This story is strictly for fun. All the characters have been borrowed but the story plot is mine. Hope you enjoy it. Please r/r. Thanks.
Jerry's Apartment
Jerry grabs the milk and attempts to pour himself a glass. One drop of milk falls into the glass. Squeezing and crushing the carton, Jerry grumbles.
Jerry: That Kramer!
Simultaneously Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Who are you talking to Jerry?
Jerry: You, Kramer!
Kramer: What did I do?
Jerry: You drank all my milk again.
Kramer: Don't worry about it Jerry. I'll pick you up a couple of those little cartons at the cafeteria today.
Jerry: Cafeteria? What cafeteria? Are you stealing patients dinner trays at the hospital again?
Kramer: No Jerry! At school.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Jerry finally throws the crushed milk carton in the garbage.
Kramer: Didn't I tell you? I started school at the city college. I even have a dorm room.
Kramer is all excited.
Jerry: Oh really?
Kramer: In case I decide to have a lady friend over, we can just go up to my dorm room! It's really cool Jerry. You should come over.
Jerry: I'm not going to any dorm room. Why made you decide to go to college?
Kramer: Well, it's free. A man of my age and economic status gets lots of free money for an education.
Jerry: I see.
Jerry starts heading towards the door. Kramer follows.
Jerry: I'm going to Monks to get something to drink. Have fun with all your homework and exams.
Kramer: Homework?
Monks
Jerry is sitting at the booth finishing up his milk and pie when Elaine walks in.
Jerry: What's wrong with you? You look terrible.
Elaine: Yeah, thanks.
She sits down looking exhausted.
Elaine: I think there are ghosts in my apartment.
Jerry: Ghosts?
Elaine: Yes Jerry, ghosts! I keep getting woken up by these strange noises.
Jerry is trying to believe her but having trouble.
Jerry: Maybe it's your neighbors upstairs again.
Elaine: No, it's different Jerry. It sounds like an old woman calling my name. And I see things sometimes.
Jerry: Like what?
Jerry cracks a smile, trying not to laugh.
Elaine: Well, the other night I got up to go to the bathroom and I thought I saw a man with matches in his hand in the kitchen.
Jerry: Strange.
Elaine: It's freaking me out. I heard if you get a Ouija board you can talk to them. So, what do you think?
Jerry: Sounds a little kooky to me.
Jerry stands up from the table and gets ready to leave.
Elaine: Oh, come on Jerry. I'm going to stop at the store and pick one up. Will you come over tonight and use it with me?
Jerry: No way, no how! That's stuff is dangerous Elaine.
Elaine: I know. They say you aren't supposed to use one by yourself. Please Jerry? I need sleep.
Jerry: Fine! But I'm bringing George just in case. We can use him as bait for the evil spirits.
Elaine: Good. Thanks Jerry. Eight o'clock. And you better show up.
City College
Kramer is walking to class when he spots a bulletin board full of advertisements. He spots a flyer for a rush party tonight at the Gamma Iota Nu house. He pulls the flyer off and smiles.
Kramer: Giddy-up!
Pharmacy
George is walking down an aisle towards the wart remover creams when he notices a display of Ultimax Ab-burners. He stops and picks one up.
George: "As seen on TV". Hmm. I wonder if these things really work.
He looks down at his stomach and grabs at the fat. He turns and heads for the counter, forgetting what he originally game in to get.
Jerry's Apartment
George is standing just inside the doorway.
Jerry: Ok, George. Let me grab my coat and then we can go.
Jerry heads back towards his room.
George: Ohhh.
George winces in pain. He's had the ab-burner on all afternoon.
Jerry reappears with his coat.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: Uh, I said ok.
Jerry: Are you ok George?
George: Oh yeah. My stomach just hurts a little.
Jerry: Must be all that junk food you eat.
George: Must be.
George hasn't told Jerry about the ab-burner in case it doesn't work on him. He doesn't want Jerry to laugh at him for being the victim to another TV gimmick. They leave and go to Elaine's.
Elaine's Apartment
Elaine, Jerry and George are sitting on the floor with the Ouija board spread across their laps.
Elaine: It says we're all supposed to place our fingertips lightly on the edge of the planchette.
George and Jerry just look at Elaine without moving.
Elaine: Come on you guys!
Jerry: All right already.
They both add their fingers to the pointer.
Elaine: Now concentrate.
George starts to laugh. Elaine hits him. He stops laughing.
Elaine: We are trying to contact the spirits. Is there anyone here?
Everyone watches the planchette silently but it doesn't move. Just as they are ready to give up the pointer begins to move. Everyone's eyes shoot up in amazement to gauge each other's response.
Elaine: Is there someone here?
The planchette continues to slide around the board slowly.
Elaine: George if that's you moving it, I'm going to hit you again!
Jerry: You better listen to her George.
George: It's not me!
George is only half paying attention to what is going on. He is focusing on his stomach. The ab burner seems to be getting more intense. They continue to watch the ouija board. The pointer suddenly stops at the letter F. They glance at each other again quickly then look back anxiously at the board to see what is next. It slides over to I.
Elaine: F-I?
Again it starts moving, down to the letter R, then stops back at the F.
Jerry: F-I-R-F?
George: What is firf?
Elaine: I don't know! I don't know!
As if in response to their confusion, the planchette moves slightly to the left and halts on the letter E.
Elaine: Fire? There was a fire?
The planchette moves to YES.
Jerry: What is this thing doing?
Elaine: I don't know. Hold on. Did you die in a fire?
The pointer moves towards the NO then stops half way there and goes back to the YES.
George: Oh right!
Elaine: Shut up George.
She returns to talking to the board. Jerry and George watch Elaine.
Elaine: How old are you?
The planchette moves to the 7 and then rests on the 3.
Jerry: 73. Wow. She was old.
Elaine: How did the fire start?
The planchette doesn't move. Elaine repeats the question.
Elaine: How did the fire start?
The pointer spells out H-U-S-B-A-N.
Jerry: She sure isn't good at spelling.
Elaine: Shut up Jerry. That would explain the man I thought I saw in the kitchen holding the matches.
Jerry: So her husband killed her in a fire. That's just creepy.
Just then George lets go of the planchette and falls over on his back. He begins flopping around on the floor, kicking the Ouija board and sending the planchette flying across the room. Jerry and Elaine are stunned.
Jerry: Oh no! I think he's possessed!!
Elaine: My best friend's college roommate got possessed once when they played Oiuja in the cemetery. What do we do Jerry?
Jerry and Elaine stand up and watch George as he continues to roll and spasm on the floor, moaning loudly.
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe he's having a seizure. Call 911! Call an exorcist!
Elaine runs to the phone and calls the paramedics.
Elaine: Maybe we should call Ghostbusters too!
A few moments later the paramedics arrive at the apartment.
Gamma Iota Nu house
Kramer is seen running threw the house in a toga! The fraternity brothers are chanting
"Kramer! Kramer! Kramer!"
Hospital
Jerry: So, you weren't possessed after all George! Just some frazzled wiring in your ab-o-matic!
Elaine and Jerry laugh.
George: Yeah, yeah. Very funny. I could have died you know.
Elaine: Sure you could have George.
George: No, I could have. The doctor said so. The electrical currents could have zapped my heart.
Jerry: It's a good thing the paramedics opened your shirt first and didn't just use the defibrillator on you or you might have killed them too!
Elaine and Jerry are still laughing.
George: Well, I am getting out tomorrow and I'm calling my lawyer. I'm suing them.
Jerry: Ok George. You do that. We'll see you later.
In front of Jerry's building
Jerry is walking towards his building after parking his car when he notices a draft at the front of his pants. He looks down and notices his fly is open. He reaches down to zip it.
Jerry: Great! Just great! How long have I been walking around with this open? I bet Elaine saw it at the hospital and didn't even tell me.
He tries to pull up the zipper but it won't budge.
Jerry: Oh great, it's broken.
He continues to jiggle it and bounce around.
Jerry: Come on baby!
As he is doing this, 2 police officers are walking towards him.
Officer One: Ok buddy, let go of it and step over to the wall, nice and slow.
Monks-2 days later
Jerry and Elaine are sitting at the booth.
Elaine: So, where have you been lately?
Jerry: Well, after I dropped you off the other night after visiting George in the hospital I got arrested.
Elaine: Get outta here!
Jerry: I'm afraid it's true.
Elaine: For what?
Jerry: Indecent exposure. You know, is there really a decent exposure?
Elaine: Oh Jerry, has it come to that?
Jerry: Ha ha. No, I noticed my fly was open and I was trying to zip it up. But it was broken. So, I was jiggling it trying to fix it and 2 cops walked up and thought....
Elaine busts out laughing. Jerry is embarrassed. George walks in and sees Elaine laughing. He hopes they aren't still laughing about his ab burner incident.
Jerry: Oh hey Georgie, how's the 6 pack?
George: Fine, just fine. What's so funny Elaine?
Elaine: Jerry is a pervert!
George: What?
Jerry: No I'm not! My zipper was broken!
George sits down next to Jerry.
Elaine: So what happened after they arrested you?
Jerry: I had to post bond and now I have 200 hours of community service to do at the nursing home.
George: Wow.
Jerry: So, that's where I was yesterday. I have to sit and listen to old people tell me their life stories! But I am getting some good stand up material out of it. One guy there calls the nursing home "God's waiting room".
Elaine: That's one way of looking at it.
Kramer comes in and slides in next to Elaine.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer doesn't respond. He has one arm across the back of the booth, the other on his hip as he looks around the diner.
Elaine: What's wrong Kramer?
Kramer: They kicked me out!
George: Who?
Kramer: The GIN boys!
Jerry: Gin boys? Can you elaborate Kramer? Did you piss off the Mafia again?
Kramer: No. Gamma Iota Nu-the GIN boys. A fraternity at the college. They said I was fun to party with but too old to pledge. Can you believe that Jerry?
Jerry: It's an outrage!
George: When did you start college?
Jerry: While you were possessed!
Elaine and Jerry start laughing.
Jerry: What ever happened with your haunted apartment Elaine?
Elaine: They're gone!
Jerry: Gone?
Elaine: Yep! I think George scared them away with that fit he had.
George: Very funny. Just keep laughing! I'm leaving.
George gets up and leaves while Jerry and Elaine continue to giggle.
Kramer: Me too. I have to go return my dorm keys.
Kramer follows George out the door.
Jerry and Elaine remain at the booth laughing hysterically.
Jerry's Apartment
Jerry grabs the milk and attempts to pour himself a glass. One drop of milk falls into the glass. Squeezing and crushing the carton, Jerry grumbles.
Jerry: That Kramer!
Simultaneously Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Who are you talking to Jerry?
Jerry: You, Kramer!
Kramer: What did I do?
Jerry: You drank all my milk again.
Kramer: Don't worry about it Jerry. I'll pick you up a couple of those little cartons at the cafeteria today.
Jerry: Cafeteria? What cafeteria? Are you stealing patients dinner trays at the hospital again?
Kramer: No Jerry! At school.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Jerry finally throws the crushed milk carton in the garbage.
Kramer: Didn't I tell you? I started school at the city college. I even have a dorm room.
Kramer is all excited.
Jerry: Oh really?
Kramer: In case I decide to have a lady friend over, we can just go up to my dorm room! It's really cool Jerry. You should come over.
Jerry: I'm not going to any dorm room. Why made you decide to go to college?
Kramer: Well, it's free. A man of my age and economic status gets lots of free money for an education.
Jerry: I see.
Jerry starts heading towards the door. Kramer follows.
Jerry: I'm going to Monks to get something to drink. Have fun with all your homework and exams.
Kramer: Homework?
Monks
Jerry is sitting at the booth finishing up his milk and pie when Elaine walks in.
Jerry: What's wrong with you? You look terrible.
Elaine: Yeah, thanks.
She sits down looking exhausted.
Elaine: I think there are ghosts in my apartment.
Jerry: Ghosts?
Elaine: Yes Jerry, ghosts! I keep getting woken up by these strange noises.
Jerry is trying to believe her but having trouble.
Jerry: Maybe it's your neighbors upstairs again.
Elaine: No, it's different Jerry. It sounds like an old woman calling my name. And I see things sometimes.
Jerry: Like what?
Jerry cracks a smile, trying not to laugh.
Elaine: Well, the other night I got up to go to the bathroom and I thought I saw a man with matches in his hand in the kitchen.
Jerry: Strange.
Elaine: It's freaking me out. I heard if you get a Ouija board you can talk to them. So, what do you think?
Jerry: Sounds a little kooky to me.
Jerry stands up from the table and gets ready to leave.
Elaine: Oh, come on Jerry. I'm going to stop at the store and pick one up. Will you come over tonight and use it with me?
Jerry: No way, no how! That's stuff is dangerous Elaine.
Elaine: I know. They say you aren't supposed to use one by yourself. Please Jerry? I need sleep.
Jerry: Fine! But I'm bringing George just in case. We can use him as bait for the evil spirits.
Elaine: Good. Thanks Jerry. Eight o'clock. And you better show up.
City College
Kramer is walking to class when he spots a bulletin board full of advertisements. He spots a flyer for a rush party tonight at the Gamma Iota Nu house. He pulls the flyer off and smiles.
Kramer: Giddy-up!
Pharmacy
George is walking down an aisle towards the wart remover creams when he notices a display of Ultimax Ab-burners. He stops and picks one up.
George: "As seen on TV". Hmm. I wonder if these things really work.
He looks down at his stomach and grabs at the fat. He turns and heads for the counter, forgetting what he originally game in to get.
Jerry's Apartment
George is standing just inside the doorway.
Jerry: Ok, George. Let me grab my coat and then we can go.
Jerry heads back towards his room.
George: Ohhh.
George winces in pain. He's had the ab-burner on all afternoon.
Jerry reappears with his coat.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: Uh, I said ok.
Jerry: Are you ok George?
George: Oh yeah. My stomach just hurts a little.
Jerry: Must be all that junk food you eat.
George: Must be.
George hasn't told Jerry about the ab-burner in case it doesn't work on him. He doesn't want Jerry to laugh at him for being the victim to another TV gimmick. They leave and go to Elaine's.
Elaine's Apartment
Elaine, Jerry and George are sitting on the floor with the Ouija board spread across their laps.
Elaine: It says we're all supposed to place our fingertips lightly on the edge of the planchette.
George and Jerry just look at Elaine without moving.
Elaine: Come on you guys!
Jerry: All right already.
They both add their fingers to the pointer.
Elaine: Now concentrate.
George starts to laugh. Elaine hits him. He stops laughing.
Elaine: We are trying to contact the spirits. Is there anyone here?
Everyone watches the planchette silently but it doesn't move. Just as they are ready to give up the pointer begins to move. Everyone's eyes shoot up in amazement to gauge each other's response.
Elaine: Is there someone here?
The planchette continues to slide around the board slowly.
Elaine: George if that's you moving it, I'm going to hit you again!
Jerry: You better listen to her George.
George: It's not me!
George is only half paying attention to what is going on. He is focusing on his stomach. The ab burner seems to be getting more intense. They continue to watch the ouija board. The pointer suddenly stops at the letter F. They glance at each other again quickly then look back anxiously at the board to see what is next. It slides over to I.
Elaine: F-I?
Again it starts moving, down to the letter R, then stops back at the F.
Jerry: F-I-R-F?
George: What is firf?
Elaine: I don't know! I don't know!
As if in response to their confusion, the planchette moves slightly to the left and halts on the letter E.
Elaine: Fire? There was a fire?
The planchette moves to YES.
Jerry: What is this thing doing?
Elaine: I don't know. Hold on. Did you die in a fire?
The pointer moves towards the NO then stops half way there and goes back to the YES.
George: Oh right!
Elaine: Shut up George.
She returns to talking to the board. Jerry and George watch Elaine.
Elaine: How old are you?
The planchette moves to the 7 and then rests on the 3.
Jerry: 73. Wow. She was old.
Elaine: How did the fire start?
The planchette doesn't move. Elaine repeats the question.
Elaine: How did the fire start?
The pointer spells out H-U-S-B-A-N.
Jerry: She sure isn't good at spelling.
Elaine: Shut up Jerry. That would explain the man I thought I saw in the kitchen holding the matches.
Jerry: So her husband killed her in a fire. That's just creepy.
Just then George lets go of the planchette and falls over on his back. He begins flopping around on the floor, kicking the Ouija board and sending the planchette flying across the room. Jerry and Elaine are stunned.
Jerry: Oh no! I think he's possessed!!
Elaine: My best friend's college roommate got possessed once when they played Oiuja in the cemetery. What do we do Jerry?
Jerry and Elaine stand up and watch George as he continues to roll and spasm on the floor, moaning loudly.
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe he's having a seizure. Call 911! Call an exorcist!
Elaine runs to the phone and calls the paramedics.
Elaine: Maybe we should call Ghostbusters too!
A few moments later the paramedics arrive at the apartment.
Gamma Iota Nu house
Kramer is seen running threw the house in a toga! The fraternity brothers are chanting
"Kramer! Kramer! Kramer!"
Hospital
Jerry: So, you weren't possessed after all George! Just some frazzled wiring in your ab-o-matic!
Elaine and Jerry laugh.
George: Yeah, yeah. Very funny. I could have died you know.
Elaine: Sure you could have George.
George: No, I could have. The doctor said so. The electrical currents could have zapped my heart.
Jerry: It's a good thing the paramedics opened your shirt first and didn't just use the defibrillator on you or you might have killed them too!
Elaine and Jerry are still laughing.
George: Well, I am getting out tomorrow and I'm calling my lawyer. I'm suing them.
Jerry: Ok George. You do that. We'll see you later.
In front of Jerry's building
Jerry is walking towards his building after parking his car when he notices a draft at the front of his pants. He looks down and notices his fly is open. He reaches down to zip it.
Jerry: Great! Just great! How long have I been walking around with this open? I bet Elaine saw it at the hospital and didn't even tell me.
He tries to pull up the zipper but it won't budge.
Jerry: Oh great, it's broken.
He continues to jiggle it and bounce around.
Jerry: Come on baby!
As he is doing this, 2 police officers are walking towards him.
Officer One: Ok buddy, let go of it and step over to the wall, nice and slow.
Monks-2 days later
Jerry and Elaine are sitting at the booth.
Elaine: So, where have you been lately?
Jerry: Well, after I dropped you off the other night after visiting George in the hospital I got arrested.
Elaine: Get outta here!
Jerry: I'm afraid it's true.
Elaine: For what?
Jerry: Indecent exposure. You know, is there really a decent exposure?
Elaine: Oh Jerry, has it come to that?
Jerry: Ha ha. No, I noticed my fly was open and I was trying to zip it up. But it was broken. So, I was jiggling it trying to fix it and 2 cops walked up and thought....
Elaine busts out laughing. Jerry is embarrassed. George walks in and sees Elaine laughing. He hopes they aren't still laughing about his ab burner incident.
Jerry: Oh hey Georgie, how's the 6 pack?
George: Fine, just fine. What's so funny Elaine?
Elaine: Jerry is a pervert!
George: What?
Jerry: No I'm not! My zipper was broken!
George sits down next to Jerry.
Elaine: So what happened after they arrested you?
Jerry: I had to post bond and now I have 200 hours of community service to do at the nursing home.
George: Wow.
Jerry: So, that's where I was yesterday. I have to sit and listen to old people tell me their life stories! But I am getting some good stand up material out of it. One guy there calls the nursing home "God's waiting room".
Elaine: That's one way of looking at it.
Kramer comes in and slides in next to Elaine.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer doesn't respond. He has one arm across the back of the booth, the other on his hip as he looks around the diner.
Elaine: What's wrong Kramer?
Kramer: They kicked me out!
George: Who?
Kramer: The GIN boys!
Jerry: Gin boys? Can you elaborate Kramer? Did you piss off the Mafia again?
Kramer: No. Gamma Iota Nu-the GIN boys. A fraternity at the college. They said I was fun to party with but too old to pledge. Can you believe that Jerry?
Jerry: It's an outrage!
George: When did you start college?
Jerry: While you were possessed!
Elaine and Jerry start laughing.
Jerry: What ever happened with your haunted apartment Elaine?
Elaine: They're gone!
Jerry: Gone?
Elaine: Yep! I think George scared them away with that fit he had.
George: Very funny. Just keep laughing! I'm leaving.
George gets up and leaves while Jerry and Elaine continue to giggle.
Kramer: Me too. I have to go return my dorm keys.
Kramer follows George out the door.
Jerry and Elaine remain at the booth laughing hysterically.