Author's Note: Okay! Second attempt!
Thalia: You mean you're actually going to write another song fic?
Eros: Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your first one?
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GW, or the song "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins, the most rockin'-est band ever!
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//
//Cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
Come into my life forever
The crumbled cities stand as known
Of the sights you have been shown
Of the hurts you call your own (you know you know)
Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
Heero sat at the back of the restaurant in the corner booth, alone, cold, and wind-blown from his long ride on the motorcycle. He huddled over his mug of coffee wearily, inhaling the steam before sipping the stimulant. He drank it though it was bitter; he'd need the energy to keep driving. He wasn't far enough away yet.
The Preventers would be after him shortly; Relena would see to that. He wondered what she'd tell them to get them to look for him. That he was kidnaped, maybe? But knowing her, she probably wouldn't even need an excuse. They'd do her bidding simply because she was Relena Peacecraft Dorlian, Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation. She wasn't manipulative, and she didn't abuse her power. She just compelled people.
He'd left his ring on the night stand.
It cost him dearly to leave her. He could feel the emptiness inside him more than ever. No purpose, no mission, no emotion to fill it, it ate at him steadily as he downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. He stood, pulled change out of his pocket, and scattered it across the table. He trudged back out into the chill breeze of spring. His motorcycle, the only thing of value he'd bought after the war, stood ready and waiting for him.
So did someone else.
Duo took a long drag on the cigarette, watching Heero approach. He grinned when the space cadet finally noticed him. Heero froze, staring blankly as if he couldn't process this new development. He took another drag and laughed as he dropped the filter and stepped on it.
"Yo, Heero. Long time no see," he said casually.
"How did you find me?" Heero asked, sounding surprised.
"Well, it's an interesting story. Y'see, at about four a.m. L2 time, Relena calls me with a little problem. How the hell she got my number, I don't know. I would've hung up on dear Relena-chan right away. That is, ~if~ she hadn't mentioned an old partner of mine. Seems he'd gotten cold feet, and she was wondering if he'd contacted me. Selfish of her, really. Woke both Hilde and me up, demanding to see her fiance," Duo explained as Heero came up to him. "But because I'm really all heart, I decided to come down here and look for her fiancé. Have you seen him?"
"Hn. What are you going to do now?" Heero demanded, crossing his arms.
Duo rocked back on his heels and perched his hands on his hips, examining his war buddy. Even in the vague illumination of the neon sign above the diner door, he could tell the other was not fairing well. They had both grown taller, but Duo noted that the top of Heero's head was level with his own eyes. Heero had become more broad-shouldered as well, but his face had the thinness of worry, with the hollows in his cheeks more prominent and dark circles around his eyes. He was wearing his jeans and blue jacket, and looked so achingly familiar that the American had to resist the urge to tackle him in a fierce hug.
"I dunno," he relied as he strangled the urge. "What do you want me to do?"
"What?"
"I didn't rush down to earth to drag your sorry ass kicking and screaming back to Relena," Duo said point blank. "I want to keep you from screwing yourself over royally."
"I don't need your advice."
"I never offered it. I'm saying that ~you~ need to figure out some things, and I'm gonna help as best I can."
"What are these things I need to figure out?" Heero asked in his I'm-pissed-because-you-saw-something-I-was-trying-to-hide voice. Duo resisted a smug grin, then ticked off reasons on his fingers.
"Whether or not you really want to get away from Relena and whether or not you're coping with peace. Same things I had to ask myself, sans the Relena bit," Duo replied. "Anyhow, I took the liberty of procuring a cabin in the mountains near here. All the comforts of home, plus it's so out of the way that the Preventers don't even know it exists. You can spend as much time there as you like, if you want to come with me."
Heero stood stock still, considering for a moment. Duo stared at him firmly, trying not to look worried. The longer he had to wait, the more he began to doubt the wisdom of his actions. Why would Heero want to talk to him, after all this time? Would Heero still trust him? It'd been two years since they'd last seen each other, and they hadn't exactly been pen pals. He knew he probably shouldn't have come. It brought back too many feelings he'd thought he was over. But he really hadn't had a choice; from the moment he saw Relena's face when he answered the phone, he knew he would have to do this.
"All right," Heero agreed after such a long time that Duo was startled. "Do you have transportation?"
"Nope, I hitched a ride here," Duo said, thanking Wufei mentally. The other former gundam pilot had mislead the other Preventers away from this area after he'd discovered Heero's presence. The five pilots still were bonded by something strong enough to make them protective of one another. Obviously Wufei had noticed Heero's mental state and had wanted to be sure his comrade was all right. Or something like that. Duo didn't ~think~ Wufei would be so spiteful as to deliberately thwart Relena's wedding, but the Chinese boy's motives were hazy at the best of times.
"Then get on. We're going to keep moving for a while more," Heero said, trying to push past Duo to get on the motorcycle. Duo put out a hand and stopped him.
"Hey, man, you're still a superhero, but you've been driving for about twenty-eight hours straight, if my calculations are correct. You ain't drivin' ~me~ around in that state. You'd fall asleep and crash and we'd ~both~ die," Duo said teasingly. "Leave this to someone who's actually awake, ne?"
Heero glared dangerously at him. Then he thrust the keys at Duo, hopped onto the bitch-seat, and looked at Duo challengingly. Duo had to grin. He hadn't thought Heero would actually agree to the suggestion. He straddled the machine, and started it up with an impressive rumble. He revved the engine in approval, then put it in gear. Heero snatched at his shoulders to keep from falling off as they peeled out of the parking lot. Duo laughed at him while squeezing the throttle, and they sped off toward the highway.
Later on, Duo yawned. The drive had been invigorating at first, with the wind in his face and Heero behind him. He'd missed earth, with it's fresh, unrecycled air and the beautiful blue-black sky full of stars. He could almost pretend that they were ~together~, not just close enough to feel the heat of one another in spite of the rush of the cold wind.
Sometime after the sun rose, Heero fell asleep. Though Duo guiltily relished the feel of Heero's arms around his waist, Heero's chest against his back, and - most endearing of all - Heero's cheek against his shoulder, he realized that his passenger must be even more exhausted than first anticipated. Otherwise, Heero would ~never~ have allowed himself the weakness. Duo shifted his weight to compensate for Heero's insensibility. This would be difficult. Not the driving, but the whole "mission" he was on. Getting Heero to realize his true feelings for Relena, whether he loved her or not, was going to be tough. The young man was as easy to figure out as a Rubix cube.
Maybe it was a mistake to think he was over Heero enough to do this. But really, how could he hang back when Relena had called, hysterical and accusing him of hiding Heero away from her? He grinned wickedly. How could he resist doing exactly what the girl accused him of? She irked him so much with her superior attitude and her high-handed ways, not to mention the fact that it was ~she~ who'd gotten Heero. He brooded on that for a moment.
* Well, I never had a claim to Heero. * he admitted to himself. * I guess I can't actually ~blame~ Relena for taking him...*
He frowned, angry at himself. Determined to stop thinking for the rest of the drive, he turned down the dirt road that would take him to the cabin.
Duo pulled into the yard outside the small building about an hour later and parked the bike, putting the kickstand down. He bit back a sigh of regret when he nudged Heero with his elbow. Heero grunted softly and stirred. His arms tightened around Duo's waist and he made a small noise of protest.
Duo quirked an eyebrow and grinned, though he had to fight off a blush. "Good morning to you too," he said in his distinct tenor.
~That~ snapped Heero awake. His eyes opened comically wide and he released Duo hurriedly. He almost fell off the bitch-seat, but caught his balance in the nick of time.
"Gomen," he muttered while Duo snickered.
"C'mon, man. We're here," the American said, dismounting. He pulled the key from his pocket as he approached the door to the building.
Heero shuffled behind him, trying to work the cramps out of his back, neck, and legs as he vowed never to fall asleep on a motorcycle again. Duo quickly got the door open, and they went inside. It was dim and dingy, and it had the musty smell of unaired house. Duo hit the light switch and the place brightened marginally in the light of a bare 60-watt bulb hanging overhead.
It was a hunters' cabin and it was built to use the small area to the fullest efficiency. Bunk-beds lined the far wall of the main room. A threadbare couch placed in the center of it face the wall to the right, where an outdated television sat. The tiny kitchen was separated from the main room by a peninsula counter that doubled as the table. The compressed bathroom was the only other room in the cabin. Duo's backpack lay on the floor beside the bottom bunk, and the lack of dust and cobwebs suggested that the American had cleaned up a bit beforehand.
"Wufei told me about this place once. Said he'd used it during the war, before we had to go back up to space," Duo said as he walked in. He turned back to face Heero, who still stood in the doorway. "You gonna come in, or you just gonna stare all day?"
Heero loped inside as Duo opened the cupboard under the peninsula. The braided ex-pilot pulled out sheets and blankets, which were clean but musty. They could wait to be washed. Duo was dead tired and rather sore from riding a motorcycle for roughly eight hours, with only a couple breaks to fill gas. He made the two beds quickly while Heero used the bathroom.
"Which do you want?" Duo asked when Heero emerged. "The top or the bottom?"
The other young man just shrugged as he took off his jacket. Duo rolled his eyes. He'd almost managed to forget how exasperating Heero could be with his silent communication.
"Fine, I'll take the top," Duo said. He divested himself of his black leather bomber jacket and his combat boots. "And I'm beat, so I'm gonna pass out for a while. Explore the mountain or something if you don't wanna sleep."
"Hn," Heero commented as Duo clambered up into the bunk.
As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered again if this was a wise idea.
Heero paced the small area between the back of the couch and the peninsula. He crossed his arms broodingly and glowered at his unconscious friend. It hadn't been ~that~ long since he'd last seen Duo, yet it felt like a lifetime ago that they'd been partners. Hell, it seemed a lifetime ago that he'd been living at the Peacecraft mansion. Amazing what thirty-six hours of freedom could do.
Freed from the pressure of Relena's attentions, Heero felt like a new man. He was finally able to think clearly, without the young woman's views superimposed over his own. Yet, along with the freedom came a heavy burden of guilt. He ~did~ genuinely care for Relena. But... something was missing, something was off-kilter in their relationship. He'd felt out-of-control.
* But don't people say that's what love is? * he argued in his mind. Was he throwing away something wonderful simply because he was too frightened by what it entailed?
He frowned harder, not able to answer the question. It was a strange thing to him, not being able to sort out his own feelings and reasons.
* Duo said that's what he wanted to help me with. How'd he know? *
The American turned in his sleep to face Heero, his slack mouth parted very slightly. Heero observed him as he began to snore quietly. There was more to Duo than first appeared. Heero wondered with chagrin if he actually knew his former partner at all. He felt a twinge of regret that he hadn't cultivated any real friendship with the young man in the war, and was confused as to why Duo would come to his proverbial rescue when they hadn't even spoken together since the Mariemeia incident.
Heero yawned suddenly, his jaw almost cracking from opening so wide. The few hours of uneasy rest he'd gotten on the back of the motorcycle had done little to alleviate his fatigue. He crossed to the lower bunk and sat on it wearily. The rusty box-springs groaned under his weight as he kicked his shoes off and swung his legs under the covers. Worrying could wait, he decided. Right now, he needed sleep.
After he woke up on the first day, Duo went to get supplies in a town a few valleys away. Somehow, he managed to pack enough food to last them a week onto the motorcycle. Then he visited the liquor store and stole two pints of Jack Daniel's. He stole because he didn't have his fake ID with him, and besides which he didn't want to waste his money on alcohol. It was just in case Heero wouldn't spill his guts by merely talking to him. Then Duo would see if getting him drunk first would help.
* Besides, * Duo thought with a devious grin, * it'd be friggin' funny to see Heero drunk. *
When he arrived back at the house, Heero was gone. A note written on a scrap of yellowed paper explained that he'd gone for a hike in the mountains and would be back sometime that evening. Duo sighed in disappointment, but not surprise. He knew Heero would probably need some alone time. Duo began putting things away, and when the groceries were stowed and the liquor hidden in the back of the fridge, he washed the blankets and sheets in the bathtub. Growing up in filth had made him supremely appreciative of the luxury of being clean. Ever since he'd been able to, he kept everything as clean as possible.
As he was hanging the sheets out to dry on a elderly clothesline behind the cabin, he heard footsteps grinding in the stoney dirt to his left. He turned to see Heero coming out of the trees. He smiled and gave a little wave, neither of which Heero returned. His heart twisted and he turned back to the clothesline with a frown on his face. He knew what Heero was like, but he had hoped the boy he'd known had opened up with maturity.
"Where were you this morning?" Heero asked when he was in earshot.
"Went shopping," Duo said with a shrug of his shoulder. "You hungry?"
A noncommital noise was all he got in response.
"Come on, then, I'll make us something to eat," he said.
Heero followed Duo with some trepidation. He recalled Duo's cooking from a few of their missions together. Not that his own cooking skill was better, but he realized with chagrin that living here for any length of time was going to be tough on his digestive system. He sat on one of the stools at the peninsula-table resignedly, watching as Duo got ingredients out of the cupboard and fridge. Duo must have noticed his expression, because he grinned wryly.
"Don't worry, man. Hilde taught me how to make a few things that are actually edible," he said.
"Hilde?" Heero repeated the vaguely familiar name.
"Yeah, she got sick of the fire alarm going off in our apartment every time it was my turn to make dinner," the braided man said, pouring water into a warped kettle and setting it on the stove.
"Who's Hilde?" Heero asked, upset with himself for not remembering.
Duo looked at him and cocked his head. "You remember that chick who brought us the data on Libra? The girl on the gurney?"
"Oh. Her," Heero said. He pressed his lips together as Duo went back to work. Relena had told him to practice making small talk because as the husband of a diplomat he'd be expected to mix with the elite. He needed social skills, but he'd never tried to develop any. Now he wished he knew what to say. He actually wanted to talk with Duo, to get to know him and to take his mind off his own life for a bit. But how?
"So... you're living together?" he asked after a long time, then winced inwardly at how stiff and awkward he sounded. But that was how he felt in this unfamiliar place with an almost-stranger. Duo glanced up from cutting carrots, looking surprised.
"Yeah, but it's not what you think. We're just really good friends is all," Duo replied. "I feel kinda left out, you know. I'm the only single gundam pilot left. Wufei and Sally are dating, did you know? And Trowa and Quatre are practically married by now - "
Heero looked up sharply. "Trowa and Quatre are what?"
Duo looked up again, shocked. His knife stilled on the cutting board. "You didn't ~know~?"
"Know what?" Heero growled, feeling stupid. He'd suspected something was up between those two, but he never could place it-
"Well, they're together. Romantically. I probably shouldn't have let it slip, if they didn't tell you themselves. I thought you knew already, though," Duo explained with a shrug.
"Hn," was all Heero could think of to say. He clenched his hands on the counter top.
"You okay with that?" Duo asked, going back to cutting the carrots.
"With what?"
"You know. With Trowa and Quatre being gay," Duo said vaguely.
Heero blinked. Was he okay with it? He just found out about it! He hadn't had time to even think about that yet. He frowned. He was thinking about it ~now~. Trowa and Quatre, together in ~that~ way, holding hands how Relena liked to, or even ~kissing~ how Relena kissed him. Somehow... despite the shock of finding out, he wasn't surprised. The two boys somehow were... right for each other.
"I guess. They're good people," he replied after a pause.
"Aaannnnnyyyyhow," Duo said, putting the carrots on a plate and setting them in front of Heero. "Have a snack while we wait. As I was saying before, even that schizophrenic Zechs hooked up with Noin. I'm the only unattached one, or at least, I was until recently. I'm not sure if I can't count you as unattached, though."
Heero grunted and picked up a carrot stick. He munched it slowly, thinking about what Duo said. Unattached. No, he wouldn't say he was. He was merely away from the person he was attached to. The thought sat uneasily with him for some reason.
* Do I miss her? * he wondered. He'd never missed anything before. Maybe the hollowness he felt was longing? Then was he truly in love? Should he go back?
Duo stirred the macaroni noodles, frowning as he did so. He was relieved that Heero wasn't a homophobe, but he was entirely too hopeful now. He reminded himself that it was a ~very~ long step between tolerance and willingness. Besides which, he was ~not~ here to seduce Heero. He was here to get the moron's head on the right way. He could tell Heero was confused; it showed in his uncertain body language, his unguarded facial expressions. Well, as unguarded as Heero got.
"Duo," Heero said after a long silence. Duo managed not to jump in startlement. He turned around, putting the old wooden spoon down on the counter top.
"Yeah, Heero?"
"Have you... ever been in love?" Heero asked, without looking up from the plate of carrots.
* Well, shit. He doesn't start with easy questions, does he? * Duo thought, then said aloud, "Yeah. Once."
"What's it like?" at that, Heero did look up, and his expression was at once forbidding and vulnerable. Only Heero could that pull off. Duo resisted a snort at the thought; Heero would probably take it the wrong way.
"It's hard to explain," Duo hedged, and he turned the heat of the burner down before going to sit on the other stool. He gathered his thoughts, tried to figure out how to explain his emotions without getting either too mushy or too obvious.
"It's different for everyone, mind you," he began, "For me, it's like... there's this tension in you went you see them, but it's a good kind of tension. They bring out the best qualities in you, and you want to be with them for no reason at all. And when they aren't around, they're all you can think about. They drive you nuts sometimes, but you always forgive them in the end. Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..."
He trailed off, hoping Heero wouldn't notice the copious use of non-gender-specific pronouns. He felt so stupid, quite sure that his explanation lacked a great deal. Like how he'd felt dizzy and content sometimes, back in the old days, when he and Heero were on a mission together. Like how much it had ~hurt~ to come to terms with the fact that he could never have the one person he loved so deeply. Like how he'd almost been ~glad~ when the Mariemeia incident occurred, just because he would get to see him again.
He ~did~ jump in startlement when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up across the table at Heero, who looked very serious.
"Heero?" he managed to ask.
"Duo... " the Japanese man began quietly.
"Yeah?" Duo said, nervously scanning Heero's face.
"The noodles are boiling over."
The words were so far from what Duo expected, all he could do was blink for a second. Then he actually processed what Heero said. He leapt up comically fast.
"Aiyah! The noodles!"
//The empty bodies stand at rest
Casualties of their own flesh
Afflicted by their dispossession
But no bodies ever knew
nobodys
No bodies felt like you
nobodys
Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
A week passed with nothing much happening. Duo and Heero went on long hikes everyday, exploring the forested mountains by following game trails. Slowly, they were getting to know each other better. For example, Duo learned that Heero had a weakness for fresh vegetables, especially carrots and lettuce salads. Heero learned that Duo was not the one-dimensional joker he'd assumed the American to be during the war. They discussed politics, finding that they agreed on many points. Heero, who'd been guilty because his views differed so radically from Relena's, felt much better.
The dark hollowness inside him wouldn't abate, however, and at times grew to an aching poignancy almost too sharp for him to bear.
One such time came when he and Duo had been hiking all day and were heading back to the cabin. Duo walked jauntily ahead and rambled about something or other he'd heard from Quatre. Heero listened with only half an ear, concentrating mostly on his footing; the path was steep and rocky with ancient tree roots popping up at irregular intervals. One false step and he might plummet over the 60-foot cliff off the right side of the path.
They came to a bend in the path, coming out of the shade of the mountain and into the reddish-orange light of late evening. Heero shielded his eyes, keeping his gaze on the ground in front of him. So intent on not tripping, he didn't notice Duo had stopped until he ran into the braided young man. Duo was knocked off-balance and stumbled, nearly stumbling over the side of the cliff. Heero, feeling a wave of adrenalin flood through him like quicksilver, reached out and grabbed onto the most easily reachable part of him, his hips, and threw his own weight backwards.
They landed in a heap against the trunk of a juniper tree. Duo lay heavily on top of Heero, stunned for a moment, and Heero panted a little from having the air knocked out of him when they'd hit the ground. Then Duo squirmed a bit, and Heero realized with some embarrassment that he still was holding Duo's waist. He hastily let go and the American rolled off him.
"Gomen," Heero breathed, feeling very foolish for not looking where he was going.
"Never mind," Duo said, sounding excited and breathless as he quickly stood. His face had a look of wonder on it that made him... different, somehow. He grabbed Heero's arm and yanked him to his feet, then turned him so he faced west into the setting sun. "Look."
Heero looked. And felt his breath hitch in his throat.
The vista before him was breathtaking. The mountains around him were lit with molten gold sunlight. The sky was on fire with it, blue turned to the colors of glowing hot coals with the high, feathery clouds burning bright magenta. The sweeping lines of the mountains directly in front of him were silhouetted in near-black. He could barely make out the cabin by shading his eyes and squinting.
"Beautiful," Duo whispered, as if afraid anything louder would shatter this vision like glass.
Heero couldn't even bring himself to nod in agreement. So heartbreakingly beautiful. He felt his throat tighten, and clenched his fists. This was almost too much. The void within him twisted, and he felt suddenly vulnerable. Uncertain. Unworthy. Yet he did not, could not look away.
They stood like that for a time, watching until the sun was out of sight behind the mountains and the sky was fast turning darker blue. Heero came to realize that Duo still held his, Heero's, jacket sleeve as if he, Duo, had forgotten about it completely. And oddly enough, Heero didn't feel that it was an invasion of space as he would have even just and hour ago. Finally Duo stirred. He let go of Heero's sleeve, looking a bit embarrassed. He smiled a very uncharacteristic subdued smile.
"Come on, it'll be dark soon," he said quietly. "I don't wanna break my neck trying to follow this path by starlight."
"Aa," Heero replied, feeling wavery and drained. He forced his muscles, which now seemed stiff and heavy, to move.
They didn't utter another word as they walked with reverent steps back to the cabin. They arrived inside just before full dark. Instead of breaking the silence and starting supper as Heero had expected, Duo grabbed a spare blanket and headed back outside. Intrigued, the Japanese ex-pilot followed. In the clearing just beyond the clothesline, Duo had spread the blanket and flopped down upon it, hands clasped behind his head.
Heero stood there for a moment, and then went inside the small house. He came back out a moment later with Duo's jacket, which the other boy hadn't taken with on their hike. He tossed it onto Duo's lap and sat down next to him on the blanket. Duo smiled in gratitude, an expression Heero only caught by the faint glint of teeth , and put on the heavy black leather jacket.
"What are we doing?" Heero asked in a low voice.
"Waiting for the stars to come out," Duo told him in a similar tone, falling with a soft thud onto his back again. Heero leaned back more gracefully, adopting a similar position. There was a few minutes of silence before Duo suddenly pointed up.
"There," he whispered. He went on in English, something that rhymed and that Heero, who only spoke a little of the language, couldn't decipher.
"What's that?" he asked.
Duo chuckled self-consciously. "It's a children's poem, kinda like a game. It means 'Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.' I learned it from Sister Helen - " He stopped suddenly, then continued. "Anyway, you say it, then you make a wish and it's supposed to come true."
Heero digested this. It seemed a rather silly and naive superstition to him. But it added another piece to his knowledge of Duo, who he was starting to think was the most complicated person he knew. Well, maybe except for Zechs Marquis, but he wouldn't think of that man now. It seemed almost sacrilegious to dredge up memories of bitter rivalry tonight.
"What did you wish for?" he asked to get his mind off the subject.
"Can't tell you; that's part of it. You can't tell anyone what you wished for, or it won't come true," Duo explained, his tone light and teasing. "You wanna try it?"
"I don't know the poem," Heero said. "Besides, it's just wishing. That stuff doesn't work. If you want something, you have to get it or do it yourself."
Duo sighed heavily, his jovial air vanishing with the exhaled breath. "I know," he murmured. "But that's not the point."
"What ~is~ the point?" Heero wanted to know, genuinely curious as to the other's motives. When Duo didn't answer, he went on, "Does it have to do with this woman - Sister Helen?"
"Aa," Duo breathed. He didn't elaborate.
Heero didn't press him; it seemed a touchy subject. He looked up at the sky, where more stars were shimmering into view across the inky blue-black sky. The Big Dipper was now visible, and he used it to find the Little Dipper. From there he went on to Cassiopeia, then Orion, then to the Seven Sisters. He was searching for Andromeda when Duo spoke again.
"Sister Helen was a nun at the Maxwell Church on the colony I grew up on," he said, tone neutral. "I was a street rat, a war orphan, you know? Well, one day I stole from the priest of this church, Father Maxwell, and got caught.This guy, he coulda turned me in, but he didn't. He took me in, gave me food and a place to sleep. He and Sister Helen looked after me and a bunch of other kids. Sister Helen and I didn't get along at first, mostly because she wanted to cut my hair and I did ~not~ want her to."
Heero felt his mouth quirk slightly at this. Duo and his almost ridiculous hair...
"Finally, she gave up and taught me how to braid it and take care of it," Duo went on. "She took a special shine to me after that, I guess. I was the only kid there no one would adopt. A few people tried, but they were the wrong sort. They were either perverts or just wanted a handy little punching bag. So I ran away and went back to the church every time. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell always accepted me back, too.
"Then, one day, they died. Because of some stupid terrorists and a very stupid eight-year-old who thought he could save the only people who gave a shit whether he lived or not," he finished, his voice no longer bland and flat but bitter and hoarse. Heero turned his head to look at him. Duo's body was a taut line, his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched.
When after a while he opened his eyes, they reflected the faint pinpricks of starlight. He slanted a look at Heero, and their eyes met. For a long moment they held like that. Heero thought he saw something stirring in those depths, something both familiar and alien. He felt a shiver ghost down his back and didn't understand.Then Duo looked away.
"That's why I'm Shinigami," he said and gave a mirthless, self-deprecating bark of laughter.
"Were," Heero said, after a short pause.
"Huh?" Duo said, looking at him in confusion.
"You ~were~ Shinigami. You aren't any more. Just like I am no longer a soldier," Heero told him, moving his head to gave back at the stars.
"That - that's not the same - " Duo stammered, sounding surprised.
"Yes it is. The war made you into something, just as it did to me. We had no choice but to become what we are. The war is over. Therefore, we don't have to be what it made us anymore," he explained. "We are supposed to move on, ne?"
"But - I - ....," said the American. His mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. Then, without warning, he grinned widely and laughed again, but this time with actual humor. "You know, here I am, trying to help ~you~ get your head together, and you go and prove that I have no freakin' clue what I'm doing. That I'm just as fucked-up as you are, if not more so. Talk about the blind leading the blind."
"That's not what I meant," Heero began, frowning. He really did appreciate the effort Duo was making; he enjoyed getting to know someone. He'd never really had the chance to with anyone, not counting Relena. Hell, he wasn't sure how well he knew ~her~, even. After all, he'd thought he'd had Duo's whole personality pegged before, and now, only a week later, he realized just how wrong he was. He had never talked with Relena like he did with Duo. How much did he really know about her?
"Daijoubu," Duo said placatingly, bringing Heero out of the split-second reverie. "I got your message, loud and clear. No more morose musings on the past. We've got to look forward, not backward, and all that jazz. Gotta change with the times, ne?"
"Hai," Heero agreed.
They watched the stars in silence for a while longer.
"Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"What's that poem again?"
Duo woke up with a crick in his neck, a sore back, and no feeling in his left leg. He groaned sleepily, twisting into the warmth at his side, and arm draping over it. He nuzzled into soft, tickling hair that smelt familiar. Like...
"...Heero?" he murmured, opening his eyes as a mixture of confusion, elation, and cold dread welled in his chest. Sure enough, Heero was spooned against him, the Japanese youth's back to his chest. They had fallen asleep outside. No wonder he was sore; he'd been sleeping on rocks all night. Dawn was just now peeking over the eastern mountain tops.
* Shit. * Duo thought, dread overwhelming the elation. He released Heero cautiously so as not to wake him up and got to his feet, stretching the kinks out of his back and pacing a bit to work the excruciating pins-and-needles feeling out of his leg. Heero continued to snooze obliviously. Duo debated on whether to wake him or not, and decided not to. Heero's face was just so... peaceful. That was as far as he'd let himself get, knowing if he went any further he'd get disgustingly poetic and sappy. Instead, he knelt and ever so carefully hefted him in his arms.
Heero was no feather-weight. He was short and thin, but he was all dense muscles and sturdy bones. It was a good thing that Duo was not the ninety-eight-pound weakling he looked to be, either. Working at his salvage yard had kept him strong and fit, and he managed to carry Heero into the cabin. Duo set his friend down on the lower bunk, took Heero's shoes off, and pulled the covers over him. Then he went back outside to get the blanket and shake it out.
He couldn't believe he'd actually gotten up the nerve to tell Heero about his past. Granted, not ~all~ the details, but he'd never told ~anyone~ - not even Hilde - about the Maxwell Church. It surprised him that he actually felt better for it. He knew Heero wasn't the sort to tell anyone else. It was hard enough to get the guy to talk in the first place.
He ~was~ getting better, though. He actually kept up his end of the conversation last night. Quite an improvement. Maybe he'd open up soon and spill about what was going on in his life. Then... well, Duo didn't know what he'd do then. They'd have to play it by ear and see what happened.
Just then, his belly growled loudly and petulantly.
He gave a sardonic grin. So much for serious contemplation. He hadn't eaten since the granola bars he and Heero ate for lunch while hiking yesterday. Food first, he decided as he folded the blanket and went inside. He could think deep thoughts later.
Half an hour later, the pancakes were staking up on two plates and he scrambled the eggs cheerfully, singing a popular rock song as he did so. He heard Heero groan from his bunk and grinned deviously. He sang louder, banging the dirty dishes in the sink and then scraping the eggs into a bowl. Duo set the food on the table along with milk and syrup, then strolled briskly across the small living room, crawling over the back of the couch in the process.
"Oh, Heeeeeerrrooo!" he called. "Wakey wakey!"
Heero groaned again, pulling his pillow over his head and turning to face the wall. Duo smiled. Heero was so ~cute~ sometimes. Not that he would ever tell Heero that. He wasn't ~completely~ stupid. Still, it ~was~ time to get up. He grabbed the covers and peeled them back. Then he yanked the pillow from over Heero's ear.
"Rise and shine!" he said loudly. "Breakfast is ready and waiting!"
"Mmph," said Heero, rolling onto his other side to glare at Duo, who did his best to look innocent.
"You don't want your pancakes to get cold, do you?" he asked reasonably.
Heero sighed and capitulated, getting to his feet. He noticed his still-clothed state and looked at Duo questioningly.
"Yeah, well, we both kinda fell asleep outside," Duo said with a shrug, hoping he wasn't blushing. "I didn't think it would be fair to wake you up when I woke up. I mean, at least ~one~ of us should get some rest."
"Sou ka," Heero rumbled, stretching. Duo looked away, lest he be caught staring at the way Heero's body rippled attractively.
"Anywho, I need to go in town for supplies again today. I'd offer to take you with me, but you're still a wanted man. It's prolly for the best if you just stay put," Duo said as they both crossed to the peninsula/table.
"Aa," Heero agreed.
They ate in companionable silence, mostly because both were too busy stuffing food in their mouths to talk much. Hiking was hungry business without waiting ten extra hours, and both ex-pilots were ravenous. Finally, when all the pancake batter had been used up and the two young men were sated, Duo pushed his chair back.
"Well! I'd better get going if I want to be the first in the check-out line! Clean up the dishes, kay? Byyyyee!" he called as he snatched his jacket off the couch and rapidly departed. Heero blinked after him, then frowned when he realized he'd just been stuck with a mountain of dirty dishes, bowls, pans, and cooking utensils.
Duo pulled some change out of his pocket and inserted the coins into the slot on the payphone. He dialed the familiar number, though this time he had to add on extra area codes, and then waited while the number connected. Then he listened to a phone ring four times before it was finally picked up.
"Hello?" the speaker grated out as a fuzzy picture of formed on the screen.
"Hey, Hilde! You miss me?"
"Duo! Of course I miss you! The guys don't listen to me without the Duo Maxwell to perform the strangle-hold glomp on them if they don't get their jobs done," the bright-eyed girl replied, breaking into a lopsided smile. "Where are you?"
"Somewhere with mountains. Dunno ~exactly~ where," he said, scratching the back of his head.
"Duo!"
"So I'm lousy at geography! Gimme a break!"
"How's the search coming along?" Hilde asked, leaning closer and scratching her ear. Duo recognized the signal. Someone was monitoring their conversation.
"Swimmingly," Duo said, using the code word they'd agreed upon before he left and thus communicating that he had indeed found Heero. He ~knew~ that Relena wouldn't wait for him to notify her if he found Heero. The woman had no trust in him, which was probably well-founded, considering. But he didn't like the idea of someone tapping into his and Hilde's private conversations.
Before he left, he and Hilde devised a simple system to let her know if he'd found Heero so she could tell Wufei. He didn't dare call Wufei directly, because Relena would probably monitor Wufei's phone lines as well. But Hilde had the access to encoding technology which Duo had left behind for his sojourn with Heero. Wufei's only stipulation when he'd offered to help Duo out was that the American had to let him know if he found Heero or not, and Duo always paid his debts.
"Oh really?" Hilde asked, skepticism coloring her tone.
"Well... except for one thing."
"What's that?"
"I have ~no~ clue where the bastard has gotten to," he told her, and he grinned embarrassedly. It wasn't ~quite~ a lie; he didn't know if Heero was still in the cabin or if he'd gone on a hike or something.
"Duo!" Hilde exclaimed, then began to scold. "What are you doing down there? Sniffing the flowers? Waiting for Heero just to stroll up to you and say, 'Please oh ~please~ take me back to Relena!'?"
"So you're saying that isn't too likely?"
Hilde laughed. "You -"
"I know, I know. Baka," he said, tapping his temple and crossing his eyes.
"Seriously though, when are you coming back?" she asked, eyes a little anxious.
"I'll prolly hang out here a couple more days, see if anything turns up. After that, who knows? It's really beautiful down here, it being spring and all. I might stick around to enjoy it," he hedged.
Hilde sighed. "I do miss you, you know? So try not to be too long if you can't find him."
"I'm not leaving till he's found. I don't do things by halves," Duo told her stubbornly.
"I know. Just don't ~over~ do it. Kay?"
"Kay. See ya, Hilde!" he caroled with a parting wave before he hung up. He felt good as he hopped off the sidewalk and onto the bike, kicking it to life. He was making progress with Heero, he'd notified the necessary authorities, and thrown Relena off the scent in the process.
They'd have all the time in the world now. Though if Heero didn't crack soon, Duo was tempted to throw in the towel. It wasn't really fair, and he chastised himself for thinking about leaving. It'd take longer than a week of chumminess to get Heero to trust him. Ah, well. It wasn't like he was suffering anymore than usual. Granted, it was a constant thorn in his side that his obsession was so close and yet so far away. But he'd take mere companionship over nothing at all.
Duo had thought he was over Heero, but now he knew he was ~not~. Ignoring his feelings had been easy a few days ago, when he hadn't had the slightest hope he'd ever see the Japanese boy again. Now he felt the constant ache of longing welling up again, like blood seeping out of a freshly-healed torn open anew. It just wasn't fair. But then, life never ~had~ been fair. One would've thought he'd be used to it by now.
Frowning at himself for waxing angsty and self-pitying, Duo sped down the main road of the town and pulled in at the grocery store. But, as he began shopping, he decided to crack open the Jack Daniel's that night. Not for Heero's sake, but for his own.
God, he needed a cigarette.
TBC...
Thalia: You mean you're actually going to write another song fic?
Eros: Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your first one?
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GW, or the song "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins, the most rockin'-est band ever!
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//
//Cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
Come into my life forever
The crumbled cities stand as known
Of the sights you have been shown
Of the hurts you call your own (you know you know)
Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
Heero sat at the back of the restaurant in the corner booth, alone, cold, and wind-blown from his long ride on the motorcycle. He huddled over his mug of coffee wearily, inhaling the steam before sipping the stimulant. He drank it though it was bitter; he'd need the energy to keep driving. He wasn't far enough away yet.
The Preventers would be after him shortly; Relena would see to that. He wondered what she'd tell them to get them to look for him. That he was kidnaped, maybe? But knowing her, she probably wouldn't even need an excuse. They'd do her bidding simply because she was Relena Peacecraft Dorlian, Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation. She wasn't manipulative, and she didn't abuse her power. She just compelled people.
He'd left his ring on the night stand.
It cost him dearly to leave her. He could feel the emptiness inside him more than ever. No purpose, no mission, no emotion to fill it, it ate at him steadily as he downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. He stood, pulled change out of his pocket, and scattered it across the table. He trudged back out into the chill breeze of spring. His motorcycle, the only thing of value he'd bought after the war, stood ready and waiting for him.
So did someone else.
Duo took a long drag on the cigarette, watching Heero approach. He grinned when the space cadet finally noticed him. Heero froze, staring blankly as if he couldn't process this new development. He took another drag and laughed as he dropped the filter and stepped on it.
"Yo, Heero. Long time no see," he said casually.
"How did you find me?" Heero asked, sounding surprised.
"Well, it's an interesting story. Y'see, at about four a.m. L2 time, Relena calls me with a little problem. How the hell she got my number, I don't know. I would've hung up on dear Relena-chan right away. That is, ~if~ she hadn't mentioned an old partner of mine. Seems he'd gotten cold feet, and she was wondering if he'd contacted me. Selfish of her, really. Woke both Hilde and me up, demanding to see her fiance," Duo explained as Heero came up to him. "But because I'm really all heart, I decided to come down here and look for her fiancé. Have you seen him?"
"Hn. What are you going to do now?" Heero demanded, crossing his arms.
Duo rocked back on his heels and perched his hands on his hips, examining his war buddy. Even in the vague illumination of the neon sign above the diner door, he could tell the other was not fairing well. They had both grown taller, but Duo noted that the top of Heero's head was level with his own eyes. Heero had become more broad-shouldered as well, but his face had the thinness of worry, with the hollows in his cheeks more prominent and dark circles around his eyes. He was wearing his jeans and blue jacket, and looked so achingly familiar that the American had to resist the urge to tackle him in a fierce hug.
"I dunno," he relied as he strangled the urge. "What do you want me to do?"
"What?"
"I didn't rush down to earth to drag your sorry ass kicking and screaming back to Relena," Duo said point blank. "I want to keep you from screwing yourself over royally."
"I don't need your advice."
"I never offered it. I'm saying that ~you~ need to figure out some things, and I'm gonna help as best I can."
"What are these things I need to figure out?" Heero asked in his I'm-pissed-because-you-saw-something-I-was-trying-to-hide voice. Duo resisted a smug grin, then ticked off reasons on his fingers.
"Whether or not you really want to get away from Relena and whether or not you're coping with peace. Same things I had to ask myself, sans the Relena bit," Duo replied. "Anyhow, I took the liberty of procuring a cabin in the mountains near here. All the comforts of home, plus it's so out of the way that the Preventers don't even know it exists. You can spend as much time there as you like, if you want to come with me."
Heero stood stock still, considering for a moment. Duo stared at him firmly, trying not to look worried. The longer he had to wait, the more he began to doubt the wisdom of his actions. Why would Heero want to talk to him, after all this time? Would Heero still trust him? It'd been two years since they'd last seen each other, and they hadn't exactly been pen pals. He knew he probably shouldn't have come. It brought back too many feelings he'd thought he was over. But he really hadn't had a choice; from the moment he saw Relena's face when he answered the phone, he knew he would have to do this.
"All right," Heero agreed after such a long time that Duo was startled. "Do you have transportation?"
"Nope, I hitched a ride here," Duo said, thanking Wufei mentally. The other former gundam pilot had mislead the other Preventers away from this area after he'd discovered Heero's presence. The five pilots still were bonded by something strong enough to make them protective of one another. Obviously Wufei had noticed Heero's mental state and had wanted to be sure his comrade was all right. Or something like that. Duo didn't ~think~ Wufei would be so spiteful as to deliberately thwart Relena's wedding, but the Chinese boy's motives were hazy at the best of times.
"Then get on. We're going to keep moving for a while more," Heero said, trying to push past Duo to get on the motorcycle. Duo put out a hand and stopped him.
"Hey, man, you're still a superhero, but you've been driving for about twenty-eight hours straight, if my calculations are correct. You ain't drivin' ~me~ around in that state. You'd fall asleep and crash and we'd ~both~ die," Duo said teasingly. "Leave this to someone who's actually awake, ne?"
Heero glared dangerously at him. Then he thrust the keys at Duo, hopped onto the bitch-seat, and looked at Duo challengingly. Duo had to grin. He hadn't thought Heero would actually agree to the suggestion. He straddled the machine, and started it up with an impressive rumble. He revved the engine in approval, then put it in gear. Heero snatched at his shoulders to keep from falling off as they peeled out of the parking lot. Duo laughed at him while squeezing the throttle, and they sped off toward the highway.
Later on, Duo yawned. The drive had been invigorating at first, with the wind in his face and Heero behind him. He'd missed earth, with it's fresh, unrecycled air and the beautiful blue-black sky full of stars. He could almost pretend that they were ~together~, not just close enough to feel the heat of one another in spite of the rush of the cold wind.
Sometime after the sun rose, Heero fell asleep. Though Duo guiltily relished the feel of Heero's arms around his waist, Heero's chest against his back, and - most endearing of all - Heero's cheek against his shoulder, he realized that his passenger must be even more exhausted than first anticipated. Otherwise, Heero would ~never~ have allowed himself the weakness. Duo shifted his weight to compensate for Heero's insensibility. This would be difficult. Not the driving, but the whole "mission" he was on. Getting Heero to realize his true feelings for Relena, whether he loved her or not, was going to be tough. The young man was as easy to figure out as a Rubix cube.
Maybe it was a mistake to think he was over Heero enough to do this. But really, how could he hang back when Relena had called, hysterical and accusing him of hiding Heero away from her? He grinned wickedly. How could he resist doing exactly what the girl accused him of? She irked him so much with her superior attitude and her high-handed ways, not to mention the fact that it was ~she~ who'd gotten Heero. He brooded on that for a moment.
* Well, I never had a claim to Heero. * he admitted to himself. * I guess I can't actually ~blame~ Relena for taking him...*
He frowned, angry at himself. Determined to stop thinking for the rest of the drive, he turned down the dirt road that would take him to the cabin.
Duo pulled into the yard outside the small building about an hour later and parked the bike, putting the kickstand down. He bit back a sigh of regret when he nudged Heero with his elbow. Heero grunted softly and stirred. His arms tightened around Duo's waist and he made a small noise of protest.
Duo quirked an eyebrow and grinned, though he had to fight off a blush. "Good morning to you too," he said in his distinct tenor.
~That~ snapped Heero awake. His eyes opened comically wide and he released Duo hurriedly. He almost fell off the bitch-seat, but caught his balance in the nick of time.
"Gomen," he muttered while Duo snickered.
"C'mon, man. We're here," the American said, dismounting. He pulled the key from his pocket as he approached the door to the building.
Heero shuffled behind him, trying to work the cramps out of his back, neck, and legs as he vowed never to fall asleep on a motorcycle again. Duo quickly got the door open, and they went inside. It was dim and dingy, and it had the musty smell of unaired house. Duo hit the light switch and the place brightened marginally in the light of a bare 60-watt bulb hanging overhead.
It was a hunters' cabin and it was built to use the small area to the fullest efficiency. Bunk-beds lined the far wall of the main room. A threadbare couch placed in the center of it face the wall to the right, where an outdated television sat. The tiny kitchen was separated from the main room by a peninsula counter that doubled as the table. The compressed bathroom was the only other room in the cabin. Duo's backpack lay on the floor beside the bottom bunk, and the lack of dust and cobwebs suggested that the American had cleaned up a bit beforehand.
"Wufei told me about this place once. Said he'd used it during the war, before we had to go back up to space," Duo said as he walked in. He turned back to face Heero, who still stood in the doorway. "You gonna come in, or you just gonna stare all day?"
Heero loped inside as Duo opened the cupboard under the peninsula. The braided ex-pilot pulled out sheets and blankets, which were clean but musty. They could wait to be washed. Duo was dead tired and rather sore from riding a motorcycle for roughly eight hours, with only a couple breaks to fill gas. He made the two beds quickly while Heero used the bathroom.
"Which do you want?" Duo asked when Heero emerged. "The top or the bottom?"
The other young man just shrugged as he took off his jacket. Duo rolled his eyes. He'd almost managed to forget how exasperating Heero could be with his silent communication.
"Fine, I'll take the top," Duo said. He divested himself of his black leather bomber jacket and his combat boots. "And I'm beat, so I'm gonna pass out for a while. Explore the mountain or something if you don't wanna sleep."
"Hn," Heero commented as Duo clambered up into the bunk.
As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered again if this was a wise idea.
Heero paced the small area between the back of the couch and the peninsula. He crossed his arms broodingly and glowered at his unconscious friend. It hadn't been ~that~ long since he'd last seen Duo, yet it felt like a lifetime ago that they'd been partners. Hell, it seemed a lifetime ago that he'd been living at the Peacecraft mansion. Amazing what thirty-six hours of freedom could do.
Freed from the pressure of Relena's attentions, Heero felt like a new man. He was finally able to think clearly, without the young woman's views superimposed over his own. Yet, along with the freedom came a heavy burden of guilt. He ~did~ genuinely care for Relena. But... something was missing, something was off-kilter in their relationship. He'd felt out-of-control.
* But don't people say that's what love is? * he argued in his mind. Was he throwing away something wonderful simply because he was too frightened by what it entailed?
He frowned harder, not able to answer the question. It was a strange thing to him, not being able to sort out his own feelings and reasons.
* Duo said that's what he wanted to help me with. How'd he know? *
The American turned in his sleep to face Heero, his slack mouth parted very slightly. Heero observed him as he began to snore quietly. There was more to Duo than first appeared. Heero wondered with chagrin if he actually knew his former partner at all. He felt a twinge of regret that he hadn't cultivated any real friendship with the young man in the war, and was confused as to why Duo would come to his proverbial rescue when they hadn't even spoken together since the Mariemeia incident.
Heero yawned suddenly, his jaw almost cracking from opening so wide. The few hours of uneasy rest he'd gotten on the back of the motorcycle had done little to alleviate his fatigue. He crossed to the lower bunk and sat on it wearily. The rusty box-springs groaned under his weight as he kicked his shoes off and swung his legs under the covers. Worrying could wait, he decided. Right now, he needed sleep.
After he woke up on the first day, Duo went to get supplies in a town a few valleys away. Somehow, he managed to pack enough food to last them a week onto the motorcycle. Then he visited the liquor store and stole two pints of Jack Daniel's. He stole because he didn't have his fake ID with him, and besides which he didn't want to waste his money on alcohol. It was just in case Heero wouldn't spill his guts by merely talking to him. Then Duo would see if getting him drunk first would help.
* Besides, * Duo thought with a devious grin, * it'd be friggin' funny to see Heero drunk. *
When he arrived back at the house, Heero was gone. A note written on a scrap of yellowed paper explained that he'd gone for a hike in the mountains and would be back sometime that evening. Duo sighed in disappointment, but not surprise. He knew Heero would probably need some alone time. Duo began putting things away, and when the groceries were stowed and the liquor hidden in the back of the fridge, he washed the blankets and sheets in the bathtub. Growing up in filth had made him supremely appreciative of the luxury of being clean. Ever since he'd been able to, he kept everything as clean as possible.
As he was hanging the sheets out to dry on a elderly clothesline behind the cabin, he heard footsteps grinding in the stoney dirt to his left. He turned to see Heero coming out of the trees. He smiled and gave a little wave, neither of which Heero returned. His heart twisted and he turned back to the clothesline with a frown on his face. He knew what Heero was like, but he had hoped the boy he'd known had opened up with maturity.
"Where were you this morning?" Heero asked when he was in earshot.
"Went shopping," Duo said with a shrug of his shoulder. "You hungry?"
A noncommital noise was all he got in response.
"Come on, then, I'll make us something to eat," he said.
Heero followed Duo with some trepidation. He recalled Duo's cooking from a few of their missions together. Not that his own cooking skill was better, but he realized with chagrin that living here for any length of time was going to be tough on his digestive system. He sat on one of the stools at the peninsula-table resignedly, watching as Duo got ingredients out of the cupboard and fridge. Duo must have noticed his expression, because he grinned wryly.
"Don't worry, man. Hilde taught me how to make a few things that are actually edible," he said.
"Hilde?" Heero repeated the vaguely familiar name.
"Yeah, she got sick of the fire alarm going off in our apartment every time it was my turn to make dinner," the braided man said, pouring water into a warped kettle and setting it on the stove.
"Who's Hilde?" Heero asked, upset with himself for not remembering.
Duo looked at him and cocked his head. "You remember that chick who brought us the data on Libra? The girl on the gurney?"
"Oh. Her," Heero said. He pressed his lips together as Duo went back to work. Relena had told him to practice making small talk because as the husband of a diplomat he'd be expected to mix with the elite. He needed social skills, but he'd never tried to develop any. Now he wished he knew what to say. He actually wanted to talk with Duo, to get to know him and to take his mind off his own life for a bit. But how?
"So... you're living together?" he asked after a long time, then winced inwardly at how stiff and awkward he sounded. But that was how he felt in this unfamiliar place with an almost-stranger. Duo glanced up from cutting carrots, looking surprised.
"Yeah, but it's not what you think. We're just really good friends is all," Duo replied. "I feel kinda left out, you know. I'm the only single gundam pilot left. Wufei and Sally are dating, did you know? And Trowa and Quatre are practically married by now - "
Heero looked up sharply. "Trowa and Quatre are what?"
Duo looked up again, shocked. His knife stilled on the cutting board. "You didn't ~know~?"
"Know what?" Heero growled, feeling stupid. He'd suspected something was up between those two, but he never could place it-
"Well, they're together. Romantically. I probably shouldn't have let it slip, if they didn't tell you themselves. I thought you knew already, though," Duo explained with a shrug.
"Hn," was all Heero could think of to say. He clenched his hands on the counter top.
"You okay with that?" Duo asked, going back to cutting the carrots.
"With what?"
"You know. With Trowa and Quatre being gay," Duo said vaguely.
Heero blinked. Was he okay with it? He just found out about it! He hadn't had time to even think about that yet. He frowned. He was thinking about it ~now~. Trowa and Quatre, together in ~that~ way, holding hands how Relena liked to, or even ~kissing~ how Relena kissed him. Somehow... despite the shock of finding out, he wasn't surprised. The two boys somehow were... right for each other.
"I guess. They're good people," he replied after a pause.
"Aaannnnnyyyyhow," Duo said, putting the carrots on a plate and setting them in front of Heero. "Have a snack while we wait. As I was saying before, even that schizophrenic Zechs hooked up with Noin. I'm the only unattached one, or at least, I was until recently. I'm not sure if I can't count you as unattached, though."
Heero grunted and picked up a carrot stick. He munched it slowly, thinking about what Duo said. Unattached. No, he wouldn't say he was. He was merely away from the person he was attached to. The thought sat uneasily with him for some reason.
* Do I miss her? * he wondered. He'd never missed anything before. Maybe the hollowness he felt was longing? Then was he truly in love? Should he go back?
Duo stirred the macaroni noodles, frowning as he did so. He was relieved that Heero wasn't a homophobe, but he was entirely too hopeful now. He reminded himself that it was a ~very~ long step between tolerance and willingness. Besides which, he was ~not~ here to seduce Heero. He was here to get the moron's head on the right way. He could tell Heero was confused; it showed in his uncertain body language, his unguarded facial expressions. Well, as unguarded as Heero got.
"Duo," Heero said after a long silence. Duo managed not to jump in startlement. He turned around, putting the old wooden spoon down on the counter top.
"Yeah, Heero?"
"Have you... ever been in love?" Heero asked, without looking up from the plate of carrots.
* Well, shit. He doesn't start with easy questions, does he? * Duo thought, then said aloud, "Yeah. Once."
"What's it like?" at that, Heero did look up, and his expression was at once forbidding and vulnerable. Only Heero could that pull off. Duo resisted a snort at the thought; Heero would probably take it the wrong way.
"It's hard to explain," Duo hedged, and he turned the heat of the burner down before going to sit on the other stool. He gathered his thoughts, tried to figure out how to explain his emotions without getting either too mushy or too obvious.
"It's different for everyone, mind you," he began, "For me, it's like... there's this tension in you went you see them, but it's a good kind of tension. They bring out the best qualities in you, and you want to be with them for no reason at all. And when they aren't around, they're all you can think about. They drive you nuts sometimes, but you always forgive them in the end. Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..."
He trailed off, hoping Heero wouldn't notice the copious use of non-gender-specific pronouns. He felt so stupid, quite sure that his explanation lacked a great deal. Like how he'd felt dizzy and content sometimes, back in the old days, when he and Heero were on a mission together. Like how much it had ~hurt~ to come to terms with the fact that he could never have the one person he loved so deeply. Like how he'd almost been ~glad~ when the Mariemeia incident occurred, just because he would get to see him again.
He ~did~ jump in startlement when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up across the table at Heero, who looked very serious.
"Heero?" he managed to ask.
"Duo... " the Japanese man began quietly.
"Yeah?" Duo said, nervously scanning Heero's face.
"The noodles are boiling over."
The words were so far from what Duo expected, all he could do was blink for a second. Then he actually processed what Heero said. He leapt up comically fast.
"Aiyah! The noodles!"
//The empty bodies stand at rest
Casualties of their own flesh
Afflicted by their dispossession
But no bodies ever knew
nobodys
No bodies felt like you
nobodys
Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
A week passed with nothing much happening. Duo and Heero went on long hikes everyday, exploring the forested mountains by following game trails. Slowly, they were getting to know each other better. For example, Duo learned that Heero had a weakness for fresh vegetables, especially carrots and lettuce salads. Heero learned that Duo was not the one-dimensional joker he'd assumed the American to be during the war. They discussed politics, finding that they agreed on many points. Heero, who'd been guilty because his views differed so radically from Relena's, felt much better.
The dark hollowness inside him wouldn't abate, however, and at times grew to an aching poignancy almost too sharp for him to bear.
One such time came when he and Duo had been hiking all day and were heading back to the cabin. Duo walked jauntily ahead and rambled about something or other he'd heard from Quatre. Heero listened with only half an ear, concentrating mostly on his footing; the path was steep and rocky with ancient tree roots popping up at irregular intervals. One false step and he might plummet over the 60-foot cliff off the right side of the path.
They came to a bend in the path, coming out of the shade of the mountain and into the reddish-orange light of late evening. Heero shielded his eyes, keeping his gaze on the ground in front of him. So intent on not tripping, he didn't notice Duo had stopped until he ran into the braided young man. Duo was knocked off-balance and stumbled, nearly stumbling over the side of the cliff. Heero, feeling a wave of adrenalin flood through him like quicksilver, reached out and grabbed onto the most easily reachable part of him, his hips, and threw his own weight backwards.
They landed in a heap against the trunk of a juniper tree. Duo lay heavily on top of Heero, stunned for a moment, and Heero panted a little from having the air knocked out of him when they'd hit the ground. Then Duo squirmed a bit, and Heero realized with some embarrassment that he still was holding Duo's waist. He hastily let go and the American rolled off him.
"Gomen," Heero breathed, feeling very foolish for not looking where he was going.
"Never mind," Duo said, sounding excited and breathless as he quickly stood. His face had a look of wonder on it that made him... different, somehow. He grabbed Heero's arm and yanked him to his feet, then turned him so he faced west into the setting sun. "Look."
Heero looked. And felt his breath hitch in his throat.
The vista before him was breathtaking. The mountains around him were lit with molten gold sunlight. The sky was on fire with it, blue turned to the colors of glowing hot coals with the high, feathery clouds burning bright magenta. The sweeping lines of the mountains directly in front of him were silhouetted in near-black. He could barely make out the cabin by shading his eyes and squinting.
"Beautiful," Duo whispered, as if afraid anything louder would shatter this vision like glass.
Heero couldn't even bring himself to nod in agreement. So heartbreakingly beautiful. He felt his throat tighten, and clenched his fists. This was almost too much. The void within him twisted, and he felt suddenly vulnerable. Uncertain. Unworthy. Yet he did not, could not look away.
They stood like that for a time, watching until the sun was out of sight behind the mountains and the sky was fast turning darker blue. Heero came to realize that Duo still held his, Heero's, jacket sleeve as if he, Duo, had forgotten about it completely. And oddly enough, Heero didn't feel that it was an invasion of space as he would have even just and hour ago. Finally Duo stirred. He let go of Heero's sleeve, looking a bit embarrassed. He smiled a very uncharacteristic subdued smile.
"Come on, it'll be dark soon," he said quietly. "I don't wanna break my neck trying to follow this path by starlight."
"Aa," Heero replied, feeling wavery and drained. He forced his muscles, which now seemed stiff and heavy, to move.
They didn't utter another word as they walked with reverent steps back to the cabin. They arrived inside just before full dark. Instead of breaking the silence and starting supper as Heero had expected, Duo grabbed a spare blanket and headed back outside. Intrigued, the Japanese ex-pilot followed. In the clearing just beyond the clothesline, Duo had spread the blanket and flopped down upon it, hands clasped behind his head.
Heero stood there for a moment, and then went inside the small house. He came back out a moment later with Duo's jacket, which the other boy hadn't taken with on their hike. He tossed it onto Duo's lap and sat down next to him on the blanket. Duo smiled in gratitude, an expression Heero only caught by the faint glint of teeth , and put on the heavy black leather jacket.
"What are we doing?" Heero asked in a low voice.
"Waiting for the stars to come out," Duo told him in a similar tone, falling with a soft thud onto his back again. Heero leaned back more gracefully, adopting a similar position. There was a few minutes of silence before Duo suddenly pointed up.
"There," he whispered. He went on in English, something that rhymed and that Heero, who only spoke a little of the language, couldn't decipher.
"What's that?" he asked.
Duo chuckled self-consciously. "It's a children's poem, kinda like a game. It means 'Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.' I learned it from Sister Helen - " He stopped suddenly, then continued. "Anyway, you say it, then you make a wish and it's supposed to come true."
Heero digested this. It seemed a rather silly and naive superstition to him. But it added another piece to his knowledge of Duo, who he was starting to think was the most complicated person he knew. Well, maybe except for Zechs Marquis, but he wouldn't think of that man now. It seemed almost sacrilegious to dredge up memories of bitter rivalry tonight.
"What did you wish for?" he asked to get his mind off the subject.
"Can't tell you; that's part of it. You can't tell anyone what you wished for, or it won't come true," Duo explained, his tone light and teasing. "You wanna try it?"
"I don't know the poem," Heero said. "Besides, it's just wishing. That stuff doesn't work. If you want something, you have to get it or do it yourself."
Duo sighed heavily, his jovial air vanishing with the exhaled breath. "I know," he murmured. "But that's not the point."
"What ~is~ the point?" Heero wanted to know, genuinely curious as to the other's motives. When Duo didn't answer, he went on, "Does it have to do with this woman - Sister Helen?"
"Aa," Duo breathed. He didn't elaborate.
Heero didn't press him; it seemed a touchy subject. He looked up at the sky, where more stars were shimmering into view across the inky blue-black sky. The Big Dipper was now visible, and he used it to find the Little Dipper. From there he went on to Cassiopeia, then Orion, then to the Seven Sisters. He was searching for Andromeda when Duo spoke again.
"Sister Helen was a nun at the Maxwell Church on the colony I grew up on," he said, tone neutral. "I was a street rat, a war orphan, you know? Well, one day I stole from the priest of this church, Father Maxwell, and got caught.This guy, he coulda turned me in, but he didn't. He took me in, gave me food and a place to sleep. He and Sister Helen looked after me and a bunch of other kids. Sister Helen and I didn't get along at first, mostly because she wanted to cut my hair and I did ~not~ want her to."
Heero felt his mouth quirk slightly at this. Duo and his almost ridiculous hair...
"Finally, she gave up and taught me how to braid it and take care of it," Duo went on. "She took a special shine to me after that, I guess. I was the only kid there no one would adopt. A few people tried, but they were the wrong sort. They were either perverts or just wanted a handy little punching bag. So I ran away and went back to the church every time. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell always accepted me back, too.
"Then, one day, they died. Because of some stupid terrorists and a very stupid eight-year-old who thought he could save the only people who gave a shit whether he lived or not," he finished, his voice no longer bland and flat but bitter and hoarse. Heero turned his head to look at him. Duo's body was a taut line, his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched.
When after a while he opened his eyes, they reflected the faint pinpricks of starlight. He slanted a look at Heero, and their eyes met. For a long moment they held like that. Heero thought he saw something stirring in those depths, something both familiar and alien. He felt a shiver ghost down his back and didn't understand.Then Duo looked away.
"That's why I'm Shinigami," he said and gave a mirthless, self-deprecating bark of laughter.
"Were," Heero said, after a short pause.
"Huh?" Duo said, looking at him in confusion.
"You ~were~ Shinigami. You aren't any more. Just like I am no longer a soldier," Heero told him, moving his head to gave back at the stars.
"That - that's not the same - " Duo stammered, sounding surprised.
"Yes it is. The war made you into something, just as it did to me. We had no choice but to become what we are. The war is over. Therefore, we don't have to be what it made us anymore," he explained. "We are supposed to move on, ne?"
"But - I - ....," said the American. His mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. Then, without warning, he grinned widely and laughed again, but this time with actual humor. "You know, here I am, trying to help ~you~ get your head together, and you go and prove that I have no freakin' clue what I'm doing. That I'm just as fucked-up as you are, if not more so. Talk about the blind leading the blind."
"That's not what I meant," Heero began, frowning. He really did appreciate the effort Duo was making; he enjoyed getting to know someone. He'd never really had the chance to with anyone, not counting Relena. Hell, he wasn't sure how well he knew ~her~, even. After all, he'd thought he'd had Duo's whole personality pegged before, and now, only a week later, he realized just how wrong he was. He had never talked with Relena like he did with Duo. How much did he really know about her?
"Daijoubu," Duo said placatingly, bringing Heero out of the split-second reverie. "I got your message, loud and clear. No more morose musings on the past. We've got to look forward, not backward, and all that jazz. Gotta change with the times, ne?"
"Hai," Heero agreed.
They watched the stars in silence for a while longer.
"Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"What's that poem again?"
Duo woke up with a crick in his neck, a sore back, and no feeling in his left leg. He groaned sleepily, twisting into the warmth at his side, and arm draping over it. He nuzzled into soft, tickling hair that smelt familiar. Like...
"...Heero?" he murmured, opening his eyes as a mixture of confusion, elation, and cold dread welled in his chest. Sure enough, Heero was spooned against him, the Japanese youth's back to his chest. They had fallen asleep outside. No wonder he was sore; he'd been sleeping on rocks all night. Dawn was just now peeking over the eastern mountain tops.
* Shit. * Duo thought, dread overwhelming the elation. He released Heero cautiously so as not to wake him up and got to his feet, stretching the kinks out of his back and pacing a bit to work the excruciating pins-and-needles feeling out of his leg. Heero continued to snooze obliviously. Duo debated on whether to wake him or not, and decided not to. Heero's face was just so... peaceful. That was as far as he'd let himself get, knowing if he went any further he'd get disgustingly poetic and sappy. Instead, he knelt and ever so carefully hefted him in his arms.
Heero was no feather-weight. He was short and thin, but he was all dense muscles and sturdy bones. It was a good thing that Duo was not the ninety-eight-pound weakling he looked to be, either. Working at his salvage yard had kept him strong and fit, and he managed to carry Heero into the cabin. Duo set his friend down on the lower bunk, took Heero's shoes off, and pulled the covers over him. Then he went back outside to get the blanket and shake it out.
He couldn't believe he'd actually gotten up the nerve to tell Heero about his past. Granted, not ~all~ the details, but he'd never told ~anyone~ - not even Hilde - about the Maxwell Church. It surprised him that he actually felt better for it. He knew Heero wasn't the sort to tell anyone else. It was hard enough to get the guy to talk in the first place.
He ~was~ getting better, though. He actually kept up his end of the conversation last night. Quite an improvement. Maybe he'd open up soon and spill about what was going on in his life. Then... well, Duo didn't know what he'd do then. They'd have to play it by ear and see what happened.
Just then, his belly growled loudly and petulantly.
He gave a sardonic grin. So much for serious contemplation. He hadn't eaten since the granola bars he and Heero ate for lunch while hiking yesterday. Food first, he decided as he folded the blanket and went inside. He could think deep thoughts later.
Half an hour later, the pancakes were staking up on two plates and he scrambled the eggs cheerfully, singing a popular rock song as he did so. He heard Heero groan from his bunk and grinned deviously. He sang louder, banging the dirty dishes in the sink and then scraping the eggs into a bowl. Duo set the food on the table along with milk and syrup, then strolled briskly across the small living room, crawling over the back of the couch in the process.
"Oh, Heeeeeerrrooo!" he called. "Wakey wakey!"
Heero groaned again, pulling his pillow over his head and turning to face the wall. Duo smiled. Heero was so ~cute~ sometimes. Not that he would ever tell Heero that. He wasn't ~completely~ stupid. Still, it ~was~ time to get up. He grabbed the covers and peeled them back. Then he yanked the pillow from over Heero's ear.
"Rise and shine!" he said loudly. "Breakfast is ready and waiting!"
"Mmph," said Heero, rolling onto his other side to glare at Duo, who did his best to look innocent.
"You don't want your pancakes to get cold, do you?" he asked reasonably.
Heero sighed and capitulated, getting to his feet. He noticed his still-clothed state and looked at Duo questioningly.
"Yeah, well, we both kinda fell asleep outside," Duo said with a shrug, hoping he wasn't blushing. "I didn't think it would be fair to wake you up when I woke up. I mean, at least ~one~ of us should get some rest."
"Sou ka," Heero rumbled, stretching. Duo looked away, lest he be caught staring at the way Heero's body rippled attractively.
"Anywho, I need to go in town for supplies again today. I'd offer to take you with me, but you're still a wanted man. It's prolly for the best if you just stay put," Duo said as they both crossed to the peninsula/table.
"Aa," Heero agreed.
They ate in companionable silence, mostly because both were too busy stuffing food in their mouths to talk much. Hiking was hungry business without waiting ten extra hours, and both ex-pilots were ravenous. Finally, when all the pancake batter had been used up and the two young men were sated, Duo pushed his chair back.
"Well! I'd better get going if I want to be the first in the check-out line! Clean up the dishes, kay? Byyyyee!" he called as he snatched his jacket off the couch and rapidly departed. Heero blinked after him, then frowned when he realized he'd just been stuck with a mountain of dirty dishes, bowls, pans, and cooking utensils.
Duo pulled some change out of his pocket and inserted the coins into the slot on the payphone. He dialed the familiar number, though this time he had to add on extra area codes, and then waited while the number connected. Then he listened to a phone ring four times before it was finally picked up.
"Hello?" the speaker grated out as a fuzzy picture of formed on the screen.
"Hey, Hilde! You miss me?"
"Duo! Of course I miss you! The guys don't listen to me without the Duo Maxwell to perform the strangle-hold glomp on them if they don't get their jobs done," the bright-eyed girl replied, breaking into a lopsided smile. "Where are you?"
"Somewhere with mountains. Dunno ~exactly~ where," he said, scratching the back of his head.
"Duo!"
"So I'm lousy at geography! Gimme a break!"
"How's the search coming along?" Hilde asked, leaning closer and scratching her ear. Duo recognized the signal. Someone was monitoring their conversation.
"Swimmingly," Duo said, using the code word they'd agreed upon before he left and thus communicating that he had indeed found Heero. He ~knew~ that Relena wouldn't wait for him to notify her if he found Heero. The woman had no trust in him, which was probably well-founded, considering. But he didn't like the idea of someone tapping into his and Hilde's private conversations.
Before he left, he and Hilde devised a simple system to let her know if he'd found Heero so she could tell Wufei. He didn't dare call Wufei directly, because Relena would probably monitor Wufei's phone lines as well. But Hilde had the access to encoding technology which Duo had left behind for his sojourn with Heero. Wufei's only stipulation when he'd offered to help Duo out was that the American had to let him know if he found Heero or not, and Duo always paid his debts.
"Oh really?" Hilde asked, skepticism coloring her tone.
"Well... except for one thing."
"What's that?"
"I have ~no~ clue where the bastard has gotten to," he told her, and he grinned embarrassedly. It wasn't ~quite~ a lie; he didn't know if Heero was still in the cabin or if he'd gone on a hike or something.
"Duo!" Hilde exclaimed, then began to scold. "What are you doing down there? Sniffing the flowers? Waiting for Heero just to stroll up to you and say, 'Please oh ~please~ take me back to Relena!'?"
"So you're saying that isn't too likely?"
Hilde laughed. "You -"
"I know, I know. Baka," he said, tapping his temple and crossing his eyes.
"Seriously though, when are you coming back?" she asked, eyes a little anxious.
"I'll prolly hang out here a couple more days, see if anything turns up. After that, who knows? It's really beautiful down here, it being spring and all. I might stick around to enjoy it," he hedged.
Hilde sighed. "I do miss you, you know? So try not to be too long if you can't find him."
"I'm not leaving till he's found. I don't do things by halves," Duo told her stubbornly.
"I know. Just don't ~over~ do it. Kay?"
"Kay. See ya, Hilde!" he caroled with a parting wave before he hung up. He felt good as he hopped off the sidewalk and onto the bike, kicking it to life. He was making progress with Heero, he'd notified the necessary authorities, and thrown Relena off the scent in the process.
They'd have all the time in the world now. Though if Heero didn't crack soon, Duo was tempted to throw in the towel. It wasn't really fair, and he chastised himself for thinking about leaving. It'd take longer than a week of chumminess to get Heero to trust him. Ah, well. It wasn't like he was suffering anymore than usual. Granted, it was a constant thorn in his side that his obsession was so close and yet so far away. But he'd take mere companionship over nothing at all.
Duo had thought he was over Heero, but now he knew he was ~not~. Ignoring his feelings had been easy a few days ago, when he hadn't had the slightest hope he'd ever see the Japanese boy again. Now he felt the constant ache of longing welling up again, like blood seeping out of a freshly-healed torn open anew. It just wasn't fair. But then, life never ~had~ been fair. One would've thought he'd be used to it by now.
Frowning at himself for waxing angsty and self-pitying, Duo sped down the main road of the town and pulled in at the grocery store. But, as he began shopping, he decided to crack open the Jack Daniel's that night. Not for Heero's sake, but for his own.
God, he needed a cigarette.
TBC...