How to Succeed at Being Properly Evil
(Here we are folks, another terrifying Cathy fic! This one though, however is not really a fic, nor is it Harry Potter! I'm a HP writer, but this time I had a little fun and strayed off the track a little bit. So this here is a Parody, and Humorous guide on how to be evil. It bashes all the movie plots out there with an evil villain. So enjoy my friends! I hope you get a good laugh outta this one!)
We can all be mean. I mean- no one is good all the time, but are you evil? Yes, you say? Do you compare very well to evil characters in most movies? Another yes? Well, if you are truly evil, and others think you are truly evil, here is a guidebook: How To Succeed At Being Properly Evil....
I. Getting Started.
Okay, you've done it! You have officially qualified as evil. Now what? First you have to get, "The Look." You can't be an evil overlord/lady wearing those jeans and that tee shirt! No, no, no, to "Evil Clothing and Accessories" it is for you!
Yes, those leather gloves are a good thing, as well are those pants. What, you say they're too tight? Too bad. There's no such thing as too tight when attempting world domination. You must always look your best, unless of course you are a hideously ugly victim of the "Hero Figure's" childhood, seeking revenge. Then you have the right to be evil.
All set? Oh no, not with that hair, we must get that fixed. Darling, that cute blonde hairdo simply will not work. It is not the slightest bit evil at all! Now... hmm... Let me see... Oh yes! Dark brown! Your hair is now dark brown. Lovely. You look more evil already. Why did it change in a split second, you ask? Well, we don't have time to sit around all day and wait for your hair do change you know. Evil overlords/ladies have schedules too you know!
II. Your Minions of Darkness
Very nice! You look very bad- and I mean that in a good way! Now, moving on...
You must have an apprentice, or at least some sort of stupid cronies to do your dirty work for you. Of course you can do it yourself on the occasion just to show off; but all proper overlords/ladies have others doing their life threatening work for them. What do you look for in these types of people?
A. The Advisor: This person must have in I.Q of well above genius level, and know the answer to every possible question. He/she must inspect all your plans to make sue they are foolproof. He/she must also respond well to criticism, for if one of your master plans happens to fail- you'll have someone to blame for the results, and that he/she did not inspect/devise this plan well enough.
B. The Assassinator: This person must be skilled in the art of ending your enemies' lives. May be a male or female, and muscles, and very great physical stamina is a plus, just in case need comes to beat up the hero, or anything that gets in his/her way. Whatever the case, make sure he/she is an expert with weapons and kills for money, not the sheer joy of killing. For if he/she kills for sport, you risk chance of giving the "Hero" a chance to play a killing game with the Assassinator and giving him/her a chance to escape. When driven by the thought of money and greed, he/she will not get paid until the "Hero" is gone. That makes the job go quicker
C. The Minions of Darkness: Ahh... yes. The Stupid Cronies. These are the dumb hoodlums constantly harassed by their superiors, and easily beaten upon by the "Hero." It is our responsibility to choose the **right** cronies. The perfect cronie must be slightly more intelligent than your average milk carton, but yet dumb enough to devote his/her life entirely to you and obey your every command. Henceforth, if you tell him/her to jump off a bridge, he/she jumps off the Golden Gate, and wonders if he/she was good enough. A perfect cronie must also be quite good with a gun, or other destructive weapons. Good enough to kill the "Hero" when they all have him/her outnumbered 6 to 1... They shall not emphasize on martial arts, or other complicated fighting techniques; for it is a waste of time. What do they expect to do, punch the hero until he dies, or he kills your cronies first? No, take the direct approach and have them trained to shoot him well before he has a chance to show
off and Kung-Fu's them to a pulp...
Now that we have worked out the flaws of your Minions of Darkness, it is time to move on.....
III. Location, Location
You have to have a good location. It's a very necessary asset of a successful career. Why? Simply because you cannot take over the world from your apartment in the Suburbs. Not such a good plan. The "Hero" could merely look you up in the phone book...
A castle in Europe is always nice: Large, dark, gloomy, remote, Evil-looking statures are a plus... But if your operation focuses more on technology, you should apt for a modern mansion in a place with a very low population, and be sure not to be listed in the phone book.
Also make sure that your secret hideout is well guarded, and is exceptionally hard to get to. If you don't mind the cold, the Arctic is a good place to camp.... You can call my agent.
IV. Tricks of the Trade
There are a few things that fall under no category, yet are essentially important if planning evil ship over the world. Keep these few things in mind....
Lie. If you can get away with it, go for it. When the Hero asks you which house you live in, where you are going to be for the duel, what time you will show up... Lie! It is better to trick him/her into getting him/herself killed.
Once you have captured the "Hero," (And if you follow this well, I assure you that you will) do not lock him/her up. Kill him/her on the spot. Do not save him for later purposes, I assure you as well that you have no use for him/her.
When the "Hero" asks you to explain why you are ending his/her innocent life, and to reconsider, and think about it for a minute, tell them okay. Pause for half a second, proclaim that you are done thinking, and deliver the fatal blow. They really didn't want to know anyways....
Do not outfit your Minions of Darkness in drab, boring suits. Hire a top name designer to outfit everyone in your operation. Yes, even that strange man that files your taxes on the off-season.... Therefore, by chance there be a fashion contest between your group, and the "Hero's" you shall surely win, with style and grace... Well, style at least...
Do not label the button that launches your missile, destructive computer program, or anything remotely dangerous, "BUTTON TO END THE WORLD. DO NOT TOUCH." Label it instead, "ADVENTURES OF BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR HOME VIDEO!" This is implying that your Minions, and none of your staff still watches Barney (and for certain reasons- that they never did) and will have no desire to press the button.
Your music is also something that must be considered. Rock is best. Nothing beats a rock beat. Rap and hip-hop aren't so bad, but Rock is best. Whatever the case, do not play pop-ish music. Britney and N*Stink do not say much for an evil reputation, and you cannot walk around squealing "Hit me baby one more time!" or "Bye bye bye!" Make sure your Minions of Darkness are informed of this too.
Now you've read the guidebook. Ready to take over the world? Nope. Several other things stand in your way. First you must appoint a "Hero." This "Hero" shall be one you hate, or greatly despise. If you do not wish to appoint a "Hero" you may try and overthrow me, the current ruler of the world.
But there are things that stand in your way there too. One, you cannot overthrow me. I am too powerful. Two, this would make you the "Hero" and you do not want that. For trying to overthrow me would make you the good guy. And three, if you did manage to overthrow me, I get all the credit, since you read my handbook, and learned all you know from me. See, I win either way...
Instead, when I am done with the world, I shall give it to you, if I like you well enough and appoint you as my heir. In the meantime, I may choose to give you a country to govern. The rulers of every nation work for me... MWAHHAHA... This way, you get passed the throne respectfully, and people think better of you... (How does ruling Uzbekistan sound? Okay, I'll book that for you....)
Now, I appoint you an official Minion-of-Darkness. Remember not to take too much pride in yourself... save that until AFTER you have captured the title of Official Ruler of the World!
(((What cha think? Funny? Dumb? Helpful? Hehhee... REVIEW!!!!! I'll give you an imaginary cookie if you do!!!!!!!)))
(Here we are folks, another terrifying Cathy fic! This one though, however is not really a fic, nor is it Harry Potter! I'm a HP writer, but this time I had a little fun and strayed off the track a little bit. So this here is a Parody, and Humorous guide on how to be evil. It bashes all the movie plots out there with an evil villain. So enjoy my friends! I hope you get a good laugh outta this one!)
We can all be mean. I mean- no one is good all the time, but are you evil? Yes, you say? Do you compare very well to evil characters in most movies? Another yes? Well, if you are truly evil, and others think you are truly evil, here is a guidebook: How To Succeed At Being Properly Evil....
I. Getting Started.
Okay, you've done it! You have officially qualified as evil. Now what? First you have to get, "The Look." You can't be an evil overlord/lady wearing those jeans and that tee shirt! No, no, no, to "Evil Clothing and Accessories" it is for you!
Yes, those leather gloves are a good thing, as well are those pants. What, you say they're too tight? Too bad. There's no such thing as too tight when attempting world domination. You must always look your best, unless of course you are a hideously ugly victim of the "Hero Figure's" childhood, seeking revenge. Then you have the right to be evil.
All set? Oh no, not with that hair, we must get that fixed. Darling, that cute blonde hairdo simply will not work. It is not the slightest bit evil at all! Now... hmm... Let me see... Oh yes! Dark brown! Your hair is now dark brown. Lovely. You look more evil already. Why did it change in a split second, you ask? Well, we don't have time to sit around all day and wait for your hair do change you know. Evil overlords/ladies have schedules too you know!
II. Your Minions of Darkness
Very nice! You look very bad- and I mean that in a good way! Now, moving on...
You must have an apprentice, or at least some sort of stupid cronies to do your dirty work for you. Of course you can do it yourself on the occasion just to show off; but all proper overlords/ladies have others doing their life threatening work for them. What do you look for in these types of people?
A. The Advisor: This person must have in I.Q of well above genius level, and know the answer to every possible question. He/she must inspect all your plans to make sue they are foolproof. He/she must also respond well to criticism, for if one of your master plans happens to fail- you'll have someone to blame for the results, and that he/she did not inspect/devise this plan well enough.
B. The Assassinator: This person must be skilled in the art of ending your enemies' lives. May be a male or female, and muscles, and very great physical stamina is a plus, just in case need comes to beat up the hero, or anything that gets in his/her way. Whatever the case, make sure he/she is an expert with weapons and kills for money, not the sheer joy of killing. For if he/she kills for sport, you risk chance of giving the "Hero" a chance to play a killing game with the Assassinator and giving him/her a chance to escape. When driven by the thought of money and greed, he/she will not get paid until the "Hero" is gone. That makes the job go quicker
C. The Minions of Darkness: Ahh... yes. The Stupid Cronies. These are the dumb hoodlums constantly harassed by their superiors, and easily beaten upon by the "Hero." It is our responsibility to choose the **right** cronies. The perfect cronie must be slightly more intelligent than your average milk carton, but yet dumb enough to devote his/her life entirely to you and obey your every command. Henceforth, if you tell him/her to jump off a bridge, he/she jumps off the Golden Gate, and wonders if he/she was good enough. A perfect cronie must also be quite good with a gun, or other destructive weapons. Good enough to kill the "Hero" when they all have him/her outnumbered 6 to 1... They shall not emphasize on martial arts, or other complicated fighting techniques; for it is a waste of time. What do they expect to do, punch the hero until he dies, or he kills your cronies first? No, take the direct approach and have them trained to shoot him well before he has a chance to show
off and Kung-Fu's them to a pulp...
Now that we have worked out the flaws of your Minions of Darkness, it is time to move on.....
III. Location, Location
You have to have a good location. It's a very necessary asset of a successful career. Why? Simply because you cannot take over the world from your apartment in the Suburbs. Not such a good plan. The "Hero" could merely look you up in the phone book...
A castle in Europe is always nice: Large, dark, gloomy, remote, Evil-looking statures are a plus... But if your operation focuses more on technology, you should apt for a modern mansion in a place with a very low population, and be sure not to be listed in the phone book.
Also make sure that your secret hideout is well guarded, and is exceptionally hard to get to. If you don't mind the cold, the Arctic is a good place to camp.... You can call my agent.
IV. Tricks of the Trade
There are a few things that fall under no category, yet are essentially important if planning evil ship over the world. Keep these few things in mind....
Lie. If you can get away with it, go for it. When the Hero asks you which house you live in, where you are going to be for the duel, what time you will show up... Lie! It is better to trick him/her into getting him/herself killed.
Once you have captured the "Hero," (And if you follow this well, I assure you that you will) do not lock him/her up. Kill him/her on the spot. Do not save him for later purposes, I assure you as well that you have no use for him/her.
When the "Hero" asks you to explain why you are ending his/her innocent life, and to reconsider, and think about it for a minute, tell them okay. Pause for half a second, proclaim that you are done thinking, and deliver the fatal blow. They really didn't want to know anyways....
Do not outfit your Minions of Darkness in drab, boring suits. Hire a top name designer to outfit everyone in your operation. Yes, even that strange man that files your taxes on the off-season.... Therefore, by chance there be a fashion contest between your group, and the "Hero's" you shall surely win, with style and grace... Well, style at least...
Do not label the button that launches your missile, destructive computer program, or anything remotely dangerous, "BUTTON TO END THE WORLD. DO NOT TOUCH." Label it instead, "ADVENTURES OF BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR HOME VIDEO!" This is implying that your Minions, and none of your staff still watches Barney (and for certain reasons- that they never did) and will have no desire to press the button.
Your music is also something that must be considered. Rock is best. Nothing beats a rock beat. Rap and hip-hop aren't so bad, but Rock is best. Whatever the case, do not play pop-ish music. Britney and N*Stink do not say much for an evil reputation, and you cannot walk around squealing "Hit me baby one more time!" or "Bye bye bye!" Make sure your Minions of Darkness are informed of this too.
Now you've read the guidebook. Ready to take over the world? Nope. Several other things stand in your way. First you must appoint a "Hero." This "Hero" shall be one you hate, or greatly despise. If you do not wish to appoint a "Hero" you may try and overthrow me, the current ruler of the world.
But there are things that stand in your way there too. One, you cannot overthrow me. I am too powerful. Two, this would make you the "Hero" and you do not want that. For trying to overthrow me would make you the good guy. And three, if you did manage to overthrow me, I get all the credit, since you read my handbook, and learned all you know from me. See, I win either way...
Instead, when I am done with the world, I shall give it to you, if I like you well enough and appoint you as my heir. In the meantime, I may choose to give you a country to govern. The rulers of every nation work for me... MWAHHAHA... This way, you get passed the throne respectfully, and people think better of you... (How does ruling Uzbekistan sound? Okay, I'll book that for you....)
Now, I appoint you an official Minion-of-Darkness. Remember not to take too much pride in yourself... save that until AFTER you have captured the title of Official Ruler of the World!
(((What cha think? Funny? Dumb? Helpful? Hehhee... REVIEW!!!!! I'll give you an imaginary cookie if you do!!!!!!!)))