ALL THE WAY
I think that this is one of the worst moments of my life. It really makes the
top two. Ever since Charlie died, I've never felt thins much pain, this much
anger, this much...of anything. There in there doing everything that they
can for him. I hope that he'll be okay.
**************************
"Jack, she's gone." He tells me, tears still running freely down his face.
"I know." I answer him wiping them away. I take him into a hug, one that he
really needs. I take him back to his place and stay with him. I don't know
why but I didn't want to leave him. He didn't seem to mind, he'd do it with
or without me there.
"Danny, come on. Don't do this. Give me the gun." I tell him. My heart begins
to race and my body to shake. I ignore the growing feeling of what I know is
about to happen. "I can't Jack. Don't you see? I can't live without her."
I blink through my own tears as I try to control the situation. It had been
three days since Sha're's death. I knew that he was taking it bad, but I
didn't know that he would go this far. I have to try to stop him. "Danny,
please. Just give me the gun. Okay? I can help you, let me help you. I know
how it is, Danny. I know, I get it." He grips the gun tighter. "Good-bye,
Jack. Please forgive me." And then the echoing blast as the bullet entered.
He shot himself in the chest. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to feel the
pain. To make him forget what he had just lost. "NO!" I screamed. I caught
him before he fell. He's still with me. "Hold on, Daniel. Don't let go."
Gently I lay him down and grab my phone. His was to far away, so I grabbed
mine from my pocket. I tell the operator everything that she needed to know
and hung up the phone. I know, it's not the smartest thing to do, but, I
wasn't really in the best frame of mind.
I plug the whole with my hand. The blood is seeping through my fingers,
pouring over and onto the carpet. I strip my jacket and replace it from my
hand. I hear the sirens coming. I don't know it all happened in a blur.
The next thing that I know, is they're pulling me off him and loading him
into the back.
I hop in and hold my breath, praying harder than I've ever before that he
would make it. They rush him into the OR and now I have to wait.
***************************
Carter is keeping an eye on me, I can feel her. She slipped her arm around
my back. I know I'm about to loose it. I don't want to, but it's about to
happen. I guess she can sense it, because before the dam breaks, she drags
me outside. It's dark and cold. Not that I feel the cold, I just make note
of it because I can see Sam's breath.
I lean up against the wall in this forgotten ally. Sam stands in front of me,
trying to read my thoughts. I don't even know where to start talking. I don't
want to start talking about this. Because I know that if I talk about what's
going on, then I know that I'll break; I can't break.
"Sir, what happened tonight?" She asks me taking a step closer. I didn't
really tell her anything when she got to the hospital. I told her some, just
not the details.
***************************
I knew that it was time. I needed to cal Sam. Again, I pulled out my cell
phone and with shaky fingers dialed her number. "Hello?" She answered. "Sam?
It's uh, Jack."
"Sir, what's wrong?" I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. "Sam,
Daniel, he...he's in the hospital." "Hold on, okay? I'll be right there."
With that she disconnected the line. There I waited. While I awaited Sam's
arrival, I took the liberty in informing General Hammond. He brought Teal'c
and Doc. Frasier along with him.
**************************
"I went to the bathroom for about five minutes and when he came back out
he had the gun in his hand." I begin, my eyes going everywhere except Sam's
gaze. "I tried to talk him out of it, Sam. I..." That's it, that did it.
The tears are now falling down my cheeks. "I couldn't stop him. He said that
he was sorry and to forgive him." I slid down the brick wall and wrap myself
in a ball. I feel Sam help me back up. "Listen to me. This is not your fault.
Okay?" She pulled me into a hug and we both cry in each other arms.
I know I shouldn't blame myself for this, but I do. Somehow I can't help but
think that if I tried a little harder in getting the gun away from him, we
could have talked about it. I pull away from her and look her for the first
time in the eyes. "I just don't know if I can take someone else that I love
dying from a self inflicted gun shot, Sam. I just don't know if I can take
it."
I wrap my arms around her and let it out. She holds me like a mother would
a sick child; gently rocking me from side to side, as if that would take all
my pain away. "Listen to me, Jack." She tell me, cupping my face in her
hands.
"Daniel is going to pull through this. I know he is. He's always come through
before, remember?" I nod my head yes. Then her cell phone rings. "Yeah?" She
asks. I watch her face as the voice on the other end speaks. "Okay, thank
you." She hung up the phone and placed it back in her pocket. "The doctors
out. He's waiting for us." She takes my hand and leads me inside, holding it
all the way. She didn't even make a move to drop it when we re-entered the
waiting room.
"How is he, Doctor?" General Hammond voices, a hint of concern there. "He made
it out of the surgery okay. He lost a lot of blood, but other than that, he
didn't suffer that much damage." Sam squeezes my hand. A silent 'I told you
so.' "Can I see him, please?" I ask. I really don't care how desperate I sound
but at the moment, I couldn't give a tiny white rat's ass.
"Yeah. But only one at a time."
"Stay in there for as long as you like, son." General Hammond tells me. I
give him a quite smile of gratitude. "Is he awake?" I ask, not really
expecting him to be. "He may be by now. Guess we'll just have to find out."
The rest of the way was done in silence. He leaves me at the door and I watch
him go down the hall. Once I have run out of excuses to not go in, I enter.
What do you know, he awake. "Hey." I say, not really knowing what else that
I can say. "Hey." He echoes. I sit down beside him and take his hand in mine.
"How you doing?"
"As good as can be expected."
He takes a deep breath before adding.
"Jack, I didn't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't know what the hell
came over me back there."
"It's okay, Danny." I look at the floor, not the smartest thing to do.
"No, it's not. I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't mean to put you through all of
that again. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I'm...sorry."
I wipe some fresh tears that have fallen. "We'll talk about it later, Danny.
Rest." Softly I rub his forehead, knocking out the hair that had fallen in
his eyes. "Jack? Don't leave. Stay here, please." I tighten my grip on his
hand. "I'm not going anywhere, Danny. Ever."
Should I write more?
I think that this is one of the worst moments of my life. It really makes the
top two. Ever since Charlie died, I've never felt thins much pain, this much
anger, this much...of anything. There in there doing everything that they
can for him. I hope that he'll be okay.
**************************
"Jack, she's gone." He tells me, tears still running freely down his face.
"I know." I answer him wiping them away. I take him into a hug, one that he
really needs. I take him back to his place and stay with him. I don't know
why but I didn't want to leave him. He didn't seem to mind, he'd do it with
or without me there.
"Danny, come on. Don't do this. Give me the gun." I tell him. My heart begins
to race and my body to shake. I ignore the growing feeling of what I know is
about to happen. "I can't Jack. Don't you see? I can't live without her."
I blink through my own tears as I try to control the situation. It had been
three days since Sha're's death. I knew that he was taking it bad, but I
didn't know that he would go this far. I have to try to stop him. "Danny,
please. Just give me the gun. Okay? I can help you, let me help you. I know
how it is, Danny. I know, I get it." He grips the gun tighter. "Good-bye,
Jack. Please forgive me." And then the echoing blast as the bullet entered.
He shot himself in the chest. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to feel the
pain. To make him forget what he had just lost. "NO!" I screamed. I caught
him before he fell. He's still with me. "Hold on, Daniel. Don't let go."
Gently I lay him down and grab my phone. His was to far away, so I grabbed
mine from my pocket. I tell the operator everything that she needed to know
and hung up the phone. I know, it's not the smartest thing to do, but, I
wasn't really in the best frame of mind.
I plug the whole with my hand. The blood is seeping through my fingers,
pouring over and onto the carpet. I strip my jacket and replace it from my
hand. I hear the sirens coming. I don't know it all happened in a blur.
The next thing that I know, is they're pulling me off him and loading him
into the back.
I hop in and hold my breath, praying harder than I've ever before that he
would make it. They rush him into the OR and now I have to wait.
***************************
Carter is keeping an eye on me, I can feel her. She slipped her arm around
my back. I know I'm about to loose it. I don't want to, but it's about to
happen. I guess she can sense it, because before the dam breaks, she drags
me outside. It's dark and cold. Not that I feel the cold, I just make note
of it because I can see Sam's breath.
I lean up against the wall in this forgotten ally. Sam stands in front of me,
trying to read my thoughts. I don't even know where to start talking. I don't
want to start talking about this. Because I know that if I talk about what's
going on, then I know that I'll break; I can't break.
"Sir, what happened tonight?" She asks me taking a step closer. I didn't
really tell her anything when she got to the hospital. I told her some, just
not the details.
***************************
I knew that it was time. I needed to cal Sam. Again, I pulled out my cell
phone and with shaky fingers dialed her number. "Hello?" She answered. "Sam?
It's uh, Jack."
"Sir, what's wrong?" I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. "Sam,
Daniel, he...he's in the hospital." "Hold on, okay? I'll be right there."
With that she disconnected the line. There I waited. While I awaited Sam's
arrival, I took the liberty in informing General Hammond. He brought Teal'c
and Doc. Frasier along with him.
**************************
"I went to the bathroom for about five minutes and when he came back out
he had the gun in his hand." I begin, my eyes going everywhere except Sam's
gaze. "I tried to talk him out of it, Sam. I..." That's it, that did it.
The tears are now falling down my cheeks. "I couldn't stop him. He said that
he was sorry and to forgive him." I slid down the brick wall and wrap myself
in a ball. I feel Sam help me back up. "Listen to me. This is not your fault.
Okay?" She pulled me into a hug and we both cry in each other arms.
I know I shouldn't blame myself for this, but I do. Somehow I can't help but
think that if I tried a little harder in getting the gun away from him, we
could have talked about it. I pull away from her and look her for the first
time in the eyes. "I just don't know if I can take someone else that I love
dying from a self inflicted gun shot, Sam. I just don't know if I can take
it."
I wrap my arms around her and let it out. She holds me like a mother would
a sick child; gently rocking me from side to side, as if that would take all
my pain away. "Listen to me, Jack." She tell me, cupping my face in her
hands.
"Daniel is going to pull through this. I know he is. He's always come through
before, remember?" I nod my head yes. Then her cell phone rings. "Yeah?" She
asks. I watch her face as the voice on the other end speaks. "Okay, thank
you." She hung up the phone and placed it back in her pocket. "The doctors
out. He's waiting for us." She takes my hand and leads me inside, holding it
all the way. She didn't even make a move to drop it when we re-entered the
waiting room.
"How is he, Doctor?" General Hammond voices, a hint of concern there. "He made
it out of the surgery okay. He lost a lot of blood, but other than that, he
didn't suffer that much damage." Sam squeezes my hand. A silent 'I told you
so.' "Can I see him, please?" I ask. I really don't care how desperate I sound
but at the moment, I couldn't give a tiny white rat's ass.
"Yeah. But only one at a time."
"Stay in there for as long as you like, son." General Hammond tells me. I
give him a quite smile of gratitude. "Is he awake?" I ask, not really
expecting him to be. "He may be by now. Guess we'll just have to find out."
The rest of the way was done in silence. He leaves me at the door and I watch
him go down the hall. Once I have run out of excuses to not go in, I enter.
What do you know, he awake. "Hey." I say, not really knowing what else that
I can say. "Hey." He echoes. I sit down beside him and take his hand in mine.
"How you doing?"
"As good as can be expected."
He takes a deep breath before adding.
"Jack, I didn't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't know what the hell
came over me back there."
"It's okay, Danny." I look at the floor, not the smartest thing to do.
"No, it's not. I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't mean to put you through all of
that again. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I'm...sorry."
I wipe some fresh tears that have fallen. "We'll talk about it later, Danny.
Rest." Softly I rub his forehead, knocking out the hair that had fallen in
his eyes. "Jack? Don't leave. Stay here, please." I tighten my grip on his
hand. "I'm not going anywhere, Danny. Ever."
Should I write more?