DISCLAIMER: I don't own GW, or the song "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins, the most rockin'-est band ever!
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//
//Now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace
You can't help deny forever
The tragedies reside in you
The secret sights hide in you
The lonely nights divide you in two, in two, in two//
"Heero! I'm home!" Duo called, bursting in the front door, arms laden with plastic bags filled with groceries. "Could you get the rest? They're in the saddle-bags."
Heero looked up from where he was sitting on the couch. He hastily pressed a button on the remote to turn off the ancient television set. He didn't notice the odd look Duo gave him as he got to his feet and went out to the motorcycle. Duo set his load down on the peninsula, then grabbed the remote from the couch cushion. He clicked the T.V. on.
" - ign of my fiancee, I am determined to find him. Whoever has kidnaped him will be brought to justice," Relena was saying, the flash of cameras constantly lighting up her face behind the podium. She looked as if she hadn't slept for days, and her eyes were suspiciously bright as she gave her speech. "The search for him will continue until we have either found him or found conclusive evidence of his - his death."
Heero had been watching her speech about him. Duo felt his heart wrench a little, and he promptly squashed the emotion down. He had no right to feel betrayed. He was honestly trying to help Heero, and if that meant he'd have to give Heero back to ~her~, so be it. Still, this was salt poured into his slowly bleeding wound.
Heero stood in the doorway, observing silently for a moment, his presence unnoticed. Duo watched the screen, a strange, desolate look on his face. It unnerved Heero. He glanced from the braided boy to Relena's visage on the screen.
* Could he...? * he thought, and didn't finish.
Instead, he walked in, breaking Duo's reverie with the rustle of plastic bags. Duo clicked the T.V. off, then turned to him, smile back on his face as if someone had flipped a switch. It was completely convincing, too. There was even a mischievous spark in his eyes. If Heero hadn't seen melancholy there a moment before, he'd never have guessed.
"Ne, Heero, whatcha wanna do after we get done unpacking the supplies?" Duo asked cheerfully. "Remember that stream we saw yesterday? D'you think it's warm enough to go for a dip?"
"Hn. Maybe," Heero replied noncommittally.
Duo pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and withdrew a white cylinder. He lit it with a silver Zippo lighter and took a deep drag on it. Heero watched disapprovingly as he set his bags next to Duo's on the counter top.
"Why do you do that?" he asked, gesturing when his hands were free. "You didn't during the war."
"What, smoke? Nah, I suppose I didn't," Duo told him airly. "It was just something I picked up. I'm full of bad habits, really. Besides, I don't chain smoke or anything. I go through about a pack every three months. I only do it when I'm stressed or nervous or something."
"What are you stressed about now?"
Duo looked startled. "Now?"
"Yes."
"Oh... it's... nothing important. You wouldn't be interested," Duo dismissed the question, not quite hiding his hesitation.
"Hn."
They worked in silence, putting the groceries away. Heero watched Duo out of the corner of his eye. There was something amiss here, in the way Duo was acting. Or rather, in the way he ~wasn't~ acting. He'd opened up last night, revealing the bleaker side to his happy-go-lucky nature, and just now Heero had glimpsed it again. The darker-haired young man knit his brows in a slight frown. What did it mean?
That afternoon saw Heero and a sodden, shivering Duo staggering back to the cabin.
The stream turned out to be much colder and rockier than it had looked from a distance. Duo had waded in with his pants rolled up to test the temperature and had slipped on a mossy rock. He'd given a strangled squawk before he'd fallen over. Heero couldn't help but to smirk at first, having said the river was too cold to swim in anyway. Then Duo hobbled back to shore sheepishly, not even noticing he was trailing blood behind.
Heero ~had~ noticed, though, and they washed out the wound - which was located on the outside of Duo's left ankle, just above the joint - as well as they could in the river. He made a make-shift bandage-slash-tourniquet out of Duo's socks, and they made the hike back to the cabin. Once inside, he sat Duo on the couch and got a first-aid kit from his motorcycle. He'd put it together himself, so it had considerably more than band-aids and antiseptic. As he started to prepare the suturing needle, Duo's eyes widened.
"Is that really necessary?," he asked, eyeing the needle warily.
"The cut is too deep to leave as it is," Heero replied. "It won't heal correctly. Besides, this won't take long."
"That's not exactly what I'm concerned about," Duo told him, crossing his arms. Heero stared at him until he blushed slightly and elaborated in an embarrassed tone, "It's just that I don't like needles."
Heero gave him a skeptical look. "It's just a needle, and it's sterilized. If you hold still, this'll be over in two seconds."
"I'll be timing," Duo said, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling. Heero snorted and began to work.
Duo went horribly tense; when Heero glanced at him, his face was a scowling mask and his fingers gripped his arms so tightly they were white-knuckled. Heero didn't understand the irrational fear itself, but he did understand the effect it had. He sped up the process to make it as quick and efficient as he possibly could. He put the seventeenth and final stitch in, dabbed an antibiotic salve on the trail of thread, then wrapped it up in gauze.
"Done," he said, sitting back and wiping the blood off of his hands.
Duo looked at him with an unreadable expression. "That was longer than two seconds," he said, forcing his body to relax. "I need a smoke."
As Heero cleaned up the medical supplies, Duo reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Unfortunately, it was as sodden as the rest of him. He cursed. Heero came out of the bathroom, drying his hands on a paper towel.
"What is it?" he asked.
"My smokes are ruined," Duo pouted. "It's time for something drastic."
Heero just raised an eyebrow. Duo grinned a bit deviously.
"Heero, my friend, have you ever gotten smashed?"
Hours later, Heero finally admitted it was his first time being inebriated. Duo, who was also more than a bit tipsy, found this very funny, and laughed himself off his kitchen stool. Heero blinked at him owlishly, a slight smile coming to his own lips.
"Baka. Get up," he said. "You'll tear your stitches."
"Mmm... no, I don't think so. It's safer down here," Duo said. "Can't fall any farther, ya know?"
"Good point."
"Ne, Heero, wanna hear a joke?" Duo didn't bother waiting for an answer. "So these three pieces of string walk into a bar, and the bartender goes, 'Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here.'"
Heero wasn't listening to the rest of the joke. He was concentrating on how he felt very warm and flushed, how the world seemed very bright and happy, and how his hand was quivering as he poured himself another shot of whiskey. The stuff, while he had found it quite nasty to start, had such wonderful effects that he was willing to overlook the way it scorched his throat on the way down.
"And the bit of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!'" Duo finished, then burst into another fit of laughter. "Get it? Frayed knot. 'Fraid not."
"Hah," said Heero, putting the empty shot glass down.
"Hey, man," Duo said, struggling back onto his seat. "How many of those have you had?"
"I've had - " the Japanese boy frowned, trying to recall. " - anou..."
Duo held the bottle up to the light and squinted at it as if it absorbed all his concentration. "~Damn~! You drank nearly this entire pint by yourself! And that's not countin' the pint we split!"
"Is that bad?" Heero asked, wondering why the room was tilting to one side.
"If it's not bad, then it's just fuckin' impressive!" Duo said, grinning crookedly - or was it Heero who was crooked? - and slapping him on the back. Then Duo slammed the rest of the Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle. "Hooo! Tha'ss some good stuff, ne, Heero?"
"Aa," Heero agreed.
There was a moment of silence as both of them forgot what had just been said. In that moment, Heero lost the faint smile he'd so recently acquired. He found his thoughts wandering back to Relena and the speech he'd seen this morning. She was truly worried about him. But... why was she lying about what had happened? Why was she saying he had been kidnaped? Did she actually think that? If she didn't, why was she so bent on getting him back when he obviously didn't want to be found? And what was Duo's problem? Why had he looked so... lost, so wistful when he'd watched Relena on television?
Then he remembered something Duo had said the first day, when he'd asked him about love. "Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..." the braided young man had told him, a similar melancholy in his manner. Even in the alcohol-induced haze, Heero's mind made a connection. His eyes widened and he peered at Duo, who was smiling to himself and staring blankly at the whiskey bottle still in his hand.
"Duo, are you in love with Relena?" The question tumbled out of his mouth before he could think to stop it. Duo's head snapped in his direction, utter shock and puzzlement written all over it.
"Nani?!"
"I saw you watching her speech this morning," Heero explained. "That look on your face..."
"Ohhhh!" Duo said, face relaxing. "You misinterrupetted - misisinterpet - jumped to the wrong conclusion. I'm not hornin' in on your chick, so don't worry. In fact, I don't like Relena-chan all that much at all, in fact."
"Ah. I see," Heero said. Then he was suddenly curious. Normally, he wouldn't pry, but tonight he was feeling daring and his mouth was already giving shape to his question. "Who were you in love with, then?"
Duo's eyebrows raised, and he looked back down at the counter top. "Now, why do you wanna hear that?"
"Just wondered. You said you'd been in love before."
"Well, I don't think ~who~ is particularly important. I fell for them a long time ago," Duo said, realizing he was dangerously close to lying.
"Come on. You've been pestering ~me~ all week to talk about my emotions," Heero pressured.
"I don't wanna talk about it, Heero," Duo said in a low voice. "Don't make me."
Heero frowned, feeling annoyed. Why was Duo being so evasive? It wasn't that important, was it? "Duo, tell me."
Duo didn't respond.
"Duo."
"I'm not gonna tell," Duo said, getting up unstably. "I think you'd better stop askin' before one of us loses our temper."
"I'm ~not~ gonna lose my temper," Heero insisted, rather too fervently for his statement to be believable. He felt anger heating his blood, but didn't quite understand why he was being so irrational. "Just tell me!"
"No! Quit asking me!"
"What's the big deal? Why can't you tell me?"
"I just can't is all! Why are ~you~ throwing a tantrum about it?" Duo shot back as he began to walk away on wobbly legs. Heero grabbed his wrist and held on tightly.
"'Cause I thought we trusted each other!" he almost shouted. "Isn't that why we're here?"
"Don't talk to me about trust! I'm not the one who absolutely won't talk about myself! This conversation is the first time you said Relena's name since you got here!" Duo shouted back, desperate to get the subject off of his own love life.
While he was a little afraid that the remark was too harsh, he was mostly relieved when Heero gaped like a fish for a moment, then looked down and released his arm. Duo watched as all the anger drained from Heero's frame, replaced by atypical vulnerability.
"Gomen," Heero apologized quietly.
Duo relented and sat back down. He scooted closer to the object of his affection and draped an arm about his shoulders.
"S'all right," he said gruffly, not quite sure what to do.
There was a long, long pause. Heero seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Duo was content to wait, relieved that Heero would finally open up..
After a short pause, Heero spoke in a heavy, ponderous tone. "I don't think I love her."
"What do you mean?" Duo asked, hope blossoming in his chest. He quashed it and waited for Heero to respond.
"She wants me as a husband. A lover," Heero said slowly, thinking about each word as they flowed from his lips. "From what you said the other night, love is... different from what I feel for her. I don't know what I feel for her, but I don't love her. Not in the way you described, not in the way she wants.
"She's just so... innocent. Like a child. Like a little girl..." he trailed off, his throat closing at the memory. The girl and her puppy. The flower, which he had dried and kept, but had since disintegrated into dust. He swallowed hard, then went on quietly, haltingly. "I - I know she's the most important person in the world. We ~need~ her for peace. I want to keep her safe. But - "
Duo waited a moment, then gave Heero's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "But?"
"But," Heero said, voice a mere whisper as if he were afraid of saying it out loud. "When she kisses me. It's empty. No feeling. No emotion."
The American absorbed this with a very serious nod. "It was like that with Hilde and me, back in the day. Before I realized that I'm - "
Heero perked up a bit when his friend broke off suddenly. "You're what?"
"I'm - er - not interested in her, romantically," Duo said quickly. "What were you were saying about Relena?"
Though he could tell that the braided young man was changing the subject, Heero let it be. He didn't want another fight right now.
"Relena is... charismatic," he continued slowly, thinking out loud. It seemed to be what Duo wanted him to do. "Everyone she meets is wrapped up in her way of thinking. She can get almost anyone to do almost anything. She's like Treize, in that way. The only one who can stand up to her will is Zechs. When I was with her, she took everything in me and made it so I was what she wanted. Because she is strong, and I am weak.
"I didn't mind, at first. After Mariemeia, I was lost. I wanted to just fade away, like I had after the war. But she... she held onto me. I let her, because I wasn't strong enough to resist. Weak. Relena gave me structure, gave me purpose. She wanted me to be her knight, her protector, her lover. It was so simple to give in," he finished hesitantly. He knew he'd regret talking this freely later, but for now it felt all right. The world was very fuzzy around him. He was less aware of his surroundings, though he could still feel Duo's warmth at his side - and this, for some odd reason, was not an encroachment on his personal space.
"She... took over... almost everything that made ~me~. I wasn't myself. I was... hers. I could feel myself losing pieces. I was changing, and I didn't like what I was changing into. It wasn't ~me~. So I ran," he finished, then gave a slight sigh. With a bit of surprise, he realized it felt good to tell someone.
Duo nodded again and gave Heero's shoulders a squeeze. "That seems wise."
"Hn."
Suddenly, the American laughed. Heero liked the sound of Duo's laugh; it was hearty and exuberant and it made him want to join in. He didn't, but he felt a smile once again tilt the corners of his mouth.
"Well, that's good enough for me!" Duo said, slapping Heero soundly on the back. "I hereby certify you as Unattached!"
"Unattached?" Heero repeated dumbly.
"You an' me are the Unattached Gundam Pilots!" Duo declared. "We don't have significant others and we're proud of it!"
Duo started to giggle again, but Heero was starting to feel nauseous. His head swam unpleasantly, so he laid it down on the table. Eventually, Duo calmed down enough to notice.
"Ne, daijoubu?" the braided man asked.
"Hnnn..." Heero groaned, then had to swallow hard to keep from expelling the contents of his stomach.
"Oh shit," Duo said, hauling Heero to his feet. "C'mon, buddy, work with me here."
Leaning heavily on Duo, Heero managed to get to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet. Duo supported him as he retched, an event that seemed to last a miserable eternity. Finally, when he was just dry-heaving, he reached a shaky hand and fumbled for the handle, then tried to stand. His legs were malfunctioning, however, and folded underneath him. Duo helped him to his feet and made him rinse out his mouth with water.
"Shoulda known better than t' let you drink all that whiskey," Duo muttered. "But I kinda thought that you'd be inured to the stuff, you being Superman and all."
"I'm okay," Heero slurred, feeling very dizzy and unhappy. He wobbled on his feet as Duo guided him out of the bathroom.
"I beg to differ," Duo said, catching their balance again.
Not knowing exactly how it occurred, he found himself lying in his bed with Duo's face close to his. His eyes locked on Duo's and he saw something lurking in the indigo orbs, something that made a shiver trace his spine. What was it? It made him forget that his head was spinning.
Duo leaned a hair closer, his alcohol-scented breath warm on Heero's neck. The shiver became more pronounced and his stomach twisted - neither violently or unpleasantly - in anticipation. In his drunken mind, he was sure something was about to happen - though he couldn't bring himself to realize what that something was. The American's lips twitched. Heero licked his own.
Then Duo drew back rapidly and pulled blankets up over the Japanese man's body.
"Go to sleep, Heero," he commanded, turning away.
"Ah... aa," Heero murmured, immediately losing a grip on consciousness now that there was nothing to occupy his attention. The last thing he registered was half-formed and unexpected disappointment setting in.
Duo's hangover the next morning was not as bad as some that he'd survived, but it was by no means a walk in the park. He woke with cotton-mouth and smelling like whiskey, which elicited a wave of nausea. But, as he was a "hard-drinking lad" and used to dealing with hangovers, he managed to keep his body from rebelling. He heaved his pounding head up to look around.
* Well, nothing's burnt. That's always a good sign. * he thought with heavy sarcasm, recalling the marshmallow incident at Hilde's cookout. It had taken days to get the sticky goo out of his braid. * What did I do last night? *
It took a minute to marshal his brain cells into any kind of order, but eventually they rallied enough support to play back the argument with Heero, Heero's confession, and then Heero getting sick in the bathroom. Then his memory took vicious delight in replaying that moment when he'd been putting Heero in bed. He groaned, angry at himself. In that moment, he'd been so close to losing control. Heero had been so close, and he'd looked so wonderful with his face flushed and eyes bright from the alcohol. Duo hadn't cared that Heero would probably taste disgusting, having just tossed his cookies. All he could focus on was Heero's cobalt blue eyes looking up at him trustingly as he licked his lips almost in anticipation...
* God, there's an memory that's going to be fun in the shower. * he thought and tried to dislodge it from his mind for the present. He had to get a grip on himself.
He was laying sprawled on the couch, and his back hurt where the ancient and unaccommodating springs dug into him. His neck had a crick, and he was cold for some reason. He yawned and stretched cautiously, and turned to peer out the window. He saw a wall of white and frowned as he shivered.
It wasn't all that strange for it to snow this high up and at this time of year. Winter, having only just relinquished it's grasp, sometimes reasserted itself in this fashion. However, the cabin hadn't been built for winter use. It was made for summer hunters, and no heating system had been installed. Duo frowned harder and got up. He'd have to improvise too avoid freezing. He dragged his bedraggled form around the peninsula and opened the oven door. Then he turned on the oven and all the burners on the stovetop.
After a brief thought of breakfast - which his stomach firmly protested - Duo decided to go back to sleep until the worst of his hangover was gone. However, he couldn't manage to drag his sorry self up to his bunk, so he ripped various blankets off the bed and bundled up on the couch.
He was already hanging on the verge of a dream when the roll of paper towels he hadn't noticed sitting on the stove-top burst into flame.
// All my blisters now revealed
In the darkness of my dreams
In the spaces in between us//
Heero woke himself with coughing, choking on the acrid clouds of smoke that pervaded the house. He assessed the situation; in a series of milliseconds he had determined that the cabin was on fire, Duo was unconscious on the couch, and that his own head ached viciously. Putting the last observation aside as irrelevant, Heero rolled out of bed and crawled across the floor to the couch. As the flames and smoke were mostly coming from the kitchen, he judged they had a small amount of time before they were in danger of anything besides smoke inhalation.
"Duo!" he shouted, rising to his knees to shake Duo's shoulder. The braided ex-pilot groaned and coughed, but nothing would rouse him completely.
As soon as this was apparent, Heero hoisted Duo off the couch and over his shoulder. He hurriedly rushed out of the cabin and into a blizzard. The shock from hot to cold seemed to bring Duo to semi-consciousness, because he began to squirm in Heero's grasp. Heero put him down unceremoniously in a snowbank. Then he rushed back into the cabin and managed to salvage both their jackets and bags before the roof caved in.
By that time, he was back out in the snow, forcing Duo to put his jacket on. It was a chore because the other young man was now coughing up thick, black mucus and shivering almost convulsively.
"What's - happening?" Duo managed to gasp between coughing fits.
"The cabin burnt down," Heero replied. He frowned as he said it, because he hadn't the vaguest idea how this turn of events had come about.
"Shit," Duo said, turning pale as he repressed his coughs. "There must've been something on the stove."
"You know what happened?" Heero demanded.
"Sort of," came the miserable reply. "I woke up and it was cold 'cause of this blizzard. There wasn't a heater or anything in the house, so I cranked up the stove and oven so we wouldn't turn to popsicles. Obviously, something was close enough to start on fire.
"I'd apologize, but 'sorry' doesn't really cover it, does it?" Duo finished weakly, not looking up to meet Heero's gaze. His face burned with shame at his idiocy. It was such a stupid simple mistake. God, what must Heero think of him now?
Heero didn't reply, merely pulled on his own smokey-smelling jacket and waded through the snow to his motorcycle. He brushed the collected white flakes from it and started it up. At first, Duo thought Heero was going to abandon him with the crackling and smoking heap that was once a refuge, but the Japanese man stopped next to him.
"We'd better go before someone sees the smoke and comes to put the fire out," was all Heero said.
Duo, relieved, didn't respond at all, merely pulled himself to his feet and shrugged the straps of his backpack on. He hopped on behind Heero, too grateful to care that he was riding on the bitch-seat. He clung to Heero's shoulders as they sped away.
Not too surprisingly, the storm lessened as they went farther down the mountain, and by the time they reached the valley it was a beautiful sunny day. Of course, as they were both still hung-over and not a little demoralized, neither was in the mood to appreciate it. They cruised in the opposite direction of the town Duo had been buying supplies from, and they didn't stop in any of the first few towns along that road, just in case anyone would connect them to the fire.
Finally in the late afternoon, when Duo's headache had abated and his rear was numb from sitting, Heero pulled into the parking lot of a cheap motel on the outskirts of a town. Duo went in to the office negotiate a room while his partner went to fill gas at station across the street. As he waited for Heero to return, Duo brooded over his own stupidity. He'd been doing it all day on the drive, unable to even enjoy the chance to grab onto Heero without the danger of bodily harm. He was fairly certain that Heero had lost all faith in him, and not without good cause.
* Figures. I've managed to blow whatever chance I had of us becoming even just friends. Why didn't I pay more attention this morning? *
He was so embarrassed. If he had a way, he would run very far away. Or hide somewhere where no one would find him. Anything to avoid Heero and humiliation.
While he continued thinking in this vein, he found himself fumbling for his cigarettes out of habit. They'd dried out by now, but somehow they were entirely unappealing. Having just gotten over inhaling all that smoke, he didn't relish the prospect of poisoning his lungs further. He tossed the smokes into a trash can.
Heero, who'd parked the bike and come into the office while Duo was wrapped in his own thoughts, noted this with half a smirk. It took a near-death experience to get the baka to change ~anything~.
"Did you get a room?" he asked quietly. Duo started and turned forty-five degrees to face him.
"Uh - yeah. Let's go, shall we?" Duo said with a grin that he didn't really feel. Heero watched him with narrowed eyes as he left the office, then followed him as they climbed up the metal stairs to the balcony that wrapped in front of the second story rooms.
Their room was the only vacancy in the small motel, located right next to the hotel's bright neon sign. To Duo's dismay, there was only a single queen-sized bed in the room, and only two hard-backed chairs and a table in the way of other furniture. Looked like either they'd have to share or one would have to sleep on the floor. A quick glance at the floor's carpet - stained, crusty, or even burnt in a few places - ruled out the latter suggestion.
* Shit. * Duo thought.
"You hungry?" Heero asked as soon as they had put their things down on the chairs.
Food having been the least of his concerns all day long, Duo hadn't noticed until Heero said something. "Yeah."
Heero didn't even bother to say something like, "I'll be right back," or, "Dinner's on me tonight," before he spun on his heel and exited the room. Half an hour later, he returned bearing white cardboard boxes filled with Chinese food. Duo gave a pleased exclamation before he wrestled some of the cartons away from Heero. They both ate ravenously
"Geeze! Is it warm in here, or is it just me?" Duo asked as he finished the spicy sweet-and-sour chicken. He chugged his soda down to quench the burning feeling in his mouth. Heero watched with a bemused expression on his face, and when Duo had finished his soda, the Japanese man offered his own.
It had been a nerve-racking day for both ex-pilots, so when night fell, they were weary enough to just want to go to sleep. Heero crawled under the covers on one side of the bed as Duo finished re-bandaging the wound on his ankle. The American moved from his seat at the table to the bed, but he didn't get between the sheets.
"Aren't you going to be cold?" Heero asked him, puzzled at this behavior.
"Nah, man, I'm still getting over that spicy chicken. I'd overheat if I went under the covers," Duo said, twisting the truth a bit but not ~quite~ lying.
Heero merely shrugged, turned out the light, then muttered, "Oyasumi."
"G'night," Duo replied in kind.
Within a few minutes, Duo realized he was not going to be able to sleep well. Aside from the obvious circumstances, the flickering red light from the sign outside leaked through a crack in the heavy curtains and hit him right in the face. With a small huff of disgust, he turned onto his side, determined to fall asleep. After an indeterminate length of time, he gave up. He got up and crept out of the room. He bought a pack of cigarettes from the vending machine next to the ice machine, and was about to light one up when he looked back at the door to his and Heero's room.
He'd left it open, and could clearly see inside was an inferno of vivid red and orange flames. Black smoke poured out, and from inside came screaming.
"Heero," Duo said, sick horror filling his heart. He threw the cigarettes down and ran back towards the room. The balcony shook and bobbed as he ran, then gave way. Duo tumbled down, and landed painfully on the ground.
Around him lay smouldering debris; the smell of singed hair hung strong in the air. With a wave of panic, he realized he was seeing the remains of the Maxwell Church, complete was dismembered and charred bodies. He saw Sister Helen trying to crawl to another victim's side, and then he saw who it was. No sound would come from his throat as he tried to scream.
Heero had woken up to the bed shaking. Puzzled, he turned over to face Duo. The young man was shuddering in the grip of sleep, illuminated by the inconstant red glare of the neon sign. His brows were knit and his face slicked with sweat. He groaned slightly, tossing his head on the pillow.
* Nightmare. * Heero decided, then reached out and shook Duo's shoulder.
Duo gave a hoarse cry and jerked upright. He panted and looked around wildly, his braid twitching as he turned his head this way and that. Finally, he gave a sigh and relaxed back onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands.
"You okay?" Heero asked quietly. Duo started, as if he hadn't known Heero was awake.
"I'm fine," he replied. "Go back to sleep."
"You had a nightmare," Heero said, and Duo nodded. When the American didn't say anything else, he reached out a hand again and put it on Duo's shoulder. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Nah, man, don't worry about it," Duo said, moving his hands off his face. Heero could see the remnants of fear and desperation on his face, and frowned.
"Why do you do this?" he demanded irritatedly. "Why do you help ~me~ and then not let me help ~you~?"
Duo turned his neck to look at Heero, that same ~something~ that had made Heero shiver last night in his eyes. Heero felt his breath catch nervously in his throat, but he plunged onward.
"Why won't you open up? You say I'm always hiding my emotions, but you do it more. You hide behind a smile and a laugh and don't let anyone know what you're thinking," he said, unconsciously sidling closer to glare into Duo's eyes. Duo met the gaze for a long, long moment, then sighed.
"Insightful as ever, I see," he said wearily, then paused. "My nightmare was about fire. I dreamt this room was on fire, and you were trapped inside. I couldn't get in to save you. And then I was back at the wreckage of the Maxwell Church, and Sister Helen - she was dying."
He stopped there, eyes closing for a long moment, his jaw clenching. Heero gave the shoulder he held a firm squeeze.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"S'not your fault," Duo told him shortly.
Heero hesitated, at a loss for what to do. Then, haltingly, unsurely, he leaned even farther over and wrapped his arms around Duo in an awkward hug. The other man, for his part, made a shocked noise and stiffened in surprise before relaxing. Duo's arms came to return it tentatively. They stayed like that for a long moment, and Heero was surprised at how... safe, how utterly content he was. How nice it was to be so near to someone, so trusting of another.
Duo shifted against him, adjusting his arms so now one rested on Heero's waist on top of the blankets. Strangely enough, he wished there wasn't such a separation. In fact, he found himself drawing nearer into his friend's embrace. Duo smelt like sweat, but not in a bad way, and his hair gave off a not-quite-feminine scent of shampoo. Before, he'd only been this close to Duo when one of them was wounded. In this context, it was very different. He could feel Duo's breath on his neck and face and barely suppressed a shiver. What was this? Why did it so befuddle his mind and sharpen every other sense? He felt a warmth starting in his abdomen, a sort of thick heat that mired clear thoughts with half-formed hazy sultry ones.
And with a strange thrill, he realized ~what~ he felt. He was attracted to Duo.
//But no bodies ever knew
nobodys
No bodies felt like you
nobodys//
Heero tensed, and felt Duo do the same.
"What is it?" Duo asked worriedly.
As if his voice was a trigger, when he spoke Heero felt a tsunami of fear crash down upon him. He jerked out of Duo's arms, and rolled out of bed. Duo uttered a wordless exclamation of surprise, which Heero ignored as he rushed into the tiny, questionably clean bathroom and locked the door.
He panted, from panic rather than from physical exertion, and leaned against the door. In a matter of moments, his world was turned upside-down. Attracted to Duo? The thought brought on a rush of mixed emotions. Sudden understanding shot through with cold, hard fear and tangled in with desire and affection, all knotted in his chest and belly. He felt like he would retch as he had last night under the influence of alcohol.
* Shit * Heero thought, stumbling forward to grip the sides of the rust-stained sink. He looked at his pale, skittish reflection in the cracked mirror, and tried to calm himself. He had to breathe; he had to think.
* Well, * observed a detached part of his mind, * this certainly explains why Relena doesn't appeal to me physically. *
He sobered at that. He'd known he didn't desire Relena, as much easier as that would make his life. He'd never felt attraction to anyone, man or woman. At least, that's what he thought at first. Then he examined how he felt about Duo, and found that his emotions towards the other pilot were unchanged despite this new factor. He still respected him, still valued his friendship, still wanted to know him better. The revelation just added a piece to the puzzle, and a few things that didn't quite connect suddenly did.
But, Heero realized, if his feelings towards the American were unchanged, that meant that he had ~always~ been attracted to Duo. Had always had - what was it? affection? - for Duo. How long had he felt this way? When had Duo managed to squirm his way into Heero's heart? The empty, gnawing hollowness which had plagued him somehow vanished with the unveiling of this new emotion. He felt whole for the first time since... for the first time.
Yet it frightened him. Could he trust someone so deeply? Could he actually give someone so much power over him? Would Duo try to control him, as Relena had, if he found out? Heero didn't think he could bear that thought.
"Heero?" Duo's voice called through the thin door. "Are you okay?"
Heero started at the sound, and pulled himself together. He made a lightning-quick decision. He wouldn't act on these newly discovered feelings. Duo hadn't shown any interest in him romantically, and he didn't want to risk alienating him, not when he, Heero, was starting to actually trust him. Besides which, Heero knew Duo already loved someone. It would be unfair to Duo to have to deal with another romantic interest.
Slowly, he opened the door and stepped out.
"I'm fine," he lied. "Just had a hang-over relapse."
Duo titled his head as he stared at him disbelievingly.
"Right. Whatever you say, Heero," he said, his tone clearly sarcastic. He didn't press the subject, however. After a pause, he continued talking, "Look, I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. Are you feeling up to heading out now? We could go somewhere fun."
"'Somewhere fun'? Like where?"
"I dunno. Maybe like the beach. I've always wanted to hang out on some tropical island and drink from cocoanut shell-cups," Duo explained with a big, silly grin.
"Hn. Baka," Heero pronounced out of habit, but he pondered it. "Why not?"
"Woo-hoo! Get our stuff together while I go pay the bill, okay?" Duo said energetically, as if the last ten minutes had never happened. He pulled on his jacket and bounded out the door.
Heero shook his head after he left. The ex-pilot of Deathscythe may be a deep, insightful young man, but he sure as hell took pains to make sure no one would ever guess. Heero threw what few possessions they had back into their bags and slung one over each shoulder. Other than the fact he would have to control himself strictly now, he had a feeling this adventure would be 'fun' as Duo had said.
He met up with Duo down by the motorcycle. Duo sighed resignedly and made to hop up on the bitch-seat.
"Wait," Heero said. Duo stopped and looked at him questioningly. He hesitated before adding, "I don't know the way to the beach."
Duo's lips and brows twitched. Then he began to laugh richly. He slapped Heero on the back exuberantly. "Don't worry 'bout that. I'll find it eventually."
Duo mounted in the driver's seat, and started the engine growling. Heero slid into place behind him, arms twining about Duo's midsection. He flushed as he suddenly realized that this might be taken the wrong way by Duo, and loosened his grip, but only slightly. He may have control of his emotions to some extent, but he was weak enough to allow himself to indulge this once.
Duo gunned the throttle, and they sped off into the night, leaving only the scent of burnt rubber behind.
//Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
END
Well, that didn't turn out like I thought it would. Now I suppose I'll have to write a sequel. Pooh. I don't like sequels.
Psyche: It's your own fault. :P
Yeah, I know. But what did you all think, huh? Huh? ::threateningly:: Tell me!
Thalia: Calm down. I'm sure they all will review... at least, they will if they know what's good for them!
Eros: SEND C&C!!!! Please? With sugar on top?
NOTES: Song lyrics in //these//
//Now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace
You can't help deny forever
The tragedies reside in you
The secret sights hide in you
The lonely nights divide you in two, in two, in two//
"Heero! I'm home!" Duo called, bursting in the front door, arms laden with plastic bags filled with groceries. "Could you get the rest? They're in the saddle-bags."
Heero looked up from where he was sitting on the couch. He hastily pressed a button on the remote to turn off the ancient television set. He didn't notice the odd look Duo gave him as he got to his feet and went out to the motorcycle. Duo set his load down on the peninsula, then grabbed the remote from the couch cushion. He clicked the T.V. on.
" - ign of my fiancee, I am determined to find him. Whoever has kidnaped him will be brought to justice," Relena was saying, the flash of cameras constantly lighting up her face behind the podium. She looked as if she hadn't slept for days, and her eyes were suspiciously bright as she gave her speech. "The search for him will continue until we have either found him or found conclusive evidence of his - his death."
Heero had been watching her speech about him. Duo felt his heart wrench a little, and he promptly squashed the emotion down. He had no right to feel betrayed. He was honestly trying to help Heero, and if that meant he'd have to give Heero back to ~her~, so be it. Still, this was salt poured into his slowly bleeding wound.
Heero stood in the doorway, observing silently for a moment, his presence unnoticed. Duo watched the screen, a strange, desolate look on his face. It unnerved Heero. He glanced from the braided boy to Relena's visage on the screen.
* Could he...? * he thought, and didn't finish.
Instead, he walked in, breaking Duo's reverie with the rustle of plastic bags. Duo clicked the T.V. off, then turned to him, smile back on his face as if someone had flipped a switch. It was completely convincing, too. There was even a mischievous spark in his eyes. If Heero hadn't seen melancholy there a moment before, he'd never have guessed.
"Ne, Heero, whatcha wanna do after we get done unpacking the supplies?" Duo asked cheerfully. "Remember that stream we saw yesterday? D'you think it's warm enough to go for a dip?"
"Hn. Maybe," Heero replied noncommittally.
Duo pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and withdrew a white cylinder. He lit it with a silver Zippo lighter and took a deep drag on it. Heero watched disapprovingly as he set his bags next to Duo's on the counter top.
"Why do you do that?" he asked, gesturing when his hands were free. "You didn't during the war."
"What, smoke? Nah, I suppose I didn't," Duo told him airly. "It was just something I picked up. I'm full of bad habits, really. Besides, I don't chain smoke or anything. I go through about a pack every three months. I only do it when I'm stressed or nervous or something."
"What are you stressed about now?"
Duo looked startled. "Now?"
"Yes."
"Oh... it's... nothing important. You wouldn't be interested," Duo dismissed the question, not quite hiding his hesitation.
"Hn."
They worked in silence, putting the groceries away. Heero watched Duo out of the corner of his eye. There was something amiss here, in the way Duo was acting. Or rather, in the way he ~wasn't~ acting. He'd opened up last night, revealing the bleaker side to his happy-go-lucky nature, and just now Heero had glimpsed it again. The darker-haired young man knit his brows in a slight frown. What did it mean?
That afternoon saw Heero and a sodden, shivering Duo staggering back to the cabin.
The stream turned out to be much colder and rockier than it had looked from a distance. Duo had waded in with his pants rolled up to test the temperature and had slipped on a mossy rock. He'd given a strangled squawk before he'd fallen over. Heero couldn't help but to smirk at first, having said the river was too cold to swim in anyway. Then Duo hobbled back to shore sheepishly, not even noticing he was trailing blood behind.
Heero ~had~ noticed, though, and they washed out the wound - which was located on the outside of Duo's left ankle, just above the joint - as well as they could in the river. He made a make-shift bandage-slash-tourniquet out of Duo's socks, and they made the hike back to the cabin. Once inside, he sat Duo on the couch and got a first-aid kit from his motorcycle. He'd put it together himself, so it had considerably more than band-aids and antiseptic. As he started to prepare the suturing needle, Duo's eyes widened.
"Is that really necessary?," he asked, eyeing the needle warily.
"The cut is too deep to leave as it is," Heero replied. "It won't heal correctly. Besides, this won't take long."
"That's not exactly what I'm concerned about," Duo told him, crossing his arms. Heero stared at him until he blushed slightly and elaborated in an embarrassed tone, "It's just that I don't like needles."
Heero gave him a skeptical look. "It's just a needle, and it's sterilized. If you hold still, this'll be over in two seconds."
"I'll be timing," Duo said, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling. Heero snorted and began to work.
Duo went horribly tense; when Heero glanced at him, his face was a scowling mask and his fingers gripped his arms so tightly they were white-knuckled. Heero didn't understand the irrational fear itself, but he did understand the effect it had. He sped up the process to make it as quick and efficient as he possibly could. He put the seventeenth and final stitch in, dabbed an antibiotic salve on the trail of thread, then wrapped it up in gauze.
"Done," he said, sitting back and wiping the blood off of his hands.
Duo looked at him with an unreadable expression. "That was longer than two seconds," he said, forcing his body to relax. "I need a smoke."
As Heero cleaned up the medical supplies, Duo reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Unfortunately, it was as sodden as the rest of him. He cursed. Heero came out of the bathroom, drying his hands on a paper towel.
"What is it?" he asked.
"My smokes are ruined," Duo pouted. "It's time for something drastic."
Heero just raised an eyebrow. Duo grinned a bit deviously.
"Heero, my friend, have you ever gotten smashed?"
Hours later, Heero finally admitted it was his first time being inebriated. Duo, who was also more than a bit tipsy, found this very funny, and laughed himself off his kitchen stool. Heero blinked at him owlishly, a slight smile coming to his own lips.
"Baka. Get up," he said. "You'll tear your stitches."
"Mmm... no, I don't think so. It's safer down here," Duo said. "Can't fall any farther, ya know?"
"Good point."
"Ne, Heero, wanna hear a joke?" Duo didn't bother waiting for an answer. "So these three pieces of string walk into a bar, and the bartender goes, 'Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here.'"
Heero wasn't listening to the rest of the joke. He was concentrating on how he felt very warm and flushed, how the world seemed very bright and happy, and how his hand was quivering as he poured himself another shot of whiskey. The stuff, while he had found it quite nasty to start, had such wonderful effects that he was willing to overlook the way it scorched his throat on the way down.
"And the bit of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!'" Duo finished, then burst into another fit of laughter. "Get it? Frayed knot. 'Fraid not."
"Hah," said Heero, putting the empty shot glass down.
"Hey, man," Duo said, struggling back onto his seat. "How many of those have you had?"
"I've had - " the Japanese boy frowned, trying to recall. " - anou..."
Duo held the bottle up to the light and squinted at it as if it absorbed all his concentration. "~Damn~! You drank nearly this entire pint by yourself! And that's not countin' the pint we split!"
"Is that bad?" Heero asked, wondering why the room was tilting to one side.
"If it's not bad, then it's just fuckin' impressive!" Duo said, grinning crookedly - or was it Heero who was crooked? - and slapping him on the back. Then Duo slammed the rest of the Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle. "Hooo! Tha'ss some good stuff, ne, Heero?"
"Aa," Heero agreed.
There was a moment of silence as both of them forgot what had just been said. In that moment, Heero lost the faint smile he'd so recently acquired. He found his thoughts wandering back to Relena and the speech he'd seen this morning. She was truly worried about him. But... why was she lying about what had happened? Why was she saying he had been kidnaped? Did she actually think that? If she didn't, why was she so bent on getting him back when he obviously didn't want to be found? And what was Duo's problem? Why had he looked so... lost, so wistful when he'd watched Relena on television?
Then he remembered something Duo had said the first day, when he'd asked him about love. "Love is when you would do anything for someone, anything to make them happy. Even if it means that you're not..." the braided young man had told him, a similar melancholy in his manner. Even in the alcohol-induced haze, Heero's mind made a connection. His eyes widened and he peered at Duo, who was smiling to himself and staring blankly at the whiskey bottle still in his hand.
"Duo, are you in love with Relena?" The question tumbled out of his mouth before he could think to stop it. Duo's head snapped in his direction, utter shock and puzzlement written all over it.
"Nani?!"
"I saw you watching her speech this morning," Heero explained. "That look on your face..."
"Ohhhh!" Duo said, face relaxing. "You misinterrupetted - misisinterpet - jumped to the wrong conclusion. I'm not hornin' in on your chick, so don't worry. In fact, I don't like Relena-chan all that much at all, in fact."
"Ah. I see," Heero said. Then he was suddenly curious. Normally, he wouldn't pry, but tonight he was feeling daring and his mouth was already giving shape to his question. "Who were you in love with, then?"
Duo's eyebrows raised, and he looked back down at the counter top. "Now, why do you wanna hear that?"
"Just wondered. You said you'd been in love before."
"Well, I don't think ~who~ is particularly important. I fell for them a long time ago," Duo said, realizing he was dangerously close to lying.
"Come on. You've been pestering ~me~ all week to talk about my emotions," Heero pressured.
"I don't wanna talk about it, Heero," Duo said in a low voice. "Don't make me."
Heero frowned, feeling annoyed. Why was Duo being so evasive? It wasn't that important, was it? "Duo, tell me."
Duo didn't respond.
"Duo."
"I'm not gonna tell," Duo said, getting up unstably. "I think you'd better stop askin' before one of us loses our temper."
"I'm ~not~ gonna lose my temper," Heero insisted, rather too fervently for his statement to be believable. He felt anger heating his blood, but didn't quite understand why he was being so irrational. "Just tell me!"
"No! Quit asking me!"
"What's the big deal? Why can't you tell me?"
"I just can't is all! Why are ~you~ throwing a tantrum about it?" Duo shot back as he began to walk away on wobbly legs. Heero grabbed his wrist and held on tightly.
"'Cause I thought we trusted each other!" he almost shouted. "Isn't that why we're here?"
"Don't talk to me about trust! I'm not the one who absolutely won't talk about myself! This conversation is the first time you said Relena's name since you got here!" Duo shouted back, desperate to get the subject off of his own love life.
While he was a little afraid that the remark was too harsh, he was mostly relieved when Heero gaped like a fish for a moment, then looked down and released his arm. Duo watched as all the anger drained from Heero's frame, replaced by atypical vulnerability.
"Gomen," Heero apologized quietly.
Duo relented and sat back down. He scooted closer to the object of his affection and draped an arm about his shoulders.
"S'all right," he said gruffly, not quite sure what to do.
There was a long, long pause. Heero seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Duo was content to wait, relieved that Heero would finally open up..
After a short pause, Heero spoke in a heavy, ponderous tone. "I don't think I love her."
"What do you mean?" Duo asked, hope blossoming in his chest. He quashed it and waited for Heero to respond.
"She wants me as a husband. A lover," Heero said slowly, thinking about each word as they flowed from his lips. "From what you said the other night, love is... different from what I feel for her. I don't know what I feel for her, but I don't love her. Not in the way you described, not in the way she wants.
"She's just so... innocent. Like a child. Like a little girl..." he trailed off, his throat closing at the memory. The girl and her puppy. The flower, which he had dried and kept, but had since disintegrated into dust. He swallowed hard, then went on quietly, haltingly. "I - I know she's the most important person in the world. We ~need~ her for peace. I want to keep her safe. But - "
Duo waited a moment, then gave Heero's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "But?"
"But," Heero said, voice a mere whisper as if he were afraid of saying it out loud. "When she kisses me. It's empty. No feeling. No emotion."
The American absorbed this with a very serious nod. "It was like that with Hilde and me, back in the day. Before I realized that I'm - "
Heero perked up a bit when his friend broke off suddenly. "You're what?"
"I'm - er - not interested in her, romantically," Duo said quickly. "What were you were saying about Relena?"
Though he could tell that the braided young man was changing the subject, Heero let it be. He didn't want another fight right now.
"Relena is... charismatic," he continued slowly, thinking out loud. It seemed to be what Duo wanted him to do. "Everyone she meets is wrapped up in her way of thinking. She can get almost anyone to do almost anything. She's like Treize, in that way. The only one who can stand up to her will is Zechs. When I was with her, she took everything in me and made it so I was what she wanted. Because she is strong, and I am weak.
"I didn't mind, at first. After Mariemeia, I was lost. I wanted to just fade away, like I had after the war. But she... she held onto me. I let her, because I wasn't strong enough to resist. Weak. Relena gave me structure, gave me purpose. She wanted me to be her knight, her protector, her lover. It was so simple to give in," he finished hesitantly. He knew he'd regret talking this freely later, but for now it felt all right. The world was very fuzzy around him. He was less aware of his surroundings, though he could still feel Duo's warmth at his side - and this, for some odd reason, was not an encroachment on his personal space.
"She... took over... almost everything that made ~me~. I wasn't myself. I was... hers. I could feel myself losing pieces. I was changing, and I didn't like what I was changing into. It wasn't ~me~. So I ran," he finished, then gave a slight sigh. With a bit of surprise, he realized it felt good to tell someone.
Duo nodded again and gave Heero's shoulders a squeeze. "That seems wise."
"Hn."
Suddenly, the American laughed. Heero liked the sound of Duo's laugh; it was hearty and exuberant and it made him want to join in. He didn't, but he felt a smile once again tilt the corners of his mouth.
"Well, that's good enough for me!" Duo said, slapping Heero soundly on the back. "I hereby certify you as Unattached!"
"Unattached?" Heero repeated dumbly.
"You an' me are the Unattached Gundam Pilots!" Duo declared. "We don't have significant others and we're proud of it!"
Duo started to giggle again, but Heero was starting to feel nauseous. His head swam unpleasantly, so he laid it down on the table. Eventually, Duo calmed down enough to notice.
"Ne, daijoubu?" the braided man asked.
"Hnnn..." Heero groaned, then had to swallow hard to keep from expelling the contents of his stomach.
"Oh shit," Duo said, hauling Heero to his feet. "C'mon, buddy, work with me here."
Leaning heavily on Duo, Heero managed to get to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet. Duo supported him as he retched, an event that seemed to last a miserable eternity. Finally, when he was just dry-heaving, he reached a shaky hand and fumbled for the handle, then tried to stand. His legs were malfunctioning, however, and folded underneath him. Duo helped him to his feet and made him rinse out his mouth with water.
"Shoulda known better than t' let you drink all that whiskey," Duo muttered. "But I kinda thought that you'd be inured to the stuff, you being Superman and all."
"I'm okay," Heero slurred, feeling very dizzy and unhappy. He wobbled on his feet as Duo guided him out of the bathroom.
"I beg to differ," Duo said, catching their balance again.
Not knowing exactly how it occurred, he found himself lying in his bed with Duo's face close to his. His eyes locked on Duo's and he saw something lurking in the indigo orbs, something that made a shiver trace his spine. What was it? It made him forget that his head was spinning.
Duo leaned a hair closer, his alcohol-scented breath warm on Heero's neck. The shiver became more pronounced and his stomach twisted - neither violently or unpleasantly - in anticipation. In his drunken mind, he was sure something was about to happen - though he couldn't bring himself to realize what that something was. The American's lips twitched. Heero licked his own.
Then Duo drew back rapidly and pulled blankets up over the Japanese man's body.
"Go to sleep, Heero," he commanded, turning away.
"Ah... aa," Heero murmured, immediately losing a grip on consciousness now that there was nothing to occupy his attention. The last thing he registered was half-formed and unexpected disappointment setting in.
Duo's hangover the next morning was not as bad as some that he'd survived, but it was by no means a walk in the park. He woke with cotton-mouth and smelling like whiskey, which elicited a wave of nausea. But, as he was a "hard-drinking lad" and used to dealing with hangovers, he managed to keep his body from rebelling. He heaved his pounding head up to look around.
* Well, nothing's burnt. That's always a good sign. * he thought with heavy sarcasm, recalling the marshmallow incident at Hilde's cookout. It had taken days to get the sticky goo out of his braid. * What did I do last night? *
It took a minute to marshal his brain cells into any kind of order, but eventually they rallied enough support to play back the argument with Heero, Heero's confession, and then Heero getting sick in the bathroom. Then his memory took vicious delight in replaying that moment when he'd been putting Heero in bed. He groaned, angry at himself. In that moment, he'd been so close to losing control. Heero had been so close, and he'd looked so wonderful with his face flushed and eyes bright from the alcohol. Duo hadn't cared that Heero would probably taste disgusting, having just tossed his cookies. All he could focus on was Heero's cobalt blue eyes looking up at him trustingly as he licked his lips almost in anticipation...
* God, there's an memory that's going to be fun in the shower. * he thought and tried to dislodge it from his mind for the present. He had to get a grip on himself.
He was laying sprawled on the couch, and his back hurt where the ancient and unaccommodating springs dug into him. His neck had a crick, and he was cold for some reason. He yawned and stretched cautiously, and turned to peer out the window. He saw a wall of white and frowned as he shivered.
It wasn't all that strange for it to snow this high up and at this time of year. Winter, having only just relinquished it's grasp, sometimes reasserted itself in this fashion. However, the cabin hadn't been built for winter use. It was made for summer hunters, and no heating system had been installed. Duo frowned harder and got up. He'd have to improvise too avoid freezing. He dragged his bedraggled form around the peninsula and opened the oven door. Then he turned on the oven and all the burners on the stovetop.
After a brief thought of breakfast - which his stomach firmly protested - Duo decided to go back to sleep until the worst of his hangover was gone. However, he couldn't manage to drag his sorry self up to his bunk, so he ripped various blankets off the bed and bundled up on the couch.
He was already hanging on the verge of a dream when the roll of paper towels he hadn't noticed sitting on the stove-top burst into flame.
// All my blisters now revealed
In the darkness of my dreams
In the spaces in between us//
Heero woke himself with coughing, choking on the acrid clouds of smoke that pervaded the house. He assessed the situation; in a series of milliseconds he had determined that the cabin was on fire, Duo was unconscious on the couch, and that his own head ached viciously. Putting the last observation aside as irrelevant, Heero rolled out of bed and crawled across the floor to the couch. As the flames and smoke were mostly coming from the kitchen, he judged they had a small amount of time before they were in danger of anything besides smoke inhalation.
"Duo!" he shouted, rising to his knees to shake Duo's shoulder. The braided ex-pilot groaned and coughed, but nothing would rouse him completely.
As soon as this was apparent, Heero hoisted Duo off the couch and over his shoulder. He hurriedly rushed out of the cabin and into a blizzard. The shock from hot to cold seemed to bring Duo to semi-consciousness, because he began to squirm in Heero's grasp. Heero put him down unceremoniously in a snowbank. Then he rushed back into the cabin and managed to salvage both their jackets and bags before the roof caved in.
By that time, he was back out in the snow, forcing Duo to put his jacket on. It was a chore because the other young man was now coughing up thick, black mucus and shivering almost convulsively.
"What's - happening?" Duo managed to gasp between coughing fits.
"The cabin burnt down," Heero replied. He frowned as he said it, because he hadn't the vaguest idea how this turn of events had come about.
"Shit," Duo said, turning pale as he repressed his coughs. "There must've been something on the stove."
"You know what happened?" Heero demanded.
"Sort of," came the miserable reply. "I woke up and it was cold 'cause of this blizzard. There wasn't a heater or anything in the house, so I cranked up the stove and oven so we wouldn't turn to popsicles. Obviously, something was close enough to start on fire.
"I'd apologize, but 'sorry' doesn't really cover it, does it?" Duo finished weakly, not looking up to meet Heero's gaze. His face burned with shame at his idiocy. It was such a stupid simple mistake. God, what must Heero think of him now?
Heero didn't reply, merely pulled on his own smokey-smelling jacket and waded through the snow to his motorcycle. He brushed the collected white flakes from it and started it up. At first, Duo thought Heero was going to abandon him with the crackling and smoking heap that was once a refuge, but the Japanese man stopped next to him.
"We'd better go before someone sees the smoke and comes to put the fire out," was all Heero said.
Duo, relieved, didn't respond at all, merely pulled himself to his feet and shrugged the straps of his backpack on. He hopped on behind Heero, too grateful to care that he was riding on the bitch-seat. He clung to Heero's shoulders as they sped away.
Not too surprisingly, the storm lessened as they went farther down the mountain, and by the time they reached the valley it was a beautiful sunny day. Of course, as they were both still hung-over and not a little demoralized, neither was in the mood to appreciate it. They cruised in the opposite direction of the town Duo had been buying supplies from, and they didn't stop in any of the first few towns along that road, just in case anyone would connect them to the fire.
Finally in the late afternoon, when Duo's headache had abated and his rear was numb from sitting, Heero pulled into the parking lot of a cheap motel on the outskirts of a town. Duo went in to the office negotiate a room while his partner went to fill gas at station across the street. As he waited for Heero to return, Duo brooded over his own stupidity. He'd been doing it all day on the drive, unable to even enjoy the chance to grab onto Heero without the danger of bodily harm. He was fairly certain that Heero had lost all faith in him, and not without good cause.
* Figures. I've managed to blow whatever chance I had of us becoming even just friends. Why didn't I pay more attention this morning? *
He was so embarrassed. If he had a way, he would run very far away. Or hide somewhere where no one would find him. Anything to avoid Heero and humiliation.
While he continued thinking in this vein, he found himself fumbling for his cigarettes out of habit. They'd dried out by now, but somehow they were entirely unappealing. Having just gotten over inhaling all that smoke, he didn't relish the prospect of poisoning his lungs further. He tossed the smokes into a trash can.
Heero, who'd parked the bike and come into the office while Duo was wrapped in his own thoughts, noted this with half a smirk. It took a near-death experience to get the baka to change ~anything~.
"Did you get a room?" he asked quietly. Duo started and turned forty-five degrees to face him.
"Uh - yeah. Let's go, shall we?" Duo said with a grin that he didn't really feel. Heero watched him with narrowed eyes as he left the office, then followed him as they climbed up the metal stairs to the balcony that wrapped in front of the second story rooms.
Their room was the only vacancy in the small motel, located right next to the hotel's bright neon sign. To Duo's dismay, there was only a single queen-sized bed in the room, and only two hard-backed chairs and a table in the way of other furniture. Looked like either they'd have to share or one would have to sleep on the floor. A quick glance at the floor's carpet - stained, crusty, or even burnt in a few places - ruled out the latter suggestion.
* Shit. * Duo thought.
"You hungry?" Heero asked as soon as they had put their things down on the chairs.
Food having been the least of his concerns all day long, Duo hadn't noticed until Heero said something. "Yeah."
Heero didn't even bother to say something like, "I'll be right back," or, "Dinner's on me tonight," before he spun on his heel and exited the room. Half an hour later, he returned bearing white cardboard boxes filled with Chinese food. Duo gave a pleased exclamation before he wrestled some of the cartons away from Heero. They both ate ravenously
"Geeze! Is it warm in here, or is it just me?" Duo asked as he finished the spicy sweet-and-sour chicken. He chugged his soda down to quench the burning feeling in his mouth. Heero watched with a bemused expression on his face, and when Duo had finished his soda, the Japanese man offered his own.
It had been a nerve-racking day for both ex-pilots, so when night fell, they were weary enough to just want to go to sleep. Heero crawled under the covers on one side of the bed as Duo finished re-bandaging the wound on his ankle. The American moved from his seat at the table to the bed, but he didn't get between the sheets.
"Aren't you going to be cold?" Heero asked him, puzzled at this behavior.
"Nah, man, I'm still getting over that spicy chicken. I'd overheat if I went under the covers," Duo said, twisting the truth a bit but not ~quite~ lying.
Heero merely shrugged, turned out the light, then muttered, "Oyasumi."
"G'night," Duo replied in kind.
Within a few minutes, Duo realized he was not going to be able to sleep well. Aside from the obvious circumstances, the flickering red light from the sign outside leaked through a crack in the heavy curtains and hit him right in the face. With a small huff of disgust, he turned onto his side, determined to fall asleep. After an indeterminate length of time, he gave up. He got up and crept out of the room. He bought a pack of cigarettes from the vending machine next to the ice machine, and was about to light one up when he looked back at the door to his and Heero's room.
He'd left it open, and could clearly see inside was an inferno of vivid red and orange flames. Black smoke poured out, and from inside came screaming.
"Heero," Duo said, sick horror filling his heart. He threw the cigarettes down and ran back towards the room. The balcony shook and bobbed as he ran, then gave way. Duo tumbled down, and landed painfully on the ground.
Around him lay smouldering debris; the smell of singed hair hung strong in the air. With a wave of panic, he realized he was seeing the remains of the Maxwell Church, complete was dismembered and charred bodies. He saw Sister Helen trying to crawl to another victim's side, and then he saw who it was. No sound would come from his throat as he tried to scream.
Heero had woken up to the bed shaking. Puzzled, he turned over to face Duo. The young man was shuddering in the grip of sleep, illuminated by the inconstant red glare of the neon sign. His brows were knit and his face slicked with sweat. He groaned slightly, tossing his head on the pillow.
* Nightmare. * Heero decided, then reached out and shook Duo's shoulder.
Duo gave a hoarse cry and jerked upright. He panted and looked around wildly, his braid twitching as he turned his head this way and that. Finally, he gave a sigh and relaxed back onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands.
"You okay?" Heero asked quietly. Duo started, as if he hadn't known Heero was awake.
"I'm fine," he replied. "Go back to sleep."
"You had a nightmare," Heero said, and Duo nodded. When the American didn't say anything else, he reached out a hand again and put it on Duo's shoulder. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Nah, man, don't worry about it," Duo said, moving his hands off his face. Heero could see the remnants of fear and desperation on his face, and frowned.
"Why do you do this?" he demanded irritatedly. "Why do you help ~me~ and then not let me help ~you~?"
Duo turned his neck to look at Heero, that same ~something~ that had made Heero shiver last night in his eyes. Heero felt his breath catch nervously in his throat, but he plunged onward.
"Why won't you open up? You say I'm always hiding my emotions, but you do it more. You hide behind a smile and a laugh and don't let anyone know what you're thinking," he said, unconsciously sidling closer to glare into Duo's eyes. Duo met the gaze for a long, long moment, then sighed.
"Insightful as ever, I see," he said wearily, then paused. "My nightmare was about fire. I dreamt this room was on fire, and you were trapped inside. I couldn't get in to save you. And then I was back at the wreckage of the Maxwell Church, and Sister Helen - she was dying."
He stopped there, eyes closing for a long moment, his jaw clenching. Heero gave the shoulder he held a firm squeeze.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"S'not your fault," Duo told him shortly.
Heero hesitated, at a loss for what to do. Then, haltingly, unsurely, he leaned even farther over and wrapped his arms around Duo in an awkward hug. The other man, for his part, made a shocked noise and stiffened in surprise before relaxing. Duo's arms came to return it tentatively. They stayed like that for a long moment, and Heero was surprised at how... safe, how utterly content he was. How nice it was to be so near to someone, so trusting of another.
Duo shifted against him, adjusting his arms so now one rested on Heero's waist on top of the blankets. Strangely enough, he wished there wasn't such a separation. In fact, he found himself drawing nearer into his friend's embrace. Duo smelt like sweat, but not in a bad way, and his hair gave off a not-quite-feminine scent of shampoo. Before, he'd only been this close to Duo when one of them was wounded. In this context, it was very different. He could feel Duo's breath on his neck and face and barely suppressed a shiver. What was this? Why did it so befuddle his mind and sharpen every other sense? He felt a warmth starting in his abdomen, a sort of thick heat that mired clear thoughts with half-formed hazy sultry ones.
And with a strange thrill, he realized ~what~ he felt. He was attracted to Duo.
//But no bodies ever knew
nobodys
No bodies felt like you
nobodys//
Heero tensed, and felt Duo do the same.
"What is it?" Duo asked worriedly.
As if his voice was a trigger, when he spoke Heero felt a tsunami of fear crash down upon him. He jerked out of Duo's arms, and rolled out of bed. Duo uttered a wordless exclamation of surprise, which Heero ignored as he rushed into the tiny, questionably clean bathroom and locked the door.
He panted, from panic rather than from physical exertion, and leaned against the door. In a matter of moments, his world was turned upside-down. Attracted to Duo? The thought brought on a rush of mixed emotions. Sudden understanding shot through with cold, hard fear and tangled in with desire and affection, all knotted in his chest and belly. He felt like he would retch as he had last night under the influence of alcohol.
* Shit * Heero thought, stumbling forward to grip the sides of the rust-stained sink. He looked at his pale, skittish reflection in the cracked mirror, and tried to calm himself. He had to breathe; he had to think.
* Well, * observed a detached part of his mind, * this certainly explains why Relena doesn't appeal to me physically. *
He sobered at that. He'd known he didn't desire Relena, as much easier as that would make his life. He'd never felt attraction to anyone, man or woman. At least, that's what he thought at first. Then he examined how he felt about Duo, and found that his emotions towards the other pilot were unchanged despite this new factor. He still respected him, still valued his friendship, still wanted to know him better. The revelation just added a piece to the puzzle, and a few things that didn't quite connect suddenly did.
But, Heero realized, if his feelings towards the American were unchanged, that meant that he had ~always~ been attracted to Duo. Had always had - what was it? affection? - for Duo. How long had he felt this way? When had Duo managed to squirm his way into Heero's heart? The empty, gnawing hollowness which had plagued him somehow vanished with the unveiling of this new emotion. He felt whole for the first time since... for the first time.
Yet it frightened him. Could he trust someone so deeply? Could he actually give someone so much power over him? Would Duo try to control him, as Relena had, if he found out? Heero didn't think he could bear that thought.
"Heero?" Duo's voice called through the thin door. "Are you okay?"
Heero started at the sound, and pulled himself together. He made a lightning-quick decision. He wouldn't act on these newly discovered feelings. Duo hadn't shown any interest in him romantically, and he didn't want to risk alienating him, not when he, Heero, was starting to actually trust him. Besides which, Heero knew Duo already loved someone. It would be unfair to Duo to have to deal with another romantic interest.
Slowly, he opened the door and stepped out.
"I'm fine," he lied. "Just had a hang-over relapse."
Duo titled his head as he stared at him disbelievingly.
"Right. Whatever you say, Heero," he said, his tone clearly sarcastic. He didn't press the subject, however. After a pause, he continued talking, "Look, I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. Are you feeling up to heading out now? We could go somewhere fun."
"'Somewhere fun'? Like where?"
"I dunno. Maybe like the beach. I've always wanted to hang out on some tropical island and drink from cocoanut shell-cups," Duo explained with a big, silly grin.
"Hn. Baka," Heero pronounced out of habit, but he pondered it. "Why not?"
"Woo-hoo! Get our stuff together while I go pay the bill, okay?" Duo said energetically, as if the last ten minutes had never happened. He pulled on his jacket and bounded out the door.
Heero shook his head after he left. The ex-pilot of Deathscythe may be a deep, insightful young man, but he sure as hell took pains to make sure no one would ever guess. Heero threw what few possessions they had back into their bags and slung one over each shoulder. Other than the fact he would have to control himself strictly now, he had a feeling this adventure would be 'fun' as Duo had said.
He met up with Duo down by the motorcycle. Duo sighed resignedly and made to hop up on the bitch-seat.
"Wait," Heero said. Duo stopped and looked at him questioningly. He hesitated before adding, "I don't know the way to the beach."
Duo's lips and brows twitched. Then he began to laugh richly. He slapped Heero on the back exuberantly. "Don't worry 'bout that. I'll find it eventually."
Duo mounted in the driver's seat, and started the engine growling. Heero slid into place behind him, arms twining about Duo's midsection. He flushed as he suddenly realized that this might be taken the wrong way by Duo, and loosened his grip, but only slightly. He may have control of his emotions to some extent, but he was weak enough to allow himself to indulge this once.
Duo gunned the throttle, and they sped off into the night, leaving only the scent of burnt rubber behind.
//Love is suicide
Love is suicide
Love is suicide//
END
Well, that didn't turn out like I thought it would. Now I suppose I'll have to write a sequel. Pooh. I don't like sequels.
Psyche: It's your own fault. :P
Yeah, I know. But what did you all think, huh? Huh? ::threateningly:: Tell me!
Thalia: Calm down. I'm sure they all will review... at least, they will if they know what's good for them!
Eros: SEND C&C!!!! Please? With sugar on top?