NOTE: BEFORE YOU BEGIN READING, I JUST WANT TO THANK CYBERWULF FOR ALLOWING ME TO DO ANOTHER ADVICE COLUMN, THIS TIME WITH JOYCE. (It's written in a very similar style to the Ask William story)
Ask Joyce: Hello, my name is Joyce. I have decided to run an advice column now that I'm dead and have nothing better to do. Please send all letters to: Heaven in the sky, box #2079.
Dear Darling,
Ever since Valentine's Day during the second season, you're all I ever fantasize about! I've dated the most popular and bitchiest girl in my high school, had an small affair with my best friend, slept with a slayer, nearly got killed by a Praying Mantis, fell for an Inca mummy Princess, and am now engaged to an ex. demon. Still, all can I think about is you! Remember the last episode of the 4th season? I dreamed about you! See, we need to be together! I may be half your age and not the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm a good person. I'm in love with you, Joyce! I'll dump the ex. demon for you! Will you marry me?
Hopelessly devoted to you
P.S. Do you like my jokes?
Dear Xander,
Okay dear, before I even answer this letter, did it ever occur to you that I'm dead?!? How could I possibly marry you? And another thing, if I find out that the slayer you slept with was my daughter, there will be hell to pay! Literally. (I have connections up here).
Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm. Now, to answer your question, I will not marry you. Here's why:
1. I'm dead!
2. I'm twice your age!
3. You're already engaged to an ex demon.
4. You couldn't possibly support me on your salary!
5. I never liked you.
6. I know you had the hots for my daughter.
a. You're not good enough for my daughter, even now!
b. That's gross, marrying someone who used to have the hots for my daughter.
7. You're not manly enough for me!
8. I've sworn off men.
9. You're a pain in the ass and completely useless to the show!
10. I DON'T LIKE YOUR JOKES!
But other than that, have a nice day. :)
Joyce
P.S. Go buy you demon fiancee something pretty. Women like that.
Dear Mommy,
Why did you have to die? Now I'm stuck with Buffy the bitch forever! Also, why is it that the writers of this show never give me any good lines? All I ever do is complain that I'm lonely or have a temper tantrum. I want to say something funny! I want to have friends! I want to kick some vampire butt! I want to have sex scenes with Spike! Why am I being treated like a 10 year old?
Your favorite daughter
P.S. I love you, mommy.
Dear Dawnie,
You are grounded young lady! I've been watching you, and I saw you stealing from the Magic Box. Return that stuff at once! Also, we do not say the word "bitch" in this family. No phone calls for a week! As for your lines, I agree thay you need some friends. However, if you even consider having sex before you're 18, I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND KILL YOU! Now, the reason why I didn't let you slay vampires is because I always liked you better than your sister, and wanted you to have a life. I know she's annoying and a bad parent, but please understand that there's nothing I can do about that, so deal with it! Love you sweetie. :)
Mommy
P.S. The reason you're being treated like a 10 year old is because you act like a 10 year old.
P.P.S. Don't eat that ice cream I see you holding, it will spoil your dinner.
Dear Buffy's Mom,
I know we were never that close, but I always remembered you as being very wise. How can I get my girlfriend back and quit magic at the same time?
Desperate for answers
P.S. The fans don't seem to like me anymore. Do you know why?
Dear Willow,
I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend left you. I didn't know her too well, but she seemed nice. Now, the only way to get your girlfriend back is obviously to quit magic. The only way to quit magic is for you to be determined and have plenty of support from your friends. I know that's pretty hard, knowing that my daughter is a little "preoccupied" with her own misery, Tara's gone, Anya wouldn't understand, and Xander's not the sharpest tack in the box. I suggest that you get over your obsession with magic and get over it! Once you've quit magic for good, you WILL get your friends and Tara back.
Joyce
P.S. The reason the fans don't like you anymore is because all you ever do is complain on how hard it is for you to quit magic. In all honestly, the magic thing is getting old. Quit the magic and become the same Willow you were during the 1st-3rd season. We all loved you then. Trust me.
P.P.S. The whole Tara thing also upset some of the viewers. Although I think she's a sweetie, many of your fans want you to be with Oz.
Dear Glowy Lady in the Sky,
Ohhhhh, the stars are so pretty and the clouds are so fluffy! The sky looks like thousands of feet and the puppies are all singing! I can feel the moondust in my eyes and the leaves make crunchy sounds when I walk on them! What does it all mean?
Black Bunny
P.S. Do you think I'm crazy?
P.P.S. Do you think Spike and I have a chance of getting back together?
Dear Drusilla,
In all due honesty, I have no idea what you're talking about. If it means something, then I certainly don't know about it.
Joyce
P.S. Sorry to say it, but you are crazy.
P.P.S. After the whole Crush incident, I'm pretty sure he's uninterested. You hurt him pretty bad when you dumped him. He told me how you always flirted with other demons. Honey, that's not the best way to maintain a happy relationship. Besides, he's with MY daughter now. No contest.
Dear Mommy,
Buffy finished all the cereal! She always does this! What should I do?
Your favorite daughter
Dear Dawnie,
If Buffy always finishes the cereal, either get up before her or eat something else.
Mommy
P.S. Stop writing me at work, honey.
Dear Joyce,
Ever since our little "incident" in Band Candy, I've only gotten laid once or twice! Being that I'm such a deviously handsome man, I can't understand why I am not married and/or having sex more often. Am I doing something wrong?
Ruppert Giles
P.S. Do you think I made a mistake leaving the show?
Dear Rupert,
The problem with you is that you don't hang out with people anywhere close to your age! If you had gone to one of my art gallery shows, maybe you could have met a nice lady around my age who was very smart and very pretty. But no, no one ever wen to MY art gallery shows! Did Joss ever even show me at the museum? I wonder. Deep breath Joyce, calm down. Oh wait, I'm dead.
I think you'll be able to meet plently of girls in Great Britain. They're into the whole "stuffy act." But if you'd rather get American girls, then the only way is to let Ripper loose. The bad boy thing is very in in the states.
Joyce
P.S. Yes and no. It was a good decision for you, since you were just sitting there like a complete loser hanging out with people half your age, not getting "laid."
It was bad for the rest of the cast, since Willow is all messed up from her magic, Buffy is all depressed and moody, Anya really doesn't give a damn about anything except for money and Xander, and Xander's not exactly "Harvard Material." Oh the hell with it! Xander's an idiot!
I think the show was better with you. But you're better off in Britain getting drunk.
Dear Joyce,
Why was I kicked off the show, and why am I being ignored?
Riley
(Looks at letter. Throws it into hell)
Dear Mrs. Summers,
How are you doing? I miss you. You were the only one who I could talk to about my thoughts and feelings. Now, I have a question. May I take your daughter's hand in marriage?
P.S. Do you think you could tell me where to get those little marshmellows?
The charming blond vampire
Dear William,
Before I answer your question, I just want to say how nice it was to receive a letter asking how I was doing instead of complaining about your problems. I always enjoyed your company as well. You defintetly are my favorite out of all of Buffy's past romantic interests.
1. Vampire who does nothing but brood, unless he has sex. Then he gets all evil and tries to kill anyone. Besides, his hair bothers me.
2. A one night stand. Enough said.
3. Riley Finn. Do I even need to go there? Let's just say, Hell is begging Heaven to take him.
Out of those choices, I have to say that you're my favorite. I think that if you were human, I would have married you! However, like I told that Angel guy, my daughter needs to be able to live her life in the sunlight. Also, I've seen what's been going on since I died. Both you and Buffy are not good for each other. You're confusing my daughter, and she's made you into a helpless puppy. I think you guys should definetly be friends. You both used to be strong willed and amusing. Now the fans hate my daughter and you're not looking too great either, (Except when you're shirtless, those scenes are always nice). No, bad Joyce, bad. Please continue to write and watch over my daughters.
Joyce
P.S. The marshmellows are in the pantry. If you can't find them, look at isle 9 of at 7-11
P.P.S. If you still want to date humans, try Willow. The fans will love it. Plus, you guys would make a cute couple. Trust me, I know these things.
Dear Mommy,
I can't find my socks. Do you know where I put them?
Your favorite daughter
Dear Dawnie,
If you cleaned your room once in a while, you'd be able to find your socks. Get cleaning! By the way, they're in Buffy's room.
Mommy
P.S. Honey, this is an advice column, not a complaining service. Please don't write me at work unless you have a question. A good question.
P.P.S. Love you, honey.
Dear Mrs Summers,
How could you tell Spike that you like him better than me? First of all, I'm older. Second of all, I'm better looking. How can you resist my charms?
Angel
Dear Angel,
What charms? All you ever do is brood! I'm sorry, but you're not easy to like. And age has nothing to do with it. I just don't like you.
Joyce
P.S. You're not better looking, I'm sorry to say.
P.P.S. Your hair just bothers me.
Dear Joyce,
Hi, I'm one of your daughter's arch nemisisis. Wait, is that even a word? Stratch that. Okay, here's my question: Why is everyone always making fun of my height? It hurts my feelings! Also, do women ever find short guys sexy?
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
Yes, women can find short men sexy. Tom Cruise is a great example.Notice how I said MEN, not boys. Also, girls don't find the whole "super nerd" thing very attractive. You should go to the gym and become a pilot instead.
Stratch that. There's enough people in Heaven and Hell as it is.
Also, (no offense) I don't think it would help you much.
Joyce
Dear Joyce,
Hi, it's me! Okay, maybe you don't know me. Nobody does! When the slayer and her friend saw us, they knew who Warren was, they knew who Jonathan was, but they had no idea who I was. I'm going through a serious identity crisis here! Also, my fellow arch nemisis, um, people say I hide behind my true feelings with my Star Wars obsession. Is that true? Also, do you think I'm the hottest out of the three of us?
Anonymus
P.S. How do I stop Jonathan from cursing me with his stupid bone?
Dear Andrew,
If you want people to know who you are, you should sign your letters. Also, get over your Star Wars obsession. It's very disturbing. I guess you're the best looking out of your buddies, but trust me, that isn't saying much. As for your identity crisis, perhaps you should join a group or visit a psycologist. Maybe it's from childhood turmoil.
Joyce
P.S. If you want Jonathan to stop cursing you with his bone, steal it and break it.
P.P.S.
Dear Joyce,
Is Katrina up there? Does she miss me? Tell her I'm sorry about the sex robot, I'm sorry about the sex slave, and I'm sorry for killing her. Oh, do you think she'll take me back?
Leader of the slayer's arch nemisises
Dear Warren,
Katrina's reply: "Not if you were the last man on earth. I hope you die slowly and painfully and then go to hell."
Okay, I think she pretty much summed it up.
Joyce
Dear Buffy's Mom,
Hello. My name is Anya. I am an ex demon. I heard an expression that is really bothering me. "You can't take money with you when you die." Is that true?
Dear Anya,
Yes. When you die, money is no longer necessary. If you go to heaven, you get nice things for free! :)
Joyce
Dear Mom,
I love you. Thank you for helping me. He really listens to you. The viewers hated the people we became when we were together. I'm much happier now. Also, after I saw the letter that Dawn wrote you, I realized that I've been a bad parent. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. I know that my "being dead" excuse was getting old, but it was just so convienient. But mom, I think you're wrong about Angel. I like his hair.
Buffy
P.S. I'm scared. Once you've been to heaven, can you ever go back?
Sweetie,
I love you too. May you have all the happiness in the world. Take care of Dawn. Also, still stay friends with Spike. The viewers love his character on the show. Also, he's a great guy to just talk to. Wait and see. Now, to answer your question: If you continue to fight evil and put others before yourself (like what you did for Dawn), then I think you can come back. Remember to love other and to live your life to the fullest. The greatest thing in this world is to live in it.
Mom
P.S. By the way, you should let your hair grow out. I liked it better long.
Dear Joyce,
Thanks for the advice you gave to the chararacters! Now my viewers are once again enjoying the show and everything is great! You're a genius! Will you please help me write the episodes?
Joss
Dear Joss,
I would help you write the shows, but there's just one little problem. You killed me, you bastard!
Joyce Summers
P.S. Have a nice day! :)
P.P.S. Maybe if you brought me Tom Cruise, I'd be willing to negotiate.
(By the way readers, I have NOTHING against David Boreanaz's hair. I would love to run my fingers through it and, sigh. Wishful thinking. Two VERY hot vampires + one hot tub + me = pure happiness!)
Ask Joyce: Hello, my name is Joyce. I have decided to run an advice column now that I'm dead and have nothing better to do. Please send all letters to: Heaven in the sky, box #2079.
Dear Darling,
Ever since Valentine's Day during the second season, you're all I ever fantasize about! I've dated the most popular and bitchiest girl in my high school, had an small affair with my best friend, slept with a slayer, nearly got killed by a Praying Mantis, fell for an Inca mummy Princess, and am now engaged to an ex. demon. Still, all can I think about is you! Remember the last episode of the 4th season? I dreamed about you! See, we need to be together! I may be half your age and not the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm a good person. I'm in love with you, Joyce! I'll dump the ex. demon for you! Will you marry me?
Hopelessly devoted to you
P.S. Do you like my jokes?
Dear Xander,
Okay dear, before I even answer this letter, did it ever occur to you that I'm dead?!? How could I possibly marry you? And another thing, if I find out that the slayer you slept with was my daughter, there will be hell to pay! Literally. (I have connections up here).
Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm. Now, to answer your question, I will not marry you. Here's why:
1. I'm dead!
2. I'm twice your age!
3. You're already engaged to an ex demon.
4. You couldn't possibly support me on your salary!
5. I never liked you.
6. I know you had the hots for my daughter.
a. You're not good enough for my daughter, even now!
b. That's gross, marrying someone who used to have the hots for my daughter.
7. You're not manly enough for me!
8. I've sworn off men.
9. You're a pain in the ass and completely useless to the show!
10. I DON'T LIKE YOUR JOKES!
But other than that, have a nice day. :)
Joyce
P.S. Go buy you demon fiancee something pretty. Women like that.
Dear Mommy,
Why did you have to die? Now I'm stuck with Buffy the bitch forever! Also, why is it that the writers of this show never give me any good lines? All I ever do is complain that I'm lonely or have a temper tantrum. I want to say something funny! I want to have friends! I want to kick some vampire butt! I want to have sex scenes with Spike! Why am I being treated like a 10 year old?
Your favorite daughter
P.S. I love you, mommy.
Dear Dawnie,
You are grounded young lady! I've been watching you, and I saw you stealing from the Magic Box. Return that stuff at once! Also, we do not say the word "bitch" in this family. No phone calls for a week! As for your lines, I agree thay you need some friends. However, if you even consider having sex before you're 18, I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND KILL YOU! Now, the reason why I didn't let you slay vampires is because I always liked you better than your sister, and wanted you to have a life. I know she's annoying and a bad parent, but please understand that there's nothing I can do about that, so deal with it! Love you sweetie. :)
Mommy
P.S. The reason you're being treated like a 10 year old is because you act like a 10 year old.
P.P.S. Don't eat that ice cream I see you holding, it will spoil your dinner.
Dear Buffy's Mom,
I know we were never that close, but I always remembered you as being very wise. How can I get my girlfriend back and quit magic at the same time?
Desperate for answers
P.S. The fans don't seem to like me anymore. Do you know why?
Dear Willow,
I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend left you. I didn't know her too well, but she seemed nice. Now, the only way to get your girlfriend back is obviously to quit magic. The only way to quit magic is for you to be determined and have plenty of support from your friends. I know that's pretty hard, knowing that my daughter is a little "preoccupied" with her own misery, Tara's gone, Anya wouldn't understand, and Xander's not the sharpest tack in the box. I suggest that you get over your obsession with magic and get over it! Once you've quit magic for good, you WILL get your friends and Tara back.
Joyce
P.S. The reason the fans don't like you anymore is because all you ever do is complain on how hard it is for you to quit magic. In all honestly, the magic thing is getting old. Quit the magic and become the same Willow you were during the 1st-3rd season. We all loved you then. Trust me.
P.P.S. The whole Tara thing also upset some of the viewers. Although I think she's a sweetie, many of your fans want you to be with Oz.
Dear Glowy Lady in the Sky,
Ohhhhh, the stars are so pretty and the clouds are so fluffy! The sky looks like thousands of feet and the puppies are all singing! I can feel the moondust in my eyes and the leaves make crunchy sounds when I walk on them! What does it all mean?
Black Bunny
P.S. Do you think I'm crazy?
P.P.S. Do you think Spike and I have a chance of getting back together?
Dear Drusilla,
In all due honesty, I have no idea what you're talking about. If it means something, then I certainly don't know about it.
Joyce
P.S. Sorry to say it, but you are crazy.
P.P.S. After the whole Crush incident, I'm pretty sure he's uninterested. You hurt him pretty bad when you dumped him. He told me how you always flirted with other demons. Honey, that's not the best way to maintain a happy relationship. Besides, he's with MY daughter now. No contest.
Dear Mommy,
Buffy finished all the cereal! She always does this! What should I do?
Your favorite daughter
Dear Dawnie,
If Buffy always finishes the cereal, either get up before her or eat something else.
Mommy
P.S. Stop writing me at work, honey.
Dear Joyce,
Ever since our little "incident" in Band Candy, I've only gotten laid once or twice! Being that I'm such a deviously handsome man, I can't understand why I am not married and/or having sex more often. Am I doing something wrong?
Ruppert Giles
P.S. Do you think I made a mistake leaving the show?
Dear Rupert,
The problem with you is that you don't hang out with people anywhere close to your age! If you had gone to one of my art gallery shows, maybe you could have met a nice lady around my age who was very smart and very pretty. But no, no one ever wen to MY art gallery shows! Did Joss ever even show me at the museum? I wonder. Deep breath Joyce, calm down. Oh wait, I'm dead.
I think you'll be able to meet plently of girls in Great Britain. They're into the whole "stuffy act." But if you'd rather get American girls, then the only way is to let Ripper loose. The bad boy thing is very in in the states.
Joyce
P.S. Yes and no. It was a good decision for you, since you were just sitting there like a complete loser hanging out with people half your age, not getting "laid."
It was bad for the rest of the cast, since Willow is all messed up from her magic, Buffy is all depressed and moody, Anya really doesn't give a damn about anything except for money and Xander, and Xander's not exactly "Harvard Material." Oh the hell with it! Xander's an idiot!
I think the show was better with you. But you're better off in Britain getting drunk.
Dear Joyce,
Why was I kicked off the show, and why am I being ignored?
Riley
(Looks at letter. Throws it into hell)
Dear Mrs. Summers,
How are you doing? I miss you. You were the only one who I could talk to about my thoughts and feelings. Now, I have a question. May I take your daughter's hand in marriage?
P.S. Do you think you could tell me where to get those little marshmellows?
The charming blond vampire
Dear William,
Before I answer your question, I just want to say how nice it was to receive a letter asking how I was doing instead of complaining about your problems. I always enjoyed your company as well. You defintetly are my favorite out of all of Buffy's past romantic interests.
1. Vampire who does nothing but brood, unless he has sex. Then he gets all evil and tries to kill anyone. Besides, his hair bothers me.
2. A one night stand. Enough said.
3. Riley Finn. Do I even need to go there? Let's just say, Hell is begging Heaven to take him.
Out of those choices, I have to say that you're my favorite. I think that if you were human, I would have married you! However, like I told that Angel guy, my daughter needs to be able to live her life in the sunlight. Also, I've seen what's been going on since I died. Both you and Buffy are not good for each other. You're confusing my daughter, and she's made you into a helpless puppy. I think you guys should definetly be friends. You both used to be strong willed and amusing. Now the fans hate my daughter and you're not looking too great either, (Except when you're shirtless, those scenes are always nice). No, bad Joyce, bad. Please continue to write and watch over my daughters.
Joyce
P.S. The marshmellows are in the pantry. If you can't find them, look at isle 9 of at 7-11
P.P.S. If you still want to date humans, try Willow. The fans will love it. Plus, you guys would make a cute couple. Trust me, I know these things.
Dear Mommy,
I can't find my socks. Do you know where I put them?
Your favorite daughter
Dear Dawnie,
If you cleaned your room once in a while, you'd be able to find your socks. Get cleaning! By the way, they're in Buffy's room.
Mommy
P.S. Honey, this is an advice column, not a complaining service. Please don't write me at work unless you have a question. A good question.
P.P.S. Love you, honey.
Dear Mrs Summers,
How could you tell Spike that you like him better than me? First of all, I'm older. Second of all, I'm better looking. How can you resist my charms?
Angel
Dear Angel,
What charms? All you ever do is brood! I'm sorry, but you're not easy to like. And age has nothing to do with it. I just don't like you.
Joyce
P.S. You're not better looking, I'm sorry to say.
P.P.S. Your hair just bothers me.
Dear Joyce,
Hi, I'm one of your daughter's arch nemisisis. Wait, is that even a word? Stratch that. Okay, here's my question: Why is everyone always making fun of my height? It hurts my feelings! Also, do women ever find short guys sexy?
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
Yes, women can find short men sexy. Tom Cruise is a great example.Notice how I said MEN, not boys. Also, girls don't find the whole "super nerd" thing very attractive. You should go to the gym and become a pilot instead.
Stratch that. There's enough people in Heaven and Hell as it is.
Also, (no offense) I don't think it would help you much.
Joyce
Dear Joyce,
Hi, it's me! Okay, maybe you don't know me. Nobody does! When the slayer and her friend saw us, they knew who Warren was, they knew who Jonathan was, but they had no idea who I was. I'm going through a serious identity crisis here! Also, my fellow arch nemisis, um, people say I hide behind my true feelings with my Star Wars obsession. Is that true? Also, do you think I'm the hottest out of the three of us?
Anonymus
P.S. How do I stop Jonathan from cursing me with his stupid bone?
Dear Andrew,
If you want people to know who you are, you should sign your letters. Also, get over your Star Wars obsession. It's very disturbing. I guess you're the best looking out of your buddies, but trust me, that isn't saying much. As for your identity crisis, perhaps you should join a group or visit a psycologist. Maybe it's from childhood turmoil.
Joyce
P.S. If you want Jonathan to stop cursing you with his bone, steal it and break it.
P.P.S.
Dear Joyce,
Is Katrina up there? Does she miss me? Tell her I'm sorry about the sex robot, I'm sorry about the sex slave, and I'm sorry for killing her. Oh, do you think she'll take me back?
Leader of the slayer's arch nemisises
Dear Warren,
Katrina's reply: "Not if you were the last man on earth. I hope you die slowly and painfully and then go to hell."
Okay, I think she pretty much summed it up.
Joyce
Dear Buffy's Mom,
Hello. My name is Anya. I am an ex demon. I heard an expression that is really bothering me. "You can't take money with you when you die." Is that true?
Dear Anya,
Yes. When you die, money is no longer necessary. If you go to heaven, you get nice things for free! :)
Joyce
Dear Mom,
I love you. Thank you for helping me. He really listens to you. The viewers hated the people we became when we were together. I'm much happier now. Also, after I saw the letter that Dawn wrote you, I realized that I've been a bad parent. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. I know that my "being dead" excuse was getting old, but it was just so convienient. But mom, I think you're wrong about Angel. I like his hair.
Buffy
P.S. I'm scared. Once you've been to heaven, can you ever go back?
Sweetie,
I love you too. May you have all the happiness in the world. Take care of Dawn. Also, still stay friends with Spike. The viewers love his character on the show. Also, he's a great guy to just talk to. Wait and see. Now, to answer your question: If you continue to fight evil and put others before yourself (like what you did for Dawn), then I think you can come back. Remember to love other and to live your life to the fullest. The greatest thing in this world is to live in it.
Mom
P.S. By the way, you should let your hair grow out. I liked it better long.
Dear Joyce,
Thanks for the advice you gave to the chararacters! Now my viewers are once again enjoying the show and everything is great! You're a genius! Will you please help me write the episodes?
Joss
Dear Joss,
I would help you write the shows, but there's just one little problem. You killed me, you bastard!
Joyce Summers
P.S. Have a nice day! :)
P.P.S. Maybe if you brought me Tom Cruise, I'd be willing to negotiate.
(By the way readers, I have NOTHING against David Boreanaz's hair. I would love to run my fingers through it and, sigh. Wishful thinking. Two VERY hot vampires + one hot tub + me = pure happiness!)