TITLE: Learning Curve

AUTHOR: Blue Shoe 22

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: General for all of Buffy up to 'The Gift' and maybe some for first and second season Angel.

SUMMARY: After his return form Pylea and the news of Buffy's death Gunn witnesses the reactions of those around him and he has to wonder – who is Buffy?

CHAPTER THREE

The Slayer

I hated the bitch.

I know, and I'm sure angel's all broken up about it, which is a shame 'cos he gave me a chance and I owe him for that. Buffy never gave me a fucking chance. Her holier-than-thou 'tude shitted me. It's her fault I'me here in the first place.

Just go away.

Didn't you hear me – PISS OFF!

Dear Guy,

Sorry I pulled that weird shit on you this morning when you came to visit me. My Psychiatrist (I'm a Psycho so I get one of those) says that I lash out at people when I'm hurting. I guess I'm grieving.

When Angel comes to visit we talk about redemption. It's something we have in common, that and Buffy.

Anyway, he told me that redemption, it's not just about saving the world (although if you can do that it's great), it's the small things because it's the small things that make you a person and it's those things that are the hardest to change.

One of those things is forgiveness. I f you can forgive others then you're one step closer to forgiving yourself which is what redemption is all about.

I don't think I ever fully forgave buffy for what she did to me. It was hard 'cos she didn't even know what she was doing. Just being her; being better than me, having a Mom, friends, her pretty pastel sweaters and pink little fingernails, everything about her made me feel like dirt and she didn't know, didn't care enough to figure out what she was doing to me.

So I figured, if I'll never be as good as Buffy, I'll just be bad. I just wanted to be something, make her sit up and take notice. And she did. Took enough notice to stick a knife in my gut and shove me off a three-storey building. It took me 8 months to wake up from that coma, the one she put me in.

Stuff happened, personal stuff that I don't really wanna go into. Waking up and seeing her again – it made me realize how much I hated myself and when we swapped bodies and I saw me from her eyes I wanted to rip my face off, pound it, break it so much that it wouldn't be me. Then I came to L.A. And ended up here.

A couple of months ago it was my birthday. Angel didn't come but I guess he didn't know. I got this parcel. Had B's writing on it. I thought it was booby-trapped or something and it would blow up in my face. It didn't. It was a CD.

She sent me the soundtrack to Bridget Jones's Diary and I couldn't help thinking 'bitch'. She knew I liked heavy stuff, complained about it in training enough. I looked at the song titles; 'Out of Reach', 'Respect', 'Killin' Kind', everything seemed to have a double meaning, whispered things I didn't wanna hear. But I took out the cover and read it anyway, new literature hard to get inside. I saw it. Next to the song 'Someone Like You' it had 'Sorry' and under that 'B'.

Coupla days later Angel rocked up and told me Joyce (B's Mom) had died of a brain tumour a week ago. Her mom had just fucking died and she sent me a birthday present.

I think I must have forgiven her then. I just wish I'd told her because now I can't and forgiveness is important. Even if I do get out of here someday, do some good, I won't be able to forgive myself until I've told her. We're sisters, her and me, under the skin. I felt it when she died and wish it could've been me instead.

F.