Scenes (Of stupidity) from a mall
Final Fantasy 7-#21
Written by Gabe Ricard
Disclaimer: A few things actually DO belong to me here…but nothing worth mentioning.
Ahhh…season two. Already twenty episodes down the road, I thought now would be a good time to start a second season which will detail the birth of the new baby and a few other really dumb things. I do hope though…that even with the long absence of an actual FF7 episode. (Remember the last ten FF7 fics have been under the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga and since FF.NET never puts updated chapters at the front of the page the Saga was very quickly and very easily buried.) In case you don't know, this is a self-insertion series so if that bothers you, don't read this. I do have better things to do with my time then reading reviews by people bitching about how egotistical I am. Also, a knowledge of my FF7 series can help you enjoy this slightly more. Let's enjoy!
"Pregnant?!" Everyone paused from their meal and looked to Cloud at the head of the table. This was all Cloud had been saying for the last week. At first it was funny, this descended into annoying then concluded two days ago with blind indifference. It had been discussed at great length last night what they could do to get Cloud off this.
"I have some Valium," offered Cid having his second mid meal cigarette.
"What do you have Valium for?" Cait stuffed a chunk of leftover Bandicoot in his mouth which was humorous to those who didn't know him since he wasn't really required to eat. Cid tried to mouth the words 'Shera' but was slapped in the back of the head with so much force by his wife, his cigarette flew out of his mouth and penetrated Yuffie's left eye. Yuffie dropped her glass and began screaming. Vincent sighed loud enough so that everyone could hear him before, reaching over and pulling the cigarette out. He offered it to Cid in silence.
"I'll pass."
"I noticed that was your last cigarette," remarked Gabe wondering if he would have to go to the store later on for subs and vodka.
"Gimmie that fucking thing!" Cid reached over and grabbed the cigarette from Vincent and finished it, savoring every last drag before running off to buy some more.
"I got an idea."
"What daddy?" Marlene asked looking up at her father. Marlene was now going through a phase in which she demanded to be with her father at all times. This created an awkward situation at bath time.
Barret said nothing at first, only rising to his feet and walking over to Cloud. He stood behind him and raised his gunblade in the air, bringing it down upon Cloud's head. Cloud collapsed face-first into his food and lay unmoving. A moment later, barely audible snoring could be heard from Cloud's form.
Offfffffff to dreamland!
"Huzzah! Wha-? Cloud lifted himself up from the table and looked about him. Staring in confusion at surroundings that were not the ones he had passed out to. The room he was in appeared as if a sleazy drug dealer might find it more comfortable Cloud was finding it. "Where the fuck am I?" he shook his head and began to walk around. He was about to talk to himself a little more when the distinct sound of an infant crying pierced his ears. However, it wasn't just one baby screaming sound he heard from another room. It sounded like several. Now, Cloud began to get nervous. Aeris came into the room and for a moment, Cloud felt calmed by the presence of his wife. That relieved feeling soon tripled it's panic from a moment ago when he saw that she looked a lot like a truck stop, white trash waitress, asking you if you want the hillbilly hamburger special or just some coffee. She also looked to be pregnant. To top it all off, she looked to have as many as three cigarettes hanging from her mouth. "Aeris?"
"Fucking hell Cloud," the woman who looked like Aeris but certainly didn't speak like Aeris replied. "Don't even recognize your wife of ten years."
"T-ten years?"
"Are you drunk again? I had to blow with eight guys to get your job at Food City back for the LAST time you showed up after your one man bachelor party."
"I'm…not drunk?" he looked about his surroundings again making sure he had no idea where he was. "Where are we?"
"Don't even recognize your own house? We've been living her for 9 goddamn years?"
"What about the mayors mansion?"
"Oh THAT? After child #18 you sold the mansion to Space Ghost for a bottle of Bubblegum Schnapps. Geez, you get so fucking stupid every time I see you."
"Where the hells everyone else?!"
"They've been gone for years!" replied Aeris rising to meet Clouds growing hostile tone. "They got tired of baby-sitting and changing diapers!"
Cloud fell to his knees, putting his face into his hands. "A mess…my life's a mess."
Aeris lit a new series of cigarettes, throwing the old ones onto the back of Cloud. "That might be true retard…but even that's NOTHING compared to that 18 foot pile of human feces in the first babies room. And when you're done scooping that up…remember we can't afford paper towels anymore…you can get Mary-Jo out of jail, pick up the food stamps and welfare check, tell Billy-Ray-Brinkman to get AWAY from that stupid KKK meeting and pick up a copy of Little Nicky. And be quick about all this because you have to go to the library and get me a movie…and then get your ass to work. You didn't become senior vice-president of bagboys for nothing. And after that…"
"Dear god…what else?"
"It's baby making time…the mailman has a day off today and wont be stopping by."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Endddingggg dream sequence
"No…babies…everywhere…shit…bagboy…make it stop."
Gabe and Tifa, who were moments away before heading out the door on their first real date, stopped to look at the form of Cloud. Which was slightly obscured by the shadows of the night but was still in the exact same place to which Barret had knocked him out several hours ago. Considering Cloud's behavior prior to the forced rest, it was a nice change of pace.
"They're so cute when they're asleep," muttered Gabe putting his jacket on.
"Do you think he'll ever wake up?" Tifa watched her former boyfriend muttering about foodstamps and was not doing very well with trying to avoid bursting out in laughter.
"Maybe…but hey, who cares if he does? I could EASILY carry this thing." Tifa gave him a look that screamed otherwise. "What?! I could."
Tifa smiled, "Sure Gabe." The two walked off leaving Cloud to his outwardly peaceful sleep.
Elsewhere…in the mansion
Red XIII yawned and stretched out as far as he could go, "What a relaxing sleep." He looked up at the clock, "It's only ten? Well spank my ass and call me Garfield. Damn, now I have to find something to do. Where's that little idgit Cait Sith," Red began walking through the hallways. He stopped at a door near the end, "I think…this is his room. There's so damn many." Red pushed the door open with his paw and walked in. Jay and Tosha were wearing nothing and going at it as if they were the last two people on earth in charge of reproducing.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Catdog?! Shit?!" Jay fell off the bed and scrambled back. Red was then pushed back and looked up to see Silent Bob walk in with a sandwich. Silent Bob did not react as strongly as Red had, merely shaking his head and walking out of the room.
Red stood in open mouth shock until Tosha at last leapt from the bed and kicked Red out of the room with such fury that he crashed through the wall across from the door and into Vincent and Yuffie's new room. To add to his pain, they too were in a furious lovemaking session. Red was quite near ready to lose his lunch. Vincent, did not say a word perhaps because it was impossible over Yuffie's shrieks of anger/terror only drawing his shotgun and shooting at Red who managed to gather his senses long enough to whip out the door and bolt down the hallway. "Gotta get away…gotta get away, here…no one ever goes into this room." Red almost knocked the door off its hinges as he burst in and a second and a half later, Red wished he had tried another door.
Barret stood in front of a mirror wearing a red dress that obviously wasn't made for a man of his size. In the reflection, Red could see to his mind numbing horror that Barret was wearing poorly applied lipstick and makeup and had a rather attractive blond wig on to accentuate the rest of the fashion nightmare. Red was fairly sure that Barret had not seen him as he was standing in front of the mirror with a hand and gun arm on his hips. He was swaying himself back and forth saying in as feminine a voice as perhaps Barret could managed, "I'm a lady…a very pretty lady, pretty, pretty lady." Red, trying to keep both his lunch, composure and based on the two previous images that were burned in his mind, vision and walked out using every ounce of his cat like reflexes to avoid Barret noticing him. Red escaped and ran off to drink his nightmares away.
Eight days later…
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NO MORE!!! NO MORE!!!" Cloud shot up and sent a small lake of drool flying into Yuffie's face, as she happened to walk past. Yuffie screamed and ran out of the room. Vincent came into the room a moment later and stopped as he heard Yuffie cursing in the next room and then looked over to Cloud who sat in the same chair he had been in for over 12 hours with a confused look on his face.
"You're awake…"
"Vincent! Oh thank god!" Cloud jumped up and clasped his hands around Vincent's shoulders, scaring the hell out of him. "How many babies live in this house?!"
"Excuse me?"
"HOW MANY GOD DAMN CHILDREN LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!"
"Well…there's Cid…and…Marlene and Edgar."
"Too far in the series
"My bad homes. A tear fell down Edgar's face as he turned and walked away."
"Am I still mayor?!"
"Oh yeah…they called like four hours ago asking if you were planning to come into work."
"Where's Aeris?!"
"Shera's took her baby clothes shopping. Actually everyone's going to the mall. You wanna go with us?"
Cloud's eyes suddenly popped open even farther, "BABIES!! AHHHHHH!!" he grabbed the sides of Vincent's head and slammed the back of his head against the wall. His screaming resembling that of someone was having their pinky fingers sawed off. "HOW MANY?!?"
Vincent knocked Cloud's hands away and stared at him in disbelief. "The hell should I know? One I think…" Cloud said nothing more and walked away. Vincent took a moment to regain his composure and wondered if he should recommend his therapist to Cloud. He heard Yuffie still screeching in the adjacent room and rolled his eyes, walking in to calm her down. A few moments later, Cloud, Vincent and Yuffie were on the Highwind.
"Off we go…TO THE MALL!"
"Barret, stop that." Tifa was ready to uppercut her long time friend and one time sugardaddy. "Go to the bridge or something."
"Fine, fine."
"Shouldn't you be at work?" asked Gabe standing with Cloud on the bridge.
"Work is for nerds."
"So, you're over Aeris being pregnant?"
"No…but I have taken 45 types of medication so I am now totally indifferent. Where is she anyway?"
"In her room on the airship I think."
"Thank you," Cloud turned and walked off the airship. Gabe yawned and wondered were Tifa had gone off to. Knowing it would be a full twenty minutes before they arrived at the new Shinra Mall, Gabe walked back onto the ship to look for his new significant other as well.
Checking in on Cloud…
"Oh I see you're alive," Aeris did not turn around to meet her husband. Instead, she sat on the bed with her arms folded, staring at the wall. There was a magic eye directly across from her so this helped things along somewhat.
"Yes…I think I am," Cloud was beginning to feel a little dizzy. He also wondered to himself why Aeris had suddenly grown a second head that was facing him as opposed to the other one. Cloud also would have liked to know when all the elves dressed as Riff Raff would leave but he wasn't going to be picky in his demands. "About this baby?"
"Yes?"
"I think…we should make sure his school fundamentals are based on chicken." Aeris was about to reply but stopped and thought for a moment on what Cloud had just said. She turned around and Cloud could not help but notice she was looking an awful lot like a cross between herself, Joan Rivers and Freddy Krueger.
"Cloud, are you okay? You're making no sense at all and your looking really pale."
"Lunch pails? Yeah…I like the one with Bruce Campbell on it where the ice creams inside my belly."
Aeris was silent for a moment as she studied Clouds face and constant hand twitches before the answer hit her, she let out a loud groan. "You took all that old medication Cait Sith brought home from the mental institution didn't you?"
Clouds head rolled about which prompted Aeris to set it straight, "I can fit a liter of Pepsi into my navel."
"I think I'll leave you alone for now," Aeris sighed. She didn't quite know what she would do with her husband. She had never seen him act like this before. Aeris had come to expect this sort of stupidity from Cid or perhaps Barret. "Please just wait here when we get to the mall." Cloud muttered a response that Aeris was unable to distinguish. "What?" Again, Cloud responded with something that sounded like gibberish but had a couple of intelligable words. Aeris sighed again, "One more time Cloud…"
"I said…SEXY MONKIES!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
Aeris shook her head at her moronic husband and after taking a moment to wonder if it was too late to run for it, decided to forget about it and let the genius sleep off his mystery pills. She turned and walked out, not saying another word. Cloud fell on the bed in a heap of giggle laden sobs. He stopped, thirty-two seconds later and looked towards the closet. Inside the closet, which was open just enough to show off the one article of clothing inside. One of Aeris's dress's. The same type of dress she always wore. Cloud grinned, causing drool to leak out of his mouth and form a large puddle on the bed. "That's an AWWWWWWFULLLLLYYYYY pretty umbrella."
Inside the mall…
"You know what bugs me?" Tifa glanced over at Gabe.
"What?" the two walked through the video store. Both had plans to buy damn near everything in the store. Clouds job as mayor brought Cloud the paycheck of 20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gil per month and with that, generous allowances for everyone. Despite this, Barret still bitched about not having a job.
"The stereotype I seem to carry."
"What stereotype?"
"That I'm some kind of two-cent slut."
"Where do you get that notion from?
"I went to fanfiction.net the other day."
"Ah. Come on, just as many people hate Aeris and almost EVERYONE hates Yuffie. Everyone except Sarah anyway," Gabe shook his head at that last thought out loud.
"Maybe…but they don't have this slut stereotype following them everywhere. And why? Because I dress like this?"
"I'm not complaining," Gabe threw several DVDs into a bag.
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Hey Tifa!" Tifa turned around and noticed a man walking over to them. Gabe remarked to himself that he was easily the harriest looking man he had ever seen. Gabe also noticed this man had large breasts.
"G'Mec! What…a surprise."
G'Mec grinned, "Isn't it. What are you up to?"
"Just buying movies with my man," Tifa put an arm around Gabe and pulled him close to her.
"That's groovy. Well, you two crazy kids take it easy AIGHT?"
"Sure thing. See you around," Tifa offered an uncomfortable smile. G'Mec turned and ran off.
"That was G'Mec. The Ass-Man."
"Why do you call him that?"
"Aeris made it up. He likes to…do stuff…with girls ass's."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Stuff with his tongue."
"Ugh. I guess Aeris can be talked into anything."
"What do you mean?"
"Well like you said, she let him do all this stuff to her ass."
"Aeris?" Tifa looked down. "No that was me."
Gabe chuckled, "Yeah right."
"I'm serious."
Gabe dropped his bag of DVDs and looked at Tifa. "YOU LET THAT GUY TONGUE FUCK YOUR ASS?!?!" Everyone had now stopped looking for movies and were watching the far more interesting scene before them.
"Yeah…"
"WHY?!"
"We were fooling around. I used to date him."
Gabe pretended to calm down, "Okay…how many guys? Tell you what, how many guys THIS YEAR. Actually…how many ANYTHING this year."
"Umm…gimmie a second." Tifa began counting quietly. Gabe became impaitent shortly. "Well?"
"Something like…thirty-six," Tifa replied in a hushed voice.
"WHAT?! SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?!"
"Pretty much."
"DOES THAT EVEN INCLUDE ME?!"
"Thirty seven."
"THIRTY SEVEN THAT'S LUDICROUS!!" Tifa noticed Gabe looking at her.
"What?"
"And? That was only men right?"
"Oh yeah…eight women…two plant like crreatures…four unknown monsters…and LL COOL J."
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!"
"Well how many girls have YOU fucked?" snapped Tifa not wanting to be pushed around any longer.
"YOU!"
"Just me?"
"YEAH! LOOK AT ME! DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GUY THAT EVER GETS LAID?!"
"You got me there."
"Argh…every time I fuck you I'm going to be fucking thirty six other guys and a host of god knows what else!"
"Hey!" Tifa lost it and wound back, kicking Gabe in the nuts. When Gabe hit the ground, Tifa stormed off. Gabe pulled himself up and decided he needed some aspirin. His migraine was now making it difficult to look at anything but the ground.
Elsewhere…
"Come on Daddy! Buy me something! Pleassssseeeeeeeeee?"
Barret had to smile at his young daughter as she jumped around, hoping her skills at this would somehow convince Barret to let her daughter pick out something. Actually, it was his intention all along to buy her something or he just wouldn't have taken her into the store. "Go ahead honey." Marlene squealed and ran down the aisle, her eyes scanning across every toy in record speed. Marlene came to something that caught her interest and stopped, reaching up and grabbing it off the shelf and running back to her father.
"How about this?"
Barret looked at the toy and at that moment, should have screamed in horror, blown the toy into a million pieces and ran for everything he had. He should have done this, but he didn't. Instead, he grabbed the Chucky doll, the very same one that had tried to kill him when he went on vacation (See episode six, Vacation Time). Barret took the doll to the counter, never once noticing that the doll was almost exploding with suppressed laughter.
Moving on…
"Where's hubby?" inquired Shera surveying a skirt, she knew was meant for anyone below the age twenty.
Aeris rolled her eyes, "Don't ask."
"Why? What happened?"
"Guess."
Shera didn't have to, "He ate all that medication Cait brought from the nut house didn't he?"
"Good guess."
"Thanks. Cid tried to steal that earlier but I was able to catch him. I should have let him though. Not like he'll ever need those brain cells anyway."
"I really don't know if he's ready to be a father."
Shera sighed, "I know he is. If Cloud is anything, he's a really nice guy…despite his penchant for doing really stupid things. He'll be a great father."
"You're right. I guess if anyone would know it'd be you."
"Trust me. Cloud will be fine." When Shera uttered this, Cloud burst into the clothing store on the other side. Wearing the dress, Cloud began slicing people apart at random, screaming something regarding popcorn. He got bored of this a minute later and began throwing fireballs at everyone with the mastered Materia he found in the room earlier.
"I always speak too soon."
"Should we try and stop him?" asked Shera.
"No. I'm hungry. Let's go to Salad Shooters and get something to eat."
"Works for me." Aeris and Shera walked out of Fashionable B****es to the other side of the mall.
At the movie theater?
Yuffie giggled as she emerged from the bathroom. Her legs were shaking and her head was pounding. The thieving, ninja whore latched onto her boyfriends arm and hung off him. Vincent yawned. "That was incredible."
"Yeah…who would have thought you could have sex in over 50 bathroom stalls in less then an hour?"
"Not me that's for damn sure. Do we still want to see a movie?"
"Hell yes."
"What are we going to see?"
"Crossroads."
"Are you serious Vinny?"
"Very. Let's go get some tickets."
"What's the point? We're in the theater already."
"True. But I only said we needed to use the bathroom."
"Come on no one will ever know."
"I don't know…theaters are known to be fairly evil in enforcing rules like these."
"No one will ever know, now let's go."
"You're right," Vincent sighed and led the still giddy Yuffie into theater seven.
Inside…THEATER SEVEN!!
"I smell an Oscar winner," Vincent grinned and sat down in the same area he always sat in when he went to the movies; In the middle, in his view, this was the perfect area to enjoy the film. Yuffie, sat in his lap as she would no doubt be making out with him for the duration of the entire film.
"I thought the Oscar nominees were announced already," Yuffie stuffed some nameless candy into her mouth and chewed them down with increasing loudness before slowing them down as if she was on the job.
"They were…but once word of this film classic gets out, the Oscar people will have NO CHOICE but to add this to the list and give awards to all involved."
"You're right as always Vinny. Now, come here and make out with me." Vincent chuckled and began kissing his girlfriend with all the passion he could still muster after the marathon of love they had just taken part in over at the bathroom stalls. Vincent, managed to get into the spirit of the moment and was so into it in fact, that he didn't notice the attendant walk down the aisle and aim his borrowed time flashlight at the couple.
"Ticket please," his voice resembled Mr. Rogers on heroin.
Vincent wanted to wrap his hand and claw around Yuffie's petite throat and choke the smarmy life out of her but instead, offered a weak smile and explained he didn't have a ticket nor did his soon to be dead girlfriend.
Heroin Rogers nodded, "I see…GUARDS!" Vincent leapt from his seat, sending Yuffie flying into the next row headfirst Behind the guard were two giant mechs, looking like extras from an episode of Gundam Wing. "Son of a BITCH!" Vincent screamed. He knew what had to be done, he leapt back and with a whisper under his breath, transformed into Hellmasker. The last sound that came from the two mechs was a small eep before Hellmasker sliced them in two with his ever present chainsaw. This wasn't enough for Hellmasker who now had taken over Vincent's mind for the next half hour. Heroin Rogers was next to go, along with the rest of the patrons in theater seven. The exception being Yuffie who hid away from Hellmasker's view. Hellmasker cackled with his child-like glee and sliced the walls open, leaving through them to destroy everything in his twisted path. Yuffie, waited until Vincent was gone and feeling rather guilty for being the cause of this all, went to a quiet place to change her shorts. She would follow Vincent as best she could and try to get him back to normal.
At DRUGS…sweet, sweet DRUGS Pharmacy
"Wow…11,000 varieties of aspirin," Gabe shook his head. He decided to go for the best headache medicine in the world. He grabbed a bottle of NyQuil and went for the counter when he stopped. At the far end of the aisle was Tosha looking at a selection of something with a rather frantic look upon her face. Gabe put the medicine in his pocket and walked over to her. Tosha noticed Gabe hovering over her and screamed, drawing stares from everyone in the store. "You….all right Tosha?"
"All right? OF COURSE! I'm…fine…yes! Fine! Why wouldn't I be fine you foolish Canadian?"
"Yeah…are you looking at Pregnancy tests?"
"NO!"
"Okay…" Gabe knew the answer but chose not to press it. This was far too amusing. For a moment, it made him forget that his girlfriend had banged 36 other guys in the last year alone.
"ARGHHHHHH!!! THERE'S TOO DAMN MANY!!!!!!!!"
"Take a bunch then," Gabe suggested.
"Good idea," Tosha seeming to forget moments earlier that she had protected her shopping secret with nearly her life, scooped up a dozen boxes and dumped them onto the counter. Behind the counter, stood a girl who looked to be about eighteen or nineteen and extremely pissed off with the job she currently held. She also had a collection of piercings on her face that caused Gabe to stare in awe. Her name tag bore the name, Rebecca.
"Hurry up Tosha," muttered Gabe.
Rebecca looked down at the boxes and smirked, "Rough weekend?"
"Shut up and ring this up!" snapped Tosha.
Rebecca scowled as if she had been slapped, "Sure…" her scowl changed into a sadistic grin. "But first…"
"I'M FINISHED YOU DAMN SLAVE DRIVER!!!" Rebecca, Tosha and, Gabe turned around to see a girl about the same age with the nametag Tori.
"Are you now?" asked Tosha rhetorically. "Hmmm," she craned her neck up beyond Sarah. "Nope…I see a spot at the western corner of the store. Back you go."
"GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!" Tori snatched up the bucket and stormed away. Rebecca gave her attention back to Gabe and Tosha.
"Now then…where were weeeeeeeee?" Tosha picked up a microphone from the side of the cash register. "I need a price check on these items. Sadly though…the only one that works is the one I have for the entire mall. So, so sorry." Tosha's eyes burst open. Gabe wanted someone, anyone to ring up the NyQuil. "Attention all mall patrons…I need a price check…on a dozen or so home pregnancy tests. ATTENTION EVERYONE…apparently 'Tosha' has never heard of the pill. I REPEAT…I need a price check for a Tosha…about 5'6…130 pounds…blue/black hair…about a D cup…wearing a black tank top and black leather pants…and…an interesting trench coat type thing. Anyone?" She was silent for a moment before she shrugged and put the microphone down. "I guess not…" she looked down at the boxes. "Oh wait!" she feigned shock rather poorly. "Here's the price tags. Lemme just ring these up for…"
"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Rebecca turned around to see Tori leap on her with knife in hands. Gabe and Tosha looked down to see the two fight for several minutes. Before, the two broke out into a vicious make out session. Tosha grabbed her merchandise and ran out. Gabe watched for several minutes before drinking down the entire bottle of NyQuil and walking out.
In ANOTHER part of the mallllll…
"I need a beer," announced Cid lighting his 17th pre mid afternoon cigarette.
"Another one? You just drank half a dozen at that cheers theme bar on the 5th floor.
"Yes…ANOTHER one…Cait Sith…you retarded, homosexual IMP!"
"I swear to god…Cid…you call me imp one more time…and I will bite your nuts off."
Cid was about to challenge Cait on that one when, he noticed the sign on the store in front of him. "Here we go…Empty Chaos's bar for angry chicks only…sounds like my kind of place."
"Cid…I'm not sure about that."
"Oh come on…by angry chicks…you KNOW they mean hot, sexy, lesbian strippers."
"Really?"
"Sure!"
"I doubt it…"
"Never know till we try…come on. My liver cries out for alcohol abuse."
"I thought drinking was bad for the liver."
"That's just what those whiny recovering alcoholics want you to think. Hurry up."
Cait Sith pondered whether that made sense or not and bounded to inside with Cid. Waiting for them inside was woman who looked to be at least eight feet tall with muscles that would make Arnold cringe. She wore a helpful nametag that had the name Phreakgirl written in what had to be the nicest handwriting Cait Sith had ever seen. Phreakgirl pushed her glasses down and looked at Cid and Cait, "You two don't look like hardcore chicks to me…"
Cid was about to interject with something that would have been considered rather stupid to say but, Cait was able to but in, "We are! I'm an robotic female ACTUALLY made out to look like a male cat and this here is the worlds ugliest woman," Cait pointed to Cid who didn't hear what the cat had just said and asked several times for him to repeat it.
"Ah…I thought that guy was ugly. Go ahead…just tell Sarah the bartender your in on account of me and you'll get some good beer.
"Thank you," Cait did a cute little dance and walked inside with Cid, steering him away from the main part of the bar where their true identity would most likely be discovered.
Back at one of the many DVD/VHS stores…
"You asked Tifa regarding her past relationships didn't you?" Gabe turned around and saw Red XIII watching him.
"Yep…how did you know?"
"I can see the blood stains around your crotch…a most unfourtunate view I assure you."
"Oh…" Gabe looked down and thanked god he had black jeans on, "Any advice from a long time friend?"
"Rent every single Drew Barrymore movie ever made. And buy some flowers…a good porn flick would help too. Something with tentacles."
"That's it?"
"Yep."
"Thanks man…so what have you been up to in this mall today?"
"Very little…I killed Bob Barker."
"Really? Where?"
"Men's room on the 2nd floor. He kicked me."
"Why'd he do that?"
"I called him a cockteaser."
"Can I ask why?"
"He looked at me funny…I can't stand in when game show hosts look at me strange."
"Makes sense…I killed Phil Collins for the same reason. I'll go buy all that stuff you suggested. Thanks man."
"Can you get me a date with Dead Star?"
"That might be tough…why do you want to date a human all of a sudden?"
"What do you mean…all of a sudden?" Red laughed, "We're supposed to meet at the entrance in ten minutes to leave so hurry up. Oh yeah…Clouds high on uppers and is destroying most of the mall with his sword and a Fire Materia. He's also wearing Aeris's dress. That one that lets her bust hang out a little farther then normal."
"Anything else?"
"Not that I can think of…oh yeah! Vincent turned into Hellmasker and is cutting through all the people at the mall. So, watch out for them. Chances are, we're leaving them here to find their own way home."
"Makes sense. Why don't you stick around and help me get all this crap for Tifa?"
"Sure…"
Back at the bar…
"Hey guys," Barret waved to Shera and Aeris who had caught Yuffie and Vincent along the way. Vincent looked rather dazed.
"Where's everyone else?" asked Shera.
"Not here yet…I noticed Cloud…are we?"
Aeris answered Barret, "Yes…we can leave him behind. He'll come off the medication soon and then he can sleep outside."
"Heh…oh my god," Barret and everyone else for that matter, turned to their left to see, Cait Sith dragging Cid out of the bar they were standing in front of. Cid's eyes looked to be bleeding, scratches decorated his face and there was blood soaking through his legs coming from seemingly one source.
"Cid decided to hit on the Babes in Toyland fans," explained Cait who knew he's be telling this story for the rest of his life.
"I feel bad…" remarked Shera. "And yet I can't stop smiling."
:"You're a sicko all right," chuckled Barret also enjoying what he was seeing.
A few feet away…
Tifa saw the others and sighed. She would be glad when she was back at the mansion. A rest was just what she needed.
"Ello…"
Tifa turned around to see Gabe standing with Red XIII who quickly walked to catch up with the others, "Hey. What's that?" Tifa pointed towards the bag,
"Charlies Angels, Poison Ivy, ET, Riding in cars with boys and the Wedding Singer. Plus, some black roses and…Mad Tentacle Love 3. I'm sorry I got mad…that's not a lot of people really. I can get over it."
Tifa embraced Gabe and kissed him lightly, "You're sweet."
"Yes…yes I am. Let's get out of here."
"Works for me," Gabe threw an arm over Tifa and the two walked towards the others together. Everyone then left.
Elsewhere…
"I'M THE GOD!! I'M THE GOD!!!" Cloud set four more children on fire and moved into a larger group of fleeing people slicing two people in half.
End.
Ah…done at last. I'm sure there's a ton of ghastly errors on this but I really wanted to get this series back on track so if anything besides the horrible writing is messed up here. Let me know…thanks for reading. The next episode is on it's way along with my usual slew of fan fics, stories and poems. Plus a brand new Things That Piss Me Off and a list about Jack Off Jill…which has my favorite singer in the whooolllleee widdeeee world. PLUS a brand new list counting down the ten best WWF World Champions ever.