Crap! The Attack of Captain Obvious!
By Bezo the Blue Priest and Yezo the Yellow Priest
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone in this story except for Captain Obvious and Obvinigdo…and who wants them, anyway? Everyone else is owned…not by us, and they are used here without permission. But hey, we ain't makin' any money from this, so it's all good, right?
Authors' Notes: Well, we're back. Hey! Stop screaming in agony! We aren't that bad. Anyway, this is the first time we've decided to put anything that could REALLY be construed as "'shipperey" into our stories, and reading it, it isn't hard to discern what our biases are. Oh, yes. And Bezo says "Any Lina/Zel 'shippers that don't like it can bite us." [Yezo shakes her head in despair and wonders how many flames this is going to produce.]
Oh, yes. Flames. As always, Bezo can be reached at flamingpitsofhell@yahoo.com
And Yezo can be reached at
the_pyre42@hotmail.com
And now, oooooooooooooooooooooooon with the show!
[The scene is a forest. The time is evening, and our heroes are seated around a campfire. Zelgadis is playing the guitar, and all are singing "The Ballad of Rahanimu."]
All: There was a great fishman named Rahanimu,
He flew through the air and he got cut in two,
Zelgadis: And Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm the one who did it!
Everyone else: And heeeeeeeeeeeee's the one who did it!
Gourry: I'm hungry.
Lina: Yeah…that song put me in the mood for fish. Weird, huh?
A mysterious voice from deep within the woods: That is because the song was about fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!
[A trumpet fanfare is heard, starting out most triumphantly, then sounding rather like a moose with digestive problems.]
Amelia: [Glances about nervously] Who said that? And where did those trumpets come from?
Gourry: Yeah…and that sick moose?
[A rustling of leaves, a few thumps, and a string of profanities such as "Ow! Frickin' sharp branch!" and "Hey! Who put that [bleep]in log there?!" A few minutes later, a hugely muscular, exceedingly strangely dressed figure bursts through the shrubberies.]
Mysterious Man: Behold! I am Captain Obvious!
Lina: Yeah. We could tell from that banner hanging over your head.
Gourry: Hey, Lina, do you mean the one that says "I am Captain Obvious! Hear Me Roar"? Roooaaarr!
Zelgadis: Well, obviously.
Captain Obvious: Hah! I can see that you people will be a source of great strength for me! But I shall return, because I am going away now…but coming back at a later point. A time later than now!
[Captain Obvious reaches down and touches a small yellow switch on his belt, then strikes a heroic pose…and then glances down in annoyance. He hits the switch again…and again, and again, and again. Still nothing. Finally, he removes a small black tape recorder and hits the play button. Then, when this doesn't work, he smacks it several time, muttering about these things never working out for him, and about the stupid American technology.]
Amelia: Um…Mr. Captain Obvious? Do you think maybe your batteries are dead? The little light with the picture of a battery under it isn't glowing.
Captain Obvious: Of course! The batteries are dead! Obviously!
[He pulls a pack of AA batteries from his utility belt, puts them in the tape recorder, and hits the play button. The same trumpet fanfare as before starts, then quickly turns distorted.]
Captain Obvious: Stupid piece of crap! Darn it all to heck! [Turns to the gang.] I shall leave now.
[Captain Obvious bounces off through the trees, amid the playing of several banjos.]
Zelgadis: We just HAD to camp out in Hick Country, didn't we?
Lina: Look, Zel, this is the fastest route between Seyruun and Sairaag. If we had just taken it in the first place, we never would have run into all those stupid Vrumuguns! So quit complaining!
Gourry: Uh,
Lina?
Lina: WHAT?!
Gourry: [Quaking visibly.] Why are we going to Sairaag again?
Lina: [Sarcastically] So I can deliver you to Sylphiel. WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING?! We have to go somewhere! If I sit around any longer, I'll go nuts!
Amelia: But Miss Lina, why couldn't we go to Atlas City?
Lina: I hate Altas City! Last time I was there, I got ripped off by some girl selling hair dye! Do you have any idea how many boxes I needed to get all my hair red again?!
Gourry: Yeah. And their ice cream was really bad, too. There's just nothing like that Seyruun Soft-Serve. Y'know, from Dairy Prince. [Takes out a brochure on which is a picture of Philionel's hugely smiling visage, an ice cream cone held triumphantly above his head.] Mmm…Seyruun Soft-Serve…
[Gourry floats away on a happy pink cloud.]
Amelia: Um…where's he going?
[Lina sweatdrops hugely before stalking over to the cloud and ruthlessly popping poor Gourry's soft pillowy vessel. He falls to the ground with a resounding thud.]
Zelgadis: Nowhere for now, it would appear.
Lina: Obviously.
Zelgadis: Uh, Lina? I think we should avoid using that word for a while.
Lina: Yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, well. I'm tired. Let's go to sleep. Zel! Set up the sleeping bags. Amelia, cast a protection spell, or keep watch, or something. Gourry, tuck me in.
Gourry: Yes, ma'am!
Amelia: [Sighing and heading over to sit on a nearby rock] Why do I have to keep watch? If it weren't so out of character, I'd say this sucks ass! But, it is out of character, so I can't say it. Shit! Shit on a stick!
Zelgadis: Holy shit! Try to stay in character next time, you sexy bitch!
[Vrumugun wanders in, accompanied by Vrumugun]
Vrumugun: Dude! Where's my car?
Vrumugun: Where's your car, dude?
[Vrumugun and Vrumugun wander away, searching for Vrumugun's car and possibly a pizza guy to Freeze Arrow.]
Gourry: Dude…this is messed up.
Lina: Okay, guys! I'm going to sleep now, and if you're not in character by the time I wake up, you're all getting Dragon-Slaved! And just for the record, I'M A LIGHT SLEEPER!!! Gourry! Tuck! Now!
[Gourry and Lina wander over to Lina's sleeping bag, where Gourry proceeds to tuck her in with a goofy grin on his face, then kisses her forehead, then climbs into his own sleeping bag some six inches away.]
Zelgadis: Well, that was cute…if a little disturbing. Cute? Gods, I'm out of character. Well, I'd better enjoy it while I can.
[He turns to look at Amelia, and cheesy 70's porno music starts playing in his head.]
Zelgadis: This must be Bezo's influence.
Yezo's voice shouts from the heavens: No lemons! They're a terrible, terrible thing! When did I start channeling Sylphiel? And since when are lemons terrible, anyway? Hmm…I wonder where Bezo is…
Zelgadis: Well, when in Rome…
[Time passes. Lots and lots of time. The next morning…]
Zelgadis: Oh, my. Where does a shrine maiden learn to do that?
Amelia: Just because I'm a shrine maiden doesn't mean I don't have urges. Lots and lots of urges. In fact…………………….Recovery! [Reaching for Zel's mid-section]
Zelgadis: Whoa, hang on, Amelia. No time now. Look! The beast awakens! [He points over to Lina's sleeping bag, where the sorceress has indeed begun to stir.]
Amelia: [Scrambling to find clothing] Dark Mist!
Zelgadis: Good thinking, Amelia. Quick! Pass me my…um…y'know… [blushes]
[Amelia tosses a pair of undergarments his way.]
Zelgadis: [Holds up a pair of pink underwear with little white bows.] Uh…these aren't mine…
[Amid the temporary darkness which has settled upon the forest, much scuffling is heard.]
Lina: [Groggily] Hey! Who turned down the sun?
Amelia: Mornings really aren't her time, are they?
Lina: Bomb Di Wind!
[The mist promptly clears, to reveal Zelgadis pulling up his pants and Amelia pulling down her shirt.]
Lina: Hey, guys. Where's breakfast? I'm hungry.
Zelgadis: Uh…um…Gourry has it! Over there.
Amelia: Waaaay over there. [Mutters aside to Zelgadis] You're wearing one of my boots.]
Zelgadis: Yeah…it doesn't really go with this outfit.
[Lina saunters away toward the river. A more observant pair than Zelgadis and Amelia, who are still rather concerned with getting dressed, might notice that her shirt is not her own, but, rather, that of a certain blond swordsman, who is now presumably shirtless. Or else, wearing that of a certain red-haired sorceress…which is a horrifying thought.]
Lina's voice (off-screen): Light come forth, baby!
Gourry's voice (off-screen): Again, Lina? Well, if you insist…
[A ripping of cloth is heard.]
Gourry's voice (o.s.): Lina! That was my last shirt!
Lina's voice (o.s.): You ripped it, pal!
Gourry's voice (o.s.): Oh. Right.
Zelgadis: Well, Amelia, it seems that we have some time now.
Amelia: Yaay! Recovery!
Zelgadis: I don't need the spell. See? [Points downward.]
[Much, much, MUCH later, everyone is much happier, and now they are back on the road again. The road in question is a rather generic-looking road, winding up ahead into a rather generic-looking town, within which is a rather generic-looking inn…an inn which will most certainly cross paths with our merry little band of travelers.]
Lina: I'm hungry.
Gourry: Me, too.
[A trumpet fanfare starts up.]
Zelgadis: Oh, God.
[Entire group sweatdrops as Captain Obvious charges onto the scene.]
Captain Obvious: I am HERE!!
Gourry: Wll, yeah…
Captain Obvious: I was gone, but now I have come back! Which means I am here!
Lina: Why don't they call you Captain Duh?
Captain Obvious: Yes…that is a rather obvious choice, isn't it?
[Entire group bashes heads into nearby trees.]
Captain Obvious: Wait a minute…why am I bashing my head into a tree? That really hurts!
Gourry: Hey…have you guys noticed that every time someone says something obvious, his muscles grow?
[Captain Obvious's muscles grow a bit more.]
Captain Obvious: [with a gasp, pointing to Lina and Gourry] You two are in love!
[His muscles inflate. He points to Zelgadis and Amelia]
Captain Obvious: And so are you two!
[His muscles inflate some more. All four blush rather fiercely.]
Lina: So…why are you here, anyway, Captian Duh?
C.O.: It is rumoured that you people are the greatest adventurers in the land. I have come to challenge that, for I, too, am a great adventurer!
Lina: You, my friend, are a great pain in the ass!
[Captain Obvious's muscles grow, much to his chagrin.]
C.O.: Hey! They aren't supposed to grow at that!
Amelia: Why are his muscles growing like that, anyway?
Zelgadis: It's obvious, Amelia. They're inflatable.
[The muscles grow some more.]
C.O.: Hey! They are not!
Gourry: That's a lie.
[Muscles grow some more, nearly covering his face.]
Lina: Hey, guys, I know how we can beat him!
Zelgadis: Oh…tell us, Lina. We have no idea.
C.O.: Wow! It's a good thing my cousin Captain Sarcasm isn't here.
Zelgadis: Excuse me. I am Captain Sarcasm.
C.O.: Cousin! [Runs to hug him]
Zelgadis: [Makes an irritated noise and brings his fist down on top of Captain Obvious's head.]
Lina: Uh, Zel? May I continue?
Zelgadis: [With a sigh] Go ahead, Lina. Impart us with your boundless wisdom.
Lina: Okay, I'll fireball you for that later. Anyway, does everyone know what happens when you fill a balloon too full?
Gourry: Oh! I know! Pick me!
Lina: [Sweatdrops] Go ahead, Gourry.
Gourry: Your face turns blue, and you pass out!
[Captain Obvious's muscles deflate a little, to the point that he is able to get up.]
Lina: NO, YOU IDIOT! IT POPS!
[Muscles re-inflate, and Captain Obvious groans in pain.]
Zelgadis: I like coffee.
[Muscles inflate even more.]
Amelia: I like justice!
[Muscles inflate again.]
Lina: Amelia, you're crazy.
[And again…]
Zelgadis: And you can be a bitch sometimes.
[And again…]
Lina: And you sulk too much, you whiner.
[And again…]
Amelia: Uh, guys…
Zelgadis: At least my girl has breasts!
[More muscle inflation occurs.]
Zelgadis: Hell, I have bigger breasts than you!
[And again…]
Lina: You're gonna die for that, pal!
[And again…]
Amelia: Uh, guys?
[Muscles inflate]
Amelia: What?!
Zelgadis: Watch this: Lina Inverse has breasts!
[Muscles deflate a lot]
Zelgadis: I rest my case.
Lina: You'll be resting in peace if you don't shut up real soon!
[Muscles inflate more]
Gourry: This probably isn't the best time to tell them that I'm getting really hungry…
[There go the muscles again…]
Amelia: I think they've gone insane, Mr. Gourry.
[Muscles inflate a lot.]
Gourry: I don't know why she's so sensitive about her breasts, though. I really like them!
[Muscles inflate more.]
Zelgadis: [Shouting at Lina] You're stubborn!
[Muscles inflate]
Lina: YOU'RE stubborn!
[Muscles inflate again]
Zelgadis: You're greedy!
[And again…]
Lina: You're selfish!
[And again…a lot]
Captain Obvious: I can't take much more of this!
[Muscles inflate more]
Lina and Zelgadis: SHUT UP!! We're fighting!
[And more…]
Gourry: I…don't really know what's going on here.
[A loud explosion echoes through the afternoon air as Captain Obvious departs from this world in a tremendous burst of spandex and inflatable muscle.]
Captain Obvious's head: I die!
[Head inflates]
Captain Obvious's head: Dammit! I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaack!
[The sound of his cry diminishes as he dies, his tongue, of course, lolling comically to the side.]
Zelgadis: Well…that was easier than expected.
Gourry: So, are we going to get food now?
Lina: Obviously.
[Zelgadis and Amelia sweatdrop, as Gourry cheers.]
Lina: Sorry. Couldn't resist.
[Time passes on a traveling scene that we don't feel like writing. We rejoin our heroes in the aforementioned typical inn.]
Lina: [As they walk in the door] All right! Bring me food, and lots of it!
Gourry: [Glancing at a table in a shadowy corner where a red-robed man with purple hair and a jingly staff is seated, and next to him is seated a woman with dark spiky hair in black leather boots and a very small black leather dress.] Hey…where have I seen that guy before?
Zelgadis: What did you say, Gourry?
Rezo: Oh, no, it's them! [Eris begins to turn around] No, no, honey, don't look! Don't turn around! [Drops his head to his hand in despair as Lina calls out to them.] Damn. Too late. They saw us, didn't they?
Eris: [Nods sadly] I'm afraid so, my darling Rezo
Lina: [Approaching the table in the shadowy corner] Well, well, well, if it isn't Rezo the Red Priest.
Rezo: Yeah, hi. Look-
Zelgadis: [Resentfully] Hello, Grandfather. Regretting turning your grandson into a horrible freak yet?
Rezo: Geez, you sure hold a grudge, don't you?
Lina: So, what do you call yourself?
Rezo: Copy Copy Copy Rezo, if you must know. But look, guys, I'm on a date here, so if you could all take off, that would be really great, alright?
Gourry: She's pretty.
Rezo: Yeah, like I could tell. Now will you PLEASE go away?
Lina: Oh! I get it! You're afraid that if we keep hanging around, we'll screw it up, right?
Rezo: In a word, yes. Now beat it!
Zelgadis: And of course, then poor old Rezo will never get any.
[Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, and Amelia sigh in mock sadness.]
Rezo: Well, I obviously got some with your grandmother, now didn't I?
Zelgadis: Granny Greywords was a saint! Don't you say such things about her!
Rezo: Hey, it's common sense. Now, will you please go away?
Amelia: Should we maybe just humour him?
Zelgadis: I'm inclined to.
Lina: I'm inclined not to.
Gourry: I'm hungry.
[At Gourry's fatal words, Copy Copy Copy Rezo's copy copy copy eyes start to copy copy copy glow. He screams and claws at them in a manner which, oddly enough, feels rather familiar. The next moment, a massive, terrifying, and decidedly icky creature bursts forth from Rezo's eyes and steps on Copy Copy Eris.
Copy Copy Copy Rezo: Damn it all! I'll never get any if this keeps happening! If it isn't my evil twin killing my woman, it's a freaking dark lord!
Gourry: You mean…that…that…that THING is a dark lord?!
Creature: Yes, insignificant human, I am a dark lord. I am the little-known fifth dark lord, Obvinigdo, overlord of all that is blatantly, glaringly obvious!
Lina: Oh, for crying out loud! This is just getting pointless!
[Obvinigdo begins to howl in pain.]
Obvinigdo: Noooooo! This human girl has found my weakness! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!
[Amid his screams of pain, Obvinigdo disappears in a puff of green smoke. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, and Rezo all stare, blinking, at the rather large portion of space that Obvinigdo hitherto had occupied. Then Rezo turns away with a sigh.]
Lina: Aw, Rezo, we're awfully sorry we obliterated your girlfriend. If it'll make you feel any better, I'm sure you can find a new one.
Rezo: But it just isn't the same. No other woman will have Eris's sweet voice, her beautiful, sweet eyes, her smooth black hair-
Zelgadis: Love is apparently not only blind, but deaf as well.
Rezo: -her creamy skin, her form of matchless grace and sexiness-
Lina: Unless you copy another Eris.
Rezo: Ah! That is it! I shall do this. Thank-you, Lina Inverse. I mean, I'm still coming back to destroy you so that I can surpass all those who have come before and all that jazz, but thanks nonetheless.
Lina: Uh…Copy Copy Copy Rezo? You might wanna watch out for that…
[Lina is cut off as a rather large chunk of the doorframe breaks loose and falls on Copy Copy Copy Rezo, who promptly dies.]
Lina: Never mind.
Zelgadis: [Irritated noise]
Amelia: Wow…he died.
Gourry: Guys, I'm still hungry. Can we go eat now?
Lina: Of course, Gourry!
[Lina and Gourry scamper off to a table to order food. As Amelia turns to follow them, Zelgadis stops her.]
Zelgadis: Uh, Amelia, I've been meaning to ask you something, but it never seemed like a good time.
Amelia: [Eyes all big and starry] Yes, Mr. Zelgadis?
Zelgadis: What was with the little white kitties on your…ahem…uh [blushes fiercely]…undergarments?
Amelia: There's a very interesting story behind them. But it is a tale for another time. Now, let's go get food, shall we?
Zelgadis: [Irritated noise]
The End…finally!