Cut to Jonathan and some blonde prostitute walking down another hall.
JONATHAN: So then I killed the mummy and all his minions and stole his stick-thing.
PROSTITUTE: I don't care.
JONATHAN: Did I mention I'm rich?
PROSTITUTE (DISGUSTED): What do you think I'm doing here?
JONATHAN: *Grins* Me.
The prostitute rolls her eyes as men in red come in looking all scary and stuff.
JONATHAN: Sorry, we must be in the wrong chicken coop.
PROSTITUTE: I thought you said this was your chicken coop!
JONATHAN: I lied.
The prostitute sighs and walks down the hall and disappears forever. The men in red throw Jonathan into a chair.
JONATHAN: You're not Sheila's husband, are you?
CURATOR: Actually, yes, but that's not why I'm here.
JONATHAN: Look, if you work for Jonny I was gonna pay him back on Tuesday.
CURATOR: All right, but no later than Tuesday, you hear?
JONATHAN: Yes, ma'am.
CURATOR: But that *still* isn't the reason why I'm here.
JONATHAN: Great.
They sit in silence for about five minutes.
CURATOR: Well, aren't you going to ask why I'm here?
JONATHAN: Not exactly.
CURATOR: Fine. We are looking for the tutu of Anubeez.
JONATHAN: Oh, good. Good for you. Good thing to have, the ol' tutu of Anubeez.
CURATOR: Where is it?
JONATHAN: Ah, you're looking here for the tutu, I see. Well, I have no idea what you're talking about.
CURATOR: Mr. O'Connell you try my patience.
JONATHAN: Mr. O'Connell? No wait, hold on a minute, you've got the wrong man.
CURATOR: We do?
JONATHAN: Yes, I'm his brother-in-law, Jonathan.
CURATOR: Oh, well. In that case we'll kill you anyway. Where is the tutu?
JONATHAN: How should I know? I've spent the last three days in my room with a prostitute and ten bottles of vodka!
One of the men in red puts a sword to his throat.
JONATHAN: Ah, yes, that tutu, I remember now. I, uh, I lost it in a card game.
CURATOR: I thought you said you didn't know where the tutu is.
JONATHAN: I don't!
The curator notices the gold stick thing Jonathan has. He picks it up.
CURATOR: It can't be!!!
JONATHAN: What can't be?
CURATOR: I don't know, but this gold stick is supposed to be important.
JONATHAN: Well, in that case, can I have it back now?
CURATOR: Sure.
The curator gives the gold stick back to Jonathan just as Meela enters, wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt that she picked up in Hawaii. She is carrying a basket.
JONATHAN: Well, hello.
MEELA: Where's your wife?
CURATOR: This is not Mr. O'Connell.
MEELA: I know. Where's your wife?
JONATHAN: My wife? Oh, you mean Julia...
MEELA: Yes, Julia! That blonde bitch you left me for!!!
Meela breaks down sobbing.
CURATOR: Ah, well, um, shall we proceed in killing you?
JONATHAN: Of course.
MEELA: NO!
JONATHAN: No?
CURATOR: No?
MEELA: I want to kill him!
JONATHAN: Oh.
CURATOR: Oh.
Meela reaches into the basket and takes out a Barney action figure.
JONATHAN: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Rick enters.
RICK: Uh, hel-lo. Uh, Jonathan, I thought I said no more wild parties.
Cut to Alex and Evy. Alex is searching through Evy's pockets for something. We see Alex has untucked his shirt to cover the tutu, which is still pretty obvious considering the huge tire-like bulge around his middle.
ALEX: Mum, I serious. If you've lost that cucumber you're grounded.
EVY: I haven't lost it, I just can't find it! There's a difference!
ALEX: Well, you'd better start finding it then!
Lock-Jaw enters.
LOCK-JAW: Well hello, Clarise.
EVY: What?
LOCK-JAW: Nevermind. Can I have the chest?
EVY: No.
LOCK-JAW: Oh. All right them. Have a nice day.
Lock-Jaw exits.
STEPHEN SOMMERS: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON A MINUTE! ADEWALE!!! GET BACK IN HERE!!!
ADEWALE: Yes?
STEPHEN SOMMERS: You're supposed the take the chest - THEN leave!
ADEWALE: Oops?
STEPHEN SOMMERS: Okay, let's try this again! Start with Evy! "Get out... of my house." Got it?
CAST: GOT IT!
STEPHEN SOMMERS: OKAY ON MY COUNT! 9... 2... 6... 4... 7... ACTION!!!
DYLAN: Who's idea was it to get him a toy microphone for his birthday?
Evy pulls out a sword from a display in the living room. (Why sharp swords would be at reach in a chicken coop with an 8-year-old boy is beyond me. o_O)
EVY: Get... out... of my chicken coop.
A lone chicken trots across the living room. Everyone stops and stares as it exits through the front door.
DYLAN: Umm... okay. That was rather odd... can we get back to the film now?
ALEX: Okay. Whoa Mum, maybe not the best idea...
More men come.
ALEX: Definitely not the best idea. It think it's time to yell for Dad now...
EVY: Your father is a bigger wuss than I am!
LOCK-JAW: Now I will kill you and take it anyway.
ARDETH (OFFSCREEN): PSYCHE!!!
Ardeth enters.
EVY: Ardeth, what are you doing here?
ARDETH: Do you want me to leave?
EVY: No.
ARDETH: Then don't ask questions.
LOCK-JAW: Ardeth Bay.
ARDETH: Lock-Jaw.
Cut back to Rick, Jonathan, and the Hawaiian babe.
PATRICIA: HEY!!!
DYLAN: Sorry, Patricia.
Jonathan continues screaming.
JONATHAN: AHHHHHHHHHH!
RICK: What are you yelling at?
He sees the Barney action figure Meela is holding.
RICK: AHHHHHHHHHH!
JONATHAN: AHHHHHHHHHH!
RICK: AHHHHHHHHH!
JONATHAN: AHHHHHHHHHH!
CURATOR: WAZZZZZZZUP!
MEELA: WASSSSSSABI!
RICK: AHHHHHHHHH!
JONATHAN: AHHHHHHHHHH!
CURATOR: WAZZZZZZZUP!
MEELA: WHAT ARE YOOOOOOOOOU DOING?
Everyone stops and looks at Meela. Meela throws the Barney action figure at Rick. He throws it to the curator, who throws it to Jonathan, who throws it back to Meela. For the next five minutes a silent game of Hot Potato is played.
Rick drops it.
RICK: Crap.
MEELA: Ha ha!
The other men in red begin shooting at Rick, who grabs Jonathan and rolls into the bathroom. Meela and the curator hum the Mission Impossible theme.
MEELA & CURATOR: Dum dum dum da da dum dum dum dum da dum! Dunna duh! Dunna duh! Du-
RICK & JONATHAN: SHUT UP!!!
CURATOR: You hurt my feelings...
RICK & JONATHAN: SORRY!!!
Cut back to Evy and Ardeth.
LOCK-JAW: MOOOOO!!!
A battle scene starts. Evy turns around and does a couple cartwheels, kicking a man in red under the chin. Ardeth pulls out his sword and everyone fights. Alex hides in a corner, forgetting about the chest.
Evy pulls a couple fancy sword moves to knock a few men in red down.
ALEX: Whoa Mom! When did you learn to do that?
EVY: Fencing class, 1923.
ALEX: Oh...
The battle continues. One man backs Evy into a wall. She punches the crap out of him.
EVY: That I learned from you.
ALEX: Go me!
Cut back to Jonathan and Rick in the bathroom. Rick is too busy dodging bullets to notice Jonathan is missing.
AUDIENCE: Hey wait a minute! People can't dodge bullets!
DYLAN: Okay, so they're not as stupid as I thought they were...
AUDIENCE: HEY!!!
Cut back to Ardeth. He's waving his sword around and showing off his skill.
ARDETH: OHHHHHHH..... SKILL!!!!
LOCK-JAW: Not bad, for a MedJai.
ARDETH: ARE YOU DISSING MY SKILL? YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!
Cut to Rick in the bathroom. He kicks the door shut. The guys in red blast the entire bathroom to kingdom come without hitting Rick. (Oddly enough... o_O)
Cut back to the main floor. Ardeth and Lock-Jaw start fighting. Lock-Jaw is beating the crap out of Ardeth as some guy grabs the chest off of the table.
ARDETH: WHAT'S IN THE CHEST?
EVY: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I HAVE IMPLANTS?!?!?!
DYLAN: Dear God...
Some other guy comes and hits Evy on the head too lightly for her to lose consciousness, but she does anyway. The guy picks her up and puts her over his shoulder then runs out.
Lock-Jaw punches Ardeth one last time before running out. All the men in red follow.
Cut to Rick in the holy bathroom.
RICK: JONATHAN!
He looks around. No answer.
RICK: JONATHAN!
Jonathan pops up out of the bathtub, which is filled with bubbles. Rick grabs him by the front of his suit and pulls him out.
RICK: WHAT'D YOU DO THIS TIME?
JONATHAN: I haven't done anything to anybody...
A man in red begins shooting them from the next room.
JONATHAN: Lately.
RICK: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!
Rick starts running towards the window, still holding on to Jonathan. They hit the glass and bounce back.
RICK: What the--?
They try again while the man continues shooting. They bounce back again.
RICK: Damn the person who invented bulletproof glass...
They finally decide on a small window above the toilet. As Rick is climbing up, he knocks down Evy's prized potted fern.
RICK: Oh, crap.
JONATHAN: Old Mum'll have your head for that.
They finally succeed on getting onto the roof. They jump into the bushes as more men shoot them from upstairs.
JONATHAN: NAH-NE-NAH-NE-BOO-BOO!!!
Jonathan sticks his tongue out at the men in red, who begin cursing. Rick and Jonathan run around the chicken coop to the driveway. They see two Ferraris pulling away.
RICK: Hey, I want a Ferrari!
We see Evy out of the back windshield of one of them.
EVY: @&#^$!!!! #&@^#%!!!!!
A hand comes up and puts a white cloth over her head and pulls her back. Cut to Rick.
RICK: SORRY ABOUT THE FERN!!!
EVY: YOU KILLED MY FERN?!?!? #&$^# YOU!!!
The car speeds away and Ardeth and Alex run up to Rick and Jonathan.
ALEX: Dad!
RICK: You okay?
ALEX: Yeah.
RICK: Good. WHAT THE $#*$& WERE YOU THINKING???
ALEX: Ow, my neck...
Rick sees Ardeth. He pulls him by his robes up against some statue in the driveway.
RICK: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?
Ardeth opens his mouth to speak.
RICK: No, scratch that. I don't care. WHO ARE THOSE GUYS AND WHERE ARE THEY TAKING MY WIFE?!?!?
ARDETH: My friend, I haven't the slightest clue, and about now I'm supposed to show you a picture that I don't have, so screw this whole scene.
ALEX: Okay... let's get in the car and go to the British Museum.
RICK: Why would we want to do that?
ALEX: Dad, haven't you read the script?
RICK: Uhh...
ALEX: Oh screw this! Everyone follow me, Dad start talking.
They walk to the other side of the chicken coop.
RICK: Okay. You're here... bad guys are here... Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess.
ARDETH: Okay.
RICK: Okay what?
ARDETH: I'll let you guess.
RICK: Okay. Umm... they're having a big sale at Macy's and need Evy to beat all competition to the check-out aisle?
ARDETH: Uh, no.
RICK: Umm... they need someone to take care of their potted ferns?
ARDETH: No.
RICK: They needed a new librarian?
ARDETH: NO! THEY ONCE AGAIN REMOVED THE CREATURE FROM HIS GRAVE!!!
RICK: Oh.
Jonathan points at Ardeth.
JONATHAN: Isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?
ARDETH: Whoa, no pointing fingers.
JONATHAN: Sorry.
ARDETH: The woman who was with him--
JONATHAN: You mean Meela?
ARDETH: I guess... Well anyways, she knows things no living person could possible know.
RICK: Such as...?
ARDETH: She knew the winning lottery numbers--
RICK: That would explain the Ferraris...
ARDETH: --the meaning of life, the exact number of stars in the sky...
JONATHAN: We get it! We get it!
ARDETH: And now she has the tutu - doesn't she?
ALEX: I wouldn't get too nervous just yet.
He pulls up his shirt, revealing the tutu for Ardeth to see.
Ardeth looks at the tutu.
ALEX: When I stuck it on I saw the pyramid at that place, then WOOSH! Straight across the desert to some other place...
ARDETH: By putting this on you have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse.
ALEX: *Gasp.*
AUDIENCE: Hey wait a second! How can there be a next apocalypse? If there had been one before, they wouldn't know about it!
DYLAN: JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE!!!
ENTIRE CAST: Thank you, Dylan.
RICK: You, get your facts straight. You, big trouble. You, get in the car.
Cut to a shot of the car driving away, swerving and turning horribly.
ALEX: How come you made me drive?
RICK: Wuss.
ARDETH: I wouldn't be talking... Anyway, I'm sorry If I alarmed your son, but you must understand. Once the tutu is on his waist we have only seven days until the Scorpion Princess wakes up.
RICK: We? What we? I never head of any 'we'. Oh, no. Not w--
ARDETH: If he is not killed he will raise the Army of Anubis.
JONATHAN: I take it that's not a good thing.
RICK: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.
ARDETH: Especially since he got new ideas from reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
JONATHAN: Ah, the old 'wipe out the world with characters from J.K. Rowling books' ploy.
ARDETH: Whoever kills the Scorpion Princess can send his army of Blast-Ended Skrewts to the Underworld, or use it to destroy mankind and rule the earth.
RICK: And his regular army?
ARDETH: They got fired.
RICK: Oh. So that's why they dug up Imhotep, 'cuz he's the only guy tough enough to take out the Scorpion Princess.
ARDETH: That is their plan.
ALEX: How do you know all this?
ARDETH: I don't know. Ask Stephen.
Alex turns to the director.
ALEX: Stephen, how does Ardeth know all this?
STEPHEN SOMMERS: I don't know. Ask Dylan.
ALEX: Dylan, how does Ardeth kn--
DYLAN: JUST GO WITH IT!!!
ALEX: Fine.
(Author's note: Yes, I know that Ardeth knows all this because he was in disguise at the dig in Hamunaptra.)
They pull up in the parking lot of the British Museum. It is pouring rain.
RICK: All right Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.
JONATHAN: I can do that!
ALEX: 'Protect the car.'? C'mon Dad! Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid!!!
RICK: I know.
ALEX: DAD!!!
JONATHAN: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me...
RICK: Maybe you should stay here, and watch him.
JONATHAN: Yes, now you're talking!
Cut to the back of the car. Rick pulls out a bunch of weapons. Notice that at this time it has stopped raining completely and the ground is bone-dry. o_O
RICK: You want the shotgun?
ARDETH: No, I prefer the Thompson.
RICK: Well you can't have it! I'm using the Thompson!
ARDETH: But I want it!
RICK: Too bad.
ARDETH: WAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT IT!!!!!!
RICK: OH ALL RIGHT FINE BUT SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
ARDETH: Thank you.
They start messing around with their guns, and Ardeth notices the tattoo on Rick's hand that we haven't talked about before.
ARDETH: If I were to say to you, "I want a Quarter Pounder with cheese, a Diet Coke, and a McFlurry..."
RICK: Then I would say, "Would you like fries with that?" How'd--
ARDETH: Then it's true. You have the sacred mark.
He points to the tattoo of the double arches on Rick's hand.
RICK: What, that? No, that got slapped on me when I was learning to use a cattle prod...
ARDETH: That mark means you're a protector of Happy Meals. A warrior for Ronald. A MedJai.
RICK: Sorry, you've got the wrong moose.
ARDETH: What?
RICK: Man. Wrong man.