Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli all sat around...somewhere. This story, due to its nature of being extremely crummy, does not specify precisely where or why. This story occurs after the War of the Ring, which is odd, because Boromir was dead by that time, quite a few of these people passed over the Sea, and others moved.
Suddenly, there is was a white blast of light! There were immediate cries from everyone, and they all adjusted to the light. As if from far away they hear an echoing voice, which says "Turn off - sss - the crappy light effectssss, gollum! We hates them! WE HATES THEM!" The lights did not go out, however; rather, they got brighter, as a shining figure composed of light flowing from within stepped down the luminescent staircase. The Fellowship ran to meet the beautiful creature.
As the figure stepped down, they noticed it was Gollum. A camera crew hauled away the cheesy staircase backdrop, much to the delight of Gollum, whose delicate eyes were severly hurt. Gollum was wearing a tank top, skimpy shorts, and a Britney Spears wig. "Behold!" cried Gollum, his eyes glowing tye-dye colors. "We is reborn as Gollum the White, yesss my preciouss. And we is reincarnating your finger, nice hobbit wants its fingerses, yesss, my preciouss." He handed over a glowing silvery finger to Frodo, who took it and the instruction manual.
EZ-Finger Implants!
No assembly required!
Batteries not included.
"Umm, Gollum," said Frodo nervously, holding back the onpouring of love that was brought on by such an exquisite sight as Gollum, "it says 'batteries not included.' What kind of batteries does it use?" Gollum's rainbowy eyes flashed wonderfully. "Batterieses, yesss, my preciouss, you can get them at Radio Shack for prices lower than anywhere else, gollum..." His voice trailed off. Then he screamed to someone up in the sky. "PAY USSS OUR MONEY FOR ADVERTISSSING RADIO SSSHACK!" he screeched, and lo! a check fluttered down from the heavens. He snatched it up, and turned back to the Fellowship. No sooner had he done this that Gandalf suddenly yelled "I LOVE YOU" and jumped on top of Gollum, kissing him frantically. "I LOVE YOU TOO!" screamed everyone else as Gollum made out with them all at the same time, which was quite a feat on Gollum's part. Then, while everyone was making out with Gollum, a great big meteor crashed down and smooshed Gollum guts all over the ground, missing all the others by an orc-hair.
Before Gollum died he said "We loves you forever - sss - Gimli and you too Gandalf, gollum." Then he succumbed. Each of the Fellowship (after they were done crying bitterly over the death of their newfound lover) got a part of Gollum the White to keep as a souvenir.
Gandalf: Small intestine
Gimli: Left kidney
Legolas: Liver
Merry: Half a spleen (he had to split it with Pippin)
Pippin: The other half of the spleen
Sam: Appendix
Boromir: All of the limbs and the head (he was greedy...very Boromir-ish.)
Aragorn: Spinal cord
Frodo got to keep his battery-operated finger, which kept running out of batteries at the wrong time. However, this was not the greatest treasure. In his posession he secretly carried Gollum's ugly Britney Spears wig, which he would always use to remember the truest love of his life.
Suddenly, there is was a white blast of light! There were immediate cries from everyone, and they all adjusted to the light. As if from far away they hear an echoing voice, which says "Turn off - sss - the crappy light effectssss, gollum! We hates them! WE HATES THEM!" The lights did not go out, however; rather, they got brighter, as a shining figure composed of light flowing from within stepped down the luminescent staircase. The Fellowship ran to meet the beautiful creature.
As the figure stepped down, they noticed it was Gollum. A camera crew hauled away the cheesy staircase backdrop, much to the delight of Gollum, whose delicate eyes were severly hurt. Gollum was wearing a tank top, skimpy shorts, and a Britney Spears wig. "Behold!" cried Gollum, his eyes glowing tye-dye colors. "We is reborn as Gollum the White, yesss my preciouss. And we is reincarnating your finger, nice hobbit wants its fingerses, yesss, my preciouss." He handed over a glowing silvery finger to Frodo, who took it and the instruction manual.
EZ-Finger Implants!
No assembly required!
Batteries not included.
"Umm, Gollum," said Frodo nervously, holding back the onpouring of love that was brought on by such an exquisite sight as Gollum, "it says 'batteries not included.' What kind of batteries does it use?" Gollum's rainbowy eyes flashed wonderfully. "Batterieses, yesss, my preciouss, you can get them at Radio Shack for prices lower than anywhere else, gollum..." His voice trailed off. Then he screamed to someone up in the sky. "PAY USSS OUR MONEY FOR ADVERTISSSING RADIO SSSHACK!" he screeched, and lo! a check fluttered down from the heavens. He snatched it up, and turned back to the Fellowship. No sooner had he done this that Gandalf suddenly yelled "I LOVE YOU" and jumped on top of Gollum, kissing him frantically. "I LOVE YOU TOO!" screamed everyone else as Gollum made out with them all at the same time, which was quite a feat on Gollum's part. Then, while everyone was making out with Gollum, a great big meteor crashed down and smooshed Gollum guts all over the ground, missing all the others by an orc-hair.
Before Gollum died he said "We loves you forever - sss - Gimli and you too Gandalf, gollum." Then he succumbed. Each of the Fellowship (after they were done crying bitterly over the death of their newfound lover) got a part of Gollum the White to keep as a souvenir.
Gandalf: Small intestine
Gimli: Left kidney
Legolas: Liver
Merry: Half a spleen (he had to split it with Pippin)
Pippin: The other half of the spleen
Sam: Appendix
Boromir: All of the limbs and the head (he was greedy...very Boromir-ish.)
Aragorn: Spinal cord
Frodo got to keep his battery-operated finger, which kept running out of batteries at the wrong time. However, this was not the greatest treasure. In his posession he secretly carried Gollum's ugly Britney Spears wig, which he would always use to remember the truest love of his life.