DISCLAIMER: I don't own him…
LAMENTS OF A PRISONER
Nobody ever considered my feelings.
Oh, sorry to sound bitter there, but it's true. Ever since I was young, I've been trained to be someone I never really wanted to be. They never even asked me if I wanted to do it. It's always 'you have to be this…you have to be that…no, you can't do that, that's inappropriate…'
If given a chance, I don't think I'd choose this kind of life again. Sure, I got everything growing up. But, I was also left out on a lot of important things. I wanted what other kids have. I wanted a family, a real one. The kind of family who spends time laughing together, with a mother and father who gives you advices when you have problems, supports whatever decision you make and backs you up with it. I wanted someone I can fall back on, someone who'd help me up when I can't stand. Hell, I'd give anything for sibling to fight with. I've always wanted that. I once asked my mom to comb my hair for me, but she said she was busy. I asked my dad to read me a story. Instead, he scolded me for not studying my lessons. I wanted a brother who'll be my friend, but all they do is ignore me, hate me for being the "chosen one." But, I didn't want that. I didn't choose it.
Even my tutors won't pay attention to me. They said they were just there to teach me all I need to know in order to be a good leader, worthy of the position. I asked them if they could just give it to one of my brothers. After all, they were the ones who wanted it. They just laughed and called me a silly boy. No, nothing's silly about that. I didn't want it. Period.
They just don't understand. They never will. Back then I didn't want to spend most of my time in the library, learning lessons. I didn't want to wear clothes "made from the finest silk Konan can offer," I didn't want to eat "the best dishes ever prepared in all of the country." No. I didn't want that.
I wanted to wear dirty, soiled clothes. I wanted to eat foods sold on the streets. I wanted to climb trees, jump over fences, run around without a care in the world. I wanted a childhood. But, did they ask? Did they care? No. Because it was for the good of the country.
That's why I turned to a legend. When I found out that I was one of the special people chosen by a god to protect a girl from another world, it excited me. That would be my refuge. The legendary girl would be the one to take away my loneliness. Love me for me. Maybe, even care enough to listen.
Turned out, I couldn't have that as well. The girl—Miaka—ended up being in love with another. A seishi as well—Tamahome. I bet he had a childhood; maybe that's why she chose him not me.
And then there's Nuriko. He's actually the first real friend I ever had. I'm not really sure how to act around him. He has this inner child in him that I never had. I guess he noticed it. Now, he's taking pains to do everything to see me laugh. "I want you to be happy, Hotohori-sama," he'd always say, violet eyes dancing in the dark.
Them, along with the other seishi is where I found belongingness. They all treated me with respect, but not without regard for my feelings. I was placed on a pedestal, but I was human. I liked that.
---
They're off to Hokkan now to find the jewels. As usual, I'll be the one left behind, prisoner of my own palace. I tried to reason with my advisors, but they won't hear any of it…like they never did. 'Heika-sama, you have to stay and take care of the country…the country can't do without you, Heika…you have to protect your people…it's for the best…' Of course it is. When will I ever learn?
---
I just received news from Chichiri. They've reached Hokkan now. They also know where the shinzaho is. Good. Nuriko sends his laughter…and some snow. I miss him, I miss them all. I really wish I could just come with them and help them. Together, we could all perform our duties as seishi. Bu, no. I have to stay and protect my people, my country.
---
It's been two days since I last heard from any of them. Maybe they already found the shinzaho. I wish nothing wrong's happening to them.
It's cold in here. Where did that come from? Maybe I should—AAHHH! What was that? My…my chest hurts. Nuriko. Could it be? No. NO!!!
Then, memories flooded my head. Slowly at first, then there was nothing but a barrage of figures. I saw all the other seishi. I saw Miaka. I saw Nuriko when she first arrived. I saw him as a child, with two others who look almost like him. I saw them playing, having fun. I saw one of them…a horse…blood…gods…dead. I saw Nuriko in a dress, crying. I saw him with the others, with me. And then, a jumble of images…tamahomemiakatasukitamahomeandmiakamechichirichirikomemitsukakenurikoallofus…me. Along with the image, I could feel certain emotions alien to me.
I'm in his head…
Along with a memory of me, I felt…love. Unconditional, unrequited love.
Slowly, I could feel him slip away. The images faded. At the last moment, I felt a slight brush of something on my cheek. "Goodbye Hotohori-sama. I will always love you…"
His last words undid me. Grasping the table in front of me, I let out a sob. My best friend, my light amidst the darkness that is my life, loved me. Knowing that it's against the rule, that it's inappropriate. But still, he did. Loud sobs wracked my shoulders and I fell on the floor, a heap of red and gold robes.
It was true what they say. Regrets do come at the end.
Now, the only person who actually loved me for me was gone. And like all else, that, too, I can't have.
Didn't really come out the way I planned it to be…anyway…R/R ^^