Ten ~ Forward/Back III
Four years forward…
Trance knew where he had gone. There was only one place… She didn't hate him for leaving. It wasn't every day you hear your best friend speak of her own death. She'd explained it to him, softly and clearly, unsure he was listening. He had the Gift now and when it left her, she returned to being mortal…
For the first time in two centuries, Trance would age. And eventually, one day, she would die.
She had waited for him to say something but no words came. And when she touched his arm, he flinched so slightly she almost missed it.
"I…I gotta go." He'd muttered eventually, "tired."
And she hadn't stopped him, knowing he needed time…needed space to think. She knew where he would go to do it.
Dylan and Beka's graves….
The sun was just rising above the trees, and his body cast a long shadow across the grass.
She watched him standing there for a long while before she approached. "Hey…" she said quietly.
Harper turned and she saw her own fear and dread in his eyes. As she gazed into the blue she felt she was being dragged down, drowning in the pain she saw there. Something splashed against her lips and for a brief moment in time, she thought it was tears. But then she tasted the little droplet and found it was not salty.
Trance broke the connection and stared up at the sky. Rain had begun to fall heavily; the pair had been so caught up in their pain and in each other that they had not noticed the thick clouds forming overhead.
Harper took Trance's hand and started running for the trees. Neither of them had worn coats and by the time they ducked under the huge canopy of the largest tree, they were both soaked to the skin.
The ground beneath the tree was dry and only the odd drop of rain dripped from the leaves above. They settled down and rested against the trunk to wait out the rain.
No one spoke for a long while, the only sound the pattering of drops on the ground and the roar of the rain hitting the leafy canopy overhead.
It was beautiful and restful and the whole world narrowed to just this moment in time and the glorious sound of rainfall.
A long time passed and then…
"You can't die, Trance…"
The girl turned to the young man at her side, his voice had been a bare whisper and she had only heard him at all because they sat so close together.
"Harper, when I gave you the Gift…" She pulled her knees up to her chin and hugged them, "I'm mortal now…I…I thought you…you understood that."
Harper closed his eyes, feeling cold and empty and so very, very tired. He did understand it, instinctively, unconsciously; he felt he could understand many things given time. Whatever she'd given him was changing things. Everything was different.
And he could see another difference… in her face, in her whole being… she was paler, less…less luminous…
He had it now. But he was still Harper, nothing luminous about him...nothing special.
"But I…" can't loose you… He finished silently.
Trance watched the tears forming in his eyes and when one broke free of his lashes and rolled down his cheek, she reached out and brushed it away. "I still have the rest of my life span." She whispered, "nearly a centuries worth."
Only a week ago, Seamus Harper would have thought that ample enough time for living, but now… Now anything short of forever was not enough.
"And then what?" He asked bitterly. "How can I…" live without you… "Go on…alone?"
"You will. You will be…a great Eternal."
"I never wanted that, Trance."
She shivered, "no-one does. But it was meant to be."
"How can ya be so sure?"
Tears ran down her cheeks, belying her words. And he knew that she wasn't sure; would never be sure. "You weren't meant to die, Harper."
"Why?" He asked sharply, "what makes me so special? What makes my life worth more than Dylan's? Beka's…. Rev's! We all sat and watched him die, remember?" The memory rose up before his eyes and he felt sick, "hours and hours… I didn't see you get you're bracelet out for him!"
He heard the crack of her hand across his cheek a split second before the pain bit. Trance stared at him, momentarily shocked by what she'd done and then she ran, out into the pouring rain, as fast as her legs could take her.
"Trance!"
He sped after her, but he could barely see her through all this rain, her figure was nothing more than a blur, quickly vanishing.
"Trance!"
But he could see nothing now, not even the dark shadow he had been chasing before. He sank to his knees, soaked to the skin and utterly exhausted. Rivers of water poured down his face and he couldn't be sure if they came from the rain…
Or his hot bitter tears.
******
He found her by the graves sometime later when the rain had eased to light drizzle. Trance stood staring at the headstones of her former captains and as he came closer he could hear her talking.
"…. Done this before. My race has no concept of an afterlife, so we don't talk to our dead. But I like that you do. It's nice…and I really need to…" She choked on her tears and Harper almost crossed the distance between them to offer her comfort, but he held back, unsure of her reaction. "Harper's right…I could've help Rev. And you… But it's not that simple."
"They know that."
Trance turned at his voice and for a moment he was afraid she'd run from him again. But she stayed where she was and watched him come towards her.
"I'm sorry." He said, when he reached her side, "it wasn't fair, what I said. I know you did everythin' ya could."
She nodded, not meeting his eyes; she had forgiven him, but not herself.
"I just…I just wanna know why." He murmured, "why me?"
"I didn't want you to die."
"You keep sayin' that and it's not an answer."
She turned away and he lay a hand on her shoulder to stop her from leaving him.
"What makes my death important?"
"Because…" she shrunk from his touch, " because… I love you…"
And she turned around and began walking away.
******
Trance stepped backwards, putting distance between her and Harper. "You're…you're lying…"
He shook his head, "no."
"I wouldn't… You're lying. You're a liar!"
He reached out to touch her and the force grid hissed and skittered, shocking his fingers. Desperation was clear in his eyes, "I could never lie to you, Trance! You know that!"
She crossed her arms and hugged herself. "I know." She whispered.
******
He followed her to the tree they had sheltered under, his mind still reeling from what she had said. He wasn't completely aware of sitting down at her side. She ignored him and he sensed that now was not the time to talk about her confession. She wasn't ready.
He wasn't ready…
But the time was coming…and soon.
He looked across at her. "What'da we do now?"
She pressed her face into her knees, unable to face him.
And he realised his question was being misinterpreted, "I mean, d'ya wanna leave?"
A long moment passed before she raised her head to look at him, "and go where?"
"Does it matter?" The note of anger in his voice surprised him and hurt flickered in Trance's eyes. He was about to apologise when the flicker vanished as if it had never been there.
"The rain's stopped." She said quietly, getting to her feet. "We should go."
******
Harper and Trance left that night taking the very next shuttle that docked, not even knowing its destination. And they didn't tell anyone they were going, not even Lauren.
He never said goodbye…. Months and years and eventually centuries would pass and he had never stopped regretting that. Another regret on a list as long as his life would be.
Their room on the Ri-Tarni transport was small and cramped and they were forced to share with eight others. Maybe it was that lack of privacy that stopped them from talking about everything that had happened over the past several days, or maybe it was the enormity of it all that stopped them, but things went unresolved between them. And after a while, the subject was too awkward to broach.
They took the two bunks at the very back, right next to the fan heaters, sacrificing the excessive heat for some amount of privacy. At least, it was a sacrifice for Harper, Trance preferred the air to be warmer than humans did and she seemed to like the heat.
The first night felt unreal, like something that was happening to other people and not them. As the other's in the room drifted off to sleep and a quiet fell, the realisation of where they were and what had happened began to sink in.
Harper heard Trance toss and turn in the bunk below his. She groaned softly in frustration and kicked at the covers, unable to get comfortable on the lumpy bed and disturbed by her mind, which would not shut off.
Harper listened to her sighs and finally slipped from his bunk and sat on the edge of hers, next to her.
"I'm so tired." She told him.
"I know."
"I didn't wake you?"
He brushed the hair from her brow, smiling at its mussed appearance. "I wasn't asleep."
"I just want to sleep…"
"Close your eyes…" he whispered. If only it were that simple…
But she followed his advice and wriggled back into the bunk, leaving room for him to lie as well. He smiled slightly as he relaxed back, feeling her head rest upon his shoulder as she had many times before. But this was different…warmer, needier…more intimate…
And somewhere in there, he must have fallen asleep. When he opened his eyes, the other travellers had all gone to the mess room for breakfast and he and Trance were alone.
He felt her hand in his and saw their fingers were entwined.
Because I love you…
Her words echoed in his mind, and each time he heard them the shock lessened a little bit and a strange ache in his heart was replacing it.
He tightened his arm around her and pressed his lips to her brow. "I love you too, Trance." He whispered.
But the girl continued to sleep and did not hear him.
******
Trances slept all day and through the next night, waking the following morning looking pale and drawn but her eyes were more alive than he'd seen them in a long while.
Harper brought her breakfast when she woke. She smiled when she saw the tray of simple food that he was carrying and was about to tease him for doing so when she saw the embarrassed flush that crept across his cheeks when he gave her the tray.
Surprised, she thanked him and he went to have a shower.
It was on the fifth night on the shuttle that the dreams came. No, not dreams, for there were no actual images to accompany the…something. It wasn't a voice, although it spoke words he could understand. And it never came the same way dreams did. It seemed to loom out at him in his deepest sleep, rousing him, denying him rest.
And it always 'said' the same thing… "You are of us, Harper…"
******
Harper jolted awake. The bright florescence of the room's lights hurt his eyes the moment they snapped open. He had fallen asleep during the day again. And dreamed…
He sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bunk, looking down at the bed below his to watch Trance sleep. He guessed she knew about his dreams and what they were. When she'd first seen him awake in alarm, something had crossed her features that he couldn't comprehend.
Fear, maybe, or despair? He didn't know.
But with that same quick unconscious intuition he knew the dreams were part of what they were running from.
It had been unspoken, even ignored, gone unacknowledged, but this…this whatever it was… they would be together through it.
But together as what?
Friends? More than that?
They spent their days among the other travellers, rarely having more than ten minutes alone, never being able to say what needed to be said.
He slipped off his bunk and knelt beside Trance's. He reached out and stroked her hair, letting the smooth silkiness slide under his hand. His lips pursed to speak three little words in the safe knowledge she would not hear them…
And then he pulled back, shocked.
The heat and the tension he felt…so familiar…so delicious…
Love was one thing…. And he could barely cope with the ramifications of that. This was another… A whole 'nother ball game he just didn't wanna even think about playing right now.
He climbed back into his own bed, pulled the covers up to his chin and tried to sleep….
******
There was only one bed. Harper found it highly typical of himself and his sub-conscious that the first thing it would notice was that. Not the dirty walls, not the shabby furniture or the flea-bitten rug covering the metal decking on the floor, but the bed.
The large, surprisingly comfortable looking but very noticeably two person bed.
"Needs a bitva clean, I know," the bar owner snorted, "but you'll do far worse here."
"A bit!" Harper pulled his eyes away from that bed; "there's less dirt out there than there is in here."
"Your welcome to sleep out there then." He replied unsympathetically, "take it or leave it, there's plenty more that'd be grateful for it."
"We'll take it." Trance told him.
The bar owner nodded, "aye. Shift starts in two hours, mind you don't be late."
"Trance, I can't believe you agreed to this."
"It's a start." And she began to hunt for rags to begin cleaning.
"It's filthy!"
She pulled out a handful of washcloths, "so we'll clean it."
"And it's probably infested with god-knows-what."
"We can buy a repellent."
"And there's no light fittings in here."
"I like candles." And she held out a rag and a bucket.
"And…and…."
"And what?"
And there's only one bed! But he bit his tongue and held the words in. Harper sighed in defeat and grabbed the cloth and filled the bucket with water.
This wasn't what Harper had in mind when they left, not that they had anything in mind when they left. But they knew this wasn't it. After three weeks, the ship had docked at the Gillor station and they had decided to stay and find some sort of employment. They didn't have much idea of where and what they wanted to do, but when they did, they would need money to do it.
The bar they ended up in had an advert in the window for staff. It paid terribly but it would also provide them with a roof over their heads.
And only one bed…
******
Harper had once worked behind a bar, mixing drinks by night and getting drunk by day. That had been on Earth, when he was seventeen, scraping money together for his ticket off the planet. His then newly discovered love of alcohol and the ease of its availability to him as a barman had hampered his efforts. If he hadn't have drunk his way through over half of his wages every week, he'd have been off of Earth months before he eventually left.
And his life would have probably gone very differently.
But, much as he hated his memories of that time, they stood him in good stead for working in the bar. The owner, John Bail, was obviously impressed. Something that took a lot of doing as the man didn't seem to be impressed by any of his workers that didn't wear a dress.
And Trance had had something of a heart attack when she'd seen that dress.
So had he, but for an entirely different reason. Only one bed…. Oh, man…
'The Bailey's' waitresses wore very little. Less than very little. Their dresses consisted of a piece of gauzy fabric crossed at the front and back and ended with a little skirt. It revealed enough to be indecent but covered enough not to break any nudity laws.
Harper's mouth had dropped open when he saw it and he'd waited for her to chuck the dress back at Bail and storm out. But she didn't. When she'd regained her composure, she'd smiled a very tense, false smile and disappeared into the changing area. When she came out, Harper thanked the Divine that he was standing behind the bar and no one could see below his waist.
Their first night's work left them exhausted and when they entered the little flat, Harper had almost forgotten about the bed.
Almost…
Trance went into the bathroom to change into nightwear while Harper fixed them both some hot chocolate. She came out, took her drink and they talked about their work as they sipped the chocolate. Then Trance got up and went to the bed…and noticed.
Harper waited, hiding his smirk.
Or rather didn't notice…
The girl said nothing, climbed into the left side and closed her eyes.
Harper swallowed the last of his chocolate and decided the chair didn't look so uncomfortable after all.
He was so tired he fell asleep almost straight away…and the dream came again. This time the 'words' were incoherent, a buzzing, mumbling noise that enveloped him. He floated sickly amid the non-dream, floundering in the non-sounds, until his 'self' fell headlong into REM sleep and glorious sounds and images played out.
When he awoke, he felt as if he had not slept at all…
******
The following night, they shared the bed. They had lain together on so many nights in the past that he knew there was no real difference. Except….
I love you… she'd admitted. the words dragged from her very soul unwillingly.
And he felt that now…. her love. Could feel his own too.
But it had left this terrible stalemate, where the knowledge hung over them, untouched and unresolved. Logically, the next move was his.
But too much had happened in their lives, and between them, for him to just say 'I love you' back.
Life just wasn't that simple.
Love just wasn't that simple.
Nothing worth so much was ever simple.
And Trance was worth more than anything in the Universe was...
But he didn't want the status quo to change, because change was scary and they'd had enough scary things to last a lifetime already. And he didn't want that terrible sick vulnerability that comes from loving somebody. From accepting that their very living, their happiness was the delicate fulcrum on which everything you knew balanced on.
And the slightest thing could damage that balance and the world would turn to shit around you. And when it was over, done and finished with, everything would have changed so much that there would be no going back.
Just forward…and alone…
Trance deserved more than that sad, maybe a little selfish, troubled view on love. For that was all he had to offer her. There was nothing else.
But his feelings for her ran far deeper than any he'd ever experienced in his life. He had never wanted anything so badly than to show her how much he loved her. Too lose himself in her.
But that way would lead to losing her…being hurt by her…so he held back and never spoke.
So Trance did…
******
Harper opened his eyes and the non-dream faded. There was a shadow over him and he realised it was Trance, watching him, waiting for him to wake. She sat cross-legged on her side of the bed with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
"Trance?"
"They're calling you, aren't they?"
He sat up, nodding. He had had his suspicions and her words confirmed them. "Yeah."
"I was hoping…" she began but never finished, pulling the blanket even tighter around herself.
"What?"
"I was hoping that being human, you wouldn't hear them."
He looked at her questioningly.
"No human has ever become an Eternal. Your species is too…." An embarrassed little smile curled her lips upwards, "…too closed off from the Universe."
"The Strings?"
"You'll learn to read them one day. They will teach you."
Harper shook his head. "Not gonna happen. They can knock all they want, I ain't answerin' the door."
"You will…You have too. When I'm…" she looked away, "…when I'm gone."
"Trance-"
She faced him, the quiet determination in her eyes stopping his words. "What are we, Har…Seamus?"
The sudden change of topic and her use of his given name surprised him and he shrugged, "people. Eternals, whatever."
"I mean to each other."
Harper sighed. In all the years they'd been friends, there had never been this awkwardness and even thought there was no bad feelings, it didn't feel like there was any good.
"I don't know." He admitted, "only know that things are not OK between us."
She turned away. "Are we friends?"
"Of course we are, that's not…not even a question."
She looked around, meeting his eyes, maybe a little confused.... Maybe not, he couldn't tell anymore. "Isn't it?" She asked. "I don't know what's happening anymore! There's this…this…"
"Whole big unresolved whatever ya wanna call it." He supplied.
"Yes…" Tears threatened in her eyes, "I told you that I…" love you… but she stopped herself in time. "…Something I wish I hadn't. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have…it was mean and it was blackmail."
He shook his head, "no. No, I asked. I wanted to know."
"But…but you just don't go around telling people things like that. It hurts them, and it does this…this whatever it is…to…" She trailed off before she could get to the last word… 'Us.'
"I'm glad you told me."
She met his eyes. "Why?"
He shivered, "don't make me say it."
"Why not? I want…" I want to hear it so much… The unspoken words hung in the air.
"Because we can't go there."
She turned completely away from him and pulled the blanket up to her chin. He could only see her back, see the tiny jerks her body made…heard to soft sounds of her tears. He dug his fingernails into the soft flesh of his arms, clamping down so hard he felt the dampness of blood ooze out. He wanted so much to hold her, soothe her tears…but he couldn't.
She was going to die and he was not…
"Trance…"
Her only answer was a stifled sob. "I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to stop her traitorous tears, "I'm not being fair…"
He reached out to touch her, but managed to stop his hand half way. "I-I left with you…when you asked." He murmured, "y'know I tried ta tell myself I didn't know why."
She looked around, her eyes red but hopeful.
He hated himself for the hurt he'd caused her. "But I did it because you asked me too."
"So…?" Anger filled her voice and the hope left her eyes, "so this is my fault?"
"No…no. It's not even about that. Trance…took me a while to think of this but…I went with you because…because I don't wanna be without you. And if we do this…they'll be a time when I will be without you…and I just can't, Trance…I can't…"
"And we can't go on like this…" She wept, "because you'll lose me anyway. I can't be with you and not be with you."
"I do want that…but…"
"Then show me…" She murmured, reaching out to take his hand and let it lay in hers. She studied the bloody nails. She looked at the marks they'd made on his arm and leaned down. He tensed and pulled back when he felt her tongue taste the little red half moons.
"What the…?"
"Trust me…" She whispered and leant forward again, brushing her temple against his. She closed her eyes, knowing that words could not fight…but actions could. The warmth and feel of her skin against his; the radiating heat…
He felt his own blood responded. That delicious tension in his body grew and he pulled away, "I…I…" But the 'can't' never came and he found himself leaning closer to her, regaining that gentle touch of their heads. She curled in a little, and smiled when one tentative hand circled her waist.
More confident now, his body leading, he moved his head to the side, brushing her lips against his. She tensed, obviously unfamiliar with this human expressionism. He knew she'd watched a kiss before, but seeing and doing is two very different things. Her lips moved awkwardly against his and he stilled his own to let her take over. She broke the kiss with a frown, unsure, but saw the doubt in Harper's eyes and kissed him again before he could say anything more.
She copied the movement of his mouth on hers and a thrill ran through her at the little intake of breath he made.
Harper's mind raced but the heavy sensation of arousal was fast taking over. He let his tongue just touch her lips then graze the space between them. She flinched a little at the sensation but relaxed into a moment later, offering him her own tongue. She tasted different…very different. But in a good way…
She ran her hands up his sides and caressed his back, curling her tail around his waist. He pulled back at the feel of it, surprised at its intrusion. But then curious… he let one hand fall from her hips and ran his fingers along it, amazed at the softness of the skin there. She smiled and kissed him, her tongue now confident in its exploration of his mouth. She moaned into his lips as his hand slipped all the way from the tip of her tail to the base. His mouth left hers and kissed down her chin, down her neck and along her jaw until his lips brushed below the lobe of her ear.
She whimpered at the sensation, the gentle tugging at the skin around one of her races' most sensitive areas.
Smiling, Harper repeated the kiss, harder this time and was rewarded by her writhing…writhing against his body. He wondered briefly if she'd ever felt a human male like this before, whether her species had such things.
A chuckle escaped him, it would be on par with the Universe irony if, having got this far, he and Trance were to discover they didn't fit…
That they weren't…compatible…
She looked at him in hurt surprise, wondering if he was laughing at her. He claimed her mouth before she could speak and rolled her over. They were so closely pressed together that there would be no mistaking what she would feel. She didn't jerk back in horror but curled her legs around his, the movement pushing them ever closer to each other. The sensation made him groan.
"Trance…we shouldn't…."
"Show me…" She whispered, kissing him again, "show me what you can't say, Seamus…"
*******
Her mouth hung open and the startled look in her eyes made him smile. "What…" Her throat sounded dry and horse. "Um…"
He shrugged, "we were compatible."
*******
They lay curled together, sleepily caressing each other's fingers. Harper moved his head a little and gently kissed her brow. He had never known such peace before. Nothing…no one…had ever given him such contentment.
And it was all because of Trance.
"I love you." She whispered, knowing he would never say them back.
His hand moved up to cup her head, his fingers tangling in her hair. "I know." He murmured.