After that useless bit of footage, we cut to an old-fashioned yellow car driving into, what appears to be, and airport. A very crude, sandy airport, if I might add.
EVY: This is the Magic Carpet?
RICK: He'll be fine. He's a professional.
A pair of blue doors open and Izzy comes out.
RICK: Izzy!
IZZY: Aah!
Izzy does a couple of fancy ballet twirls ending with a graceful jetté back into the doors. We hear a bunch of locks clicking.
EVY: Where'd he learn to dance like that?
RICK: I don't know.
EVY: He defiantly remembers you.
RICK: He's a little shy.
Jonathan walks up to them.
RICK: Jonathan, get our bags.
JONATHAN: Oh, my hands are full.
Rick grabs the gold stick thing (the only thing he was carrying) from Jonathan.
RICK: Now!
JONATHAN: Right, I'll get the bags.
RICK: I'll deal with the flight details.
Rick takes out a gun and shoots the one lock we can see. The doors open a crack.
EVY: What happened to all the other locks?
RICK: Beats me.
Rick goes up to the door and kicks it. It doesn't move. He kicks it again.
RICK: Why won't this work?!
Evy goes up to the door, takes the handle, and pulls the door open.
RICK: Oh.
They enter the doors and see Izzy, running away from them.
IZZY: Oh, no, no.
RICK: Izzy, get your fat tub-of-lard ass over here!
IZZY: No, no, no.
EVY: Doesn't look happy to see you.
RICK: Never turned me down yet.
Izzy goes over and takes some papers from under an unconscious mans head, then letting his head drop.
IZZY: Whatever it is, whatever you need, I don't care. Forget it, O'Connell! Every time I hook up with you I get shot! Last time I got shot in the ass! I'm in mourning for my ass!
Izzy walks over to some other place.
IZZY: Remember that bank job in Marrakesh?
EVY: Bank job?
RICK: It's not like it sounds.
IZZY: Uh, it's exactly how it sounds. I'm flying high, hiding in the sun. The white boy here flags me down, so I fly in low for the pickup. The next thing you know, I get shot! I'm lying in the middle of the road with my spleen hanging out and I see him waltzing up with some belly dancer girl.
EVY: Belly dancer girl?
RICK: Actually Miranda was quite good in bed...
EVY: Izzy, I think you and I should talk.
IZZY: Long as I don't get shot.
RICK: Quit your whining. You're gonna get paid this time.
He throws Izzy a stack of money. Izzy looks at it.
We look at Evy, and she looks behind her. There is a man, wrapped in a turban, taking a bubble bath and reading a newspaper.
EVY: Right...
We go back to Izzy's conversation with Rick.
IZZY: O'Connell, have you looked around here any? Huh? What do I need money for? What the hell am I gonna spend it on?
Izzy puts the money in his pocket anyway.
Rick walks up to Izzy and waves the gold stick thing.
RICK: I'll make this short. We are in the middle of the desert, with no communication whatsoever, and Oprah is on in a couple of minutes! You gotta take me home!
Izzy looks at the gold stick.
IZZY: O'Connell, you give me that gold stick there and you can shave my head, wax my legs and use me for a surfboard.
Rick throws Izzy the gold stick.
RICK: Didn't we do that in Tripoli?
Cut to Izzy, Evy, Rick, and Jonathan walking out of the airport fort thing.
IZZY: You're not exactly catching me at my best.
EVY: Oh, I'm sure I am.
A horse whinnies, and we turn to see Ardeth and a bunch of people riding horses who are wearing the exact same things as him.
IZZY: I knew it. I'm gonna get shot.
Ardeth walks up to them.
ARDETH: These are the commanders of the 12 tribes of the MedJai. Horus!
A cute, tiny, adorable, sweet, darling--
RICK: Would you finish already?
DYLAN: Hold on, I'm almost done.
--precious, lovely, priceless--
EVY: Good God, stop already!
HORUS: Oh yeah. I'm cool.
Okay, okay! A falcon flies from one guy on a horse to Ardeth.
JONATHAN: Ah. Pet bird.
ARDETH: My best and most clever friend. He will let the commanders know of our progress so they may... uh... follow us... I guess...
Ardeth says something in another language and does some kind of hand signal. The guys on horses do the same, then turn around and ride off.
Cut to everyone walking to Izzy's umm, air transportation vehicle.
EVY: Rick, are you sure Izzy's reliable?
RICK: Yeah, yeah. He's reliable... ish.
They walk around a stone wall and see an air balloon, except the whole balloon is bright orange. Evy takes out sunglasses and puts them on. Izzy comes running up from the... umm... orange.
IZZY: Isn't she beautiful?
RICK: It's orange.
IZZY: I know.
EVY: Oh dear God.
ARDETH: Why can't you people ever keep your feet on the ground?
RICK: Because this is faster.
ARDETH: Oh.
Cut to the... uh... dirigible taking off. We hear a voice from inside the boat part.
RICK: Aw, crap, I forgot my clean underwear!
EVY: I hope you enjoy sleeping alone.
In the next scene, we get a shot of the orange thing flying past some pyramids and the sun, which turns into the moon as they are flying across it.
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
Cut to the deck of the orange thing.
ARDETH: O'Connell does not want to believe, but he flies like an eagle towards his destiny.
Background music is heard and the entire cast starts singing.
EVERYBODY: Flyyyy like an eeeeeeagle... to the seeeeeea! Flyyyy like an eeeeeeagle let my spirit carrrry meeee I want to flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
HORUS: I'm insulted.
DYLAN: Flyyyy like a faaaaalcon...
HORUS: Much better.
JONATHAN: Okay, tell me some more about this glass pyramid.
ARDETH: Well, it is written that since the time of the Scorpion Princess, no man who has laid eyes upon it has ever returned to tell the tale.
JONATHAN: Where is all this stuff written?
ARDETH: In your local library.
He gives the camera a cheesy grin.
ARDETH: And remember folks, reading helps you learn!
DYLAN: Okay, enough Oded! Sheesh. Who's idea was it to put commercials in this thing?
ODED: Well, they paid me a lot of money.
DYLAN: Can we get back to the film now? Thank you.
Jonathan sticks his hand in a hole in the wood and finds the gold stick thing.
JONATHAN: He-llo.
He pulls it out through the hole and shows it to Ardeth.
JONATHAN: Pretty nice, eh?
ARDETH: That's Izzy's.
JONATHAN: Uhh... no it isn't!
ARDETH: It's Izzy's.
JONATHAN: No, it's mine.
Ardeth sighs and rolls his eyes.
ARDETH: Whatever...
Suddenly Izzy sees Jonathan with the gold stick and grabs it. Jonathan still holds on and they fight for it. Horus flies up and acts as a referee.
HORUS: In this corner... we have.... JONATHAN!!! And the driver of this... orange... thing... IZZY!!! Oh... a low blow by Jonathan with the gold stick thing...
Izzy rips the gold stick out of Jonathan's hands.
IZZY: Keep your hands off it.
HORUS: And the winner... IZZY!!!
JONATHAN: Shut up.
HORUS: What? Your ego can't handle it?
JONATHAN: You want a piece of me?
HORUS: Yeah!
JONATHAN: Let's take this inside!
HORUS: What?
DYLAN: Oh my God, I'm working with a bunch of idiots!
JONATHAN: I resent that.
DYLAN: Just shut up and get back to the movie.
Cut to Evy and Rick on the front of the boat. Rick has his arms wrapped around Evy, and Evy's arms are stretched out straight.
EVY: Jack! I'm flying!
RICK: Well duh, it's a dirigible. And what is it with you and this Jack person?
EVY: Umm, nothing.
Evy blushes.
RICK: Oh dear God. Honey, is there something I should know?
EVY: Leonardo is a fruit.
RICK: What?
EVY: Nevermind.
Cut to the train Imhotep & co. is in moving against the rising sun. We cut to the inside of a boxcar with Alex and Lock-Jaw sitting at a table. The sun has now completely risen after a short period of three seconds.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No.
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No!
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No!!
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: No!!!
LOCK-JAW: Are we there yet?
ALEX: NO!!!
LOCK-JAW: Are we--
Alex takes out a newspaper and whacks Lock-Jaw across the face.
ALEX: Bad dog! No biscuit! Now take me to the bathroom!
Cut to Imhotep's boxcar. Meela opens the door and walks in. She trips over the dehydrated corpse of Spivey and falls flat on her face.
MEELA: AHHHHHHH!!!
Imhotep stares at her and raises his now-fully-regenerated eyebrow.
IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED): We need one of those 'Caution – Watch Your Step' signs.
MEELA: Ow...
Cut to the bathroom. Lock-Jaw pushes Alex inside.
LOCK-JAW: Make it quick.
Alex looks around. The walls are covered with crap. Literally. A bunch of flies buzz around.
AUDIENCE: *Barf*
Alex looks at Lock-Jaw. Lock-Jaw pushes him onto the toilet seat. Alex picks up the 'toilet paper', the Arabic newspaper.
ALEX: Hey, reading material!
LOCK-JAW: NOW!!!
Alex looks at Lock-Jaw again.
ALEX: I can't go when someone's watching.
Lock-Jaw turns around reluctantly.
LOCK-JAW: Damn. I though I was in for a good porn show...
ALEX: I don't trust you. You'll look.
LOCK-JAW: Damn kid knows all my secrets.
Lock-Jaw leaves, grumbling to himself.
Alex checks to make sure Lock-Jaw is gone before trying to pull apart the metal bars. He grunts with the effort.
LOCK-JAW: Holy crap, what's going on in there?
ALEX: Nothing, just... uh... a little... uh... constipated.
LOCK-JAW: Oh. Take your time.
Alex then decides that, if he can't pry open the metal bars, he might as well use the toilet. He flips up the lid and looks inside. There are twelve deceased goldfish and three dead hamsters.
ALEX: Oh my God! Doesn't anyone around here know how to flush a toilet?
He flushes it, and looks inside.
ALEX: Wooooo... it goes around and around and around and around and around and I will pet him and love him and name him George.
Alex notices that the toilet water is being washed into a pipe that is large enough to climb into.
ALEX: Hey, I know! I'll crawl down that pipe and maybe I'll end up in a different boxcar!
He looks at it again.
ALEX: Hell no. No way am I even touching that stuff.
DYLAN: Come on, Freddie.
FREDDIE: No-fricken-way.
DYLAN: We didn't pay you millions of dollars to wimp out!
FREDDIE: And what exactly did you pay millions of dollars to do?
DYLAN: To get covered in other peoples' crap.
FREDDIE: I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract.
DYLAN: Just go, or face the wrath of the almighty script writer.
CAST: All hail the almighty script writer.
FREDDIE: Fine, fine, fine.
Alex takes the toilet and pulls it back, making a big hole in the floor. He then pulls the little 'I-want-to-get-off' cord, and the stupid guy in red driving the train stops it.
We get a shot of the train slowing outside of an ancient ruin. All the men in red on the top of the train stand up for no apparent reason.
Cut to Meela and Imhotep in their boxcar. They are on a bed that had just appeared out of nowhere and having a little... ahem... fun.
DYLAN: Umm... how 'bout we skip this scene?
CAMERA CREW: Hell no!
DYLAN: Sick people. That's it, I'm leaving. I'll just get second unit to do the rest of the film.
CAMERA CREW: Gah! We're coming! We're coming!
Cut to outside the train. Alex is zigzag running towards the ancient city while the men in red attempt to shoot him.
RANDOM PERSON: Run, florist, run!
Suddenly Imhotep's boxcar door opens and he comes out, followed by Meela.
DYLAN: Oh, look who finally decided to show up fully-clothed.
IMHOTEP: Shut up.
Imhotep uses his (Dr. Evil finger wiggle) "power" to lift two men in red who are shooting at Alex, bang them together, and them catapult them into the legs of a statue.
MAN IN RED 1: Ow...
Cut to Alex who is running in the ruins. He stops when he gets to a pool of water as the tutu projects another holographic image.
The holographic image starts at Karnak, then flies over two theme parks, New York City, and the North Pole before it gets to the Temple Island of Philae.
Suddenly Imhotep walks on the water through the holographic image. Halfway through he stops, and falls into the water.
IMHOTEP: Help! I'm drowning!
Suddenly, he realizes the water pool is only three feet deep. He gets out and walks over to Alex, who is cracking up. Imhotep lifts Alex with his (finger wiggle) "powers."
IMHOTEP: Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Cut to Izzy's orange balloon-like thingy. Horus flies up to it and screeches. He lands on Ardeth's arm.
ARDETH: AHHHHHH! CLAWS! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!
Horus turns his beak up and goes to sit by Evy.