to the tune of: "I'll Never Tell," and let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for Joss Whedon. (no, not really. I've had this appreciation ever since I *heard* "I'll Never Tell." I didn't need to try to write it in order to tell it was difficult to do to so.) I think this turned out even better than my first Riley-bashing filk.
spoilers: to "Into the Woods"
disclaimer: The song and the characters belong to Joss.
All hail.
feedback: Beg? Who, me? Well...yeah.
Die, Riley, Die II - The Sequel
by lucyolsen
***
(Riley and Buffy are both standing. Buffy has a whip.)
BUFFY:
This is the man
That I plan
To mangle.
Isn't he swine?
My claim of woe
Is he went to a ho.
Vengeance is mine!
(The camera follows Buffy as she walks, so Riley is now off-screen.)
His pants split when he sits. (Off-screen ripping sound)
His penis chopped to tiny bits. (Off-screen screaming)
His hair cursed full of nits. (Off-screen sounds of scratching)
Die, Riley, die.
(Buffy walks back so she and Riley are on-screen together, keeping the camera above Riley's waist.)
RILEY:
I betrayed Buff.
Says I can't suff-
er enough.
I'm being tort -ack! (Buffy has whipped Riley.)
Cold in the day,
As I pray,
She won't pay
Me back! Pay me back!
She'll never let me go.
The pain I know can only grow.
But there may be one way-
BUFFY:
No! Die, Riley, die!
Because you deserve to die...
He screams,
I'm happy
RILEY:
I'm feelin' kinda crappy.
BUFFY:
If he tries to pull crap he-
'll have pain I prescribe.
Riley cut cheeses.
He never knew what pleases,
So his dick'll get diseases,
From a Chumash tribe!
RILEY:
The jibes get kinda painful.
And she thinks that I'm complainful.
And for her my pain is gainful.
BUFFY:
'Cause I'm really quite disdainful-
(Riley is loosing consciousness, Buffy slaps him hard across the face)
Wake up! I need you alert,
'Cause God knows I want you hurt!
BUFFY:
When he was sad, he
Got sucked on by a baddy.
And because I was mad, he
Was forced to leave the show.
RILEY:
She thinks, kick-ass chicks,
Don't need to share with their hicks.
She never-
BUFFY:
My Mom was real sick!
RILEY:
This is my verse, hello?
She-
(Buffy breaks out into dance.)
BUFFY:
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!
(After a few moments, Riley begins to imitate her...badly. Blood spatters on walls with every kick.)
BUFFY & RILEY:
You know...
RILEY:
You're quite the harmer.
BUFFY:
You stupid farmer.
RILEY:
You're the cutest of my exes,
With your torture and your hexes.
BUFFY:
Hernias the size of Texas. (Riley grimaces in pain)
-I'll pay you back!
(They begin to dance again, and during a particularly spinny move, Riley's index finger falls off. They eventually end up on opposite ends of the room, Riley leaning against the wall for support.)
BUFFY:
He revolts.
RILEY:
I repel her.
BUFFY:
He'll never be my feller.
RILEY:
I'm in pain and I'll tell her,
'Cause I have no pride.
BUFFY:
I know, he's dyin'.
And I'm not really cryin'.
Screw laws. This's justifyin'.
So I will not abide!
BUFFY & RILEY:
I lied.
I said it's easy.
I've tried,
But there's these fears I can't deny.
BUFFY:
My boyfriend's skin is kinda cold.
RILEY:
Will I be tortured 'til I've gotten old?
BUFFY:
Will I ever run out of ways,
To make that bastard Riley pay?
RILEY:
When she's bored with the torture,
Will Spike be here to coach her?
Am I dyin'?
BUFFY:
I am killin',
And my victim's far from willin'.
And this is all real fulfillin',
'Cause it is my ex-guy.
So thank God, Riley will die!
I swear that, Riley will die!
RILEY:
I'm feelin' faint.
BUFFY:
That's of the good.
RILEY:
I think I'm toast.
Call 911.
BUFFY:
Die, Riley...Die!
(Riley keels over, dead. Buffy falls backwards onto her couch, giggling.)
THE END