and think about the situation. He was worried that when he did he would fall apart.

"If you need to talk about it."

"Thanks but right now I'm just worried. Lucas's roommate is taking all of this really hard. I'm worried about him and about Lucas." She patted his shoulder. He glanced down at the fiery woman realizing that he had missed her friendship.  As they entered Medbay Dr. Perry came forward to meet them. "Dr. Westphalen, this is Dr. Perry. She's been in charge of Lucas's care. Dr. Perry, this is Dr. Westphalen. She'll be joining your staff for the time being."

Kristin shook hands with the woman then turned to Tim. "Thank you for walking with me."

"You're welcome, Doctor," he replied with a sad smile before leaving the room. He glanced at his watch noting that he had about half an hour before he had to report to greet Ben. He angled his course to take him by the moonpool. Lucas had left a couple of disks with Tony for Darwin and Dagwood. With luck, he would be able to catch Tony as he finished with Darwin.

"Hey," he called to Tony's rapidly retreating figure as he came into view of the moonpool.

"Sorry," called Tony waiting for him to catch up. As he neared, Tim noticed that Tony had been crying again. "Hi," mumbled Tony.

"Where are you heading?" asked Tim with a brief squeeze on Tony's shoulder.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I am just so tired of crying. That's all I've done for the past two days. I need somewhere that doesn't remind me of Lucas."

"Do you need to use my room for a while?" offered Tim.

"I don't want to take over your room," protested Tony shaking his head.

"Please. It will give you somewhere to recuperate."  Tim could see that Tony was wavering. "Look, I'll ask Hudson to move you to a guest room temporarily. You can just take my room in the interim."

"All right. Fine! I'll take your room." Tony raised his hands in mock surrender grinning at Tim. Tim grinned back slinging an arm about Tony's shoulders. Feeling lighter than they had all day, the two men walked companionably back to Tim's room. Glancing at his watch, he let Tony into his room.

"Don't worry about locking it behind you if you leave."

"You aren't coming in?"

"I can't. I have to be getting to Launch Bay to meet Ben."

"Ah. Tell him I said hello. And Tim?" he added as Tim began to leave.

"Yes?"

"Thanks." Tim smiled at him.

"You're welcome." Tim hurried through the corridor arriving breathless. He nodded to Captain Hudson and Jonathan who were already waiting.

"Glad you could join us, O'Neill," stated Hudson. Although his words were the same as he would have used before, Hudson's voice was gentler and the comment did not carry any sting.

"Sorry, sir," replied Tim with a shrug. He only had a minute or two to wait before the launch was asking for permission to dock. They waited patiently as the hatch cycled through and Ben emerged. Tim was shocked by Ben's appearance. His eyes were red and vacant, rimmed with dark shadows. He looked as though he had not eaten in some time.

"Ben," greeted Tim warmly willing to ignore his appearance. He moved forward to embrace his friend but Ben stepped back. Again, he did not press the issue.

"Is he still alive?" he asked dully.

"Yes," replied Tim. "He's stabilized for the moment. Would you like to go see him?"

"No!" he exclaimed startling everyone. "I mean, uh, I can't, um," he stammered. A confused expression flickered across his face and he fell silent waiting dumbly. Tim watched his friend worriedly. Things were not quite right with him.

"Mr. Ford," interrupted Hudson. "I am sure that Mr. Krieg is tired from his journey. Perhaps you should show him to his room."

"Yes, sir," replied Jonathan nodding for Ben to follow him.

"And Commander, remember what I said."

"What was that all about?" asked Tim staring as Hudson left the three men alone.

"It does not matter," replied Jonathan hastily. He picked up Ben's bag and led the way to Ben's quarters. "I am sorry that I can not stay," said Jonathan setting the bag by the door.

"It's not a problem," replied Ben flatly.

"Tim will be here," continued Jonathan surprising Tim. "I will be on the bridge if you need anything. Oh, and before I forget to give you this," he said pulling a disk out of his pocket and setting it on the table. "It's a copy of the note he left and his letter to you."

"OK."

"Well, I'll be going now," he said. Tim glanced at Ben one last time before following Jonathan out into the hall to get some answers.  

"What is going on?" asked Tim immediately. Jonathan sighed making sure that the door was closed securely.

"The Captain thinks that Ben might be close to a breakdown. I can't say that I disagree." Jonathan paused but Tim could say nothing to that statement. Having seen Ben, he knew that something was wrong. "We hope that if we keep him surrounded by people things will be easier for him."

"I see," said Tim with a frown. "Why wasn't I informed?"

"I was going to sit with Ben but we were never really friends. The Captain and I decided while we were waiting that it would be better if you stayed with him. I have to meet Captain Bridger anyway."

"OK," agreed Tim.

"Thanks." Jonathan clapped a hand on his shoulder then hurried away. Tim shook his head then re-entered Ben's room. Ben was laying stretched out on his bed sound asleep. Even sleep could not ease the lines etched in his face. Sighing, Tim moved to the closet to get a blanket to cover Ben's sleeping form. He glanced at the floor of the closet frowning at the clothes he found carefully piled there. He moved the clothes placing them in the empty dresser. Grabbing a blanket, he gently covered his friend. Pulling up a chair, he watched Ben sleep. He was dozing lightly when a soft knock at the door woke up him.

"Hey," whispered Tony poking his head in the door. He glanced quickly towards Ben who had not moved. "We're going to dinner. Want to join us?"

"I should stay here," said Tim shaking his head.

"He's asleep," argued Tony. "Join us. You'll be back before he wakes up."

Tim wavered indecisively before finally agreeing to join them. He slipped out into the hall. Lonnie smiled at him as she gave him a quick hug. They walked quietly down the corridor meeting the others in the Mess Hall. Tim moved through the line quickly not paying much attention to what he was putting on his plate. He placed his tray on the table where Kristin, Jonathan, and the Captains were also converging. The meal was pleasant. The friendly atmosphere belied the somber reason for their gathering.

"We should have done this before," said Tim quietly. "It would have been nice to have seen everyone."

"We should have done a lot of things differently," said Nathan in an equally quiet, regret-filled voice.

"We can't change the past," asserted Oliver gruffly.

"No, we can't," agreed Kristin sadly. They finished eating in silence. Soon Kristin was standing up to go put away her tray. Jonathan followed her handing her something. It looked like a disk and Tim guessed that it was Lucas's letters.

"What was that all about?" asked Nathan nodding to the duo.

"Let's discuss it in my quarters," suggested Hudson shifting uncomfortably. Nathan watched him nodding. They stood together and moved to throw away the rest of their food.

"I need to go, too," added Tim standing. Jonathan looked at him questioningly. "I need to check on Ben."

"I can do that," offered Jonathan.

"No, I can do it." Jonathan nodded and Tim left the table.

 "Ben?" asked Tim quietly as he peaked into the room. He did not want to wake the other man if he was still sleeping.  "Ben!" He cried out as he caught sight of the demolished room. He rushed over to where Ben was crumpled against the wall. "What happened?"

"What did I do wrong?" asked Ben plaintively. "Why do they always leave me?"

"Shh, it's OK," murmured Tim pulling out his PAL. "Medbay, could you send someone to collect Mr. Krieg? Uh-huh. He's destroyed his room but he does not seem violent right now. OK, thanks." He sat there silently listening to Ben babble as he waited for the medics to arrive. He looked around the room. It looked like a small tornado had touched down in here. It was his fault he realized glancing down at the sobbing man. He should never have left Ben alone.

"Tim?" asked Ben clutching at him suddenly. It was the first time he had used his name.

"Shh, Ben. What is it?" He spoke gently hoping to keep him calm.

"Will you help me?"

"What do you need?" asked Tim cautiously. He would do anything to help his friend but knowing Ben's frame of mind right now the question made him nervous.

"Kill me," begged Ben.

"What!" Tim sat back shocked. How could he say that? How could he suggest?

"Please," pleaded Ben beginning to sob again. "It hurts. Please help me. Please kill me. They all want to leave me. Why can't I die too?"

"Don't say that, Ben. You don't want to die," argued Tim frightened. He was terrified for his friend. For the first time, the thought crossed his head that he might lose Ben too. Ben did not answer him. Instead he pressed his face into the floor, crying. Tim could not help feeling relieved when the medics arrived. He was overwhelmed by the situation and was completely at a loss as to how to help his friend. He hoped that they would be able to do a better job. Ben began to struggle as the first medics started to restrain him.

"Get off!" he yelled. "Let me go! Let me go!"

            Tim tried to stay out of the way of the flailing hands as he did his best to help hold his friend down. Eventually, one of the medics was able to insert a needle into Ben's arm releasing a sedative. Slowly, Ben's struggling began to weaken and he finally slumped into unconsciousness. They quickly loaded him onto a stretcher and Tim followed along behind them as they rolled him to MedBay.  Tim took a seat in the waiting room while they took him back to a room. Taking out his PAL, he called Jonathan.

            "Hello," answered Jonathan distractedly.

            "Hey, it's Tim. You might want to come down by MedBay." Tim could not keep the guilt he felt from leeching into his voice.

            "What happened? Who's hurt?" asked Jonathan nearing panic.

            "Ben destroyed his room," replied Tim unemotionally. "He didn't hurt himself but he was crying when I found him. He- he asked me to kill him!" said Tim his voice breaking.

            "Oh God. I'll be right down." Jonathan closed the connection as Tim sat back heavily. He closed his eyes trying to block out the emotional roller coaster he had been on the past few days.

            "Lieutenant?" His eyes snapped open to find one of the nurses standing in front of him.  "Could you answer a few questions about Mr. Krieg?"

            "Sure," he replied tiredly sitting up straight. 'I wish everyone would leave me alone,' he thought to himself then felt another wave of guilt for thinking that.

            "We have partial access to his medical record due to the time he spent serving here on SeaQuest but there are several things we need to know. First of all, do you know if Mr. Krieg is on any medication at this time?"

            "I don't know," he answered truthfully. "I didn't see anything medications mixed in his luggage."

            "Thank you," she said jotting it down on her notepad. "Does Mr. Krieg have a history of mental illness?"

            "I'm not sure. He didn't when I knew him but a lot has changed since then. I think he might have suffered from some sort of breakdown while we were away."

            "Is there anyone who would know for sure?" Tim smiled humorlessly.

            "Lucas." Her eyes flickered towards the wing where Lucas was. The familiar half-grieving, half-sympathetic look came over her face. Tim nearly grimaced. He was getting so tired of that look. It seemed to be the only way people who had not been close to Lucas knew how to react to his friends.

            "In your opinion, Lieutenant, was Mr. Krieg a danger to himself?"

            "He didn't hurt himself when he very well could have," stated Tim softly, " but he did ask me to kill him."

            "So you believe he's suicidal?"

            "In that moment, he was," replied Tim. The nurse gave him a pitying glance and he realized that she thought he was in denial over his friend's behavior. In a way, he was but he also knew how very powerful grief could be. When Ben woke up, he might regret his words or he might still wish to fulfill them. Tim could not guess which it would be so he could not really answer the nurse's question.

            "Thank you, Lieutenant. You won't be allowed back to see Mr. Krieg for another half hour or so. He's still asleep from the medication. We'll probably keep him sedated for a few more hours."

            "Thanks." The nurse nodded to him then left him sitting alone in the waiting room again. Tim leaned back in the chair again. He closed his eyes for just a minute to rest them. He was exhausted and he had not slept much since the incident.

            "Tim," said Jonathan softly causing him to jump. His eyes snapped open and he blinked rapidly trying to convince himself that he had not fallen asleep. "Whoa. Easy."

            "Sorry," mumbled Tim, yawning.

            "When was the last time you slept?" asked Jonathan worriedly.

            "Don't worry about it. I'm fine," stated Tim irritably shaking off the concern.

            "Why don't you go lay down for a while?"

            "I want to wait here." Jonathan eyed him carefully.

            "How's Ben?" he asked innocently.

            "Sleeping. They said he won't wake up for several hours but we can go back and see him soon."  Jonathan waited quietly while Tim struggled to stay awake. He knew that Ford was looking for an excuse to send him to bed. In all honesty, he really could use a few hours sleep but he wanted to see Ben first.

            "You can come back now," said a new nurse from the doorway. She led them back to the only sound protected room in MedBay. Ben was lying still on the bed. His chest rose and fell in a soothing rhythm. Sleep could not hide the fatigue and grief that was still evident on his face. Restraints at his hands and feet further ruined the peaceful picture.

            "I'm sorry," whispered Tim. "I should have stayed with you. I should have been there when you woke up."

            "You didn't do anything wrong," argued Jonathan.

            "Yes, I did," replied Tim quietly, refusing to set aside his guilt.

            "We have to ask you to leave again," stated the nurse apologetically a few minutes later. "We don't want Mr. Krieg's rest being disturbed." Tim followed Jonathan out of the room yawning again.

            "All right," said Jonathan in a voice that dared him to argue. "You've seen Ben now you are going to bed."

            "But-"

            "No buts. You need sleep."

            "OK. OK. I'll go lay down." Tim felt humiliated as Jonathan walked with him back to his room and watched him climb into bed. "I'm not a child, you know."

            "I know," answered Jonathan seriously. "I just don't want you to wear yourself out worrying about everyone else." He smiled kindly. "I'll let you know when Ben wakes up."

            "Thanks."

            "Sleep well," said Jonathan pulling the door shut. Tim yawned again then closed his eyes and was asleep. A buzzing from his PAL woke him hours later.

            "Tim," he said groggily into the device.

            "Hey, Ben's awake. I'm going in to see him now," stated Jonathan.

            "OK," said Tim still slightly confused. "I'll be there soon." He sat up in his bed staring into space as he tried to pull himself together. He took a quick shower then put on some clean clothes before making his way down to MedBay. On the way, he passed Tony and Lonnie in the hall and spoke to them a moment. Jonathan was still in with Ben when he arrived. He took a seat by Ben's door listening to the murmur of voices from within the room.

 "How is he?" asked Tim as Jonathan emerged from Ben's room.

"Better. He's not going to do anything stupid right now but I still don't want him alone. He's asking to see Lucas. I figured I had better go talk to a nurse before I took him somewhere." He rubbed his face tiredly.

"Would you like me to go in and sit with him for a while?"

"Please," he replied with relief. "Where's Tony?"

"Lonnie's with him. I think they're reading." Jonathan nodded then went to find the nurse. Tim knocked on the door to Ben's room.

"Come in," said Ben. Tim entered hesitantly not knowing what kind of reception to expect.

"Hey," greeted Tim quietly when Ben did not say anything. . Ben glanced up then returned to staring at the wall.

"Hey," he replied just as quietly. The silence dragged out between them until it became uncomfortable. "I don't need a baby sitter, you know," he said bitterly.

"I know. I'll leave if you want me to but it's hard being alone during a time like this. It's easier not to think about things when there are other people around you." His voice wavered slightly. "I-I don't really want to go back to my room right now." He knew that he would not be able to go back to sleep and he did not want to sit around with just his thoughts for company.

"I'm sorry. Stay." He glanced over at Tim. "I'll be OK," he offered.

"I won't be," replied Tim laughing slightly as he wiped yet another batch of tears from his eyes.

"Yes, you will."

"I hope so," he whispered softly. They fell silent again but this time it was a more comforting silence.

"So how are you holding up?"

"I don't know. I've been so busy worrying about everyone else that I do not think the worst has hit me yet."

"It did not really hit me until I read his letter."

"I have not read it yet," admitted Tim. "I guess maybe I don't want to admit that this is really happening."

"Read it," ordered Ben softly. "You don't want to wait until too late."

"I won't," promised Tim glancing at the other man. An understanding passed between the two of them that transcended words. "So how are you doing?" continued Tim.

"Better," answered Ben simply as Jonathan re-entered the room with a nurse in tow.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Krieg?" asked the nurse.

"I am OK." She checked him over silently. "All right," she said. "I'm going to let you out of here now but I want you to take it easy. Here, take this."

As she watched him swallow the pill, she moved closer to Tim and Jonathan. "It's just a light sedative," she reassured them quietly, speaking low so that Ben would not overhear her. "It should keep him relatively calm while he's visiting Lucas. It would be best if he went somewhere quiet to rest afterwards but try not to leave him alone."

"We'll take care of him."

"Ready?" asked Tim looking at Ben. He nodded silently. He began to tremble slightly. "Come on," said Tim gently. He followed them docilely down the hall until they turned to enter Lucas's area.

"I can't," he said suddenly bracing himself against the doorway to stop his movement.

"Yes, you can," stated Jonathan firmly. Tim reached over and took Ben's hand silently reassuring him the way he would reassure a small child. Together, the three of them entered Lucas's room.

"Lucas," breathed Ben softly stepping forward. The other two back off to let him talk to Lucas in relative privacy.

"I should hate you, you know. I waited for you everyday for ten years. I never gave up hope. I never believed you were dead. The day I found out you were alive was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the one ray of sunshine in my bleak existence. Now you've taken that away and I may never see the sun again. I can't blame you though. I can't hate you. I understand what it's like when the pain consumes your existence and there does not seem to be any end. More than ever, I understand what it is like when you've crossed the last barrier and you can never go back. I understand what it is like to want to die." He paused wiping away his tears.

"You were wrong though. This was not the right way. You should not have done this. We would have helped you. It was not as hopeless as it seemed. You have hurt all of us more deeply than you could ever have imagined. We are the ones who have to live with your actions. We are the ones who have to help each other through the pain that you've caused. You are the one who has abandoned us. We would have been here for you if we had known. If you had let us. You were wrong but I forgive you. I forgive you for causing me pain. I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you. I love you."

Tim and Jonathan moved closer to stand behind Ben. They stared down at the silent, still figure. 'I love you, Lucas,' repeated Tim silently. He wiped at his tears again, realizing that he forgave Lucas for committing this act. God, the Bible….it did not matter. It still hurt that Lucas would do something like shooting himself but he forgave him.  

            "You ready to go?" asked Jonathan.

            "Yeah," said Ben softly.

            "Are you hungry?" asked Tim.

            "Not really," replied Ben listlessly. "I think I'd just like to go to my room." Tim and Jonathan exchanged worried glances.

            "All right. I'll take you there. You know you'll be rooming with Tony now right?"

            "Yeah. The Commander asked me." Tim took Ben gently by the elbow and steered him down the hall. Jonathan silent met Tim's backward glance, mouthing, 'Good Luck.'

            "Hey," said Tony, looking up as they entered the room. Lonnie and him were seated at the table going over some papers. He stood walking over to shake Ben's hands. They eyed each other uncertainly. Neither was completely comfortable rooming with a stranger but it beat the alternative.

            "I'll just leave you gentlemen to yourselves," said Lonnie, standing to leave.

            "Bye," Tim told her. "Jonathan should be alone right now."

            "Thanks." Tony and Ben turned to him as she left. He stared back wondering how on earth he was going to unite these two guys who so desperately needed each other.

            "Well, we could start with introducing ourselves but you already know each other's name," said Tim with a slight smile as he plopped down in a chair. "Seriously, you two share the distinction of being Lucas's best friends. I know you can find a common ground."

            "Yeah, how much we loved him," said Tony softly.

            "I don't know. Lucas used to tell me stories of pranks you pulled. They reminded me of my own antics on SeaQuest."

            "Sorry but I don't really feel like being funny right now."

            "It doesn't have to be about the laughs," reminded Tim gently. "You both had a similar outlook on life. You've also been through a lot of maturing changes."

            "You can't float through life forever. Sooner or later you have to stand up and make something of yourself."

            "You want to be the one everyone respects instead of the screw-up." They looked at each other nodding at their complimentary statements. Their conversation developed from there. They discussed Lucas and what he was like on the different tours. They were discussing their careers and how they ended up on SeaQuest when Tim decided that they did not need his assistance any more. He quietly stood and exited the room being careful not to disturb them. He went to his room and stared at his computer toying with the idea of reading Lucas's letter. He still had not decided when there was a knock at his door. He answered it to find Jonathan standing on the other side.

            "The doctors have called a meeting in the wardroom. They'll begin as soon as everyone has gathered." Tim felt the blood drain from his face.

            "I'll be right there." Jonathan nodded and hurried off to inform the others.

Tim entered the wardroom silently.  Lonnie was already seated at the table. She looked up at him through red, weeping eyes and he took a seat beside her. He knew that they were both worrying over the same thing. They were afraid they were going to tell him that he was dead. Tony and Ben took a seat to Tim's right. When Jonathan came in, he would sit beside Lonnie completing the group. Tim talked quietly with his friends trying to avoid any mention about the topic of the meeting. The Captain entered and sat watching them sadly. Eventually Jonathan came in with Captain Bridger. Everyone assembled; they waited. A hush fell over the room as Dr. Westphalen and Dr. Perry entered the room side by side. Coming to stand at the foot of the table, they faced the group.

"Gentlemen," began Dr. Perry. "I am sure that you all know the subject of this meeting."

"We are Lucas's family. No one on this boat will deny this fact. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully. We do not have to reach a decision right away but we will have to decide."

"As the swelling around Lucas's brain rose, the rate of brainwave activity dropped. We hoped that when the swelling stopped the rates would increase. Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."

"We monitored him throughout the day but the readings stayed the same. Every test we have run has confirmed the results," said Kristin, taking over for Dr. Perry. "We still want to monitor him for another twenty-four hours but as of right now, Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead." Tim's thoughts froze turning the phrase over in his head. He could barely comprehend Kristin's words as she continued to speak.

"Everything that was Lucas is gone. Physically, as long as we keep Lucas on life support, his body will continue to live. We have to decide whether to leave him on life support or to take him off and let him die."

"You want us to kill him!" shouted Tony standing up red-faced. A flash of pain flickered across Kristin's face.

"Sit down, Mr. Piccolo," ordered Hudson. "The doctor is merely presenting our options."

"I'm with Tony," stated Ben softly. "We can't kill him."

"It wouldn't be killing him," argued Jonathan. "If he's brain dead, then he's already gone."

"We have to consider what Lucas wants," whispered Tim. He felt like he was betraying his friends but saying this but he could not deny that Lucas would want them to let him go.

"I do not think anything should be decided right now," asserted Dr. Perry.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to make a decision like this," choked Nathan. Tim watched as he hurried out of the room. He sat there numb while the others moved around him. Jonathan continued to argue with Ben and Tony until the two finally stormed out of the room. Dimly, he wondered how much of their anger was a protection against other emotions. He wished he were angry. He wished he were crying. Instead, he just felt this numb emptiness that threatened to grow until it swallowed him.

"Tim?" asked Lonnie from his left.

"Huh?"

"Are you OK?"

"How can you ask that?" he asked turning his grief stricken eyes in her direction. "How could I possibly be OK?"

"Oh, Tim!" She embraced him. "It's going to be all right."

"No it's not," he told her sadly. "He's going to die. He's dead already. It will never be all right again." He felt Lonnie stiffen beside him.

"Let me talk to him," said Kimura, the source of Lonnie's discomfort. Vaguely, Tim wondered when she had entered the meeting because he did not remember seeing her before then.

"Kim," he whispered in a tortured voice, tears catching in his throat.

"I know. I know," she said as he clutched at her. Lonnie slowly backed away letting Kimura take over although she remained watching. "You can let go."

"I can't."

"You took care of everyone else. Let me take care of you." She gently helped him up from his seat. Before he could really register what was going on, she had him at his quarters. As they entered the room, the numbness broke like a cloud releasing a rainstorm. All of his tears came rushing out and they sank to the floor. She rocked gently while he held her and cried.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, embarrassed.

"Why?" she asked. He noticed the tear streaks glimmering on her face and did not reply.

"I didn't get to read his letter," he said softly.

"So read it now. You can still say goodbye."

"But he's gone."

"How do you know? Maybe he's waiting around for you."

"Maybe." He did not make any move to get up.

"Where's the letter?"

"E-mail." Kimura moved him gently to the side and went over to his computer.

"What's the password?" she asked loading the e-mail program.

"Ortiz."

"Here it is," she sat down beside him with the computer. The letter was open on the screen. As much as he wanted to avoid it at the moment, he could not ignore it and almost against his will, he began to read.

Dear Tim,

            Of everyone, I've been worried about how you are going to react the most. I am so afraid that you are going to hate me. Even if I am not around to bear the brunt of it, I can not bear the thought of you hating me. I know that what I am doing goes against your beliefs. I know that you won't understand. I'm just asking you please don't hate me. I wasn't raised the way you were. Your religion isn't my own. This is the only option I have. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me for it.

I am sorry that I never let you know exactly how I felt. You were going through so many problems that I did not want to add to your burden. You couldn't have helped me so I did not see the point. I wish things could have been different for me, for you, for all of us.  You don't deserve the way Hudson is treating you. I told him so. Maybe it will help. You didn't deserve the whole Kimura fiasco.  She hurt you pretty badly even though she never meant to hurt anyone least of all you. I've been talking to her recently. I can see why you fell in love with her. She really is a special person. I hope things can eventually work out between the two of you. You both deserve happiness.

Thank you for listening and talking to me. Our talks kept me sane through some of the rougher times. Your friendship is something that I value greatly. I think perhaps you understand me the best. You've understood the problems I have had adjusting to the military. I wonder sometimes what could have possibly influenced you to sign up. You also understand what it is like to be singled out because of the way you think. You love learning, which is hard for most people to understand. For some reason, they just don't seem to have the thirst for knowledge.  And you listen. So many times, it was such a relief just to have someone to listen to me. No judgments. No advice. Just someone to listen.

I thought sometimes that perhaps I had been placed on a ship of angels. I found a home here on SeaQuest. I found friends. Most of all, I found a family.  I am so glad that I had a chance to know you. Having known you and the others makes all of this worthwhile. You are the only reason I have made it this far. I can not thank you enough for being you. Thank you for letting me into your heart. I am sorry that I am going to betray your trust in this way.

If there had been another way, I would have taken it. There wasn't one. Don't blame yourself. Don't spend your time looking for something you could have done. There was no other choice. I am sorry that I am hurting you. I'm sorry that I can't stay around to listen to your problems. I am failing you as a friend by doing this. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please don't have me.

            Forever with love, your friend, Lucas

            "He can't go. I need him," sobbed Tim holding on to Kimura again.

            "I know. I know. I need him, too."

            "I want to hate him," he confessed. "It has to feel better than this but I can't. It hurts so much but I can't blame him. I can't hate him. Why did he do this? Why?"

            "Because he was lost and confused and he couldn't see beyond his own pain. He couldn't see that this wasn't the answer."

            "He was so young! He had so much to live for! How could he go and throw it all away? How could he go and throw us all away?"

            "He didn't know. He knew that we loved him but he didn't really know. I don't believe that if he had really realized how much he meant to us that he would have done this."

            "Then it's our fault," he replied dejectedly. "If we had just shown him better, he would still be here."

            "It doesn't work like that," she argued gently. "Lucas just wasn't capable of seeing our love." She helped Tim to his feet. "Come on. Let's go say goodbye."

            "I can't. I can't!" He tried to jerk away from her.

            "Yes, you can," she said soothingly. She led him carefully out of the room. Slowly, they made their way down to MedBay ignoring everyone they passed. The room was already occupied when they got there.

            "I was just leaving," said Hudson after a glance at Tim. Tim did not notice his presence. He was completely focused on the figure in the bed. Kimura stepped back to let him be alone.

            "I'm sorry I waited so long to read your letter," he said softly. "It was a very nice letter. Really. I think I was pretending that as long as I didn't read the letter, you couldn't die. I wish life worked like that. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're right that I don't agree with what you did. Suicide wasn't the answer. Suicide is just an escape. It leaves everyone else to bear the burden.  But I don't hate you. I forgive you. I love you, Lucas. You are such a wonderful, amazing person. I just wish you could have realized this while you were still alive." He bowed his head for a moment. "Goodbye," he whispered, kissing Lucas softly on the forehead. He turned and left the room with Kimura on his heels. He did not stop walking until he reached the moonpool. Kimura wrapped her arms around him as they sat there by the water.

            "Tim?" asked Tony softly as he entered the moonpool. He stopped in surprise as he sat Kimura then continued. "Captain Bridger's called a meeting. I think he's made a decision."

            "We're coming," answered Tim. They followed Tony down the corridor. The others had already arrived when they got there. They sat huddled with their friends as they waited for Bridger to speak.

"Gentlemen," began Kristin. "Captain Bridger has something he'd like to say."

"We have no choice," started Nathan staring at the room through desolate eyes. "We have to let Lucas go. It is painfully clear that we can not keep him here. He's slipping away from us as we speak. We have it in our power to grant his last wish. To allow him to die here on SeaQuest surrounded by his friends and family." He paused, wiping at the tears. "We have to let him go."

            Silence greeted his statement. No one could argue with him. Regardless of their opinion, they could not tell Nathan no. Tim bowed his head. His shoulders shook as the tears poured down his cheeks. He knew that this was going to happen. He had just finished saying goodbye. But it hurt so much. It felt like he was losing him all over again.

            "What do we do now?" asked Lonnie finally.

            "I have a few tests to run but other than that when and where is up to you."

            "As soon as possible," said Tony. "I don't know how much longer I can go through this."

            "Please," echoed Nathan.

            "Can we move him to the moonpool?" asked Tim lifting his head. "He spent so much time there."

            "That's an excellent idea. There will be room for everyone there." She paused scanning the room. "I'll go run those tests then we'll move him and everyone can say goodbye." She left the room leaving them to sit in silent grief. Instinctively, they all clung to each other. When Nathan stood and made his way to Lucas's room, they all followed along after him. He began looking through the drawers while they piled into the small room. He smiled sadly as he pulled out Lucas's Florida Marlins jersey.

            "He'll be buried in his dress whites," he said choking over the word buried. "He should be wearing this now." He left to take the shirt to Kristin but they all remained. Stuffed together in the room, they began going through his belonging reminiscing over each item. They all cried as they passed around photos and played videos on his computer. The music that they used to dread sounded bittersweet. Any laughter held barely contained tears. Slowly one by one, they peeled away to say their goodbyes. Tim stood silently through his last visit with Lucas. He memorized every shadow on Lucas's face, every eyelash. He wanted to be able to put the image to paper later. Gently, he gave Lucas an awkward hug, whispering a prayer in his ear.

            "Take him home, God." He paused one last time in the doorway. "Goodbye."

            He did not watch as they transported him to the moonpool. He entered with the rest of the group and crowded around him. Most of the equipment had been removed. Only the respirator, EKG and heart monitor remained. Even the bandage around his head had been removed. More than ever, he looked like he was merely sleeping. Everyone was there. Kristin stood by Nathan. She could not be a doctor at a moment like this. Tears poured down her cheeks as she waited, grieving. Jonathan and Lonnie held each other close getting support from their bond. Captain Hudson stood at attention. The streaks down his face were the only sign of his grief.  Tony and Ben stood together sobbing. Kimura moved closer to Tim and silently slid her arm around his waist. He glanced down at her briefly, pulling her closer. Even Dagwood stood by Darwin bobbing in the water. If a dolphin could be said to look sad, Darwin did. Dagwood wore a confused expression. Even though he was not completely sure what was going on, he knew that it was not good and it made him sad. Beyond the small group that had become a family, other members of the SeaQuest crew stood mourning.

            Silently, Dr. Perry shut off the respirator. She quickly worked to remove the tubing from his airway. The EKG showed a miniscule surge of activity then went still again.

            "Lucas say thank you," came Darwin's voice causing everyone to jump.

            They waited breathlessly while tears poured down their cheeks. Lucas's chest rose and fell once. Again. The steady alarm from the heart monitor filled the room and his chest did not rise again. He was gone.