Dear Alfred
By Kali
Author's forward: This short little piece is inspired by recent events in the bat books, as well as by Dick's unsent letter to Bruce in Gotham Knights #14.
Rated PG to PG-13 for some cursing.
Dear Alfred,
Don't know why I'm writing this letter. I'll never send it to you. I can't. But still, I write and rewrite this letter as if somehow I could possibly put my feelings into words. As if I could elucidate why I said what I said to you.
I guess, what I want to say is... that I'm sorry. I was angry. Angry at the man who shot Jim. Angry at you for not understanding. Angry at myself for failing to protect him, and for not being able to find the words to explain my actions to you.
Truth is... I wanted to kill the man who shot him. Just like I had wanted to end the Joker's miserable existence after he had murdered Jason.
I needed time. I needed time to put that instinct aside. I couldn't capitulate to those emotions. So I put everything on the others. Entrusted them to uncover the truth.
I know that they resented that. Especially Barbara. If Jim had died... I don't think I could have ever forgiven myself for... I don't think that I could have ever looked her in the eyes again.
As far as why did I send her away? I'm not exactly certain. I like to think that perhaps... Perhaps, I just wanted to spare her the pain of watching the life ebb out of her father? The pain that I felt when I watched my parents die. And perhaps, I wanted her to have the opportunity to be key in nailing the bastard responsible? The opportunity I have never had.
I know, I know. I shouldn't transfer my wishes and desires onto someone else. You often did say that I had a control problem. And you were right. Never thought that I would admit that, huh? Well, I've been thinking a lot about my mistakes recently. I've been thinking about so many things.
Things have been happening lately. Things that I really don't understand or can explain. Part of me wants to call you up on the phone and talk to you about it. The other part of me fears that you'll just hang up. Or that you'll just lecture me. Like last time.
The way I've been feeling lately. It's like I've been fighting World War III inside of my mind. I miss you, Dick, and Tim. But, at the same time, I think that perhaps this is for the best.
I want to shut the pain out. To not feel anymore. I feel so dead inside anyway.
I tried. I tried to feel again. Mallory returned and then Vesper. For brief moments in time, I actually felt the cruel tendrils of happiness. Then as quickly as it had come, it disappeared.
Mallory, the sweet young girl that I had shared my first kiss with, had followed in her father's corrupt footsteps. Shades of Talia all over again.
And Vesper... Her leaving had hurt so very much. Seeing her again brought all of that pain back up again. But still, I thought that maybe, just maybe, we could rekindle what we once had. I was a fool. She was using me. She was only interested in investigating the Batman. In investigating me! I had no choice but to dump her. I don't know why she had changed so much. She had always been interested in Batman before, but, never to this extent!
I went to visit Shondra. I spent about two hours with her before I just couldn't bear it anymore, and left. Saying my quick goodbyes and promising to send her lots of presents for her birthday and Christmas. She's going to spend the rest of her life with the mental state of a child. Sometimes I envy her. She's happy in her own little world. Still, it hurts seeing her like that.
Speaking of hurt. I never meant to hurt Tim. I never intended to betray him. I just couldn't think of any other way of contacting him, without having to talk to you. And I couldn't face you after what had happened. I felt like an ashamed little boy who was afraid to look his father in the eye. Because that is what you are to me. Isn't it? We just never say it.
To be honest, I always felt a little weird when you called me "Master". You took care of me after my parents died. Comforted me and taught me. You just can't get that close to a child... Raise a child from such a young age, without parental feelings coming into play. I should know. That's what happened between me and Dick. I told him that I would never attempt to be his father. I couldn't keep that promise to him anymore than you could to me. As it was, I made so many mistakes with him.
Dick. I can only imagine how he's feeling right now about beating the Joker to death. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him about my feelings after Jason died. About my heat of the moment desire to kill the bastard. If it would help him at all or not?
As far as I'm concerned the Joker should rot in hell. The sooner the better. But Dick... Dick should never have had to go through that kind of torment. I saved the Joker more for his sake, than for any code of honor. Selfish, maybe. But, I don't give a damn. Even still, I hate seeing that haunted look in his eyes. Its such a foreign thing, on the face of a boy who used to laugh so much. Sometimes, I wondered how he did it. Sometimes, I resented him for it. For growing up so well adjusted in spite of everything. I wish that I knew how to help him through this. I wish that I knew what to say. I wish that I had the courage to say anything at all.
Ha! Funny isn't it? The cold, calculating, emotionless, user that is the Batman, not knowing what to do. Not having a contingency plan when it comes to his own son. Sometimes... Sometimes I really hate all the facades. All the masks. Lie, upon lie, upon lie. I wish... I wish things could be different. But, it's too late for that.
Well, enough of the self-pity party. I just felt the need to explain if I could. Get it down in writing some of the things that I can never talk about. So I'm writing you this letter that I'll never send as a cathartic means to an end.
What's happening to me... Scares me, but, at the same time, I know it's necessary. Because it's the only way I can survive. Because otherwise, being Batman just isn't enough. Not anymore.
Forgive me.
Bruce
Disclaimer: All characters above belong to DC Comics. This little fan fiction is meant as pure, harmless fun. And as such, no profit is being made from it.