Chapter 2
The phone rang. It brought me back to the reality. I stepped out the steamy bathroom. Cold and dry air suddenly grasped me. The machine could take it but I desperately need a human voice.
"Sara Sidle speaking,"
"Hey, Sara, it's Warrick. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."
"Is it true that you're quitting?"
"Leave of absence", I hesitated. "I need to take some personal time off."
"Sara, I know you didn't like me that much at the beginning, but I think you are a responsible person and a great CSI. What happened?"
I did not know how to reply. Strangely, just by hearing Warrick's voice and not seeing him in person, I felt like open to him. Usually I kept a distance from him. Just a voice on the other end of the phone, I thought.
"Thank you Warrick, you are a great CSI too." I finally said, with uncertainty. "I need some time to reflect my life." Who was I kidding?
A sigh came from the other end. "It's not like you, Sara. This is your life. CSI is your life. We were all surprised to know that you are quitting. Catherine was shocked. Greg was devastated. Nick said he asked you about this but he didn't buy the "reflection" thing."
Yeah, there was only one person seemed not to care. "Do you buy it then, Warrick?"
A long silence, "Sara, I don't mean to pry, but I had noticed for some time. Is this about Grissom?"
I crashed in the couch. Tears running down my face uncontrollably. I was so glad that nobody saw it, but my voice could not help sending the impression of crying. I could not speak.
"It's okay, Sara."
"Sometimes," I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. "Sometimes I felt that he took me for granted. He never tried to understand me. I tried to reach him for so many times… Anybody else including himself are allowed to be emotional and only on me it's a problem. After all that I've tried…"
"Hey, it's okay, girl…" I realized from my endless sobbing that it was Warrick on the other end. What the heck. I would probably no longer working in CSI after tomorrow, why not. After I stopped sobbing, Warrick started.
"The way I sees it, " he said slowly. "Grissom is not the boss material. Before you came in he was not our supervisor. He is a cool guy all right, well, a little bit weird sometimes, as a mentor, and as a colleague. The time you started working with us, he also jumped into this supervisor thing."
Yes, I knew that, and the point was…
"He is still trying to fit in the shoe of a supervisor. By experience he is for sure the best guy, but by dealing with people, I think he is still learning."
Did I misunderstand Grissom? All because he had trouble expressing his concerns? So much for unfeeling.
"Did he say something to you, try to make you stay?"
"He said that the lab needs me."
"Sara, he is a shy guy. He did not know how to express his feelings. I think he can do better than that but for you there is always something awkward. Call it a hunch. Don't take it serious though. He does not take you for granted, Sara."
"What was that "he is still learning" thing, again?"
"Oh, right. Again, I don't mean to pry, and I don't know what's between you and Grissom before you came in, but you always give me this feeling that you need his attention."
Oh. This was embarrassing. I admitted that, sometimes, I needed his attention.
"Maybe. I am not really aware of that."
"Griss has billions of things on his mind; all of a sudden he became the boss, and he couldn't give you the attention you need. Or he did not want to show, for whatever reason, favoritism, anything. "
Nice analysis, I thought to myself. This came from Grissom's favorite CSI who told me that I didn't want to see another woman in Grissom's life.
"After a year and half. He didn't know I am a vegetarian. He didn't know I was against killing animals…"
"He is goofy in many ways," Warrick laughed. "Incredibly smart in one way, completely clueless in another. Talking about ignorant. Blood in the fridge? Not reading memos? That's how the world goes, Sara. Everybody has a weakness or two. Deep down he cared about everybody in the lab, including you."
I smiled. Goofy.
"Anyway, I am calling just want to tell you that, if you're quitting because of Grissom, you have to think again."
Sigh. I had lost my faith in this man. Almost. I realized that the tab was still running, so I rushed in bathroom and turned it off. The vanilla steam completely covered me. I breathed in the sweet scent, maybe to clear my mind. I sat down on the bathroom floor. "Yeah?"
"Remember the time you took yourself as a bait with the Feds? Man, he totally lost his cool."
Oh my. I remember how hurt he looked when I told him I volunteered.
"If it was Catherine he would not be so scared, trust me. First, he really knew you, and second, he could not risk you because you are like a family to us. To him too. After Holly Gribbs everybody's a bit cautious…"
I started to regret. Maybe I really overreacted.
"Sara, you are special to him. You are the only person in CSI can catch up his speed. You two are always in light speed and traveled far ahead, sometimes I can't even catch up. Working with Grissom for all these time, I'd never seen him communicating so easily and comfortable with anybody at that level, till you showed up. And not to mention the internal investigation on me you had to do for him. You're the one he trusted."
^^^^
Grissom was my mentor, my supervisor in my first real job in Boston when I graduated from college. He pretty much "took care" of me, and I learned everything from him. Everything. Starting from simply standing beside him and watching him do the work, to getting hand on and doing the real work, he was there, every step of the way. I never really noticed how we communicated, perhaps like a seminar alike someone once told me. He was like a father to me. I did not know since when I started to live on his approval. It seemed to be the only way I could get his attention as a student. As enigmatic as he was, I never knew how he felt. Except for the day before he was transferred to Las Vegas. I was promoted to one level higher, and no longer a rookie. I sat in his van as we finished a crime scene and was on the way back to PD. Looking into the night sky and it hit me. This was the last time. Life turning people apart, I thought, and I was going to have my way. I turned around to the driver's seat. "You know, I am going to miss you. Thank you so much, Grissom."
I did not get a feedback till we finished our shift and he called me at the door. "Thank you, too, Sara. It was great having you here." Something was in his eyes, sparkling, watery.
Figuring he would be extremely uncomfortable, I stopped the impulse to hug him before it even started. "Good luck in Vegas, and keep in touch."
^^^^^^
"Warrick," I finally spoke. "Maybe this has to do with Grissom, but it also has to do with me. There are things I have to think about before I start working in the lab again. Thank you very much anyway."
"Are you saying you are not quitting?"
"I will think about it." I smiled. "Thank you so much, Warrick. I will see you soon."
Hanging up the phone, I heard somebody knocking on the door. It was a guy from the flower shop.
"Miss Sara Sidle?"
"Yes." A plant. A living plant in the middle of the night, delivered to me.
"Have a good day, Miss Sidle."
Closing the door, I found a card hidden in the green leaves.
"Thank you
Gil Grisom"
I could not help but smiling, laughing. People in flower shop must have spelled his name wrong. Perhaps this was the most rewarding moment in my life since the day I arrived Las Vegas. For him, there was nothing too little, too late. Maybe I just needed to listen, try to understand him, and be more patient, like the first day I met him, like the summer night in Boston. Patience.
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decided not to abandon me.
I could feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
~Fin~
The phone rang. It brought me back to the reality. I stepped out the steamy bathroom. Cold and dry air suddenly grasped me. The machine could take it but I desperately need a human voice.
"Sara Sidle speaking,"
"Hey, Sara, it's Warrick. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."
"Is it true that you're quitting?"
"Leave of absence", I hesitated. "I need to take some personal time off."
"Sara, I know you didn't like me that much at the beginning, but I think you are a responsible person and a great CSI. What happened?"
I did not know how to reply. Strangely, just by hearing Warrick's voice and not seeing him in person, I felt like open to him. Usually I kept a distance from him. Just a voice on the other end of the phone, I thought.
"Thank you Warrick, you are a great CSI too." I finally said, with uncertainty. "I need some time to reflect my life." Who was I kidding?
A sigh came from the other end. "It's not like you, Sara. This is your life. CSI is your life. We were all surprised to know that you are quitting. Catherine was shocked. Greg was devastated. Nick said he asked you about this but he didn't buy the "reflection" thing."
Yeah, there was only one person seemed not to care. "Do you buy it then, Warrick?"
A long silence, "Sara, I don't mean to pry, but I had noticed for some time. Is this about Grissom?"
I crashed in the couch. Tears running down my face uncontrollably. I was so glad that nobody saw it, but my voice could not help sending the impression of crying. I could not speak.
"It's okay, Sara."
"Sometimes," I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. "Sometimes I felt that he took me for granted. He never tried to understand me. I tried to reach him for so many times… Anybody else including himself are allowed to be emotional and only on me it's a problem. After all that I've tried…"
"Hey, it's okay, girl…" I realized from my endless sobbing that it was Warrick on the other end. What the heck. I would probably no longer working in CSI after tomorrow, why not. After I stopped sobbing, Warrick started.
"The way I sees it, " he said slowly. "Grissom is not the boss material. Before you came in he was not our supervisor. He is a cool guy all right, well, a little bit weird sometimes, as a mentor, and as a colleague. The time you started working with us, he also jumped into this supervisor thing."
Yes, I knew that, and the point was…
"He is still trying to fit in the shoe of a supervisor. By experience he is for sure the best guy, but by dealing with people, I think he is still learning."
Did I misunderstand Grissom? All because he had trouble expressing his concerns? So much for unfeeling.
"Did he say something to you, try to make you stay?"
"He said that the lab needs me."
"Sara, he is a shy guy. He did not know how to express his feelings. I think he can do better than that but for you there is always something awkward. Call it a hunch. Don't take it serious though. He does not take you for granted, Sara."
"What was that "he is still learning" thing, again?"
"Oh, right. Again, I don't mean to pry, and I don't know what's between you and Grissom before you came in, but you always give me this feeling that you need his attention."
Oh. This was embarrassing. I admitted that, sometimes, I needed his attention.
"Maybe. I am not really aware of that."
"Griss has billions of things on his mind; all of a sudden he became the boss, and he couldn't give you the attention you need. Or he did not want to show, for whatever reason, favoritism, anything. "
Nice analysis, I thought to myself. This came from Grissom's favorite CSI who told me that I didn't want to see another woman in Grissom's life.
"After a year and half. He didn't know I am a vegetarian. He didn't know I was against killing animals…"
"He is goofy in many ways," Warrick laughed. "Incredibly smart in one way, completely clueless in another. Talking about ignorant. Blood in the fridge? Not reading memos? That's how the world goes, Sara. Everybody has a weakness or two. Deep down he cared about everybody in the lab, including you."
I smiled. Goofy.
"Anyway, I am calling just want to tell you that, if you're quitting because of Grissom, you have to think again."
Sigh. I had lost my faith in this man. Almost. I realized that the tab was still running, so I rushed in bathroom and turned it off. The vanilla steam completely covered me. I breathed in the sweet scent, maybe to clear my mind. I sat down on the bathroom floor. "Yeah?"
"Remember the time you took yourself as a bait with the Feds? Man, he totally lost his cool."
Oh my. I remember how hurt he looked when I told him I volunteered.
"If it was Catherine he would not be so scared, trust me. First, he really knew you, and second, he could not risk you because you are like a family to us. To him too. After Holly Gribbs everybody's a bit cautious…"
I started to regret. Maybe I really overreacted.
"Sara, you are special to him. You are the only person in CSI can catch up his speed. You two are always in light speed and traveled far ahead, sometimes I can't even catch up. Working with Grissom for all these time, I'd never seen him communicating so easily and comfortable with anybody at that level, till you showed up. And not to mention the internal investigation on me you had to do for him. You're the one he trusted."
^^^^
Grissom was my mentor, my supervisor in my first real job in Boston when I graduated from college. He pretty much "took care" of me, and I learned everything from him. Everything. Starting from simply standing beside him and watching him do the work, to getting hand on and doing the real work, he was there, every step of the way. I never really noticed how we communicated, perhaps like a seminar alike someone once told me. He was like a father to me. I did not know since when I started to live on his approval. It seemed to be the only way I could get his attention as a student. As enigmatic as he was, I never knew how he felt. Except for the day before he was transferred to Las Vegas. I was promoted to one level higher, and no longer a rookie. I sat in his van as we finished a crime scene and was on the way back to PD. Looking into the night sky and it hit me. This was the last time. Life turning people apart, I thought, and I was going to have my way. I turned around to the driver's seat. "You know, I am going to miss you. Thank you so much, Grissom."
I did not get a feedback till we finished our shift and he called me at the door. "Thank you, too, Sara. It was great having you here." Something was in his eyes, sparkling, watery.
Figuring he would be extremely uncomfortable, I stopped the impulse to hug him before it even started. "Good luck in Vegas, and keep in touch."
^^^^^^
"Warrick," I finally spoke. "Maybe this has to do with Grissom, but it also has to do with me. There are things I have to think about before I start working in the lab again. Thank you very much anyway."
"Are you saying you are not quitting?"
"I will think about it." I smiled. "Thank you so much, Warrick. I will see you soon."
Hanging up the phone, I heard somebody knocking on the door. It was a guy from the flower shop.
"Miss Sara Sidle?"
"Yes." A plant. A living plant in the middle of the night, delivered to me.
"Have a good day, Miss Sidle."
Closing the door, I found a card hidden in the green leaves.
"Thank you
Gil Grisom"
I could not help but smiling, laughing. People in flower shop must have spelled his name wrong. Perhaps this was the most rewarding moment in my life since the day I arrived Las Vegas. For him, there was nothing too little, too late. Maybe I just needed to listen, try to understand him, and be more patient, like the first day I met him, like the summer night in Boston. Patience.
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decided not to abandon me.
I could feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
~Fin~