'Oh no, Canada!' by Humillimus

The first work sponsored by Fun-Fun-Silly-Willy World Domination Studios by Humillimus, this is a crossover betwixt Danger Mouse and Pinky and the Brain. As you folks aught to know by now, I have rights to neither. I give you all a big raspberry! Nyaa!

http://www.dangermouse.org

A small, yellow car pulled to a halt on a quiet American street corner. One may not even notice it due to its miniscule size. Two rodents stepped out from the car and started towards a local diner, undoubtedly in search of food.

'It was really a good idea to visit the United States on holiday,' said the hamster to his companion, 'I was tired of being cramped into that pillar box.'

'Penfold,' said Danger Mouse, 'we are here because Baron Greenback is rumoured to be afoot here in D. C.'

'Oh, is he on holiday too? How nice. Perhaps we'll meet him, and we can take supper together.'

'We are not on holiday and neither is he,' retorted the mouse, 'he probably has some vile scheme planned, and we've got to stop him.'

Penfold replied, 'Well it's not very nice. He's gone and spoilt our trip. We won't let him dine with us now, eh Chief.'

'Right, Penfold,' said the sighing Danger Mouse.

The two merrily continued on their way to the diner. Meanwhile across the street in Acme Labs there were to mice locked in a cage. As the last doctor made his way towards the door, the shorter of the two reached out and pilfered a pen cap from the man's coat pocket.

'What're we gonna do tonight, Brain?' asked the taller, more jovial mouse as the doctor locked the door behind him.

'The same thing we do every night, Pinky: Try to take over the world!' said Brain maniacally, 'But first we must come up with a plan.' He started pacing the floor, pen cap in hand, exercising his grey matter. Then he suddenly stopped when he reached one side and looked out the window. Noticing the yellow car and the two wandering rodents below, he said, 'Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?'

'I think so, Brain,' said the cute but no so bright mouse, 'but what if the cat-boys refuse to wear socks on their heads?'

Brain's face quivered, and he said, 'I don't know what you put into that small cranium of yours to spawn such bizarre ideas.'

'Oh, just anti-matter from boxes sent in the mail.'

The exasperated Brain decided not to respond to this. Instead he opened the cage door by prying open the latch with the pen cap. 'Come, Pinky!' he said as he led him down from the table and across the floor to the door of the lab. He climbed up the side of the door and took a key hanging from a hook. After returning to the floor, they went outside, and he said, 'Had you been watching the goings on outside, you would realize that the car belongs to an international hero named Danger Mouse. We can stea—borrow his car and then convince the American masses that we are Danger Mouse and Ernest Penfold. Then we shall "save" the world from immanent destruction. At this point we can use our influence as worshipped heroes to take over America, and thus also the world.'

'But what if they realize that we really aren't D. M. and Penfold?'

'The unwitting American public are flighty and liable to believe anything for a short while. We'll just have to act quickly before they wise up or the Brits tell them otherwise.'

Once outside, Pinky started for the left side of the car. 'Pinky!' shouted Brain, 'Let me have that seat. I'll drive.'

'But Brain!' Pinky protested.

'You take the other seat!'

'All right, Brain,' he answered as he entered the right side of the car.

Brain sat down and realized that he was in the passenger's side. Hiding his embarrassment he commanded, 'Pinky, get out of the car and let me have that seat.'

'Right, Brain,' said Pinky as he rolled his eyes.

Brain, finally having gotten into the driver's seat, managed to hot-wire the car. He drove it to the back of the laboratory where there was a garage. He stopped in front of the garage door, turned off the motor, and put it into neutral. Scaling the garage door, he said to Pinky, 'I'm going to open the door, and you push the vehicle inside. It'll be safe here.' A thought occurred to him, and he continued, 'but first check the trunk and see if there's anything useful.'

'Right, Brain,' answered the mouse. Opening the boot, he said, 'There's nothing here but some clothes and—Naaaarf!—some sort of hero's costume.'

'Perfect,' answered Brain, 'take that out. Now we have materials for our D. M. cosplay.' He inserted the key into the lock of the garage and turned it. The door opened slightly, and Brain said, 'Now push the car inside. Hurry!' Pinky exerted his mousy might and successfully executed the task. As he withdrew Brain closed the door and then scurried to the ground.

Back inside the lab, Brain paced whilst Pinky turned on the television. In one corner of the cage were the costumes: Penfold's suit and Danger Mouse's outfit that consisted of a shirt bearing the D. M. logo, trousers—both of which were the same colour as the mouse's fur—a belt and an eye patch. Brain began, 'Now we have the car and the costumes. Unfortunately, I'm afraid you'll have to be Danger Mouse, and I'll be Penfold. I don't believe I'll fit in D. M.'s apparel, and I know the suit will be much too short for you. No matter! I must think of a plan. To make the people believe we've saved the world, we must first create a calamity. '

'Brain, look at this!'

'Not now, Pinky. Can't you see I'm thinking? We need to make them believe that something is threatening the world so that we can prevent it. This will win the affection of the populous.'

'But Brain, it's happening now!'

'What?!' exclaimed Brain, swivelling his head to see the telly.

'…and if you fail to grant me dictatorial power over your government,' concluded Baron Greenback, Nero the caterpillar on his shoulder, 'Then I shall return my G. B. nuclear-powered nuclear missile from orbit onto your beloved city, and Washington will be no more! Hehehe.'

'And we're not hiding in London, Ontario, right Barone!' added Stiletto.

'Quiet, dolt!' said the toad as he struck the crow on the head with a cane. The screen turned to fuzz, and Brain turned off the set.

'Yes!! That's it!' exclaimed Brain, 'That squashed frog has done the deed for us. Now to stop him! Quickly, put on the D. M. suit and we shall go straight to Canada. We shall hinder the Baron, and the United States will bow to us.'

'Why are we going to Canada, Brain?'

'Because they're in London, of course.'

'But Brain, he said they weren't in London. They couldn't possibly be there.'

Brain smacked Pinky and said, 'Never mind. Just put on your clothes and we'll be off!'

The television in the diner had been playing the same bit of news. 'So he's not in D. C. after all,' said Penfold.

'Of course not,' said Danger Mouse, 'if he plans to threaten D. C. with a nuclear weapon, he'd not be very smart to remain here. Off to the car!'

'Right, Chief,' said the hamster. As they walked he said, 'But the question is, if he's not in Washington, then where is he?'

'In London of course,' replied Danger Mouse curtly.

'What, back in England? So we came all they way here not only to have our holiday ruined, but also to return home straight away?'

'No, Penfold,' answered the mouse slowly, 'They're in London, Ontario, and that's where we're going.'

'But Chief, Stiletto said—Oh wait, I see what you mean.' As they stepped outside, Penfold pointed down the street and exclaimed, 'Crumbs, Chief! Our car is gone!'

'Obviously, Penfold. Otherwise it would be there, now wouldn't it? We'll have to find it quickly or take some other mode of transportation. We've not a moment to lose.' At the same time they saw their car flying from behind the laboratory. A mouse dressed as D. M. sat in the passenger's seat, and another mouse wearing Penfold's suit was piloting.

'I say!' declared the real Penfold, 'They're driving a car just like yours! And it flies, too. I thought yours was the only one like it.'

'It is the only one like it, Penfold,' answered D. M., 'and it is ours. Alas, we'll have to reclaim it later. In the meantime, let us hasten to the airport. Certainly we can find a flight from there.'

'Right, Chief.' Penfold looked again and said, 'Say, those two are familiar. Remember that old American television programme—what was it called?'

Danger Mouse replied, 'You're right! They're the spitting image of Big Ears and Noodle Noggin! Those two caused my mother lots of grief and expensive therapy bills when they cut the show. Now they've come here to haunt us again. Although I must admit that their taste in clothes is rather nice.'

The real Danger Mouse and Ernest Penfold had to deal with the troubles of getting to the airport, finding a flight, and waiting for the aeroplane finally to take off. Whilst the two were still en route, Pinky and the Brain had arrived safely in London. 'Now to find Baron Greenback's lair,' began Brain, 'Unfortunately we have no clues. Still, because that dim-witted crow tipped us off, we know we are at least in the right city. Now, where to begin...'

Meanwhile Baron Greenback sat at his desk with a monitor in front of him, and Nero sat on the desk. As Danger Mouse's car came into view, he said, 'So Danger Mouse has come to play, has he? He has more to contend with than he bargained for, eh Nero?'

'Ooooaaaaghhh-gh-gh!'

The toad tapped a key on his keyboard, and the road opened up directly in front of the vehicle. After driving into the breach, the hole closed itself. The mice found themselves in a very, dark underground cavern. 'Egad, Brain!' declared Pinky, 'It's like the Baron thought we were the real Danger Mouse and set up a trap. Either that or the sun just sets earlier in Canada.'

'Yes, Pinky, that was probably it,' replied Brain, 'In Canada the sun sets at noon.'

'Narf! That's incredible!'

'Sarcasm is wasted on you, Pinky. Now hopefully we can hide somewhere before we're found. May be we can actually find a way out of here, and then we can stop the Baron.'

'Too late for that!' shouted Baron Greenback as Leatherhead the crow turned on the floodlights, 'I see that you are not Danger Mouse. No matter, I have a place for you in my gaol. You won't escape, and if the real Danger Mouse comes, I don't think he'll escape either. Stiletto! Lock them away and stand guard. Leatherhead, be on the lookout for Danger Mouse. We have something special planned for him. Because he's lost his car, Stopping him will be all the easier.'

'Sie, Barone!' said Stiletto.

'Aye, all right,' said Leatherhead.

'Ooouagh-gh!' said Nero.

Pinky and Brain submissively went along with Stiletto towards their prison. However, once Stiletto had locked the door, Brain set to work.

'Gee, Brain,' said Pinky, 'How're we gonna get out of this place?'

'If I were to tell you, then that blackbird would try to stop us. But then, he probably wouldn't even believe it if I said that I had already opened the lock.'

'Eh, what's that?' demanded Stiletto as he stood up in front of the door, 'Here, you better not have opened it!'

Brain swung the door open and knocked the crow to the ground. As the two mice ran off, the dazed Stiletto attempted to clamber to his feet, but he then fell back again unconscious. Baron Greenback was not idle. Watching his monitor, he witnessed the escape. 'Not bad, not bad,' he said, 'I'm not really surprised. If they can manage to steal Danger Mouse's car, they should be able to outwit Stiletto easily.'

'Heeerrragh!' responded Nero.

'Ah, but can they outwit me?'

'Oooouaagh-gh-agh!'

The Baron started pressing different buttons and monitoring the mice's progress, or lack thereof.

'Watch out, Pinky!' shouted Brain as he pulled him out of the way of a swinging weight, 'Hold it!' as a tile in the floor in front of them opened up, and then 'Look out!' as he pulled Pinky out of the way of a spinning saw blade. 'It seems that this Baron Greenback is a diabolical fiend who enjoys using cliché-ish tricks. His traps are deadly but elementary and can be simply avoided by a sharp mind.'

'"Cliché-ish!" "Elementary!"' bellowed Baron Greenback, 'Impertinence! I'll deal with them myself, face-to-face. We'll see whose mind is the sharpest here.'

In the meantime Danger Mouse and Penfold, who had finally reached London, were making their way to the centre of the city. Leatherhead spotted them at a distance using a telescope. He overtook them and actually managed to overpower them. In fact Danger Mouse let Leatherhead beat them, because he was their only connection to Baron Greenback, and he knew that by allowing Leatherhead to take them, he was actually leading them right to where they wanted to go.

Leatherhead led Danger Mouse and Penfold into Baron Greenback's hidden base. Just as they were brought to the door, D. M. broke loose from Leatherhead's grip and wrenched his wings behind him. Tossing him back outside, he shouted, 'Now, Penfold!' Ernest slammed the door and locked it. 'Come on, Penfold! He probably has a latchkey, but this will gain us some time.'

'Right, chief,' he answered as the two ran off into the corridor. They hurriedly checked behind doors until they reached the Baron's command centre.

Entering, Danger Mouse said, 'Now that's odd. Nobody is here. I suppose they heard us coming and ran away, eh Penfold. Penfold, mind the door. This seems entirely too easy. I smell a trap.'

'Right, chief.'

Danger Mouse tapped on the keys and managed to locate the missile's programme. 'Blast!' he exclaimed, 'there's a password. Of course there would be. I wonder where the Baron is. You'd think they'd spring the trap on us or something.'

'Here, I wonder,' began Penfold, as he walked towards the computer.

'Watch it, Penfold! You're supposed to be watching the door. The bumbling Penfold tripped and knocked his poor tender head on the console, damaging the machine. An alarm sounded throughout the complex.

'Now you've done it,' said Danger Mouse. Watching the monitor, he realized Penfold's accident set the missile hurtling into outer space and away from earth's orbit. 'Well, then, Penfold. Good job. Now let's finish destroying this contraption so he won't be able to repair it and recover the missile.' The two rodents started bashing and banging on the console until the hardware was decimated. 'Well that takes care of that,' said Danger Mouse, 'but we've got to get out of here before they take us.' Before he finished his sentence, they had already darted out the door and down the hallway.

Meanwhile on the other side of the complex Pinky and the Brain were on their way to the command centre. Brain remarked on strange quietness of the place. 'The traps are no longer going off, Pinky. Either they no longer think us worth their while, or they have something bigger planned.' As he finished his statement, they heard the alarm sound.

'Now we've gone and done it, Brain,' said Pinky, 'They'll be upon us soon enough.'

'That's the most intelligent thing you've said all day, Pinky. I must admit I'm slightly impressed. Now let's jet.'

Baron Greenback, who was on the way to meet Brain, swiftly turned around and ran back to the control centre. 'My command room!' he exclaimed, 'My missile! What has that Leatherhead been doing? That incompetent fool!'

Leatherhead, who had returned to the inside of the compound, perused the fleeing Danger Mouse and Penfold. Running down the corridor, they crossed Baron Greenback on his way back. 'Barone!' declared Leatherhead as he stopped in front of the Baron.

'Don't stop. Stop them!' the toad shouted as he joined Leatherhead in the chase, turning around once again.

Speeding ahead, the rodents suddenly collided with something and fell backwards. Looking up, Danger mouse exclaimed, 'Noodle Noggin and Big Ears! You're the ones who stole our car.' Getting up, he commanded, 'Never mind. Just take us to the car. We've got to get out of here.'

'We're not really Noodle Noggin and Big Ears,' began Brain, 'We are actually two laboratory mice bent on—'

'Narf!' exclaimed Pinky, 'It's the real Danger Mouse! A pleasure, really it is!

'Never mind that,' responded Danger Mouse, 'Baron Greenback is after us. Take us to the car immediately so we can escape. They'll kill us when they found out that we've neutralized their missile.'

Brain narrowed his eyes in disgust as he realized another of his plans had been foiled. 'Come on,' he growled as he ran towards the hidden garage, 'It's this way.'

Reaching the vehicle, all except Brain hopped in, and Danger Mouse took the wheel. Brain threw the switch that opened the door and joined the three. They sped out just as the Baron and Leatherhead entered the garage.

The baron struck Leatherhead and said, 'Fool, dolt, idiot! They've gotten away. I have lost, and it's your fault.'

On the road a child saw three white mice and a hamster in a small car. He ran towards them and slammed a bucket over them and carried them home. Later that evening in the child's bedroom, a new yellow toy car sat upon his shelf, and four new pets sat in a cage.

Penfold remarked, 'Crikey, I feel like a mouse caught in a trap!' He immediately felt the glowers of his three roommates—well, two of them at least. Pinky failed to notice.

Danger Mouse, exhausted, said 'Well, at least the day is saved. We don't have to worry about Baron Greenback's missile any longer. I say we get some shut-eye, and we can get out of here in the morning. At least we have a comfortable place to sleep.'

Brain said, 'I'm going to prepare for tomorrow night.'

Pinky asked, 'Why, what are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?'

'The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over—' glancing at Danger Mouse, he changed his thought and concluded, 'Try to get out of Canada.'

FIN

Evening, mates! I hope you enjoyed the story.

There'll be more in the future.

May be.  ^_-

This fic is dedicated to my beloved Rhapsody

without whom my life would be incomplete.