By West Wind
Rating: PG
Pairing: 4XC
Disclaimer: I don't own the Gundam Wing characters.
This is it. This chapter of my life is finished I tell myself as I pick up my belongings and walk out the trailer door one last time. All I have ever known, is gone or soon will be. As I look around I see what remains of the once thriving circus. It has become a mer shadow of its former glory.
I watch them taking down the old tattered tent and see in my mind's eye the once noble main tent that housed the stage for us to perform in. The place where families laughed at the clowns, gasped at the daringness of performers suspended in air, and ohhed and awed at the animals moving through their paces. They bought cotton candy and peanuts to munch on, and in the end, they took home cherished memories with their souvenirs.
This was home. The only home I truly remember, and now it is gone. The animals have been sold and taken way days ago. Once everyone moves out, the trailers will be next. I shake my head at the grief and loss that fills my core. It has been there since the announcement was made about the closing. After years of low attendance, the owners opted for closing us. They had tried to find a buyer, but no one wanted to buy a failing circus.
That first night, I cried till there were no more tears. I cried softly at first. Tears streaming down my face, and I let them fall where they would. Soft choking sounds sporadically sprung from my throat. All I could think about was the feeling of walls falling in around me and the earth shaking beneath me. I had been through so much over the years and all of it I approached head on. This shook me and threw me off my foundation. Before, no matter what was going on, I could always rely on my friends at the circus for support. Now that would be gone, and I would be alone. That is when my body started trembling with grief and loud sobbing spilled from my mouth. I clutched my pillow to me and buried my face in it as I rocked side to side in the middle of my bed. Finally I felt num. There was nothing when I thought about it. There were no tears, no cries of pain, and no emotions. Then I called Trowa to tell him, and I cried more.
I was not the only one. Many of us had puffy red rimmed eyes the next day; yet, we went about our business as if nothing had happened. We said nothing to each other about it until later in the day, and then, only in soft mournful whispers among a huddled group. We were all in a state of uncertainty desperately trying to wrap our minds around the cold reality life had thrown at us and plot what to do next.
Now I am one of the last to leave. I am still unsure of what I am going to do. I could have joined another circus as some of the others had, but it just does not feel right. I have to try something different. Stretch my wings and see if I can fly.
I once again gather my bags to me and make my way to the awaiting taxi. The driver helps me load my bags in the trunk before I get in. I give him the address of the apartment building I have temporarily rented a place at, and he speed off toward my new life. He stopped in front of the building and I get out. He tells me how much, and I pull out the dictated amount. I hand him the bills before he gets out and helps unload my things.
I readjust the strap of one of the bags on my shoulder as the taxi pulls away, and I turn to my new home. It is an older six-story apartment building. Probably as old as the colony I am on. It has at least been taken care of. I climb the front stairs and open the metal door. After making my way to the elevator and to the fourth floor, I enter my one room furnished apartment.
Dropping the bags on the sofa, I collapse into the chair. I take in my surroundings. It smells a bit musty still, even after I brought air fresheners for the place on my last trip. It is not much, but it will do until I find a job and can afford something better. I do not want to blow through my whole savings on rent for only a few months.
I pull myself from the chair and walk to the refrigerator along the wall that served as a kitchen. I open it and retrieve a can of soda to help boost my energy level. Turning back to the task of unpacking, I grab one of the bags I just brought in. I stuff the cloths into the appropriate drawers or closet. That is mostly what I have, cloths, a few books, a box of memorabilia which will stay unopened, and a few pictures.
I smile as I pull out the picture of Trowa and his wife. He actually is smiling in it. I am so glad he found a woman that could make him smile like that. I sure tried. I would get a smirk sometimes but never a smile.
They had invited me to stay with them, but I just don't feel right about accepting their genuine offer. They have not been married two months yet, and I would feel like I am imposing. I want to try to stand on my own two feet and work through my loss on my own.
When he first told me he was seeing someone, I feared she was not right
for him or would hurt him. She did neither. Once I meet her, I knew how
right she was for him. I think back on that time with mirth.
~ Flashback ~
Trowa had left the circus over a year ago and became a Preventer agent. He treasured the fact that the world was at peace, yet a part of him felt the need to be active in keeping the hard won prize. I could see it in his eyes before he left. He was restless like a caged animal. Once I finally got him to admit what was eating at him, I told him not to let me hold him back. I could take care of myself, and he needed to do what he felt he needed to do.
I punch in his number for our weekly conversation. His half-hidden face appears on the screen, and we start chatting.
"I am seeing someone," Trowa says completely out of the blue.
I am shocked. I know it is silly of me, but I never considered Trowa ever dating. My mouth falls open as I try to come to terms with Trowa's bombshell. I must look ridiculous because I got a smirk out to him.
"You're seeing someone…" I sputter once I got over the initial shock. "Who is she? What's she like?"
I pelt him with questions about the woman and how he met her.
"One question at a time," he calmly responds with hands upraised signaling I should put on my breaks.
While I wait for his reply, a flurry of emotions courses through me. I am happy that Trowa is actually being social, making friends. There is a bit of jealousy of the new girl in his life creeping in around the edges. Fear that he might get hurt spun out of control. I managed to reign the runaway emotions in as he started to tell me of his girlfriend.
"Her name is Relena," he starts and flashes me a reassuring smirk as if he can read my thoughts.
He probably can. They are probably all clearly written on my face for him to read.
I roll the name over savoring its familiarness. I know I have heard it someplace before, but my emotion charged brain just would not find the connection.
"You will like her," he assures. "She is a friend of Heero's."
"Does she talk much," I tease remembering how talkative Heero had been, or not been.
"She talks quite a bit," he says ignoring my attempt at being funny,
As our conversation continues, I learn that Heero actually set them up on a date. It had been a successful first date, and they continued to see each other when their schedules permitted.
I could tell that Trowa was enamored with this woman. She must truly be something.
A few weeks later, I am pleasantly surprised when Trowa and Relena stop by the circus unannounced. Upon meeting the girl that has opened Trowa's heart, I like her immediately, well once I get over the shock of whom she is. He never told me she was THE Relena Peacecraft. Relena pokes him only half mockingly in the ribs for not telling me before hand. He catches her attacking hand with his and holds onto it throughout the rest of the introductions.
I smile at their interaction and think what a good pair they make.
~ end flashback ~ Less than two months ago, Heero, Trowa and Relena sweep down on the circus and carried me away to be their second witness at their unplanned wedding. They had been engaged for a few months. As they started the planing process, it only became more and more complicated. A fed up Relena suggested that they elope. Trowa agreed, and Heero made the arraignments. I was the last element they needed.
It was a beautiful small wedding, and I am glad I got to witness it.
"Well, enough of the reminiscing," I tell myself as I place the picture
on top of the bookcase.
It has been over a month since leaving the circus and still no job. I called most of the places that teach gymnastics seeing if they were in need of instructors. With my background and experience, I believe it is something I am qualified to do, but none of them are looking for teachers.
With that idea blown, I search through the help wanted ads for ideas on what I could do. The hard part is finding something I am qualified for. Most of the places I apply turn me down as not being qualified. I can't even get a simple office job filing. It does not help that the job market is saturated at the moment.
I am getting frustrated. I have enough money to live on for a few more months, but I really want a job soon to keep from going stir crazy. Sitting in one's apartment all the time causes insanity. I go for walks or runs often and perform the warm up exercises from my old routines to help keep in shape.
On one such walk, I decide to stop in at a bookstore just to look around. A notebook-sized book with a burgundy cover catches my eye. In gold letters on the front is the word "Memoirs." It is on sale for half price. I open the book and am greeted by neatly lined pages with page numbers center bottom of the page. Before I know it, I am at the register buying the book.
I walk home and toss my newly acquired book on the table. I do not know what I am going to do with it. I fix dinner and sit in front of the TV. There is nothing on as usual. I flip off the TV, and I find myself thinking about the past. It only highness the loneliness I am feeling. I still have not fully adapted to the loss of my way of life. I have lots of good memories from there and the places I have seen. That was one of the benefits of working at the circus. I got to travel more places that most people ever dreamed of.
My eyes light on the day's earlier purchase. I leave my seat and pick it up. I run my hand down its smooth edge reverently.
"Memoirs," it says.
I have a life history I could start to put down in its pages. I grab a pen and curl up on the couch. I open it to the first page. I gaze at the wall for a moment wondering where to start. The beginning is usually a good place. I place pen to paper and start writing… The circus wagon raced down the road while the conflict raged around them. Explosions were coming closer and closer to their location and it was becoming harder to control the horses especially with his son held protectively in his grasp. The man feared for his family's life and cursed his stubbornness that prodded him to meet up with the others when the conflict around them was coming to a boil. He glanced at his wife and daughter beside him and pressed the horses faster to get them to safety. The horses galloped on along the road as fast as they could. They're bridal and gear jingling with each movement. Just then the little wagon was hit. It shattered into pieces. As the man was thrown from his seat, his son was thrown from his grasp.
Hours later the young auburn haired girl freed herself from their wagon's remains. She took in the surroundings. Their home was destroyed. She turned to the still form of her mother.
"Mom," she said timidly as she shook her mom, but there was no response. "Mom!" she tried again. "MOM!" she cried as she noticed there was no sign of life from the woman.
She bravely held back her tears of grief as she went to find her father. She moved around to the wreckage to the other side. Her father lay beside the road. He was covered with blood.
"Dad," she started and again no response.
She approached the bloody form. She checked for a pulse and found none. That was it she had lost both her parents. Tears crept down her cheeks as the loss. Soon sobs were wracking her small body with sorrow as she cried her little heart out. Slowly her tears slowed and a slight bit of reason came back to her. Her brother was not with her father. She had seen him fly from their father's arms as she was tossed from the cart. She had to find him. She started to wander around the area in search, but there was no sign of him. She called out his name, but there was no response. She was alone, and the young girl did not know what to do. It was too much for her so she just sat in the middle of her wrecked home and cried. She eventually drifted off to sleep.
A large hand shook her awake.
"Catherine?" questioned a concerned voice.
Catherine looked up at the larger man.
"I am Craig Jones, the manager," he stated. "When you and your family did not show up and we heard about the fighting, we came looking for you," he explained.
Catherine looked around and saw others moving around the area before turning her attention to the man hovering over her.
"They are dead," she murmured, "and I can't find my brother."
Tears threatened to tumble over her lower eyelid once again. She sniffled and tried to hold them back but could not.
"I know," the man whispered.
"Why do people have to fight? Why do they have to kill and take away people's families?"
"I don't have the answer, sweetie," he said as he pulled the now crying child into his arms. "Come, we will take care of you." That was something I had not allowed myself to think about in years. I had pushed that memory back, wanting to forget that horrific day, even though there was no way I could forget it. It is engrained into my very fiber. I can still see the sight that greeted me upon waking after the wagon's destruction as clear now as the day it occurred. The stillness of my mother and the blood covering my father are etched in my memory. My poor missing sweet brother. I do not remember much about him. He was a little younger than me with brown hair and mother's eyes. He also had a birthmark on his posterior. I remember making fun of him about it, and he would hide behind Mom's skirt. He was quiet, much like Trowa. I think that is why I took Trowa under my wing. He reminds me of my brother, and in so many ways he has become my surrogate brother.
Once I finish with the death of my parents and my adoption by the circus,
I feel like a burden I did not realize I was carrying was now gone. I feel
drained but peaceful. I crawl into bed and am asleep within minutes.
Days slowly slip by and I find myself spending more and more time with pen in hand. I pour my feelings out through the ink marks on the page and wrestle with events that make me who I am. Pages slowly fill as I lay out my emotionally charged past. As I write I find myself facing issues I have been avoiding for too long. Other times I skip over them until I am ready to face them.
I pick up my tale where I left off after the death of my family. I chew on the end of the pen as I remember being scooped up by Craig who made me feel safe. He carried me back to the car they came in and took me to the circus. Catherine woke in a strange bed and disoriented. Frightened she made her way out of the small room looking for her parents. Instead she found the man from the accident. Her young mind filled with the pictures from the shattered wagon, and she tried her best to come to an understanding. She began to shake at the memories. Tears rolled from her eyes.
Craig once again scooped her up in his arms and rocked her until her tears stopped.
"It's ok to cry," he soothingly assured her.
"Th-There go-onnne," she stuttered out.
"I know," he gently said as he smoothed her curls. "I know."
~~~
A few days later, they buried her parents. She tried to be what she thought was adult like and not cry, but the tears tended to creep out her eyes. Craig held her hand through the entire thing lending the sole survivor his support.
After the funeral, Catherine continued to stay with Craig Jones. He took Catherine in, adopted her, and raised her as his own daughter. With the loss of her family, Catherine clung to the friendly man. He held her in the night when she awoke screaming with the nightmares of that day haunting her. Time and Craig's love and support eventually eased the terror she felt. Eventually she once again laughed and played with the other children. She made friends, and most of the time it was like she had never lived anywhere else.
All was well until she was twelve. That was when the man she now called father started to loose his ongoing struggle with an autoimmune disease. His body was destroying itself and there was not much that could be done. Catherine was ever present at his side through his long illness. As time passed she watched the once able-bodied man wither away. Jason Thornburg took over the manager position and helped Catherine take care of his predecessor along with the other circus members.
When Catherine neared fourteen, Craig lost his battle, and she was parentless once more. Those at the circus gave her support and helped her through her time of grief. They were all her family now. She moved in with May, who had become like an older sister to Catherine. May was in her early twenties and had lost her parents a few years back. That had helped bring them together. It might not be the most detailed account of what happened, but I could not find it in me to delve much deeper into the long painful process of loosing Craig. It was so painful to watch him fade never knowing if today would be his last day. Some days he was so bad, I wished he would die then so he could be free of the pain. On days that were better, that was the furthest thought from my mind. In many respects, it was harder loosing Craig than it was my parents. Maybe in the future I will be ready to examine that part of my life more closely, but for now that would have to do.
I put down my book and pen and prepare for bed. I plan on sending out a few more résumés, and making a few follow-up calls. I have decided that if I have no good leads by the end of the week, I am going to try a temp or placement agency. I figure it will not hurt. I need to just get my foot in the door someplace, and I can move on from there.
I close my eyes, but sleep does not come. Despair fills me. I have no
job. No one wants to hire me. I have no friends around. I have no family.
They all die and leave me alone.
I squeeze my eyes shut against the forming tears and the overwhelming since of uselessness. Add to that the feeling of being unwanted, of loneliness, and of the world is out to get me, I want to crumble beneath the weight. I doubt if I will ever succeed outside the circus, and I wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe I should have gone to earth to live with Trowa and Relena.
The thought of Trowa shines a bit of light into my ever-darkening mood.
He is the one person I consider family that is still with me, and I know
he will always be there for me. I cling to him and Relena as a drowning
man to a passing log. Knowing they are there is enough to keep me afloat
for a bit longer before I either surrender to the waves or make it to shore.
It helps me quiet some of my nagging demons so I can sleep.
Thanks for reading and PLEASE send me feedback.