If You're Gone

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Dawson's Creek, they are the brilliant creation of Kevin Williamson et al.  The song is Matchbox Twenty's "If You're Gone"

~***~ Author's Notes:  I personally prefer Joey and Pacey, but I liked Joey and Dawson in the first two seasons.  This is my first attempt at a songfic.  It was inspired by the first real D/J breakup, when she decided she needed to find herself and took up art. I hope you like the story, please Read and Review!!! ~***~

I think I've already lost you

I think you're already gone

I think I'm finally scared now

You think I'm weak – But I think you're wrong

Dawson looked into Joey's eyes, unable to understand what she was saying or why she was saying it.  He had always imagined everything being perfect with Joey…Joey was perfect.  She was his everything, and he wished that he could even begin to express it in words.  "Jo…I…"

"Don't say anything Dawson," she replied.  "Somewhere in the middle of us…I lost ME."  She cringed.  "I know it sounds cliché, but it's not you, it's me.  Really…"  Her words almost sounded convincing.  Almost.  God, how he wanted to believe every word she ever told him. 

"Jo, please," he begged, catching her by the wrist as she turned to leave.  "Think about this.  Can you really walk away from us?"  He immediately regretted looking into her eyes.  He always got lost in those beautiful brown eyes.  They were so deep that he began to think that he'd never be able to resurface.  He couldn't imagine being without her.  She was his best friend, his confidante, his soul mate.  She was the only person he could ever imagine himself loving.

His eyes searched her face, hoping for a positive response…hoping for something.  How he prayed that she would just take it all back and then everything would be okay.  He would do anything to keep her from ever walking away, all she needed to do was ask…

I think you're already leaving

Feels like your hand is on the door

I thought this place was an empire

But now I'm relaxed – I can't be sure

"Dawson, don't make a scene…and don't make this any harder than it has to be," she said coldly as she pulled her wrist from his grip.  A look of pain washed over her face.  She didn't want to hurt him; she had never wanted to hurt him.  Dawson, the boy down the creek, the love of her life; how could she ever hurt her beloved Dawson?  But she knew that he was hurting.  Every word she spoke was like daggers.

And she wished she could take it back, she wished she could swallow every word, but she couldn't.  She was suffocating; she needed to leave.  If she stayed, she was afraid that everything would become a mess.  Everything was too perfect.  Perfect things never last.  They had been so happy so far, that she was convinced that it wasn't real, and she didn't want to be hurt…or to hurt Dawson…any more than was necessary…

"I have to go," she replied as he watched her head to the window and climb down the ladder, just like she had been doing since they were little kids.

Once her feet hit the ground, her mind raced.  His room had always been a refuge, a place to go when she needed comfort, when she needed a friend.  Now she was running from that place of safety as fast as she could, knowing that if she looked back, she might give in.

And she couldn't allow their lives to get anymore complicated.  She had to walk away before it hurt too much… 

I think you're so mean – I think we should try

I think I could need – this in my life

I think I'm just scared – I think too much

I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

Dawson stayed by the window, watching Joey run away.  It wasn't fair.  It wasn't supposed to be like this, they were meant to be.  He began to feel angry as he thought about how she hadn't given them a fair chance.  He didn't even know what he had done wrong; didn't even know if he had done anything wrong…so why was she running away from him?

She should have given him a chance; he deserved that much. 

Before he realized it, he found himself chasing after her.  He couldn't let her go.  He wouldn't let her go.  Not without a fight.  She needed to know how much he needed her, how much he wanted her in his life.  She needed to know how complete she made him and how lost he would feel without her.

If you're gone – maybe it's time to go home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone – baby you need to come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you

Joey climbed into her boat and began to paddle away.  She felt as though she were suffocating.  Their relationship was changing them too much.  Why couldn't they just go back to being good ole Dawson and Jo, the best friends who could tell each other everything; back to the times when sex didn't complicate everything?

But how could she walk away from this?  Part of her screamed for her to stop, to turn back; while the other half pushed her forward, telling her that she was doing the right thing.  She knew that he was her other half, her soul mate, and everything in her life reminded her of him in one way or another.

But it had to be this way.  Sometimes love just wasn't enough.  She had forgotten all about Joey Potter, and now she had to find her again.

And she couldn't do it with Dawson, as much as she wanted to.

I bet you're hard to get over

I bet the room just won't shine

I bet my hands I can stay here

I bet you need – more than you mind

Dawson caught the end of the rowboat before Joey had time to clear the dock.  "Jo, please don't go."  His eyes searched her face.  "I love you."

"It's not a matter of love, Dawson," her eyes became watery.  "I love you too.  Love isn't the problem…"

"Then what is the problem, Jo?  Why can't we get through it together?"

"I'm the problem, Dawson.  And we just can't."  His fingers loosened on the boat as he plopped down on the dock and claimed defeat.  He didn't understand.  He wouldn't understand.  Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. 

He had just found her, he had just realized that after all this time, she was THE ONE.  And now he was losing her.  He watched her row away, getting up to go inside only once she was gone.

I think you're so mean – I think we should try

I think I could need – this in my life

I think I'm just scared – that I know too much

I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

Why did he have to make things so hard?  It was taking all of her strength to not step out of the boat and collapse in his arms.  She needed him; she wouldn't deny it.  And that scared her.  The idea that she couldn't be completely independent bothered her.  Josephine Potter was supposed to be strong; and after everything life had thrown at her, she was appalled at the idea that maybe she wasn't as strong as she had thought.

If you're gone – maybe it's time to go home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone – baby you need to come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you

Lying on his bed, Dawson stared out the window, waiting, hoping that Joey would change her mind and come back to him.  But in the end, he fell asleep.  Still staring at the window, still waiting, still hoping, still hurting beyond belief.  His dreams were restless, filled with nightmares, and he called out to Joey in his sleep. 

Their lives were too intertwined for her to just walk out and leave him like that….

I think you're so mean – I think we should try

I think I could need – this in my life

I think I'm just scared – I think too much

I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

In the end, Joey felt that she had done the right thing.  She needed to walk away.  For now.  She had no intention of completely giving up on her and Dawson.  But she needed to find herself, needed to make herself a better person.  For her, Josephine Potter.  And for her beloved Dawson Leery.

Joey looked out of her window, gazing up at the North Star.  Don't worry, Dawson, I'll always love you, I've always loved you, and I'll always come back to you…