Cut to a ruined temple.
SUBTITLES:
Star Trek Voyager, 5490 A.D.
AUDIENCE:
Awww.....
The subtitles change.
SUBTITLES:
Egypt, 1933
AUDIENCE:
YAHOO!!!!
RANDOM AUDIENCE
MEMBER: Do you... Yahoo?
AUDIENCE:
YAHOOOOO-OOOOOOH!
Cut to the inside of
a temple. Brendan Fraser's silhouette is seen behind a net of spider webs. He
stops.
STEPHEN SOMMERS:
What's wrong, Brendan?
BRENDAN:
I'm afraid of spiders.
STEPHEN SOMMERS:
Then improvise!
BRENDAN:
Right.
He holds his torch, which
just appeared out of thin air, close to the webs. They burst into flames,
making a wall of fire. Imhotep's face is seen in it, grinning.
BRENDAN:
AHHHHHHHHH!
STEPHEN SOMMERS:
Arnold! Not yet!
ARNOLD (OFFSTAGE):
Sorry!
The wall of fire is
put out by ten or twenty stagehands, who walk up to it and begin spitting on
it.
Cut to the inside of
the temple. Rick O'Connell is cautiously and very, very slowly walking through
the corridors. A few slugs are seen at his feet. They easily pass him.
Suddenly Rick turns
around and bumps into his son, Alex.
ALEX:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALEX:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALEX:
What were you thinking? A mummy had come back to life?
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALEX:
Uhh, dad?
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALEX:
Dad?
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALEX:
I'll go build a better mousetrap, then.
Alex leaves.
RICK:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
STEPHEN SOMMERS:
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY BRENDAN, SHUT THE @^!%* UP!!!
BRENDAN:
Sorry.
Cut to Evelyn O'Connell,
who is dusting off a chiseled picture on a door. We see the picture is of a
person, probably a pharaoh, sitting on a toilet.
Rick enters.
EVY:
What was all that about?
RICK:
Alex scared the *CRAP* out of me! I swear, the kid gets more and more like you
everyday.
EVY:
You mean he's driving you crazy?
RICK:
No, he's becoming more attractive, sweet, and devilishly charming.
EVY:
Are we checking out our son?!
RICK:
No, we are not. Now what do I do with this door?
EVY:
Open it.
RICK:
Ah.
Rick grabs a crowbar
and tries to knock the door down. After a few tries he steps back, panting.
EVY:
You always make things difficult - don't you?
She walks up to the
door, twists the handle, and opens it.
RICK:
Why didn't you tell me that sooner?
EVY:
I like watching you scrunch up your face and grunt.
Cut to the next room.
People with towels around their waists are sitting on the slabs of rocks lined
on the wall talking to each other. Some pour water on the rocks to create
steam.
Rick and Evy enter,
not acknowledging the sauna-people. The floor is littered with ladybugs,
crawling through skulls.
SAUNA PERSON 1:
Umm, how are we getting steam from this water if these rocks aren't hot?
SAUNA PERSON 2:
Beats me.
They shrug and the
camera zooms back over to Rick and Evy.
EVY:
Ever since I had that dream, this place is all I can think about.
She jumps onto the
floor and steps in between all the ladybugs.
RICK:
And ever since you had that dream I haven't been able to spell 'tofu'
backwards.
Rick steps between
the ladybugs, stops and squeals.
RICK:
Evy! I found one without spots! Come here and look at it Evy! Look at it! Can I
keep it?
EVY:
I've been here before. I know I've been here before.
RICK:
*Pets his ladybug* Evy, nobody's been here for at least 3000 years, 'cept for
these guys.
He motions to the
sauna people, who are chatting between one another.
Evy walks over to a
door, which has a gigantic neon sign above it, proclaiming 'THIS WAY TO THE
TUTU OF ANUBIS.'
EVY:
Then how do I seem to know exactly where I'm going?
Cut to Alex in the
main chamber. He runs over and puts another piece of cheese on a mousetrap,
which snaps and catches his fingers.
ALEX:
AHHHH! HOLY &^%#*!!! THIS %^#& THING GOT MY $^#*$ HAND!!!
He gets it off his
hand, just in time. Three men come in carrying guns. Alex runs up and hides in
the scaffolding. The men begin looking through all the artifacts for something.
One man calls out to
Alex.
RED:
Do you know where the O'Connells went?
ALEX:
Down that passage and to the right.
RED:
Thank you.
ALEX:
You're welcome... no, wait! D'Oh!
The man goes into the passage.