A/N: Thanks for all the reviews... Gee, I feel so special! *sniffles* =) All of your feedback really helped. I still don't know exactly where I'm taking it, so I hope this is good.
A/N2: I've never incorporated songs into my fics before, but I was on a Portishead binge tonight, and these two songs just seemed to fit perfectly, and they're my two fave's so I couldn't resist.
*Song's are defined by :::::::::::::::::::::::: at top and bottom.*
The first song is titled "All Mine"--I thought this fit a LOT of the characters, it should be obvious...
The second song is titled "Undenied" - This is such an Angel song, I thought it fit his feelings perfectly.
*If you ever have the urge to go out and buy their CD, both songs are off their self-titled album "Portishead"*
Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Joss & Co. own all Angel-related stuff, and the members of the God-like band Portishead own all their own lyrics. I'm so pathetic I have to get my jollies off using other people's stuff, but just wait, one day I will take over the world. =)
Last Note: All flashbacks are defined by =+=+=+=+=+ at top and bottom. Bear with me, `cause I can't do italics or bold or anything fancy. What a pain in my arse. =(
**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**
Waited For Love To Pass Me By
Chapter Four
Afterthought
AKA: The Day After
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
all the stars may shine bright
all the clouds may be white
but when you smile
oh, how I feel so good
that I can hardly wait
to hold you
enfold you
never enough
render your heart to me
all mine
you have to be
from that cloud, number nine
danger starts the sharp incline
and such sad regrets
oh, as those starry skies
as they swiftly fall
make no mistake
you shan't escape
tethered and tied
there's nowhere to hide from me
all mine
you have to be
so don't resist
we shall exist
until the day
until the day I die
all mine
you have to be.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The hotel remained unearthly quiet for most of the day. Cordelia never thought much about slow days, but it wasn't just the lack of business today. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something seemed wrong. Yesterday everyone was so full of life, but today everyone was preoccupied. Either with themselves, or with someone else. Fred and Gunn were a good example. Cordelia thought for sure it was in the bag for Wesley, but what a turn of events.
Cordelia felt a soft hand touch her arm and she immediately thought it was Angel. She had been wanting to talk to him again but he made his presence sparse today for some reason. She turned her head to see Groo looking at her with loving eyes, and for a fraction of a second, her dreamy smile faltered.
"Princess?"
"Yes, Groo?" Her faltered smile was quickly replaced with a new, brighter one as she looked at Groo, smiling at her.
"Are you ok? You looked to be elsewhere."
"Oh no, sweetie. I'm great!" Cordelia beamed at him with genuine enthusiasm, but there was still something that bothered her. She remembered what Skip had said to her on her birthday. She felt as if she left the oven on, or needed to call someone back, but couldn't remember who. She quickly lost her train of thought as she heard Connor start to cry in her arms. She looked down at him, cooing gently and rocking him back and forth.
"I'll put him down, he's probably tired." Angel came out of nowhere into the lobby and reached for his crying son.
Cordelia gently pulled back and turned toward the stairs. "Don't worry, Angel. I can get him." Cordelia once again turned her attention to the baby, whose cries had softened, and had turned into post-fit hiccups and yawns. "Auntie Cordy can take you up to go ny-ny's huh Connor? That's right she can!"
Cordelia disappeared upstairs and Angel took one look at Groo before spinning on his heel and returning to wherever he had come from.
*****************************************
Cordelia laid Connor down on Angel's bed, and began to take off his jacket when that nagging feeling returned to her. She still couldn't put a finger on what it was, but now thoughts of last night started to plague her for the first time.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice?"
"Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam."
"What did you say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not stupid."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Connor looked up at Cordelia with dark brown eyes. Just like his father. Cordelia smiled for no reason at the thought, and picked up his jacket to set it on the chair by Angel's bed. Something in the trash caught Cordelia's attention as the light from the lamp shined onto it. She dropped the jacket on the chair and reached into the wastebasket and picked up the small box.
Connor whined at her, catching her attention, so she shrugged and set the small box on the nightstand. Forgetting all about the tingly-nagging feeling she had, she turned back to Connor and lifted him up in her arms before setting him back on the pillows, and she climbed onto the bed next to him. She gently cooed at him again, thinking of how different she is now. Even just two years ago, Cordelia would have scoffed at anyone who told her she'd find ultimate happiness laying with, and gently talking to, a baby. She used to hate babies, but somehow Connor just affected her, and she almost wished he could be hers. She even loved him and treated him like he *was* hers, but she always knew she'd be a poor substitute for the real thing. Even if that real thing was an evil 400 year-old vampire.
Cordelia rubbed Connor's tummy and watched his eyelids slowly drooping and popping back open, struggling to stay awake and look at her. Finally, Connor succumbed to sleep, his eyelids sliding down until they closed and didn't open again. Cordelia just watched him, a lazy smile spreading across her lips before she followed in Connor's footsteps. Slowly her eyes drifted closed, and she slept there with Connor, her arm protectively hugging him against her chest.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"Angel?... I want you... To undress me..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The memories of her and Angel in the dressing room played over and over in Cordelia's dreams, and she sighed contentedly.
Angel watched Cordelia with Connor from the doorway. He sighed as he tried to burn the image into his brain of her with his baby boy, her arm protectively yet softly draped over Connor. Trying to shield him from the outside world. He always thought she looked so perfect when she was with him, but he knew it wouldn't last long now. Soon she'd have to forget about him and Connor and have her own life, and his Cordy would leave. He leaned against the heavy wooden frame, playing the events of yesterday over in his mind. He'd been thinking about it all day, and had dreamt about it all last night.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You're a man of many limitations, Angel... But you're a man."
"What have I got to offer her?"
"Do I even have to answer that?"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Cordelia stirred lazily in her sleep, still dreaming, still feeling that nagging sensation that would not let its grip on her be compromised.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"... and then we have to find a dress for you... something that will make Angel crazy."
"Fred, sweetie, Angel *is* crazy."
"I know he's gonna want to look his best for you..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Slowly, Cordelia stirred and laid herself flat on her back. She rubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the dreamy haze that distorted her vision. She looked back at Connor, still happily dreaming away next to her. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep, so she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, looking at the clock on the nightstand.
The silver box once again caught her attention, and once again she felt that tingling at the base of her neck. She shivered slightly, and reached out for the box. She slowly took it in her hands, contemplating whether to open it. Something deep inside her said she remembered this box from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. Still staring at the box, Cordelia scowled. She hated this déjà vu feeling she seemed to be plagued with all day, and truth be told, it was starting to freak her out.
With a heavily dramatic sigh, she succumbed to her curiosity and lifted the top off the box. For a few seconds, she stared at its contents, not sure what to make of it. Finally, she removed the small gold locket from its bedding and held it up to the light. Reflections off the polished finish bounced off Cordelia's face as she stared at what was obviously a gift for someone. She set the box on the bed, and took the heart-shaped locket into her hands. Slowly, she ran hers finger across the swirled engravings on the front, and turned it over in her small hands. She almost gasped when she saw the back.
Inscribed with swirled lettering was the phrase, "To Cordy, With Love"
It was for her.
It was from Angel, for her.
And it was in the garbage.
Confusion swept across Cordelia's face as she stared at the tiny inscription.
Why had he thrown it away? It was beautiful.
She finally opened the locket to see if there was anything inside, and she let out a small sob as she stared at a tiny picture of Connor, shortly after he was born. Small tears began to seep out of her eyes and run down her cheeks as she continued to stare at the most beautiful thing in the world. She couldn't believe it had ended up in the garbage, maybe it was a mistake. Angel had to know that she would have loved this gift.
"To Cordy, With Love"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"... hey, it's awkward but it's not us... as long as nothing is removed or--inserted... it's all forgotten."
"But it *is* us, Cordelia... it's you and me... kissing you, it's... it's not something I can just..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The tingling at the base of Cordelia's neck spread through her entire body, and she hummed with energy and feelings that she didn't understand.
She didn't understand any of this.
She stared at the locket in her hands, focusing again on the inscriptions, "With Love"... It raced around and around in her mind but for some reason, she couldn't reach out and grab it. It just kept spinning and making her dizzy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"What?! Was it like--*disgusting*?!"
"I would, I would just want... if we were to... I-I would just want it to be... new... start at the beginning."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Angel watched Cordelia from his spot in the doorway.
He didn't know what to feel, or say, or do.
Should he walk away? Should he go to her and tell her everything? Should he go to her, but say nothing?
He stayed. Unmoving, he watched her curiosity at the small box, turn to confusion as she opened it, to joy when she looked at the back. He watched her tears and her slowly fading smile. Then he saw the hurt on her face.
Angel's eyesight started to blur with the tears that threatened to flow, as he saw Cordelia look up from the locket for the first time in what seemed an eternity. As if she sensed him, her hazel eyes immediately found Angel, and her gaze quickly focused on his pained brown eyes.
"...Angel...?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
your softly spoken words
release my whole desire
undenied
totally
and so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
beneath your tender touch
my senses can't divide
oh so strong
my desire
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
now that I've found you
and seen behind those eyes
how can I
carry on
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
belong, belong, belong
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A new wave of tears flowed down her flushed cheeks, and finally Angel's own unshed tears managed to break free.
*****************************************************************
Even I had to sob... is this sad? I didn't realize I made it so... dramatic... geez, I need therapy.
Let me know what you think. =)
A/N2: I've never incorporated songs into my fics before, but I was on a Portishead binge tonight, and these two songs just seemed to fit perfectly, and they're my two fave's so I couldn't resist.
*Song's are defined by :::::::::::::::::::::::: at top and bottom.*
The first song is titled "All Mine"--I thought this fit a LOT of the characters, it should be obvious...
The second song is titled "Undenied" - This is such an Angel song, I thought it fit his feelings perfectly.
*If you ever have the urge to go out and buy their CD, both songs are off their self-titled album "Portishead"*
Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Joss & Co. own all Angel-related stuff, and the members of the God-like band Portishead own all their own lyrics. I'm so pathetic I have to get my jollies off using other people's stuff, but just wait, one day I will take over the world. =)
Last Note: All flashbacks are defined by =+=+=+=+=+ at top and bottom. Bear with me, `cause I can't do italics or bold or anything fancy. What a pain in my arse. =(
**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**
Waited For Love To Pass Me By
Chapter Four
Afterthought
AKA: The Day After
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
all the stars may shine bright
all the clouds may be white
but when you smile
oh, how I feel so good
that I can hardly wait
to hold you
enfold you
never enough
render your heart to me
all mine
you have to be
from that cloud, number nine
danger starts the sharp incline
and such sad regrets
oh, as those starry skies
as they swiftly fall
make no mistake
you shan't escape
tethered and tied
there's nowhere to hide from me
all mine
you have to be
so don't resist
we shall exist
until the day
until the day I die
all mine
you have to be.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The hotel remained unearthly quiet for most of the day. Cordelia never thought much about slow days, but it wasn't just the lack of business today. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something seemed wrong. Yesterday everyone was so full of life, but today everyone was preoccupied. Either with themselves, or with someone else. Fred and Gunn were a good example. Cordelia thought for sure it was in the bag for Wesley, but what a turn of events.
Cordelia felt a soft hand touch her arm and she immediately thought it was Angel. She had been wanting to talk to him again but he made his presence sparse today for some reason. She turned her head to see Groo looking at her with loving eyes, and for a fraction of a second, her dreamy smile faltered.
"Princess?"
"Yes, Groo?" Her faltered smile was quickly replaced with a new, brighter one as she looked at Groo, smiling at her.
"Are you ok? You looked to be elsewhere."
"Oh no, sweetie. I'm great!" Cordelia beamed at him with genuine enthusiasm, but there was still something that bothered her. She remembered what Skip had said to her on her birthday. She felt as if she left the oven on, or needed to call someone back, but couldn't remember who. She quickly lost her train of thought as she heard Connor start to cry in her arms. She looked down at him, cooing gently and rocking him back and forth.
"I'll put him down, he's probably tired." Angel came out of nowhere into the lobby and reached for his crying son.
Cordelia gently pulled back and turned toward the stairs. "Don't worry, Angel. I can get him." Cordelia once again turned her attention to the baby, whose cries had softened, and had turned into post-fit hiccups and yawns. "Auntie Cordy can take you up to go ny-ny's huh Connor? That's right she can!"
Cordelia disappeared upstairs and Angel took one look at Groo before spinning on his heel and returning to wherever he had come from.
*****************************************
Cordelia laid Connor down on Angel's bed, and began to take off his jacket when that nagging feeling returned to her. She still couldn't put a finger on what it was, but now thoughts of last night started to plague her for the first time.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice?"
"Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam."
"What did you say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not stupid."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Connor looked up at Cordelia with dark brown eyes. Just like his father. Cordelia smiled for no reason at the thought, and picked up his jacket to set it on the chair by Angel's bed. Something in the trash caught Cordelia's attention as the light from the lamp shined onto it. She dropped the jacket on the chair and reached into the wastebasket and picked up the small box.
Connor whined at her, catching her attention, so she shrugged and set the small box on the nightstand. Forgetting all about the tingly-nagging feeling she had, she turned back to Connor and lifted him up in her arms before setting him back on the pillows, and she climbed onto the bed next to him. She gently cooed at him again, thinking of how different she is now. Even just two years ago, Cordelia would have scoffed at anyone who told her she'd find ultimate happiness laying with, and gently talking to, a baby. She used to hate babies, but somehow Connor just affected her, and she almost wished he could be hers. She even loved him and treated him like he *was* hers, but she always knew she'd be a poor substitute for the real thing. Even if that real thing was an evil 400 year-old vampire.
Cordelia rubbed Connor's tummy and watched his eyelids slowly drooping and popping back open, struggling to stay awake and look at her. Finally, Connor succumbed to sleep, his eyelids sliding down until they closed and didn't open again. Cordelia just watched him, a lazy smile spreading across her lips before she followed in Connor's footsteps. Slowly her eyes drifted closed, and she slept there with Connor, her arm protectively hugging him against her chest.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"Angel?... I want you... To undress me..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The memories of her and Angel in the dressing room played over and over in Cordelia's dreams, and she sighed contentedly.
Angel watched Cordelia with Connor from the doorway. He sighed as he tried to burn the image into his brain of her with his baby boy, her arm protectively yet softly draped over Connor. Trying to shield him from the outside world. He always thought she looked so perfect when she was with him, but he knew it wouldn't last long now. Soon she'd have to forget about him and Connor and have her own life, and his Cordy would leave. He leaned against the heavy wooden frame, playing the events of yesterday over in his mind. He'd been thinking about it all day, and had dreamt about it all last night.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You're a man of many limitations, Angel... But you're a man."
"What have I got to offer her?"
"Do I even have to answer that?"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Cordelia stirred lazily in her sleep, still dreaming, still feeling that nagging sensation that would not let its grip on her be compromised.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"... and then we have to find a dress for you... something that will make Angel crazy."
"Fred, sweetie, Angel *is* crazy."
"I know he's gonna want to look his best for you..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Slowly, Cordelia stirred and laid herself flat on her back. She rubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the dreamy haze that distorted her vision. She looked back at Connor, still happily dreaming away next to her. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep, so she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, looking at the clock on the nightstand.
The silver box once again caught her attention, and once again she felt that tingling at the base of her neck. She shivered slightly, and reached out for the box. She slowly took it in her hands, contemplating whether to open it. Something deep inside her said she remembered this box from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. Still staring at the box, Cordelia scowled. She hated this déjà vu feeling she seemed to be plagued with all day, and truth be told, it was starting to freak her out.
With a heavily dramatic sigh, she succumbed to her curiosity and lifted the top off the box. For a few seconds, she stared at its contents, not sure what to make of it. Finally, she removed the small gold locket from its bedding and held it up to the light. Reflections off the polished finish bounced off Cordelia's face as she stared at what was obviously a gift for someone. She set the box on the bed, and took the heart-shaped locket into her hands. Slowly, she ran hers finger across the swirled engravings on the front, and turned it over in her small hands. She almost gasped when she saw the back.
Inscribed with swirled lettering was the phrase, "To Cordy, With Love"
It was for her.
It was from Angel, for her.
And it was in the garbage.
Confusion swept across Cordelia's face as she stared at the tiny inscription.
Why had he thrown it away? It was beautiful.
She finally opened the locket to see if there was anything inside, and she let out a small sob as she stared at a tiny picture of Connor, shortly after he was born. Small tears began to seep out of her eyes and run down her cheeks as she continued to stare at the most beautiful thing in the world. She couldn't believe it had ended up in the garbage, maybe it was a mistake. Angel had to know that she would have loved this gift.
"To Cordy, With Love"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"... hey, it's awkward but it's not us... as long as nothing is removed or--inserted... it's all forgotten."
"But it *is* us, Cordelia... it's you and me... kissing you, it's... it's not something I can just..."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The tingling at the base of Cordelia's neck spread through her entire body, and she hummed with energy and feelings that she didn't understand.
She didn't understand any of this.
She stared at the locket in her hands, focusing again on the inscriptions, "With Love"... It raced around and around in her mind but for some reason, she couldn't reach out and grab it. It just kept spinning and making her dizzy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"What?! Was it like--*disgusting*?!"
"I would, I would just want... if we were to... I-I would just want it to be... new... start at the beginning."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Angel watched Cordelia from his spot in the doorway.
He didn't know what to feel, or say, or do.
Should he walk away? Should he go to her and tell her everything? Should he go to her, but say nothing?
He stayed. Unmoving, he watched her curiosity at the small box, turn to confusion as she opened it, to joy when she looked at the back. He watched her tears and her slowly fading smile. Then he saw the hurt on her face.
Angel's eyesight started to blur with the tears that threatened to flow, as he saw Cordelia look up from the locket for the first time in what seemed an eternity. As if she sensed him, her hazel eyes immediately found Angel, and her gaze quickly focused on his pained brown eyes.
"...Angel...?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
your softly spoken words
release my whole desire
undenied
totally
and so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
beneath your tender touch
my senses can't divide
oh so strong
my desire
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
now that I've found you
and seen behind those eyes
how can I
carry on
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
belong, belong, belong
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A new wave of tears flowed down her flushed cheeks, and finally Angel's own unshed tears managed to break free.
*****************************************************************
Even I had to sob... is this sad? I didn't realize I made it so... dramatic... geez, I need therapy.
Let me know what you think. =)