Eight ~ Forward/Back II
The air inside the tiny pod grew cold and frigid. The oxygen could be recycled for well over a year, but they would have perished through thirst and hunger long before then. The supplies inside would last them nearly six months if they were careful. But they would be wasted and sick from the confinement.
They huddled together for warmth, keeping Trance in the middle of them. Whatever she had done to heal Harper had drained her. Dark circles had formed under her eyes and she dozed fitfully, waking every so often to ask Harper if he was OK. They gave up asking her what she had done; they never received an answer.
While she slept the two of them sat in silence, too shocked by the destruction of the Andromeda and the lose of their friends to make conversation. The scene out of the tiny portal was beyond anything they had ever seen. So many lives…
Lauren stayed alert, checking Trance and Harper's vital signs every so often, the questions in her mind about what she had seen keeping her awake even if her sense of duty hadn't. The alien girl hugged her knees and fell asleep. Harper dozed too in the warmth of their bodies pressed so close.
Some hours later, a Gol'Frei rescue scout found them….
******
Harper looked out of the window and saw nothing but debris. Pieces of ship, engines… even people… floated in the void for as far as the eye could see.
What was there left?
He wanted…
No, he needed to see Trance, but when she wasn't sleeping, she was helping tend the wounded in the medical bays. The scouts picked up many survivors… and five times as many corpses. He had volunteered for the duty himself when he'd been given a clean bill of health.
He knew his questions would have to wait.
He wanted to know how she had healed him and tell her about the wonderful dream he had had.
Near death experiences….
He'd heard about them, of course. And had even met a girl once who'd claimed to have had one. But he had never believed in them.
Until now.
The Light…the peace… One day he would go there and belong in love. It was so much comfort to know that was waiting for him on the Other Side. Pain and sorrow might define his existence here, but he would know peace.
"Seamus?"
Lauren touched his arm and he smiled. She held two mugs of coffee and offered him one. He took it gratefully. The ships doc was probably his best friend after Trance, but he always got the feeling she was hiding something.
******
"She was in love with you?" Trance guessed.
"Yeah…" Harper shrugged, "guess I was a bit blind."
******
"I'm worried about Trance." Lauren said quietly.
"Yeah, me too."
"I've never seen her like this." Lauren sipped her mug, "she's so….lifeless."
"Yeah…guess its…" Harper settled on the floor and leant back against the window. "Everything is gone, y'know?"
"I don't…" she looked awkward and stopped the thought before she could finish it.
"Don't what?"
"I don't think that's it. She changed after…after she healed you."
Healed….
His heart rate leapt at the thought of answers…"What happened in the pod?"
Lauren looked away, "I don't even wanna think about that!"
"Laurie…I need to know." He wasn't good with conversations like these; they were too close; too personal. "I gotta know what's wrong with Trance."
Hurt flashed across her eyes and he didn't know why.
"Please…"
"I hated seeing you like that, OK. And I couldn't help you! I just had to watch… I'm a doctor and I… there was nothing I could do."
So that was the hurt he'd seen?
Maybe…
But his gut was telling him 'no.'
No, he didn't want to deal with this right now. Once again his questions would have to wait…
He sighed and let his eyes return to the starscape and watched the flotsam drift. They had won the battle but so far no-one knew who had won the war.
Did it matter?
Harper did not believe in winners and losers anymore. There were only participants, each winning against his own personal demons and losing against them too. And all in different ways.
How many of the frozen, torn corpses out there, hanging limply in the endless black of space came from the winning side? Thousands probably, and they had all won the same prize as the losers.
Death…
The Universe's great equaliser.
Everyone is born; everyone will die. An unchanging constant
"I wonder where Dylan is…if he's OK."
At her words, Harper realised they been silent for a long time.
He didn't know the answer to that, he could only hope that he had survived. And Rommie too…
The though of the ships death brought a raw ache to his heart. His ship…
His Rommie…
Had her avatar survived being cut off from the ship? Had she even had time to get to a lifepod?
The uncertainty was somehow even more terrible that knowing the truth. He had been out on several runs already in a little Scout, picking up the pods, the corpses…
It wasn't pleasant work; most of the people were dead. And each one brought a flash of hope that it was Beka or Dylan. And it was followed by a wave of relief each time the corpse turned out to be someone else.
He hated himself for that.
He and Trance were all that was left…and Lauren too; he quickly amended, telling himself that he had only been thinking in terms of the original crew and not…
Not what?
He and Trance… It just went together, no questions, no arguments.
And no suggestions of a third party either.
Lauren finished her mug of coffee and smiled, "gotta get back to it. When's your next run?"
Harper shuddered at the thought of more decaying bodies… "Coupla hours."
She squeezed his arm and went to walk out the door. She stopped.
Trance stood there, her skin pale and wan.
"Trance?"
Harper ran over to her, fear twisting in his stomach. He pulled her into his arms even before he realised what he was doing. And something far deeper twisted his heart at the feel of her body pressed so close to his.
Trance buried herself in his embrace and Lauren felt tears well in her eyes.
She knew what was wrong…
She reached out and brushed Trances' hair from her eyes, saying the words for her, "they found Dylan's body."
******
Harper lay on the rough mattress, trying to sleep. Somehow, he didn't think he'd ever be able to sleep again.
Trance….
He had learned her break times and knew she was currently sleeping. He didn't know what to say to her, or think about her anymore. They were friends… weren't they?
No…they were at that point, though, the one where looks and smiles suddenly have a different meaning…
And you're just beginning to realise it.
Lauren joked about him and Trance, and sometimes her comments were quite sharp. But he'd always guessed that was her personality.
Maybe she was sensing something…
He pulled back the covers with a sigh. There was no way he was getting to sleep so he began to wander the empty corridors of the freighter. He finally found himself at the cargo bay that was being used for the female survivors to sleep in and he recognised the purple form of his best friend quite easily among the more sedate colours of the human animal.
He sat down at her side, resting against the wall and watched her sleep. She was very pretty…in a purple little girl way.
He felt his eyes close involuntarily and his head jerked up. He was falling asleep…
At last…
When had he last slept? On the pod?
That had been over 40 hours ago.
40 hours? Was that all? God, it felt like a lifetime already.
He sighed; maybe he could just have a doze…
He shifted position and lay in the narrow gap between Trance and another woman, pillowing his head on his arm. He looked across at Trance and smiled at the lock of blonde hair hanging loose. He reached out and brushed it behind her ear.
Her eyes flickered and she mumbled something.
"Shh…" he murmured, "s'OK."
The girl wriggled a little and curled into his side. His arm automatically went around her and she snuggled in close.
******
"Hey, Hopper! Hooper, whatever the hell you're called, quit cuddling yer babe. Time to go."
Harper opened his eyes and groaned. His arm was completely numb; his neck had a crick the size of the Grand Canyon and even worse that jerk Mitchell was rabbiting at him.
He gently disentangled his limbs from Trance's and hushed Mitchell; afraid the big goof would wake her.
"C'mon, it's our shift." He said more quietly, "looked everywhere for ya. Wouldn'ta found you at all if it weren't for that doc friend of yours."
So Lauren had guessed he was with Trance… Why did that bother him?
He carefully pulled the blanket around Trance to make up for the loss of his body warmth and got up. Mitchell was already half way to the cargo bay doors when he caught up with him and as he fell into step with the man. He could hear him muttering under his breath; something about having to spend yet another six hours cramped in a Scout with 'some no-hoper and a buncha corpses.' Harper decided it was gonna be a long day.
******
Four hours and thirty-five minutes later, the day hit a high. Harper pulled a life pod in; his heart had begun racing the moment he'd seen its markings. It was from the Maru. He barely waited until the airlock had finished pressurising before he opened it.
The single man bullet shaped craft in the airlock relied on cryogenics to protect its occupant. He looked into the window through the ice crystals that had formed on the glass.
He saw her face, blood stained and pale, with those deeply shadowed eyes… and the blonde stubble on her scalp.
"Beka…"
He keyed in the release, praying she was OK.
He opened the casing…. And the day hit rock bottom.
The smell hit him even before he could check her vitals. She'd been dead a long time… the cryos had failed even to keep the body fresh.
He fell back on the deck, choking on the bile that had risen to the back of his throat.
Mitchell covered his nose. "Jeez, someone wasn't big on perfume was she?"
Harper had the guy by the throat and rammed him against the bulkhead without even realising it. Rage, grief, bitterness… his body shook with the force of his feelings.
Mitchell hit him across the jaw.
He fell back and his anger vanished, replaced by sorrow. But he couldn't cry. Not in front of this jerk… maybe not ever…
Tears had always felt selfish and empty to him.
Mitchell knelt at his side, looking awkward and apologetic. "Knew her, huh?"
"Yeah…"
******
His mother had always told him that for every sorrow there was joy. Harper had learned that while his life had never run to 50-50 with that, there was some truth in it.
He carried Beka's body himself, cradling her in his arms as he walked to the morgue. She was a slight woman, even more so in the last year. Eating and sleeping were luxuries that Beka didn't allow herself. And when he got to the morgue, his heart leapt. Standing outside was Rosa.
Her little face broke into a grin when she saw him and he did his best to hide Beka's injuries from her. He kept his eye on the little girl as he took Beka into the morgue and laid her on a slab; afraid she'd vanish like a dream if he so much as blinked. The little girl made no attempt to follow him. She had obviously been told to wait.
And a good little Nietzschean girl does as she's told.
He covered Beka and let the morgue. Rosa's face was set when he knelt down as if she knew what he wanted to ask. "Rosa…your da…?"
"Krin says he doesn't know." She told him.
"And ya mother?"
"Dead."
He cupped her little head in his hand, "I'm sorry."
"That's OK." She said with good Nietzschean confidence. "Daddy had three wives, so I have three mothers really. I can spare one."
Harper felt a chuckle tickle out of his chest. Tyr would be very proud of his eldest child right now.
"Rosa!"
Harper turned to see Tyr's second, Krin, staring at them. He shuddered at the thought of leaving Tyr rescue and Tyr's children to the tender mercies of this bastard.
Krin addressed Rosa as if Harper wasn't even there. "It is time to go."
Harper met his eyes, "Tyr?"
"If he survives, we will find him." He stepped closer; "it is not you're concern."
Rosa did not murmur when Krin gripped her shoulder and propelled her forward, but she did give Harper a last smile before they disappeared.
******
The following morning the main Gol'Frei freighter cruiser was decked with the flags of the hundred or so Commonwealth worlds that had lost soldiers in the battle. The central hall filled with species of every kind, all united in their grief and their desire to pay their respects to the fallen.
When Harper arrived, the hall was so full of beings that he was forced to stand at the back. He searched the faces for one particular purple one, but she wasn't there. He didn't blame her for not attending. He had been to one too many of these things in his life to ever want to attend any more.
And yet he kept on going…
The memorial service was long. Many people spoke of Dylan's bravery and the vision he had had for the restoration of the Commonwealth. Harper found their sentiments to be false and glib.
He knew the man…
But he did not speak. He wasn't about to sully Dylan's memory for the gawking, mawkish masses in the hall.
He felt someone take his hand and he turned, a smile on his face. It wavered a little when he saw it was Lauren and not Trance.
"Hey…" She whispered.
"Where's Trance?"
He was surprised by the brief glint of anger in her eyes, but it was gone so quick he couldn't really be sure he'd seen it.
"She said she'd be along in a minute. I think them finding D…finding the body kinda shook her." She looked guilty…and maybe some other emotion flickered in her eyes. "I didn't tell her about Beka…I thought…I thought you'd wanna do that."
He nodded and they turned their attention to the memorials.
"…And with the going down of the sun, we will remember them."
Harper let the words fade into the background and his eyes unfocused. His mind's eye drifted and the pictures it showed him were far more vibrant and real than the sights in the hall.
Everything narrowed until the only sense he had was of Lauren's hand in his. And when that finally ceased, his imagination flowed and ebbed like the tide.
"It is time to begin your journey, Harper…"
He flinched, gasping as if water had been thrown in his face.
Lauren reached out to steady him, her arm snaking around his waist. Her touch was light, but steadying. "What?"
"I thought…did you…hear…?"
Then he noticed the tears on her cheeks, she brushed them away self-consciously but he envied her that ease of emotion. He held out his arms and let her cuddle into his embrace. She curled there like a little girl seeking the reassurance of her parent. He let his cheek rest upon the top of her head and was enveloped by the sent of her hair. He closed his eyes and his mind once again wandered beyond the stimulus of his physical form.
"You are of us…"
It was but a whisper…but he tensed all the same.
Lauren squeezed back; thinking the tightening of his arms had been something entirely different. But he didn't notice, there was only his mind, drifting like wood on the sea…
******
In the following days, he didn't get to see much of either Trance or Lauren. With the hours he was pulling in the recovery and their long shifts in medical, they barely had time to eat and sleep themselves, let alone check up on the others. On the occasions they had shared lunch or breaks, they were all too tired to talk.
Harper had taken Trance to the obs deck after the memorial service and told her about Beka. He kept from her the part about finding her body, feeling guilty for doing so. She looked so exhausted he couldn't add to her pain.
Her eyes had filled with tears at the news and he had folded her in his arms and held her. Trances' eyes seemed to become even more shadowed each time he saw her and her skin had turned pale and dull. More so than he would have expected with the work and the loss of their friends, their ship…
Everything they knew…
He worried about Trance, more that he cared to admit, even to himself. Even when Dylan was becoming ever more driven and blinkered, centred on winning his war, she had been the calm, persuading him when no one else could.
And even when Beka had been jailed in that Hellhole they'd rescued her from, and she'd taken a razor to her beautiful hair in a fit of self-hatred and rage, Trance had been there, offering more comfort by her mere presence than a million words could.
And for him…she'd been there when he was sick, had comforted him quietly…she'd even held him when he cried…
And she could let him cry. Something he barely even allowed himself.
She was Trance…
Pure and unchanging…
Beautiful…
******
The forest moon of Call'Teha was quiet, the air filled with nothing more than the occasional rustling of the leaves in the slight wind. This was the place the Council of the Commonwealth had decided their heroes would be laid to rest. It held a peace and a beauty that was missing in the rest of the 'civilised' worlds. Dawn had only just broken and its faint crimson tinted light hit the gravestones. A small group of people stood together and paid silent respects to the dead.
Dylan and Beka had been buried side by side, as they had fought and died.
In a twisted, bitter way, it was a final irony.
The few surviving members of the Andromeda crew, the staff Dylan had inspired to join them over the years, said a few words of thanks for their sacrifices and left. In the end, only he, Trance and Lauren were left.
Lauren had watched her two friends for a long while, knowing her presence was superfluous. With faint hurt in her eyes, she had left them.
And then it was just he and Trance…
And their memories of the life the Illition had destroyed.
For over an hour, the pair stood in silence, never touching.
"I failed..."
Harper frowned, "huh?"
"I failed…" She repeated, "you…Dylan…Beka…"
"Trance…"
"It's true…"
"The Illition did this, Trance."
She walked away from him, away from the graves. He followed her, and the pair walked in silence for a long while. Eventually, when the headstones were nothing but specks in the distance, Trance stopped and faced Harper.
"We gotta leave here, Harper."
"Leave?"
Her tail curled behind her, the little movements betraying her anxiety. There were things they needed to talk about. Things he desperately needed to hear the answers too, but not now…
He didn't want it to be now. But, like so many things, it didn't seem he had much choice in the matter.
She took his hand, "Harper…I…I have something to tell you."
His lips twisted into a smile, "this where I get to find out where ya from?"
"Yes…"
"'Bout time."
"…But not now."
"Well, it was great while it lasted."
"Harper…"
Feeling surprisingly playful, he matched her tone. "Trance…"
"It's about what happened on the shuttle…"
Harper looked at the bracelet…Trance's bracelet. People had laughed at him for wearing it, but he hadn't taken it off. "You healed me."
"No…no I didn't."
"But…"
"I gave you…its called the Gift. I was given it a long time ago and I…I gave it to you."
"Gift? Ya mean the bracelet, right?"
"No. The bracelet's part of it, but…" Trance looked away, "the Gift is…"
He waited for her to finish but almost a minute passed. "Is what?" He prompted.
"It's very old. Maybe as old as the Universe, I don't know…or who created it, or where it's from. I was just…I did something, a long time ago, something bad." She lowered her head in shame, "please don't ask me what. But afterwards I…I wanted to atone for it. But I couldn't live with myself so instead I…I tried to…you know, suicide."
Harper gasped and reached out to touch her. She shivered at the memory and looked at the hand on her shoulder as if she felt unworthy of it. "It's OK…I know…you can hate me for it."
"Trance…"
"I didn't understand! I thought…I just wanted the-the hurt to…stop…"
"I'm not judging you."
******
"I-I told you that?"
"Trance, I meant what I said. I done a lotta stuff I'm not proud of. I don't blame you."
"Maybe…maybe you wouldn't say that if you knew what I did…"
"What makes you think I don't know?"
******
She shrugged him off and he knew there was little he could say right now to convince her. He would have to show her through his actions.
"But it didn't work?"
She smiled, "no it worked. And I would have died, but someone…a Persuid…gave me the Gift."
"Like you did on the 'pod? Arm holdin' and bracelet melting?"
"Yes."
"Why?" He wasn't sure which of them he was referring too. "I mean, people don't go 'round do that sorta thing."
"He said I was worthy. That I could atone for what I did…" Her eyes looked inward, seeing her past as clearly as she saw her present. "I told him that there wasn't enough years in my life to do that. So he gave me forever."
"Forever?"
"The Gift is immortality. You never die…"
Harper let her go, pulling his hands away from her as if she had burned him. He was shaking very slightly. "You mean I…"
She reached out for him, "Harper…"
"NO." He shook her hands away; "I don't want this. You can have it back!"
"I can't, Harper. It doesn't work that way."
He felt sick and dizzy and not a little confused. How was this possible? He had to be dreaming…but the tears on Trance's cheeks and the betrayal clutching at his heart was too real. She went to touch him again and he flinched away. "Just leave me alone!"
"Harper!" She tried to catch him up, "Harper there's more, you need to-"
"I don't need anything from you!"
And he ran off.
******
He slept with Lauren that night and left before she woke, hating himself bitterly for it. She had just been there, with comfort and warmth. Guilt ate at his heart as he pulled his clothes back on. Guilt for what he had done; guilt for using Lauren... guilt for betraying Trance. He had gone into it with his eyes wide open…he had wanted to…
No…
Admit it to yourself, you bastard…
He had wanted to hurt Trance. He wasn't even sure why. She had saved his life; more than saved his life, he would never die. How many people wished they could have that?
He tried to stop his legs from carrying him there. Tried a thousand times to turn back. But he couldn't. He was at the cargo bay where Trance was roomed in a matter of minutes. She turned to the door when she saw a shadow standing there. A tiny smile lifted the corners of her mouth when she realised who it was then it vanished under a frown.
She slipped out of bed and padded across to him in bare feet.
"I'm sorry." He said, knowing she would think the apology for reacting the way he had. And maybe it was. Maybe he wasn't ready to apologise for Lauren yet. Not that, in any strict truth, there was anything to apologise for. He was free, so was Lauren. That was that…wasn't it?
"Just…Just answer me one thing, Trance, why'd'ya do it?"
"I…" She tugged at the hem of her night shirt, "I didn't want you to die."
"Everybody dies…" bitterness lit his eyes, "oh, yeah, except me now."
"There's so much you can do. Like I did."
"I've done some shit in my time, serious freakin' shit but y'know what? I don't regret it. Regret havin' to do it. Regret everything that led me to doin' it, but I don't regret it and I sure as hell don't have anythin' I wanna atone for!"
Tears tracked her cheeks and his anger crumbled. He took her into his arms and found himself muttering sorry and comforts and thinking of all the things he did regret in his life. Like tonight…making love to Lauren when it should have been Trance…
Should've been Trance…
She pulled back and he got that eerie sense she knew what he was thinking. But her eyes held no betrayal or hurt, as they would if she knew.
Then doubt hit him. Why should she care if he was with Lauren? Why should she care about him?
The low light cast her face into shadow and he couldn't see her expression. "Harper, we have to leave. There are… complications."
"You keep sayin' that." His tone was sharp.
"They'll come for us if we don't."
"Who the hell are 'they'?"
"The other…" Her tail twitched nervously. "The others…. like you."
"With the Gift?"
"Yes. We're-They're called Eternals." She met his eyes. "That's what you are now. An Eternal."
Eternal life…
Would it really be so bad?
"They understand the nature of the Universe." She continued.
The corner of his mouth twitched up, despite himself. "Always knew you weren't just a purple sparkly babe." Then he smiled; a genuine smile… "Does this mean I-"
"No."
The smile faded as quickly as it had come.
"The Gift only gives you immortality. The Eternals ability to…know the Universe is there before they became immortal."
Harper grinned, "what is the nature of the Universe?" He was not expecting an answer.
"Time, space, thought and realities…consciousness. They're all Strings, Harper. Woven together, looped and crossing, twisting together to form…" She waved her hand around, "…this."
"OK…Strings…yeah…"
"I…I believe you…that one day you'll be able to see them." She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself as well as him and he would be willing to bet she didn't believe that statement. "Be a Eternal."
"So they what? We do what? Hang around the Universe not dyin' and that's it."
Trance looked down at her feet. "They use their abilities to steer the paths of men…great men, free of the ties of mortal life."
"Dylan!"
Trance looked down, ashamed.
"That's what you meant about failing him."
She shivered, "that String is gone. Dylan's gone…" Her eyes unfocused and stared at nothing, "I was…distracted…"
"By what?"
"Feelings…" She shook herself, ending whatever admission she was about to make and Harper almost screamed at the lost intimacy. "They'll come for us. They always do. We have to leave before that happens."
"But what'd theses Eternal guys want with us?"
"With you…They want to give you knowledge and teach what you will need."
"Steering destinies and stuff?"
She nodded. "The Gift is not really a gift. It has to be paid for…it has to be served."
"Well at least I can see why you wanted out." The sharpness had returned to his voice.
"Harper…"
He touched her shoulder to show her that he wasn't angry…not really. "But what'd they want you for?"
"To give me…another gift…"
"Yeah? Hey we could work together on this destinies thing, y'know."
"No…This gift is Night."
"Night?"
"Death."