Chapter Two
Thoughts From A Broken Heart
The most embarrassing and heart-wrenching moment of my life occurred earlier this evening. And so, here I sit—alone—at my desk, just wondering where I went wrong. I'm a former Watcher, so one would assume that I would have at least seen it coming. But of course not. I had my head too firmly planted up my arse to see it, bright as day though it was.
I sigh and look down at my hands that have been trembling non-stop since stumbling upon Gunn and Fred being intimate with one another at the ballet. I do believe that my heart has actually broken into pieces after that sight. I just never expected Gunn to do such a thing…
But really, what did he do?
He followed his heart and didn't hesitate when he saw what he wanted. And I do believe that all I have ever done in my life is hesitate. Never the bloke with the speedy plan in the face of danger. Always the blundering ponce that freezes just long enough to get himself killed. Maybe my father was right about me. Maybe I am doomed to failure here, but I've nothing to go back to England for.
So here I stay, looking out into the lobby at the love whom I should have claimed long ago, and the man who isn't me, sitting at her side.
I want to do something at this very moment, be it cry or shout out the unfairness of the ridiculous situation, or resort to violence with the man I had come to endear as my friend. My eyes grow blurry just staring at them talking on the couch like lovebirds, completely oblivious to the world around them.
And then there's the other newly happy couple of Cordelia and Groosalugg who have chosen to make their conversation, in between lengthy kisses, on the staircase.
At one time I hadn't believed Cordelia. That we were meant to be alone, but I believe it now. Relationships for us do not lead to dreamy conversations on a cottage porch over afternoon tea and scones. Relationships lead to pain and regret and for some of us, even death.
Even just thinking of love's pains I sadden a little bit more, and I can feel my frown unintentionally slip lower and lower until I feel as if it will slip right off my chin. I do not know how long I have been sitting at my desk alone, but no one seems to notice. They never do, and I partly do not blame them. I know this is not the time to chastise myself, but at the same time it is. I now have a reason to 'brood' and I bloody well am going to take advantage of it.
Which takes me to my next worry.
Angel.
I cannot begin to fathom what he is feeling at this moment… Actually I very well can fully understand exactly how he feels at this moment. We have both seen the women we love, flock to someone that is not us.
I noticed Lorne talking to Angel earlier, but I know Angel hadn't heard a word of it. He was too busy having his heart ripped out of his body and thrown to the floor to understand the 'why's' and 'how's' of the situation.
Immediately he had retreated to his room, one would assume rather insightfully, to brood about Cordelia. That poor girl didn't have the faintest clue how he felt for her. Do not get me wrong, I love Cordelia as if she were family, but she is rather dim-witted when it comes to matters of the heart.
I sigh once again, as I have probably done quite a few thousand times since I've been sitting at my desk, and decide to make a trip upstairs to check on Angel.
I stand quietly, and manage to make my way past Fred and Gunn without attempting to behead Charles, and slip by Cordelia unnoticed. As usual.
I make my way to Angel's room, not having the faintest clue what I shall say. But, Lord knows we really do not need him retreating back into himself as he did last year. I just hope he's not in a fighting mood, because I for one, know I am not in the mood to be a sodding punching bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think my bad attitude juju over 'Waiting In The Wings' has spawned into more than a one-part rant… I think the plot bunnies are coming to take me away – HAHA HEHE HOHO… To the funny farm where life is wonderful… Let me know what you think, remember I'm a feedback slut! That right you heard me, so give it to me big boy! :)
Thoughts From A Broken Heart
The most embarrassing and heart-wrenching moment of my life occurred earlier this evening. And so, here I sit—alone—at my desk, just wondering where I went wrong. I'm a former Watcher, so one would assume that I would have at least seen it coming. But of course not. I had my head too firmly planted up my arse to see it, bright as day though it was.
I sigh and look down at my hands that have been trembling non-stop since stumbling upon Gunn and Fred being intimate with one another at the ballet. I do believe that my heart has actually broken into pieces after that sight. I just never expected Gunn to do such a thing…
But really, what did he do?
He followed his heart and didn't hesitate when he saw what he wanted. And I do believe that all I have ever done in my life is hesitate. Never the bloke with the speedy plan in the face of danger. Always the blundering ponce that freezes just long enough to get himself killed. Maybe my father was right about me. Maybe I am doomed to failure here, but I've nothing to go back to England for.
So here I stay, looking out into the lobby at the love whom I should have claimed long ago, and the man who isn't me, sitting at her side.
I want to do something at this very moment, be it cry or shout out the unfairness of the ridiculous situation, or resort to violence with the man I had come to endear as my friend. My eyes grow blurry just staring at them talking on the couch like lovebirds, completely oblivious to the world around them.
And then there's the other newly happy couple of Cordelia and Groosalugg who have chosen to make their conversation, in between lengthy kisses, on the staircase.
At one time I hadn't believed Cordelia. That we were meant to be alone, but I believe it now. Relationships for us do not lead to dreamy conversations on a cottage porch over afternoon tea and scones. Relationships lead to pain and regret and for some of us, even death.
Even just thinking of love's pains I sadden a little bit more, and I can feel my frown unintentionally slip lower and lower until I feel as if it will slip right off my chin. I do not know how long I have been sitting at my desk alone, but no one seems to notice. They never do, and I partly do not blame them. I know this is not the time to chastise myself, but at the same time it is. I now have a reason to 'brood' and I bloody well am going to take advantage of it.
Which takes me to my next worry.
Angel.
I cannot begin to fathom what he is feeling at this moment… Actually I very well can fully understand exactly how he feels at this moment. We have both seen the women we love, flock to someone that is not us.
I noticed Lorne talking to Angel earlier, but I know Angel hadn't heard a word of it. He was too busy having his heart ripped out of his body and thrown to the floor to understand the 'why's' and 'how's' of the situation.
Immediately he had retreated to his room, one would assume rather insightfully, to brood about Cordelia. That poor girl didn't have the faintest clue how he felt for her. Do not get me wrong, I love Cordelia as if she were family, but she is rather dim-witted when it comes to matters of the heart.
I sigh once again, as I have probably done quite a few thousand times since I've been sitting at my desk, and decide to make a trip upstairs to check on Angel.
I stand quietly, and manage to make my way past Fred and Gunn without attempting to behead Charles, and slip by Cordelia unnoticed. As usual.
I make my way to Angel's room, not having the faintest clue what I shall say. But, Lord knows we really do not need him retreating back into himself as he did last year. I just hope he's not in a fighting mood, because I for one, know I am not in the mood to be a sodding punching bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think my bad attitude juju over 'Waiting In The Wings' has spawned into more than a one-part rant… I think the plot bunnies are coming to take me away – HAHA HEHE HOHO… To the funny farm where life is wonderful… Let me know what you think, remember I'm a feedback slut! That right you heard me, so give it to me big boy! :)