Disclaimer: I own nothing, please don't hurt me.
AN: Ok, this is NOT a piss take. I love Harry/Draco slash, but It's a semi-parody of sorts,
basically a collection of awful jokes, and maybe there'll be a plot somewhere. But this is
purely for fun. thank you very much, and review!
===========================================================
Chapter 2:
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, stared at Draco for a full 13-and-a-half minutes before
any one even noticed that he hadn't been talking, eating, or indeed blinking all that time.
Hermione waved her hand in front of his eyes while Ron placed his head on Harry's shoulder,
trying to see what he was staring at. Harry merely shrugged, and Ron lost his balance, falling
over Neville who'd chosen that moment to stand up after searching for his frog in that very
convenient spot behind Ron's legs.
Most of the great hall burst out laughing, and many of the Griffindors fell off their
chairs in laughter.
"Well, well," began a familiar, cold drawl. "One would have thought that this many
mudbloods would have learnt by this age how to sit on a chair."
"Quite right, Malfoy." echoed Blaise, giving as good as a pureblood of slightly lower
breeding could, "One would also have supposed they could stand up without some outside help."
"Not to mention how two purebloods, such as yourselves, should be capable of counting higher
than 'one'"
"Now, now Potter, no need to get defensive." Hermione couldn't help but notice how Malfoy's
confident smirk became slightly less malicious when directed at harry.
"See you all in potions- and do calm down Ronniekins, your palour is matching your hair."
Draco sauntered off before Hermione or Ginny could ask him to sign their photographs, and Zambini
followed with his feet, the same path Harry followed with his eyes.
"You have to admit it though Ron," began Seamus, trying to coax his housemates back into
conversation, "His insults are getting better."
"Yeah, he only used "mudblood" once, and he didn't say anything about Neville's squibness."
added Dean, for no other reason than Ron's colour change from red to purple was something that had
to be appreciated.
"Are you trying to tell me...that... that... -thing- should be congratulated on not saying
mudblood and squib in the same bloody sentence?" (At this point a simultaneous yell of "Language Mr.
Weasley!" and "10 points from Griffindor" could be heard vaguely from either end of the teacher's
table)
"He is getting better!" squealed Ginny.
"Yeah, he didn't say Potty, Weasel, Squib, sod, wanker, git, fu-fu.." listed Hermione,
ignoring the looks Ron was giving her.
"...Eunic, (you know what one of them is, right Ron?), Hufflepuff... what?"
"Dean, how is 'Hufflepuff' an insult?" Harry ignored the sight of Hufflepuffs snorting
pumpkin juice out of their nostrils, silently thanking Merlin that Dean's back was turned to
that particular table.
Seamus turned around in his seat, and stared at the Hufflepuffs for a moment, before saying
loudly: "Harry old chum, if you can't figure -that- out for yourself, I don't know how you'll
survive the classes where you'll need your wits about you!" (To which an oily voice yelled
"He won't! Ow! gerroff Minerva!" from the direction of the teacher's table.)
***************IN POTIONS! YAY!***********************************
Snape walked into the classroom in a particularly violent mood, and every thing on his desk, or
shelves promptly transfigured themselves into frogs and hopped out of the window, leaving his
students to wish that they could do the same. Snape placed a chair in the middle of the room, in
full view of the students, and sat gracefully on it, neatly folding his hands in his lap, and smiled
at the class. Every thing in the room, (paintings included) fearfully gave their full
attention, for Snape NEVER sat down, NEVER did anything gracefully, and NEVER EVER smiled.
"Today class," he began in an extremely tense, restrained voice, "We will not be making any type
of potion, (Unless you all give me a bloody heart attack and force me to make a lovely little pois..."
Realising he had been babbling to himself, he quickly cleared his throat and started again.
"We are going to talk about Death eaters, and what you do or do not know of them. This is
to be a purely educational conversation, no personal grudges must be held, and no foul language will
be used when describing them. Understood? Good."
An hour and a half later, Snape had given a lecture that would terrify Lucius Malfoy into
dropping out of the inner circle, and become a nun. With the help of Blaise ("The Dark Mark burns
like hell"), Draco ("The simplest insults pissed off old Vaccuum face"), and various other students
who knew anything about being a death eater,
"Father was always so grumpy", (Milicent Bulstrode)
"you-know-who was one ugly assed mutha-",
"It's so difficult because the only way to rebel is to be nice" (Pansy Parkinson)
"Or gay" (Blaise)
"Or anything to do with not killing Harry really" (Draco.) This last comment brought murmers
of agreement from most of the room.
However, as it was revealed that the conversation was supposed to be non-biased, several less
convincing points came across:
"Death Eaters are usually rich" (Goyle)
"And/or incredibly stupid." (Draco)
"They give you loads of food" (Crabbe)
"They give you loads of curses to master." (Pansy)
"They give you loads of opportunities to prove your worth- then beat you when you fail." (Blaise)
"Voldemort, erm, has, lots of names..." (Draco)
"Voldemort's over fifty, so he's a bit past it." (Blaise)
"And he looks like a snake" (Goyle)
"And he sounds like a snake" (Crabbe)
"And he has a pet Snake" (Goyle)
"And he lets these two morons babble on about snakes" (Snape)
Soon it was lunchtime, and Snape gave the class their homework:
CHOOSE AN ASPECT OF THE DEATH EATING CULTURE AND GIVE ME FOUR SCROLL ESSAY ON IT BY TOMORROW. WORK
IN PAIRS!
*****LATER********************************************************
The rest of the day was uneventful, except that in honour of all the muggles and muggle-borns that
had died in Voldemort's "crusade", the following day was to be a muggle day. The entire school
would be forced to wear muggle clothes and take part in muggle lessons. Instead of potions: science
etc. In the Slytherin dormatries that night one little blond boy was not only completing his potions
homework, but was also panicking about what to wear, what to wear!
TBC
=======================================================================================================
Now I have to think....... hmmmmm, how to make things funny??? Y'know it's scary, I think I'm
getting a plot... nah! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!
Love Chiche
AN: Ok, this is NOT a piss take. I love Harry/Draco slash, but It's a semi-parody of sorts,
basically a collection of awful jokes, and maybe there'll be a plot somewhere. But this is
purely for fun. thank you very much, and review!
===========================================================
Chapter 2:
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, stared at Draco for a full 13-and-a-half minutes before
any one even noticed that he hadn't been talking, eating, or indeed blinking all that time.
Hermione waved her hand in front of his eyes while Ron placed his head on Harry's shoulder,
trying to see what he was staring at. Harry merely shrugged, and Ron lost his balance, falling
over Neville who'd chosen that moment to stand up after searching for his frog in that very
convenient spot behind Ron's legs.
Most of the great hall burst out laughing, and many of the Griffindors fell off their
chairs in laughter.
"Well, well," began a familiar, cold drawl. "One would have thought that this many
mudbloods would have learnt by this age how to sit on a chair."
"Quite right, Malfoy." echoed Blaise, giving as good as a pureblood of slightly lower
breeding could, "One would also have supposed they could stand up without some outside help."
"Not to mention how two purebloods, such as yourselves, should be capable of counting higher
than 'one'"
"Now, now Potter, no need to get defensive." Hermione couldn't help but notice how Malfoy's
confident smirk became slightly less malicious when directed at harry.
"See you all in potions- and do calm down Ronniekins, your palour is matching your hair."
Draco sauntered off before Hermione or Ginny could ask him to sign their photographs, and Zambini
followed with his feet, the same path Harry followed with his eyes.
"You have to admit it though Ron," began Seamus, trying to coax his housemates back into
conversation, "His insults are getting better."
"Yeah, he only used "mudblood" once, and he didn't say anything about Neville's squibness."
added Dean, for no other reason than Ron's colour change from red to purple was something that had
to be appreciated.
"Are you trying to tell me...that... that... -thing- should be congratulated on not saying
mudblood and squib in the same bloody sentence?" (At this point a simultaneous yell of "Language Mr.
Weasley!" and "10 points from Griffindor" could be heard vaguely from either end of the teacher's
table)
"He is getting better!" squealed Ginny.
"Yeah, he didn't say Potty, Weasel, Squib, sod, wanker, git, fu-fu.." listed Hermione,
ignoring the looks Ron was giving her.
"...Eunic, (you know what one of them is, right Ron?), Hufflepuff... what?"
"Dean, how is 'Hufflepuff' an insult?" Harry ignored the sight of Hufflepuffs snorting
pumpkin juice out of their nostrils, silently thanking Merlin that Dean's back was turned to
that particular table.
Seamus turned around in his seat, and stared at the Hufflepuffs for a moment, before saying
loudly: "Harry old chum, if you can't figure -that- out for yourself, I don't know how you'll
survive the classes where you'll need your wits about you!" (To which an oily voice yelled
"He won't! Ow! gerroff Minerva!" from the direction of the teacher's table.)
***************IN POTIONS! YAY!***********************************
Snape walked into the classroom in a particularly violent mood, and every thing on his desk, or
shelves promptly transfigured themselves into frogs and hopped out of the window, leaving his
students to wish that they could do the same. Snape placed a chair in the middle of the room, in
full view of the students, and sat gracefully on it, neatly folding his hands in his lap, and smiled
at the class. Every thing in the room, (paintings included) fearfully gave their full
attention, for Snape NEVER sat down, NEVER did anything gracefully, and NEVER EVER smiled.
"Today class," he began in an extremely tense, restrained voice, "We will not be making any type
of potion, (Unless you all give me a bloody heart attack and force me to make a lovely little pois..."
Realising he had been babbling to himself, he quickly cleared his throat and started again.
"We are going to talk about Death eaters, and what you do or do not know of them. This is
to be a purely educational conversation, no personal grudges must be held, and no foul language will
be used when describing them. Understood? Good."
An hour and a half later, Snape had given a lecture that would terrify Lucius Malfoy into
dropping out of the inner circle, and become a nun. With the help of Blaise ("The Dark Mark burns
like hell"), Draco ("The simplest insults pissed off old Vaccuum face"), and various other students
who knew anything about being a death eater,
"Father was always so grumpy", (Milicent Bulstrode)
"you-know-who was one ugly assed mutha-",
"It's so difficult because the only way to rebel is to be nice" (Pansy Parkinson)
"Or gay" (Blaise)
"Or anything to do with not killing Harry really" (Draco.) This last comment brought murmers
of agreement from most of the room.
However, as it was revealed that the conversation was supposed to be non-biased, several less
convincing points came across:
"Death Eaters are usually rich" (Goyle)
"And/or incredibly stupid." (Draco)
"They give you loads of food" (Crabbe)
"They give you loads of curses to master." (Pansy)
"They give you loads of opportunities to prove your worth- then beat you when you fail." (Blaise)
"Voldemort, erm, has, lots of names..." (Draco)
"Voldemort's over fifty, so he's a bit past it." (Blaise)
"And he looks like a snake" (Goyle)
"And he sounds like a snake" (Crabbe)
"And he has a pet Snake" (Goyle)
"And he lets these two morons babble on about snakes" (Snape)
Soon it was lunchtime, and Snape gave the class their homework:
CHOOSE AN ASPECT OF THE DEATH EATING CULTURE AND GIVE ME FOUR SCROLL ESSAY ON IT BY TOMORROW. WORK
IN PAIRS!
*****LATER********************************************************
The rest of the day was uneventful, except that in honour of all the muggles and muggle-borns that
had died in Voldemort's "crusade", the following day was to be a muggle day. The entire school
would be forced to wear muggle clothes and take part in muggle lessons. Instead of potions: science
etc. In the Slytherin dormatries that night one little blond boy was not only completing his potions
homework, but was also panicking about what to wear, what to wear!
TBC
=======================================================================================================
Now I have to think....... hmmmmm, how to make things funny??? Y'know it's scary, I think I'm
getting a plot... nah! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!
Love Chiche