Phoney Baloney: A tale of Puppy love.
The gang is stranded in the Free City of Barie, a land where Magic Users must obey the law of the Parsoners. You know once someone said that all you needed for a good story is a happy ending and a bit with a dog… And Yaoi and prostitution and bondage and magic, maybe a few cool anthropomorphs, Police dogs ninjas.… Actually writing a good story is hard. Read this or get wrinkles.
A few days travel away from Hall of Paeno they were not in any mood. Tira swore she was getting a cold from the rain storm. Carrot was sluggish from being dead and all. And Mama was gone. Not a message or a peep from Daughter.
But of all the people in the universe to be cross and disagreeable was Marron Glace.
Oh it wouldn't have been such a big deal. He didn't say Gomen ne as often. He didn't trek back to help the girls down from deep holes. There was that only one time when Marron looked at Gateau and told him to "Shut his mouth."
It couldn't have been Marron. It could have been any other perfectly nice person, but not Marron Glace.
They had stopped for a while. Would Mama ever come and lead them to they're next mission? Or we're they destined to wander the South woods of Spooner until they dropped dead? Maybe they all were a little cross.
Marron compared the map to the sign.
"Barrie, population 1207."
"How did we get in Barrie?" Gateau grabbed the map.
"I don't know." Marron said.
"All right another city, another sorcerer." Carrot said rubbing his hands. "I think it's about time we kicked some ass again. Then we'll have time for girls."
Chocora walloped him with her knapsack.
"Not likely." Marron shook his head. "The People of Barrie have no lord. Only a mayor. They drove out all the Sorcerors, I heard. In the city walls it is forbidden to use any magic."
"I also heard it's a hideously ugly place. The Sorceror's try to blame all it's filth on the Parsoners." Gateau said.
They arrived at the gate. A tiny green sign hung over the gate.
"Please declare all weapons and magical skills."
Marron read the sign "Magical skills."
"Man we never did that before." Tira said.
"We should complain."
"Nonsense." Marron said "We'll just slow down. After all this is a Free City. They might not trust magic users."
"Wow. I wouldn't either come to think of it. Boy, Marron you are so calm all the time." Tira said. "I wish I could have you're cool."
"I just breath deeply. Collect my thoughts and count to ten before I get angry. 1,2,3… There."
The official opened the window, "Next please." In a grating nasal voice.
"Marron Glace, Eastern Mage school of the Soga Clan."
"Certificates?"
"Excuse me?"
"You have certification to practice magic."
"Well yes but- I-"
"All for the record. A signed sealed affidavit by your mentor will suffice."
"Oh right. I have one of those."
Marron took out his certificates. Stamped and sealed by his professors of magic, tucked deep in the depths of his robe.
"I've just never had to-"
The consulate snatched the paper away rudely. Marron walked around.
"Sir your certification under the board of Magic has expired. You will not be able to enter Barie today."
"What?"
"You are Marron Glace. In the Book of the Blessed it says that you were given Certification upon you 13th birthday for your Journeyman Apprenticeship with the Sorcerer Hunters, in care of the Elder of Hordic Village." The man pointed to the signatures. "But as three years have passed your Journeyman licsence has expired. Until you pass the certification of Mage 3rd class it is invalid and we cannot…"
"What are you talking about? I never heard of that."
"In the Eastern Continent the Ministry of Magic is a lot more lax. But we can't have mages doing whatever they want. They'd get uppity just like the sorcerers."
"Look. I apologize, my birthday was only four days ago. How was I supposed to get certified in such a short time?"
"Without the appropriate identification, commendation and certification we can't let you in the city. Magic users-"
"Look, on my honor as a Sorcerer hunter, I will not use my magic to harm anyone."
"Well I need it in writing."
"This is going to take forever." Carrot whined.
Marron counted to ten and smiled "Nii-san why don't you go on ahead, I can handle this. There must be some way I can enter the city. You better find an inn."
"Are you sure Marron?" Chocora said.
"Don't worry about me. I'll-"
Carrot took the wallet out of his hand.
"I'll save you some breakfast." Carrot's voice trailed.
"Tira get back here you empty headed pervert. You're not eating my breakfast."
"My sweet darling. Don't run so fast."
Marron sighed as the Consulate puttered around.
"Wait here Master Glace."
Gateau sat down.
"Well what do you want to do while you're waiting?"
Marron took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"Why don't you go with Carrot and the others, Gateau?" Marron said
"You don't want company?"
"No."
"Are you going…"
"No."
"Well I-"
"No."
"Well then I will leave you, Marron." Gateau rolled his eye. "See you in century. This guy doesn't have a clue."
***
The City of Barie was more posh than any place they had every been. It's a wonder they kept it so safe. The cobblestones were polished. The streets smelled like roses. They saw clean horses and not a horse dropping anywhere. Even the stones seemed polished.
"It's so clean."
"Wow look at that place." Chocora gasped, "On the hill. Seems like a perfect place for romance." Chocora had dirty thought painted on her face.
"The Inn of Barrie." The gate keeper said. "Used to be the grand castle of the old Black Lord. But now his kids run it like an inn."
"Man I wish we had the dough to stay in a place like that." Carrot said. "Even just a night. Those DuBerries are sure lucky."
"Well we better find an inn." Gateau said.
At Carrot's heels yipped a little black dog. He sniffed his crotch then barked at Carrot.
"Hey." Tira said, "Look
"DOG!" Chocora inched back "No no no. Not dog. NO DOG DOG DOG." She hid in Tira's cloaks.
"Look a puppy. KAWAII!!!" Carrot snatched the puppy in the air and tossed it about.
Gateau stared.
"Carrot! Put it down it has fleas and probably bites." Chocora squealed.
"How can you say no? Look at the doggy."
"Carrot you can't have a dog. Remember when we were kids." Tira said.
Carrot could only remember the puppy down the street. But Chocora remember the huge hulking Yellow Wolfhound who treed her for three hours. And the tiny terrier who nipped her in the butt and the dog who stole her back pack.
"Oh yeah Marron is allergic."
"No. Remember Chocora is scared of dogs."
Carrot smiled "Oh can't I just play with it until Marron gets back. It makes me feel like a kid."
"You look sil- AHHH" Chocora hid behind Gateau.
"What's a matter Chocora, don't you want to kiss widdle puppy?"
Chocora actually ran from Carrot this time.
"Good boy." Carrot had a shortbread in his pocket, which he fed the dog.
"I think Carrot may have found a girlfriend that appreciates him for who he is." Gateau said.
"Everyone knows cute animals are babe magnets." Carrot said. Images of babes flocking to pet his dog filled his mind.
The dog bit his ear.
"Ouch." Carrot squealed "You naughty little puppy."
Carrot laughed and continued to carry the dog as the traveled the city.
***
"Okay there is one solution." The Consulate said slamming the book of the Blessed and the law book "With the sign of an elected official and a pledge not to use your magic powers. You could enter the city. It would be an affidavit of anti-magic. You would be able to travel through the city, until said applications and paperwork could be processed."
"I don't know anyone in Barie." Marron said, "Couldn't you sign it?"
"Sorry I'm a tad busy. Besides I need to see my manager."
"Well go get him."
"I can't sir. It's his day off."
"This is…" Marron closed his eyes and counted to ten. "What am I going to do?"
"Pardon me mignon. But it seems you are in a bit of a predicamont."
Marron around and saw a beautiful and haunting woman. Her hair was violet. Marron blinked. Normally Marron did not notice women he met. Normally because they were silly girls and ran away before they even talked to him. This mature woman was his ideal of feminine beauty by far. Confident bright green eyes, strong features, she was a tad curvy in the body for his taste but her face was so enchanting.
"I can't get into the city. My Journeyman licsence expired a few days ago."
The woman smirked "Ah. There is a lot of red tape in our land. But it is for the benefit of the Parsoner class. If paperwork is the price for our Parsoner Brothers to be free, then I will pay it."
Marron only had to look upon the beauty's dazzling white forehead, to see the inverted triangle. "Sorceress."
"Yes. You are a Mage?"
"Yes."
"Oh mignon I am M'mselle DuBerrie."
Marron kissed her offered hand "I am Marron Glace."
"You are new. There are not many magic users who come to our part of the world. Not the ones cursed to bear the shame of coming from here." She had a dark look on her face. "We are bit of outcasts."
"You are a descendent of the Lord Black?" Marron said.
"There is no mage on Earth that does not know my beknighted grandfather's crime. So they avoid us. Even the sorcerer."
"They were embarrassed by his defeat." Marron said, "They did not even need a mage to defeat him."
"A sorcerer's rule should bring prosperity to the people. If they suffer so much that they rebel it proves he is unworthy. The people drove his bloodied body into the warm sea with stones. And even the sharks would not eat his flesh."
Marron placed his hand on her shoulder, "Such a tragic tale."
"The tragedy was his cruelty. I can only pity him."
Marron immediately pitied the beautiful woman. To lose a parent was a great sadness. He should know. How could she pity the Sorcerer as well? She must have the kindness of a goddess.
"It is good to see Magekind return to Barie."
"Oh well. I fear I will waste my time here. Seeing how Barie has no magic, this will probably be a vacation." And seeing as I am a Sorcerer Hunter, of course the sorceress didn't need to know that.
The woman knocked on the window.
"Francois. Let him in by order of the Dog Catcher."
"Oh bless you Madamoiselle." He kissed her hand.
"Now young man, perhaps I could meet you for dinner."
"Well. I thank you. But I couldn't. See I'm on duty."
"Oh nonsense, mignon. What magic do you have to uncover here? Why would Big Mama call here where there is nothing to worry about?"
"Well…"
"You don't think a silly sentimental fool like me could be much trouble to a great mage like yourself? The DuBerries have nothing to fear from the Sorcerer Hunters. We live simple lives free from the ambitions of the outer world."
"Oh you don't seem silly to me."
"I am the Head Dog Catcher in this town." The beauty smiled "I also run the Inn Du Barie. If you need a place to rest your head."
"The Castle on the hill? Oh." She must be very wealthy and powerful still despite her dishonored status. His heart reached out to her.
"Meet me for dinner at my inn."
"Well I don't know. All alone. What would be said of your reputation?"
"That I had met a charming boy who captivated my attention. We must speak magic and the world. I have always wanted to meet a great Sorcerer Hunter. Unless you curse my kind for our great sins.."
"Well I don't know. I would have to check with my friends."
"I will see you…" She took out her schedule book "Not tonight. There is too much to be done before then… Ah Tommorow then. Could your friends bear your absence then?"
"Alright then. I would be honored My lady."
"Call me Boisenne."
The lady entered her carriage. "Au revoir Marron Glace."
She blew a kiss as her carriage drove away.
"How did she know about Mama and the Sorcerer Hunters?"
****
The DuBerries sat waiting counting the Parsonners and judging them.
"There are two really cute red heads." The round little man looked through his binoculars, "On of them looks like a lady of the night."
"No. We already have red heads. We need something exotique." A beautiful girl with one long braid past her buttocks. The two wore jumpsuits with their names on them, both orange.
The carriage approached. The two Dog catchers snapped to attention.
"I have the perfect subject for our experiment. He is a very beautiful young mage from the East."
"A man?" the two dog catchers looked at each other
"And what a man." Boisseau Le Feu said, "Fetch."
The round little man shook his head, "Are you sure this will get us more customers? Our inn is the toast of Barie."
Bistro, the girl tossed her peach hair "Ah Pamplemouse, mon frer, Ze customers are bored. We need some new blood, some excitement." Bistro smacked him over the head.
Boisseau smiled "He is worth it."
"Ma soeur you are blushing. He must be pretty."
"Yes. I believe that Providence has chosen well for us." Boisseau le Feu smiled, "Make sure he is chosen for the contest. You will know him by sight."
****
Carrot walked through, followed by Chocora ready to glomp him. Tira was close behind and stared at the strange couple.
A complete babe stood with a Bull horn. She had a long peach colored braid, and wore a workman's button shirt with the name Bistro written on it.
"Fwahhhh." Carrot melted.
"
"Hey Miss Bistro would you go on a date with me."
The woman growled grabbed him by the neck and tossed him into a wall.
"Step through ze mes cheres mignon." The lady smiled. "Win the big prize from the Department of Dog Catching."
"Sexy accent." Gateau said he almost walked into the wall.
"I am Bistro DuBerrie. Assistant to Mad'mselle Dog Catcher. This year we are giving away a very Big prize."
"Big Prize." Chocora gasped "What fun!" The girl gentle toppled Tira off her feet in buoyant enthusiasm "Me me me. Me First!"
She ran through the gate joyously, "No no no. Mad'mselle" The Peach haired woman shook her head, "Sorry maybe next time."
"Ohh. Stupid rigged contest."
"You are next my pretty madamoiselle." The round man said to Tira. "I am Pampelmousse DuBerrie Assistant to the Assistant of Mad'mselle Dog Catcher."
"Oh well. Hello."
The old man sighed.
Marron was running to catch up.
"Nii-san, Gateau. Girls" He waved frantically.
"Marron."
"I thought I'd never get out of that office. This beautiful sorceress helped me. She was the-"
"Marron come on." Carrot said, "You've been goofing off all morning. Pretending to pick up a girl. Just so I won't hassle you."
"Get a door knob, Marron." Chocora said, "No one is buying it."
"What does that mean? You think I was goofing off?" Marron was counting again. "I ran from the city gates looking for you. I didn't mean for you to abandon me. I had to ask everyone. " Marron caught his breath. "All I had to mention was two crazy redheads and spiky haired hentai" He muttered.
"Yes well, we are looking for a place to stay."
"Look Marron, we can't wait for you all day now-" Carrot said.
Tira walked through the gate.
"Oh no. You lose. Now next."
Tira shook her head "Has anybody ever won this?"
"Oh too. Quel Dommage. You next sir."
"Pampelmousse it is him."
"Look hurry up. We saved you some buns.
"1,2,3,4,5,6" Marron counted softly to himself and walked through. Not realizing what he was passing.
"7, 8… 9…"
Then all of a sudden the sky exploded in confetti.
Marron dropped the bag of buns, at the sound of loud music.
"Welcome to Barrie!" The woman grabbed him and kissed him on both cheeks.
"Um." Marron was stunned to silence.
"Hello." The man kissed him on one cheek.
Marron gulped fearfully as the two did a circle dance around him.
"I am Bistro DuBerrie."
"I am Pamplemousse DuBerrie."
"Welcome. What do they call you, my pretty bishounen."
"Marron, Marron Glacé." Marron said excitedly. Did he just say that with a Barisian accent?
"Because you are our one thousandth Parsonner to pass zee lucky gate you stay for free at the Inn Du Berrie."
Bistro placed a paper crown on his head and they danced around him frenetically.
Tira and Carrot gasped. Chocora stomped the ground in defeat.
"I never won anything in my life. Wow." The mage smiled. Maybe this day would be all right after all.
Gateau chuckled "That paper crown is stupid."
"Don't listen, he's just jealous." Tira said. "Congradulations."
"All expenses paid of course." Pamplemousse smiled.
"That's not fair." Chocora grumbled, "I wanted to win."
"You're right. That is luck for you."
"Oh well thank, but I'm with a group of people." Marron said "Oh wow. That's- I don't know."
"Oh young man. We love for you to come stay at our inn. The best of Barrie."
"Madamoiselle Boisenne."
"Again we meet Monsieur Glace." She shoved Carrot out of the way. "It seems fate has crossed our paths. I did not know you would come tonight."
"You know this woman?" Tira asked.
"Oh how adorable Marron has a-" Chocora got a swift jab in the stomach by an unknown but most likely mage-like origin.
"Hey not bad she's a little old but
well…" Carrot stroked his chin philosophically.
Marron rolled his eyes, "I didn't think you were growing a beard." Carrot said.
"Well I better just stay with my brother at our inn."
"Yeah. Or you could let me in the good room." Carrot said.
"Carrot." Marron scolded "Sorry. But maybe someone else will come by."
"Certainly not someone who deserves it more and would be more welcome in our inn." Boisenne smiled so warmly.
"Please stay in our inn Monsieur Glace." Bistro Du Berry clutched on his robe.
Carrot tried to worm his way in.Bistro punched him in the face.
He clutched his eyes and realized he should just use higher numbers. Counting to ten was insufficient.
Carrot stared at his brother.
"He might be a total weirdo. But He never does anything nice for himself. Maybe I should just lay off." Carrot whispered.
"Yeah. Poor guy is about to pop." Chocora said, "I think he should go off with Mistress Boisenne."
"We should stay together." Tira said, "It usually causes trouble when we split up.
Gateau leaned over to Chocora.
"Besides with Marron at the Inn, Carrot can't interrupt us with his nonsense."
Gateau remembered that night at the tavern.
"Well Marron."Haven't you had enough?"
Marron pulled his head from the bar. "I'll tell you when I had enough. Have… are there peanuts?" Marron put the peanut bowl on his head.
"Marron you're making a scene." Gateau sighed. Marron thought something hilarious and chuckled. Of course he didn't share what exactly.
The raven haired beauty slumped in his arms. "Yeah Gateau." He lifted his new bowl hat to get a good look at his companion. "Maybe it's the shrimp cocktail talking but you can be so damn cute. Gateau."
"Shrimp cocktail isn't even alcoholic." Gateau said.
"Hmmmm." Marron nuzzled his neck "Gateau means Kitty Cat. Gatto-meow meow." Marron crawled in his lap.
Gatteau purred at that.
Then all of a sudden Carrot appeared
"Nii-san." Marron smiled. He crawled out of Gateau's lap and hung upside down.
"You big pervert! How dare you take advantage of Imouto when he's drunk?"
"I'm not drunk. I had 4 shrimp cocktails." Marron held up three fingers.
"Get out." Carrot said
"I didn't do anything." Gateau said.
"Bye Bye Gatto! Bye Bye." Marron waved.
Chocora scratched her chin
"Surely they'll be privacy in Carrot's room, for once, without Marron there…"
Chocora wandered into Carrot's room. The moonlight dappled his bronze skin, parts of his sleek chest peeking through the yukata.
"Chocora."Carrot blinked.
"Darling?"
Carrot blinked "Nothing."
"Oh Carrot this night is so perfect."
"Yeah well." Carrot shrugged still looking at her.
"Chocora… You ever…"
"Yes my darling."
There eyes locked for a long time.
When Marron wandered into the room.
"Noi Nii-san… You're turn to use the water closet."
Marron wandered in his pajammies, holding a plush panda. His toothstick in his mouth.
"Okay Okay. Imouto."Carrot grumbled. Carrot lept into the bathroom"Christ Marron, what did you eat?"
And no one said a Glace could snore so loud. Marron could wake the dead with log sawing thick disgusting snore.
"He snores like my momma too. I miss my momma."
Chocora shivered.
"Yeah sneak in and…" Gateau and Chocora linked fingers.
"Surprise him." Chocora spun. Gateau tipped her dramatically and they began to tango. Gateau dipped her
"You perverts." Tira said.
Marron shook his head "You realize I heard every word you said you two."
As the two danced, Carrot's little dog friend began barking at something. It was two girls in skimpy red vinyl started pawing on Carrot.
"Hey hot shot. Wanna go play fetch?" The girl rubbed against his head.
"Um." Carrot drooled.
The dog growled and spat, going absolutely insane trying to bite the girls.
"Hey cut it out. Those girls are just trying to be friendly, dog. Come on."
It only alerted Tira to Carrot's activities. She smacked the boy. Then turned her rage on the others.
"If only the cops could get rid of the undesirables." Tira said, "Go away get a real job."
"Yeah get a real haircut." The courtesans barked with raucous laughter.
"Wow. Those were courtesans?" Carrot said "How could you tell?"
"Are you stupid?" Tira asked.
Marron patted his shoulder "Nii-san a bit of advice. If a girl all of a sudden has a desire to jiggle her boobs in your face, something is wrong."
"But what about…" Carrot began
"No not usually." Marron said.
"But then."
"Very very very extremely rare. In nearly astronomical circumstances."
"Shoot." Carrot sighed. "I guess if it's too good to be true."
Tira grabbed the little dog "What a good doggie! You'll keep Carrot safe won't you?"
"Normal people maintain a comfortable distance from others." Marron continued his lecture, "There is such a thing as personal space."
Gateau bumped into Marron.
"Exhibit A." Marron said gently trying to pry off Gateau. Marron grred, "Gateau please."
"You could use a hug."
"Gateau."
"You are adorable."
Carrot's little dog began barking again. He was biting the ankle of another courtesan,
The second Marron had turned around Carrot was in the arms of another courtesan.
"Carrot what did I tell you before?"
"No way Darling!" Chocora shouted.
"Her? No way, you are not a courtesan." Carrot asked
"You're pretty stupid." The Courtesan laughed. "He for real? That dog is smarter."
"Sorry we don't associate with hookers." Carrot said, dropping her. He ran across the street. The little dog scampered angrily towards the next girl. "Hey baby. You fine. Are you a hooker?"
Carrot got smacked then back slapped by Chocora
Tira buried her head "That idiot is either going to be beaten to death or he's going to end up with a hooker."
"Marron come on stop squirming."
"Dog."
"Darling."
"Marron…" Gateau smiled.
Marron began to hyperventilate
The dog yipped 1,2,3
Chocora slapped Carrot
4 5 6 who irregardless kept running towards the girls.
All the while Gateau inched even closer. 7 8
"YAP!"
"WILL SOMEONE SHUT THAT LITTLE DOG BEFORE I KILL IT?!!"
They stared.
"Huh?"
"Mo."
Gateau was hiding behind Carrot. The Dog whimpered.
"I'm sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to yell." Marron was so embarrassed.
"You don't look… alright." Carrot said.
Marron gritted his teeth.
"Why don't you go off with nice Mistress Boisenne?" Carrot said, inching towards his brother. He touched his shoulder.
"Don't TOUCH." Marron flinched.
"Calm down Marron."
"You know what. I think I will take you up on that offer of a free room." Marron said. It can't be any worse than this.
"Are you sure you won't be… I mean do you." Carrot said.
"Yes I'll be fine Nii-san." Marron said "I just need some time alone."
Carrot sighed 'Why didn't you say so? Go on. We'll be fine."
"If we really need you we'll contact you." Tira said.
"I'll see you at breakfast." Chocora said.
Marron took his equipment and walked towards the inn alone.
At last now without his brother around he could breath.