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A TMR Parody
By Dylan
Okay, this is another pointless parody using ideas from KatieScarlet's 'Mummy Scenes We'd Like to See' and other lists like it. Thanks guys! Disclaimer: I don't own these characters... yadda, yadda, yadda... uh-huh, you get the idea.
The scene opens to a galaxy. Star Wars music begins playing and those flat word things start to appear.
WORDS: A long time ago in a galaxy very, very, very, very, very, very
HILLBILLY VOICE: Aw, nuts! Ma! The words are stuck again!
A loud *thwap* is heard and the next word to appear on the screen is 'far.'
WORDS: far away...
OVERVOICE: Okay, I hate this part. I'm gonna fast forward it.
The words suddenly start to appear and move backwards extremely fast so you can't read them. Those little lines that appear on the screen when you fast-forward something appear.
OVERVOICE: Ah, here we go.
The tape stops and the only words that are big enough to read (even though they are very small) are 'If you can read this you don't need glasses. (Or already have some.)'
HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: What does it say?
OTHER HALF: Cool! I don't need glasses!
Cut to a white limo. The camera zooms in, filling up the entire screen with... limo. It slowly moves forward, Spaceball-style. (For those of you who haven't seen Spaceballs, well, I pity you.) Evil sounding music plays.
MUSIC: Duh-da. Duh-da.
The limo continues to move by extremely slowly.
*15 minutes later.*
MUSIC: Duh-da. Duh-da.
Finally the end of the limo appears. Three guys are pushing the back end of it. They stop.
GUY 1: Do you think we should get in now?
GUY 2: Yeah.
GUY 3: Sure.
They run off the screen to the front of the limo. We hear three doors open and shut, then the sound of a motor starting. The limo lets out a cloud of pollution from it exhaust pipe and quickly leaves the frame.
OVERVOICE: *Cough* *Hack* Okay... what the hell was that?! That didn't have a single thing to do with The Mummy Returns!!!
DYLAN: Oops, sorry. That was the opening scene to Battlefield Parking Lot.
The screen turns to static.
DYLAN: Okay, I think I got it!
We see a pink-and-purple polkadotted llama with two humps standing in a blizzard.
SOME DISCOVERY CHANNEL OVERVOICE: The Twice-Humped Llama is native to Antarctica--
DYLAN: Umm... no.
The screen flickers again. It turns to some Spanish soap opera.
SPANISH LADY: JalapenoburritoTacoBellpesos!
DYLAN: I don't think so...
The screen flickers again. We see the ancient city of Thebes. Two armies approach each other.
DYLAN: THANK YOU!!! You may continue now, Mr. Overvoice.
OVERVOICE: Thank you. A long, long, lime ago, in a galaxy....
RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lime?
SMARTER RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wrong movie, genius!
OVERVOICE: *Clears throat* Okay, five thousand years ago, a great warrior known as the Scorpion Princess led a great army on a campaign to conquer the known world.
THE ROCK: HAKU... HAIKOO.... HAKA.... oh screw this, CHAAAAAAARGE!
No one moves.
SCORIPION PRINCESS: SIMON SAYS, "CHAAAAAARGE!!!!!!"
The two armies run towards each other and a really expensive battle scene starts. We see the Scorpion Princess's sword is made out of cardboard after he flips some guy over his head and it bends.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Yeah! I'm a lean, mean, flippin' machine!
AUDIENCE: Was that a diss?
Cut to after the battle. People are lying on the sand. We note about five are wearing wristwatches and one had a cell phone lying beside him. The Scorpion Princess scowls at the camera and walks away from it.
OVERVOICE: After a vicious campaign that lasted seven long years, the Scorpion Princess and his army were defeated and banished to the sacred desert of O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.
OVERVOICE: One by one they slowly perished under the scorching sun, until only the great princess himself was left alive.
OVERVOICE: Near death, he made a pact with the dark god Anubis, saying that if Anubis would spare his life and let him conquer his enemies; he would give him his autographed copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
OVERVOICE: Anubis accepted his offer and spared his life.
A scorpion crawls out from the sand. The Scorpion Princess picks it up and gets stung a lot.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Ow! Ouch! Yowwie!
He bites off its head and chews, not noticing the long strand of body fluids connecting his mouth with the dead bug.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Mmmm... tastes like chicken!
Suddenly the sand around him bursts into vegetation. He chokes on the scorpion in surprise.
SCORPION PRINCESS: *Gurgle*
A stagehand comes out wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap. He hits the Scorpion Princess on the back and he spits out the scorpion.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Thank you, Billy.
STAGEHAND: You're welcome.
The stagehand exits and the Scorpion Princess stands up and looks around.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Uhh, what was my line again?
STEPHEN SOMMERS: "ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!"
SCORPION PRINCESS: Oh, yeah. ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!
SUBTITLES: The oasis of O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.
OVERVOICE: Anubis gave the Scorpion Princess control of his army, and like an evil flood they washed away all that lay before them.
Cut to Thebes. A bunch of nine-foot-tall jackal-things with weapons invade the city of Thebes and kill everything in sight. We see one stop to relieve itself on an ancient fire hydrant.
BAHA MEN: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?
OVERVOICE: When his task was done, Anubis forced the Scorpion Princess to serve him for all eternity.
The tutu on his waist jiggles. It stops. It jiggles again.
AUDIENCE: Eww...
SCORPION PRINCESS: Why won't it fall off?!
He bangs it on a rock.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Ow...
Anubis laughs. The tutu falls off and the Scorpion Princess gets the soul sucked out of him.
SCORPION PRINCESS: Hey! No fair!
ANUBIS: Too bad! And I'm taking the book!
SCORPION PRINCESS: NOOOOOOO!