Caroline & Lost Love
Chapter Six
By: Jana~
*****~*****
--"A baby?" Richard asked in shock… "A baby?" he repeated…
"Yes. And I know you've never been keen on the idea of being a father…"
"It's not that…" he replied quickly…
"It's because I'm disabled, right? Cause I can't make a good mom like this…" she gestured to her wheelchair…
"No, Caroline, its not that…"
"Then, what?"
He struggled with what to say… with how to respond without upsetting her… "You just sprung this on me… is all…"
"Well, so, you would at least be willing to consider it?"
He didn't answer right away… "Well, didn't the doctors say something about you possibly having problems conceiving?"
"Yeah, but, they assumed. I was never tested… and it's not like we've even tried…"
"True."
"And, if I can't… we could… maybe… adopt?" it was more of a question than a statement…
"Adopt?" he repeated…
"Yeah. Infertile couples do that all the time, Richard. It's fairly common…"
He gave her a sideways glance… "I know that, Caroline. It's just…"
"Just what?"
"This is a lot to deal with here. I mean, we've never really discussed having kids before… and I guess I just assumed--"
"What? That I wouldn't want them? Because I'm disabled?"
"Stop putting words in my mouth. I didn't say that!"
"But you were thinking it, weren't you?"
"And now you can read minds?"
"Stop being so condescending! I know you, Richard. I know how you feel about having kids. It would just be logical that you would be glad if I couldn't have kids…"
"Oh, now, wait a minute! That's not fair! Just cause I never imagined myself as a father, doesn't mean I would be happy if you were unable to have them!"
She sighed… "I apologize. The comment was out of line…"
"It's fine…" he accepted her apology, but she could tell he was still hurt…
"Look, we don't have to discuss this now, ok?" she suggested… "We should just enjoy our anniversary… and deal with this later…"
He nodded… "Yeah. Ok…"
She rolled over to the bed and proceeded to climb in… "Coming?"
"In a few…" he muttered… "I think I'm gonna go take a walk…"
"It's, like…" she checked the bedside clock… "Three in the morning."
"Yeah. I know." He grabbed his coat and walked out the door.
She sighed deeply, settling into the covers… "So much for our romantic weekend…" she mumbled to herself, turning off the bedside light.
*****
--Richard returned to the room to find Caroline asleep. He shed his coat and kicked off his shoes, then carefully climbed into bed… hoping to not wake up his wife.
She heard him settle in… sighing as he got comfortable… she knew it wouldn't take him long to fall asleep…
"Sorry I upset you." she whispered, wanting to catch him before he dozed off…
"I know…" he whispered back, wrapping his arm around her… "I'm sorry I woke you."
"You didn't… I couldn't really sleep."
He kissed her hair… "I love you, Caroline, you know that… right?"
"I do… most of the time. I just get…"
"Doubts?"
"Yeah…"
He kissed her hair again, then kissed her neck… "If you want, we'll go to the DR and find out about getting pregnant."
She turned over slightly to look at him… "Really?"
"Yes. Really. I did a lot of thinking while out on my walk. And I decided… the reason for why I didn't want children no longer exists…"
His comment confused her… "What do you mean?"
"I always looked at the world like it was out to get me. Like the world in general was bad and getting worse… but in the past eight years I've realized that… that just simply isn't true. At least, not anymore… and I have you as proof of that. I'm no longer an angry loner, blaming everything bad that happens on some invisible keepers of fate. I'm a husband now… married to a wonderful, caring, nurturing wife. A wife who wants to add a child to our family." He smiled… "What could be so bad about that?"
Caroline was in tears… "I love you. Thank you so much for this…"
He kissed her lips softly… "I haven't given you a child yet…" he kissed her again… "But we can sure have some fun going through the motions, yes?"
She chuckled slightly, turning further to face him… "Absolutely."
*****~*****
--"Why doesn't she call?" Caroline asked as she chewed on her fingernails nervously, rocking slightly in her chair…
"Don't bite your nails…" Richard stated, seemingly much calmer than his wife. Truth was, on the inside, he felt anything but calm… "She'll call as soon as she gets the lab results."
"Every minute feels like an hour."
"I know, sweetie."
When the phone rang, they both jumped with surprise. Richard handed the phone to her, and she took a deep breath before answering it.
It was the DR, and Caroline smiled anxiously as she listened… but within a few moments, tears began to fill her eyes, dropping down her cheeks.
She squeezed her eyes shut and handed the phone to Richard without informing the DR she was, certain her voice was gone.
"Hello, DR, this is Richard." ~~ "Yeah, she's a bit upset… she handed me the phone…"
He listened as the DR explained everything to him, and he held Caroline's hand supportively as she wiped at her tears…
"Ok, thank you DR. We'll get back to you…" He hung up the phone, then turned to Caroline…
"I'm broken! I can't get pregnant!" she wailed softly, very distraught…
"There are options though, sweetie…"
"I know. We can adopt, but I was really hoping to be able to feel the baby growing inside me--"
"That's not what I meant." he interrupted…
"What?" she asked with a sniffle…
"That's not the option I was referring to." he attempted to clarify…
"It's not?"
"No. The DR used a lot of technical jargon, so I'm not sure about all the details, but apparently, you can produce eggs and your uterus is fine. So, what they can do is, take your eggs and my sperm, fertilize the egg, then put the egg into your uterus."
"Like, in vitro fertilization?"
"I don't know the name for it…"
"That has to be expensive…"
He nodded… "She said it was. But didn't say how much. But, I say, cost shouldn't matter."
"Really?"
"Really." he nodded with a smile…
New tears began to fall, but these were not tears of sadness, but of happiness… "You never cease to amaze me, Richard…"
"I told her I'd call her back if we want to make an appointment to discuss the procedure…" he grabbed the phone… "I'm assuming by that smile that you do."
She nodded, her smile growing wider as he dialed the phone.
*****~*****
--Richard and Caroline sat nervously in the DRs office, awaiting word on the test results…
"Now, try not to get upset if the test is negative, alright?" Richard asked with a caring, supportive tone… "We can always try again…"
Caroline nodded… "I know."
Weeks after their first attempt at getting pregnant, the whole process itself long and grueling, they sat in waiting as the DR ran the lab work for the pregnancy test at the infertility clinic.
When the nurse entered the room, Richard stood and grasped Caroline's hand…
"The DR will see you now…" she gestured for them to follow… "In her office…"
--"The success rate is very high…" the DR explained… "However…"
Caroline tuned her out after that. Tears pooled in her eyes and she refused to blink, knowing if she did, they would fall. They fell anyway, and the DR offered typical condolences and promises of trying again and the odds being better a second time. Richard held her hand, squeezing almost painfully tight.
Richard had agreed to having a child mostly for Caroline's sake, but with the possibility that she was carrying his child, he had started to become excited by the idea. He took the news that the procedure failed hard… but not nearly as hard as Caroline.
They discussed going through the procedure again, but with the cost and strain, physically and mentally, they decided to stop after the second try… successful or not.
--When the second try failed, Caroline withdrew from everyone and everything, crying often and not allowing Richard near her… intimately. In a way, it was like the situation was reversed, and where once it was Richard denying Caroline, it was now Caroline denying Richard…
--He regretted what he had to do. He knew they couldn't go on the way they had been… they way they had been since the infertility treatments failed. He had been putting it off for weeks… he had to just do it. Get it over with. And the pain that would surely follow could happen, and move on into healing…
--"Caroline?" he called to her as he entered their room… she was just lying on the bed… like she did most days…
"Caroline?" he called again… "We have to talk."
She looked up into his serious, sad eyes… she nodded…
TO BE CONTINUED…
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