Cut to the Egyptian wing of the British Museum. The men in red are chanting.
MEN IN RED: Whatanarseyouare... Whatanarseyouare...
(Author's note: That is actually what they are saying in the real movie. o_O)
Cut to Lock-Jaw, who is leading what seems to be a parade. Behind him are a bunch of men in red, five marching bands, twelve floats, and the Queen of England.
Lock-Jaw and the men in red step aside to let the precession pass. After about five minutes of balloons, streamers, trumpets, and girls named after various states... they get back to business.
A few men in red walk forward, carrying a slab of wood that Evy is tied to.
MAN IN RED 1: Dang, this thing weighs a ton!
EVY: I heard that!
They set her down on a stone table. This fully wakes her up. She notices she is beside another glob of petrified boogers.
We see the curator--
AUDIENCE: EWW!!!
--reading from the Book of the Dead.
EVY: Mr. Hafez.
Cut to Rick and Ardeth inside the museum. They walk forward very slowly with their guns loaded.
We go back to the curator who is still reading from the Book of the Dead, and looking like an idiot.
Cut back to Rick and Ardeth. Suddenly, all the mummies come to life and start shrieking madly.
Cut back to the main room thing and we zoom in on the petrified boogers.
AUDIENCE: *Puke*
We zoom back and wait for Ardeth and Rick to enter the frame. They don't, so we cut back to the inside of the museum to see what happened to them.
Ardeth, Rick, and a bunch of mummies are sitting at a table, drinking tea from porcelain cups and chatting quite nicely.
DYLAN: WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!? TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD?!?
Everyone looks at Dylan.
DYLAN: YOU GUYS - GO BACK TO BEING DEAD, AND YOU TWO, WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU IN THE MAIN CHAMBER-HALL THING!!!
Rick and Ardeth hurry off while the mummies get back in their sarcophaguses.
RICK (WHISPERING): Does she have PMS or something?
DYLAN: SHUT UP I HEARD THAT!!!
RICK: Crap.
We cut back to the main chamber thing and zoom out. Rick and Ardeth enter the frame LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO A LONG TIME AGO!!!
RICK: Jeez, get off it already.
We zoom back in, and get a shot of the men chanting, Evy trying unsuccessfully to undo her handcuffs, and the curator reading from the book, still looking like an idiot.
Suddenly the petrified booger blob breaks apart and a corpse falls out.
CORPSE: Vhere am I? Vhat the-- Vhat's going on?
The curator blinks.
CORPSE: Who are you people? Vhere's my skin? I'm dead, aren't I? Damn zose scarab beetles...
A man in red walks up to the curator and hand him the Book of 101 Lame Mummy Jokes. Everyone else plugs their ears as the curator begins reading from it.
CURATOR: What did one mummy say to another after band practice?
CORPSE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
CURATOR: 'Let's wrap this up.'
CORPSE: MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!
CURATOR: What's a mummy's favorite kind of music?
CORPSE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
CURATOR: Wrap music.
CORPSE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The corpse fall to the ground in a lifeless heap.
STEPHEN SOMMERS: So that's what happened to Beni...
DYLAN: Burn it and bring in the new, uh, specimen.
Beni's mummy is thrown onto a bonfire and two men wearing surgical outfits place the other blob of petrified boogers into the center.
CURATOR: Do I have to start this chanting thing all over again?
DYLAN: No. Just start from 'Yah-tu-way.'
CURATOR: Okay.
The curator hands the Book of 101 Lame Mummy Jokes to a man in red and continues from the Book of the Dead.
CURATOR: Yah-tu-way! Yah-tu-way!!! YAH-TU-WAY!!!
A rotted hand pops out of the amber crud. It stays there for a while. We hear a muffled grunting coming from inside the stuff.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): *Muffled* Uh, little help here?
Five men with sledgehammers go up to the crud and start whacking it. After a couple tries Imhotep is out. We zoom in on his face.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Is there a Starbucks nearby?
CURATOR (SUBTITLED): My Lord, there is one down the street.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Good.
Imhotep takes off. We sit around doing nothing for about five minutes, waiting for his return. Finally he comes back, carrying a cup of coffee.
Suddenly the back door opens and someone wearing high heels comes out. We see that it is Meela. Evy gasps.
Suddenly the background changes into a beach and Meela's black dress is replaced with a bright red swimsuit. She begins to run forward in slow motion.
EVY: Baywatch.
Meela returns to normal and walks up to Imhotep and the curator. Imhotep checks her out.
CURATOR: Please do not feed the animals.
Meela quickly stuffs the cracker she had in her hand for Imhotep into her mouth.
MEELA (SUBTITLED): I mm Amk-su-nabub reimcahna--
She chokes on the cracker. Imhotep laughs as she pukes it on the ground, coughing.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Yup, that's you all right.
MEELA (SUBTITLED): Shut up.
We zoom out to Rick and Ardeth. Rick slaps Ardeth on the back as he prepares to leaves the screen.
ARDETH: Ow!
RICK: Sorry. But you know, a couple of years ago, this would've seemed really strange to me. No, wait. This is strange.
Rick shrugs and leaves the screen.
Cut to Lock-Jaw and the curator. They are about to open the chest that is supposed to be carrying the tutu. They open it. It's empty.
LOCK-JAW: The script writers don't make this easy for us, do they?
CURATOR: Oh, just go and find it.
LOCK-JAW: Ugh. Fine.
Cut to Alex and Jonathan sitting on the car.
ALEX: At the very top of the glass pyramid, there was a huge lump of plastic.
JONATHAN: Huge? How huge?
ALEX: I don't know, but it was one big mound of melted Tupperware...
Cut back to the corpse and the cracker lady.
PATRICIA: HEY!!!
DYLAN: Sorry, Patricia. (But the cracker episode was rather amusing...)
PATRICIA: I heard that!!! So far I've been the 'Hawaiian babe' and now the 'cracker lady'? Why not just call me the 'Hawaiian cracker' for Pete's sake!
DYLAN: All right, fine.
Cut back to the corpse and the Hawaiian cracker.
PATRICIA: *singsong voice* This director is starting to annoy me...
DYLAN: PATRICIA!!!
PATRICIA: Fine!
Meela turns to Imhotep.
MEELA (SUBTITLED): I have a gift for you.
Imhotep gasps with surprise and delight as Meela hands him a red and green package with a gold bow.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Oh, goody, goody!
Imhotep begins tearing away at the wrapping. Finally he is left with a brown box. He opens it. Inside are a pair of neon-pink swim trunks with little cows on them.
IMHOTEP: Oooooooo…
He puts them on his head, like a cartoon character would.
MEELA: Oh God...
And for the next five minutes Meela shows Imhotep the correct way to put on swim trunks. They look very tacky against his rotted flesh, but hey, he likes them!
MEELA (SUBTITLED): I picked them up for you in Hawaii.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Hawaii?
MEELA (SUBTITLED): Nevermind.
Suddenly a man in red comes up to Meela.
MAN IN RED (SUBTITLED): Should we burn her now, Meela?
MEELA (SUBTITLED): Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Burn who?
Meela motions to Evy.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): Oh. All right, then. BONFIRE!!!
Meela takes out a bag of marshmallows as a few men in red come and pick up Evy's wooden slab of a bed. (With her still on it, of course.) They bring it over to the big pit of fire.
EVY: You wait! I'll put you in your grave again!
Imhotep is busy with the marshmallows.
EVY: I said--
MEELA: Burn her.
EVY: Thank you! No, wait.
The men in red start to tip her over into the fire.
EVY: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Suddenly Rick on a skateboard comes flying through the flames. He lands on the wood, which the men now have to drop because of the impact and his weight.
RICK: Hey look! I'm Tony Hawk!
EVY: Shut up and get me off this!
RICK: Ah, right.
He puts Evy over his shoulder and hops outs of the way as Ardeth begins shooting everything in sight from his little spot up in the museum balcony. Or fire escape. Or whatever.
Cut to Alex and Jonathan. They hear the gunshots and start to panic. They try to get into the car.
ALEX: Open it! Open it!
JONATHAN: I'm trying, I'm trying!
DYLAN: You people sound like that guy from that McDonalds commercial who said everything twice.
ALEX & JONATHAN: Sorry! Sorry!
DYLAN: Oh for the love of Egypt!
Cut back to the main chamber hall thing where a big gun fight is happening. Lock-Jaw throws Meela a shotgun.
LOCK-JAW: Here!
MEELA: I'm not shooting this thing; I hate guns!
A bullet almost grazes the side of her head.
MEELA: My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!
(Spaceballs ref.)
Meela begins shooting her shotgun at Ardeth, but she loses balance and begins shooting at the ground. For some odd reason this makes her fly up in the air like in Little Rascals.
MEN: Women.
Dylan, Rachel, and Patricia go and beat the crap out of all the men. Background music is heard.
BACKGROUND MUSIC: Charlie's Angels, C'mon!
Suddenly Drew, Cameron, and Lucy run through a door on the left.
CAMERON: We're on the wrong set, aren't we? I thought I heard our theme music...
Meanwhile Dylan goes over and worships Drew.
DREW: Oh, no. Is this the movie where the cute little birdie dies? I hate that part.
DYLAN: Can I have your autograph?
DREW: Sure.
After multiple autographs are signed, photos are taken, and whatnot, McG runs in.
MCG: Hey, you guys, we need you on the set!
ANGELS: Okay, coming!
(McG is the Charlie's Angels director.)
With one last farewell the Angels leave, which brings us back to our problem. Dylan, Rachel, and Patricia wait around for the men to regain consciousness. Finally, they do.
DYLAN: Okay, everyone grab a gun and start shooting!
The gunfight begins again. Rick takes out a pocketknife and twirls it around a bit, showing off. He drops it.
RICK: Crap.
EVY: Oh just untie me!
Rick takes out another knife and cuts the rope hand and leg cuffs on his wife. He hands her a gun.
Cut back to Jonathan and Alex. They have successfully made it into the car. Now they are trying to get it started.
ALEX: Hurry up!
JONATHAN: Come on, come on, come on!
ALEX: Who are you talking to - the keys?
Jonathan breaks concentration and the key snaps.
JONATHAN: Hey wait a minute! That was made out of steel!
ALEX: WHO CARES WHAT IT WAS MADE OUT OF???? YOU BROKE IT, YOU BROKE IT, YOU BROKE IT!
JONATHAN: I have insurance!
ALEX: OH SHUT UP!!!
JONATHAN: Be quiet Alex! If there's gonna be any hysterics they'll come from me!!!
Cut back to the gun fight. Everyone is pumping everyone else full of lead. Imhotep sees Rick.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): YOU!!!
RICK: Yes, ME!!!
Rick shoots Imhotep with his shotgun. Imhotep, of course, feels nothing whatsoever.
IMHOTEP: HA HA!!!
RICK: I hate this job.
Evy comes out from behind Rick and starts shooting stuff too. One of them shoots the flammable liquid stuff and it explodes. Rick and Evy begin running up the fire escape.