A/N: Ok, I know you don't understand why I put that last chapter where I did... Firstly, it was because I didn't know where I was going to take the story yet, so I guess it was sort of a filler chapter. Secondly, because I can-- I'm the writer dammit and I don't have to make sense if I don't want to! And Thirdly, because I needed some backstory for Cordy's feelings without trying to explain it all in this chapter, since the wonderful `Angel' writers aren't very forthcoming with her feelings for the quirky yet undoubtedly sexy man...pire. And partly because a lot of you wanted fluffiness and since my story's theme doesn't initially scream fluff, I decided that would be a good way to lighten it up without actually lightening it up.
Last but not least, thank you for the feedback. It definitely helps calm the angry puppy. =)
-KAT ^o^
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Chapter Six
Zodiacal Light
"...Angel...?"
Cordelia didn't even know how she managed to whisper that two-syllable word. Her throat was so tight, she couldn't even breathe let alone speak. Well, she didn't speak per se, more like barely made an audible noise. But even still, she knew instantly that he heard her. He looked so sad standing in the doorway, and when his eyes finally connected with hers, she could see the tear slide down his cheek. That was how she knew he heard her. So much emotion was conveyed through that simple whisper, and his tear said the rest.
The thoughts and feelings that were swirling all around in her tired and dizzy brain finally came to a grinding halt.
She was left with one simple word.
One simple emotion to top all emotions.
One simple, yet so painfully complicated emotion.
Love.
She felt it.
All around her.
Inside of her.
In her heart, that was steadily gaining speed and strength inside her oxygen-constricted chest.
And finally, she saw it in his eyes.
Cordelia never thought it would be possible to read someone so plainly. She felt like it had been there all along but she was too stupid to notice it.
She was stupid.
She hadn't noticed it.
All those thoughts that plagued her with the tinglies today, and the dreams... and she didn't even notice.
He was right in front of her last night, trying to tell her. She remembered being mortified when he'd said he wanted to wipe it from his memory, but the rest wasn't even words to her. It was like watching Charlie Brown talking to his parents. She managed to squeeze out a witty comeback to something he said, but she was too busy trying not to cry, she didn't even hear him. She had jumped to the conclusion that this was going to be his "just friends" speech with the extra pain of hearing him say, "I don't feel that way about you".
Then she caught sight of Groo.
He had been that miracle she was waiting for.
The famous one that everyone swears to and actually never adheres to because 99% of the time it doesn't come true anyway. The "God, I promise if you get me out of this I swear I'll never ask for anything again in my life!" miracle. And there he appeared on the landing, in all his miracle-y glory.
In an inane attempt to cover her quickly faltering facade, she swept right past Angel and fell right into Groo's arms.
But, he was no Angel.
Actually, he was *an* angel, but not *the* Angel. Not the one she wanted anyway.
Well, he *was* her `miracle angel' until now, when all the little trivial pieces fell into place. Then came the click. The one Fred always used to talk about. When everything starts to make sense and the picture takes shape, and then you realize how stupid you are because it was right in front of your face and you couldn't see it until now.
The locket in the garbage.
Angel avoiding her all day.
The way Angel had acted all night last night.
Hell, the way he'd acted around her for months now.
And who could forget the general depressed air that now filled the hotel to capacity.
Cordelia visibly shuddered at the thought. What could he be possibly feeling right now? Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Or all of the above... Cordelia felt a new wave of guilt wash over her, making the room topple over and spin. Then she realized she was holding her breath. She quickly let go of the air she unconsciously held in her lungs, and the room slowly stopped spinning. She found Angel again, still in the doorway. He was like a statue, unmoving. Cordelia didn't know how long they had been there like that, just staring at each other... but it must've only been a few seconds, because Angel responds to her.
"Cordy." The word was dripping with emotion even to her normal human ears. She heard it, and she felt it. Pain. The word resonated in her head. It sent shivers violently through her body and she wanted to start crying all over again. She had been the cause of the pain that was so evident in just that one little word.
She didn't know what to say or do. Where do you even begin to try to explain? She had hurt him. How do you make up for that? Finally, Angel took the initiative and moved for the first time in what felt like an eternity to both of them.
He started to step forward, but his foot hesitated mid-step. Angel recoiled his leg and took a step back into the hallway instead. Then he turned and practically flew down the corridor to destinations unknown, leaving Cordelia still on his bed.
She knew then that she was wrong.
The click in her brain had been wrong.
He didn't love her.
She had been foolish to think he loved her.
He was probably so mortified that she could think he loved her that he panicked and fled.
Her own panic swept her away, quickly forgetting the tear he had shed, and the palpable feeling of love and pain that had hung on his simple word.
New tears flooded out of her already burning and red eyes, and she didn't even bother to control the sob that leapt out of her aching throat. Cordelia doubled over in agony, clutching the locket so tight it punctured her skin. She didn't feel the pain in her hand, only the one in her now broken heart. She gripped the locket tighter, holding it to her chest. She slowly starting rocking herself back and forth, shaking uncontrollably, letting her burning tears go unchecked and her heartbreaking sobs and gasps for air fill the now empty room. The room that just moments before was filled with so much emotion, was now barren of all life.
Because at that moment, Cordelia's heart ceased to beat.
~~~~~~~~~
She didn't see the figure standing in the doorway.
She didn't hear the soft footfalls that cautiously moved forward towards the bed.
She didn't feel the mattress dip, as a large weight settled next to her.
She didn't notice anything until she felt the hands on her shoulders, applying firm yet soothing pressure to her shuddering form.
Still wracked with sobs, eyes burning and red from her tears, Cordelia looked up and into the eyes of Wesley. He had unshed tears in his own eyes from just looking at her. She just held his gaze, and slowly her chest starting heaving, struggling for more oxygen. She felt like she was drowning, couldn't get enough air in her burning lungs, and she let out a soft whimper before throwing herself into his chest.
Wesley silently gathered her in his arms, holding onto her for dear life, trying to soothe her with soft `hushes' and fatherly kisses applied to the top of her head. He let her cry, soaking his shirt through and through and he didn't care. There was so much emotion in her he'd never seen in all his years of knowing her, and all he could do was hold tight.
Her frantic sobs and gasps for air finally calmed into the occasional muffled whimper or hiccup of breath before she pulled away from him to wipe at her eyes. He noticed then the blood that had dried on her enclosed palm. He took her hand in his and opened her tiny white fist, revealing a gold locket.
"It was in the garbage." Cordelia dropped her head, chin resting on her chest in defeat. "I thought it was supposed to be for me, to show me he loved me... but he doesn't... now..."
She started to sob again, but quickly clenched her teeth together willing herself to stop. She had to get it out before she lost her courage. She inhaled quickly before continuing in a barely audible whisper, "now... I lost him... I never had him to begin with, but now it's too late."
Wesley, who had remained silent throughout their exchange, finally reacted to her words. "What?"
She continued, ignoring or not hearing his question. Not seeing the surprised expression on his face. "I don't know what happened. How did it get so wrong?" Cordelia pleaded her question to him, finally raising her head to meet Wesley square in the eyes. Her own teary orbs silently pleading with him to have an answer. An answer of hope, or just something she could believe in.
"Honestly, I don't know." Wesley's answer not only rang true for her situation but his as well. He had to ask himself the same thing about Fred. `How did it get so wrong?' He saw the crushed look in her eyes before amending his statement, taking her empty hand in his and holding tight. "But you need to talk to him. I don't believe it's as hopeless as you think. But you'll never answer any of your questions if you don't talk to him."
"I can't. There's just so much I don't know. I've made such an ass of myself already. I don't know how he feels about me, or if he's angry or hurt, or if he doesn't even care." She knew that last part didn't have a shred of honesty in it, but she just didn't know. She felt like she didn't know anything anymore. How could she talk to him if she didn't even know how he felt about her?
"You know that's not true. You know it. Don't do that Cordelia. Don't belittle yourself. You know what you mean to him." Wesley's voice took on a hardened edge beneath the soft surface. Scolding her for even thinking Angel didn't care. "Go talk to him."
"I don't know where he is, and I can't leave Connor." She spared a glance behind her toward the still silent baby on the bed, and she felt another wave of tears trying to break free.
"It's daylight and being as he won't stray too far from the little chap, I'm fairly sure he's still here. I'm also fairly certain you know where he'll be."
Cordelia nodded in acknowledgement. She did know exactly where he was, and exactly what he'd be doing.
"Go to him. I'll watch Connor."
A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips before vanishing, to be replaced once again by her solemn frown. Wesley gently cupped her cheeks in his hands, looking into her eyes with understanding and love, and then kissed her forehead.
"When did you get so smart?" Cordelia whispered at him when he pulled back, and he smiled.
"Beginning to wonder that myself."
Without another word, she silently removed herself from the bed, quickly making her way to the doorway, where she paused to look back at him.
He gave her a reassuring nod before she half-smiled back at him, and then turned to leave.
~~~~~~~
To Be Continued
If anyone is wondering about the title of the chapter, I just happened to be going through my Webster's (I seem to be doing that a lot lately....*shrug*) and I found it. The definition is really interesting, basically it's the glow on the horizon before sunrise or after sunset. I know I'm melodramatic, but it seemed to make sense in a metaphorical way. Or whatever. Hope you enjoyed... next part coming soon, promise.
-KAT ^o^
Last but not least, thank you for the feedback. It definitely helps calm the angry puppy. =)
-KAT ^o^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Chapter Six
Zodiacal Light
"...Angel...?"
Cordelia didn't even know how she managed to whisper that two-syllable word. Her throat was so tight, she couldn't even breathe let alone speak. Well, she didn't speak per se, more like barely made an audible noise. But even still, she knew instantly that he heard her. He looked so sad standing in the doorway, and when his eyes finally connected with hers, she could see the tear slide down his cheek. That was how she knew he heard her. So much emotion was conveyed through that simple whisper, and his tear said the rest.
The thoughts and feelings that were swirling all around in her tired and dizzy brain finally came to a grinding halt.
She was left with one simple word.
One simple emotion to top all emotions.
One simple, yet so painfully complicated emotion.
Love.
She felt it.
All around her.
Inside of her.
In her heart, that was steadily gaining speed and strength inside her oxygen-constricted chest.
And finally, she saw it in his eyes.
Cordelia never thought it would be possible to read someone so plainly. She felt like it had been there all along but she was too stupid to notice it.
She was stupid.
She hadn't noticed it.
All those thoughts that plagued her with the tinglies today, and the dreams... and she didn't even notice.
He was right in front of her last night, trying to tell her. She remembered being mortified when he'd said he wanted to wipe it from his memory, but the rest wasn't even words to her. It was like watching Charlie Brown talking to his parents. She managed to squeeze out a witty comeback to something he said, but she was too busy trying not to cry, she didn't even hear him. She had jumped to the conclusion that this was going to be his "just friends" speech with the extra pain of hearing him say, "I don't feel that way about you".
Then she caught sight of Groo.
He had been that miracle she was waiting for.
The famous one that everyone swears to and actually never adheres to because 99% of the time it doesn't come true anyway. The "God, I promise if you get me out of this I swear I'll never ask for anything again in my life!" miracle. And there he appeared on the landing, in all his miracle-y glory.
In an inane attempt to cover her quickly faltering facade, she swept right past Angel and fell right into Groo's arms.
But, he was no Angel.
Actually, he was *an* angel, but not *the* Angel. Not the one she wanted anyway.
Well, he *was* her `miracle angel' until now, when all the little trivial pieces fell into place. Then came the click. The one Fred always used to talk about. When everything starts to make sense and the picture takes shape, and then you realize how stupid you are because it was right in front of your face and you couldn't see it until now.
The locket in the garbage.
Angel avoiding her all day.
The way Angel had acted all night last night.
Hell, the way he'd acted around her for months now.
And who could forget the general depressed air that now filled the hotel to capacity.
Cordelia visibly shuddered at the thought. What could he be possibly feeling right now? Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Or all of the above... Cordelia felt a new wave of guilt wash over her, making the room topple over and spin. Then she realized she was holding her breath. She quickly let go of the air she unconsciously held in her lungs, and the room slowly stopped spinning. She found Angel again, still in the doorway. He was like a statue, unmoving. Cordelia didn't know how long they had been there like that, just staring at each other... but it must've only been a few seconds, because Angel responds to her.
"Cordy." The word was dripping with emotion even to her normal human ears. She heard it, and she felt it. Pain. The word resonated in her head. It sent shivers violently through her body and she wanted to start crying all over again. She had been the cause of the pain that was so evident in just that one little word.
She didn't know what to say or do. Where do you even begin to try to explain? She had hurt him. How do you make up for that? Finally, Angel took the initiative and moved for the first time in what felt like an eternity to both of them.
He started to step forward, but his foot hesitated mid-step. Angel recoiled his leg and took a step back into the hallway instead. Then he turned and practically flew down the corridor to destinations unknown, leaving Cordelia still on his bed.
She knew then that she was wrong.
The click in her brain had been wrong.
He didn't love her.
She had been foolish to think he loved her.
He was probably so mortified that she could think he loved her that he panicked and fled.
Her own panic swept her away, quickly forgetting the tear he had shed, and the palpable feeling of love and pain that had hung on his simple word.
New tears flooded out of her already burning and red eyes, and she didn't even bother to control the sob that leapt out of her aching throat. Cordelia doubled over in agony, clutching the locket so tight it punctured her skin. She didn't feel the pain in her hand, only the one in her now broken heart. She gripped the locket tighter, holding it to her chest. She slowly starting rocking herself back and forth, shaking uncontrollably, letting her burning tears go unchecked and her heartbreaking sobs and gasps for air fill the now empty room. The room that just moments before was filled with so much emotion, was now barren of all life.
Because at that moment, Cordelia's heart ceased to beat.
~~~~~~~~~
She didn't see the figure standing in the doorway.
She didn't hear the soft footfalls that cautiously moved forward towards the bed.
She didn't feel the mattress dip, as a large weight settled next to her.
She didn't notice anything until she felt the hands on her shoulders, applying firm yet soothing pressure to her shuddering form.
Still wracked with sobs, eyes burning and red from her tears, Cordelia looked up and into the eyes of Wesley. He had unshed tears in his own eyes from just looking at her. She just held his gaze, and slowly her chest starting heaving, struggling for more oxygen. She felt like she was drowning, couldn't get enough air in her burning lungs, and she let out a soft whimper before throwing herself into his chest.
Wesley silently gathered her in his arms, holding onto her for dear life, trying to soothe her with soft `hushes' and fatherly kisses applied to the top of her head. He let her cry, soaking his shirt through and through and he didn't care. There was so much emotion in her he'd never seen in all his years of knowing her, and all he could do was hold tight.
Her frantic sobs and gasps for air finally calmed into the occasional muffled whimper or hiccup of breath before she pulled away from him to wipe at her eyes. He noticed then the blood that had dried on her enclosed palm. He took her hand in his and opened her tiny white fist, revealing a gold locket.
"It was in the garbage." Cordelia dropped her head, chin resting on her chest in defeat. "I thought it was supposed to be for me, to show me he loved me... but he doesn't... now..."
She started to sob again, but quickly clenched her teeth together willing herself to stop. She had to get it out before she lost her courage. She inhaled quickly before continuing in a barely audible whisper, "now... I lost him... I never had him to begin with, but now it's too late."
Wesley, who had remained silent throughout their exchange, finally reacted to her words. "What?"
She continued, ignoring or not hearing his question. Not seeing the surprised expression on his face. "I don't know what happened. How did it get so wrong?" Cordelia pleaded her question to him, finally raising her head to meet Wesley square in the eyes. Her own teary orbs silently pleading with him to have an answer. An answer of hope, or just something she could believe in.
"Honestly, I don't know." Wesley's answer not only rang true for her situation but his as well. He had to ask himself the same thing about Fred. `How did it get so wrong?' He saw the crushed look in her eyes before amending his statement, taking her empty hand in his and holding tight. "But you need to talk to him. I don't believe it's as hopeless as you think. But you'll never answer any of your questions if you don't talk to him."
"I can't. There's just so much I don't know. I've made such an ass of myself already. I don't know how he feels about me, or if he's angry or hurt, or if he doesn't even care." She knew that last part didn't have a shred of honesty in it, but she just didn't know. She felt like she didn't know anything anymore. How could she talk to him if she didn't even know how he felt about her?
"You know that's not true. You know it. Don't do that Cordelia. Don't belittle yourself. You know what you mean to him." Wesley's voice took on a hardened edge beneath the soft surface. Scolding her for even thinking Angel didn't care. "Go talk to him."
"I don't know where he is, and I can't leave Connor." She spared a glance behind her toward the still silent baby on the bed, and she felt another wave of tears trying to break free.
"It's daylight and being as he won't stray too far from the little chap, I'm fairly sure he's still here. I'm also fairly certain you know where he'll be."
Cordelia nodded in acknowledgement. She did know exactly where he was, and exactly what he'd be doing.
"Go to him. I'll watch Connor."
A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips before vanishing, to be replaced once again by her solemn frown. Wesley gently cupped her cheeks in his hands, looking into her eyes with understanding and love, and then kissed her forehead.
"When did you get so smart?" Cordelia whispered at him when he pulled back, and he smiled.
"Beginning to wonder that myself."
Without another word, she silently removed herself from the bed, quickly making her way to the doorway, where she paused to look back at him.
He gave her a reassuring nod before she half-smiled back at him, and then turned to leave.
~~~~~~~
To Be Continued
If anyone is wondering about the title of the chapter, I just happened to be going through my Webster's (I seem to be doing that a lot lately....*shrug*) and I found it. The definition is really interesting, basically it's the glow on the horizon before sunrise or after sunset. I know I'm melodramatic, but it seemed to make sense in a metaphorical way. Or whatever. Hope you enjoyed... next part coming soon, promise.
-KAT ^o^